More Praise for Your Successful Preschooler
“The authors offer a rich integration of information from current work in brain physiology as it directly applies to the developing young child. The book is very readable and will help guide parents toward healthy choices for their preschoolers. It also suggests how to accelerate vital links between learning and socialization, critical precursors to later academic and social success.”
—Bruce Hauptman, MD, child psychiatrist, Cambridge, Massachusetts
“Your Successful Preschooler covers an impressive range of important topics while still being highly readable. It will appeal to a broad range of readers because of the artful blending of examples of real children playing and talking that are interwoven with discussion of research. There is wisdom in the discussion of the value of play because dramatic play is critically important to many facets of development and the time for play is being steadily eroded.”
—David Dickinson, EdD; chair and professor of teaching and learning, Peabody College, Vanderbilt University
“Your Successful Preschooler is a valuable resource for parents, teachers, childcare providers, or anyone working directly with young children. Drs. Densmore and Bauman simplify the complexities of the preschool child’s developing brain and provide concrete strategies for promoting the development of skills leading to young children’s social and emotional competence and future academic success.”
—Jacalyn Coyne, coordinator, Early Childhood Education and Pathway to Teaching Careers, Tunxis Community College
“Finally there is a book that helps parents understand the vital connection between deep engagement in play, and social and academic success. Parents who read this book will have the framework they need to navigate their children through the minefields that can derail their young children’s optimal development and fulfillment in these challenging times.”
—Diane E. Levin, PhD; professor of education, Wheelock College, Boston; author of So Sexy So Soon and Remote Control Childhood
“Bravo to Ann Densmore for recognizing that there are no issues children will confront in their lives that aren’t also experienced in play. This book should be read by every early childhood curriculum specialist who believes that learning to read in preschool is more important than learning how to navigate life.”
—Marilyn V. Walsh, head teacher, Apple Orchard School
“Parents and early childhood educators . . . will benefit from the invaluable knowledge contained in this book.”
—Kathy Wheeler, head teacher, Cambridge-Ellis School
“Dr. Ann Densmore brings to this work a wealth of professional experience and knowledge to guide parents and professionals through the language maze. In this book, Ann demonstrates skills that can make a real difference in the lives of children. Her approach is refreshingly direct and thoughtful.”
—Nancy Fuller, executive director and founder, Community Therapeutic Day School
Copyright © 2011 by Harvard University. All rights reserved.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Densmore, Ann
Your successful preschooler : ten skills children need to become confident and socially engaged/Ann Densmore, Margaret Bauman.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-470-49898-9 (pbk.); ISBN 978-0-470-92585-0 (ebk); ISBN 978-0-470-92586-7 (ebk); ISBN 978-0-470-92587-4 (ebk)
1. Social skills in children. 2. Social interaction in children. 3. Preschool children—Psychology. I. Bauman, Margaret. II. Title.
BF723.S62D46 2011
649’.68—dc22
2010037990
Contents
Note to the Reader
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Chapter One: Children Can Learn to Be Successful
Understanding Children through Neuroscience
A Primer on the Brain
How Learning Happens
The Right Preschool Matters
How to Choose the Best Preschool
The Strategies
Chapter Two: Raising a Likable Child
Connecting Likability and the Brain
The Common Temperaments of Likable Children
Chapter Three: Preparing an Achieving Child
What’s Really Going on at Preschool Today
The Best Experience: Facilitated Play
How the Brain Responds to Facilitated Free Play
How to Facilitate Free Play
Chapter Four: Ensuring a Happy Child
When Children are Happy
The Sources of Happiness
Chapter Five: Building Strong Moral Character
What Builds Your Child’s Character
Children with Moral Understanding Know when their Actions Affect Others
Skills for a Successful Preschooler
Chapter Six: The Importance of Being Resilient
Resiliency and the Brain
Resiliency and Everyday Coping Skills
Resilience and Traumatic Situations
How Adults Can Help
Chapter Seven: Encouraging Flexibility and the Art of Compromise
Flexibility
Children Can Model Adult Negotiation Skills
The Benefit of Adult Intervention
Flexibility and Change
Chapter Eight: Getting Organized
Master Executive Functioning
Planning, Organization, and the Brain
Developing and Strengthening Executive Function
Chapter Nine: Developing Leaders
Preschool Leadership Skills and the Brain
Organized Play Fosters Leadership Skills
When Leadership Turns to Bullying
Chapter Ten: Successfully Engaging Friends
The Social Part of Your Brain
Lessons in Engaging Social Behavior
Outdoor Settings Interesting to Preschoolers
Chapter Eleven: Become Passionate About Learning
Sharing Creativity
Creativity and the Brain
Passion for Exploration Begins at Home
Chapter Twelve: Successful Children Need Involved Parents
Putting Our Strategies into Practice
Our Best Toy Advice
Computers and Electronic Games
Success Happens when Preschool and Home Connect
We Hope it all Comes Together
Notes
Additional Resources
About the Authors
About Harvard Medical School
Index
Introduction
Over the past thirty years, we have diagnosed and treated thousands of children with all kinds of learning issues. Many of these children come to us with a combination of medical, emotional, and developmental problems, yet their parents are also asking us to evaluate their children’s social performance. Specifically, parents want to know if learning and socialization are linked.
We see parents who agonize over whether their child will make friends. They want to know if social skills can be taught, like reading or math, or if these skills will develop naturally. As one parent said, “My preschooler can talk, take turns, and be polite, but other children don’t gravitate to him. He’s a loner. I just don’t know why.”
Every day we see preschoolers who can play, run, and talk on playgrounds and in classrooms. Yet these same children don’t know how to connect with others and make friends, even though their teachers describe them as typical children. It is very clear to us that some children retreat from others and don’t make social connections, while others are more gregarious and seem to be the ones who become leaders and well-liked children.
As a speech and language pathologist (Ann) and a pediatric neurologist (Margaret), we know that all parents wants to make sure that their children are happy, well adjusted, and social. Parents also want to know exactly how their children should behave, how they are supposed to relate with their friends for each of the preschool developmental milestones, and what their role should be to ensure that their children succeed in all aspects of life. They’re looking for ways to counter the violence children are exposed to in the media; they want their children to be just as happy when they are unplugged from video games and television as they are when they are connected.
Most important, parents want to make sure that their children are liked by others. Parents and teachers constantly ask us, “How can I get my preschooler to fully engage with the others in the classroom?” or, “How will my child develop strong relationships and lifelong friendships?”
At the same time, parents and teachers are increasingly concerned about real academic pressures: today’s children are asked to do more in school and to do it earlier than previous generations. Although most parents know that there needs to be time for play and socialization during the preschool day, most are aware of federally mandated testing requirements through No Child Left Behind or specific testing required for admission into the best public and private schools. These pressures can drive parents and teachers to value academics before play, even though studies have consistently shown that this is not the best model for preschool education.
These are some of the issues that we address in this book. Our goal is to give parents and teachers the tools they need to help preschool children prepare for academic achievement and become more socially connected. As parents, you can help your child become successful. And just as important, your child needs to be in a preschool environment that focuses on play that facilitates social interactions and relationships.
We are aware of the stress today’s parents face. Parents are under enormous pressure to be the “best,” and new and often conflicting research is readily available to them. We also know that some families have fewer resources than others or may not be geographically located near formal preschool programs. Nevertheless, the suggestions in this book can work in any preschool or day care environment where the teachers are open to making changes, and they can be implemented right at home too.
SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS THAT AFFECT PARENTING
A 2008 joint study from the University of British Columbia and the Sackler Institute at Weill/Cornell Medical College has shown that the brain is more plastic, or able to change, than previously thought. These scientists state, “One major contribution of neuroscience to understanding cognitive development has been in demonstrating that biology is not destiny—that is, demonstrating the remarkable role of experience in shaping the mind, the brain, and body.”1 In another 2008 study, reported by the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child through Harvard University, investigators found that experiences specifically gained during this sensitive period of the preschool years play an exceptionally important role in the capacities of the brain.2 This research suggests that the developing brain is most plastic between the ages of three and five years, a sensitive period that coincides with the preschool years. The brain architecture is build over a succession of what are referred to as “sensitive periods” that develop more circuits and more complex skills. Early experience is important for the probability of positive outcomes. Thus, we know that the period of time when parents and teachers can affect the greatest change is during the preschool years. At this critical juncture, children are best able to learn how to socialize, learn moral behavior, and develop empathy, altruism, cooperation, negotiation, and even leadership.
Our own experience, coupled with these studies, points to preschool as one of the most formative periods in child development. A 2007 report from the U.S. Department of Education’s National Center for Education Statistics documented that 57 percent of American children ages three to five attended center-based programs: day care, Head Start programs, preschools, and early prekindergarten programs. These children attended preschool for at least one year before kindergarten.3 Studies have previously shown that these children have a distinct academic advantage in both language and math skills over those who don’t attend preschool, regardless of their socioeconomic backgrounds. Alphabet songs, puzzles, and math games help preschoolers mature into higher-achieving children as long as their preschool day also includes several hours of the most important aspect: socialization. Researchers agree that because there appears to be a clear link between play and brain development during this critically important time frame, children who have attended preschool appear to achieve higher academic scores than those who have not attended preschool and may become more emotionally well adjusted by the third grade.
PRESCHOOL ISN’T ENOUGH
Facilitating peer interaction is a challenging job because each child is unique. Each teacher or parent also has a unique history and culture that often dictates how each relates to his or her children at school and at home. What each child needs stems from his or her own cultural values, biology, and family history.
As parents and teachers, we need to see these differences and cultivate social experiences that respect each child. Some families value storytelling at the dinner table, and others may value a child’s adherence to quieter rules. Some parents may want their child to be home-schooled, other parents want their child to learn from the surrounding world, and still others want them to learn from texts or more adult-directed experiences. Some children have hunger, loneliness, and pain in their environment. And some experience trauma or deprivation.
As teachers, we need to respect and comprehend the many differences in family conversations and social cues—facial expression, body language, and tone of voice. We know there are many differences in family belief systems and values that affect each child’s life. We need to see each child in the preschool setting as unique and give them respect and a sense of community. As teachers we also need to understand our own family histories, how we talk to our own children, and how our parents talked to us. Our own culture influences how we perceive the children we are trying to help.
We believe that children are born with certain abilities but that they can learn from their environment through such experiences as play and social interactions with peers. A helpful preschool, a day care program, or a home school setting is where a child can learn to be social, build confidence, develop a sense of moral character, learn how to negotiate with peers, and succeed in social situations with peers.
Although it may not always be possible for teachers to closely observe children with peers during choice time or at recess in preschool, our experience suggests that much of the time, some children may not be really interacting with each other and may need help to do so.
Children may look as if they are engaged, but they may be just following each other. The play yard is filled with children climbing, running, jumping, and screaming. A few preschoolers are climbing together. Another group is digging in the sandbox, but only a few of the children are looking at each other. Still another group may be playing tag without rules, racing around the playground without a clear purpose. When the preschoolers move inside into the classroom, the norm is “structure” or “free play,” with some guidance by teachers. During center time, children have some chance to talk to each other and share special objects. In some preschools, center time is an opportunity for teaching social pragmatic skills, that is, turn taking, how to enter and exit a conversation, how to stay on a topic, and how to make comments to others. During this time, some teachers teach such skills as an example of the importance of showing empathy for others, how to become a kind person, and how to respect others.
Despite their best efforts, however, it’s not possible for teachers to facilitate language and social interaction for every class member who needs help. Many preschool teachers want extra guidance so that they can encourage more social conversation skills in their classroom. Even the best preschool teachers, those who allow long periods of play during the day, still ask for advice on how to teach better skills for negotiation and problem solving. The best preschool teachers know that the most important part of the preschool experience is the social component: interaction with peers and acceptance by them, which is directly associated with higher levels of functioning throughout school and in later life.
The fact is that the most socially successful children do better throughout every developmental stage for these reasons:
- They tend to be well rounded and emotionally stable.
- They easily make the transition to elementary school with confidence due to their increased self-esteem and ability to communicate their own ideas.
- They are more likely to achieve in most academic subjects. Children who are connected to peers socially in preschool are better achievers and read faster by the third grade.
- They create connections to both teachers and other students. These relationships are essential to becoming a friendly, content child and a socially adjusted adult.
THE TEN SKILLS THAT ENCOURAGE SOCIALLY SUCCESSFUL PRESCHOOLERS
We have found that the most successful preschoolers acquire ten unique skills. Children with these skills often attract and maintain friendships, which allow them to socialize throughout the day. These children are:
1. Likable. They can build long-term, meaningful friendships. They know how to play with more than one child, positively reinforce their friends when they succeed, recognize and acknowledge a peer who is sad or disappointed, and use a play date to make a real connection.
2. Achieving. They achieve complex language skills, which will lead to later academic achievement. They can use appropriate vocabulary, experience success as well as defeat with grace, and adjust their focus if an agenda changes.
3. Happy. They are optimistic and confident, and they have a sense of self. They understand the perspective of other children; interpret their peer’s gestures, facial expressions, and body language; and speak and listen attentively to others.
4. Of strong moral character. They have the ability to form attachments to the ideals of a larger community rather than themselves, for the good of others. They understand what is right or wrong during difficult play situations, which will increase their awareness of when they need adults to help.
5. Resilient. They can tap into the most effective coping skills that allow them to handle disappointment, manage a crisis, and seek positive attributes in play situations. These children can bounce back easily and regroup when they face stressful situations.
6. Flexible. They can allow others to change the agenda of play and develop their own ideas within an interaction. They can listen to the perspective of others and achieve compromise when necessary. When sudden problems arise in play, they can find options and redirect themselves and others to help the situation. They accept surprises and adjust easily to change.
7. Organized. They can use logical reasoning and organizational skills, which will foster academic achievement and a sense of capability. These children can develop stories in play. They assign roles and follow a sequence of actions as they play. They respect others’ culture and agree to follow other ways of constructing stories as long as they are formed with clear ideas.
8. Leaders. They can assume a leadership role within a group with both humility and positive self-esteem without acting like bullies. They can ask a group of peers to play a game and help each child engage. They have a sense of humor when things don’t work out and are the first to forgive a friend who makes a mistake or doesn’t follow the rules of the game. They keep the group cohesive and enthusiastic about their social connection and play.
9. Socially engaged. They can show enthusiasm by being present, alert, and aware when engaging with their friends. They pay attention to others, know what their friends are thinking, and are able to show their friends that they are being heard. They give the group a sense of cohesiveness and a feeling of belonging.
10. Passionate about learning. They have a noticeable sense of curiosity and creativity and a wide variety of interests. These children are interested in the world around them and can convey their knowledge to others. They love to investigate, construct projects, and motivate others to do the same.
Many, if not most, children fall somewhere on the continuum of mastering these skills, and over time, they achieve some level of competency. Children who have more challenges—those with learning issues, behavioral issues, or developmental issues—may have a harder time acquiring these skills. The main goal of parenting should be never to give up trying to help your child.
In order to assist their development, we have created specific strategies for teaching children how to be more social. Through this process, we have found that these same strategies can help children acquire these skills. And we predict that this early intervention in mastering these skills during a period of rapid brain development will help many children become more successful.
ABOUT THIS BOOK
The program that we have created defines a useful and practical means of talking to children that will help them become socially engaged for life. We aim to give parents, teachers, and other caregivers the specific strategies they need to provide the most effective experiences that can affect the developing brain. By reading this book, they will be able to help young children develop the effective ways to engage their friends, making social interactions easier and more meaningful.
Chapter One offers an introduction to the brain and how it acquires new information and learned behaviors. Then we provide helpful tips for reviewing and defining a preschool that is in line with our philosophy and show how to incorporate useful strategies into any preschool setting, home school, or day care situation.
Each of the following chapters discusses the ten traits that successful children share and strategies for developing these traits. Each of the strategies is geared to the achievement of specific results. For example, being a likable child requires building friendships. Being an advanced child requires understanding complex language.
These core strategies have been developed based on Dr. Ann Densmore’s theory of narrative play. Both of us have been collaborating for over twenty years about children with disabilities. Dr. Margaret Bauman evaluates and diagnoses children who would benefit from treatment using a variety of techniques discussed in this book. Narrative play incorporates speech therapy with peer relationships in natural settings. For years Ann has helped children engage socially by combining language, play, and narrative or storytelling. This developmental play-based approach to socialization can help your child learn how to engage with other children, as well as with adults, at a meaningful level.
Each strategy is supported by dialogue from actual preschoolers who have learned to engage and sustain friendships, increasing their own social skills. According to current research, preschoolers who engage in socialization will gain self-confidence by using language for negotiating and increase their academic achievement in kindergarten and the primary grades.
Many parents who have followed this program have told us that they were able to see their child in a totally different light and were able to deepen their own relationships with them. They were thrilled to experience their child’s joy in forming friendships that can last a lifetime.
