The Single Girl’s Guide

a note from
the author

In all my wildest dreams, this is a note that I never contemplated I would have the opportunity to write.

Back in 2006, when I first put pen to paper for The Single Girl’s Guide, I had no idea how it would completely change my life. Because of this book I have met the most extraordinary people, visited amazing places – and even moved continent.

The concept of the Guide was a simple one. It was taken from the real life being lived by myself and the single women who crossed my path – those from 18 to 80! But at the time, some saw the book as somewhat revolutionary. It was a post-Bridget-Jones, post-Sex-and-the-City celebration of being single. With British tongue firmly in cheek, the Guide didn’t instruct you on how to find your Mr Darcy or Mr Big. Instead it was about being comfortable in your own single skin.

I put forward the case that the right men only appear when you are content and confident in yourself and that if such a man doesn’t cross your path, you still have much to celebrate. A single woman is whole, not half. I didn’t mention men in a romantic sense until Chapter 7 and then it was all about how to remain happy in ‘you’ when navigating the dating world.

To my astonishment, the book went around the world. Russian, Chinese, Italian and so many other versions now sit on my bookshelf. I was flown to Berlin to stay in the most glamorous hotel suite I’ve ever seen to do a huge round of German press. The book was also published in America. I always thought achieving anything in The Land of the Free was beyond my reach. Yet because of the Guide, I landed up on American television, and in 2010 I moved to New York, where I now spend my days writing and my evenings on air as a television commentator. A Hollywood producer has bought the rights to the book and I have recently adapted it into a screenplay for him, so hopefully the fictionalised version will be in a cinema near you soon.

Writing The Single Girl’s Guide, living the Single Girl’s life, has completely changed my life. So much, of course, has altered in the Single Girl’s world since the book’s initial publication, not least in the plethora of social-networking sites that now abound and the rise of dating tools/‘apps’ (or perhaps that should be weapons!). When I was approached about doing a new edition, I leapt at the chance to do some 2013 updating, and here it is.

Words cannot express how incredibly grateful I am to the women who let me write about their lives, to Summersdale and my publishers around the world, but most of all to my readers. You showed me new ways to dream and I am utterly indebted to you – thank you so very much.

Imogen Lloyd Webber
New York, February 2013
www.imogenlloydwebber.com
www.twitter.com/illoydwebber

acknowledgements

The road to publishing a book is a long, winding and sometimes rocky one, and I would like to take this opportunity to say a massive thank you to all my family and friends for helping me along it (I would keep hindering my progress by refusing to remove those four-inch heels).

I would also like to say thank you to the team at Summersdale for all their support, in particular Stewart Ferris, Jennifer Barclay and Debbie Chapman for their unwavering patience. In addition, thank you to my long-time literary agent Sam Hiyate for putting up with me.

The Single Girl’s Guide would never have been written without some very specific help and I am indebted to all the women (and men!) who spilled their secrets. A massive personal thank you to Ele Wilkinson, Darryl Samaraweera and Daniel Bee (the best publicist in the world), who have now each provided decades of support.

This book would never have been published without the encouragement to continue writing over the years from some truly special people in the literary world: Ed Victor, Lizzy Kremer, Marjory Chapman, Toby Eady, Peter James and the late Robert Huntington. Thank you.

Words cannot express my gratitude to Mummy, Daddy, Nick and Mads.

Alex and Frankie, you are not forgotten.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

A Note from the Author

Acknowledgements

Glossary

Introduction

Chapter One: Work Management

Chapter Two: Mind Over Matter Management

Chapter Three: Home Management

Chapter Four: Family Management

Chapter Five: Friend Management

Chapter Six: Event Management

Chapter Seven: Distraction Management Part One – Groundwork

Chapter Eight: Distraction Management Part Two – Kissing, etc.

Chapter Nine: Survival of the SG Fittest

The End?

About the Author

glossary

AG: Attached Girl.

All text no trousers: Phrase used to describe a man who manages to text on a regular basis suggesting you should meet up, but never actually comes up with a date (see also Clit Teaser).

AS: Accidental Sex, an SG’s version of the one-night stand. Only in exceptional circumstances will an SG have a premeditated intention for an encounter to unfold in so unclothed a way as it did, or be under the impression there will be no repeat performances.

Big Duvet: Time spent in one’s own abode under one’s very own duvet.

BF: Best Friend. Even more precious to you than your shoe collection.

Bunbury: From Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest; an imaginary friend with a very real role in getting an SG out of things she would rather not do.

Cabbage: A cab/taxi; somewhere the in-demand SG aims to spend a significant proportion of her time, for then her heels can be high AND she has a chance of making almost all her engagements (see also Little Black Bus).

Clit Teaser: An Object/ Distraction who flirts, but does not follow through.

CL: Conversation List. A thought process or written list prepared for any type of discussion, with a number of questions for you to ask and replies to enquiries likely to be aimed in your direction.

Distraction: A male (or female) an SG has her eye on for non-platonic affairs (see also Object).

Do dinner off the mirror (verb): To eschew food for hoovering cocaine.

EXploitation: Exploitation of skills, knowledge or items obtained from your ex-boyfriends to improve your lifestyle.

GBF: Gay Best Friend.

Genuine Girlfriend: A female friend in whom an SG can confide with complete confidence and who absolutely always abides by the ‘girls’ code’ of behaviour, never kissing any of said SG’s exes.

Girl Playmate: A female friend who is fantastic to have fun with, but is not necessarily a suitable person to divulge your deepest, darkest secrets to.

Hoover (verb): To snort cocaine.

Horrorscopes: Horoscopes. To be consulted sparingly and with a spoonful of salt.

iTunes Icebreaker: A textbook conversation-creating tactic, where a person asks another what the most embarrassing song in his/her iTunes collection is, then reveals theirs.

In harm’s way: To be in with a chance of attaining something you desire, most often a new Distraction/Object or job.

Joiner: A sanctimonious soul who enjoys organised group activities. If said activities take place outside, Joiners will be keen they go ahead whatever the weather.

Kiss (verb): A euphemism which covers all exchange of bodily fluids between an SG and a Distraction/Object, i.e. anything from literally just kissing someone to full-blown sex.

Kiss and cuddle (verb): Full-blown sex.

Little Black Bus: A taxicab, also known as Cabbage. SG prefers to large red variety since she then does not have to trek too far in stilettos.

Metrosexual: A male who spends a vast proportion of his disposable income on his grooming and lifestyle.

NFI (verb): To Not F**king Invite someone to an event; the aim of the game is to be FI’d as much as possible.

Object: As in Object of Affection; a male (or female) an SG has her eye on for non-platonic affairs (see also Distraction).

Platonic Boyfriend: A male friend of the SG who she does not kiss; the ‘boy’ version of the Girl Playmate.

PMDL: A Promise Much, Deliver Little boy. PMDLs are a selection of scoundrels who bruise egos or even break hearts.

Pre-bound (verb): To find a new job/relationship before ditching the old one.

Pull the ripcord (verb): To decide it is time to exit a gathering. The ripcord may occasionally have to be pulled for you by your Wingman if you have been the life and soul of the party a little too long and have suddenly come over all emotional.

Radio Contact: Contact with friends via mobile phone.

Retrosexual: A male who spends the smallest proportion possible of his disposable income on grooming and lifestyle, preferring the caveman approach.

SG: The Single Girl, our heroine.

S&MBF: Straight and Male Best Friend.

Social Hand Grenade: A person who will cause chaos whatever the social setting. Best for an SG not to select as a Wingman, unless she is mischief-making.

Squeaky: A small, stupid female who is a man’s woman, rather than a girly girl. Will blank an SG if they have a Distraction they can flirt with in the vicinity.

Wingman: The person from an SG’s friends who she chooses to accompany her on events/ nights out, etc. Identity will alter depending on function.

introduction

It is a truth which should be universally acknowledged that a single girl can be in possession of the most wonderful life.

The world has moved on from Austen’s husband-hunters, and in the last hundred years the Single Girl (SG) has begun to garner a more positive status. Thanks to the sexual revolution, her opportunities are becoming endless. No longer does she carry the somewhat derogatory moniker of ‘spinster’; we are talking Bridget Jones’ singletons and Carrie Bradshaw’s sex. Single women are allowing themselves to be celebrated – to a point; both Bridget and Carrie only reach fulfilment when they ride off into the sunset with Mr Darcy and Mr Big.

But what if the prince doesn’t come or gets a bit delayed? Is the SG to sit and pine? Or waste her time desperately seeking a male specimen in stalker-like fashion, which is enough to make any sensible man sprint in the opposite direction – especially if he hears her biological clock ticking like Peter Pan’s crocodile before he even sees her coming? When a relationship is right, it is wondrous. But when it is not, what is the point? You can be lonelier in the wrong relationship than you can ever be when you are single. For when unattached, you can take control, managing your world so as to make the whole universe your oyster, keeping any melancholic black clouds that may have been hovering over your head at bay. Yes, being attached brings its own fun, but as an SG you have so many distinct, delicious possibilities to explore. You may not be unattached forever – so take advantage of the single lifestyle while you can. Seize the day.

I have been single almost all my adult life. Yes, I have dated and had relationships in that time, but I have been single the majority of it, and I remain so as I write. I love men – there is nothing so heady and fabulous as being in lust or even love – but I have found it a challenge to encounter worthy ones. I admit, I am fussy, but then again I am fastidious about my handbags, and I would like a male to last longer on my arm than they do. When it comes to boyfriends, you are allowed to be careful.

Being without one is really not the survival test it is made out to be; I could not tell you the last time a friend made me cry, but I could certainly pinpoint when a man did. Moreover, I have witnessed the destructiveness of divorce: choosing to be with someone, maybe making a life with them, is a decision that has to be got right. And if no knight-in-almost-shining-armour comes (no relationship is perfect, but it is important to have a half-decent starting point), I will be OK.

A simple truth. There is, funnily enough, a direct link between the person you breed with and whether the associated offspring turn out to be happy, well-adjusted souls or not. The detractors of women leaving it later to have babies neglect to admit that, half the time, these SGs just did not meet someone who they were confident would be a good father to their off-spring. They should be praised for saving society, not screwing it up. And for propping up the shoe industry with their disposable income.

I have not always been of this disposition: the stresses and strains of modern life once overwhelmed this SG. But when everything went wrong I avoided Prozac-popping by, in small steps, managing the parts – and people – of my life that I could, and in time I found myself not just running but sprinting through existence again. This journey has been one hell of a ride and in my decade of research for this book, I have had the most extraordinary experiences and heard (even featured in) the most scandalous tales. Names have been withheld to protect the guilty, but their actions will illustrate how to put sparkle into your SG smile, their anecdotal evidence backing up my practical advice.

This book is not about how to find a man. Tongue embedded firmly in cheek, it is about how to steer a safe passage through the stormy waters of the SG’s world, limit the seasickness, and even enjoy the trip. Of course, the side effect of successfully managing your life is that your innate air of confidence will attract at least one male who will want to play to your tune (although they might need a little encouragement/manipulation to get the opening notes right).

The expedition is a comprehensive one. It starts with managing your working life: from handling your boss and obnoxious (especially on Valentine’s Day) colleagues to survival skills for that most hideous of inventions, the Work Training Course (WTC), and work functions including the Office Christmas Party, all you need to know to be mistress of the workplace is here.

As SGs, we have the advantage of being able to devote more time to the body beautiful: from medicals to manicures, this is your moment to focus on YOU, and there is a chapter to show you just how to go about it. To attain your inner body beautiful, you will be doing battle with unsympathetic doctors, gynaecologists and a myriad of alternative health gurus. Then there is the creation of the outer body beautiful – from diet and gym etiquette to shopping. When single, you have the benefit of never being made to feel that clothes and shoes are a luxury, or that there are more necessary purchases to be made; instead they are a necessity, part of the armour of modern life.

The way you live your life is your call. Home is your domain: if you want, you can take pride in it and perfectly feng shui your pad without fear of a smelly football kit or noisy plastic playthings destroying your ambience. You can go for location and live in a place so small a cat could not reside in it, never mind swing with you in it, or find somewhere that comfortably contains your entire collection of footwear, but which you can neither get a taxi from or to. Whether buying or renting, estate agents need to be played – sorry, managed – so are up for scrutiny. And then to share or not to share… that is the flat-mate question.

Family, like everything else, also needs to be managed. This is true whatever one’s age or marital status, but especially for a single woman with ovaries still grumbling once a month. Be prepared, in good Girl Guide style, for any curveballs they throw at you and, most importantly, for Festive Season Survival.

Friends, the family you get to pick, are essential – your support network when you are down, your playmates when you want to have fun – but they too need to be managed: found, kept and in some instances dropped. At the very least it is crucial to have certain types of friend: the Genuine Girlfriends and perhaps even a Best Friend (BF); a Gay Best Friend (GBF) if you can find one; Platonic Boyfriends and, of course, Bunbury. Bunbury, a term coined by Oscar Wilde in The Importance of Being Earnest, is an imaginary friend who can provide a convenient excuse or example for almost anything.

From your friends you will choose the right Wingman (aka your ‘plus one’ or your ‘Walker’) for the right occasion; there is no need to fly solo just because you are single. Being out and having fun is something that we SGs can do better and more often than anyone; we are not beholden to another’s diary and body clock. But as such we have standards – we know what a good party is. Thus, remember Bunbury. If choosing whether to attend an occasion, preparation is key, so you must be aware of the dangers of social situations such as going to a restaurant with a ridiculing relative, the Couply Dinner Party, the Hen Night, the Wedding and New Year’s Eve; and the measures that can be taken to minimise the damage.

Attending these events will by default put you in harm’s way, that is, in contact with the male of the species, and it is only natural that you will come across one who is attracted to the happy-in-herself you. There is nothing wrong with having a Distraction, an Object (of affection), as long as they make you smile. There is a socially acceptable age range for your Distraction (even a mathematical formula) and a melange of advantages and disadvantages to the younger man, the older man, the rich man, the student, the bisexual…

The early stages of a flirtation are on a par with the selection process that the manager of a sporting team embarks upon. A game plan is required to negotiate the peril that is modern-day communication. Used correctly, technology can reel in the prey in a marvellous manner; however, he-mail banter can be tricky and ‘smart’ phones can lead to anything other than smart behaviour.

Dates are littered with potential obstacles, from dinners with chopsticks and garlic noodles to who holds the popcorn at the cinema… And, of course, kissing (polite euphemism for anything from kissing to full-blown sex). One messy, complicated, delicious minefield. There is the one-night stand, aka Accidental Sex (AS), the walk of shame, the positively virginal fifth date rule, and then the naughty territory of S&M, sex toys and so on… if you are happy to go that way, fine; escape routes are offered if you are not.

So you are single? At this moment in time, it’s all about you. You are not compromising your world for someone who does not appreciate what a catch you are. You have friends who will actually do your DIY for you rather than just look at it; and a Rampant Rabbit that will dependably give you an orgasm, not fall asleep halfway through because of one beer too many (always keep spare batteries). You are whole, not half. You can have the most amazing existence as an SG, firmly guiding yourself away from black clouds and into revelling underneath a bright blue sky. This Single Girl’s Guide says hold on tight and be prepared for the ride of your life.