Here is a guide to the student, that inherently useless proportion of the population that nonetheless requires a vast amount of government funding and acts as though it has the right to an opinion, just because it is ‘educated’.
Whether you are one, have been one or would cross the road to avoid one, read on to find out more about this fascinating species!
So what is the point of university? This is a very debated topic, and a question asked by many. There are countless theories and here are just a few hypotheses given by students I interviewed:
1.‘To get laid as many times as humanly possible, stocking up on sex before the kids arrive and marriage takes its toll.’
2.‘To demand discounts in every shop you go into.’
3.‘To find more and more dates in the calendar that are a cause for celebration and heavy drinking.’
4.‘To keep the people who make signs, traffic cones and shopping trolleys in business by ensuring that there is always a shortage.’
5.‘To piss off the locals.’
6.‘To put off the real world for another 3 years (or 4 if you are a student in Scotland).’
7.‘To see how close you can get to a deadline before starting any work.’
8.‘To put Communism into practice (living in halls etc, sharing food, alcohol, underwear, drugs, blood... money from the government).’
9.‘To meet new people, get away from your parents, grow some balls, and prepare yourself for the cruel world that you are about to have to fend for yourself in.’
10.‘To get onto the next rung of the ladder of life as perceived by Middle Britain.’
Generally speaking, most people would agree that it is not to watch Neighbours twice a day or to find out once and for all how long you can go without clean clothes.
According to the 1950s’ sociological theory behind a non-vocational degree, the point of university is ‘to foster a sense of cognitive rationality’. But nowadays many people would argue that there is little evidence to support the point of going to university (at least no point that the government could justify in legislative wording) and what is learned will be forgotten when the student graduates, stops drinking, and wakes from a three-year daze wondering what the hell happened.
Hurray for students!
It is a common misconception that students actually spend most of their time in university, and therefore probably foolish to begin your search there. For a more effective search, the following places should be explored first . . .
The Pub
This seems rather obvious, but many students do tend to be unimaginative and live up to their stereotype. They can be found here at any time of the day during opening hours, depending on how early they have managed to get out of bed.
The University Library
In normal circumstances, this would be an odd place to go looking for students. But in the week before exams this is a likely location: the students have suddenly realized that they are not infallible and can get kicked out of uni when it becomes apparent through the examination system that they have done sod all throughout the year.
The Supermarket