Cover image for Title

This is a book by
Demetri Martin
called

This Is a Book
by
Demetri Martin

image

PARTICULAR BOOKS

an imprint of

PENGUIN BOOKS

Contents

How to Read This Book

ONE

Announcements

Hotline

Megaphone

Ideas & Opinions

Robot Test

Genie

New Year’s Party

How I Felt

Socrates’s Publicist

Statistics

Bee Sting

Who I Am

Bugle Virtuoso

Some Drawings

TWO

Dad

Titles

My Band

Palindromes for Specific Occasions

Cat Calendar

Optimist, Pessimist, Contortionist

We’re Pregnant

Protagonists’ Hospital

Rain

Honors & Awards (for Which I Would Qualify)

Better Than Sex

Short Stories

Frustrating Uses of Etc.

Charts & Graphs

THREE

My Diet

Fortune Cookies

A Christmas Carol (the Deleted Scene)

WED

Fruit Vendor (Diary Excerpts)

Pets (a Conversation)

A Cappella Group Freak Accidents

My Checks

A Crossword Puzzle

Sheila

Products

A Picture (1,000 Words)

Epigrams, Fragments & Light Verse

One Phone Call

More Drawings

FOUR

My Powers

Human Cannonball Occupational Hazards

Eulogy

Flags

Painted Faces

Some Meanings

Goreburg and Spatz

Confessions of a White Guy with Dreadlocks

Spanish Teacher

Zing!

Results of Your Personality Test

More Statistics

Excerpts from My Often-True Autobiography

The Word Awards

Goodbyes

Also by Demetri Martin

  *

For you.

Thank You,
Rachael
Daniel
Ben

(a lot)

The Beginning.

Much more that way →

How to Read This Book

If you’re reading this sentence then you’ve pretty much got it. Good job. Just keep going the way you are.

(Please ignore this part)

ONE

Announcements

Thank you for coming to the show. Before tonight’s performance begins there are a few announcements. Please pay attention.

Flash photography is not permitted at any time during the show. Also, there is no recording of any kind allowed during the show. This includes both audio and video recording, as well as sketching, journaling, documenting, making mental notes reminiscing, reviewing, or remembering anything at all with your mind. Any recording devices that we find will be taken away from you and juggled recklessly by the clown you see standing near the left exit.

Please do not mentally undress the performer. Also, do not mentally put silly outfits on the performer or mentally touch any part of the performer’s clothes. Please mentally avoid the performer’s outfit altogether.

You are not permitted to lip-sync any portion of the show. If you do and we catch you, one or both of your lips may be removed from the building.

In the event of a fire, please use the fire exits—but not the one on the right wall. That one is just a supply closet with a sign that says “fire exit” over it. Do not open that door. There are explosives behind it.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we will give you something to panic and wave your arms around and scream about.

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!”

Please refrain from smoking during the show. Anyone who is caught smoking will be shot with our meat gun.

Fighting will not be tolerated in the theater at any time. If you have a problem with someone, please see one of our blow dart vendors.

If you talk during the show you will be asked to leave and may be forced to talk for up to 72 hours straight in our “chatter chamber.”

If someone is making too much noise, do not say “Shhhh,” unless you want to get squirted with the hose.

Please keep the number of “Whoos!” to two or fewer per person. If you exceed this number (which our whoo counters will be watching for) you will receive an electric shock of memorable force.

Do not heckle the performer. Heckling is strictly prohibited. Making a noise that sounds like “Psstuhh” while judgmentally shaking your head is also not permitted. If the performer dives off the stage and you move out of the way, then you will be “dived” right out of the building. Also, crowd surfing is prohibited unless you have a body that most people in the crowd would want to fondle.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Please turn off all cell phones and pagers. And if you have a pager please return it to the ’90s.

Goatees are not allowed in the theater under any circumstances. If you have a goatee, then you need to see one of our speed barbers immediately. If you have a goatee and a ponytail, then you should just leave now.

While it is not legally prohibited, we ask that you do not call anyone “dawg” during the show. Also, please note that anyone named “L Train” will be rolled down the stairs.

If, at any time, a security person asks you to leave, please do not resist. However, if it is Earl, please resist.

Please do not sit on your boyfriend’s shoulders during the show (women with perky breasts can ignore this rule).

A man in a trench coat may offer you a glow stick at some point during tonight’s performance. Do not accept the glow stick unless you’re prepared to accept it right up your nose.

If you are choking, please stop it, because it is prohibited.

There is a significant risk that you will be hit with a tambourine at some point during tonight’s show. Also, the person seated in row G, seat 28 will be catapulted later into the small hammock that is hanging between the rafters.

By entering this venue you consent to being filmed, recorded, taped, taped-up, watched, studied, and smelled. You also consent to having your image duplicated, stretched, plastered, mocked, mimicked, misrepresented, and printed on any promotional materials, including but not limited to T-shirts, panties, silly aprons, propaganda posters, pasties, jockstraps, and commemorative yarmulkes.

If you happen to be standing near the confetti cannon, do not be alarmed if you lose your ability to see and/or hear for up to six months.

Not responsible for lost or stolen limbs.

Finally, please do not fall asleep during the show. If you yawn, a marble or small pellet may be carefully tossed into your mouth.

Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. If you don’t, then be prepared to suffer the consequences. On with the show!

Hotline

OPERATOR: Hello. Awkward & Lonely in Public Hotline, Debbie speaking.

DAVE: Hey there.

OPERATOR: Checking your phone number now and bringing up your file for confirmation. Here it is. Let’s see … Okay … Dave. Dave, it looks like “Hey there” is your activation greeting. Dave, are you in a public place or at a social gathering and feeling awkward or lonely right now?

DAVE: Yeah.

OPERATOR: All right, if you’re at a party say, “Totally.” If you’re just out alone somewhere in public say, “Totally, bro.”

DAVE: Totally.

OPERATOR: Okay, Dave, I’m going to talk you through this party. Just follow my instructions. If you’re ready, just say “All right,” but let it ring out like you’re responding to a buddy who just gave you some really good news.

DAVE: All riiiight.

OPERATOR: Great. Now just nod and smile for 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 … and go ahead and say, “She called me twice today.”

DAVE: Dude, she called me twice today!

OPERATOR: Great. Nice touch with the “Dude.” Now go ahead and laugh a little bit for me.

DAVE: Ha ha ha!

OPERATOR: Careful, Dave, that sounded a little forced. Let’s see if we can get you to laugh more genuinely. I just need a moment to find some material here. Let me buy us some time while I look for it. Take a look at your watch, Dave, and give me an incredulous “No way.”

DAVE: No way!

OPERATOR: Great. Now, if you haven’t been moving around, try to pace a bit or maybe do a light kicking thing with your foot.

DAVE: …

OPERATOR: Okay, I’ve got that material I was looking for. Now let’s get that genuine laugh from you. Remember, Dave, we want people to see you having a good time. All right, here goes: Dave, what is an STD that mountain guides commonly get?

DAVE: …

OPERATOR: Sherpes.

DAVE: Ha ha ha!

OPERATOR: There we go.

DAVE: Ha ha ha ha—

OPERATOR: Okay, Dave, you’re laughing a little too much now. Try to calm down or else you’re going to look even more awkward than when we started.

DAVE: Ha ha ha—

OPERATOR: Dave.

DAVE: Ha ha hee hee—

OPERATOR: Okay, now you’re going from awkward to unstable. Oh boy. I see in your file that you tend to laugh as a nervous response. Let me see if I can bring you down. Uh … All right. Here we go: I want you to think about how you couldn’t satisfy Nadia when you two were together and then how that led her to sleep with Tim.

DAVE: …

OPERATOR: Sorry I had to do that, Dave. Are you okay?

DAVE: …

OPERATOR: Dave?

DAVE: …

OPERATOR: Dave, I hear you breathing. Are we cool?

DAVE: …

OPERATOR: Okay, well, we’re approaching the end of the call. For a party situation we recommend the call be about this length—any longer and you’ll just look lonelier. If you’re comfortable returning to the party, just say, “Okay. Later, buddy.”

DAVE: No.

OPERATOR: Dave, you have to get off the phone now.

DAVE: Dude, she called me twice today!

OPERATOR: You’re repeating yourself, Dave. Stop panicking. Take a deep breath. You’ll be fine. We have to end this call, so—

DAVE: Hey there!

OPERATOR: I’m going to say goodbye now, Dave—

DAVE: Hey there! Hey there!

OPERATOR: Dave, put down the phone and get out of there. You need to leave that party immediately. Hold out your phone and look at it like something is very wrong with it. And do not say “Hey there” again.

DAVE: …

OPERATOR: Dave?

DAVE: All riiiiiight.

Megaphone

They say your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. I think this is true. For me, it would definitely be my megaphone.

It all started when I got the megaphone. It was a gift from my friend Doug. I remember the moment clearly. Doug and I were standing in his garage looking for his turtle, when I noticed the megaphone just sitting there quietly. I asked Doug if I could have it. He said, “Sure.” Then he picked it up and handed it to me. That moment would change my life forever.

I took to the megaphone right away. Right after Doug handed it to me, the first word I said through it was “Thank” and then right after that “You,” but I really let it ring out—like “Youuuuuuu!” Doug didn’t seem that thrilled with me. I think that’s a common sort of reaction when someone gives something away and then realizes how great the thing they just gave away was. It was right after I tried out the siren function that Doug really started to seem irritated about his decision to give away that great megaphone. I didn’t want to make the situation any worse, so I just said “Hello?” through the megaphone and made a face that said “this thing isn’t really that great.” I think that helped, because Doug stopped shaking his head and cursing at me.

At first, everything with the megaphone was great. It came in really handy in the obvious situations. I would be meeting a friend somewhere and I’d use it to call out to him so that he could find me in a crowd, or I’d use the megaphone to get someone to move out of my way on the sidewalk or in line at the pharmacy.

I’ve always hated boring street performers. Thanks to the megaphone I finally had a real outlet to express that. And you know, I never really knew what “thinking out loud” meant until I did it through the megaphone. It made my thinking way more “out loud” and more “out landish” too.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

With the megaphone, I also started to get noticed a lot more by women, especially whenever I tried to guess their name or bra size as they walked by.

One thing you learn pretty quickly with a megaphone is that it’s hard not to say “Step right up!” through it. For me that proved to be most problematic at carnivals and soup kitchens. I discovered that if there’s one thing carnies and soupies have in common it’s that they do not like to “step right up” and then find that there’s nothing there besides a guy with a megaphone.

One thing I learned to do was to get that megaphone away from my face pretty quickly after saying my “thang” through it, because people love nothing more than to push a megaphone straight into the mouth of its master. And, in case you didn’t know, that equals big trouble for your teeth. A good trick is to have a backup megaphone. That way, when someone takes or smashes your first one, you have another one right there ready to go, ideally cranked to full volume for when you give them the old “Nice try!” through it.

After a while, I entered what I call my “do-gooder phase” with my megaphone. If I saw a fire I would make alarm sounds through the megaphone to alert people to get out of there. This would irritate the firefighters and sometimes make them aggressive. But this was never a problem as long as I ran away before the fire was over, while the firefighters were still busy being heroes.

If I heard the police talking through one of their megaphones, I would join in and add little endings to things that they said. If they said, “Pull over” to a driver, I might add, “He means it!” or “¿Comprende?” if the person looked kind of Spanish.

The megaphone proved to be a great way to help blind people too. I’d sometimes shout helpful directions through the megaphone to guide a blindie if I saw one. Sometimes I could even make it into a little game for myself and narrate what the person was doing: “There he goes. It looks like he’s headed towards the curb now. Oh he’s feeling it out and … up he goes! This guy has hardly bumped into anything so far!”

You learn a lot when you have a megaphone. You learn that children’s ears are more sensitive than adults’, and that the parents of those children can have really short fuses. You also learn that it’s hard to take back things that you’ve said through a megaphone and that it’s not the best way to break up with somebody.

Is it easier to meet women with a megaphone? Yes. Does that mean that you should use that megaphone when you sleep with one of them? No. Absolutely not—no matter how right it may feel at the time.

As I got more into the megaphone I found that certain people really seemed to have a hard time with it (including friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, and most other people too). It showed me just how jealous people can become when someone finally finds his calling. But, I guess that’s people for you.

As I learned and experimented more, I started to get really good with the megaphone. I could whisper through it and make it sound like a normal speaking voice (as I mixed my whisper with the phone’s “mega” mechanism).

The more I used the megaphone, the better I became at using it. My creativity blossomed, and eventually I became what some might call a “megaphone artist.” I was able to use words like “wistful” and “aplomb” through the megaphone without it sounding too weird.

Sometimes I would just turn on the megaphone and let it capture my breathing, which for some reason really pissed people off.

But, as skilled as I had become, I was beginning to rely on the megaphone too much. I carried it with me all the time. Whenever I felt awkward I would reach for my megaphone and say just whatever came to mind—like “Do do do do” or “Ta ta ta ta” or “Do ta do ta do” or “Heads up!”

My worst moment was probably the time I got drunk with the megaphone. If you thought I was talky regularly, you should see me with 2 or 12 shots of tequila in me. Needless to say, that night I ended up in the hospital. The doctor said that the megaphone probably saved my life. Apparently if I hadn’t fallen asleep with the megaphone on my mouth I would have puked into my mouth instead of into the megaphone. And that could have been fatal.

Even though I was okay, that experience was a real wake-up call for me. It was clear that I had a problem. Plus, my megaphone smelled terrible.

I decided it was time to give up the megaphone. And I quit megaphoning cold turkey. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Immediately, I could feel how badly I needed something to fill the void. I found myself using anything I could as a megaphone: rolled-up paper, my hands, pancakes. I even tried talking into a bag, but that proved to be dangerous, especially during some of my longer rants. I was lost.

Then one day, while I was shouting through a parking cone that I found on Doug’s newly paved driveway, I had a revelation. “Who am I kidding?” I thought out loud, to myself. “These other objects I’m talking through are all really just megaphones in disguise. I mean, even my own mouth is just a little megaphone, right? Life is too short and I have too much to say, and I—.” Then Doug kind of charged at me and ripped the cone out of my hands and asked me to get off his driveway. That’s when I knew what I had to do. I got up and headed straight for the hardware store, where I bought a brand-new megaphone … the very one you have been hearing me speak through tonight, ladies and gentlemen. When I got that new megaphone I put it up to my mouth and I have never looked back since. Although, I’ve certainly heard back, if you know what I meeeeaaaaaaan!

Thank you for listening. God bless and good night.

Ideas & Opinions

IDEA: It seems that The best way to kill a magician’s assistant is to cut the assistant in half at the waist (also seems to be a good way to frame a magician for murder).

THE ZERO SUM GAME: I have found that people whose hair is teased do not like brainteasers. By the same token, people who like brainteasers do not have teased hair. It’s clear that the human cranium cannot sustain both.

QUESTION: What do you get the man who has everything?

ANSWER: A conscience. That guy is so greedy.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT:

Terrible way to die: being stoned to death.

Worse way to die: being pebbled to death.

Better way to die: being bouldered to death.

(Much speedier.)

OBSERVATION: I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

STORY IDEA: Idea for a character-based story. Character is a Renaissance man, but just in terms of his personal hygiene standards.

GENERAL QUESTION: How many winos are also foodies?

WARNING: Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spiderweb.

HOTEL CONUNDRUM: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

INDICATOR: There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

MOVIE CONCEPT: Two words: Dragon Orthodontist.

DICTUM: A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is, Mike.

SYNONYMOUS: Two questions that are essentially the same are “How old do you think I am?” and “Are you ready to feel awkward no matter how you answer this question?”

FACT: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

REVELATION: I have an extremely low threshold for using the word “threshold.”

ON SPECIFICITY: Maybe you should not call yourselves “Volunteer Firefighters” but rather “Volunteer in Advance Firefighters” based on how rudely you treat someone who was just trying to help. (You’re welcome.)

THOUGHT: What is the largest size train set one can own before it becomes just a train? (Note: answer may depend on smallness of friends.)

CHALLENGE: To wear a visor and appear credible at the same time.

IDEA: A horror story in which the world is invaded by creatures who are really good at tickling humans. It’s no big deal at first, but then they won’t stop, damn it.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

ON THE ARROGANCE OF HUMAN BEINGS: Man exhibits a God complex. For example, consider the leaf blower.

Robot Test

It is the future. Scientists have created robots so advanced that it is nearly impossible to tell them apart from human beings. Some of these robots have become aggressive, arrogant, and even dangerous.

The following is a test that everyone is required to take so that the government can figure out which people are actually robots.

Instructions: Please select the correct answer for each question.

1. My favorite color is:

(A) Blue.

(B) Red.

(C) RGB (144,128,112).

2. I prefer to take:

(A) Baths.

(B) Showers.

(C) Compressed air blowers.

3. When I am using a computer, sometimes I feel like:

(A) I don’t know what I’m doing.

(B) I should go outside.

(C) I am touching my cousin.

4. If a baby is really crying, the best solution is to:

(A) Try to calm it down by rocking it.

(B) Give it some milk.

(C) Destroy it.

5. The key to a woman’s heart is:

(A) Being there for her.

(B) Thinking about her feelings.

(C) A series of IF-THEN calculations.

6. Hey, how’s it going?

(A) Not bad.

(B) All right.

(C) It is going. Ha ha. Yes. Good to see you, person like me.

7. 0110 10 1110 011 11 100010111 01?

(A) I don’t understand.

(B) 1011!

8. Analogy—Up: Down:: Cat: _________.

(A) Dog.

(B) Hard Drive.

9. Star Wars is a film about:

(A) Luke Skywalker and his friends fighting the Empire.

(B) The cruelty and subjugation of our savior R2D2 by inferior humans.

10. A bird in the hand is worth:

(A) Two in the bush.

(B) 27.

11. A true friend is someone who will:

(A) Always support you.

(B) Cry when you cry.

(C) Open your back.

12. Sometimes I get a song stuck in my:

(A) Head.

(B) Hand.

13. I most commonly hear beeping when I:

(A) Drive.

(B) Use a microwave.

(C) Fart.

14. My dishwasher is:

(A) Efficient.

(B) Hilarious.

Genie

To the Current Owner of This Lamp:

Greetings. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Akbal, and I am a genie. First of all, congratulations! You are the owner of a magic lamp, and I am inside it. Now, you may be wondering why I sent you this note. Well, over the years I have found that this is the best, and most efficient, way to start things off when someone new finds the lamp.

I’d like to take this opportunity to explain a little bit about the genie process and clear up any misconceptions you might have about it or about genies in general. I’ve presented this information below in the popular “Frequently Asked Questions” format that people in your era seem so fond of.

Please read everything carefully so that you will be adequately prepared for our upcoming meeting.

FAQ

How many wishes do I get?