Private Practices
A Novel
TO JESSICA WOLFE AND MAX POLLACK
A brother offended is harder to be won than
a strong city: and their contentions are like
the bars of a castle.
OLD TESTAMENT, PROVERBS XVIII: 19
CHAPTER ONE
JANUARY
Emily Harper had given up smoking but during her first appointment with Dr. Ben Zauber she couldn’t help asking her husband to give her a cigarette. Philip looked reluctant, but he handed her his pack anyway. He knew that new situations made her nervous and that this one was particularly anxiety laden. He knew she didn’t want the baby quite as much as he did.
The doctor, leaning forward in his swivel chair, observed in a quiet voice, “Smoking’s not a very good idea when you’re pregnant,” and Emily nodded.
“I know. I’m just going to have this one.”
“Good. And now let’s talk about your weight. You’re a little overweight, aren’t you? It would be best for both you and the baby if you changed your eating habits, cut down now, right from the start.”
Emily blushed. She had always wanted to be thin and was ashamed of her plumpness. “Of course,” she said uncomfortably to Dr. Zauber. “I’ll try my best.”
Philip, hearing the strain in her voice, put his arm around the back of her chair and his gesture alleviated her embarrassment. Grateful, she reached out and stroked the nape of his neck and felt, as she often did when she touched him, a physical recollection of their lovemaking that leaped like a current from her fingertips to her genitals. She wished she weren’t frightened of bearing his child.
Her fears had nothing to do with Philip. He was as loyal, as supportive, a husband and father-to-be as she could have hoped to find. But ever since her internist had reported that her pregnancy test was positive, she had begun dreaming of producing monsters, had awakened sweating from visions of a two-headed kitten wailing to be let out of a refrigerator, and a mascara-lashed infant lying in its pram and rubbing at its eyes with scaly thumbs.
Her dreams had so disconcerted her that she had delayed calling her gynecologist, old Harry Mulenberg, for several agonizing weeks during which she kept wavering between wanting to ask him to give her an abortion and wanting him to act as her obstetrician. And then, when at last she made up her mind to keep the baby, she learned from Mulenberg’s office that he had had a stroke and was no longer practicing.
The doctor his office had recommended, Ben Zauber, seemed nice enough, Emily thought, but she couldn’t make up her mind if she would ever like him sufficiently to confide in him, to tell him her fears, to seek his help in overcoming them. With Mulenberg, she would have had no trouble. Bombastic yet benign, he had always been able to relax her, brushing aside anxieties with an antiquated joke or a torrent of grandfatherly advice. The new doctor looked straitlaced and reserved.
“Any questions?” he was saying now, his voice so restrained that she had to lean forward to hear him.
Philip said, “Well, there’s the main one,” and put a comforting hand over Emily’s. “Emily wants natural childbirth. Will you honor her wishes? Deliver the baby without anesthesia?”
The obstetrician smiled for the first time since they had been in his office. His smile was tentative, shy. “So that’s the main one, is it?” Then he added in his soft-spoken manner, “Yes, of course, provided everything goes naturally.”
“Meaning?” Philip asked him.
“Meaning there are no complications. No dangers.”
Emily puffed deeply on her cigarette and joined the interrogation. Something even more important than natural childbirth had flashed through her mind. “Well, suppose there were dangers. I mean, for both me and the baby.” And then she paused, unable to proceed. She couldn’t bring herself to articulate her thought and yet it seemed to her that she had stumbled upon the crux of what worried her most about having a child.
“Yes, Mrs. Harper?” Dr. Zauber asked.
But she felt tongue-tied, superstitious, and afraid that if she asked her question the doctor would consider her an alarmist. Uneasy, she looked away from him, studying his small office, the walls bare except for a meager handful of framed degrees and a single Van Gogh sunflower print.
“You’re worried about which one of you I’d choose,” he said gently. “Is that it?” he prodded her.
Suddenly Emily turned and met his heavy-lidded greenish brown eyes. “Yes, which would it be?” she blurted out, relieved that he had phrased the question for her.
Dr. Zauber opened his sleepy-looking eyes wide and spoke more emphatically. “It rarely comes to that. But if it did, there’d be no question. You and Mr. Harper here can always make another baby. Harper-to-be can’t make another mother.”
Reassured, Emily smiled and stubbed out her cigarette. “Thank you,” she murmured. Then she added self-consciously, “I guess it was a dumb question.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Dr. Zauber’s voice had grown quiet again but Emily found that she no longer disliked its monotonic softness. “Obstetricians almost never have to make a choice between a mother and a baby anymore,” he went on, “but women always think it’s something that happens regularly. You’d be amazed at how often I’m asked that question.”
“I guess I’m commonplace then,” Emily teased, beginning to feel more relaxed. “I guess I’m just a statistic.”
“Not at all. Every pregnant woman is different, presents different challenges. It’s just the questions that are the same. Come, let’s see your differences.” Dr. Zauber had gotten up and Emily noticed how awkward his posture was. Pointing the way to the examining room, he stood with his back hunched, his shoulders stooped.
A nurse was already waiting for Emily inside the examining room and she directed her to the changing cubicle. Emily slipped out of her clothes and into the paper robe left neatly folded on a shelf. Like at the hairdresser’s, she thought, and tried to concentrate on the prosaic, for despite herself she was once again tense. She had always disliked being examined.
The nurse didn’t help. “Hurry up, Mother,” she called out. “The doctor hasn’t got all day.”
But Dr. Zauber didn’t seem at all rushed when he came in and joined them. He took his time, thoughtfully prodding her belly, probing inside her vagina and rectum, exploring her breasts. His touch was gentle and all the while he examined her, he talked to her of trivia, asking her how she liked the heavy snows they’d been having all month and whether she’d seen any good movies lately. He seemed tired, she thought once, and was reminded of how Philip often said nonsense words to her late at night just to keep a connection of sound between them until he drifted off to sleep.
Finally Dr. Zauber told her to sit up. “You’re fine,” he said. “A little small, but fine.”
“How nice to be called small somewhere,” she joked.
Dr. Zauber looked puzzled and then a shy smile crossed his lips again. He didn’t tell jokes like her old gynecologist, Mulenberg, Emily thought. But he responded to them, seemed to appreciate her efforts at lightness. And he was certainly sensitive. She did like him, she decided, and already some of her fears, now that she had found herself a champion in the lists of childbirth, seemed diminished and defused.
Ben Zauber said goodbye to the Harpers at the door to his office and they left, Philip’s arm around Emily’s shoulders. Their closeness made him melancholy. As soon as they had disappeared down the corridor toward the waiting room, he shut the door, sat down heavily at his desk, and began toying with the pills he kept always handy in his jacket pocket. Experience had taught him that the acute moods of sadness that so often attacked him could be splendidly vanquished by the pills. At times they made him so deliciously tranquil that he could cease thinking altogether and fall asleep on command.
He adored sleep. Sleep was his seducer, his love. He dreamed about it all day long, planned surprise encounters with it, sudden unexpected meetings, perhaps in the back of a taxicab or in a crowded elevator, or a hasty two-minute grab at it in his office while nurses and patients waited outside, unknowing. Sometimes he felt ashamed of his love affair with sleep; like any secret liaison, it might be judged harshly by the rest of the world. Other people, his colleagues, his patients, his brother Sidney, had more acceptable affairs, had husbands and wives, lovers and mistresses, fiancées, sweethearts, paramours. Ben fondled the pill container, his hand burrowing in his pocket.
And then he caught a glimpse of his watch and felt disappointment invade him. It was only eleven. He had thought it much later. He would have to wait before taking the pill. Just an hour or two, he comforted himself. After lunch he would take his second pill of the day and maybe even have a go at his beloved sleep.
His receptionist Cora was already at the door with his next patient, a woman whose olive-skinned Mediterranean face looked vaguely familiar. “Ben?” the woman said warmly. Cora moved in front of her and handed him her folder. “Ben?” the woman repeated. “Ben Zauber?”
Cora discreetly exited, shutting the office door noiselessly.
“Do I know you?” he asked the new patient, looking up through a haze of drowsiness and seeing plum-colored eyes fixed intently on his. The woman’s mouth was wide, her hair an aureole of dark curls. He had seen her before, he was sure, but he couldn’t recall who she was.
“It’s Naomi,” she announced with a shade of disappointment in her voice. “Naomi Golden. From King Street.” She sighed and added, “I guess I’ve changed a lot.”
“No, no,” he assured her, embarrassed. With the name, he had at last begun to place her. He had known her when he was a teen-ager, back in the days when he and Sidney and their mother had lived in the mock-Tudor apartment house in Brooklyn. Younger than either Sidney or himself, Naomi had nevertheless occasionally attended some of the same parties to which they had been invited, raucous affairs, twenty or thirty boys and girls from the neighborhood crowding into the radio-resonant living room of someone whose parents had unsuspectingly gone out for the evening. He had always felt uncomfortable at these gatherings, particularly when the lights were turned low and the more daring boys and girls withdrew to the far reaches of the apartment, three or four couples to a bedroom. He recalled that Naomi, like his brother, Sidney, had been one of those who frequently braved the bedrooms.
“I’d have known you anywhere,” Naomi was saying. He stood, and she came around his desk and embraced him. She was wearing an Indian shirt replete with embroidery and tiny mirrors, and around her shoulders was draped a thickly knitted Mexican sweater. She looked like a walking boutique, he thought critically, and held himself stiffly in her embrace. She had always dressed in a scattered, unconventional fashion, he recalled. In high school, she had been given to leotards and black stockings when all the other girls wore angora sweaters and bobby sox, and once, when he was already in medical school and rarely in the old neighborhood at all, he had run into her getting out of the subway, moccasined and voluminously skirted, her throat ablaze with Navajo turquoise.
Still, he was surprised to see her still dressed in what looked like bohemian garb to him. He had heard from someone, years ago, that Naomi had settled down, become a writer, married a lawyer, had a child.
“I’m proud of you,” she was saying now in her husky Brooklyn-accented voice, and waving a hand around his office. “Park Avenue and all.”
He had no facility for small talk. Her energy made him feel tired. “I’m proud of you, too,” he ventured at last. “I heard you’re a writer.”
“A journalist,” she shrugged. “I work for a news magazine.” Then she plumped herself expansively down in the chair alongside his desk and grinned. “But as Chekhov said, I may be a journalist now, but I don’t intend to die one.”
He smiled. He appreciated ruefulness and regrets. They were familiar emotions to him.
“Who’d you hear about me from?” Naomi asked, returning his smile. Hers was large and lazy. It spread across her face and lingered long before it faded.
“Charlie Enson. I ran into him once. He’s a dentist.”
“A dentist! Oh, God.” She made a mock-frightened face and clamped her hand over her teeth. Then she giggled. “But I’m glad to hear it. I always wondered what became of him. And whenever I don’t hear about someone, I always imagine that something terrible has happened to them. That they’ve died.” She turned and looked around his office, her shoulders twisting, her eyes inquisitive. She seemed to be perpetually in motion, perpetually augmenting her words with gestures and bold glances. “How’s your mother?” she asked, fiddling with an antique silver chain that dangled down her chest. “And your brother, Sidney?”
“They’re fine. My mother’s in Florida. Sidney and I share the practice here.”
“I gathered that,” she nodded. Then she asked, “You married?”
It was a troubling subject. He shook his head but said nothing in explanation.
“I’m divorced,” she offered. “Well, separated. As of a year ago. But the divorce is on its way.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No need to be sorry,” she answered brightly. “It happens to everyone. A sort of reverse initiation.”
“I’m doubly innocent then,” Ben managed, trying to emulate her bantering tone. “Not divorced. Not even married yet.”
She smiled again. “Count your blessings.”
“Didn’t you like being married?”
“Does anyone?”
To his surprise, he realized that he was enjoying himself. Naomi’s patter had a familiar quality, the rhythm of his childhood. His mother and his uncles had often answered questions with questions, praise with ironic deflections of praise. But he couldn’t think what to say in reply to Naomi’s comment and he found himself wondering whether she had come to see him as a patient or a friend. He needed to know such things. Structure gave him security. Opening Naomi’s folder, he asked abruptly, “Well, what can I do for you?”
She looked unhappy, as if she had wanted their exchange of personal information to continue a while longer, but she said, “I need an IUD. A diaphragm’s okay when you’re married, but when you’re separated, it’s a little too risky.”
He nodded but closed her folder. “Birth control’s Sidney’s bailiwick. Didn’t the nurse tell you when you called for an appointment?”
Naomi twisted her silver chain around her fingers. “Yes, but I said I wanted to see you. I’m afraid I insisted. I remember Sidney from the old days too and I never cared for him. I thought that under the circumstances—”
He shook his head. “You’ll have to see Sidney. He handles all the birth control requests. Keeps notes on them for his research.”
Naomi’s brow furrowed. “I read something in the Times about his research. A new birth control pill, wasn’t it?”
“It’s going to revolutionize birth control as we know it,” Ben said proudly. “In its way it’s as remarkable a concept as Pincus’ pill, Lippes’ loop.”
“That’s exciting. Is it in use anywhere?”
“No. It’s still being tested. In the Caribbean.”
Naomi shrugged again. “Well, all right. What do I do? Make another appointment?”
He sighed. “I’m afraid so.” Then he said hesitantly, wanting to be helpful, “No. Wait a moment. Sidney’s here in the office. It’s not one of his patient days, but maybe he’ll see you anyway.”
“I’d be grateful.”
“Sit here. I’ll step around and see if he’s free.”
Sidney was poring over a sheaf of typed papers when Ben tapped on his door. His head bent, it looked leonine and massive, aswirl with luxurious light brown waves. Ben’s hair, although he was younger than Sidney, had already begun to thin. In every way there was less of himself than of his brother, he thought wryly. They were the same height, but Sidney weighed a good forty pounds more than he did, and had always been heavier and better-built. Sidney had a square face, with a rugged jaw, imposing nose and full, firm lips. He himself had a narrow, elongated face with sculpted hollows in his cheeks, and his nose and lips were thin. Their mother used to call him a tall drink of water.
Comparing himself to Sidney so distracted him that for a moment he forgot why he had sought him out, and when Sidney lifted his eyes from his typescript and said irritably, “What is it?” he couldn’t, for a moment, remember. When he did, he hemmed, “Are you very busy? Could you spare a few minutes? Could you do me a favor?” God knew he did enough favors for Sidney to merit a few of his own, he encouraged himself.
“Sure, old buddy,” Sidney said, “provided you’ll do one for me, too. You remember when I told you about Lippes’ tie clasp?”
“Yeah. Gold and shaped like a loop.”
Sidney frowned in annoyed remembrance. “He wears it wherever he goes. Every time I run into him, he’s wearing his damn logo.”
Ben nodded. He knew Sidney disdained Lippes and nearly all the other leading birth-control men, and often looked for minor personal traits with which to condemn them.
“Well, I think I’d like something like that,” Sidney concluded. “Before the next big meeting. Before Houston.”
Ben was surprised. He had expected Sidney to denounce Lippes as vain or egotistical. But here he was wanting to emulate him. He tilted his head, puzzled. “You want a tie clasp shaped like a loop!”
“No. Jesus Christ, think for a minute.” The telephone began ringing just then and Sidney picked it up, whispering loudly, “A ring. An opal. In the shape of a capsule.” Holding the phone with one hand, he fanned out the fingers of the other, which already bore the discreet diamond Claudia had given him on their first anniversary. He kept his ringed hand up, an elbow on the desk, and let his fingers jiggle in the air as he began to talk into the phone, saying firmly, “Yeah. Sure I’m sure. Not if Greeley’s heading the panel.”
In a short while he shrugged, made a bored face at the phone and turned to Ben, sliding the hand that was holding the receiver down across the mouthpiece. “Rockefeller Institute,” he whispered. “Again. But I told them they’d never get me and Greeley on the same platform.” A moment later he returned his attention to the phone and lifted his fingers so that he could speak into the mouthpiece. “No. There’s nothing to explain. I just won’t do it.”
Ben waited for Sidney to finish his conversation, busying himself by admiring the graceful room with its carved plaster moldings, French windows, crystal chandelier and tiled fireplace. It had been the parlor once. A turn-of-the-century apartment. But by the time he and Sidney had taken over the lease, it had already been converted into a professional suite. This big front room was the one Ben had always loved. But from the very beginning of their occupancy it had been clear whose room it was. Sidney’s. Ben had moved into the small back office.
Just as well, he thought. Sidney needed space. Needed it the way a fish needs water. He had converted one of the suite’s two bathrooms into a lab—though he had one at the hospital too—and had taken over the file room for his research notes. The patients waited in line to use the single bathroom. The medical files had been awkwardly squeezed in behind Cora’s front desk. And still he complained of lack of space. He was always expanding. He had even run out of room for his elaborate collection of Milton Avery water-colors and Raphael Soyer drawings. They were competing for wall space behind his desk with his numerous diplomas, honorary degrees and testimonial plaques.
“Okay. Got to go,” Sidney was saying at last. He signed to Ben that he was about to terminate the call. “You get back to me. If you get him off, I’ll be there.” Hanging up, he shook his head vigorously. “Damn sycophants. They know Greeley’s recent work sucks but they keep inviting him anyway.” Then he shrugged and smiled at Ben. “Well, no matter. Let’s get back to the ring. I’d like it to be a surprise. I don’t want Claudia to know I thought it up myself.”
Ben nodded. Sidney stood. And Ben started to leave. Naomi had gone out of his mind. Sidney’s affairs, grander than his own, made his own concerns grow indistinct or vanish altogether. But as he approached the door, he remembered and said, “Hey, Sid. I wanted you to do me a favor. See a patient of mine who needs an IUD.”
Sidney made a groaning sound.
“She’s an old friend or I wouldn’t bother you on the spur of the moment,” Ben continued. “Naomi Golden. Remember her from King Street?”
Sidney shook his head.
“Well, anyway,” Ben persisted. “How about it?”
“Why the hell didn’t you mention it sooner? Jesus. I already gave you ten minutes. I’m due at Midstate at two.”
“I started to,” Ben said, “but we got going about the ring.”
“Yeah, well all right,” Sidney grunted. “Tell Cora to get your friend ready and I’ll be along in about fifteen minutes.”
“Thanks. See you at dinner.”
“Dinner? Oh, Jesus. I meant to speak to you about that.”
Ben began to rub at his palms with his fingers. Ashamed of his nervous gesture, he thrust his hands into the pockets of his white jacket where his right hand made comforting contact with the pill vial. He closed his fingers around it, worrying it the way a Greek worries his beads.
Sidney pushed back his chair and came around his desk. “Maybe we’d better put it off,” he said. “I’ve got to take an early flight to make the NIH meeting tomorrow.”
Ben stared at Sidney in dismay. “You might have made up your mind a little earlier,” he said, trying not to reveal how hurt he felt. But his voice betrayed him. He stammered a little. “Not—not at the last minute.”
“Oh, forget it. We’ll have dinner,” Sidney said gruffly.
Ben backed down. “No. It’s okay. If you’ve got to get up early, let’s skip it.”
Sidney’s lips opened in a forced smile. He clapped Ben on the shoulder. “I was just kidding. There’s no problem, as long as we make it an early night. I was just fooling about calling dinner off.”
Ben felt a familiar fury rise within him. Calling the dinner off was one thing; kidding around about it was worse. “It was just a joke, old buddy,” Sidney was saying. “I wouldn’t call tonight off. Claudia’s got something she’s dying to tell you.” He squeezed Ben’s forearm. “Besides, Mulenberg’s coming too and I’m counting on you to keep him out of my hair. You’re the tactful one, everyone says so.”
Ben began to feel better. What difference did it make whether Sidney had been serious or joking as long as he didn’t cancel. “Thanks again,” he smiled, relieved. “You can count on me.”
Back in his office, he told Naomi that Sidney would see her in fifteen minutes. “You were gone so long,” she said. “I thought maybe you were never coming back.”
“Would you have minded that?” He felt unexpectedly flirtatious.
She gave him a surprised look and said sincerely, “Yes. I’ve really enjoyed seeing you again.”
He buzzed Cora, asking her to take Naomi over to Sidney’s side of the suite, and promised Naomi he’d stop by in a few minutes.
He thought about her all during his examination of his next patient, anxious Mrs. Rogers whose periods had grown annoyingly profuse. He ought to ask Naomi out for dinner. Or a drink, he mused. His life had become a tight, airless circle. The hospital. The office. An occasional tête-a-tête at Sidney and Claudia’s. Mrs. Rogers groaned. Withdrawing gloved fingers, he said, “Okay, you can straighten up now,” thinking that if only he had someone else to fall back on, he wouldn’t be so easily thrown by Sidney’s teasing threats of rejection.
“Are the cysts getting bigger?” Mrs. Rogers asked.
“I’m afraid so,” he answered quietly.
“You gotta cut them out?” She looked on the verge of tears.
“No. Not yet. We’re going to watch them. Wait and see’s the best policy. Don’t worry, sweetheart.” She looked grateful at his information and when he called her sweetheart, she blushed. Not all his patients liked the familiarity of endearments and unlike some of his colleagues, he had learned to tailor his use of affectionate language, suiting it to each individual woman. Mrs. Rogers clearly had enjoyed it. She was smiling at him contentedly, her cheeks pinkening with a surge of nostalgia. It must have been years since anyone had addressed her so intimately. He helped her off the table with a generous hand.
Why was it that he could be so successful, so instinctual, with patients? Yet so uncomfortable and constrained with the women he saw outside the office. Would it be true with Naomi too? Finished with Mrs. Rogers he headed down the corridor to Sidney’s side of the office. What would happen if he took Naomi out? He liked her liveliness, her directness. But then he began to think it through. Most likely he’d only fail at getting into bed with her. He always failed at getting into bed with women these days.
Sidney said he was simply picking the wrong women. Middle-class women. What he needed was someone like Sidney’s own wife, Claudia. Money was an aphrodisiac, Sidney always argued. Especially old money. Once, shortly after he’d married Claudia, he’d shown Ben around his new wife’s family’s summer compound on a rocky Massachusetts coast. In silent, unused bedrooms, he’d opened for Ben carefully polished mahogany armoires and brass-handled chests. He’d pulled out photographs and letter albums. Pictures of Henry James in Italy with Claudia’s great-grandmother. Witty greeting cards and thank-you notes of equally revered distant cousins. “Sexy, huh?”
Ben had nodded, understanding this hidden fraternal advice. He hadn’t bothered to remind Sidney that he’d had his share of failures with pedigreed as well as plebeian women. Once Sidney offered advice, Ben always gave it fresh consideration.
Sidney and Naomi were still in Sidney’s examining room. The door was slightly ajar. Tapping on it lightly, Ben entered the room, saying, “Hi. How’re you two getting on?” to Naomi. But she barely acknowledged him. Sidney was standing over her pink-sheeted, spread-eagled body, saying tutorially, “If you wanted an IUD, you should have come directly to me.”
Naomi looked tense. Her feet in the stirrups, she no longer displayed any of the garrulous confidence she’d shown in Ben’s office. Looking at her, he remembered how often even the most blasé of women had told him that the gynecological position filled them with an almost inexplicable terror.
“Will it take long?” Naomi was asking Sidney as he measured her, her lips set in a wide smile, more propitiatory than sincere. Sidney turned away. “Will it hurt?” she asked, still smiling fixedly.
Sidney slammed a drawer and bent over her, holding in his hand a tiny plastic loop ornamented with minuscule hairs and, before the words were quite out of Naomi’s mouth, inserted the loop. Ben saw Naomi blanch and clutch her stomach as if trying to push away the searing cramp the IUD sent twisting through her. Her body jerked for a moment, fishlike. Then at last Sidney answered her, his voice seeming to come from a long distance away. “Who are you to ask for pleasure without pain?”
Naomi went rigid with fury. “Why didn’t you warn me? Prepare me?”
Sidney said, “Would it have made any difference? You came in asking for something. You got it.”
“But still,” she said.
“Lie still,” he said.
And then Sidney passed Ben, striding, and was out the door. He was often brusque with patients, but he had been particularly short with Naomi. It was his fault, Ben blamed himself. He should have known better than to ask Sidney for a favor. But for a moment he considered catching up with his brother and making him turn to see the alarm still lodged in Naomi’s dark eyes.
Then he let Sidney go. After all, Sidney’s attitude was probably correct. He’d done all that had been asked of him. Besides, he often said that it was Ben’s elaborate coddling of his women that had kept him delivering babies. Instead of delivering research.
Moving toward Naomi, who had straightened out her legs and adjusted the sheet, he decided, as he always did, that most likely Sidney knew best. Yet as he offered Naomi his hand in getting down off the table, he felt melancholy once again, and it was all he could do to stop brooding and speak to her. “How are you feeling now?” he asked in a voice so low he almost couldn’t hear it himself.
“Better,” she said ruefully. “No thanks to your brother.”
He felt sorry for her. Forcing himself to raise his voice, he said, “My brother doesn’t bother with the bedside manner, but he’s right, in a way. After all, it’s an inessential ingredient.”
Naomi stared at him. “To you,” she said. “Not to me.” She waited for him to make some reply and when he didn’t, went on, “Sidney’s just as arrogant as I remember him.”
It was hopeless to expect a stranger to grasp that Sidney couldn’t be judged by ordinary rules. That he was a brilliant man, perhaps even a genius. Leading Naomi to the pink-striped cubicle where she had left her clothes, he merely held out his hand and said abruptly, “Well, come see me sometime if you ever change your mind and want a baby.”
She was hurt and turned away from him, ignoring his hand. When he went back to his own office he knew that once again, as so often, he had said something foolish, inappropriate. Although the two hours he had sworn to wait before taking one of his pills had not yet elapsed, he drew the container from his pocket and, hurrying, poured himself water. Then he pried open the lid of the vial, extracted a pill, and put it on his tongue. He drank it down with a gulp that was more a bite than a swallow.
Claudia Zauber was dressing. She had rushed home from the photography museum where she worked in the afternoons, made the hors d’oeuvres for the dinner, and started the stock for the fish casserole. Mulenberg was coming. And Ben. She had to hurry. She’d asked Sidney to be sure to tell Ben to come early so that she could tell him their news privately.
He was entitled to getting it that way, she thought, toweling herself dry after her quick shower. Of course, Sidney should have been the one to tell him. But it was typical of him to leave such personal concerns to her. He was always too busy. Too bored, really, by the demands of tact. When she had first mentioned to him that they ought to break the news to Ben privately, and gently, Sidney had asked, “Why?” and only this morning he had told her that he had forgotten why they were having Ben to dinner tonight.
“To tell him about the baby,” she had reminded him. “Otherwise he might guess it. My breasts are getting bigger already.”
Sidney had groaned, “I’m too tired for company tonight. Can’t we call it off?”
Concerned, she had said, “He’s bound to feel jealous, depressed. We’ve got to tell him about it in a way that won’t make him feel left out. You’re all he’s got, Sid.” More than the brothers themselves, Claudia understood Ben’s dependency on Sidney.
She felt it too. There was about Sidney, for all his gruffness, his temper tantrums and self-absorption, an excitement that made life lived near him vivid and life lived away from him bland. Even after five years of marriage, Claudia felt an excited anticipation about his coming home and wondered whether they would make love tonight, after their guests had gone.
Eager, she dabbed Givenchy on her throat and between her breasts, and then held the blow-dryer to her blond, glistening hair. She would have to pay special attention to her appearance now that she was pregnant, she thought. It was terrible the way some expectant mothers just let themselves go.
Her own mother had done it, growing overweight while carrying her. Keeping the extra weight afterward. Thickening. Turning matronly. Not edging into motherhood but retreating into it and ceasing to show interest in her husband. Studying her pale-skinned body in the mirror, Claudia promised herself that no matter how child care preoccupied her, she would never let Sidney slip away from her sexually. She had seen the results of her mother’s avoidance of her father, his alcoholism, his mistresses, his need, in the end, to degrade both mother and daughter. A shiver ran through her body despite the heated air the dryer was expelling, and she reached for her Japanese kimono, wrapping it tightly around her still-slender waist before beginning to apply her makeup.
She tinted her cheeks and lips a pale pink but eschewed any eye makeup, preferring a natural look. Then she got dressed. But Sidney was late and so was Ben. Restless, she began applying a clear polish to her already shiny nails. When the doorman rang her to announce Dr. Mulenberg, she realized that Sidney must have forgotten to tell Ben to come early.
Ben, his head on his arms and his arms on his desk, awakened slowly, dreamily, and felt content, but a moment later he saw his watch and anxiety flooded his mind. Why hadn’t Sidney awakened him? It was seven-thirty. What time were they supposed to go to dinner? He couldn’t recall, but surely they were late by now. Pushing into his examining room, he splashed his face with water at the sink. His limbs felt bloodless and numb. He moved heavily down the corridor to Sidney’s office. But it was already locked. Sidney must have gone to the hospital. He’d best get himself uptown on his own. Quickly. But his legs still felt weak. He went back to his own office and wrestled his way into his overcoat.
Outside, on the street, he waved listlessly at several cabs. They sped past him despite the fact that their lights indicated they were available, and he grew increasingly nervous. Sidney would be annoyed at his lateness. He’d made a point of saying he wanted an early night. He moved off the sidewalk, out into the gutter, and waved his arm more strenuously. At last a cab stopped for him. Lethargically, through the window, he gave Sidney’s address, his words slurred, and sank motionless into the back seat.
“Fifth and where?” the driver asked irritably.
“Ninety-fifth,” he managed a little more clearly, realizing he was not yet in full control of his speech. He sat forward and tried to concentrate on gaining the control, flexing his fingers and murmuring to himself. Then he practiced smiling and frowning. By the time he was in the elevator that opened directly into Sidney and Claudia’s foyer, he had mastered his lethargy. He stepped briskly out onto their Bokhara carpet, as alert and agile as he ever was.
“Hi, love.” Claudia, wearing a sleeveless silvery dress was coming down the hallway to help him off with his coat. Behind her, in the living room, he could see Harry Mulenberg—ensconced in his wheelchair in front of the fireplace. There was no sign of Sidney. “Sid’s on the phone,” Claudia announced. “And Harry’s growing restless. It’ll be better now that you’re here.” Giving him a cool familial kiss on the cheek, she added, “I was hoping you’d get here early. I have some news for you.”
“Sidney said you did. What is it?” he asked, his mind abruptly turning to unhappy possibilities. Were she and Sidney going off to Europe as they had done last winter? Were they moving? Were they buying the sprawling suburban house that Sidney had long dreamed of owning? He tried not to chide himself for always anticipating, whenever people told him they had news for him, reports of distance and separation.
“I can’t tell you now,” Claudia sighed. “It’s for your ears alone.” She glanced toward the living room. “Can you stay late?”
Could she be pregnant, he wondered as he indicated his availability with a nod. But no, as far as he knew, Sidney didn’t want children, not at this busy stage of his career.
“Harry and Marilyn have separated,” Claudia said, interrupting his thoughts. She took his coat and hung it in the spacious closet.
“I heard. Poor Marilyn.”
Claudia shrugged. “She’ll get over it. They should have done it years ago.” Then, “Be nice to Harry,” she whispered conspiratorially and brushed her fingers against his hand, her touch so light that for a moment he thought he had imagined it.
In the living room Mulenberg greeted him and Ben sat down near him, trying to do Claudia’s bidding—though it wasn’t his behavior Claudia was worried about, he knew. It was Sidney’s. The old man was the only person in their circle who persisted in treating Sidney as if he were still just a fledgling doctor. Not the eminent researcher he had become. And it made Sidney furious. But Claudia was a meticulously hospitable person. And because Harry Mulenberg had been her gynecologist before she had met Sidney, and had been Sidney’s mentor back in the days when the brothers had first come to the hospital, she always insisted that for old times’ sake, they ought to entertain him. “Didn’t you tell me they told you to go easy on alcohol?” she asked Mulenberg as he held up his empty wine glass. “Haven’t you drunk enough for one lifetime?” She looked at his drawn face with concern.
“Claudia, dear,” the old man said. “You remind me of the gynecologist whose patient, an aged lady, told him she couldn’t urinate. ‘Ich kennit pischen,’ she says. So he asks her her age and when she tells him, ‘Ochten-seis’—eighty-six—he says, ‘You’ve pissed enough.’”
Ben glanced at Claudia’s face and saw her lips curved into a smile. He doubted she would have laughed at Mulenberg’s vulgarity if Sidney had been in the room. Sidney, something of a puritan, despised Mulenberg’s coarse humor. Was Claudia genuinely fond of the old man, he wondered. Or was she just being political, manipulating him for Sidney’s sake because despite his age and recent stroke he still had important friends at the hospital? He could never quite figure out his elusive, well-bred sister-in-law.
“Harry, you’re incorrigible,” she said liltingly now. “You may be seventy-two, but inside you’re still a nasty-minded nine-year-old. At ninety-two, you’ll still be trying to make women blush.”
Mulenberg said, “I only hope,” and waited while Claudia rose and opened a new bottle of wine. She filled his glass only halfway and then her eyes clouded over. “Excuse me, I’ve got to put the fish in now or we’ll never eat,” she said abruptly and left the room.
Mulenberg muttered, “It looks like Sidney plans to spend the whole night on the phone.”
Ben tried to distract him. “He’ll be along soon, I’m sure. Tell me, Harry. What do you think of all this snow we’ve been having. Do you think spring’ll ever come?”
Mulenberg made a fretful sound. “First of February tomorrow. Spring’ll come. It always does.”
Ben realized that the old man was bored with him. He considered him a good doctor. He often recommended patients to him. But he was always restless and somehow disapproving in his presence. He decided to talk about work instead of the weather. “Thanks for sending me Mrs. Harper,” he began, but Mulenberg interrupted him. “I’m starving. Why don’t you go see if you can get Sidney off the phone. Maybe he doesn’t realize we’re all waiting.”
Ben doubted that but he stood up. “Sure. I’ll see what I can do.”
Sidney was standing next to the bed talking into a salmon-colored princess phone. Across the center of it he had long ago, on the eve of a party, placed a strip of adhesive tape, obliterating his number. Ben had questioned him about it and Sidney had explained, “Just because I invite someone to a party at my house doesn’t mean I want them to know my home phone number.” Now he was cupping his hand around the mouthpiece as if Ben too had invaded his privacy. Ben backed away, hearing Sidney in an angry tone saying, “No, I don’t believe it! No, it’s not possible!” but Sidney gestured to him to wait and, resuming his conversation in a lower voice, finally said, “Okay, okay, I’ll look into it. I’ll send someone down.”
“Anything wrong?” Ben asked when Sidney hung up. “You were in here so long.”
“It’s nothing,” Sidney said, but he sounded singularly on edge. “Just one of my researchers kicking up his heels. A real jerk.”
“Speaking of kicking, Mulenberg’s out there claiming you’re starving him to death.”
Sidney made a face. “Remember when he used to keep us waiting?”
“Yes, but he’s different these days. I feel sorry for him.”
“Are you saying I don’t?” Sidney asked in a sharp staccato voice.
“Of course not,” Ben said, startled. He felt like leaving the room and slamming the door with a thud.
Over dinner, Mulenberg wanted to know about Sidney’s new birth control pill. “I understand it eliminates menstruation altogether,” he said, chewing.
“That’s true,” Sidney nodded, but Ben could see that he was still unusually tense.
“Do you actually think women would tolerate that?”
“I wouldn’t mind,” Claudia said. “Think of the mess. The bother.”
“You don’t count,” Mulenberg said. “You’d go for whatever Sidney tried.”
“That’s not so.”
“Yes, it is, my dear. You and Ben both. But tell me, Sid, what kinds of side effects are you getting?”
Sidney answered slowly, sipping wine. “Mild nausea. Edema in some women.”
“I understood,” Mulenberg said between bites, “that the animal tests weren’t altogether successful.”
“There were problems. But they overdosed. They often do with animals.”
“Nothing new in that,” Mulenberg commented. “Still, are you sure you’re really ready to start large-scale domestic testing? I understand you’ve applied to the Deutsch Foundation to start testing here in the States this summer.”
“Of course we’re ready.” Impatiently, Sidney directed Claudia to fill his glass and swallowed the golden liquid down thirstily. “I wouldn’t have asked for the grant otherwise. And it’s none too soon. We’ve got a world teetering on the edge of self-destruction through overpopulation. How long can we afford to wait without finding a solution?”
“Bullshit. We’ve already got some good solutions.”
“But none as effective and easy to use as this one.”
Mulenberg squinted at Sidney. “You really believe in it, don’t you? You’re a man with a mission.”
“For God’s sake, Harry,” Sidney exploded. “Just because you ended up a clinician, you don’t have to go around trying to keep me one!”
Claudia said, “Please, Sidney,” her pale porcelain skin turning an infinitesimal shade lighter.
“Stay out of it,” Sidney warned her. “This is between me and Harry. He keeps needling me.”
“Sidney feels you haven’t exactly supported him in this endeavor,” Claudia interposed, still trying to make peace.
“I don’t need an interpreter!” Sidney shouted.
Mulenberg set down his utensils noisily. “There’s no talking to you anymore, Sid. You’re so bent on the Nobel Prize you won’t even answer questions.”
“I don’t have to listen to this!” Sidney pushed his chair away from the table and stalked into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry,” Claudia apologized to Mulenberg and, rising, hastily followed Sidney.
“He’s impossible,” Mulenberg growled to Ben as soon as Claudia was gone. “Always was, but he’s getting worse.”
Ben kept a loyal silence, staring down into his wineglass.
Mulenberg shook his head and drew a packet of cigars out of his pocket. “Want one?” Ben nodded, and the two of them smoked, not talking, but noisily filling the silence by puffing on their cigars. After a while, Ben felt himself growing sleepy again. The stuffy air was oppressive and he had to force himself to stay awake by trying to concentrate on the sounds of his brother and sister-in-law in the kitchen, their voices raised but the words indistinct, muffled by the closed swinging door and the noise of water running hard and plates clinking. And then suddenly, just as Mulenberg emitted a perfect smoke ring, Ben thought he heard a cry from the kitchen, a high-pitched catlike sound of pain.
He sat forward. Mulenberg too must have heard the sound for he seemed to start to rise from his chair and only then remember his stroke-wounded leg and sink back, scowling. Then the water stopped running and Ben relaxed, convinced that what they had heard was the mechanical shriek of a faucet turned too far.
Sidney and Claudia came in only moments afterward, Sidney with a coffee pot, Claudia carrying a fluted white bowl of chocolate soufflé. “Anyone for dessert?” she said brightly. Ben said, “Great idea,” and Mulenberg too nodded enthusiastically, trying to rescue the evening. Claudia came around the table and set the bowl down between her place and Ben’s and he saw a small red patch of skin just above her wrist on the inside of her arm. She saw him looking and pulled her hand away.
“Burn?” he asked.
“I had the hot water on too strong.”
“She’s careless in the kitchen,” Sidney said. “Too cocky.”
After Mulenberg called his driver and left, Claudia finally told Ben her news. “I’m pregnant,” she said quietly, while Sidney busied himself pouring a cognac. “We wanted you to be the first to know.”
Ben glanced at Claudia with guarded eyes and couldn’t, at first, trust himself to speak. Jealousy welled up in him like an acid, spreading from his stomach to the back of his throat. He envied not only Claudia and Sidney their child, but the unborn child its parentage. But he was psychologically sophisticated, and used to his despairing jealousies whenever other people’s lives seemed richer than his own. “I’m glad,” he finally managed to say to them. “How wonderful. How terrific for you.”
Once the words were out of his mouth, he was even able to give Claudia a hug and to act, if not feel, as if he were indeed pleased for her and Sidney. Acts were what counted, he reminded himself. Everyone had angry, infantile thoughts, and such thoughts were harmless as long as they were never accompanied by harmful acts or words.
“You needn’t feel left out,” Claudia rewarded his congratulations by saying. “We’d like you to be the doctor. That is, if you’ll take the case.”
Ben let go of her and stepped back, amazed. He had thought Sidney, with his penchant for excellence, would have chosen someone far more distinguished than himself. Martin Stearns, perhaps, or even their department chief, Thomas Alithorn. “Surely Stearns would be a better choice,” he began, pleased at being offered a role in the birth of his nephew or niece, but puzzled by it nevertheless. “Or Alithorn. Can’t you get him, Sid? He still takes some maternity cases, doesn’t he?”
Sidney said emphatically, “Cut it out. You’re the man we want.” Then he added teasingly, “Besides, your flaws I know. Better the known than the unknown.”
Ben grimaced. He wanted to be sure they really wanted him. “What about you, Claudia?” he asked. “How do you feel about having me as the doctor?”
“She feels fine about it,” Sidney said gruffly. “Now forget it. It’s settled.” He stood up, swallowing the last of his cognac, and went to the teak bar in the corner of the room to pour himself another. “The truth is,” he added, his back turned, “I like the idea of keeping it in the family.”
Claudia pursed her lips, started to say something, and then thought better of it. “You want a brandy?” Sidney asked, turning and gesticulating with the bottle. Both Ben and Claudia shook their heads and Sidney sat back down on the couch, the bottle still in one hand, his brandy snifter in the other. “Come,” Claudia said, suddenly taking Ben’s arm. “I want to show you something. A present I got.”
She held him and began leading him rapidly through the dining room and the kitchen, heading for the unused maid’s room in the back of the apartment. “Don’t mind Sidney,” she said as they passed through the darkened corridor. “He’s had a lot to drink tonight. It makes him jumpy.”
He felt grateful for her concern and remembered that at the time Sidney had married her he had also gone through a turbulent period, replete with fears of loss and abandonment. But his fears had proved foolish. If anything Claudia, with her meticulous manners, had brought him and Sidney into even greater contact than they had had before the wedding, had ritualized their meetings by organizing a wealth of family dinners and celebrations.
It made him feel better about the baby. He would bring it into the world and would share in its world. All would be as it had been before. Reassured, he said to Claudia, “Thanks. Thanks for worrying about me.” Claudia’s politeness usually struck him as superficial and automatic rather than sincere. But he had to admit that she was going out of her way to be kind to him tonight.