Finding Your Way When Your Spouse Dies
Second Edition
Edited by Silas Henderson, O.S.B.
Abbey Press
St. Meinrad, IN 47577
All rights reserved, including without limitation the right to reproduce this ebook or any portion thereof in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2013 Abbey Press
ISBN: 978-1-4976-7862-0
Abbey Press Publications
1 Hill Drive
St. Meinrad, Indiana 47577
www.abbeypress.com
Distributed by Open Road Distribution
345 Hudson Street
New York, NY 10014
www.openroadmedia.com
Introduction
from the original edition
We have published over the years hundreds of “CareNotes” booklets on many topics, some very specific and some quite general. The common themes are: illness, distress, grief, suffering. But one theme—the death of a spouse—is consistently most in “demand.”
Losing one’s partner, one’s soul mate, one’s spouse, “demands,” after all, the greatest inner strength one can apply. And it requires the help and wisdom of fellow grief-travelers such as you will find in the five sections of this booklet.
“I knew my life would never be the same again,” wrote a friend and co-worker to me after the death of her spouse. “But I didn’t know that it could somehow, someway, still be OK.” May this booklet be a helpful guide on your way back, somehow, to OK-ness.
—Linus Mundy,
Creator of CareNotes
Contents
I. Getting Through the First Weeks After the Funeral
II. Finding Your Way After the Death of a Spouse
III. Taking the Time You Need to Grieve Your Loss
IV. “Cleaning Out the Closet”—When the Reality of Loss Hits You
V. Why We Need to Tell the Story of the One We Lost
CHAPTER I
Getting Through the First
Weeks After the Funeral
By Herbert Weber
My sisters and brothers and I met at the house the day after Mom’s funeral. With both Mom and Dad now gone, we needed to clean the house and sort through personal items before everyone returned home to various parts of the country. Soon we would need to deal with the selling of the house and the settling of the estate as well.
Emotions were charged. Half an hour into the work of cleaning and sorting, one of the family members broke down in tears. The complaint was made that this was all going too fast. Mom’s possessions should not be disposed of so quickly. Others agreed, but pointed out that “the work had to be done.” Tensions started to rise.
Finally, someone suggested going to a local restaurant for an early lunch. There, in a different setting, we decided to discontinue the chores for two weeks. Meanwhile, we agreed to stay in touch with each other in the days ahead.
Working your way through
For many people, the first weeks and months following the funeral of a loved one are more difficult than the funeral home visitation or the funeral service. Friends and supporters have gone home. Life gets back to normal rather quickly for everyone else. For the immediate family, however, the grieving has just started.
If you find yourself caught between grief and obligations during the first messy weeks and months after your loss, perhaps the following suggestions will help.
Forget “normal” for awhile. I learned from my own recent experience that the death of a loved one can bring much additional work to the survivors. Affairs often need to be settled quickly and efficiently. At the same time, grief is demanding attention and the realization of deep and permanent change is just settling in. In addition, family members grieve in different and sometimes surprising ways. Tensions and misunderstandings often arise. This demands a good deal of toleration on the part of the survivors.
Many folks put unreasonable pressure on themselves, caused by the expectation that they should somehow be freed from the pain of what has happened, that life should return to normal rather quickly. When this doesn’t happen, they feel shame, as if something is wrong with them. But nothing is wrong except the expectation that life should be normal again so quickly.
Work through the “messy” details with patience.