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“As a retired Los Angeles Superior Court Judge and family law mediator, who has handled literally hundreds of cases involving the sale of the family residence, I know that next to custodial issues with children, no other issue in divorce is fraught with as much tension, misunderstanding, and anger as the sale of the family residence. This book is a must read for all attorneys handling family home sales and should be given to all family law litigants.”

“Laurel Starks has written an informative book on a subject that often gets ignored—until it hits hard: selling the family home in a divorce. In her book Divorcing the House, she does a complete walk-through of the unique issues involved in selling a house at one of the worst times in a person’s life, including: whether to sell, how to deal with the kids, the mortgage, a highconflict divorce, the proceeds of sale (if any), on up to what a judge might do in court. Yet she recognizes the emotional elements and adds a lot of personal encouraging comments. It’s also sprinkled with dozens of examples from her wide experience with many upset couples as a real estate agent specializing in divorce home sales. This book has been needed for quite a while. It will fill a gap for spouses who feel overwhelmed and in need of clear and simple advice from an expert who understands.”

“This book is a must read for anyone facing divorce and professionals who represent them. Laurel Starks has done her homework and has unprecedented experience in the field of divorce real estate. Divorcing the House provides great insight into family dynamics, and unlike any other book I have seen, it addresses a deeply fundamental issue: the children’s concerns when leaving their home as a result of a divorce. The practical advice in these pages is invaluable.”

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information about the subject matters covered. It is sold with the understanding that neither the author nor the publisher are rendering legal, mental health, medical, or other professional services, either directly or indirectly. If expert assistance, legal services, or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising as a consequence of your use or application of any information or suggestions in this book.

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No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, scanned, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, or distributed in any printed or electronic form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.

In addition to the emotional impact of losing both the dream and reality of an intact family (regardless of how dysfunctional), many divorcing couples face the reality that they no longer can live in the home they found, improved with their creativity and sweat, sacrificed to pay for, established bonds with their neighbors, live within a cherished school district, and planned to live in it until retirement or until it could be sold at the right time to fund other needs and desires.

When people separate, many fear the loss of their house/home and that fear can fuel aggressive actions that can harm everyone in the family.

Most people going through a divorce know that they need to learn more about law from lawyers, parenting from therapists, and finances from accountants and financial advisors. With this book, Laurel Starks provides focused information about how to reduce harmful conflict and maximize life choices by learning more about most family’s most valuable asset: the family home.

Laurel has earned the right to author this book. A successful real estate broker with a trained caring staff aligned with a successful national franchise, Laurel is far more than a salesperson trying to earn a commission. Trained in mediation (she excelled in both my basic and advanced mediation courses) and collaborative practice, Laurel has written this book to give divorcing parties the information and insight they need to navigate decisions about their home. Some examples include:

From a market-based perspective, how do you make a decision to sell, buy out a spouse’s interest, or own a house jointly?

How do handle the biggest debt in your life—your current mortgage—and how can you get financing to stay in the housing market?

What can you expect to be deducted from your proceeds in escrow, if you do decide to sell? (Laurel lists thirteen types of deductions made from the sales price.)

And much, much more…

Although I have been practicing law for over forty-two years, I found new insights and information on almost every page of this book. While reading this book has enhanced my ability to advise my clients regarding their home decisions, I will still recommend that they read Divorcing the House themselves and align themselves with a real estate professional such as Laurel Starks.

There is a moment in the life of anyone getting a divorce when reality hits home: This is really happening. I’m getting divorced. Whether you’re the one who initiated the breakup or the one on the receiving end, you’ll eventually face this, and it can happen anytime during the process. For some, it’s a jolt of the highest magnitude; for others it’s something that’s been building for a long time, and may even come as a welcome release. You may be glad your marriage is finally over, but you’ll still feel the impact of that moment. It will be important then to keep your perspective: You will get through it—and if you make the right choices, you will be okay.

I got my first glimpse of this early in my career as a real estate agent. By chance, one of my very first listings was a divorce case. Some local attorneys had asked me to put a home on the market for a divorcing couple. Like many splits, this one was messy: Greg had been an abusive husband during the couple’s fourteen years together, but Sarah had stayed with him—right up to the point where he moved out to be with his new girlfriend.

Greg’s choices made their divorce inevitable, and by the time I entered the picture it was basically a done deal. Being a new agent, I was excited to have a listing, and so I put all my energy into marketing the house. Within a few days we received an offer. I was proud of myself and knew the attorneys would be relieved. I called Sarah to tell her the good news. Instead of relief or joy, her response was…silence. Then she began to weep. Soon she was sobbing uncontrollably over the phone.

I was stunned. And for the first time I realized the depth of the tragedy I was dealing with. This woman’s life was disintegrating before her eyes. With my phone call, reality came crashing down on her like a tidal wave.

That was a pivotal event in my career, and my life. As an agent who now specializes in divorce sales, I’ve handled hundreds of such cases since then. Yet, that early experience taught me to be much more sensitive to how these events affect real people. Much of my business comes from family law professionals who call me when a couple is splitting and their home needs to be sold. By that time the divorce is usually a foregone conclusion, but as with Sarah, it can take a while for the parties to absorb its full impact. And that is true even for the person who initiates the divorce.

At least three processes are occurring simultaneously during a divorce: a legal process, a real estate process, and an emotional process. All three are new to most people, and in a divorce they’re all happening at the same time. It’s easy to see why the experience is so wrenching. Legal matters are always daunting for the layperson; few of us go to court more than a couple of times in our lives, and virtually nobody enjoys the experience. The process of selling a home may be slightly more familiar, but it is still stressful in the best of circumstances. And ending a relationship through divorce is usually new terrain, accompanied by its own riot of emotions. Together, these ingredients can make for an overwhelmingly traumatic experience.

The situation becomes more complex when one partner is far along in the emotional process but the other is still trying to make sense of it all. By the time divorce rears its head, the initiating party may have already worked through the emotions of separation, while the other party might think everything can still work out. Joyce Tessier is a collaborative divorce coach and a marriage and family therapist in Southern California. Here’s how she describes the disconnect that sometimes occurs between divorcing spouses:

There’s always a difference in pacing. There’s one person that shows up and has been dealing with this for months, and they’re emotionally ready. And the other guy’s going, “What? You want a divorce?” Now, you’re talking about two processes that are not parallel; you’ve got one who’s ahead of the game and they’re pushing for what’s the next thing that’s going to happen, and they’re so focused on getting out of the marriage that there’s not enough time for them to be in the process itself.

That process forces changes in people. And if one person is resisting it, tension can result. Tessier elaborates: “The process itself—the time—changes them…dealing with the facts, and the emotions…then you’ve got the other one at the starting gate, grieving because it wasn’t their decision.”

Often the emotional side of the process drives the other two. In their bitterness, people may seek to win at any cost. The ensuing power struggles can cloud their vision and lead to bad decisions. The house becomes a trophy that both sides strive to keep, even when selling it would lead to the best outcome for everyone.

In a different way, the emotional process sometimes lags behind the others. Once the machinery of divorce is set in motion, it takes on a momentum of its own. The spouses separate, hire lawyers, and then mechanically follow the directions they’re given by attorneys or judges. So, the process hurtles forward, though both may secretly believe that it’s all going to go away and things will return to normal. Nevertheless, eventually they find themselves standing before a family law judge, who will make decisions that affect the rest of their lives. At this point, many people are seized with anguish or panic when they realize what’s happening to them.

For people who don’t encounter it every day, the legal environment can seem strange, foreign, and fraught with nasty surprises. I’m fortunate to be part of a network of professionals who have unique insight into that world. This group includes attorneys, judges, mediators, therapists, loan officers, and credit experts among others. To provide a complete picture of what you could be facing, I’ve included insights from these professionals in this book. One of those experts is Pamela Edwards-Swift, an attorney and certified family law specialist who practices in Southern California. She is deeply familiar with the misconceptions that people often bring to the divorce process. One example: Many don’t understand that when a divorce is filed, the court immediately assumes broad control over all jointly held assets. In legal parlance, these are collectively referred to as the community—a term that encompasses everything pertaining to the marriage. But the court’s control doesn’t end there. Some divorcing spouses are surprised to find that all their assets have been frozen—even those not related to the marriage in any way. Edwards-Swift explains:

What they don’t know is that they [the courts] also have jurisdiction over separate property assets. For instance, when a petition is filed there are automatic temporary restraining orders that prevent a party from selling or disposing of not just community property, but also separate property. So, they’re thinking, Well, it’s mine; I had it before marriage, so therefore I can do whatever I want with it. And that’s not true.

As Edwards-Swift notes, those separate assets may be needed to pay reimbursements ordered by the court. Or, the non-owner spouse may have an indirect interest:

Maybe you have somebody that owned a home before they got married and they’ve never changed the character of that; it’s still their separate property residence. Well, because the community has made mortgage payments on that house, the community does have an interest. It may not be a large interest, but they do have some interest.

The court can also order a couple’s house to be sold whether both spouses want it or not. That typically happens in the trial phase of a divorce, but it can occur beforehand under pressing circumstances—such as when the house is facing foreclosure.

If you have already worked through the emotional issues of your breakup, you may be anxious to get it over with, and selling the house is the last piece of that puzzle. But for others, facing the imminent sale of the family home can be a sobering experience. It’s then that they realize what they’re losing, and some remain in denial right up to the last moment. The judge has ordered a sale; the house is in escrow; and they need to move out by next Friday—but they’re still hanging on. They can’t accept that it’s over and they must begin building a new life; they’re simply not ready yet. All the mundane tasks they must now undertake become fraught with emotion: finding a place to rent, having the utilities turned on in their own name, opening new bank accounts, applying for credit cards as a newly single person. It’s a disorienting process under the best of circumstances. In the wake of a life-changing upheaval such as divorce, it can be crushing.

When a home is being sold, it’s not just a physical structure that’s at stake, or even the money it represents. A home is the brick and mortar of a family’s life. It’s where dreams are born—and children, too. It’s where the kids grew up, and the proud parents marked their growth on the doorjambs. It’s where the Christmas tree went up every year, and family gatherings took place. Most couples remember that happy day when they bought their home, whether it was a move-up purchase or a first-time venture. It was a mark of achievement that symbolized the family’s future together. They had worked and saved, and that home was the fruit of their efforts. It contained their hopes, their aspirations, their life. And now, suddenly, it’s all gone. In my experience, everyone underestimates the impact that loss will have on them.

Of course, a house can also be a reminder of painful memories: It might be where the fights occurred—or an affair. For most people the thought of home stirs up a mix of positive and negative emotions. Yet, even in the worst cases, most people aren’t prepared to see it all taken away in an instant. As the process grinds on, they’re often distracted by the flurry of external events, and they repress the deep changes that are occurring inside them. When their emotions finally catch up to reality, the experience can be overwhelming. I often witness this as the person designated to handle the sale of the property. Sometimes the gravity of it all hits when they make that first phone call or sit down with me in the office. It’s not uncommon for people to call me and say, “I’ve had your number for months, but it’s taken me till now to call you.” I understand their reluctance; it’s a big step to acknowledge that a marriage is ending and then to begin taking action. For others, the moment comes when the sale is done and we’re ready to close escrow. They might have been totally cooperative throughout the process, but when it’s time to sign the final paperwork, they freeze.

For Maggie, the reality hit her one day as she was driving her two kids home from school. She had had a beautiful home and a storybook marriage. Then suddenly, her husband decided he didn’t want to be a family man after all. The kids knew that Dad had moved out and that their parents were splitting up, but they hadn’t been told that their home was about to be sold. As they rounded the corner and approached the house that day, the kids spotted the for sale sign in the front yard. It was painful and jarring—not only for the children, but for Maggie as well. Suddenly she realized that she really was going to be moving.

None of it was a surprise to her, of course. She was involved in putting the house on the market and knew what was coming, but it hadn’t seemed real to her until just then. She immediately got on the phone and insisted that we put the brakes on everything. She needed a little time to regroup. Her reaction was one my colleagues and I were all too familiar with. We approached Maggie’s crisis with respect and compassion, and helped her get back on track.

Divorcing spouses sometimes experience second thoughts at some point in the process, even when they’re the ones who initiated the split. Maybe, after eyeing the grass on the other side of the fence for years, they finally jumped over—and found out it wasn’t so green. In other cases, they’re not quite sure they really want to sever the cord forever; they’d like to keep their options open.