Betrayal Proofing Your Relationship: What couples need to know and do
Copyright © 2011 by Holli Kenley. All Rights Reserved.
Learn more about the author at www.HolliKenley.com
eISBN: 978-1-61599-122-8
Published by
Loving Healing Press
5145 Pontiac Trail
Ann Arbor, MI 48105
Fax 734-663-6861
Tollfree (USA/CAN) 888-761-6268
London, England 44-20-331-81304
www.LovingHealing.com
info@LovingHealing.com
Introduction
When a couple enters therapy, usually the relationship has been eroding over a lengthy period of time. Sometimes, one partner is oblivious to the disillusionment and detachment of the other; at other times, both are aware of the tension and division that persists between them. Whatever the perceptions are, when one partner betrays the other by stepping outside the relationship or engaging in any destructive behavior, the union understandably reaches a breaking point.
Couples tend to be singularly focused on the crises at hand, and indeed, it is critical to deal with the presenting betrayal and its impact on the injured party as well as on the couple. However, it is also vital to examine the dynamics, patterns of behavior, and roles of the relationship, especially if both partners desire to work toward healing and reconciliation. Although a great many books address how to maintain healthy relationships, for the purpose of this article and the ensuing articles in this series, we will break down the discussion into a series of topics which will address three problematic areas. Within those three areas, we will identify maladaptive behaviors and roles that contribute to the erosion, breakdown, and eventual betrayal within a partnership. And, with the goal of betrayal-proofing our relationships, we will examine some strategies to rebuild the foundation, to strengthen the structure, and to embrace healthier ways of being and interacting.
These three areas are Communication, Anger, and Role Issues.
Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1 – Communication
1. Schedule time to talk.
2. Communicate what each of you needs from the talk.
3. Incorporate a reflective listening pattern of communication using the “feel, why, and need” exercise.
4. Use daily “check-ins” to keep short accounts.
Chapter 2 – Anger
Why do I get angry?
Choosing Alternative Behaviors or Self- Interventions
Couple Intervention
Interventions to improve the relationship
Counseling and Anger Management
Chapter 3 – Role Issues
Performance-Driven versus Relationship-Driven Roles
Solution-Oriented versus Process-Oriented Roles
Assisting with role differences
About the Author
Bibliography