Radical
Awakenin
Amoda Maa is a contemporary spiritual teacher and author. Her teaching arises out of direct experience of awakened awareness and emanates the untamable fragrance of freedom whilst radically embracing the mystery and mess of human existence. In 2012, Amoda started speaking from silence in small gatherings in the UK. Today, she offers meetings and retreats to a growing global community.
Amoda Maa
Radical
Awakening
Discovering the Radiance
of Being in the Midst of
Everyday Life
This edition first published in the UK and USA in 2016 by Watkins, an imprint of Watkins Media Limited
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A revised and updated edition of How to Find God in Everything, first published by Duncan Baird Publishers in 2008.
Design and typography copyright © Watkins Media Limited 2016 Text copyright © Amoda Maa Jeevan 2008, 2016
Amoda Maa Jeevan has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
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ISBN: 978-1-78028-900-7
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CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
PREFACE to New Edition
INTRODUCTION Radical Awakening
PART I Finding God in Everything
Chapter 1 The Call to Embrace Life
Chapter 2 A Deeper Dimension of Being
PART II Awakening in the Midst of Everyday Life
Chapter 3 Embodying the Divine
Chapter 4 Entering the Now
Chapter 5 Discovering Who You Really Are
Chapter 6 Beholding the Beloved
Chapter 7 Fulfilling Your Divine Destiny
Chapter 8 Loving the Earth
Chapter 9 Dying into God
AFTERWORD Remembering Who We Are
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This book has taken a long time to gestate - and an even longer time to write. Along the way, there have been a number of people who have supported me, inspired me and been instrumental in my evolution both as a writer and as an authentic human being.
Those who have assisted directly include Julia McCutchen, whose initial enthusiasm fanned the flames of possibility and whose sensitive feedback and gentle advice have been invaluable, as well as my editor Michael Mann, whose vision and conviction for this project propelled it into action. I am also grateful to the team at Watkins for their behind-the-scenes work.
Those who have been a part of the process indirectly include - on the earthly plane - Richard Rudd whose “gene keys” revelations many years ago came like a thunderbolt from the heavens and aligned me to my true purpose, and Drs Pankaj and Smita Naram at Ayushakti Ayurvedic Clinic in Mumbai, whose expertise and loving care rejuvenated my body, mind and soul and helped me see the world with fresh eyes. On the spiritual plane, I am eternally grateful to Ramana Maharshi, whose vibration of Truth penetrated deep into my being, stripped me of what was false and catapulted me into a new phase of life, and to Osho whose ever-present Love continues to burn bright in my heart.
I’d also like to thank all those who’ve attended my classes, workshops and retreats during the years of ecstatic dancing, shaking, breathing, screaming, crying, laughing and surrendering to deep stillness. I am truly blessed by both the sublime and the crazy times we have shared! And I thank each and every one of you for your patience whilst I - and my work - have gone through countless transformations. Even though we no longer meet in this way, something new has been born out of the ashes … and each of you has a special place in my heart.
Last, but certainly not least, there are not enough words to thank the two most important people in my life, both of whom have contributed to my growth in very different ways. These are my mother, who unceasingly loves me, and Kavi Jezzie Hockaday, my beloved, my creative partner and my true friend.
PREFACE TO NEW EDITION
It has been almost ten years since this book was written and published as a first edition. During that time much has changed in my life. The initial bud of awakening has matured into the flower of awakeness; what was experienced as a surprising release of self-identity from the knot of ego is now lived as a gentle river of grace in the midst of everyday life.
In the years it took for the bud to become a flower, there has been an ongoing purification. Although there had been many years prior to awakening in which I immersed myself in therapy, bodywork, meditation practices and other psycho-spiritual tools in order to unravel my complex story and heal some of the traumas, there still remained defensive layers of ego-protection. In the glaring light of unconditioned awareness that revealed itself in awakening, these more subtle mental and emotional contractions eventually dissolved. And out of this fire of truth - and after a long period of simply waiting - has emerged my role as a spiritual teacher.
It has been a delicate emergence, a fresh and innocent openness without fixation on outcome, allowing life’s intelligence to inform my actions. At first, just a handful of people came to the meetings in which I offered silent meditation and brief discourses that arose out of that silence. Gradually, more and more people gathered, and today I travel to many parts of the world offering my work. In response to both the deepening of my own inner experience and to the depth of inquiry that happens in these gatherings, the expression of my teaching has evolved.
When the first edition of this book - entitled How to Find God in Everything - sold out its entire print run a couple of years ago, it was clear that a new edition was required. This was an opportunity not only to publish a paperback version, but also to make a few adjustments to bring the book into alignment with my teaching today. In order to preserve the authenticity of its original message, not many changes have been made. The most substantial change has been a revised Introduction, in which I speak more about radical awakening in the midst of ordinary life and in the midst of a rapidly changing world. I also speak more about how this radical awakening appeared in my life. Although today I rarely mention the mystical vision I received in 2002, I have kept this in the Introduction as it was a crucial part of my journey, as well as being the catalyst for writing the first edition of this book. But here - in this new edition - I also include what happened shortly after the vision; because, in retrospect, I can see that it was within this second experience that all constructs of duality (including “me” as a separate self) died to reveal the ever-present radiance of Being that is my natural state.
Also, today I rarely use the word “God”: it is a word burdened with cultural and religious conditioning and its deeper meaning is almost always missed by the Western mind. I now prefer to speak of being-ness, presence, or silence. Depending on the context, I also refer to this primary state of consciousness as unconditioned or nondual awareness, or simply as awakeness. Here in this new edition, I use “God” interchangeably with these terms, so as to give more expression to that which is essentially inexpressible. And some of the sentences have been revised to soften the heavy emphasis on “God” and allow a more spacious view of the deeper dimension of Being that is really what this book is about.
But I have not completely thrown out the “God” word; this is partly to keep the integrity and continuity of writing, but mostly because the original title of the first edition of this book (How to Find God in Everything’) was inspired by a beautiful saying from the Indian mystic Rabindranath Tagore: “In order to find God, you must welcome everything.” This simple statement contains the essence of my teaching. It’s in saying a wholehearted yes to the unfoldment of each moment - in all its horror, agony or ecstasy - that we discover what is truly here beneath and beyond all stories. And this discovery takes us all the way home to our true nature as that which exists prior to all manifestations. In other words, we come home to God.
Other revisions for this new edition include some gentle changes to the text here and there, a rephrasing of the personal stories I share from where I stand today, an “upgraded” Afterword, and some adjustments to the chapter titles.
As you read this book, may the words speak to your deepest knowing of truth, and may the silence from which these words are offered touch the radiant core of your being.
Namaste.
Amoda Maa, July 2015
INTRODUCTION
Radical
Awakenin
The Urgency for Awakening Today
There’s an urgency today to evolve beyond an ego-centered perspective in which we experience ourselves as separate from each other, from the world and from life. The archaic “fight or flight” mechanism hard-wired into survival of the species no longer serves us. Something new is required and an increasing number of people are searching for a different way of being.
It’s obvious that the world is in crisis. Every day we’re bombarded by news of escalating violence, corruption, war and terrorism. Political, economic and environmental climates are becoming increasingly unstable. And for the first time in recorded history the threat of total planetary annihilation looms on the horizon. And yet, amidst all this chaos lies the possibility for a revolution in consciousness and the potential for radically transforming our world.
The possibility for transformation is offered to us now: right here in this very moment, and not at some future time. We can no longer wait for politicians to stop bickering, for environmentalists to think of a solution or for world leaders to save us. We need to stop believing that someone else has the answer and actually become the change we want to see. When we stop looking outside ourselves for something to make us feel better, safer, stronger, richer or happier, and instead open to the deepest knowing in our hearts, we realize our essential nature and change our reality. We may spend a lifetime (or even lifetimes) searching for a perfect world, but the kingdom of Heaven lies within: what we seek is what we are. And this realization is available to us right here, in the midst of the darkness of the world.
The stark naked truth is that each and every one of us is a manifestation of the light of the divine: each of us is the perfection of this moment. When we see the divine in everyone - despite appearances - all separation dissolves. When we see beyond gender, race, religion, class, wealth, job-title or any other label, all boundaries evaporate. Certainly it’s extremely challenging to see this when the other appears as terrorist or murderer, or when calamity arrives on our own doorstep, or when our whole life comes crashing down. But this is the depth of transformation called for in waking up out of the dream of separation.
Only a shift to a wholistic perspective, in which we are at one with the divine essence that gives birth to all forms, has the potential to put an end to suffering - for each of us as individuals and for humanity as a whole. And for this, we need to be willing to see through the eyes of oneness.
Discovering the Radiance of Being
It was the willingness to open my heart to everything -including the darkness of suffering - that allowed the radiant luminosity of Being to reveal itself in my life. It was a radical awakening which changed everything from the inside out. In the beginning, it stripped me bare of any structures in my inner and outer world that did not serve this awakened consciousness. Psychological defenses were seen through and collapsed, relationships and friendships based on co-dependency dissolved, and mental distractions simply stopped. At the same time, a deeper purpose to the creative flow of my “work” in the world revealed itself, and any action not in alignment with this new purpose rapidly fell away. Later on, this radical awakening gave birth to this book and to my teaching.
It all happened unexpectedly in the midst of my everyday life whilst living in the busy metropolis of London. I wasn’t looking for enlightenment or liberation or even happiness; the search had stopped a long time ago. But life had brought me to the edge of an inner barren landscape, an existential void that threatened to engulf me in its darkness. I recognized this as something that had haunted me as an adolescent and young adult but had invested a lot of energy in avoiding. This time, I seem to have had no choice but to stop running away and turn towards it. It happened in two parts (within a few weeks of each other, although I didn’t really connect the two experiences until much later). The first part came as a visionary experience that spoke to me personally and also gave me the keys to the transformation of humanity’s suffering.
In this vision, I am walking through the Valley of Death, a landscape so barren it is devoid of all hope. Surrounded by hungry ghosts and tortured souls, a cold darkness creeps into my veins and my body feels heavy with the suffering of all humankind. All I want to do is lie down and die. As the flame of life flickers one last time in the center of my heart, I look skywards as if to say: “Thank you for my life so far, now it is time to go.” But just as I am about to shut my eyes forever more, I see a faint glow in the distance ... like a dream of a brighter future. But this is no dream: my eyes are wide open. Rooted to the spot, I watch in disbelief as the light spreads before me like a carpet. I summon all my strength and prepare to wearily climb the golden steps that appear in front of me. I am amazed how light I feel. “I have died and gone to Heaven!” I shout. But the steps are real and I have to keep climbing without looking back. With each footstep I become increasingly humbled by this state of grace, for I have become a Child of God.
When I arrive at the top and stand at my Father’s feet, I am innocent and naked as a baby. There is nothing to hide. I climb into His lap in such a state of humility and surrender that I am ready to die once more for this love, to sleep sweetly in His arms forever. But no sooner do I lay down my head than I merge with Him completely. And in doing so, I achieve the Sacred Union in which I am Him. And in that same instant, I am also His Consort, the Holy Mother who sits by His side. From my womb springs a Golden Child and from my breasts flows the Milk of Human Kindness that creates an eternal river to ease humanity’s suffering. And, in time, the Valley of Death becomes the Land of Milk and Honey ... a true Paradise here on Earth.
What this vision says is that the journey of transformation means becoming naked. If we want to move towards the light, we need to stop hiding behind the mask of ego and become as little children, ready to bare ourselves completely. Walking on our path through life with the innocence of an open heart is the only way to transform our suffering. And this means steadfastly taking one step at a time. It’s something we need to do as a day-to-day, moment-to-moment practice. It’s not easy, because fear pulls us back. It requires us to stay resolutely present without looking backwards or forwards. What this means is that we neither give in to being a victim of the past nor do we grasp for some imaginary goal in the future. Ultimately, it means sacrificing our ego on the altar of God.
God is that which is bigger than us, the Great Mystery, the One That Is All. The reward when we totally surrender to God is the unlocking of the spiritual power of our dormant masculine and feminine energies. This is the alchemical marriage of the Father and the Mother from whom we are reborn as the Golden Child. In other words, when we fully embody the depth of our masculine energy and the openness of our feminine energy, the seed of awakening grows within us and we give birth to our essential self. This is the divine spark of infinite creative potential that illuminates us from within. It is something that, again, we need to develop as an on-going practice.
Every moment is an opportunity to awaken to our true identity. And in this remembrance we are made complete. The trinity of Father, Mother and Golden Child is a symbol of both our innate wholeness and our essential holiness. It is the sacred space of oneness within our hearts from which compassion flows freely for all that exists.
This story not only urges us to wake up and become who we really are in order to transform our lives, but it is also a vision of the future. The Valley of Death is both the personal hell-realm of the ego and also the samsara of a world hellbent on destruction. The alchemical marriage of the Father and the Mother is both the integration of our inner male and female and also the healing of the masculine-feminine split we see in man versus woman, intellect versus intuition, science versus mysticism, and religion versus Nature. The Land of Milk and Honey is both the full flowering of our individual creative potential, and also the creation of a new world built on foundations of Love and Truth.
What initially surprised me about this vision - perhaps more than anything else - was the emphasis on God. Like so many of us raised against a backdrop of religious dogma, I banned the word God from my vocabulary a long time ago. It was not until this vision that I came to see God not as some abstract concept but as a direct experience. God is synonymous with life, and the more I open to receive every aspect of Existence in its fullness, the more this moment explodes with vibrant intimacy. My relationship with God is an adventure into love that brings me closer to myself and closer to everyone and everything in my life. That which I have been seeking is what I am, for God is my essential nature. And yours too.
Whilst this visionary experience was profound and had enormous ramifications for my relationship with every aspect of my life, it wasn’t until the second part that the undeniable realization of awakeness was integrated into my cellular being. There was a moment as I was sitting on the couch in my small one-bedroom apartment - which I still remember so vividly today - when an incredible terror arose; it was as if I was absolutely alone in the whole of existence, like a microscopic pinprick of “something” hanging within the infinite vastness of “nothing”. For the briefest of moments, the belief that I had been abandoned by Life/God/ the Creator flashed through my consciousness. And in the same moment, I saw with incredible clarity that this belief had always been with me as the “core wound of separation”. I saw how my mind created defenses, distractions and contortions in order to avoid facing the horror of this abandonment. But instead of turning away by getting up to make a cup of tea or reading a spiritual book (my two most common strategies), I somehow recognized that this time there was no denying the fact that the void of Nothingness was right here in my experience of this moment. And so I chose to give myself to it totally.
The surrender was absolute: I surrendered all fear and all hope, I surrendered all imagination of how things should be and even the idea that my life as I had known it would continue in any way at all. I was 100 percent willing to be extinguished and absorbed into an eternity of unknown emptiness. And so, I fell into the dark abyss of being without a safety net. But to my surprise, this was not the end of it! Not only did “I” dissolve into emptiness but, simultaneously, “I” merged with the totality of Existence. And this was experienced as the fullness of love. It was a psychological death, a liberation of self from the knot of ego.
From that moment on, there was no more story of separation and I was no longer a victim of life. In the torchlight of awake awareness, all that remained was the translucency of Being, an unbounded spaciousness that allowed an ever-deepening unfoldment into inner silence. This silence is today experienced as a nondual awareness that embraces both the mystery and mess of the human experience. It is a radical awakening because it has included everything. Not one vestige of inner division can survive when 100 percent allegiance is given to the fire of truth. The ever-changing nature of life is fully lived and yet the unchanging radiance of Being at the core of all that is experienced is deeply recognized.
God is seen to be in everything.
The Invitation of This Book
This book invites you to welcome every experience in your life as a call to come home to your true nature. It’s an invitation to dive deeper into the mystery of life as it is now, to be unashamedly intimate with this moment.
The choice to embrace every moment - however difficult or painful - transforms the misery of closedness into the miracle of openness. It offers you the opportunity to awaken out of the dream of separation and realize that you are one with life itself. In this realization, all inner division dissolves and you find yourself in the nameless silence of Being that is your essential nature. It’s the divinity at the core of you and at the core of everything. And it’s what is meant by “In order to find God, you must welcome everything” Every interaction you have with every aspect of your life provides a doorway to the discovery of this divinity ... if only you would recognize it.
Part I of this book explores how life itself is a calling from God and how the journey into a deeper inner dimension of Being requires the openness of your heart - or Love - and the depth of your presence - or Truth.
In Part II you are invited to unlock your divine nature using the “golden keys” of Love and Truth in every aspect of your life. When life is viewed from a personal dimension - in other words, when an ego-centered perspective is the “normal” way of seeing things, there’s a veil that shrouds a deeper truth: this is the samsara of a horizontal reality. But when your perspective shifts to the universal realm, the “secret of God” is revealed. As you awaken to Love and Truth, each veil dissolves and you find yourself floating freely in the vertical reality. It’s as if you wake up from a dream and see that God is right here ... exactly where you are!
Each chapter of Part II is dedicated to one specific aspect of life, starting with our relationship to the body. Because it’s so dense and apparently solid, we very often forget that our physical form is a direct doorway to the subtle realms of the divine. The second doorway to God is found by penetrating the nature of mind: it’s by entering the spaces between thoughts and by letting go into the timeless zone of the eternal now that the luminosity of your essential nature is revealed. The third possibility of discovering the radiance of Being is through the self, which includes on a surface level the personality as well as the whole array of our emotions, and on a deeper level the patterns revealed by our soul’s unique journey. And then there is intimate relationship, which is such a potent doorway for transformation in today’s world. It is here, within the struggle of human love, that the blessing of divine love can be realized.
Moving beyond the individual sphere into the collective realm, the remaining chapters explore our relationship to the world, which includes the mass of humanity; the systems created by society such as politics, economics and media; the work we do, creativity and money. Most often we exclude the world from the spiritual search, but there is something very powerful in embracing our relationship to it and seeing the deeper sacred nature of everything. Beyond the world and its human affairs is the world of Nature and the invitation here is to see the divine in all living creatures that run, swim, fly and crawl; all green things that grow towards the light; all mountains, rocks, rivers and seas; as well as the natural elemental forces of sun, wind, water and earth. And finally, the realm of spirit is explored. Hidden behind the dusty veil of religion for thousands of years, this invisible world holds the final key to understanding that God is in everything and everywhere.
Every aspect of life - from the mundane to the transcendent - offers an opportunity for transformation. The traditional spiritual path that considers everyday matters such as health, finances, work, family and relationship to be distractions is no longer relevant. What we need today is a truly wholistic spirituality. What we need is not only a rainbow-colored Universal Love that prays for peace but also a love that is practical. We need a love that cherishes the physical vehicle of our soul because a healthy body is more able to be of service to God and to the world. We need a love that is unafraid of handling money, because global wealth so badly needs redistribution. We need a love that always thinks ahead and starts creating now what future generations will need. In other words, we need love in action.
And neither is it enough to sit silently in the emptiness of Ultimate Truth: we also need a truth that serves our everyday reality. We need a truth that speaks of our innermost feelings, that expresses the full range of emotions, and that has the courage to drop pretences in order to reveal the tenderness of an open heart. What we really need is a truth that bridges the gap between the imperfection of our humanness and the perfection of our God-essence.
I invite you to consider the possibility of a wave of global transformation - a tsunami of love - coming our way. It requires trust that we will be carried to the other shore safe, whole, and complete. The challenge we face is to dive into love even when fear screams at us to run and hide, to open our hearts even in the midst of Hell. We are each being called to give up the small me and become one with the totality of life, to open to a deeper dimension of Being that liberates us from the dream of separation and heals all inner and outer division.
The vision of a brighter future belongs to every one of us. Will you choose to dive in to an as yet unknown discovery, to awaken to who you really are?
My hope is that this book will speak to you. And that you have the courage to make the leap from your head to your heart.
PART I
Finding
God in
Everything
“In order to find God, you must
welcome everything.”
Rabindranath Tagore
Chapter 1
THE CALL TO EMBRACE LIFE
Every experience of your life is a calling from God. Every experience - whether it be pleasurable or painful - is an invitation to embrace the fullness and depth of this moment as it is now. Deep intimacy with this moment offers the promise of liberation. It is an invitation to your true nature.
Beyond appearances, beyond what comes and goes, is the you that does not change: the you that is neither this nor that. but simply is. You cannot find this part of you by looking into the future or by dwelling in the past, because time is an illusion that takes you away from the reality of now. The truth of who you are can only be found in the absolute presence of this moment. In this moment you are whole: there is nothing that can be added or taken away. And, in this moment, you are holy: you are not separate from the sacredness of spirit. You are, in fact, a divine creation of unlimited potential. In this perfect moment you are at one with yourself, at one with life and at one with God. For God is your essential nature. And mine. And everyone else’s too.