Finding Your Way Through Difficult Emotions
Abbey Press
Introduction
Shortly before her capture by the Nazis in 1945, Anne Frank reflected: “Feelings can’t be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.” This simple observation, made by a young woman who lost her life in one of history’s darkest chapters, is taken from Anne’s diary, a book that has come to be known as The Diary of a Young Girl. In it, we hear Anne’s own reflections on life, suffering, hope, fear, and uncertainty about the future. Despite her young age, Anne Frank realized that life is filled with many difficult, often competing emotions, and we have to be willing to confront our negative emotions if we’re going to find true and lasting peace.
Anger. Stress. Resentment and feelings of hurt. Grief. These are all very real emotions that can cast shadows over every facet of our lives, making the path to peace and wholeness almost impossible to discern. We should never underestimate how strong our emotions can be, but we should also recognize that we aren’t powerless when confronting difficult emotions.
In this small volume, we’ve brought together words of wisdom from five gifted writers. It is our hope that this book will be a source of strength, healing, and grace, as you work to navigate your way through the difficult emotions in your life as you move forward in your journey from darkness to light.
—Silas S. Henderson
Contents
I. Dealing With Anger
II. Easing the Burden of Stress
III. Finding a Way to Forgive
IV. Letting Tears Bring Healing and Renewal
V. Finding Peace in the Present Moment
About the Authors
CHAPTER I
Dealing With Anger
By Louisa Rogers
Anger. The very word makes us pause. Yet to be human is to know anger. Anger helps us to defend our rights and protect our freedoms—as individuals and as a society. For all the positive aspects of anger, though, we know only too well the destructive forms it can also take: physical and emotional violence, depression, even illness.
We face the challenge of harnessing the energy of anger without ruining our relationships, our health, and our very lives. To do this, we need to understand what anger is. Many people confuse anger with acts of aggression. But anger is not aggression. Anger is something we feel; aggression is something we do. As an emotion, anger can be expressed in many ways, constructively or destructively.
Working your way through
We can learn to transform our anger from a weapon that wounds ourselves and others to a tool that promotes understanding and healthy change in our relationships.
Identify destructive expressions of anger. In their book, Inner Joy, Dr. Harold Bloomfield and Robert Kory state that the constructive expression of anger has four goals: 1) to communicate feelings of hurt; 2) to change the hurtful situation; 3) to prevent recurrence of the same hurt; and 4) to improve the relationship and increase communication. But many people express anger in ways that do not adhere to these goals:
Passive anger. Some people don’t admit to anger in the first place. They act like martyrs, breeding guilt in those around them. “Oh, don’t worry about me,” a widow might say to her grown children who are considering going out of town for a holiday. “I’ll just eat a TV dinner, and I’m sure I’ll find something to do by myself.”
Aggressive anger. Aggressive anger can be physical: hitting, slamming doors, throwing things; or verbal: yelling, name-calling, attacking below-the-belt, blaming, being sarcastic.
Passive-aggressive anger. Passive-aggressive anger is anger that looks passive on the surface, but is, in fact, aggressive. Expressed in hidden, underhanded ways, passive-aggressive anger causes hurt and humiliation. Jean doesn’t want to cook dinner, but instead of saying so, she manages to “accidentally” burn it. Chronic lateness, overspending, unsafe driving, and other habits that disrupt the lives of other people are often examples of this kind of “I’ll-get-you” anger.
Indirect anger. Indirect anger is anger expressed circuitously—through hinting, placating, or avoiding responsibility. A very common form of indirect anger is the use of “triangles.” Instead of leveling with the person we’re angry at, we talk to a third party instead. At their worst, triangles pull in other members of the family, often unsuspecting children.
Express your anger assertively