“Jennifer Strickland writes with honesty, experience, passion, and sensitivity in this important book. 21 Myths (Even Good) Girls Believe about Sex lists the lies the enemy wants to imprint on the hearts and minds of girls and then follows up with life-giving truths that cleanse, transform, and heal faulty thinking. This book should be read by every teenage girl, but it will also bring renewed hope to women of all ages who have allowed past wrong choices to keep them in spiritual and mental bondage. I highly recommend this resource!”

“Authentic and truth-filled, 21 Myths (Even Good) Girls Believe about Sex is a relevant reminder of God’s design for sex, love, and intimacy. Jennifer shows us in practical ways how to pursue passion and purity while living winsomely in the world, yet not of the world. As a mom of two tween daughters, this resource will be a ‘go-to’ for many years to come. Highly recommended!”

—Cindy Bultema, Women’s Speaker,
Bible Teacher, and Author of Red Hot Faith

“In a culture that seeks to convince us sexual purity is an antiquated philosophy, Jennifer Strickland proves the opposite. In 21 Myths (Even Good) Girls Believe about Sex, she uncovers the lies that would have us believe purity of mind and body stands in the way of our sexual freedoms. Through candid stories, analogies, and personal transparency she reveals the truth about sex—that purity does not inhibit physical pleasure but liberates us to enjoy sex the way it was designed to be … pleasure without pain or remorse.”

“Candid, honest, straight-forward, and written from a heart that tenderly and truthfully cares for girls and women, Jennifer Strickland tackles the much-needed topic of S.E.X. With the comfort and ease of sitting with a best friend over a latte, she weaves truth and beauty into the reader’s heart and life.”

—Pam Farrel, Author of Red Hot Monogamy,
52 Ways to Wow Your Husband: Put a Smile on His Face
and Red Hot Romance Tips for Women

“This is the book I’ve been waiting for. 21 Myths answers the questions women have but haven’t dared to speak aloud. Jennifer has done the hard work, and all you need to do is pick it up. I’m going to read it to my three teens tonight at the dinner table!”

“Jennifer’s latest is as much about love as it is about sex. That’s good, because love is what we’re really after! 21 Myths is an honest, grace-soaked, truth-filled addition to modern discussions about intimacy.”

—Jessie Minassian, Author of Crushed: Why Guys Don’t
Have to Make or Break You and Backwards Beauty:
How to Feel Ugly in 10 Simple Steps

“This book is Jennifer’s best yet, capturing and explaining the true essence of the longings of our hearts and how to have those longings fulfilled, God’s Way…. Jennifer gives practical wisdom and step-by-step guidance that can heal girls and women of any age and background from the pain and confusion that they have experienced in the area of love and sexuality and give them renewed hope and purpose so that they can experience the fullness of God’s love, regardless of what they have been through.”

“As someone who has literally been on the inside of the media machine as a model for famous designers, Jennifer knows what she’s talking about when it comes to battling media messages and replacing them with God’s truth. I highly recommend her work!”

—Constance Rhodes, Founder and CEO,
FINDINGbalance, Inc; Author, More Than a Number:
Why Who You Are Is Already Enough

“Jennifer Strickland writes with compelling conviction about sexuality. Her caring heart and incredible love story compel her to tell the truth about sex—the good and the bad. Her candid approach, spiritual sensitivity, and insightful writing create a plumb line for young women to follow.”

“Jennifer raises the bar for us to believe in God’s truth versus the current cultural lies about genuine beauty, self-worth, and true love…. My prayer is that all girls would read 21 Myths (Even Good) Girls Believe about Sex and pursue the safe pasture of God’s perfect boundary lines—a beautiful place where true love has always been intended to stay.”

“I wish someone had handed me this guidepost the day I turned fifteen. Jennifer Strickland candidly and authentically delivers a hard-hitting and refreshing message about the beauty and integrity of God’s design for sex, which every girl and young woman need to hear.”

“This book exposes real lies about sex faced by girls of all ages and provides the honest biblical truth they need to move from a life of disillusionment, hurt, and disappointment to one of hope, healing, purity, and real LOVE.”

“When I read the first few pages of this powerful, positive, progressive, palatable truth, I promised myself that all my children, grandchildren, and many friends would get a copy because this conversation can clear our minds about the true essence of sex!”

—Professor Thelma Wells, D.D.,
Master’s International University of Divinity,
CEO That A Girl Enrichment, Speaker, Author

“21 Myths is grace-filled, honest, and overflows with love. The insight and wisdom into the forbidden topic of sex opens the door for REAL conversation that renews, restores, and redeems hope, joy, beauty, and trust.”

–Debbie Eaton, Champion and Coach to the Next Generation
of Women through Writing, Speaking, and Connecting
over a Good Cup of Coffee and a Piece of Chocolate;
Former Director of Women’s Ministry, Saddleback Church

Dedication

For my husband, the Cowboy. Shane, this message is the incense of the love we share. With your strong arms around me, you have shown me the gentle nature of passion and romance. You are my best friend, my lover, and my husband—and you have uncovered for me the true beauty of love and desire—through promises that last. I am so grateful that all of me is yours. I love you, forever and always.
xoxoxo, Jen

eBook Editions:
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Unless otherwise indicated, all scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked ESV are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scriptures marked ASV are taken from the American Standard Version of the Bible.

The author is represented by, and this book is published in association with, the literary agency of WordServe Literary Group, Ltd., www.wordserveliterary.com.

Published by Shiloh Run Press, an imprint of Barbour Publishing, Inc., P.O. Box 719, Uhrichsville, Ohio 44683, www.shilohrunpress.com

Our mission is to publish and distribute inspirational products offering exceptional value and biblical encouragement to the masses.

MYTH 2: If I’ve Already Been Sexually Active, It’s Too Late for Me to Be Pure.

INTRODUCTION

When the idea for this book first came to me, I knew I could write it. But I could not have guessed how it would change me as a person.

This book is about sexual integrity, based on the premise that preserving your body means preserving your heart—and giving your body means giving your soul.

I am a girl who has been saved, healed, and delivered by love, and love keeps changing me for the better. “21 Myths about Sex” is really “21 Truths about Love,” for love is what we’re really after.

enhance your understanding of the true meaning of sex as the fabric of a loving marriage

When I first started writing, I thought the topic would be sex, but in the end I discovered it was about so much more. Ultimately, this is a book about love. It’s about knowing someone so fully that you love him not only in between the sheets but in the ups and downs, in the valley and on the mountaintop, and you love forever, the way God loves us.

In writing, I discovered sex has to do with patience, kindness, forgiveness, and humility. It isn’t just physical; it is spiritual and emotional. It isn’t just temporary; it is lasting. And it isn’t brief; it is bonding. It is the calling and completion of the married couple to be woven together for a lifetime.

There are things that surprised me about this book. Sex is not like a double-sided coin you can flip over, flat on each side. Instead, it is more like a diamond that appears different when illumined by various kinds of light. It’s a topic that encompasses babies, health, heartbreak, shame, abuse, homosexuality, media, pornography, body image, prostitution, dating, marriage, God, scripture, truth, and of course love. It’s highly multidimensional and very interesting!

I honestly can’t think of a subject more daring than sex. I wrote scared most of the time, but because my story is a love story, I had the power to write it. The topic of sex unveils for us love in all its angles. It is a mystery and a marvelous gift. But the world has made it dicey. Dangerous. Tragic. Treacherous. I don’t know of a subject more intriguing than this short, simple word, with three letters.

Sex. Even the word can send shivers down the spine of a teenage boy and send giggling girls running for cover. We can host whole parties for virgin brides (with lingerie galore) celebrating the beauty and majesty of sex, and we can go through thousands of tissues for the girls damaged and degraded by sex.

Sadly, even the thought of sex can usher in dark, shadowy memories for girls who gave away too early what should have been saved for later. Others are riddled by shame and remorse because someone else didn’t protect or respect their bodies. For those who have been sexually abused, the word sex conjures up physical and emotional trauma, the likes of which we don’t even want to imagine. Sex combined with abuse calls forth demons we’d rather keep quiet, but brokenhearted women cry out in the night, tears streaming down their faces.

The word sex brings to life scenes from movies, full of romance and allure. Sex ignites desire. The longing to be loved, held, and known is a force so strong that it can seem—although it’s not—impossible to restrain. Physical touch can bring comfort and healing or pain and regret. When known from duty or by force, sex can leave us feeling unsatisfied and empty, used and discarded, shamed and confused. When enjoyed in the sanctuary of the pure bedsheets of a loving marriage, sex is heavenly.

When I was a teen, I needed this book. I needed an honest-to-goodness conversation on the corner couch at Starbucks about the complexities of sex and the true meaning of it.

21 Myths is that Starbucks conversation, me and you. I’m going to be real with you (because conversations about sex must be honest). I’d better warn you now, though: I’m not going to hold back telling you the truth on this all-too-important topic.

My goal?

If you haven’t become sexually active yet: My hope is to equip you to win the battle for your chastity and be a virgin bride for your husband. But I’m not going to promise you a prince or that it’s going to be easy! I am also not going to promise you that people are going to agree with you, but I am going to help you! I’ll give you the who, what, when, where, and why, and I’ll teach you what the Bible says about sex, and you are going to love it!

If you’re sexually active outside of marriage and feel guilty, ashamed, or unsure: My goal is to help you heal and move on to a better road, where love and desire meet faithfulness and commitment; out-of-control meets self-control; passion meets purity; and purity means good, solid relationships for you. Ultimately, my goal is that you walk whole, strong, powerful, and free!

If you’re sexually active outside of marriage and don’t feel one bit bad about it: My intention is not to make you feel bad about it! But I’d like the opportunity to guide you into God’s best for you when it comes to your body, health, and future. I liken it to holding on to semiprecious stones when God has precious stones for you. Sometimes we hold on to something semiprecious because it has value and we really like it. But if we let go of what is semiprecious—if we open our hands—God can drop the diamonds into our palms. So hang with me and let’s see if this new painting of sex is what your heart really longs for.

If you’re married: I hope to inspire you to understand that true sexual intimacy is possible and something you can strive for and grow in. I also want us to be as direct as possible about the complexities of sex when talking to our daughters, sons, and their friends—because they need the real deal from us, and that’s what this book dishes out.

I invite you to use this book in the best way it suits you. You can look up myths and read them out of order, which I encourage. Or read it cover to cover with a girlfriend, mentor, or lamp! I kind of like the “in order” choice, because brushstroke by brushstroke, we are going to paint a new picture of sex as we know it. But it’s up to you. (And when you are done with this book, just leave it on the table at the local coffee shop, sorority house, gyno’s office, or wherever women and girls go, okay? Okay. Deal.)

Imagine a sky after a long storm: washed, radiant, brushstrokes that paint a sunrise in blasts of color over a canvas swept clean. That’s my life. At one time, I knew shame and let its shadows nearly swallow me alive. But then I encountered the love of Christ. From then on, it was God’s love that changed me and transformed the way I live in this body.

Today I know love in its tenderest sense, and I want that for you. I want you to know the simplicity of love between the sheets that has been blessed by the Father and celebrated by heaven. I want you to know passion with purity, the true beauty of love and desire.

Why else would I attempt to write a book on sex? I’m certainly not writing for me. I am writing for you, because I have seen far too many tearstained faces from girls hurt too young. I’ve also peered deep into too many women’s faces bitter with regret, aged too soon, because sex hasn’t been fair to them either. And I know you don’t want any of that, no matter your age! I know you want the dream and the destiny, love unrestrained and beautiful. So you are my why for this book—you are my why.

Look, there is good sex and bad sex, and I want you to understand the difference and choose the good, like I did on my wedding day. And when I picked good, I got great.

I want you to know the simplicity of love between the sheets that has been blessed by the Father and celebrated by heaven. I want you to know passion with purity, the true beauty of love and desire.

Twenty-one myths. Twenty-one truths. Take hold of them. I pray they bless you the way they have blessed me. Let’s pretend like we’re whispering over coffee on the corner couch, just me and you!

MYTH 1:

Sex Is Bad, and Only Bad Girls Want Sex.

(Sex is shameful. Shhhh, don’t talk about it!)

TRUTH 1:

Sex Is Good, and Good Girls Want Sex.

(It’s how we go about it that can be good or bad.)

LIFE VERSE:

[Jesus] stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”

JOHN 8:7 ESV

Time to get down to business. First, we gotta knock out the lie in the title of this book. Yep, I slipped a myth into the title, and I gotta come clean about it. Honestly, I did it for you, because you probably think you are either a good girl or a bad girl.

From now on I promise I’ll stick with the truth until I tell you otherwise. First of all, you are not “good” or “bad,” and neither is the hooker on the corner. The girl who has sex before marriage is not a bad person. The girl who has had an abortion is not a bad person. The girl who struggles with homosexual thoughts is not a bad person. The pregnant teen is not bad; the rape victim—nope, not her either. The girl everyone calls “slut” at school … and the one who cheats on her husband—their actions may be harmful, but nope, we’re not going to label them shameful or bad in this book. Our good God loves these girls just as much as He loves the girls who are walking in sexual integrity, so let’s just establish that from the beginning.

I don’t consider myself a good girl or a bad girl. I consider myself a girl who was lost and confused, who got hurt and hurt herself, and hurt others. At my worst, I cried out for real, lasting love; and over time, I received the answer to my prayers.

I do not consider myself an expert on the topic of sex, but I am a girl who had a torn and confused soul, who has been healed of my past, and who has received grace in waves that lap on the shore of my heart. I am no better and no worse than the lady sitting next to me in church, silently crying over her husband’s rejection, or the college girl with her heels dangling in her hand, walking home from a late night of partying. Our stories may seem different, but at heart we are the same: we all want a love that is lasting, that endures, that fills us up instead of empties us out.

Any girl who gives her body away for free or sells it for a price pays the toll. And any woman distraught because the man she wants doesn’t want her—she hurts. We are all God’s “loved” girls no matter what—and we’ve all got to learn to live from that place of identity. We are God’s beloved daughters—and everything we do in our bodies flows from that.

So what qualifies me to write this book? Well, my husband and I have chosen to follow God’s design for sex, and there is peace and security there. My husband’s name is Shane, and in previous books that’s what I’ve called him. But from here on out, I’ll refer to him as the Cowboy, simply because he won my California heart with his Southern charm and moved me to Texas to love me forever. (And because he looks awfully sexy on a tractor.)

The Sex Symbol

Let’s make one thing clear: sex is not bad, and the desire for sex is not bad. In fact, sex can be the most delicious and delightful experience two people can have together. The desire for sex is normal, healthy, and good. In marriage, this desire develops a beautiful bond between two people. Like two magnets, sex bonds a husband and wife into spiritual, emotional, and physical oneness. That bond is so strong that they can face and fight the fiercest storms of life as one.

In a great marriage, sex is a salve that heals our wounded hearts. Sex a way to accept one another in all our faults. Sex is a symbol of forgiveness, grace, and love.

The media presents a “sex symbol” as someone who is to be lusted after—someone who joins his or her body with others carelessly, who represents the lust of the flesh and a feast for the eyes.

How opposite this is to the symbol God uses for sex! In God’s design, sex is a symbol for oneness, not for many eyes, many hearts, many bodies. Sex symbolizes unity between Christ and the church, between God and His people, between a man and woman in marriage.

God has given us one directive on life—the Bible. It is the source for all wisdom and truth. It is God-breathed. His Word is flawless and gives us direction on how to treat people, our bodies, our relationships, and our money, how to find our mission in life—and it has a lot to say about sex. It has so much to say that I fear I cannot encompass it all in one book. And it’s true, I can’t. But what I can do is tell you everything I know about the truths and lies when it comes to sex and offer this book as a gift for your heart.

In my marriage, it has occurred to me that two people spending their lives together requires compromise, grace, and dedication. It also requires an appreciation for each other’s differences and the ability to make music together. The Cowboy and I are so different. When he works out, he jams to hard rock; and no matter how hard I’m running, I listen to worship. But together we make country, and we have a whole lot of heart and soul. Sex for us is a place where we come together as one.

Sex is mysterious and marvelous, healing and heavenly. Sex unifies us, teaches us to let go of differences and disputes and love each other with the flavor of grace, the sweetest taste of anything in all the world. Holy sex is a cornucopia for our souls, offering deep inward healing and releasing our bodies from negativity and pain. Sex experienced God’s way leaves no trace of shame, shadow of regret, or residue of past mistakes. Instead, good sex, or you might say, “God sex,” cleanses and heals and empowers us to love selflessly, wholly, the way Christ loves us. Whereas sex outside of marriage wounds people, God’s design for sex within marriage is to heal and make whole.

Oh, the wonders of sex! It is the physical symbol of the spiritual union of man and wife, the communion of our sole unity with God. It is so beautiful I could burst, but I won’t do that because we are just getting going.

A Very Bad, No Good, Thing

I cannot imagine that. But I can imagine this: if everyone wanted to kill me, I know the first person I’d want invited to that party: Jesus!

But not like anything, sexual sin is superpersonal. It’s not quite like lying, cheating, stealing, or destroying property, but it does lead to lying, cheating, stealing, and destroying property.

Let’s take, for example, the woman from the Bible who gets caught cheating on her husband, in our life verse for this myth. This woman feels embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed—especially since her adultery has gone public—kind of like when a girl’s sexting gets passed around to the entire senior class, then to the juniors, sophomores, and freshmen too. And the administration, who then let her parents know, and even with that, her “best friend” can’t keep quiet about it, so the whole town knows—oh yes, and all her followers on Twitter too. She’ll be lucky if it doesn’t get splashed on her Instagram page before she crawls into a hole and wants to stay there forever.

But not like anything, sexual sin is superpersonal. It’s not quite like lying, cheating, stealing, or destroying property, but it does lead to lying, cheating, stealing, and destroying property.

First of all, this “bad girl of the Bible” who got caught cheating on her husband has all this pain to begin with since she went outside of her marriage. Driven by her natural desires for affection and love, or driven by forces of attraction and lust, she fell. We don’t know the complexities of her marriage or why her longings led her to this forsaken place. But we do know this: humans struggle; humans fall. I’ve known a few women who fell into adultery, and as far as I can tell, their stories match that of Eve’s.

Something looks good, tastes good … and they believe it’s going to make them feel better, so they get duped into believing it is good, but in truth it separates them from their families and God, and they pay the penalty. So it goes with all sin. All fall.

It’s interesting that the religious leaders are ready to slam her to the ground for her sin. Not only do they want to watch the bloody mess, but they are positioned to cause it. Will it somehow make them feel better? Humph. That’s why I’d want Jesus at my stoning party; and by a stroke of destiny for this woman, He is.

Not much in life is kept secret for long, and this woman is stricken by terror. The whipped-cream-gone-bad on top of her sundae of shame is the wrath of death by stoning at the hands of the very people she thought she respected—the religious community. The Old Testament law of Moses required people caught in adultery to be stoned—a law we never see fulfilled—so she is our first example.

This woman has done a very-bad-awful-no-good thing, so we may be tempted to call her by the name of her sin—adulteress, whore, dirty slut. For she is the “offender,” the “offensive one.” Or are we named by our sin? Do you want to be called by the name of your sin?

With a crowd of people taunting Him, Jesus stoops down on the ground and begins writing with His finger. He stoops to her level—down in the dirt. No one knows what He wrote that day, but I’d take a shot at Revelation 2:17 ESV: “To the one who conquers I will give … a new name written … that no one knows except the one who receives it.”

“For the LORD has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you….

You shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will give. You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her, and your land Married; for the LORD delights in you, and your land shall be married…. For as … the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you. (Isaiah 54:6–8; 62:2–5 ESV, emphasis added)

I bet He writes her new name in the earth. Maybe it is Chosen One. Forgiven. Cherished. Loved. But it is certainly not Deserted. Degraded. Shamed. Damned.

When the pesky Pharisees keep badgering Him with questions, Jesus stands up to them, challenging them to look in the mirror. “The one without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7 HCSB).

The more they consider their own histories, the more quickly they drop their rocks.

Just checking. Because I have. In fact, I have done a lot of very-bad-awful-no-good things, and I’d really rather not be named by them—by you or anybody else, and especially by God. So I’m not going to pick up my rock to aim it at anybody.

If you have fallen, I will come down to where you are in the dirt and let you know you’re not alone. I’m not going to throw any rocks at you.

If you’ve had sex with many people, one person, or have a hidden sin—you are loved. If you have been a sex addict, a sex slave, sexually abused, addicted to porn, had one or more abortions, cheated on your husband or boyfriend, experienced homosexual relations, lied to your parents or friends, lied to yourself or to God, you are loved. And I’m going to stand up right here and tell the world to look in the mirror—and maybe, just maybe, if they are really honest, they will drop their rocks.

Bottom line about this woman: she is not condemned—otherwise, Jesus would have said so. The only one allowed to condemn is the One who has no sin, and He offers grace.

“Woman … has no one condemned you?” (Woman means “life,” so this is a sweet term of endearment.)

In this story, God is the good one, and the accusers are the bad ones. Not her. Not you. You are neither good nor bad—you are just forgiven.

There is not one biblical record where Jesus heaps shame upon a woman; in every case, He first releases her from shame.

You, and that girl at school being called a “slut,” and that woman you know who cheated—are not condemned. That means if you put your trust in Christ, your slate is clean. If there has been any sexual sin in your past, give it to Him and receive His forgiveness.

Good Girls Have Sex

Good girls have sex. Yes, they do, and it really bugs me when the church acts like they don’t—like you pass from “good” to “bad” the moment you have intercourse. That is such a lie! There are good choices and bad choices—good and bad consequences—and we are going to cover them when it comes to sex.

Good girls want sex, and they should, because we were created for it—our name, Woman, means “life.”

MYTH 2:

If I’ve Already Been Sexually Active, It’s Too Late for Me to Be Pure.

(So I might as well give up.)

TRUTH 2:

Forgiveness Purifies You.

(Don’t let the dirt stick.)

LIFE VERSE:

“Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.”

JOHN 4:13–14 ESV

The Mud Pit

When it rains, dirt can turn into mud or quicksand. There’s dirt you roll around in because it looks like fun. I did this once. I went to a concert in a huge field, and a rainstorm pummeled the crowd. People got so muddy, they started dancing and sloshing around in the mud until almost everyone dove in and got mud plastered. Finally, my girlfriend and I joined the craze and played slip and slide. We ended up wearing a giant mud mask from head to toe and took a bunch of funny pictures. It was fun and crazy, and all it took was a long shower to wash it off and a trash can for our clothes!

With sex, a lot of people jump in willfully because it looks like fun. The hotties seem to be quite happy rolling about in it. So why wouldn’t we be happy too?

If it were all well and good, why don’t the hotties go home and tell their dads about rolling around naked with the guy who picked them up at 7:00? Or why when they see the guy in class, can they barely look him in the eye now? Or why do they find themselves sitting on the sidewalk outside his fraternity house crying because he moved away? Sex can look, sound, and taste superyummy, and it feels good at the time, so people jump. But they get all muddy—and then they try to hide the mud, but this kind of mud sticks.

PRAISE FOR 21 MYTHS (EVEN GOOD) GIRLS BELIEVE ABOUT SEX