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HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

Verses marked NIV are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Verses marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Cover by Koechel Peterson & Associates, Inc., Minneapolis, Minnesota

Formerly released as Socially Smart in 60 Seconds

SOCIALLY CONFIDENT IN 60 SECONDS

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Pegues, Deborah Smith,

Socially Confident in 60 seconds / Deborah Smith Pegues.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references (p. 141).

ISBN 978-0-7369-6229-2 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7369-6230-8 (eBook)

1. Etiquette. I. Title.

BJ1853.P44 2009

395—dc22

2008020281

All rights reserved. No part of this electronic publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The authorized purchaser has been granted a nontransferable, nonexclusive, and noncommercial right to access and view this electronic publication, and purchaser agrees to do so only in accordance with the terms of use under which it was purchased or transmitted. Participation in or encouragement of piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of author’s and publisher’s rights is strictly prohibited.

Acknowledgments

This book could not have come to fruition without the contribution of many wonderful people who desire to see the world demonstrate more civility and culture. Special appreciation goes to the members of my dream team at Harvest House Publishers: Terry Glaspey, director of acquisitions and development, for his encouragement, creativity, and always-sage advice; and Peggy Wright, Kim Moore, and the editorial staff for their diligence and commitment to producing a quality work.

Special thanks go to my friends Josie Martin and Lainie Sloane, consummate etiquette mavens, for their preliminary critique and invaluable input.

Numerous other individuals either shared their insight, social blunders, and pet peeves or they prayed for the project. They include Judge Mablean Ephraim, Paul Jackson Jr., Tyrone Potts, Kelvin and Delisa Kelley, Gene Smith, Alvin and Pamela Kelley, Redelia Fowler, Billie Rodgers, Harold and Ruth Kelley, Pamela Johnson, Kecia Ephraim, Monique Swoope, Dana Lacy, Keeley Garth, Dana Smith, Debbie Ducre, Sandra Sims Arceneaux, and Darlene Bowman.

Finally, words could never fully express my gratitude to my husband, Darnell, for his never-ending sacrifices and support to facilitate my writing efforts.

Contents

Acknowledgments

Prologue

1. Wisdom for a Winning Personality

2. Common Courtesies

3. Money Manners

4. Confident Dining

5. Business Dining and Entertaining

6. Making Introductions

7. Making Small Talk

8. Networking

9. Office Etiquette

10. Meeting Manners and Protocols

11. Job Interview Etiquette

12. Air Travel Etiquette

13. Tipping Tips

14. Cross-Cultural Etiquette

15. Your Home Office Image

16. Email Etiquette

17. Cell Phone Etiquette

18. Giving and Receiving Gifts

19. Dressing to Impress

20. Proper Grammar and Diction

21. Entertaining at Home

22. Houseguest Guidelines

23. Dating Protocol

24. Gym Etiquette

25. Church Etiquette

26. Wedding Guest Etiquette

27. Funeral Etiquette

28. Ten Tips for Teens

29. Social Blunders

30. Popular Pet Peeves

Epilogue

Bibliography

Other Books by Deborah Smith Pegues

About the Author

Prologue

While attending graduate school at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles, I accepted a dinner date with a fellow student who was also enrolled in the Master in Business Administration (MBA) program. The server at the slightly upscale restaurant brought us a finger bowl after our main course. Of course, we were supposed to simply dip our fingers in the small bowl of warm water and then dab them dry on the napkin. Perhaps it was the slice of lemon in the water that caused the confusion. Before I knew it, my brilliant date picked up his bowl and drank the water. I was mortified! Of course, wisdom dictated that I not react or comment, but I thought to myself, He is in dire need of etiquette training!

Even though we wish we could forget them, we have all made a social faux pas or two at some point in time. Unfortunately, such behavior can hinder our progress professionally, socially, and even relationally. That’s why I’m writing this book. I have always been fascinated by the rules of etiquette. Growing up, I read every article and book that came my way regarding proper behavior and social graces. No one in particular encouraged my passion. I simply wanted to know how to do things right.

Immediately after graduating from the MBA program, I enrolled in the John Robert Powers finishing school. I went beyond the standard six-week course and opted for the one-year teaching curriculum. I knew that being socially polished would increase my confidence and put me at a professional advantage. The only trepidation I had about taking the course was the fear that such training would cause me to become a social perfectionist who was no fun at casual events such as picnics and ballgames. I did not want to become the etiquette cop who wrote tickets—verbal or silent—to everyone who violated proper social behavior. My fear proved to be unfounded. I learned that the whole concept of etiquette is centered on three guiding principles: consideration, convenience, and common sense. Observing proper protocol should never make others feel inferior or uncomfortable in any way.

The training at John Robert Powers was one of the best investments I’ve ever made. While I do not consider myself an etiquette expert, I do feel a responsibility as a Confidence Coach to provide a quick tool that will help eliminate or minimize the social insecurity and embarrassment of simply not knowing how to behave in certain situations.

As an inspirational writer, I faced somewhat of a dilemma in approaching this project. While I have a passion for teaching people how to incorporate the Bible into every aspect of their daily lives, I wrestled with the idea of trying to write an etiquette book with an inspirational twist. Further, I was concerned that potential Christian readers might consider social protocols and manners to be worldly concerns—and certainly not something that heavenly minded folks needed to spend much time pursuing. After all, using the wrong fork was not going to doom anybody to eternity with the devil and his infamous fork.

My wrestling came to a halt when I realized that etiquette is indeed the considerate, convenient, and commonsense way of relating to others. The underlying principles of such behavior come directly from the Scriptures: “Just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise” (Luke 6:31). Certainly, anyone claiming to be God’s child must be even more motivated to model the highest standard of social and professional manners.

I have heard some refer to social graces as “Southern hospitality.” However, as I study the Bible, I realize that it is really “scriptural hospitality.” God mandates certain protocols for interacting with others whether one is a Southerner or not. A former Southerner, I now live in Los Angeles, California. It is a melting pot of people of various cultures who interact with each other at warp speed—and often with great indifference. Needless to say, kindness and consideration are not the daily norm. I would love for this book to spark a movement that would abate this trend.

I have established two goals in writing this book: First, I want to instruct or remind you how to do things right so that you can gain the social confidence you need to succeed in the world. Second, I want to challenge you not only to do things right, but to do the right thing. Yes, doing things the proper way may enhance your career, bring you into favor with influential people, or earn you a reputation as the consummate host, but these things are secondary benefits. God has established a code of behavior that He wants to be the standard in His kingdom. I call it Kingdom Etiquette, and the rules haven’t changed since the beginning of time. God always wants us to do the right thing—even when others misbehave toward us. Extending grace is the right thing to do. Columnist Thomas Sowell says, “Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back.”

From developing a winning personality to avoiding popular pet peeves, this book will coach you to confidence in any situation. Assuming that you only have a minute or so to spare, I’ll get right to the point and discuss only the essentials of each topic area. If you desire a more extensive discussion of a subject, feel free to consult any of the excellent books or websites listed in the bibliography. Now let’s get started.

Wisdom for a Winning Personality

You could be the most polished or sophisticated person on the planet, but if people don’t like you, you’ll have few opportunities to interact with them. Some individuals have the kind of personality that brightens up a room, while others improve the environment by their departure.

Personality is the visible aspect of your character as it impresses others. Without a pleasing personality, achieving your personal and professional goals will be an uphill battle. This chapter is not about changing who you are or turning you into a people pleaser. It is about coming to grips with the fact that whatever you desire in life will be achieved through other people. Consequently, you must be mindful of behaviors and character traits that attract people and those that repel them.

As you read the following tips for a winning personality, consider areas where you need to shore up your interactions with others.

• Smile. Keep it genuine. Don’t smile just to show off your new cosmetic veneers or caps (however, if you need them, they will be a great investment and will boost your confidence). Let your eyes smile also. A smile reflects your mental attitude, and it can affect the attitude of others.

• Listen. Be genuinely interested in other people. Try to limit the number of times you say “I” during your conversations.

• Don’t interrupt—even if the person is long winded. If you need to make a point, raise your index finger slightly as if to ask for permission to speak.

• Respect other people’s opinions. There is no need to argue about non-eternal matters or those that do not affect the quality of your life.

• Be quick to serve. Jesus cautioned His disciples, “The greatest among you must be a servant” (Matthew 23:11 NLT). Help others as if you were serving God Himself, because you are!

• Be generous. Don’t skimp on tips to those who serve you (see chapter 13 on tipping guidelines).

• Don’t be a moocher. Always pay your share—and then some.

• Be humble. Don’t brag about your position, possessions, people you know, or places you’ve traveled. Humility tops the chart as the most admired character trait. Pride and arrogance are the most detestable.

• Don’t succumb to your insecurities. Avoid putting yourself down. Know that you are adequate for every task, for your sufficiency comes from God (2 Corinthians 3:5). Confidence is a great people magnet.

• Make every effort to remember names. A person’s name, to that individual, is the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

• Always make the other person feel important and valued. Do this sincerely and without hidden motives. Booker T. Washington said, “A sure way to lift one’s self up is by helping to lift someone else.”

• Praise the small and large accomplishments of others, especially your employees and family members.

• Be flexible and patient when unexpected situations arise. Learning to go with the flow will increase your emotional and spiritual maturity.

• Be a peacemaker in every situation. Resist partiality or respect of persons.

• Be a team player. This will take you further than being the Lone Ranger. Don’t worry about getting credit. You’ll get what’s yours.

• Earn the right to give constructive criticism by consistently showing concern for the other person’s well-being. Always give him your input in private and after much prayer.

• Laugh. Look for the humor in negative situations. Laughter releases endorphins, the chemicals in your brain that make you feel good. Laughter is also contagious.

• Learn to be “bi-social.” Know when to relax the rules of etiquette according to the situation or environment so you don’t appear to be stuffy and pretentious.

• Maintain a positive attitude. Believe, according to Romans 8:28, that all things are working together for your good when you love God and are called according to His purpose.

Common Courtesies

Some things should go without saying. However, for those of you whose parents or guardians skimped on your home training, or who move at lightning speed and don’t tend to focus on manners, I’ll remind you of what indeed goes without saying.

As you read each of the common courtesies below, constantly remind yourself of the golden rule: “Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them” (Matthew 7:12). These foundational manners will improve the quality of your life as well as the lives of those in your social or professional environment.

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