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101 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU GET ENGAGED
Copyright © 2004 by H. Norman Wright
Published by Harvest House Publishers
Eugene, Oregon 97402
www.harvesthousepublishers.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Wright, H. Norman.
101 questions to ask before you get engaged / H. Norman Wright.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 0-7369-1394-7 (pbk.)
1. Marriage—Religious aspects—Christianity—Miscellanea. 2. Betrothal—Religious aspects—Christianity—Miscellanea. 3. Mate Selection—Religious aspects—Christianity—Miscellanea. I. Title: One Hundred and one questions to ask before you get engaged. II. Title: One Hundred one questions to ask before you get engaged. III. Title.
BV4529.2.W75 2004
646.7’7—dc22 |
2004001428 |
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Printed in the United States of America
05 06 07 08 09 10 / VP-CF / 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3
1. Warning—Never Marry (or Get Engaged to) a Stranger.
2. 101 Questions to Ask
3. If You’ve Been Married Before
List of Recommended Reading for Couples
Notes
Other Harvest House Books by H. Norman Wright
YEARS AGO THERE WAS A VERY POPULAR love song, “Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All About You.” Well, that’s probably the best advice to follow if you’re thinking of engagement.
This is not a book about marriage or how to prepare for getting married. It’s more basic than that. It’s designed to help you answer the question, “Is this the one I want to even consider as a marriage partner? Is this the person I want to be engaged to as the next step to marrying them?”
During my years of counseling, I’ve heard so many people say, “The person I married was not the same one I honeymooned with. It’s as though they changed overnight. What happened?”
The answer is simple. They married a stranger. There was either courtship deception, or naïveté or not enough questions were asked. Thus, many marriages falter. That’s why this book was written—to give you some of the questions you need answers to now, not later, in order to make a wise decision.
Let’s assume you have sufficient money to purchase a new car. You go to the auto mall where there are 16 dealerships…with cars of all makes, models, colors, vintages, and prices. You pull into the lot, park, and stroll over to this “great looking” car. It’s a previously owned model (which means used). It’s been around the block a few times. But you really like the way it looks and smells, and it’s comfortable inside. There are a number of gadgets, including a GPS.
A salesperson comes up and asks if he can help you. You respond with, “You sure can. I want to buy this car.”
“Great. What would you like to know about it?”
“Know? What’s there to know? I saw it. I like it. I want it—let’s draw up the paperwork.”
“Well, I can do that. Do you have any questions about its warranty, performance, estimated mileage, or the GPS? And since it’s a recent addition, we haven’t even put the price on it. Don’t you want to know that?”
“Not really. All I know is I want it. And you don’t even have to wrap it up for me!”
Would you buy a car in this way? It’s doubtful. It’s almost ridiculous. If you did, you’d be going into it blind. No—of course you’d ask questions. It’s too big of an investment, and you don’t want to make a costly mistake.
However, many people who make the decision to become engaged do the very same thing. They don’t ask enough questions. They like what they see and that’s all that counts. After all, asking questions isn’t very romantic…and you may not like the answers.
The fact is, though, at some time you will discover the answers to your questions. Asking them before you say, “I do,” can help you make your decision, save you some unneeded heartache, or confirm the direction you’re heading. The greater the amount of information you have, the better you’ll be able to make a good decision.1
I want to help you avoid becoming engaged to a stranger. Yes, it’s painful to experience the end of a dating relationship. But, it’s even more painful to break off an engagement. Hopefully these questions will help you say, “Yes, I really know this person and feel comfortable in moving ahead,” or “I’m glad I asked these questions now so I don’t pursue this. It’s time to move on.”
One of the principal questions I’d like you to consider is, “How is your acquaintanceship?” Yes, acquaintanceship. Jeffrey Larson, in his excellent book Should We Stay Together? described it this way:
I define one’s acquaintanceship as a combination of how well you know your partner (depth of knowledge) and how long you’ve known your partner (breadth of experiences) before marriage. The relationship between acquaintanceship and later marital satisfaction is simple: The longer and better you know someone before marriage, the greater the likelihood of marital satisfaction. This is because the longer you become acquainted with someone before marriage—usually—the better you know them, understand them, and understand your couple strengths and weaknesses.2
Most of the following questions and thoughts, however, have come from those who discovered their answers after they were married. They were shocked, dismayed, and felt deceived. Many of the questions are direct and blunt. You may think, “I couldn’t ask that!” You may be hesitant, but why? You may think you’re going to offend your partner, or you may be thinking These seem so unromantic—or you may not want to hear their answer (ignorance is not bliss)—or you may be worrying, What if they ask me the same questions? Well, your partner should ask you the same questions.
You can ask them and discover the answers now, or not ask them and discover the answers later. It’s your choice. It’s better for you to be in charge of when you find out because, as I said earlier, you will.
In this introduction, you will find suggestions and guidelines from a number of people. As you read them, they may sound like warnings. They are. There’s no other way to say it. They are cautionary guidelines. Perhaps that sounds better. These resources are gathered from my many years of relationship counseling.
A friend of mine has a particularly powerful statement about his experience with dating. I’ve shared it at many conferences, and people find it incredibly insightful. I’ve asked him to share a few highlights. I believe the following can be very helpful to anyone dating.