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1. Marriage—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Women—Conduct of life. I. Barnes, Bob, 1933– Your husband, your friend. II. Title.

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This book is dedicated to my wife, Emilie, and to all women who have hung in there when the going got rough. You are truly the ones who have found favor with God.

It isn’t easy to persevere when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But as survivors, you are a witness to the world of God’s love and His abounding grace. You are proof that those who believe the principles and promises of Scripture—no matter what the situation—will later reap the blessings that accompany them.

Through every circumstance you trusted God, prayed with great fervor, and clung to that man you took in marriage. May we men become as committed to our marriage and family as you, our wives, are!

I thank God each day for the precious wife He has given me. I am the man I am today because of my God and my wife. Emilie has made this book possible. Without her, I never would have written these thoughts on paper.

When God made Bob Barnes, the mold was broken. He is a unique, talented, insightful, and discerning man. I have to laugh a bit when I say that because my Bob has an identical twin brother. Even though they do look alike, they are each so different in a lot of ways and similar in others.

My Bob and I met on a blind date over 59 years ago, never realizing the significant task that marriage would be. We were starry-eyed and ready to begin a loving relationship for life. When the rough times came, and they did, we attempted to follow God’s principles with the help of family, Christian friends, and our church family. We walked through those rough times and were refined by them.

What my Bob will share with you through the pages of this book has worked for us, and will help you to see your marriage from your husband’s perspective. You will gain insights into your man and discover why he may see life through a different set of lenses than you do. You might also come to better understand why your mate seems so different or even weird at times!

My Bob and I have worked together in our ministry, More Hours in My Day, since 1982. Each year we meet thousands of women just like you, who have teachable spirits and want the best relationships possible with their men. Through these encounters my Bob has felt your heartbeat, and he is sensitive to your desires and needs for an intimate relationship with your husband.

The words you’re about to read come from a man who loves God and wants to encourage us as wives to support, love, and help our husbands become better men.

Did you look twice when you saw that a man wrote this book? Are you wondering, Why does he think he can write a book of encouragement for women? Shouldn’t a woman be writing this book? After all, she would know how hard it is to be a wife! Those are valid questions, but let’s consider a different perspective.

As a man, I know what makes a man feel loved and supported. I know what men need to feel confident and appreciated. I know the inner fears and questions a man lives with. I know the frustrations a man experiences in his various roles as breadwinner, disciplinarian, handyman, car-repair expert, and spider killer. Simply put, I know how men tick—and that information can help you come alongside and support your husband. But there are other reasons why I believe I have an important message for you.

For 59 years I have been married to a woman who has truly stood by me. Emilie has shown me the patience of Job, the wisdom of Solomon, the forgiveness of Jesus, and the straightforwardness of Paul in her relationship to me. A very capable person in her own right and busy with her own areas of ministry, Emilie has always worked toward the long-term goal of helping me become the man God wants me to be.

Emilie has loved, encouraged, challenged, motivated, inspired, and supported me in every endeavor. She has stood by me, backing my ideas and my leadership even when she has had some doubts. When I have been wrong, Emilie has offered encouragement rather than chastisement, scolding, “I told you so,” or the silent treatment. All through our years of marriage, I have been strengthened by her unwavering respect for me.

Emilie has always prayed for me daily. I know her prayers have changed the course of my life. Many times when I kissed her goodbye as I left for work, I would mention my 10:30 a.m. meeting with the president of Company X or my 3:30 p.m. meeting with the staff. Then, at 10:30 and 3:30, I knew the confidence that came from knowing that I had a faithful prayer warrior lifting me up before the Lord.

Through the years, Emilie’s prayers have also placed a protective hedge around my heart. Knowing that she would be in prayer for me has helped protect me from feelings of anger, resentment, defeat, or egotism. Whenever I was away from the family at a convention, I knew that Emilie was praying for my safety, purity, obedience to God’s Word, and protection from Satan’s attacks. Also, being so in tune with God and with me, Emilie—like many intuitive wives—has often been aware of my needs before I’ve been aware of them myself. Finally, as a woman of prayer, Emilie is someone I can turn to with every decision that needs to be made, confident that her perspective will be godly and wise.

Emilie has also made me a hero to our children, Jennifer and Bradley, and to our grandchildren: Christine, Chad, Bevan, Bradley Joe, and Westin. She has always made it a priority to teach them to support my leadership, appreciate me in word and deed, and respectfully acknowledge my role in the family. Just as Emilie has taught me what a gift a godly wife can be, she can undoubtedly teach you as I share from my experience as her husband.

Through the years, I have studied the Bible—both the Old and New Testaments—to see what God teaches men and women about marriage, children, and family. Even as a very young man I wanted to mirror, to the best of my ability, God’s principles for being a man, a husband, and a father. My desire has always been for my life, marriage, and family to reflect what God teaches. While I’m still in the process of becoming all that God wants me to be as a person, husband, and father, I have had ample opportunities to test the Bible’s principles in the laboratory of life, and I have found them to be sound. In this book, I’ll be sharing with you what I have learned.

Since 1982, I have worked with Emilie in our More Hours in My Day ministry. At our seminars, I have listened to and spoken with thousands of women across the country. Wherever Emilie and I go—California or New York, Texas or Michigan—women have the same concerns, questions, and desires for their men, their marriages, and their families.

• The children hardly know their father, and they don’t understand him at all. How can I get the kids and their dad together?

• I know we loved each other when we were married, but I’m not sure we do now.

I’ve heard you raise these issues and ask these questions, and I have some answers to share.

My heart is burdened by the many families I see that are separated and hurting because one or both spouses aren’t willing to examine what God says about the sacred institution of marriage and come under the authority of biblical teaching. I am saddened by the women I’ve seen who have given up on their men too soon and made decisions about their marriage that are contrary to God’s Word. At the same time, I am encouraged by what I’ve seen God do to revitalize marriages. I want to share with you the hope we can have in the Lord—especially if you are running low on hope for your marriage and family.

Throughout this book I’ve sprinkled some wise and thought-provoking quotes to encourage you in your marriage relationship. My hope is that these will bring cheer to your day and enrich your life.

So why am I writing this book? Because I can offer you a unique and valuable look at marriage from a male perspective. I have learned much about marriage in my 59 years as a husband, and I have studied the scriptural guidelines that God gives for a fulfilling marriage and family. I have tested those principles and I trust them. I also know the concerns women have about their husbands, and I have hope in the grace of our Lord. I have seen Him bring new life to stale marriages, distant husbands, and weary wives. So hang in there! In the strength of the Lord and with the guidance of His Word, you can improve your marriage and help your man become all that God designed him to be.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Somewhere between the thrill of the engagement, the hectic preparation for the wedding, and the joy of The Big Day—and often despite excellent premarital counseling—the message gets lost, overlooked, or silenced. That message? Marriage is hard work.

Even in the best of circumstances, the demands of daily life and the hours one or both spouses work outside the home take their toll on the marriage relationship. Friends and lovers become business partners and virtual strangers. Children become the main topic of conversation and the primary focus of prayers. Older parents need care, bills need to be paid, the Sunday school program needs teachers, and the lawn needs mowing. Energy is gone long before the day is over, and the day is over long before the “to do” list is complete. Even with the Lord as the foundation, marriage is hard work.

And marriage is made even harder these days by the world’s view of men, women, marriage, and the family. What the world preaches certainly isn’t what God had in mind when He made us in His image, instituted marriage, and declared it good!

The Scriptures clearly teach that God created Eve from Adam’s rib so that she could be Adam’s helpmate (Genesis 2:18). Today’s society, however, slams the door on that truth. While it’s good that women have made some important and long overdue strides toward social, political, and economic equality, some women, unfortunately, have pushed for equality to the point of erasing the distinctive differences God created in men and women so they could complement one another. Some have even gone so far as to say, “Who needs men?” In response, many men have become passive, quiet, and unsure about their role in relation to women. In fact, they have no idea what God intends them to be, and women are frustrated because their men aren’t meeting their needs in the marriage and the family. Women cry out to their husbands, “Get with the program!” and the men softly ask, “What program?” Men and women alike have strayed from God’s design for marriage, and as a result, are at odds with their mates.

Conflicts between husbands and wives are often triggered by certain ideas that society tells women to believe about themselves and about men. In fact, clinical psychologist and author Dr. Toni Grant points out ten lies that the modern “liberated” woman has bought into—lies based on the false promises propagated by the more extreme elements of the feminist and sexual revolutions.¹

Society would have women believe that they can be high-powered CEOs, devoted wives, loving mothers, impeccable dressers, immaculate homemakers, gourmet chefs, creative hostesses, and disciplined exercisers. And women in pursuit of this impossible goal pay the price of a sense of failure, lack of fulfillment, and utter exhaustion when they don’t live up to those unreachable standards. After all, as Dr. Grant points out, women—like men—are only human!

At our seminars, though, Emilie and I are seeing more and more supermoms who have come to realize that they can’t have it all and have decided that they don’t even want to try. In growing numbers, women are leaving the hard-charging corporate world and returning to the responsibilities, challenges, and comforts of home, children, and family—and they are content with their choice. They tell us that they were paying too high a price in terms of their marriage, their children, their peace of mind, and their sanity when they were trying to achieve the illusory and impossible goals that society put before them.

This lie has caused many women to adopt attributes and behaviors that run counter to their natural characteristics and temperaments. These women have been untrue to themselves as they have tried to be other than what God created them to be.

Clinical studies show consistently different play patterns between young boys and girls, but we don’t need sociologists and psychologists to point out the differences. Our own observations of the world around us and even limited contact with a member of the opposite sex reveal that men and women have different priorities, think different thoughts, and have different desires in life. The basic differences between males and females (which we’ll address throughout this book) are one reason why marriage is challenging, and unfortunately, many women have refused to acknowledge these differences in their quest for liberation and equality with their male counterparts. Let me say here that different does not imply better or worse, superior or inferior. And acknowledging that there are differences may help women be more comfortable being women—and not men!

What makes a woman attractive to a man? Is it her keen business sense, her economic conquests in the corporate world, how many company boards she sits on, the number of postgraduate degrees she has earned, or the honors listed on her resumé? Does the power she attains by virtue of her many accomplishments win her the devotion of her man? Does love blossom where the woman has achieved much of what the world values in the way of status and success? No! Again, the world’s lies have taken hold. This is not to say that women should not use their God-given gifts or strive to respond to God’s call in their lives. Rather, women are learning that their accomplishments don’t necessarily win them a man’s attention or devotion. Women are also learning that the top of the corporate ladder can be as lonely for them as it is for men.

God calls each of us to use the talents and abilities He has given us, but too many of us have fallen victim to the idea that we have incredible hidden potential and all of it must be realized. While it’s true that we should do everything to the best of our ability, believing that we should always be able to win the gold medal or consistently score a perfect “10” can mean disappointment and depression when human limitations result in a bronze medal or an unexpected “8,” “6,” or even “2.”

By contrast, the Bible offers a message of freedom. Again and again throughout the pages of Scripture, we see how God uses ordinary people in His work. We don’t have to be mental giants, well-trained scholars, or experts in the Bible. We need only to surrender ourselves to God and allow Him to do great things through us. Jesus teaches, “Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted” (Matthew 23:12). Resting on the truth of the Bible, we can be free from the myth of unrealized potential. Humbling ourselves before God yet willing to do our best wherever He calls us to work, we can let Him do what He will with our five loaves and two fish (Matthew 14:13-21).

One basic difference between men and women is the way they approach and enjoy sex, and some of those differences are not hard to understand. First, the potential consequences of sexual intercourse—bearing a new life—have far greater ramifications in the life of a woman. In addition, the connection between sex and love is much closer and more important to women than it is to men, yet the sexual revolution has attempted to erase this difference. In their efforts to achieve equality with men, many sexually active women have tried to ignore their fundamental emotional needs. They have sacrificed their souls based on the lie that they should approach sex just as men do.

If women were to accept the fact that their Creator made them different from men, these women could again find wholeness, peace, and a more satisfying sexuality. Often women will ask, “How can I be more feminine?” My usual response is, “By being less masculine!” Men like the softness of a woman—her chin, her voice, her dress, her manners, her social graces, and the way she relates to them.

Me and Her

She is compulsive.

I am impulsive.

She likes it hot.

I like it cold.

She is neat.

I’m a slob.

Andy Rooney says, “A’s marry Z’s”

But we are in different alphabets.

I push.

She pulls.

She says, “Down.”

I say, “Up.”

She is night.

I am day.

Living together is hard.

Living without her would be impossible.

—AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Quite often, women delay motherhood as they work toward their career goals. Some even postpone marriage for the sake of a career. In doing so, they ignore the fact that their reproductive system won’t be able to reproduce forever. When they do suddenly hear the biological clock ticking, these women may panic. Their desperation for a child may then be heightened by any difficulty they have conceiving. Sadly, despite society’s message to the contrary and today’s high-tech medical advances, a woman’s desire for children could end up never being fulfilled if she puts off motherhood too long.

The words feminine and soft no longer carry the positive associations they once did. Many women today are choosing assertiveness and strength—tools for the business world—over kindness, sensitivity, and compassion in their relationships. They don’t seem to realize that attractiveness and real power come with the feminine characteristics given to them by God. We men respond to women who are vulnerable and open to our love and care. Today, too many women wrongly equate such vulnerability with weakness. As we’ve seen before in this list of lies, women lose when they try to be like men.

With wisdom that contrasts sharply to this popular modern myth, the New Testament writer James instructs believers to “be quick to hear, slow to speak” (1:19). In our culture, however, which greatly values busyness, many of us—men and women alike—are more comfortable doing instead of being and speaking instead of listening. When women transfer their obsession for achievement from the corporate world to the arena of male–female relationships, they often fail to be the kind of listener that appeals to a man. Listening, which is a more passive and receptive role, has been granted second-class status. As a result, men and women alike miss out on the bond which compassionate listening can forge between them.

Remember the feminist rallying cry, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”? This slogan points to the myth of self-sufficiency, a myth that led Dr. Grant to label the modern woman “the Amazon woman.” In the legendary Amazon culture, women functioned completely apart from men. Once a year they would meet with men for breeding purposes, but then they returned to their own island to raise the children.

The attitude that women don’t need men is in direct opposition to the plan of our Creator. Men and women are to honor one another and lift each other up, and we honor one another when we humble ourselves. The writer of Proverbs observed that “a man’s pride will bring him low, but a humble spirit will obtain honor” (29:23). Jesus taught that “the greatest among you shall be your servant. And whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted” (Matthew 23:11-12). The apostle Peter exhorted his readers to “humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time” (1 Peter 5:6). These teachings are quite contrary to our society’s prescriptions about success and to the myth that women can exalt themselves above men as people they simply don’t need.

A more humble and biblical attitude toward one’s spouse enables a Christian marriage relationship to reflect—as it should—the relationship between Jesus and His church. Just as Christ “loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25), husbands and wives are to humble themselves in service to one another. Furthermore, this godly marriage relationship is to be the foundation for raising children who will come to know, love, and serve the Lord. Many single parents today are doing their best to raise their children alone, but God’s plan is to have husbands and wives be partners in this all-important and challenging task. The myth of feminine self-sufficiency sabotages God’s design and runs counter to many biblical teachings.

A softer, more sensitive man has not appealed to women the way people thought he would. While the new male sensitivity brings an important dimension to male–female relationships, women also want their men to be strong. So we men are left to figure out how to be strong without being obnoxiously macho, and sensitive without being weak. I hear many Christian men today wondering how to be both the man the Lord wants them to be and the man their wife or society wants them to be. Men today are desperately trying to figure out which characteristics are right and proper for them. When your husband manifests godly manhood, praise him. Help him become God’s man.

Consider again the litany of lies we’ve just looked at: Women can have it all, men and women are fundamentally the same, accomplishment means desirability, women must realize their full potential, men and women are alike in their attitudes and approach to sex, women can put off motherhood without penalty, women should be assertive instead of soft, speaking one’s mind is better than listening, women don’t need men, and women should look for sensitivity instead of strength in a man. Now consider the impact these lies have had on our society. What role have they played in the harsh realities of families breaking up and teenagers rebelling or being lost to drugs?

When we believe in and act on these lies, we not only undermine society, we also find ourselves living contrary to God’s plan. When we try to change who God made men and women to be and redesign the plan He instituted in the beginning, our efforts dishonor the Creator. Despite that fact and despite the negative consequences of these lies, they still influence much of society’s thinking about men and women. And speaking out against these lies and myths is not always well-received. Today everyone pressures us to be tolerant or “politically correct.”

Remember when First Lady Barbara Bush addressed the women at Wellesley College? Her comments received harsh criticism from the all-women student body. Let’s look again at what she said:

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend, or a parent.

We are in a transitional period right now—fascinating and exhilarating times, learning to adjust to changes and the choices we—men and women—are facing. As an example, I remember what a friend said on hearing her husband complain to his buddies that he had to babysit: Quickly setting him straight, my friend told her husband that when it’s your own kids, it’s not called babysitting.

Now, maybe we should adjust faster and maybe we should adjust slower. But whatever the era, whatever the times, one thing will never change: Fathers and mothers, if you have children, they must come first. You must read to your children, and you must hug your children, and you must love your children. Your success as a family, our success as a society depends not on what happens in the White House but on what happens inside your house.²

Barbara Bush boldly spoke out against some of the lies women and men alike have fallen prey to. In doing so, she challenged women of all ages across America to evaluate the choices they are making and the impact those choices are having on American society. In effect, Mrs. Bush called women to deny the lies society has propagated over the past few decades. And the teachings of the Bible—as we’ll see in this book—call women to do likewise. Will you respond to the call?

On Mother’s Day 1991, our local newspaper ran a story that speaks to our times. Letha Blacman recalled the day when, pregnant with her first child, she left her husband of two years and went home to her mother. When she arrived, she spent 30 minutes telling her mother what she was unhappy about and that she was leaving her husband and their home. (Interestingly, at the time the article was written, Letha couldn’t remember why she was so angry with her husband!)

When Letha stopped talking, her mother said, “I have listened to you, and now I am going to tell you what you are going to do. You are expecting a child. It needs a mother and a father. You are going back to your husband, and the two of you are going to raise that child.”

I can do everything God asks me to with the help of Christ who gives me the strength and power.

The next morning, Letha’s husband went to her mother’s house and took Letha home. Angry that her mother hadn’t opened her arms and said, “Come home, honey,” Letha didn’t even wave goodbye as she and her husband drove away.

The punch line of the story? Letha and her husband raised that first child and a second as well. On April 23, 1991, they celebrated their fifty-ninth wedding anniversary.³ Letha had decided to stand by her commitment when she felt like quitting. Today’s society would have told her to be concerned about her own happiness and encouraged her to make it on her own. But fortunately she took a stand, and you can do the same.

You can support your man when you feel like quitting. You can stay at his side even when circumstances are tough and the struggle is intense. With guidance from Scripture and reliance on God’s strength, you can survive the difficult times and do so with patience, love, and hope.

May you know the sparkle as this day unfolds

of precious dewdrops a violet holds;

May you see the colors of spectrums above;

May you know the blessing of friends and God’s love.

—JUNE MASTERS BACHER

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

Whenever I buy a new insurance policy, household appliance, or pair of jeans, I pay attention to the disclaimers:

• “It is agreed that no insurance shall be effective unless the applicant passes a complete medical examination.”

• “This warranty is valid only if the product is used for the purpose for which it was designed. It does not cover products which have been damaged by negligence, misuse, or accident or which have been modified or repaired by unauthorized persons.”

• “Wash and dry with like colors. Color may transfer when new. Wash before wearing. Shrinks approximately 10%.”

We consumers live in a world of disclaimers. Manufacturers regularly provide guidelines for the use and care of their products and give specifics about when they will (or won’t) stand behind their work. Their instructions also keep consumers from having expectations that exceed what the item can deliver.

Before we get too far along in this book, I also want to put forth several disclaimers. Like today’s manufacturers, I don’t want you to expect more than what this book can deliver, so I offer the following five points.

I would love to be able to give you a little white pill that would ease all your concerns and answer all your questions, but there aren’t any such pills on the market. It would be nice to be able to find an easy, clearly marked path out of the many difficulties we face, but not even in Scripture do we find that life is going to be easy or that we can avoid having to cope with life’s challenges.

There are no instant formulas for dealing with issues like these. Also, what works for one person or situation won’t necessarily work for another.

Although God’s Word doesn’t offer us pat formulas for living, it does offer us guidelines for living a meaningful Christian life, building a solid Christian marriage, and raising children who know and love the Lord. In the chapters that follow, we’ll look at these guidelines and trust God to show you how to apply them to your specific circumstances. Again, there are no guarantees that your life will be free of pain, heartache, and disappointment, but you can find hope in God’s love for you and the promise that He “causes all things to work together for good to those who love God” (Romans 8:28).

Many people who say “I do” think that after they are married their spouses will change. But nowhere in Scripture does God appoint spouses to be change agents for one another.

Despite that fact, many women I meet at our seminars ask me how they can change their husbands. I gently remind them that the Holy Spirit—not the wife—is the change agent. Speaking on this same issue, Ruth Graham wisely said, “Tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative.” Talk to God about your marriage. Ask your heavenly Father to work change through His Spirit—and be aware that He may change you as well as your spouse! Also, focus your efforts on the role that Scripture clearly sets forth for you: “Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord…And let the wife see to it that she respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:21,22,33). Women are not to seek to change their husbands. Rather, they are called to honor their husbands out of honor for the Lord. (Likewise, men are not to seek to change their wives, and I know from experience what results from such efforts. Whenever I’ve tried to change Emilie, I’ve provoked tension, discouragement, and resistance in her.)

Consider the fact that, as fallen human beings, we have a strong tendency to do the opposite of what we are told to do. We want to touch wet paint when the sign says “Wet Paint.” Children want to test the “no” when we instruct them to stay away from matches, water, and friends we don’t approve of. Likewise, our spouses may end up doing the opposite of what we suggest when, usually through negative communications, we try to change them. Discouraged—if not angered—by our criticism, our spouses can come to resent our words and inwardly resolve, “I’ll show him/her!” In such situations, we can actually hamper God’s work in the lives of our mates. God, working through His Spirit, is to be the change agent. We can end up hindering His work in the lives of our spouses when we try to be helpful with criticism that is anything but constructive.

Through the years, God has also shown me that many times my responses to Emilie’s shortcomings were worse than the shortcomings themselves! I have found myself, for instance, becoming angry, unkind, resentful, and moody in the face of her shortcomings, and these responses impeded our relationship and my walk with the Lord. Even today I remember how negative I became when I tried to change her—but I honestly can’t remember the specific shortcoming I was trying to correct! I do remember, though, coming across the exhortation of Ephesians 4:29: “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” That verse led me to adopt “Is that edifying?” as a guideline for my speech, and that little question has really helped me make sure all my words to Emilie are positive.

Experience has also taught me that husbands and wives alike need to be sensitive to verbal and nonverbal messages we send to our spouses, and we need to ask forgiveness for any improper responses we might make. Rather than making insensitive and inappropriate efforts to change our mates, we must support them in prayer and be willing to wait for the Holy Spirit to do His work in their lives.

When it comes to seeing changes in a spouse, many women (and men) don’t want to wait, and often self-centeredness is the main reason. Wives want their men to fit their ideals for the perfect husband—now! Are you one of those wives? Consider your attitude toward your husband in light of this instruction from Scripture:

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others (Philippians 2:3,4).