reading

Adapted from two previously published books: Home with a Heart: Encouragement for Families and Coming Home: Timeless Wisdom for Families.

Adapted from: Home with a heart. Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers, c1996. Coming home. Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House, c1998.

1. Families—Religious life. 2. Parenting—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3. Christian life.

I. Dobson, James C., 1936- Home with a heart. II. Dobson, James C., 1936- Coming home. III. Title. IV. Title: Doctor Dobson’s handbook of family advice. V. Title: Handbook of family advice.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

INTRODUCTION

Thank you for your interest in this book, which we have titled Dr. Dobson’s Handbook of Family Advice. It is a compilation of many of my favorite commentaries addressing the subjects of children; marriage; teenagers; grandparents; single parents; public, private, and home schools; blended families; medical research; and dozens of related topics. I hope you’ll find these suggestions helpful and practical for your own home.

The concepts and ideas included in this book were drawn from hundreds of radio and television commentaries aired throughout the United States and in more than 100 other countries on six continents. The listening audience is estimated to be in excess of 220 million people every day.

How do we explain such broad interest in family-related topics among the peoples of the world? This appetite for information is a relatively recent development. What we are observing now, however, is that millions of husbands and wives are concerned about the enormous challenges that are plaguing the institutions of marriage and parenthood. Indeed, the human family is a small community that is facing universal problems, including divorce, drugs, infidelity, juvenile delinquency, violence, and many other difficulties. This appears to explain why families in diverse cultures are suddenly receptive to timeless advice that is based on the wisdom of the Judeo-Christian system of values.

The commentaries you are about to read were written in a 90-second format, which makes them concise and to the point. I think you will enjoy them. Some are practical. Some are spiritual. Some are serious. Some are humorous. And some are intended simply to inspire the “better angels” within us. In the end, each commentary is designed to make its own small contribution to the relationships that matter most—those that thrive in the home.

I believe these statements will hit close to where you live. Greetings to you and your family.

BOUNDARIES

The Security of Boundaries

Children feel more secure, and therefore tend to flourish, when they know where the boundaries are. Let me illustrate that principle.

Imagine you’re driving a car over the Royal Gorge Bridge in Colorado, which is suspended hundreds of feet above the canyon floor. As a first-time traveler, you’re pretty tense as you drive across. It is a scary experience. I knew one little fellow who was so awed by the view over the side of the bridge that he said, “Wow, Daddy! If you fell off of here, it’d kill you constantly!”

Now suppose there were no guardrails on the side of the bridge. Where would you steer the car? Right down the middle of the road. Even though you don’t plan to hit those protective railings along the side, you just feel more secure knowing that they’re there.

It’s the same way with children. There is security in defined limits. They need to know precisely what the rules are and who’s available to enforce them. When these clear boundaries exist at home, the child lives in utter safety. He never gets in trouble unless he deliberately asks for it. And as long as he stays within those reasonable, well-marked guardrails, there’s mirth and freedom and acceptance.

Your children need the security of defined limits, too. They may not admit that they want you to be the boss, but they breathe easier when you are.

Mom’s Football Team

In the late 1960s, the phrase “If it feels good, do it” made its way around the counterculture. It meant, in effect, that a person’s flighty impulses should be allowed to overrule every other consideration. “Don’t think—just follow your heart” was the prevailing attitude. That foolish advice has ruined many gullible people. Those who ignore lurking dangers are casting themselves adrift in the path of life’s storms. We must be prepared to disregard ephemeral feelings at times and govern our behavior with common sense.

Not only can emotions be dangerous—they can also be unreliable and foolish. I’m reminded of a story told by my mother about her high school years. They had one of the worst football teams in the history of Oklahoma. They hadn’t won a game in years. Finally a wealthy oil producer asked to speak to the team in the locker room and offered a brand-new Ford to every boy and to each coach if they would simply defeat their bitter rivals in the next game. The team went crazy. For seven days they thought about nothing but football. They couldn’t even sleep at night. Finally the big night arrived, and the team was frantic with anticipation. They assembled on the sidelines, put their hands together, and shouted, “Rah!” Then they ran onto the field—and were smashed thirty-eight to nothing. No amount of excitement could compensate for the players’ lack of discipline, conditioning, practice, study, coaching, drill, experience, and character. Such is the nature of emotion. It has a definite place in human affairs but is not a substitute for intelligence, preparation, and self-control.

Instead of responding to your impulses, therefore, it is often better to hang tough when you feel like quitting, to guard your tongue when you feel like talking, to save your money when you feel like spending, and to remain faithful when you feel like flirting. Unbridled feelings will get you in trouble nine times out of ten.

So, before you chase after something that simply feels good, you might want to think it over. You could be about to make one of your greatest blunders.

Children and Materialism

It’s not easy to say no to children, especially in an affluent and permissive society. Toy companies are spending millions of dollars on advertising aimed at children—not their parents. They know boys and girls are the very best customers. But by giving in to this pressure, parents may actually deprive their children of pleasure. Here’s why.

Pleasure occurs when an intense need is met. A glass of water is worth more than gold to a person who’s dying of thirst, but it’s worthless to the person who doesn’t need it. That principle applies directly to children. If you never allow a boy or girl to desire something, he or she will not fully enjoy the pleasure of receiving it. If you give him a tricycle before he can walk, and a bike before he can ride, and a car before he can drive, and a diamond ring before he knows the value of money, you may actually have deprived him of the satisfaction he could have received from that possession.

How unfortunate is the child who never has the opportunity to long for something, to dream about that prize by day, and to plot for it by night, perhaps even to get desperate enough to work for it.

Excessive materialism is not only harmful to children—but it deprives them of pleasure, too.

Children and Television

There’s been considerable debate in recent years about television rating systems. That kind of information is desperately needed by parents who want to protect their kids from harmful content, and I’m among those who believe that the present system just doesn’t get the job done.

But even if changes are implemented, there’s a new wrinkle to be considered. Social research conducted by Yankelovich Partners, Inc., has analyzed the television-viewing habits of Americans. What they discovered is surprising. Forty-two percent of children between nine and seventeen have their own cable or satellite television hookups in their bedrooms.¹ The image of families gathered around a single TV set in the family room is fading. Instead, many kids are off by themselves where they can choose anything that they want to see.

Ann Clurman, a partner at Yankelovich, said, “Almost everything children are seeing is essentially going into their minds in some sort of uncensored or unfiltered way.”² Considering the explicit sex, violence, nudity, and profanity available now, especially on cable and satellite television, this is a disturbing revelation.

Children need to be protected from adult programming, and yet almost four out of every ten kids have parents who don’t really know what they’re watching. I fear that situation will come back to haunt us for years to come.

2 COMMUNICATION

Learning to Communicate Feelings

You talk and talk, but your partner just doesn’t seem to comprehend. Have you ever had that experience? Well, maybe it’s time you tried a new form of communication.

One very effective way to express your feelings is to paint a word picture. My good friends Gary Smalley and John Trent described this technique in their book The Language of Love. They told of a woman who was feeling frustrated because her husband would come home from work and clam up. He had nothing to say all evening. Finally, his wife told him a story about a man who went to breakfast with some friends. He ate a big meal, and then he gathered up some crumbs and put them in a bag. Then he went to lunch with some business associates and ate a big steak. Again, he put a few of the crumbs in a bag to take home. When he came home that night, he handed his wife the little bag of leftovers. The woman told her husband, “That’s what you are doing to me. All day the children and I wait to talk with you when you get home. But you don’t share yourself with us. After being gone all day, you hand us a doggie bag and turn on the television set.” The husband said hearing it put this way was like being hit with a two-by-four. He apologized and began to work on opening himself to his wife and family.

Word pictures. They are far more effective than a tornado of hostile words.

The First Five Minutes

I heard about a brilliant but simple principle some years ago that I never forgot. Its thesis was based on the concept of “the first five minutes,” describing the way people relate to each other. Everything they do for hours is influenced by the first moments they spend together.

For example, a speaker is given very few moments to convince his audience that he really does have something worthwhile to say. If he’s boring or stilted in the beginning, his listeners will begin thinking about something else, and the orator will never understand why. If he hopes to use humor during his speech, he’d better say something funny very quickly, or his audience won’t believe he can make them laugh. The opportunity of the moment is lost.

Closer to home, the first five minutes of a morning determine how a mother will interact with her children on that day. A snarl or a complaint as the kids gather for breakfast will sour their relationship for hours.

And when a man arrives home from work at the end of the day, the way he greets his wife will influence their interaction throughout the evening. If he mutters, “Not tuna casserole again!” the relationship will be put on edge from then to bedtime.

Fortunately, when we have been apart from those we love, we have an opportunity to reset the mood. A little sensitivity when coming back together can produce surprising benefits. It all depends on the first five minutes.

Differing Assumptions

One of the most common sources of conflict between husbands and wives comes down to a simple matter of differing assumptions. Let me illustrate. Some years ago I went through a very hectic period of my life professionally. I was a full-time professor in a medical school, but I was also traveling and speaking far more often than usual. I completely exhausted myself during that time. It was a dumb thing to do, but I had made commitments that I simply had to keep.

Finally on a concluding Friday night the siege was over, and I came dragging home. I had earned a day off, and I planned to kick back and watch a USC–Alabama football game that Saturday. Shirley, on the other hand, also felt that she had paid her dues. For six weeks she had taken care of the kids and run the home. It was entirely reasonable that I spend my Saturday doing things she wanted done around the house. Neither of us was really wrong. Both had a right to feel as we did. But the two ideas were incompatible.

Those assumptions collided about ten o’clock Saturday morning when Shirley asked me to clean the backyard umbrella. I had no intention of doing it. There was an exchange of harsh words that froze our relationship for three days.

It’s important to understand that neither of us was looking for a fight, yet we both felt misunderstood and wounded by the other. Our conflict was typical of what goes on every day in a million other homes. It all comes down not to deliberate antagonism but to something called “differing assumptions.”

We can avoid most of these clashes simply by making sure that the two people know what is on the other’s mind. They might still disagree, but the unpleasant surprises can be prevented.

The Apology

Have you ever found the courage to say “I’m sorry” to a child? It is difficult to do, and my father was never very good at it. I remember working with him in the backyard when I was fifteen years of age, on a day when he was particularly irritable for some reason. He crabbed at me for everything I did, even though I tried to please him. Finally, he yelled at me for something petty, and I had had enough. I threw down the rake and quit. Defiantly, I walked across our property and down the street as my dad demanded that I come back. It was one of the few occasions I ever took him on like that!

I meandered around town for a while, wondering what would happen to me when I finally went home. I ended up at my cousin’s house on the other side of town. After several hours there, I admitted what I had done, and my uncle urged me to phone. With knees quaking, I called my dad.

“Stay there,” he said. “I’m coming over.”

To say that I was scared would be an understatement. Dad arrived in a short time and asked to see me alone.

“Bo,” he began, “I didn’t treat you right this afternoon. I was riding your back for no good reason, and I’m sorry. Your mom and I want you to come home now.”

It was a tough moment for him, but he made a friend for life. And in so doing, he taught me something about apologizing that would someday be useful to me as a father.

The Fine Art of Conversation

Are you tired of those one-word answers your child or teenager gives in response to your questions? You ask how well he played in soccer practice, and he says, “Fine.” You wonder how he got along in school today, and he says, “OK.” End of the “dialogue.”

Well, I have a suggestion that may help. I ran across a simple but very effective way to teach children the art of conversation. It was included in an article written by Sybil Ferguson in Woman’s Day. I’ve taught this technique to my own children and hope you will find it helpful, too.

Give three tennis balls to your daughter, and ask her to throw them back one at a time. Instead of returning the balls, however, simply hold them. Your daughter will stand there looking at you awkwardly and wondering what to do next. Obviously, it isn’t much of a game. Then you explain that good conversation is like that game of catch. One person throws an idea or a comment to the other, and he or she tosses it back. Talking to each other is simply a matter of throwing ideas back and forth.

For example, if you ask your daughter, “How did it go in school today?” and she answers, “Fine,” she has caught the ball and held it. We have nothing more to say to each other. But if she responds, “I had a good day because I got an A on my history test,” she has caught the ball and thrown it back. I can then ask, “Was it a difficult test?” or “Did you study hard for it?” or “I’ll bet you’re proud of yourself.”¹

To teach your children how to communicate, simply show them how to catch and throw. Even a very young child can understand that idea. It’s just a matter of playing the game.

A Better Way of Moving On

Moving to a new school or a new city can be a threatening experience for children, but there are some ways to make the transfer easier.

Preparation and forethought are the keys. Educator Cheri Fuller recommends that those who are about to relocate call a family meeting to talk about what’s about to happen. Begin to lay plans together. It’s sad to say good-bye to good friends, and it’s hard to make new ones. Try establishing pen pals for your children in the new school long before the move is to occur. Relationships can blossom through the mail so that the kids are not entirely unknown in the new location.

It’s also good to create curiosity about the new city or neighborhood you’re moving to. Write to the state tourist bureau or to the chamber of commerce and ask for brochures and maps. When your children begin to see some of the adventure of moving, they may develop a more positive attitude toward leaving.

A bit of preparation and a healthy dose of communication can help clear the way for a smoother journey to a new home.

Families at the Dinner Table

Dr. Blake Bowden and his colleagues at the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Center studied 527 teenagers to learn what family and lifestyle characteristics were related to mental health and adjustment. Their findings were significant.

What they found is that adolescents whose parents ate dinner with them five times per week or more were the least likely to be on drugs, to be depressed, or to be in trouble with the law. They were more likely to be doing well in school and to be surrounded by a supportive circle of friends. Surprisingly, the benefit was seen even for families that didn’t eat together at home. Those who met at fast-food restaurants had the same result. By contrast, the more poorly adjusted teens ate with their parents only three evenings per week or less.

What do these findings mean? Is there something magic about sitting down together over a meal? No, and those parents who interpret the conclusions that way will be disappointed. What Bowden’s study shows is that adolescents do far better in school and in life when their parents are involved with them—when they have time for them—and specifically, when they get together almost every day for conversation and interaction.²

Study after study has emphasized that same message. Families are critically important to the well-being of children.

3 COMMUNITY AND COMPASSION

Our Civic Duty

We live under a representative form of government which Abraham Lincoln described as being “of the people, by the people, and for the people.” Unfortunately, not enough of us take the time to let our representatives know how we really feel about issues that concern us.

Letters and phone calls to our local officials, representatives, and senators do make a difference, and these people certainly need to hear from us. Let me offer a few ideas that may help in making your letter the most effective it can be. First, be brief, and restrict each letter to one subject or one piece of legislation. This makes it easier for the recipient to respond and for his or her staff to organize correspondence. If the letter is about a specific bill, identify it by name and number. Second, make your letter personal. Form letters and postcards do have a place, but personal letters get more attention. Describe how the proposed bill or course of action would affect you or your family or your community. Give the essential background information as well. And third, remember that elected officials receive thousands of letters of complaint and very few positive responses.

If a public official says or does something that you like, respond with a quick note of appreciation, and by all means, remember that democracy works best when the people make their wants and wishes known.

A Simple Bag of Groceries

A few years ago I slipped into a market to buy a few groceries for lunch. Standing in front of me at the checkout was an elderly woman who didn’t seem to be altogether lucid. It quickly became obvious that she had selected more food than she could pay for, as she fumbled in her purse frantically for a few more coins. The checker politely continued to add up the items.

“I just don’t understand where my money is,” said the old lady as she made another desperate foray into the depths of her purse.

With that, I whispered to the checker, “Just go ahead and total her bill. Accept whatever money she has and put the rest on my bill.”

That’s what she did, and I paid an extra eight dollars to make up the difference. The old woman never knew that I had helped her. She shuffled off with her cart, relieved that her groceries had cost exactly the amount of money she was able to locate. Then I looked back at the checker and saw that she was crying. I asked her why.

“Because,” she said, “I’ve been doing this work for twenty years, and I’ve never seen anyone do something like that before.”

It was no big deal—an insignificant eight dollars—but simple kindness is so unusual today that it shocks us when it occurs. I’ll tell you this: That may have been the best eight dollars I ever spent! I only wish I’d paid the rest of the dear lady’s bill.

Helping a Single Mom

Many years ago, my wife, Shirley, was working around the house one morning when a knock came at the front door. When she opened it, there stood a young woman in her late teens who called herself Sally.

“I’m selling brushes,” she said, “and I wonder if you’d like to buy any.”

Well, my wife told her she wasn’t interested in buying anything that day, and Sally said, “I know. No one else is, either.” And with that, she began to cry.

Shirley invited Sally to come in for a cup of coffee, and she asked her to share her story. She turned out to be an unmarried mother who was struggling mightily to support her two-year-old son. That night, we went to her shabby little apartment above a garage to see how we could help this mother and her toddler. When we opened the cupboards, there was nothing there for them to eat, and I mean nothing. That night, they both dined on a can of SpaghettiOs. We took her to the market, and we did what we could to help get her on her feet.

Sally is obviously not the only single mother out there who is desperately trying to survive in a very hostile world. All of these mothers could use a little kindness—from babysitting to providing a meal to repairing the washing machine or even to just showing a little thoughtfulness.

Raising kids all alone is the toughest job in the universe. Do you suppose there’s someone in your neighborhood who is going down for the third time? How about giving her a helping hand? Not only will it bring encouragement to the mother, but one or more children will bless you as well.

Respect for the Elderly

Many years ago I saw a documentary television program that I never forgot. It focused on the life of an elderly woman named Elizabeth Holt Hartford, who lived alone in a Los Angeles slum. These were her parting words that were aired on videotape a few weeks after her death:

You see me as an old lady who’s all broken down with age. But what you don’t understand is that this is me in here. I’m trapped in a body that no longer serves me. It hurts, and it’s wrinkled and diseased. But I haven’t changed. I’m still the person I used to be when this body was young.

Those who are younger may find it difficult to appreciate Mrs. Hartford’s words. She was speaking of the “Unwanted Generation” and what it is like to be aged in a time dominated by the very young; to be unable to see or hear well enough; to have an active mind that is hopelessly trapped in an inactive body; to be dependent on busy children; to be virtually sexless, emotionally and physically, in an eroticized society; to be unable to produce or contribute anything really worthwhile; and to have no one who even remembers your younger days.

A gastroenterologist once told me that 80 percent of his older patients have physical symptoms caused by emotional problems. Despair is quickly translated into bodily disorders. Obviously, self-worth is essential to well-being at all ages. Let’s extend our love and respect to those such as Elizabeth Holt Hartford who have passed their prime.

Dear Friends and Gentle Hearts

On an icy January morning many years ago, a man was found naked and bleeding in a twenty-five-cent-a-night flophouse. Doctors sewed up the gash in his throat as best they could, but the wound and the booze had taken their toll. That night he died in his sleep.

A nurse gathering his belongings found a dirty coat with only thirty-eight cents in one pocket and a scrap of paper in the other, on which five words were written: “Dear friends and gentle hearts.” Almost like the words of a song, she thought. And she was right. This old man turned out to have been the songwriter who penned some of America’s most beloved music, including “Swanee River,” “Oh! Susanna!” “My Old Kentucky Home,” and hundreds more. He was Stephen Foster.¹

That true story comes to mind whenever I see a derelict—a down-and-outer—on the street today. That dirty, sotted man or woman wasn’t always in that condition. He or she was once a little baby, bubbling with promise and hope—before being cut down by the pruning knife of time. A wrong choice or two—an unfortunate circumstance at a critical moment—led to the tragedy of a wasted life.

It’s difficult to see beyond a bleary-eyed bum sleeping on a park bench today, but there is a person of value within that exterior. He or she might be another creative genius at the end of a long and bitter journey.

Togetherness

Let me ask you to take in a deep breath of air and hold it for a moment. Then exhale it. You might be interested to know that this single breath of air contains at least three nitrogen atoms that were inhaled by every person who has ever lived, including Leonardo da Vinci, Winston Churchill, and Abraham Lincoln. Likewise, each of the dinosaurs in their time breathed some of the same nitrogen atoms that you took into your body. And the air that you just exhaled will circle the globe in the next twelve months, and everyone will breathe at least one or two of those individual atoms.

That scientific fact dramatizes the connectedness between us as human beings. Just as we share our chemistry with other members of the human family, we are all interdependent socially. We are affected positively or negatively by the actions of each other. During the self-centered days of what used to be called the “me” generation, it was common to hear people say, “As long as I’m not hurting anyone, it’s nobody’s business what I do.” Unfortunately, everything we do affects other people, and there’s no such thing as a completely independent act.

The poet John Donne wrote, “No man is an island, entire of itself, every man is a piece of a continent, a part of the main.”² How true were his words.

4 CONFIDENCE THROUGH ENCOURAGEMENT

A Star in the Apple

Some parents refer to their children as the apple of their eye, but one mom I know affectionately thinks of her kids as the “star in the apple.”

This mother discovered one day that by cutting an apple horizontally across the middle, instead of coring it and slicing it in wedges from top to bottom, something new and striking appeared. A perfect five-point star was formed by the tiny seeds at the center. The star had been there all along, of course, but she’d just never seen it before because she always approached the apple from a different point of view.

There’s an analogy to children here that intrigues me. Most of us look at these little creatures we call kids in a certain way year after year. We see them perhaps as lazy or irritating or demanding. But children are infinitely complex, and we may be overlooking qualities of character that we’ve never seen before. We could be missing the “star” at the heart of these young lives.

If we try to see them through fresh eyes every now and then, we may stumble onto a whole new wonderful dimension to their personalities that escaped us before. So give it a try! Begin looking at your children from a new angle.

There is, I promise, a star tucked away inside every boy and girl.

The Lollipop

A mother named Elaine told me a very moving story about her three-year-old daughter, Beth, who was the youngest child in their neighborhood. She toddled after the big kids but understood that they didn’t really want her along.

One day this mother looked out her kitchen window and saw Beth standing at a fence, watching the other children playing baseball. They wouldn’t let her play, of course, and it was upsetting her. Suddenly, the little girl turned and ran into the house calling, “Lollipop, Mom! I need lollipop!”

Elaine went to the cupboard and handed the child a lollipop.

“No! No, Mommy,” Beth said. “I want lots of lollipops.”

The mother knew something was up, so she gave the child an armload of lollipops. Beth then ran back to her place at the fence and stood there silently, holding the lollipops out to the other children. She was trying to buy their acceptance—but they didn’t notice her. Finally, one of the bigger kids saw Beth and yelled to the others. They ran over and grabbed the treats away from the toddler and then went back to play without even thanking her. Elaine stood watching at the window with a lump in her throat. The gifts were gone—and so were Beth’s friends.

How many insecure teenagers give everything they have—including their own bodies—to gain acceptance from their peers? Then they are left standing at the fence, alone and rejected—with their lollipops gone. These are among the most painful experiences of a lifetime—for adolescents and for their parents. There are times when moms and dads can do nothing to help their children except to stand at the window, praying that God will get them through it!

Mistaken Identity

Jaime Escalante, the Garfield High School teacher on whom the movie Stand and Deliver was based, once told me this story about a fellow teacher. During his first year in the classroom, he had two students named Johnny. One was a happy child, an excellent student, a fine citizen. The other Johnny spent much of his time goofing off and making a nuisance of himself.

CONTENTS