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The economics of fathering, more specifically fatherlessness, is a topic that has received no small attention. Recent data estimates a figure of 100 billion dollars annually as the cost of fatherlessness. This a significant sum, but it does not include the staggering emotional, moral, and “loss of potential” costs that plague a child when they don’t have a dad.

Conservatively, 25 million children under the age of eighteen don’t live with their dad, which means roughly 12.5 million daughters go to bed tonight in a home without their father. Add to that the number of children who live with their dad but aren’t connected to him relationally, emotionally, or spiritually. Therein is a much clearer picture of the true costs of fatherlessness.

Enter Dr. Michelle Watson. When I first met Michelle, I was greatly encouraged that another skilled and competent leader had been prompted to focus on strengthening father-daughter relationships. After many discussions, it was clear that Dr. Watson was a thoughtful leader who was bringing attention to the importance of those relationships.

While the costs and consequences of fatherlessness have been described in great detail in the literature, the benefits and assets created by “fatherfullness” have been less so. The absence of a father leaves a child at risk, with hopelessness and disaster waiting in the wings. But the presence of a dad, particularly one who is responsible and humble, can breathe hope and life into a child. Remarkably, the research and opinion leaders are unified: fathers matter, and they play an essential role in healthy child development.

What impresses me most about Dr. Watson is that she recognizes how much fathers matter. Add to that her passion to see dads and daughters connect in ways that yield benefits to both, and you have fatherfullness in motion. In addition, Dr. Watson understands that reciprocity and appreciating male-female differences is the foundation for healthy relationships. Her book will help you lay the groundwork for a healthy family. Her insights are spot on.

For several years Dr. Watson has tested the efficacy of her research in small groups. She has put scores of dads through enriching and, at times, challenging training that has helped them grow in their commitment as fathers. That’s right. A female, Dr. Watson, has been teaching dads with great success, and the results have been extraordinary. And how did that happen?

First, Michelle is a daughter. She knows, through an imperfect though healthy relationship with her dad, why the father-daughter relationship is so important. When you know from experience how valuable the bond between dads and daughters really is, and then are challenged to make that relationship the best it can be, a quality is added to your clinical training that supersedes the academic credential.

Second, Dr. Watson is a successful therapist. Her entire vocational career has been committed to helping women and men mature. She is licensed and has endured the scrutiny of other counseling professionals. She practices with excellence, and her case loads are always full.

Third and most important, Dr. Watson is a lifelong learner. From our first meeting and throughout the years, I have come to know that one of Michelle’s gifts is wisdom. That wisdom has been tempered and shaped by another Father. The fact that she can integrate spiritual truths and realities into her training gives her a unique perspective.

I have been working in the field of fatherhood and family formation for over twenty-five years. It is always a delight to meet leaders who have discernment with respect to the fathering role. Dr. Watson is one of those. I applaud her efforts, her work, and her success in providing fresh insights to fathers and daughters. I highly recommend her book and her work as an author, a speaker, and an emerging leader.

Wayne is one of those men you don’t easily forget. His six-foot-three frame carries with it a commanding presence that lets you know he’s going to shoot straight whether you agree with him or not. But he also exudes a warmth and genuineness that draws people to him. As an ingenious entrepreneur, Wayne has worked hard to get where he is, and if you were to spend even five minutes with him, you would soon discover that he thrives on meeting challenges head-on and seeing them come to a positive resolution. Thus, it should come as no surprise to hear about his increasing frustration and sense of defeat when he first contacted me about joining The Abba Project, the group I lead for dads who have daughters in their teens and twenties.

As a father to two sons and one twenty-two-year-old daughter, Wayne was finally at the point of admitting that there was a disconnect between the success he was experiencing at work and his “success” as a dad. He came desperate for help to reach his daughter’s heart, knowing that the time was now or never.

Wayne describes his daughter, Samantha, as “a strong-willed young lady who unfortunately has walked down the wrong path.” And while conceding that “parenting is doing the best you can,” Wayne was also eager to look at the ways his anger had contributed to his daughter’s pain. He was ready to make amends and focus on rebuilding the bridge to her heart.

Wayne jumped in full steam ahead and enthusiastically engaged Sam in all homework assignments month after month. After going through the first date questionnaire (see the appendix) with her, he said: “We spent four to five hours talking. That’s the longest I’ve ever spent with my daughter without being in an airplane!”

Once he made the decision to purposely pursue his daughter, he was fully committed, whether or not she responded to him favorably. He focused on doing his part while leaving the outcome to God. Wayne tells of the day he put a “Do Not Disturb” sign on his office door and spent three hours writing a letter to Sam. And once it was finished, he hired a calligrapher to rewrite it so it could be framed as a gift to her. It was heartwarming to hear him say “my letter brought her to tears.”

At the end of our nine-month Abba Project journey, not only was this dad-daughter relationship strengthened, but this dad was changed. Wayne now tells stories of their newfound connection and speaks with a gentle softness in his tone that wasn’t there at the start. He is proud of himself for the hard work he put in, as well he should be. But equally important has been the transformative impact on Sam’s life as a result of her dad’s intentional and consistent pursuit of her heart (these are two themes that you’ll hear repeated throughout this book so lock them in now).

Wayne describes in his own words what being a part of The Abba Project was like for him:

I came to the class punching and swinging—not kicking and screaming, but close. This has been a 180. My relationship with my daughter has changed. She is opening up more now, and for the first time has asked me what I thought about a guy. She has been able to see me live it out. It has been ten years of “hard,” but now her heart has changed; so has mine.

Michelle, you have developed your passion into a wonderful life-altering challenge for men. There are many things I will take away, many things I have already incorporated, and many more things I have yet to discover.

Sam would tell you that she wouldn’t be where she is now had it not been for her dad turning his heart toward hers. She is the beneficiary of her dad’s incredible, loving investment in her, and she is forever grateful.

Yes, I do understand that we as daughters are complex and complicated. And because we often don’t understand ourselves, we don’t make it easy on you dads to try to figure us out. No wonder John Gray wrote his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. We really are from two different planets.

Being a woman and a leader of women, I have years of experience that qualify me to guide you through the maze of being a dad to a daughter. I respect you for your willingness to learn in this forum. And now that you’ve heard Wayne’s story, I’m hopeful that you’ll let me lead the way for you too. I know it can be hard for any man to give up control, but I really think that if you trust me to lead the way, you’ll be glad you did. I promise I won’t bite. And for the record, weeping is optional!

But don’t just take Wayne’s word for it. Here’s how other dads describe in one word the benefit of The Abba Project:

I want your relationship with your daughter to be strengthened so that the next generation of women is stronger and healthier than the current one. This is where I have to tell you boldly that it’s up to you to turn your heart toward hers so she can be all that she was created to be.

I’ve heard many dads say that it’s both terrifying and wonderful to be a father to a daughter. I get that. I would feel it too if I were in your shoes. We’ll take it one step at a time. I will help you succeed as a dad. I know that we can be a great team.

I’m so excited that you opened this book. Whether you’re a dad, a mom, a daughter, a friend, or family member who is invested in seeing dads become more active participants in their daughters’ lives, I welcome you to this conversation.

If you’re a dad, you may be wondering how a total stranger, and a woman no less, can speak to your relationship with your daughter. Hang in there and I believe this question will be answered as you see positive results from putting the resources presented here into practice. Without a doubt, you are one of the central keys to your daughter growing, changing, and becoming all that she can be.

As my friend Dr. Ken Canfield, founder of the National Center for Fathering, says, “Your role as a father is indeed one of the most important jobs you will ever have. And no one but you can activate that role in the unique way you are privileged to do.”

Do you happen to have a gift sometimes for saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time to your daughter?

Do you love your daughter with all your heart but wonder if she knows that it’s true?

Do you find it harder to relate to her as she gets older and becomes more intriguingly complex?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this book might be exactly what you need. Based on feedback I’ve received from other dads, you want straightforward input that both educates and inspires. You want pragmatic solutions that work. You want real stories from real men who have made changes and seen positive impact in their relationships with their daughters.

A friend in the book business recently told me that 86 percent of books sold are bought by women. This confirmed that I don’t want to write a book for men that looks like every other book on the shelf that men never read. The truth is that it is worth your time to read this book only if it makes a difference and helps you fix, improve, or build a stronger relationship with your daughter.

1. Your daughter needs you, more than you may know. These resources will help you decode her and relate even better with her.

2. You need your daughter. Because she touches a place in your heart that no one else can, your heart needs to open and stay open. You will both grow as a result.

3. Your confidence will build if you have the tools to help you connect better with her.

4. Now is the time to dial in with more precision than ever before. Every day that you delay investing in your daughter’s heart and life is a day you can’t get back.

5. Your daughter will reach her full potential only if she has your full support and full belief in her. If you want to leave a positive legacy, now is the time to pursue your daughter’s heart.

One more foundational point. In numerous conversations I’ve had with dads, most tell me they have “a great relationship” with their daughters. There seems to be a universal theme of positive assessment among fathers in this area. Yet it is equally common for me to hear the daughters of those same fathers tell me they’re not very close to their dads, often with tears streaming down their faces.

I fully believe that neither side is lying, in denial, or seeking to misrepresent the relationship. Instead, I’ve come to understand that men and women simply have different definitions of close.

This fact was confirmed in a 2004 national poll of 424 dads and stepdads with daughters under the age of eighteen. This study was the first of its kind to assess the condition of father-daughter relationships in our country. The researchers discovered that three-fourths of the fathers surveyed believed their relationships with their daughters were “good” or “excellent” while two-thirds of them confidently stated that they “could address difficult issues” with their girls, such as sex and sexuality. However, a nonprofit group, Dads and Daughters (DADs), conducted an unscientific online survey of daughters at the same time this study was released, and three-fourths of the daughters reported they had a “poor” or “unsatisfactory” relationship with their dad. These results point to the prevalent disparity between a father’s self-perception and the perspectives held by his daughter.

My deep desire is to help fathers build and strengthen the bridge to their daughter’s heart. Why? Because, says Joe Kelly, cofounder of DADs, “Fathers are the key to a daughter’s well-being, healthy development, and resilient self-image…and our greatest untapped natural resource.” I love this description of you dads. This really is who you are.

Several years ago I started meeting with small groups of dads with essentially one goal: To equip them to dial in to their daughters in more effective ways and then see if there was a subsequent change in their daughters, themselves, and their relationship as a result. As I said earlier, I call this The Abba Project, and over time these groups have grown. We meet once a month over the course of nine months to talk about issues their daughters face, coupled with thematic monthly assignments and scripted questions they ask their daughters in order to open up deeper dialogue. This isn’t a quick fix. It requires a long-term commitment.

I can confidently say that every dad, without exception, who has been willing to walk this journey and invest himself fully in the process has found the impact on his relationship with his daughter to be beyond what he ever could have imagined.

The following story from one of The Abba Project participants is just one out of dozens that I could have shared with you. As you can see, Andy began the project desperate for help.

My name is Andy. I’m a straightforward guy and I don’t need much to make me happy. I’ve been a firefighter for thirty-five years and am close to retirement. I am happily married and the father of five—four sons and my youngest, seventeen-year-old Meghan.

Meghan has been giving me fits for years. For some reason we tend to butt heads a lot more than I ever did with my boys. I’m at my wit’s end. Everything I do seems to make her more and more angry with me. I try to talk to her, but she ends up either yelling at me or putting up walls where she won’t talk to me despite my trying to open up a conversation.

I attempt to connect with her and sometimes it seems like it’s better if I just say nothing at all so that I don’t incite her wrath. I am convinced I’m just making it worse. If there was a way to exit stage left, I would do it. I’m honestly at a loss at this point.

I’ve only got eight more months with her in the house. On one hand, I’m done. But on the other, I really don’t want it to end this way before she heads out on her own. I’d like to join your group if you still have room. I look forward to hearing back from you. Thanks, Andy.

Andy is a full-bore “man’s man.” I’ll never forget the night his cell phone started ringing midway through the group meeting. Suddenly one of the other dads asked, “Is your ring tone an elk call?” Sure enough, it was! Andy usually had all of us laughing uproariously with his sincere inability to understand women, prompting the suggestion from the guys to get him a shirt with “Terminally Male” on the front. All this to say, if Andy could learn to be a dialed-in dad, so can you.

Andy thought he had parenting down when it came to fathering his four boys. But his confidence was at an all-time low when I first met him. And because men hate to feel incompetent, this situation with his daughter only exaggerated that fact for this frustrated dad.

Andy is like many of the dads who have been coming to my groups. He has a good heart and good intentions, yet is at the end of his rope when it comes to trying to connect with his teenage daughter. His frustration with being unable to engage her is something I am confident she feels. She then reacts by expressing anger at him for not understanding her, which prompts him to vent his anger back at her for being disrespectful. It’s a lose-lose, vicious cycle.

When the relationship between a dad and his daughter goes sideways, it usually taps into a man’s sense of being helpless. This oftentimes leads him to take a dominant stance using his position of authority. I’ve noticed that when dads are striking out with their daughters, they tend to use the power card. And we all know how that goes over. One word: bomb.

There’s a great verse in Proverbs that says “a gentle answer deflects anger” (15:1 NLT). Although this is true, dad after dad has told me that he either doesn’t like the soft approach or there is no way he can pull back his anger when his daughter’s emotions are escalating. (We’ll talk more about this later because a dad has to take the lead in de-escalating himself emotionally, or healing the relationship with his daughter won’t happen.)

Perhaps you’re not one to explode, but instead are a dad who backs up, backs down, and shuts down. Maybe you’re so exhausted and tired of the fight that you have now disengaged from connecting with your daughter at all. Checkmate. Game over.

These are common dad-daughter dynamics, especially once a daughter hits puberty. Her meltdowns start to come more frequently, and that’s when you realize you can’t fix the problem as easily as when it took one kiss to make her boo-boo all better.

I’ll let our friend Andy tell you in his own words how things changed in his house when he changed the way he interacted with Meghan.

When I came to your group, Michelle, I wasn’t expecting a whole lot. Yet I was so desperate for any tool to help our relationship that I was willing to drive an hour each way just to attend the group. At first it was a bit uncomfortable to sit there with other men I didn’t know. But the fact that we were all there simply out of love for our daughters gave us a common denominator. At least we could connect over that one thing.

I’ll never forget the day you taught us to add the words “I’m wondering” when asking our daughters a question. Prior to that, I had often said to Meghan, “Why didn’t you go to school today?” I was always met with no answer. Her wall immediately would go up, hostility oozing out of her. I hated it and yet had no idea how to change it.

So I went home and the very next day we had the exact same scenario, but this time I asked her, “Meghan, I’m wondering…why didn’t you go to school today?” To my complete surprise, she turned to me and answered my question. I couldn’t believe it. I was mostly surprised that such a simple change in me made her open up so differently with me. That tool right there was worth the price of admission.

This group has truly changed me and my relationship with my daughter. I can’t thank you enough.

Like Andy, you want a fix that works. You want to see results that lead to change. But in order for this to happen, you’ll have to be willing, with everything you’ve got, to enter this complex, confusing, unpredictable, amazing, and profound journey of fathering your daughter by first looking at yourself. If you’re willing to be challenged to find out what your daughter really wants from you, dad, then read on.

Here is my manifesto: I believe that a dad investing in his daughter’s life has the power to positively impact our culture like nothing else I know of. And I am convinced, both from personal experience and extensive supporting research, that if a dad gets on board with his daughter by intentionally and consistently pursuing her heart, it will change not only both of them, but it will change our world as we know it today.

I believe in the transformative, healing power of a dad’s love expressed through consistent pursuit of his daughter’s heart. And I have seen that when a dad gives focused attention to his daughter by dialing into her life, life-changing, powerful, and dramatic changes occur beyond anything expected or imagined.

I want you to be the action hero that you want to be and that your daughter needs you to be. The key ingredient is action. And if you’re anything like the dads I’ve interacted with, you’re ready to strengthen your relationship with your daughter and are hungry for the tools to make that happen, but you’re not always sure what to do. I am inspired by dads like you. My part is to give you what you need to succeed. Your part is to put the plan into action.

This will be hard work, but like any worthwhile project, the harder the work, the greater the value. And the harder the work, the greater the reward.

Just remember: the most important part in all of this is turning your heart (not just your head) toward your daughter.

Because your daughter didn’t come into the world with a playbook, you will be writing the playbook as she teaches you about herself through your talks with her. As we walk through this dad-daughter strengthening process, I want you to feel as if I’m right there with you, coaching you just as I do with the dads I lead in Portland, Oregon.

For starters, here’s a bit of what you can expect as we head into this journey together while you work (be sure to hold on to that word) to enhance your relationship with your daughter:

I’ve discovered that dads often underestimate how significant their role is to their daughters, particularly when they hit adolescence. (The operative word here is hit. You know what I’m talking about as you remember the abrupt impact to your life and hers when she went from a little girl to a young lady overnight.)

Your positive, invested role as her dad is vital to her health and well-being. It will enable her to become a strong, capable, wise, and empowered woman.

I know there are myriads of books on the market about being a better dad. But we don’t need more books telling us what to think. In fact, if this book merely adds to your head knowledge and sits on the shelf of your office (or even the “shelf of your mind”), I will be sorely disappointed.

This is an action book. And because knowledge without action is hollow, I want to lovingly yet boldly nudge you to action.

Clay came to our group on the first night saying, “I’m really not looking forward to all the talking I’m going to have to do.” This prompted another dad to remark, “Isn’t that why we’re doing this?” Convicted. Having one biological daughter and two stepdaughters, Clay was often overwhelmed with the female dynamics and all the talking that swirled around him. But he chose to come and learn and grow.

Clay’s oldest daughter, Julia (age twenty-four), was in Haiti during the year our group met. So when he went to visit her during spring break, he brought his Abba Project notebook with him, his questions in hand, as a way to open up deeper dialogue. He said that one day they walked on the beach and wept together as she began to tell him things she had never told him before. Julia shared that after the divorce, she was always afraid he would abandon her. Clay was shocked because in his mind he had always been there for her and had no idea she felt that way.

Clay made it safe for his adult daughter to open up. When a dad gently initiates conversation, his daughter will follow his lead.

As we make this journey together, I’m going to open up about my relationship with my dad as well. He and I have a solid relationship, but we’ve also had significant times of misunderstanding and head-bonking. I’m strong-willed and so is he. I’ll let you imagine how that’s played out over the last five decades! Let me sum it up by saying that if he and I have been able to make our relationship work, there’s hope for every one of you.

So I come to this topic of fathering from a unique vantage point, not only as the oldest of four girls (my poor dad was doused with a lot of estrogen in our house), but as a woman who has been interacting in the lives of girls and young women for over thirty-five years. I will be giving you the inside scoop on what we girls think and feel, as well as what we really want from you, our dads.

I really do want you to succeed in your role as a dad. I understand girls very well as a result of delving into the dramatic heights and murky depths of life with them over the years. Girls make sense to me. And my desire is to help decode them to you so that your daughter makes a bit more sense to you. And I’m hopeful that you’ll agree with one of the dads who joined me in this journey who said, “If I was given the choice, I would rather take advice from a woman than from a man about how to connect with my daughters.”

And though I have written this material to apply most specifically to girls in their teens and twenties, it’s an excellent foundation for dads who have younger daughters. By soaking in this material while your daughter is young, you’ll lay a solid foundation to better navigate her teenage years and beyond.

I want to challenge you here at the onset of this journey to commit to going the distance so that you end as strongly as you begin. If you build up your daughter’s hopes by starting to engage and then stop, she will experience the words of Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Girls internalize rejection very easily, and when something starts strong and then fizzles out, they interpret this as being something negative about them. Your daughter will believe she isn’t worth the investment if you pursue her but then lose enthusiasm.

As you embark on this journey to become a dialed-in dad, I suggest that you find other like-minded men and go through this material together. There is unbelievable power in a band of brothers joining the same team. I also highly recommend that you read this book with a pen in hand. I know it can be easy to let information go in one ear and out the other (because I’ve done it more times than I can count). My hope is that this book will be different from others you’ve read because of how you interact with the content. But this will happen only if it becomes a heart book and not just a head book.

Keep a workbook—highlight things you agree or disagree with, and jot down questions and thoughts that come to mind as you read. This will then provide a personal resource for dialogue with your daughter, wife, or another dad.

Use this material as a springboard for opening up dialogue with your wife, daughter, or other dads.

Write down what you learn about your daughter…about yourself…about life. (Remember: Write the playbook.)

I’m sure you noticed that I used the word write several times in the above list. This is because your own points of awareness and individual notes will be even more memorable than anything I teach you. I realize it’s not a typical guy thing to take notes, but if you do, you will capture the full benefit of this experience.

If you’re ready to actively engage your daughter’s heart with more intention and consistency, then this is the book for you. You, dad, breathe life into your daughter in a way that no one else ever can, and we’ll work together to build the confidence and skill set you need to enhance her life.

Now here is the first of many self-reflective questions I’ll be asking you to ponder throughout this expedition. You will gain the most from this book by answering these short questions at the end of each chapter.

Here at the starting line is the time to be honest with yourself about where you are with your daughter. I encourage you to take the time right now to go through this self-assessment, and then again later at the end of the journey, to provide a concrete way of evaluating the changes that take place in your relationship with your daughter. Mark the answers in your workbook.

170-180: I am strongly tuned in to my daughter’s life while consistently pursuing her heart.

140-169: Overall I am dialed in, but some areas need my attention and commitment to improve.

110-139: It’s hit or miss in terms of intentionally investing in my daughter’s life. I admit my shortcomings here without making excuses. It’s time to kick it up a notch.

60-109: I have fallen short of being a solid role model. Change has to begin with me if I want to win back my daughter’s trust and actively engage in healing her wounded heart.

If you’re like the men in my groups, you’re ready to use your score both as a gauge for where you are now as well as a guide for where you still need to focus. I’ve loved hearing dads in The Abba Project tell me that they made a copy of this self-test and put it in a prominent place to remind them of what they need to work on.

Speaking of prominent places, I was blown away when Police Chief Bret, a former Abba Project Dad, sent me a picture a year after our group ended. Placed next to his bulletproof vest, leather belt, and two guns was his Abba Project notebook, propped up as a daily reminder of the importance of investing in his three daughters. He wanted me to see that he wasn’t forgetting to dial in even after our group ended. Way to go, dad.

As you look back over the Dialed-In Dad Self-Test and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being a more tuned-in, dialed-in dad.

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time.

There’s nothing like a good statistic to reinforce a truth. Here are some numbers I’ve gathered from dads who have completed The Abba Project journey with me. Their before-and-after results speak for themselves. After nine months of intentional focus on fathering:

• 18 percent asked forgiveness after having wronged, hurt, or crushed her spirit

Challenge yourself to choose a couple of new ways to connect with your daughter as you go forward on this journey. Use lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Self-Test to guide you here.

Here’s something I’ve discovered about men: Men would rather do nothing than do it wrong.

This conclusion comes from three decades of interacting with men in various contexts and also seeing how dads tend to interact with their daughters once puberty sets in and things get way more complicated. Sound familiar?

The good news is that by reading the questions I give you to ask your daughter (see the appendix), you can’t do it wrong. If it works, then you’ll succeed because she’ll talk. And if it bombs, you can blame me and I’ll be your “fall guy”!

Seriously though, if you read the scripts I give you for your dad-daughter dates (more about these at the end of the next chapter), and then listen and engage with her, you will see that the words I put into your mouth will help you to open up dialogue in ways that are probably different than they’ve been before. Your confidence will increase as your daughter responds positively and you get it right.

Because women are from Venus and men are from Mars, it’s not your fault that you haven’t been able to figure out yet how to speak Venusian with your daughter. And though you may not have thought of this as a journey where you’re attending language school, that’s actually what you’re signing up for! And because I speak fluent Venusian, I’m going to teach you how to speak your daughter’s native tongue.

In all actuality, your daughter will teach you how to speak her native language. Every girl has her very own dialect (which those of you with more than one daughter know all too well), and she will teach you how to converse with her if you’re willing to learn. I’m simply here as your interpreter to help the process along.

I know that dads often grow weary of trying to navigate the mercurial years of their daughters’ adolescence and young adulthood because girls during those years are frequently unpredictable and confusing. Dads tend to pull away during this season of life, often leaving the heavy lifting to Mom, which leaves gaping holes in the lives of their girls.