reading

Therapists Praise Breaking Through Betrayal

“This volume deals with the subject of betrayal, and is appropriate as a self-help aid for clients. It also contains useful suggestions for therapists dealing with those who have experienced betrayal of trust of several kinds: interpersonal, familial, sexual, and financial. The steps in the healing process are well outlined and make clear that relapse is to be expected. Overlap with loss and the grief process is also well discussed.”

Lucy R. Ferguson, Ph.D., Member, AFTNC

Faculty Member and Dean Emerita, CSPP, Alliant University

“Holli Kenley brings to light aspects of betrayal with passion and storytelling, clarifying its phases and processes’ complexities and resolution. She gives perspectives on work with this tangled, distressing and often missed theme in therapy, reaching out to people with tools and resources to work through the pain of betrayal.”

Lani B. Stoner,

Marriage & Family Therapist

“With an all-encompassing definition of betrayal, Holli Kenley provides support and guidance through conflicted relationships of all kinds including institutions and destructive natural events. She helps us with empowering cognitive-behavioral methods to examine numerous losses and wounds that are often minimized or denied. She is able to guide us through the pain of awareness and feelings with compassion and insight, and develops solutions, hope and growth that is needed to go beyond the victim and survivor roles. An excellent read and powerful workbook for unresolved feelings and losses that need to be addressed in the treatment of addicts/alcoholics (and their loved-ones) in order to examine relapse triggers and will contribute to long-term sobriety.”

Melissa Yarbray, MA,

Marriage & Family Therapist, Chemical Dependency Counselor

“Holli Kenley’s Breaking Through Betrayal makes a complicated issue of dealing with betrayal easy to understand and more importantly strategies that really work to recover the peace within. Everyone has had to deal with one form of betrayal; rejection and abandonment to violations of trust or a truth that becomes a lie. Ms Kenley’s experience as therapist and her openness to share her own feelings will help anyone to move past their pain to peace.”

Gary Jeandron,

Marriage & Family Therapist

“Holli Kenley’s Breaking Through Betrayal is useful for anyone caught in self-blame, shame or repeated victimization. Though almost the antithesis of my inner-transformation approach, this empowering ‘in-control’ approach can help readers take charge, assess injury, gauge healing and find excellent strategies to protect themselves from future trauma when relating to one’s betrayer.”

Beth Hedva, Ph.D.

author of award-winning Betrayal, Trust and Forgiveness

“Are you ready to heal? Have you experienced trauma, violence, or abuse? Most of us can answer ‘yes’ to the questions above—Breaking Through Betrayal and Recovering the Peace Within can be the answer. This healing workbook is filled with guidance, sacred empathy, self-analytical exercises, and directional steps to help one begin their path to recovery from being betrayed. Holli Kenley’s book offers its reader a journey which travels from self-acknowledgement to self-forgiveness and reframing instruction to elicit creative healing. Reading Breaking Through Betrayal is a gift, read it for yourself or gift it to someone who is reaching for freedom from the pangs of betrayal.”

Barbara Sinor, Ph.D., author

Gifts From The Child Within and Tales of Addiction and Inspiration for Recovery

“This book amounts to an in-depth (possibly the first such) study of betrayal in a variety of situations and as the root cause of numerous mental health conditions and disorders. As a ‘background’ emotion, it is often overlooked by practitioners and well-meaning laymen alike. Betrayal is pernicious and all-pervasive. The author’s use of a strong vocabulary (‘dark’, ‘cancerous’) to describe it is justified: betrayal comprises the entire gamut of rejection and hurt. Nor is betrayal limited to the interpersonal realm; one can and is often betrayed by bosses, political leaders, pillars of the community, and institutions.

This book is the outcome of the author’s own experiences as a marriage and family therapist and as a person who has been betrayed by a member of her family. When autobiographical epiphany gives rise to intellectual rigor, we usually have a winner and this book is no exception: as promised by the author, it is a riveting, well-written tour of hitherto largely uncharted waters, replete with numerous case studies, a systematization of the emotional and cognitive components of betrayal and its consequences, a plethora of self-help measures, and self-evaluation questionnaires. About half the book is dedicated to recovery from betrayal. It belongs in the libraries of mental health practitioners, people who suffer or have suffered from betrayal (and who hasn’t?), and those who monitor intriguing and promising emergent ideas in psychotherapy and clinical psychology.”

Sam Vaknin, author Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited

Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering the Peace Within, 2nd Edition

Author photo by Julianna Calin

Learn more about the author at www.HolliKenley.com

From the New Horizons in Therapy Series

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Kenley, Holli, 1951- author.

Title: Breaking through betrayal : and recovering the peace within / Holli

Kenley.

Description: 2nd edition. | Ann Arbor, MI : Loving Healing Press, [2015] |

Series: New horizons in therapy series | Includes bibliographical

references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2015036067| ISBN 9781615992850 (pbk. : alk. paper) | ISBN

9781615992843 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Betrayal.

Classification: LCC BJ1500.B47 K46 2015 | DDC 158.2--dc23

LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015036067

Distributed by Ingram (USA/CAN), Bertram’s Books (UK/EU)

Published by

Loving Healing Press

5145 Pontiac Trail

Ann Arbor, MI 48105

www.LHPress.com

info@LHPress.com

Phone 888-761-6268

Fax 734-663-6861

Contents

Table of Figures

Acknowledgements

Preface

A Note to the Clinician/Counselor

Preface to the Second Edition

Introduction

How this book came about

The purpose of the book

Section I: Knowledge and Awareness

Chapter 1 – Betrayal: What is Betrayal?

Definitions and Explanations

1. An investment met with rejection and/or abandonment

2. A profound trust in someone or something that is profoundly violated

Trust as an innate emotion

Trust without the relationship component

3. A truth that becomes a lie / A belief that is shattered

Activities – Chapter 1

Chapter 2 – Betrayal: What am I Feeling and Why?

States and Truths

1. State of Confusion

2. State of Worthlessness

3. A State of Powerlessness

Exercises — Chapter 2

Activities – Chapter 2

Chapter 3 – Betrayal: To What Degree and How Long Will I Feel this Way?

The Anatomy of Betrayal

An Underlying Principle

Degree as a “length of time”

Degree as “what we gave / what was taken from us”

Degree as “what was lost”

Loss as “personal, relational, and/or material”

Loss as “inner-personal”

Occurrence = Degree of injury

Occurrence: acute or short term

Occurrence: chronic or ongoing

Occurrence: recurrent or episodic

Occurrence: multiple betrayals

Occurrence: re-injury—from self

Activities – Chapter 3

Section II: Other Recovery Considerations

Chapter 4 – Betrayal and Codependency

Activities – Chapter 4

Suggested Readings

Section III: Recovering

Chapter 6 –Recovering: Breaking Through the Bonds of Betrayal… and Beyond

Chapter 7 –Recovering Part One: Right Yourself

The work belongs to the betrayed—only the betrayed

Armed with knowledge

Fortified with understanding

Validated with truth

Activities – Chapter 7

End of Chapter – Healing Continuum

Chapter 8 –Recovering Part Two: Readiness and Rigor

Keeping a pulse on your place and position

Protecting yourself / Building a support network

Embracing the work ahead of you

Activities – Chapter 8

End of Chapter—Healing Continuum

Chapter 9 –Recovering Part Three: Revive and Restore

Subsection One: Cleansing and Cultivation of Internal and External Spaces

Cleansing and Cultivation of Internal Spaces

Cleansing and Cultivation of External Spaces

End of Subsection One: Cleansing and Cultivation of Internal and External Spaces—Healing Continuum

Subsection Two: Boundary Work—Bracing Yourself with Supportive Structures

Maintaining an awareness of your betrayal barometer

Boundary-based decision making

Betrayal-proofing your relationships

End of Subsection Two: Boundary Work—Bracing Yourself with Supportive Structures—Healing Continuum

Subsection Three: Fortifying Your Inner Tower

Breaking Free

Living Free

End of Subsection Three—Fortifying Your Inner Tower- Healing Continuum

End of Part Three

Chapter 10 –Recovering Part Four: Release and Renew

Forgiveness/Releasing

Practice releasing

Thought, stop, and replace

End of Part Four: Release and Renew—Healing Continuum

Chapter 11 – Recovering Part Five: Reframe and Refine

What will your picture be?

What will your legacy be—define or refine?

End of Part Five: Reframe and Refine—Healing Continuum

Section IV: Betrayal and Relapse

Chapter 12 – Betrayal and Relapse: Moving from Self-Betrayal to Self-Discovery

Chapter 13 – Betrayal and Relapse Part One: Redefining Relapse as Self- Betrayal

Betrayal of oneself and of one’s truths

Abandon, turn away, reject, or let go

Deny, forfeit, or compromise

Return to an unhealthy behavior, environment, or relationship

Activities – Chapter 13

End of Part One: Redefining Relapse as Self-Betrayal – Healing Continuum

Chapter 14 – Betrayal and Relapse Part Two: Unraveling Debilitating Emotions and Self-Deprecating Life Messages

What is shame?

What is shame’s role in relapse?

What are the outer layers and inner core of shame?

Inner core of shame

What are life messages? Why are they important?

Activities – Chapter 14

End of Part Two: Unraveling Debilitating Emotions and Self-Deprecating Life Messages – Healing Continuum

Chapter 15 – Betrayal and Relapse Part Three: Recognizing and Removing the Masks of Denial, Disguise, and Detachment

Mask of Denial – The Personality of Lies

Mask of Disguise – The Pretend Persona

The Mask of Detachment – Pulling away from Sources of Truth

Activities – Chapter 15

End of Part Three: Recognizing and Removing the Masks of Denial, Disguise, and Detachment – Healing Continuum

Chapter 16 – Betrayal and Relapse Part Four: Recognizing and Restoring Areas of Vulnerability

Triggers

Weak links in chain of events

Life changes, transitions, and other precipitating factors

Activities – Chapter 16

End of Part Four: Recognizing and Releasing Areas of Vulnerability - Healing Continuum

Chapter 17 – Betrayal and Relapse Part Five: Recognizing and Releasing the Restraints of Relapse

Recognizing the restraints of relapse

Releasing the restraints of relapse

Gifts of releasing

Activities – Chapter 17

End of Part Five: Recognizing and Releasing the Restraints of Relapse – Healing Continuum

Chapter 18 – Betrayal and Relapse Part Six: Reclaiming Ourselves and Rediscovering Our Truths

Replacing the old with the new

Rebuilding boundaries and fortifying them

Restoring self-work and self-worth

End of Part Six: Reclaiming Ourselves and Rediscovering Our Truths – Healing Continuum

Epilogue

Reward

About the Author

Bibliography

Index

Table of Figures

Fig. 6-1: Map of the five parts of the recovery process

Fig. 6-2: Recovering does not look like a smoothly groomed ski slope

Fig. 7-1: Right Yourself—Healing Continuum

Fig. 7-2: Right Yourself—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 8-1: Readiness and Rigor—Healing Continuum

Fig. 8-2: Readiness and Rigor—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 9-1: Subsection One—Healing Continuum

Fig. 9-2: Subsection Two—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 9-3: Subsection Two— Healing Continuum

Fig. 9-4: Betrayal Barometer

Fig. 9-5: Subsection Two—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 9-6: Subsection Three—Healing Continuum

Fig. 9-7: Subsection Three—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 10-1: Release and Renew—Healing Continuum

Fig. 10-2: Release and Renew—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 11-1: Reframe and Refine— Healing Continuum

Fig. 13-1: Redefine Relapse—Healing Continuum

Fig. 13-2: Redefine Relapse—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 14-1: Unravel Emotions and Life Message—Healing Continuum

Fig. 14-2: Unravel Emotions and Life Messages—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 15-1: Recognize and Remove Masks—Healing Continuum

Fig. 15-2: Recognize and Remove Masks—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 16-1: Recognize and Restore Areas—Healing Continuum

Fig. 16-2: Trigger Thermometer

Fig. 16-3: Recognize and Restore Areas—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 17-1: Recognize and Release Restraints—Healing Continuum

Fig. 17-2: Recognize and Release Restraints—Next Actions after Reassessment

Fig. 18-1: Reclaim and Rediscover Truths—Healing Continuum

In Loving Memory
David Joseph Miller (1987-2009)

~ The goodness in David, simply and beautifully, brought out the good in everyone ~

Acknowledgements

There is one person with whom I have always openly shared my own betrayal experiences and whose heart has always responded with unconditional regard and respect. There is one person to whom I first unveiled the ideas and thoughts behind the curtain of betrayal recovering. There is one person who listened patiently and tirelessly to every word that I wrote, again and again. There is one person whom I trusted to be brutally honest with feedback, editing, and revision, and who did so with untold precision, compassion, and insight. There is one person who has always been my strongest cheerleader, my most loyal companion and friend, and the love of my life—my husband Dan. Thank you, sweetheart, for sharing this journey with me!

There is another person from whom I probably inherited my right-brained abilities and from whom I learned to risk putting that creativity down on paper. There is one person whose perseverance and whose polished performances in all aspects of life taught me to respect my craft and to deliver the best I had to give. There is one person whom I trusted to read the first complete draft of my manuscript and whose keen eye I knew would scan for clarity, coherence, and quality of work. Thank you, Dad, for the hours of reading and editing and most importantly, for putting your paternal print on my work.

Lastly, there are so many amazing people who have come to mind during the writing of this book and for whom I have untold admiration and respect. These are people who were willing to trust their pain in the hands of another and who were willing to take the recovery journey by embracing a path of wellness and wholeness. These were everyday people who made the decision to leave the bitter taste of betrayal behind them and to better themselves because of it. For all my former clients and for those of you yet to come, I acknowledge your good work and I acknowledge you.

Preface

“The first wealth is health.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Note to the Clinician/Counselor

In Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering the Peace Within, I approach “betrayal” as a singular entity—a presenting issue with a therapeutic approach tailored specifically for recovery from it.

From my many years of practice in the areas of abuse and trauma, “betrayal” often came into the room. However, time and time again working with a multitude of presenting disorders, as the client and I peeled away the layers of pain and shame, we came face to face with “betrayal”. As I became more aware of betrayal’s ubiquitous and insidious nature, I entertained a theory of causation and challenged my recovery thinking around the idea of “it all boils down to betrayal”.

As I have continued to grow my thinking around “betrayal”, I am not suggesting “betrayal” serves as a catch-all or substitute for any disorder or presenting issue. As is the case in many professions, health care professionals are constantly being challenged by new ideas and approaches with the intent of raising the standard of care, increasing successful outcomes, and improving the lives of our clients. As a former English teacher, I remember the “waves of change” (often referred to as “fads” among educators), which were marketed as the new promise for educational reform. Many of these movements would come and go, making little or no difference on student achievement or growth. From my experience as a teacher and as a therapist, it is wise and necessary to embrace change and remain open to new ideas. At the same time, I believe it is unwise to say, “This is the cause or the remedy”, or “This is a panacea for recovery.” Therefore, when stating “it all boils down to betrayal,” I am not suggesting we should all jump on the betrayal bandwagon and discount physiological and/or psychological factors of causation and/or issues of co-morbidity.

Quite the contrary, what I am suggesting is for “betrayal” to be given some well-deserved attention. It is time to widen our lens, viewing “betrayal” as a universal experience by comprehensively examining its connotations and applications as discussed in Chapter 1: What is Betrayal? It is an opportunity to increase our understanding of betrayal’s anatomy which manifests in three distinct States of Being as thoroughly analyzed in Chapter 2: What Am I Feeling and Why? And in Chapter 3: To What Degree and How Long Will I Feel This Way?, it is the uncovering of distinct critical “underlying principles of betrayal” which affords us the opportunity to increase our awareness as to why some clients remain stuck in their betrayal experiences and why others do not.

Further, what I am suggesting is when the waters of pain are calming down within our clients or perhaps during their personal storms, clinicians and therapists take another look underneath the surface. “Betrayal” is frequently embedded within other presenting disorders or issues such as depression, addiction, grief/loss, anxiety, and anger. Because we, as health care professionals, are anxious to see our clients experience some degree of relief, we address what is in front of us—a crisis situation, a disorder ravaging an individual’s life, a relationship/family being torn apart. Of course, we must continue to do so, and yet at the same time, let’s challenge ourselves to look deeper.

Have our clients mentioned the word “betrayal”? Have we asked about it? If it has been brought into the room, have we missed it or dismissed it? And, if we have confronted “betrayal”, what have we done with it and has that been enough? Do we really know what to do with betrayal’s three deeply debilitating States of Being—Confusion, Worthlessness, and Powerlessness—and their accompanying dark destructive manifestations? And, do we possess the courage and the compassion to guide our clients through the process of “righting themselves” when their betrayal experiences tell them otherwise? Most importantly, have we acquired the knowledge of specific therapeutic strategies to do so effectively?

We can’t afford to wait any longer. Our clients are waiting to begin “Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering their Peace Within”.

Come join me. Let’s find out how. It is time.

Preface to the Second Edition

The Second Edition of Breaking Through Betrayal now includes a brand new section about the timeless issue of relapse as a form of self-betrayal. Although the word “relapse” has most often been used in the addiction literature to refer to a return to substance abuse, we expand upon its definition and application to include all forms of self-betrayal. In the new chapters 12 through 15, we connect with multiple meanings of self-betrayal and uncover its debilitating emotions, self-deprecating life messages, and the masks of denial, disguise, and detachment. In chapters 16 through 18, our discussion continues as we move out of self-betrayal by recognizing areas of vulnerability as well as releasing the restraints of relapse, positioning us in a place of renewal and rediscovery.

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”

—Charles A. Beard

Introduction

This is a book about betrayal, a dark human experience that is uninvited, unwanted, and most commonly unexpected. It is a timeless, costly, and ever-reaching experience. Almost no one is exempt from its infectious fabric. Its historic infamous fibers weave their way back even as far as the Greek gods and goddesses. The Greeks’ rich elaborate myths, based on their pantheon, are filled with tales of deception: Zeus betraying Hera, Hera betraying Zeus, Zeus along with the aid of Poseidon casting Odysseus (from Homer’s Odyssey) out to a ten-year exile from his homeland for betraying them. The Greeks at once feared and revered their gods, never knowing how, when, where, or why their loyalties to them may be tested.

The timeless myths are just as relevant today as we read them and tap into the common emotional fabric of deception. Through the threads of time, we continue to see that even Jesus was not left unscathed by betrayal, not just by a vast army of Romans or, more personally, by his own people, but more intimately by one of his loyal disciples—Judas. Those of us who know the story are both sickened and moved by its outcome and implications. Sadly, most of us can relate to the story because we have come face to face with this cancerous emotion. It can rear its ugly head at any time, in any place, and with anyone. And if it doesn’t infect us, it is probably targeting someone we know or know of. There is no sanctuary from betrayal; it touches every aspect of our lives: spiritual, relational, political, environmental, behavioral, and the list goes on.

As I write this book, the word “betrayal” is being thrown around every day, on almost every news story. Populations in the United States and around the world face both internal and external injustices being waged against them by forces out of their control. Tragically, on a daily basis, the fallout from these betrayals is seen and heard in the lost visions of its peoples.

•“We were lied to by our leaders, again. Their abuse of power is unconscionable. We are not better off than before; things are much worse.”

•“No, you are the one who is disloyal. You need to stand by the decisions made. By not doing so, it shows others we are weak and vulnerable.”

This is not a book about who is right and who is wrong, but about the depth and prevalence of betrayal in our society and about its implications for us.

•“We don’t feel safe living here anymore. Who is going to stand with us? Who is going to help us?”

•“I don’t know who to trust anymore. I have always believed that we were a government for the people and by the people. But when I don’t believe that my voice or my vote matters, I don’t see much hope anymore. We have every right to feel betrayed. Where do we turn? Who can we believe?”

Political, social, and economic violations exemplify the vast scope of betrayal, those deep dark injustices and injuries rebuking all reasoning. Betrayal is an emotional state of being, commonly felt and yet uncommonly dealt with. When betrayal is expressed, it is heard and then in the whisper of a moment, it is dismissed. It is uncomfortable and unsettling; we are uneasy to confront it. But it swarms around us daily, not just in our political and financial lives, but in our personal, relational, and professional ones as well.

•“My husband was just diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer; how could this happen to me? We are so young!”

•“My dear friend’s son was killed in a tragic car accident over the weekend. I can’t make sense out of it; he was just beginning his life.”

•“My best friend went behind my back and started dating my boyfriend. How can I ever trust anyone?”

•“I gave this job the best ten years of my life, only to be looked over for the promotion—again!”

•“The justice system did it again! That ‘scum of the earth’ walked after assaulting more young children! I’ve lost all faith in our legal system.”

•“If he hits me one more time, I swear, I’ll leave. In the meantime, I’ll try to be a better wife, or maybe he will change.”

From the vast political arena to the personal scope of our relationships and encounters, betrayal penetrates through our barriers and boundaries. Sometimes, we don’t know what is festering within us or even what to name it. And even if we do name it, we don’t know what to do with it. What we do know is that it doesn’t just go away. We hold onto the darkness and the darkness holds onto us.

How this book came about

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in the state of California. Although I have been treating clients since becoming an intern in 1998, it wasn’t until the fall of 2003 that the issue of betrayal really began to tug at me. I was practicing in a counseling center that had been established at a large church in my community. Over a period of two years, I counseled with a steady stream of clients (mostly women) who, even though they were working through their respective recovery programs, remained stuck. As their therapist, I felt frustrated that these intelligent, successful, dynamic women were debilitated, to varying degrees, by the rejection, violation, and abandonment of their unfaithful spouses. They could not fully climb out of their pits of betrayal. They were surviving, but certainly not thriving.

In the fall of 2005, I moved into private practice. In addition to my regular client load, I facilitated a codependency group. It was a closed group of women only, all of whom had experienced infidelity in their marriages and had been or were in the process of separation/divorce. During the six-month duration of the group as well as in the follow-up sessions, their anguish resurfaced time and time again.

•“How could he? Why would he choose her over his family?”

•“Don’t his children matter?”

•“I gave him everything—doesn’t that count for anything?”

•“I ‘now’ realize it was all a lie.”

•“And to make it worse, he blames me!”

•“I just want to hear him say he is sorry—or just explain why.”

Betrayal, betrayal, betrayal—the dark emotional presence penetrated the room like thick tule fog on a cold winter night. These remarkable women couldn’t get through it or past it. Betrayal remained the noose around their neck; at times, it choked them. It suffocated them. And because they couldn’t find peace or make sense out of their pain, they couldn’t fully heal. Thus, these women remained vulnerable, continuing to feel betrayed and even re-betrayed by their ex-spouses’ actions, words, and behaviors, or lack of them.

As their therapist/facilitator, I pulled out all the stops. In addition to the group process work, I gave them homework: journal assignments, grief work, anger management exercises, letters to write (to send or not), emotive-creative work—such as collages of themselves and their feelings (past and present and future)—“twelve-step” assignments (where appropriate), bibliotherapy and cinematherapy, and many other cognitive / behavioral tools that seemed timely and therapeutic. There was some degree of release and relief from the betrayal. It varied on an individual basis. Overall, I remained frustrated; they remained fragile and their spirits fragmented. The group concluded in the summer of 2006.

Throughout the ensuing year of July 2006–August 2007 of private practice, I continued to work with clients presenting a myriad of disorders. As an LMFT, I work under the umbrella of “relationship issues”. My areas of specialty include trauma/abuse (especially sexual abuse), mood and anxiety disorders, addiction and codependency issues, and spiritual and faith issues. Most of my practice is comprised of counseling individuals and couples; periodically, I work with families. Believing strongly in, and working from primarily a Cognitive Behavioral therapeutic approach (where the therapist functions in a coaching role), I have been privileged to witness clients embrace the therapeutic process and their treatment plan. And because clients were committed and worked hard, many experienced a change in their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Their relationships evolved into healthier ones; they experienced a well and more vibrant life.

At the same time, it was during this period of time that I witnessed, over and over again, clients plateau in their recovery. They reached a level of relief and well-being and then got stuck. In some cases, clients regressed and worked their way back. Others regressed and remained in their dark place.

I examined their respective treatment plans. I moved into therapeutic approaches of family-of-origin work, transference work, object-relations work, and tapped into Rogerian as well as Gestalt principles, where appropriate. I reminded myself that all this was normal—a part of the therapeutic process. I kept telling myself, “clients proceed at their pace—what is safe, what is comfortable, what their egos can handle.” But was I missing something? I thought I was, and it began to haunt me.

As I continued to reflect, think, and process the missing piece, I tapped into a personal struggle of my own. During the winter months of 2006–2007, I was deeply wounded by a family member. It was a relationship comprised of complex and complicated twists and turns. Over many years, it was strained, broken, bandaged, and then damaged again. In February 2006, it took its final turn, spiraling downward. It shook me to the core. I felt like a knife was rammed into my gut and twisted. My insides felt numb, yet nauseous. I carried around this anchor of despair inside the pit of my soul. For weeks, every day I would awake and feel the dark weight filled with anger, sadness, despair, confusion, and what-ifs. There were no answers, no remedies, just a debilitating state of being—betrayal.

Revisiting this experience allowed me open my mind and to feel the feelings again. The emotions were quick to surface as I replayed many of the exchanges in the relationship. Perhaps, this was “it”—the missing piece—betrayal. I logged the insight into my memory box. It seemed so important; I didn’t want to forget it. I didn’t have to worry; the “found” piece wouldn’t let go of me.

One late, cool evening last spring, I began straightening up my office after finishing with my client. I was exhausted. I was frustrated. Yet, I remained determined and intrigued. Over the past two weeks, I had seen a dozen or so clients presenting with various disorders/issues:

•Depression

•Bipolar

•Abuse and trauma recovery (especially sexual abuse/assault)

•Anxiety disorders

•Substance abuse and dependence

•Codependency issues

•Relationship issues: infidelity, anger management, communication problems, parenting problems, blended family issues, separation/divorce

•Grief and loss issues

Again, most were progressing well. Presenting symptoms were relieved; cognitions were more realistic and in-check; behaviors changed and were continuing to become healthier. But there was a void; there was a hole. There was a residual darkness that dwelled in the depths of some clients. Every now and then, I got a glimpse of it, or maybe I inadvertently overlooked it. Perhaps the client felt it was gone, dealt with, and in the past. Embarrassed or reluctant to speak up, it was still there, like a shadow lurking in the dark. My mind began to reel through the Rolodex of past clients. I had seen it, heard it, and been witness to it so many times. I had listened, empathized, reflected feelings, and processed pain, but it wasn’t enough.

I gathered up my belongings and stared at the soft white loveseat where individuals and couples had nestled themselves among the lavender suede throw pillows. Their faces were etched in my mind—their smiles, their tears, and their unresolved pain. I reached over and turned out the last light. The room was dark. I stood in my doorway, almost in a daze. I walked over to open the blinds on the large window across the room to let the moonlight in. But I decided against it. The room remained completely dark. For a moment, I felt lost. I found my hands feeling for the loveseat, the pillows, for things familiar and safe. As I sat down on the loveseat, I remained in the emotion and in the feeling of darkness. My mind went to my injury, the family member who had scarred my soul. The feeling became a thought, a deep and haunting thought: “This is what my clients are feeling; it is what dwells within their deepest recesses. Someone or something has injured them, injured them to their core. Darkness has penetrated their being.” I sat for several minutes as tears of release and relief made their way down my cheeks. Taking a deep, relaxing breath, I slowly made my way to the door again. I relished a sweet moment of understanding and revelation. The swirling thoughts from moments before settled down like calm water after a crashing wave. I locked my office door, went down the elevator, and then out of the building into the cool desert night. I looked up at the silky moon and the stars spoke my very mind: “Underneath the intricately and uniquely formed layers of your clients’ feelings—it all boils down to betrayal.”

The purpose of the book

The purpose of this book is to address the issue of betrayal and to give it some much-needed attention and investigation. To the say the word is no longer enough; it needs to be fully named, explained, and proclaimed! We, clinicians and clients alike, need to know what it looks like, feels like, and what to do with it. We need to explore it and examine it. We need to take apart its anatomy, educating ourselves about its meaning, prevalence, manifestations, sources, and impact on our lives. We need to get comfortable with getting acquainted with our enemy. Knowledge is the conqueror of fear; we need not to be afraid of our betrayal or betrayer anymore and what it has done or is doing to us.

The purpose of this book is to take you, the reader, on a journey—an invitation into uncharted waters to become intimately acquainted with your own experience with betrayal. At times, the process may take some real digging. The betrayal may be buried, repressed, or residing underneath a myriad of emotional and behavioral camouflage. We need to know how and when to get to it, and then what to do next? Through a series of exercises and activities at the end of each chapter, I encourage you to make your journey an interactive process, no longer sitting on the sidelines of the playing field. One thing I have learned as a therapist, teacher, and a betrayed person, is that betrayal does not just go away or heal by itself over time. While betrayal takes residence within your soul and spirit, it disrupts and interrupts your quality of life. I have witnessed hurt people who have become cynical, resentful, and bitter; others become more vulnerable, self-doubting, and thus easily re-injured; still other injured persons resort to unhealthy, destructive means to cope. And sadly, some pain-filled people invite additional harm to themselves after becoming less resistant to debilitating physical and mental illness.

Some time ago, during a counseling session, a young married mother of two sat across from me with tears streaming down her face. We had spent months working together. She was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by her older brother. She had endured the unimaginable for years; she had worked tirelessly on her recovery to become a more vibrant and whole woman. She thought she was navigating on safe ground. But recently, her mother, who had never believed the abuse took place, betrayed my client, again.

“I thought that after all this time and all the trouble my brother had had with the law, my mom would believe me. I mean, my brother has just been arrested again, after sexually abusing his girlfriend’s daughter. My mom still thinks he is innocent! She is putting up his bail money and paying for his attorney. I told her he is sick! He is guilty! I told her he did the same thing to me! All she said was to ‘get out’. She wants nothing more to do with me. How can this happen…what is wrong with her?”

My client dissolved in front of my very eyes. Betrayal had engulfed her, suffocated her, and sucked the life out of her. At this moment, the bundle of benign scar tissue that dwelled within her began to explode, fueled by the most recent injection of rejection. Clearly, our work was not done and, if left unattended, this client would succumb to the malignancy of despair.

This book is for anyone who has known betrayal and who has been left scarred from its acquaintance. My intention is, at the very least, to give your heart a rest and your spirit a repose. At the very most, I intend to provide you with knowledge and insight about the issue of betrayal along with validation of your feelings and experiences. And, I intend to provide you with tools and strategies to enable and empower you to move into a healthier, peaceful place of release, relief, and recovery.

Come join me now as we begin this journey. Get ready for a rocky but rewarding ride. Get comfortable in a soft cozy chair and grab a soothing cup of tea. Let’s dig into the first layer of betrayal and find out what it is. Let’s identify this cancerous culprit and move ahead armed in the knowledge of betrayal. It has known us far longer than we have known it; it is time to change that!