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JANE RULE
FROM OPEN ROAD MEDIA
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For Shelagh Day
Introduction
Joseph Walking
Mike Hanging
Alma Writing
Roxanne Recording
Allen Mourning
Carlotta Painting
A Biography of Jane Rule
“JOSEPH WALKING,” “MIKE HANGING,” “Alma Writing,” “Roxanne Recording,” “Allen Mourning,” “Carlotta Painting”: three men and three women in their early thirties caught in actions that define them for a moment or for a lifetime. In Contract with the World, written in the late 1970s and first published in 1980, Jane Rule undertook a bold narrative experiment: to tell a story through six characters, shifting the point of view with each chapter. Each chapter immerses the reader in the sensibility of the character who names it, we must see and feel the world through each in turn. While some of the characters already know, desire and/or loath each other, most of the links among them are serendipitous. Joseph’s therapeutic morning walks gradually create connections, if not bonds, among them. Apart from age, they have little in common except that they work at being artists or artisans; Roxanne, Allen, and Carlotta reshape the world through their unique perspective in sounds, photographs, and paint. Alma would write and Mike would sculpt, but they fail as artists. Joseph has no pretensions and instead prints or speaks the words of others. A modest man, he is overcome by the wonder of the ordinary.
Community, art, desire, the power and limits of language, the miracle of the everyday: the themes explored in this midcareer novel are hallmarks of Rule’s work and had a special resonance for Rule’s readers in 1980. By the late 1970s, newspapers such as The Body Politic in Toronto (for which Rule started writing a column in 1979) and The Gay Community News in Boston had become cultural institutions for the communities they served. And those communities were deeply invested in fiction—as a way to explore and celebrate long-repressed identities, to recover the past, and to imagine the future. Small presses were publishing new fiction that was unlikely to be accepted by mainstream presses and recovering classic lesbian texts, such as the pulp novels of Paula Christian and Ann Bannon. Contract with the World is the first of Rule’s novels to thematically incorporate gay communities, institutions, and politics. Rather than privilege gay identities and idealize community, Rule created characters, straight, gay or bisexual, who are all capable of intolerance, pettiness, and overblown egos as well as sensitivity, generosity, and genuine talent. Alma’s narcissism and class privilege shape her lesbianism as profoundly as brutality and deep-seated conventionality mark Mike’s heterosexuality.
In the novel that preceded Contract with the World, The Young in One Another’s Arms (1977), Rule had explored the importance of community-building. Individuals, especially vulnerable people, need connection and mutual support to survive. But Rule always maintains an outsider’s perspective, she goes against the grain and against the season. Groups risk developing a mob mentality, attacking anyone whose difference seems to threaten their self-definition. The loose community of outsiders in The Young in One Another’s Arms bond in resistance to brutal state power. In Contract with the World the Surrey suburbanites who attack Carlotta’s portraits of the main characters and those close to them become an unthinking beast, bent on expelling all representations of values that don’t conform to their own. Allen sees their attack, ironically, as a vindication of the power of art.
The politics of art that Allen values is the power to challenge, to confront complacency and to make us uncomfortable. Carlotta’s portraits achieve their power by presenting her stark, unflattering vision of her friends. She doesn’t try to promote a particular political view, but she tries to make the viewer look directly into the faces of others who don’t mirror them. And that, too, is the power of Contract with the World: moving from one character to another, taking the part of each one whether we like them or not, we must reexamine the hidden clauses of our own contract with the world. The reader who looks for simple affirmation will be disappointed, but the reader who is willing to risk the discomfort of self-examination and, possibly, growth will be richly rewarded.
Marilyn Schuster
Smith College
January 2005
JOSEPH RABINOWITZ WAS PUZZLED about going crazy. Describing his symptoms to a doctor who disapproved of psychiatry, Joseph was advised to walk ten miles a day to prevent manic breakdown. Since he lived less than a mile from the school where he taught industrial arts, commuting on foot did not complete the requirement, so Joseph set out at six in the morning and walked until eight-thirty, when it was time to arrive at school to set up his classes for the day.
His walking was lonely at first, except for the mute acknowledgment of joggers, nearly all male and nearly all at least ten years older than Joseph, who was twenty-five, bellies pregnant with middle age in their Adidas running suits, blue, red, or manly green, shoes to match. That Joseph could attempt to maintain his sanity in his ordinary clothes was a relief to him, and he was careful to make no particular road a habit so that only very near where he lived did he have the embarrassment of sharing the embarrassment with a familiar heart patient or health freak.
Walking did calm him. He arrived at school able to talk only enough to give adequate instructions to his students. For months he was not even tempted into excitement of the sort that used to start him babbling. His reputation as the school loony began to fade. He even acquired a new nickname, the Rabbit, used only behind his back, as “raving Rabinowitz” had been, but affectionately. Joseph knew how to teach, and he cared for his students as he did for all growing things, learning their individual habits and needs.
Once his body became accustomed to the exercise, however, he sometimes forgot he walked out of necessity and was threatened again with that old joy. The fires, robberies, and accidents which are the urban raw materials for most people’s nightmares and TV entertainments did not attract Joseph or disturb in him anything but ordinary fear and sorrow. But a child running, a light-struck cloud, a small pink shell, bloom on a dying dogwood could shock him with a wonder he needed to express or explain. He had to struggle away from speech, swallowing words as he might his gorge, and run, run until he had no breath left. One morning, walking the seawall around Stanley Park, he saw nothing more extraordinary than a gull landing on the near orange tower of Lion’s Gate Bridge, and the sickness of words was upon him.
Joseph tried to think of these attacks as something like hayfever. His friend Ann Geary could have violent spasms of sneezing, set off by things as seemingly harmless as a mouthful of stringed beans or the proximity of blooming ragweed. Joseph had even tried her antihistamines for a while. If it weren’t for the embarrassment it caused other people, Joseph might even have enjoyed himself. But just as one couldn’t teach through a prolonged fit of sneezing, Joseph couldn’t teach through attacks of words which could flow out of him suddenly at the sight of a boy locking type into the chase, hand and key together so articulate Joseph could not keep silent.
If only he had been good with words, as he was with his hands, perhaps what seemed an illness would have been a gift. What came out of him could not be called poetry unless found poetry, everything from biblical quotations to lines of popular songs, juxtaposed in a way that seemed to soil as it clarified.
John Geary, Ann’s young and dying husband, told Joseph, “You’ve got to learn to shut up.”
John kept his head shaved because his hair had begun to come out in handfuls, and he wore a bulk of clothes to conceal a skeleton daily being robbed of flesh. He did not want his two small daughters to encounter sharp edges as they climbed about him in these last months of his life, and he asked Joseph for dinner often to distract Ann from his own lack of appetite.
He looked like a convict and was, under a death sentence he no more understood than a character in Kafka. At his angriest, he would say, “Hell, I may have more time than you do.” At his gentlest, the game he liked to play was “If we had all the time in the world, Joseph, what would we do with it?”
Joseph’s honest answer would have been “Keep from going crazy from day to day just as we do now,” but instead of answering, he encouraged John in grandiose schemes, one night space travel, another, conversion of the world to solar power, harvesting of the seas.
“Do you think the world’s dying, Joseph?”
Questions like that John never asked in front of Ann or the children.
“When the pain is very bad,” Ann confided, “he sings to be sure he won’t moan.”
Joseph walked to keep from singing, sometimes now not only in the early morning but in the late afternoon as well and often on into the evening if he was not spending it with Ann and John, hundreds, gradually thousands of miles through the city of Vancouver, out into the university grant lands, down along the beach, among the dog walkers, scavengers, and natural solitaries.
On a negatively safe morning, a mist, heavy with the smoke of fall slash burning, hung low over the water, obscuring the north shore mountains. As Joseph made his way along the beach, his eyes smarting, he was composing a joyless sermon to practical men who insisted that slash burning was simply good housekeeping, a safety precaution, no hazard to health. It was a hazard to pleasure, and didn’t people have a right to protect the quality of their visual life? Joseph’s preoccupation with sharing a headache with all greater Vancouver kept him from seeing the camera until he had nearly tripped over the tripod.
“Watch it!”
Joseph looked toward the shout and saw a man of about his age, dressed in a London Fog raincoat, standing beside a car entirely wrapped in plastic.
“Is it for an ad?” Joseph asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “It’s Art.”
Joseph laughed, disconcerted and delighted at the lightly self-mocking tone in which the explanation was offered. “Is it yours?” he asked, gesturing toward the car.
“The camera is, and it’s far too expensive for you to fall over or dance with or whatever you were intending to do,” the man answered, walking toward his possession protectively.
He was tall, slightly built, uncommonly handsome, and the flirtation in his scolding made it evident to Joseph that he was homosexual. As he did with men of any other race, Joseph prepared to be particularly courteous and friendly, behavior others might have challenged as inverse prejudice, but was simply kindness overcoming timidity.
“Can you get a picture on a day like this?”
“I chose a day like this. It’s for Arts Canada. There has to be something subtle about it.”
Joseph regarded the plastic-wrapped car again in silence.
“The only problem is … I need a swimmer.”
“A swimmer?”
“Just off in the background, in his trunks, at the edge of the sea.”
“On a day like this?”
“Yes … I wonder, would you mind … that is, if you’ve got on decent shorts?”
It seemed far too outrageous a request to be anything but innocent.
Two months later there indeed was Joseph Rabinowitz, shivering in his shorts at the edge of the smoke-misted sea, just a few yards away from a car wrapped snugly in plastic, on the cover of Arts Canada.
He and Allen Dent were both looking at it and laughing at the memory and achievement of their first meeting, while Pierre served them tea in mock-indignant silence.
Joseph had been too shy in those early days of his friendship with them to tease Pierre out of sulking, and later, when he was accustomed to the moods of the household, he realized that Pierre enjoyed jealousy as some women seem to, particularly those who are minimally attractive and insecure with husbands they admire and can’t believe their good fortune to be married to. Pierre, seven years younger than Allen, found by him in a gay bar in Montreal when Pierre was sixteen, exaggerated their inequality in any way open to him. Allen was “the man,” Pierre the boy wife, adoring, dependent.
When he was convinced that Joseph was a friend rather than a rival, he confessed, “I hate Allen to tell people he picked me up in a bar. It’s so unromantic. Why couldn’t he have found me, as he found you, on a beach and picked me up and taken me home like a beautiful, fragile shell?”
It was a ridiculous and accurate image of himself, and he dressed to accent that fragility, a body as slender and small as a ten-year-old’s, eyes large and dark as the eyes in the Foster Parents’ Plan ads.
“The only way to legalize a taste for young boys is to keep an undernourished orphan,” Allen said, not only about Pierre but in front of him.
But none of Allen’s insults, delivered in the same light tone he used to mock himself or his work, seemed to trouble Pierre. What did hurt or offend him never made any sense to Joseph and seemed of no interest to Allen, who would ignore him until he decided to get over his pique without help.
A peculiarity of the relationship was that the longer Joseph knew them, the less he saw of the negative flirtation between them. It was as if they displayed all the faults they could be accused of as a testing defense, unnecessary with good friends. Instead, Joseph saw how protective Allen was of Pierre, never encouraging the great range of his timidities but reassuring him, helping him to small new self-confidences in everything from keeping a checking account to reading books.
“I’d send him back to school,” Allen confided, “but he simply couldn’t take it. He’s such a natural victim.”
Allen never talked with that kind of candid concern about his work. His increasing success as a freelance photographer, a constant source of pride for Pierre, made Allen the more self-mocking. He called himself vanity’s pimp, a political window dresser, a voyeur, a camera for hire.
“He pretends to be hard and cynical,” Pierre explained to Joseph, “but he is really very sensitive and suicidal. He cares about his work. He is a real artist, a genius.”
“I have one ambition,” Allen said on more than one occasion, “to grow up to be a dirty old man and the greatest pornographer of the century.”
Aside from his natural flirtatiousness, directed at anyone, male or female, who had not grossly offended him, Allen was, in fact, nearly a prudish man. He never told dirty jokes and was not an admirer of parts of the human bodies. His taste was for an innocence that could accommodate him, like Joseph’s.
“I do like you. Joseph,” he would say. “You never stay long enough to be a bore, and you’re the only person I know who believes what I say.”
At such statements Pierre ran thin fingers through his long dark hair, listening for criticism of himself in the praise of someone else. He liked Joseph because he could be forgiven the pleasure he gave Allen, because he stopped around even more often when Allen was away on his frequent picture-taking assignments and let Pierre brag/complain about Allen’s success and Pierre’s loneliness and neglect.
“Once, when he’d been away for a month, sailing on some rich man’s yacht, I was sure he wasn’t coming back. I was desperate, I was so lonely and frightened. I started wandering around the city—not at night, just in the daytime. I don’t really know Vancouver. He doesn’t understand why I wasn’t frightened in Montreal, but I know Montreal. I’d never get arrested in Montreal. I got busted in the men’s room at The Bay. It was awful. It cost him a terrible amount of money, and he wasn’t even angry with me. He never even let me explain, and he bought me this beautiful ring.”
It was a diamond of the sort advertised in the Hudson’s Bay department store ads under the caption “Diamonds are forever.”
Joseph didn’t mention Allen and Pierre to Ann and John, who would probably find them bizarre and unsympathetic, a symptom of Joseph’s own instability. He was, therefore, embarrassed to see that issue of Arts Canada on their coffee table. John was past saying anything about it, but Ann nodded to it and gave him a polite, puzzled look.
“The photographer’s a friend of mine. I was doing him a favor,” Joseph explained on a single note of laughter.
“How interesting,” Ann said, and she meant for him, not for herself.
“Where did you find it?”
“At the library.”
“Joseph,” John called through the conversation, “help me downstairs.”
John had an old printing press in his basement. There, before John knew he was dying, Joseph had spent hours with him, at first teaching him how to use it, then listening to him dream aloud about this archaic and at the same time revolutionary machine, by means of which he would somehow—he had not ever decided how—change the world. Over the press he had tacked the statement “He who first shortened the labor of Copyists by the device of Movable Types was disbanding hired Armies, and cashiering most Kings and Senates, and creating a whole new Democratic World: he had invented the Art of Printing.”
“Set up anything,” John said, “and let’s run it awhile. I just like the sound of it.”
Joseph took the stick and set quickly:
What I aspired to be,
And was not, comforts me.
“Nice,” John said. “Who is it?”
“Browning,” Joseph said.
Joseph lifted the chase into place, thinking how many months it had been since John was able to do it himself. Three-dimensional now only because of the number of Ann’s sweaters he wore, he could hardly sit up. Joseph adjusted the pins, pulled the wheel, and threw the switch, setting the old machine into the rhythmic motion they both loved. Then he took a stack of bookmarks to feed into it. Above the sound, he could hear John singing:
No use crying
Talking to a stranger
Naming the sorrow you’ve seen
Too many bad times, too many sad times
Nobody knows what you mean.
Joseph joined him on the chorus:
But if somehow you could
Pack up your sorrows
And give them all to me
You would lose them,
I know how to use them
Give them all to me.
And listened again:
No use rambling
Walking in the shadows
Tracking a wandering star
No one beside you, no one to hide you
And nobody knows what you are.
“But if somehow,” they sang again together, “you could pack up your sorrows …” until John sang the last sad verse alone:
No use roaming
Going by the roadside
Seeking a satisfied mind
Too many highways, too many byways
And nobody’s walking behind.
Joseph kept on working, hardly able to see, more ridiculously exposed than he had been at the edge of that autumn sea, with a friend who would be dead before there was time to laugh about it.
It was the picture on the cover of Arts Canada which was also responsible for putting Joseph back in touch with Mike Trasco, a man he had known in his student days when they were in some of the same courses in education at the University of British Columbia. Joseph answered the phone to “No shit, is that you on the cover of that magazine?”
When Joseph admitted that it was, Mike wanted to argue about it.
“I didn’t take the picture,” Joseph protested. “I just happened to be walking by.”
“In your shorts?”
Joseph laughed.
“Soft sculpture is a pile of crap.”
“Actually, it’s a car,” Joseph said.
“Listen, if you’re so big with Arts Canada, I want you to come over and see some of the stuff I’m doing.”
“I haven’t got anything to do with Arts Canada.”
“But I’m working. I’m doing the real thing.”
Unable to be rude, Joseph agreed to meet him at an unconventionally early hour at his studio—a shed in the back alley behind Trasco’s house.
Joseph walked toward his appointment before the late fall sun was up, the time of morning when only the more modest of workers waited at bus stops, carrying shopping bags and lunch kits rather than briefcases, looking cold in thin coats, coughing. He walked several blocks along the bus route, then chose a residential street where he could watch the first waking lights of family houses, listen to the thud of the morning paper against front doors and the bicycle whir of a paper boy approaching behind him. Dawn on a flat block in the district of Kitsilano was no more than a gray gradually brightening to day, windows fading into small stucco houses, like creatures up on their haunches, approached by six or eight concrete steps, painted red or green, kept forlorn company by winter-saddened hydrangeas or rhododendrons. Even the mountain ash trees had been stripped of their berries by the last migrating birds. The only leaves still falling were from alders, flat gray-green and sodden in the gutters.
Joseph was now coming into an area of new apartment blocks and old houses, each uncomfortable in the other’s presence. Mike Trasco’s was the last house left on his block, squashed between two long three-story buildings like the token filling in a bready sandwich. There was no room between his fence and his house for a walkway to the backyard, and Joseph decided against presenting himself at the front door, recalling that Mike was married, with children. He walked, instead, around the corner and approached the house from the alley, narrow and cluttered with garbage cans.
He found Mike at the door of his shed, the welcome smell of coffee coming from a pot on the wood stove.
“You are really beginning to lose your hair,” Mike greeted him with loud cheerfulness.
Joseph looked up at the vigor of Mike’s growing abundance, fiercely pruned and finely shining black, the same light of health in his black eyes. He had not seemed young even in his student days, his virility so accustomed that there was nothing of the boy left in him. He was the sort of man who would be in his prime for years before he suddenly, unaccountably, shrank into age. And what he observed of Joseph was true. At twenty-seven he had begun to move from boyhood into middle age, having inherited the nearly colorless fairness of his English mother, nothing but a tendency to stoop from his Jewish father. Mike Trasco lived in a season Joseph would never experience.
The mug of coffee Mike thrust at him warmed his hands and made him feel oddly, domestically welcomed in the clutter of the shed, where the only places to sit were on stacks of lumber or metal.
“There’s nothing here,” Mike explained. “I haven’t got the room,” and he glared as he looked around at the limits of his space. “But I’ve got some drawings and some models, to give you an idea anyway. I’m trying to get it together to rent real space, but the price on it these days! Guys talk in square feet like they thought they meant quarter acres.”
He had got out a large notebook and was flipping through it energetically.
“Are you teaching these days?” Joseph asked.
“No, I’m not cut out for it, you know. I haven’t got the patience. Your own kids, you can belt them one when they need it. The punks I had to deal with … no way. Here we are. Now just take a look at this to get an idea.”
Joseph moved close to Mike in order to see what he was looking at. It was characteristic of Mike not to be able to give space even in such a circumstance. What Joseph saw, peering around Mike’s large shoulder, was what looked like a plan for something part bench, part fence, part boat.
“Wood?” he asked.
“Yeah, clean lines but my own.” Mike frowned. “Now that’s something to look at, to recognize. That outsized garbage bag on the Arts Canada cover, it’s a woman’s work. I could tell in a minute, didn’t even have to look. They’re all doing monumental domestic crap. Soft sculpture! It’s a joke! Now look, look at this one.”
Again Mike blocked Joseph’s view, but what part of the drawing he could see looked like a pile of discarded desk chairs.
“Do you find them or build them?” Joseph asked.
“Built them. Things don’t need to be rescued. Found art is bullshit. Form has to be rescued from usefulness.”
“You must have to be quite a carpenter.”
Mike turned at Joseph and glared.
Joseph’s one note of laughter ended high and hopeful.
“A carpenter builds things. A sculptor builds objects of art.”
“I only meant … the same tools.”
There was a timid rattle of the door latch.
“What is it?” Mike shouted.
The door opened, and a boy of about four came in. “Time to eat.”
“Oh.” Mike looked undecidedly at his sketchbook, then closed it and shoved it away. “Come eat.”
“Thanks, I’ve had breakfast,” Joseph explained. “I need to be getting along to school.”
“At seven o’clock?”
“It’s over an hour’s walk.”
“Take a bus, for Christ’s sake,” Mike said, a compelling hand on Joseph’s shoulder. “And at least have another cup of coffee.”
Joseph did not want to meet Mike’s wife because he did not want to see Mike being a husband and father, but, short of explaining the necessity of his walking, which he would not do, he had no ready excuse.
Not until he actually met Alma did Joseph realize he had in his imagination married Mike to quite another kind of woman. Alma was tall, ample-bodied, with a Nordic fairness as shining as Mike’s Polish darkness. What surprised Joseph was not her good looks but her intimidating confidence and its effect on Mike.
Mike Trasco, who had seemed to Joseph grandly, confidently male, became in the presence of his wife blunderingly assertive, behavior she tolerated alternately with amused condescension and superior scorn. She didn’t shout at him, “Polack! Barbarian!” She hardly spoke to him at all. But her northern eyes, as cold and clear as a well-below-freezing sky, and the serene planes of her face locked him out of her approval with finality. After fifteen minutes in her company, Mike’s eyes took on a look of stunned rage. Joseph, who had not before felt in enough sympathy with him to seek him out, became, because of that look, Mike’s friend.
Joseph did not dislike Alma, and it would have been impossible at that first meeting to disapprove of her. She did not charm, but her presence had to be admired, calm at the center of all that masculine noise, from squalling one-year-old in his high chair to bellowing husband at the foot of the table.
“Why in hell call me in if the meal’s not on the table?”
Shortly she placed a plate before him, mounded with slices of rare roast beef, two stuffed baked potatoes, green beans, and sliced tomatoes. She and the two children were having an ordinary breakfast of fruit juice and boiled eggs. Joseph had accepted a glass of orange juice rather than coffee, which he nearly spilled at the moment Mike’s hand slammed down on the tray of the baby’s high chair and he shouted, “Eat! Don’t dream. You can sleep after breakfast.” The four-year-old did not look up from his egg. Alma watched her husband as if she might be attending an ethnic movie.
He seemed to Joseph a fraud of a father, of a husband, perhaps of an artist, too, with all his belligerent talk of aesthetics. But before Joseph left that breakfast hour, he had offered to lend Mike some of his own tools and to see what influence Allen Dent might have with Arts Canada.
Joseph took a bus partway back to school, sharing it with a number of students, until he saw, in a garden he looked out at while the bus was loading new passengers, the first Christmas rose. Joseph had to get off the bus and walk, even though he would be late for work.
He did not discover for some weeks that Mike’s extraordinary breakfast was really his dinner. He worked at a downtown nightclub as doorman and bouncer six nights a week, came home at three or four in the morning, and worked at sketches and models for sculpture until Alma got up and cooked him a meal sometime between six and seven in the morning. He slept through the late morning and afternoon.
What puzzled Joseph for a time was the apparent material comfort in the house when Mike was obviously pressed for funds. Mike, who could rail at nearly anything his wife or children did, never commented on the good china and glassware that were used every day on a handsome dining-room table, the good-looking clothes his children wore, the expensive toys that blocked the front walk, the English baby carriage. The things that surrounded Mike, aside from the shell of the house, were as unlikely as his wife.
Finally Mike confessed, “I pay the rent. I put the food on the table. If Alma’s parents want to clutter up the place with their sort of junk, it’s all right with me.”
For Joseph it was disappointing to have so simple an explanation not only for the mystery of the things in the house but for Alma’s sense of superiority. He was immediately less impressed by her and more critical, silently taking sides with Mike even at his belligerent worst.
“It’s easier to dislike the rich than to make money,” Allen Dent observed, having chosen for Alma the moment he met the Trascos.
“It’s easier to dislike the straights than to be one,” Pierre countered; for him no man as beautiful to look at as Mike could be basically bad. “You’re jealous.”
“I’m incapable of jealousy, and in this case you’re fawning over the classic castrating male. He’d kill you.”
“I don’t doubt that,” Pierre said sadly.
“I can’t abide people who are serious about their work,” Allen said, “particularly if they’re bad at it.”
“Is he bad at it?” Joseph asked.
“Well … no,” Allen admitted, “but he might as well be since he can’t be great.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s all he wants,” Allen said. “Why do you think he married a woman like Alma?”
“Are you going to help him?” Joseph asked. “Can you?”
“It would be unkind,” Allen said.
“Love is,” Pierre said.
Allen ignored the remark. Joseph wasn’t sure how much of a teasing cliché it was, how much a real message.
“Well, I’ll see,” Allen said, “but as I told him, he’s got to build something first, not just a model.”
As he walked with Mike down among the warehouses on the Vancouver waterfront, looking for space, Joseph’s concern for his friend shifted from pity to pleasure. In this neighborhood, Mike’s muscular swagger and big voice were natural to him and right for his friends there. He returned quick jabs to the shoulder with men half his size and laughed at every greeting. Here was the only place Joseph saw Mike diffident before men twice his age, who embraced him and said things like: “Look at the head of hair on him! Look at those shoulders!”
These were the streets on which Mike had grown up, and though the houses had long since been torn down and the women had disappeared, many of the men stayed on to work as loaders and drivers.
“Maybe I shouldn’t come back here,” Mike said, “not to work, I mean.”
But it was here he could make deals of the sort he understood, reductions in rent for a few heisted bottles, traded goods and favors among people he knew just how far he could trust. If he felt too at home to work as hard as he might have under the eyes of his skeptical wife, distractions made him cheerful. The jokes he could not put up with from anyone else didn’t threaten his status here. So he finally settled on space in a warehouse right by the water.
There Mike began to build from the first sketch he had shown Joseph, proceeding as any boatbuilder might at first, so that he had to tolerate only jokes about the seaworthiness of his efforts. With his childhood friends Mike didn’t argue that what he made must be redeemed from worth, but they saw it happen before their eyes, a prow turning into a fence, turning into a bench.
“Now don’t bullshit me, Mike. What is it?”
Mike laughed loudly and happily.
But to Joseph, who preferred to drop in on Mike at the warehouse now, he would talk earnestly, ideas patched together from old notes taken in an art history course ten years ago. However he put it, with whatever historical authority and elegant terminology, all Joseph could gather from it was that art for Mike must have one quality, one virtue: it must be useless.
Joseph was not argumentative. He was often drawn to people for the contradictions they offered to his own life or way of thinking. Because Joseph cared about a thing first for its function, then for its beauty, he found Mike’s disdain for either as attractive as his hair.
“If you don’t know how to envy, how can you think?” Allen asked one day.
Joseph, walking, wondered if he ever did think, properly in the sense Allen meant. Joseph’s habit of mind was to wonder or daydream. Any systematic process was toward a solution to a particular problem, and he did that as a way to avoid thinking … or feeling. Envy? The only person Joseph had ever envied was himself when language charged through him and words flashed out of him and fell like burning flowers.
Allen envied nearly everyone for what he scorned in them and in himself, sexual appetite and worldly ambition.
“If I were not essentially frivolous, I would have been a monk,” Allen was fond of saying, at which Pierre would giggle.
“Are you religious?” Joseph asked.
“Not at all,” Allen answered, clownishly wistful.
Pierre, alone with Joseph, said, “Allen is my religion. Sex for me is prayer.”
Joseph wondered if some women talked together as Pierre tried to talk with Joseph. He suspected not. It was not the feminine in Pierre that baffled Joseph; it was his passionate inferiority. No woman Joseph had ever known enjoyed being inferior. But children sometimes did, children of a good father, as John Geary had been.
“If I have walked seven thousand three hundred miles in the last two years and am twenty-seven years old, how many miles will I have walked by the time I’m thirty-five?” Joseph asked aloud as he walked, trying to avoid bitter questions about death. “Good fathers die is not the answer.”
Joseph mourned John Geary in his children’s faces and proposed to their mother nearly at once. Ann asked him not to buy her a ring of any sort. She became his wife with the wedding ring she had already worn for ten years, and Joseph told neither Allen and Pierre nor Mike about the ring or the wedding. None of them knew where or how he lived, and gradually he forgot to wonder whether or not that was strange since they all seemed to accept the terms of the friendship without question. He went on dropping in with the same irregular frequency, rarely staying longer than an hour, feeling as wholly there with his untold life as with his interior bones and organs.
Joseph imagined that if a novel were ever written about the household he found himself living in, he would be represented as an empty space, reserved as if for an antique chair off being mended. Energy centered on Ann, for whom life had to go on quite ordinarily. Joseph had married her for that reason. She had married him, he could only guess, because he had asked her and because it was ordinary for her to have a husband to help pay the bills and raise the children. Joseph was very grateful for the children, who took up so much space for Ann that his absences were no great deprivation for her. The only place he’d been able to fill was a place he had already had, in the basement working at the old printing press. Called to dinner, he still felt more a kindly welcomed guest than a husband. It was not Ann’s doing. Joseph had never managed to live where he lived, though he did not ever eat, make love, or sleep anywhere else.
“We don’t have to have a child,” he said to Ann. “There are two already.”
She was not listening to his words but to his desire to give her pleasure, pure pleasure.
“You’re an artist in bed,” she said to him.
He was flattered, but he was aware that he should rather have been a husband for her, a father for her children.
Occasionally he asked Ann to walk with him, but together they never went anywhere, only along the boulevards and into the grant land bush, the children trailing or kiting ahead out of sight. She took his hand sometimes, and, though he knew they looked like a settled married couple out with their children, he felt more like a high school boy, too shy in courtship to have it ever come to anything. Some months ago her mother had come to visit and had taken photographs. Joseph was surprised to find his own image among them, there on the summer lawn. Ann kept one of the pictures of the four of them tucked into her dressing-table mirror. There was no picture of John, even in the children’s rooms. But Joseph knew he still returned to her and to the children in their dreams. Joseph could not rid himself of the expectation of his resurrection and return. But it was not John’s place Joseph could not fill. It was his own there by her side, though he loved her. He walked and walked away to Allen and Pierre, to Mike, or to Mike and Alma, a household so substantial, so real in its tensions and noise, everyone from squalling baby to bellowing husband present compared to himself and the woman and children he went home to, but never mentioned.
Not even to Carlotta, whom he had met under circumstances which might have compelled him to explain if it weren’t always so easy for him to signal detachment. Alma had introduced them with the candid suggestion that they might appreciate each other. Alma and Carlotta were old friends, important to each other, and therefore Carlotta was a problem for Mike, which he tried to solve by alternately baiting and propositioning her.
“Narcissist, onanist,” he taunted at the series of self-portraits she had painted.
“They sell,” she answered wryly.
“Whore!”
She smiled, and so did Mike.
Joseph was meant to distract them from each other, and he was able to, sometimes by asking Mike to show him a new wrench or saw in his shed, so that Alma and Carlotta could enjoy their long psychiatric conversations in peace, sometimes offering to walk Carlotta home, for she lived only a few blocks away in a single large room at the top of an old house, whose north windows overlooked the city, sea, and mountains.
After several months, Carlotta’s place was another of his stops, domestically the most peaceful, for she lived resolutely alone and let him intrude only because she knew he would not stay long. Her basic reluctance to have visitors made Joseph thoughtful to bring a small present or observation to please her, and that was easy because she was both poor and quick-witted.
“We are all twenty-nine years old,” Joseph said one day, standing at Carlotta’s door, holding out a yellow plastic bucket in which two crabs clicked and bubbled.
“Where did those come from?” Carlotta asked, making no gesture to accept them.
“From Mike. He sets a trap down next to his warehouse.”
“I don’t accept presents from Mike.”
“But now they are from me.”
“Why don’t you take them to Alma?”
“Not enough for the family. Anyway, she doesn’t like them. She’s a cook who can’t kill.”
“It’s only practice for the main event,” Carlotta said, taking the bucket from him. “Come in.”
The dark, narrow staircase smelled of paint even more than Carlotta’s room because the windows were nearly always open. Joseph approached the painting on the easel as if it were a person to be greeted and stood some time before it while Carlotta drew water and put the pot on the stove.
“Whose skeleton is this?” he asked.
“Mine.”
“Have you really broken that many bones?”
“In my dreams.”
“Everyone is also crazy,” Joseph said, adding a single note of laughter.
Carlotta turned toward him, her beaked face fierce. “I have finally told Alma there is no such thing as therapeutic art. It’s not a category, it’s a denigration.”
“What did she say?”
“She said, ‘Did you remember to eat breakfast this morning?’”
“Had you?”
“I couldn’t remember,” Carlotta answered irritably. “I think the only thing that really keeps me from killing myself is that I’m too absentminded to manage it.”
“There’s starvation,” Joseph said. “Shall I put the crabs in?”
“No, it’s a pleasure.”
Joseph watched her reach into the bucket, her long, unnaturally thin arm as rigidly strong as something made of metal, the armored, flailing crab more like an appropriate appendage than an adversary. She plunged it into the boiling water as if it were some revolting part of herself. The second crab, warned, clamped a claw on the rim of the pot and threw itself onto its back on an unheated burner.
“Shit!”
“I’ll do it,” Joseph said.
He was cautious, could even have been accused of reverence, as he lifted the second crab into the pot, discovering that one of its claws had broken off in its attempt to escape. He dropped it separately into the water.
“It could have grown another,” he observed, “given the chance.”
“I’m surprised they’re both male,” Carlotta said, and continued over Joseph’s laugh, “I’d think Mike would be pitching all the males back and keeping the females for eating.”
“He’s not a killer,” Joseph said.
“Just dangerously deluded. He doesn’t know the difference between stone or wood or metal and human flesh, and that’s not healthy for a sculptor.”
“Oh, come, he never took a knife to Alma, did he?”
“His prick … the same difference.”
“A woman can be … hard as stone.”
“Harder,” Carlotta said. “We have to be; otherwise, all of you try to carve us into your own needs.”
“Do I?” he wondered, then turned away from her studying look and asked, “Have you got any butter?”
“I think so. Look in the cupboard.”
There was no refrigerator. Carlotta kept the place so cold that it wasn’t necessary except in high summer, a time she was often fasting. Joseph found an unopened quarter of a pound of butter and a loaf of bread in a health food store wrapper. There were also two tomatoes and an unopened can of condensed milk and several packages of Japanese dried soups.
He carefully ladled some of the crab water into a mug to make soup, then sloshed the rest into the sink to clear it of a streak of black paint floating in a pool of turpentine so that the crabs could be safely cleaned there. He did not ask permission to do that job. Carlotta took the mug of soup and watched him through the steam of it, held always close to her mouth.
“Red’s the color of death in Japan,” she said.
Joseph gently inserted a thumb at the base of the red back shell and eased it off the body and legs, then let the force of the cold water clean the crab. He did not break it apart so much as disassemble it, leg by leg, like a mechanical toy whose parts could be put away to build something else another day. Only the body had to be snapped in half, and Joseph did that last and quickly.
“Are we all really twenty-nine?” Carlotta asked.
“Yes,” Joseph said, beginning on the second crab, “about to embark on the terrible decade. You, Mike, Alma, Allen, and I, all of us.” His excluding of Ann was factual; she was already thirty-one.
“I’ve never liked people my own age,” Carlotta said. “That’s what made school so awful, sitting in a room with thirty-five other people whose teeth all fell out at the same time.”
“It doesn’t teach compassion,” Joseph said.
“Aren’t you going to eat some of this?”
“No,” he said, “no, I’m not.”
Joseph had walked only five miles that day, slogging, slipping work in the melting of the first snow. Vancouver was a city that pretended real winter never came there, and very few of its residents were willing to take garden spades to their share of the sidewalk. Postmen and milkmen and Joseph galoshed along in one another’s tracks, making the footprints that would freeze and break incautious bones a few days later, for old people came out like snowdrops on a mild January day.
For Joseph the cold was like a sedative, as if the flow of words were a shallow stream easily frozen, and he could look in winter at sights that would drown him in words in another season: a raccoon high in the bare branches of a maple on the corner of Second Avenue and Sasamat, a lone child skidding down the hill on the lid of a garbage can, as if his mind could skate on the hard surface of hibernating hysteria. Everyone with allergies loves winter.
“Why don’t you ever stay long enough to thaw out?” Pierre asked him, pouring out a cup of tea.
“I’d talk too much,” Joseph confessed.
“You? You never do anything but listen. Allen says there’s something wrong with you: kindness.”
But it took Joseph no effort to deflect Pierre’s interest from himself to Allen, away at the moment photographing champion Canadian skiers.
“When it has anything to do with athletics, I’m terrified. All these gay people coming out, writing books about it—even football players! Allen says muscles revolt him and only people like me are in danger of gang rape.”
“But aren’t you glad … or at least reassured that people can begin to be more open?”
“As Allen says, it’s like going around with your fly undone.” Joseph would no more argue with Pierre about homosexuality than he would with Mike about art or Carlotta about suicide. All his friends seemed to wear attitudes like name tags, means of identity rather than principle. It was the same with the political parties they supported or actually belonged to. Mike belonged to the New Democratic Party because of his working-class background rather than his socialist convictions. Carlotta was really to the left of the New Democratic party but tolerated it on the ground that a country like Canada could never manage a revolution. Alma was a Liberal to maintain social superiority and annoy Mike. All the nicest people were Liberals. Allen voted Conservative out of affected cynicism to serve his own vices. Pierre? He believed in the federal government of whatever party, in Canadian unity because, he explained, “I have embraced my enemy and become his adoring slave.” With such a view Pierre would no longer be safe on the separatist streets of Montreal, but he hadn’t been in Quebec for five years. Joseph himself was the worst sort of liberal, a naïve humanist who hoped for rather than believed in anything. Ann was his companion in that. They all had outgrown what they knew without knowing anything else.
To be an insignificant man in an insignificant place who could carry such ordinary responsibilities as a job and a mortgage was for Joseph a protective coloring that kept him out of the eye of the eagle, for he had no desire to be claimed for a heroic or melodramatic death in service of his country or his own imagination. But insignificance did not keep him from being a man hunted by songbirds and flowers.
“How do you laugh like that?” Roxanne demanded the moment Allen introduced her to Joseph.
“Like what?” Joseph asked.
“Just the one note, somewhere between a cough and a coo.”
Joseph shrugged and turned away to let Pierre help him unwind out of his layer of woolen protection.
“He’s really a bird,” Pierre explained, instead, “a gull Allen found on the beach. See … ?” He demonstrated, pulling off Joseph’s cap. “Even his hair is like feathers.”
Joseph could imagine it was so, the fair, thinning tufts damp against his scalp, but in no way as remarkable as the head of hair on this young woman, who, as fine and frail-bodied as Pierre, suddenly bloomed like a sunflower into a stiff mass of tight yellow curls.
“I found her in a record shop on Granville … working there,” Allen explained later. “I’ve thought for a long time that Pierre needed a playmate.”
So Allen had brought her home as if she were some kind of nearly life-sized doll, to please his boy wife. She did. Her size delighted Pierre, and the flatness of her chest, which she displayed in transparent shirts or skintight tank tops with as much vanity as Pierre. Her hair enchanted him, so soft to touch and yet so resistant to any taming. She had small blue eyes, a wide mouth, and a set of large good teeth which belonged in a far larger face. She carried herself with a stiff grace which, along with her diminutive size and extraordinary hair, made her seem the more unreal, as if at least some parts of her animation were mechanical.
Joseph was at first shy of her, and it disappointed him to find her so often there when he dropped by, opening the door to him like a jack-in-the-box. If only Pierre was at home, the two of them would be involved in a project or game of some sort, often requiring the swapping of clothes. Roxanne was teaching Pierre to sew. He was teaching her to cook. Pierre tried to involve Joseph, but he could find no place in their play. Though he was glad for Pierre to find him now so seldom alone or lonely, Joseph was apt to check for signs of Allen’s presence before he rang the bell.