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© 2017 Jillian Pransky
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Freelance designer: Ariana Abud
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ISBN 978–1–62336–856–2 hardcover
ISBN 978–1–62336–857–9 e-book
We inspire health, healing, happiness, and love in the world.
Starting with you.
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FOR MY MOM AND DAD,
PHYLLIS, AND PAUL.
THANK YOU.
Introduction
CHAPTER ONE
Welcome
CHAPTER TWO
Let Yourself Land
CHAPTER THREE
Being Here
CHAPTER FOUR
How We Hold
CHAPTER FIVE
Making Space
CHAPTER SIX
Listening Softly
CHAPTER SEVEN
Listening Deeply
CHAPTER EIGHT
Listening Bravely
CHAPTER NINE
Listening Again and Again and Again
CHAPTER TEN
A Deep Listening Practice: Putting It All Together
How to Prepare for Your Practice
Acknowledgments
About the Author
You are not a drop in the ocean.
You are the entire ocean in a drop.
—RUMI
Deep Listening is the process of truly connecting to ourselves and our lives. It isn’t so much a specific technique as it is an approach to how we receive and respond to ourselves and others.
Over the past 25 years, Deep Listening has helped me recover from injuries, illness, and grief. It has helped me better understand my challenging relationships and become closer to the people who are important to me. And through teaching this practice, I’ve discovered a number of things. Namely:
Most of us are used to living life as a series of reactions to what’s going on around us.
Most of us feel stressed and overwhelmed much of the time.
Most of us live with tension in our body that is wreaking havoc on our health.
Most of us suffer from anxiety and don’t know why it arises.
Most of us carry around powerful emotional narratives—the “stories” we tell ourselves about our undigested pain—and we’re not sure how to heal those hurts from the past.
Most of us don’t understand how to change the habits that keep us stuck.
And most of us don’t know how to be gentle, kind, and compassionate with ourselves—the conditions that allow us to evolve.
The more I’ve learned about how our bodies work, how our minds work, and how stress is at the root of so much of our fatigue, burnout, anxiety, addiction, and illness, the more I’ve been able to organically incorporate that information into my teaching.
But the truth is, stress is not really the problem. The problem is that we need to respond differently—not only to stress but to anything that makes us uncomfortable. And most of us have no idea how to do that.
Deep Listening is the habit of paying close and tender attention to our body, our mind, and our heart so we can meet our “stress” differently. This type of attention provides us with more resources and a greater capacity—physically, mentally, emotionally, and relationally—to respond calmly, clearly, and wisely, and also to engage more fully and expansively in our life.
We’re going to develop Deep Listening tools that focus on experiencing our connectedness. This feeling of connection not only changes the way we respond to stress, it actually leaves us feeling less stressed, increases the amount of joy in our life, and sets the conditions for us to evolve.
That might sound like a big promise, but it’s not. We’re designed to feel deep connections. And we are going to learn how.
Slowly and gently, we are going to develop a strong foundation that we can rest on any and every time we meet challenges in life.
After each chapter, you’ ll find a short series of practices to bring the material to life. I highly recommend trying at least a few as you move through the book. They offer a deeper understanding of the material and help us recognize all that we hold in our body and mind—and, of course, how to release it. But more important, the practices offer us a deeper understanding of ourselves.
To begin, we’re going to focus on our body and mind, exploring, little by little, the limitations that keep us from experiencing our own well-being. Later on, we’ll go deeper, using what we’ve learned to develop a practice that sets the conditions to live more openheartedly.
This work is sequential and progressive—meaning the techniques we practice early on allow us to develop the practices that come later. But the material is also interconnected. So while each practice technique can be done on its own, it’s the sum of the practices that creates the framework for us to become more calm, clear, and open. As you’ll see: Everything you do adds up.
If you’re new to a daily practice, the idea of doing something every day may seem daunting. But I encourage my students to do a little bit often rather than feel they have to take on a lot all at once. I’ve always believed that we get the best results when we work at a pace that feels right for us personally. However, my faith in how much benefit we get from small, quiet changes was solidified a few years ago through an experience I had with my son, William.
William was born with a life-threatening allergy to gluten and wheat. That means that if he ate a pretzel handed to him by a well-meaning toddler, he would stop breathing. When you have to guard your child from almost everything his friends are likely to be eating, it’s pretty terrifying. Then, when you start imagining your child away at college, having a few drinks and accidently taking a bite of a hamburger, you become completely overwhelmed.
William was so allergic that he would have an anaphylactic reaction if he were merely kissed by someone who had traces of wheat on their lips. In fact, the severity of his allergies was one of the reasons we were invited to participate in a clinical study about building tolerance to wheat.
Every other week for 2 years, William was given microscopic amounts of wheat in progressively larger doses. He started with 6 milligrams—just shy of the amount that would trigger his anaphylaxis. For context, a teaspoon of wheat is about 2,700 milligrams.
Over the course of the study, my son went from being unable to tolerate a wheat-on-the-lips kiss to being able to eat a slice of bread with no reaction.
Milligram by milligram, William grew more resilient. This was life-changing for him.
We can all change our lives this way—slowly and gently, in tiny increments.
The tools we’ll use are simple and may even be familiar to you—meditation, yoga, relaxation, mindfulness, journaling, and an “Instant Pause and Reset” technique that can be done anywhere, at any time.
These mind-body practices are designed to balance the nervous system and have been known to increase immune function, enhance the process of digestion, and set the whole body up for deep healing, growth, and repair. They also help us discover and release the tension we hold, making us more comfortable and at ease in our body. Some people report having more energy. Some say they sleep better. My students tell me they see big differences in their health, their relationships, and the choices they make day to day. These tools help us develop the skills that, over time, can actually transform our lives.
You can build your practice in your own time and based on your own interest and needs. Some people gravitate toward one single technique, such as the yoga poses. Others explore all the techniques offered in each practice section. You can work with these practices in whatever way suits you.
Taking a slow, gentle approach to your body, your mind, and your life may feel awkward at first. This may not be something you are used to, so it may require a small leap of faith on your part to believe that it will all be worthwhile.
It will.
Remember: A little + often = a lot.
The Yoga Experiences in this book are not designed as workouts. As you’ll see, we’re going to move away from an “achieving” mentality, so the point of the practices is not to get them “right” but rather to have an “experience.” Each movement is an opportunity to practice paying attention to your body in an open and nourishing way. If your ability to move is limited or your doctor does not recommend certain movements, please modify the exercises so they are appropriate for you.
I recommend reading the instructions all the way through before you begin each pose. The first few moments in a pose may feel awkward; this is normal. Take a few breaths and adjust your body, giving yourself time to feel more natural. Continue to make any micro-adjustments as you need throughout your time in a pose.
The Meditation Experiences and the Restorative Yoga Experiences can be done on their own or before or after yoga. I recommend reading the instructions all the way through before you begin.
You can do the meditations lying down, seated on the ground, or in a chair. I usually practice in a private, quiet space, but I’ve practiced meditation everywhere: on the train, at my desk, sitting in my parked car, in the doctor’s office, and even in the bathroom at family gatherings. I often set a timer for the duration I’d like to practice. I provide guidance later in the book on preparing a meditation seat.
Once you set up the restorative yoga experience, you may want to spend 5 to 15 minutes relaxing into the pose. For a guided relaxation, slowly recite the Relaxmore section into a voice recorder and listen to it during your practice. The Relaxmore offers cues to release stress and tension and also allows you to more deeply absorb the teachings. I provide guidance on preparing your props for restorative yoga.
To support your practice, I have made recordings of the meditations I offer in this book. You can find them at jillianpransky.com/deeplisteningmeditations.
In either experience, feel free to make adjustments anytime you need to feel more comfortable.
We practice on the mat so our skills become second nature in the face of stress.
The Contemplations and Journaling Prompts allow us to hear our quiet, inner voice. This voice is the seed from which long-term change becomes possible. Both practices help integrate the benefits from all our other exercises.
I recommend getting a notebook that you can devote to your journaling. Although I’ve kept a diary since I was 9 (my first one had a Snoopy cover), many of my students have never written a single journal entry. You do not need to be a “writer” to journal!
Please don’t spend time worrying about what you “should” write. If my prompts don’t resonate with you, I invite you to make up your own.
The Instant Pause and Resets allow you to quickly refresh and shift your energy. They have been one of my most treasured tools for getting calm and clear.
Let me tell you a secret: Even after more than two decades of yoga and meditation practice, I still need help centering myself when something sends me reeling. So I created these short, three-breath “resets” that I use throughout the day.
Here’s another secret: I don’t wait until I need them. I usually schedule them into my routine, maybe three times a day. In fact, on days when I know really need the extra support, I set my phone alarm every 2 hours to remind me to Pause and Reset.
Aside from a yoga mat, you may want to acquire or have a few other props on hand for the practices. I use props for support during yoga, comfort during relaxation, or to sit on during meditation. See the illustrations and instructions on how to prepare and use these props.
•Two yoga blocks. These are a worthwhile investment.
•Four yoga blankets. If you don’t have yoga blankets, beach towels will do. In some poses, large king-size bed pillows can work.
•Yoga strap. A belt or a long scarf will work, too.
If you’d like to create a weekly practice, here’s my suggestion for a place to start. You can do all of them, or pick and choose the practices that speak to you.
•Yoga: 5 to 60 minutes, four times per week
•Restorative yoga: 5 to 20 minutes, four times per week
•Meditation: 5 to 20 minutes daily
•Instant Pause and Reset: three times daily
•Contemplation and/or journaling: once per week
I’d been teaching yoga for almost 6 years when I had my first panic attack. My 34-year-old sister-in-law, Lisa, had died recently, and I’d gone to Maryland to help pack up her things. On the drive home to Hoboken, New Jersey, my arms went numb. I became dizzy and short of breath, my vision blurred, and my muscles were shaky and weak. I was sure I was having a heart attack. When I showed up at the hospital and the ER doctors diagnosed me with an anxiety attack, I argued with them. How could I be having an anxiety attack? I’m a yoga teacher.
When Lisa was 30 years old, she was diagnosed with asbestos-induced lung cancer. She was my oldest brother’s wife, and even more significant than our closeness was that she was like me. This marked the first time someone I loved who was also my own age became seriously ill.
We were both young, active professional women at the beginning of our careers, eagerly stepping into adulthood. She was a step or two ahead of me, with a husband and a baby, but otherwise her circumstances could have been mine. Like Lisa, I had an abundance of spirit and ambition—and, I assumed, plenty of time to grow into a successful life. These realizations began as small thoughts when she was diagnosed, bouncing around inside me for all the years of her illness.
In boxing up Lisa’s things—her well-worn cowboy boots, her Levi’s jean jacket, her Mickey Mouse sweatshirt—a major truth began taking root inside me: We are not really in control of our life.
I had been no stranger to family illness. My father was in the hospital regularly throughout my life with heart disease, cancers, and kidney disease. But as a family, we focused our attention on doctor appointments and home care. We never talked about how we felt or how his illness was affecting us inside. If I cried about my father, it was alone in my room.
Initially, I dealt with Lisa’s illness and death the same way: muscling through and pushing away my emotions. But my anxiety attack cracked my protective armor and revealed layers of vulnerability I had never experienced before. Suddenly, I could no longer muscle my way through anything. I felt afraid most of the time, and because I was in a constant state of anxiety, I began to see the world through a lens of fear. I was scared to ride the subway, scared to fly in a plane. Daily challenges that I used to conquer enthusiastically now made me shaky. I felt as if I were forever running away from danger.
When a major event, transition, or unexpected incident triggers a big shift in perspective, feelings we have buried for years often rise up, seemingly out of nowhere.
I now know that my panic attack was simply my first acute response to fears that I’d been living with my whole life but that only began to rise to the surface as I watched my sister-in-law’s struggle. Fear about all the ways I was not enough: not strong enough to overcome illness, not talented enough to be successful in my job, not worthy enough to be loved.
I had turned to yoga in the past to get through difficult life events, but the fear I experienced around Lisa’s death was different. And it launched the beginning of my deepest practice.
The first time I ever did yoga or meditation I was 9 years old. My mother had my brothers and me learn Transcendental Meditation, and she took me with her to yoga classes at the gym. She considered all of this “family therapy.”
I was the only one in the family who enjoyed it, but I was passionate about most things. I was a go-getter from the get-go. I became president of every club I joined. I was a dedicated athlete. Over time, I grew into a “you-can-do-it” fitness instructor and an energetic young executive.
When Lisa became ill, I had (and taught) a yoga practice that was physical and athletic, like me. I’d built my entire identity around being able to achieve things. I loved how powerful my body felt when I practiced yoga. I loved the sensations of openness and expansiveness when challenging my physical boundaries. I did headstands so I could feel mighty and successful and strong.
In the wake of Lisa’s death, I suffered from both anxiety and exhaustion. As my health faltered, I realized that the yoga practice I had created to make myself feel solid and secure was not the type of practice I needed to become a more active participant in my own well-being. It seems like someone who is the president of everything would be plenty active already, right? But I discovered that the many things I was actively pursuing all the time often did not support my health. I spent a lot of time doing and very little time being.
I think of well-being as the ability to live in a state of contentment. Contentment is a bit different from simply being happy. We usually think of happiness as dependent on a set of circumstances. Contentment, on the other hand, is not dependent on anything. It’s a sense of not needing or wanting things to be different in order to feel “okay.”
When we cultivate a sense of well-being, we are developing a relationship with ourselves that provides exactly the type of strength and security I thought I would find in mastering headstands.
Well-being is the ability to stay grounded, relaxed, and open to whatever your circumstances are. It’s the freedom to be present with whatever is going on inside or outside of you. It’s no longer suffering from the exhaustion or disappointment of trying to make everything “just right.” Spiritual teachers refer to this condition as the state of equanimity—being open to things just the way they are.
Well-being is available to anyone at any time. But, like headstands, it takes practice.
You don’t need to travel to India to find contentment. You don’t need to push yourself to “be better” or “do more” to have a sense of well-being. In fact, I invite my students to “be here” and “do less.”
We cultivate well-being by relaxing into the life that we have right now. The notion that we can live better by striving less may seem like a radical concept in this age of relentless Internet searches and the endless barrage of information that’s thrust toward us every day. It’s certainly not the type of solution we’re used to.
Fostering a sense of well-being does not require anything especially difficult. But it does require showing up and spending time with ourselves in a way we may not be accustomed to.
Showing up starts with a simple action: We pause.
Pausing is an activity that’s accomplished exactly the way you’d think—we just stop for a bit. It’s a small break that we take, on purpose, to gather ourselves.
When we pause, we take a moment to be with ourselves, right here, right now, in whatever state we’re in. We don’t have to do anything. We don’t have to feel any particular way.
Pausing gives us extra room to take things in. It allows us time to listen to ourselves before responding or reacting. We pause so we can pay attention to ourselves, to others, and to the world around us in a more open and compassionate way. It’s one of the main tools we use to release tension in our bodies and in our minds. It’s one of the most valuable skills we can develop to change habits that do not serve us.
We are going to pause a lot together through this journey. I consider it my go-to tool. Pausing is not only a useful skill for day-today living, but, as we’ll discover, it’s also an always-available activity that we can use to transform our life.
Every time I practice, the first thing I do is pause and welcome myself.
Imagine for a moment what it’s like to show up somewhere and feel welcome—really, really welcome. Imagine that moment when you truly sense how delighted someone is that you’ve arrived.
When we feel welcomed, we show up more.
There is no more powerful message we can send to ourselves than greeting ourselves with open arms.
In whatever way you’re showing up here…
wherever you may have been…
gather your whole self up
and let yourself know you’re welcome here.
Whether you’re showing up with expectations…or with fears…
whether you’re showing up in joy…or in sorrow…
take a moment to greet yourself
exactly as you are right now.
Gather yourself up and welcome all of you:
your mind, your body, your breath.
Sit for a moment and welcome yourself
along with each breath as it fills you.
Welcome your breath into your body.
Welcome your mind onto your breath.
Welcome your body into the room.
Your breath is always welcoming you.
Meet your breath with your body.
Greet your breath with your body.
Take a moment to be with your breath.
Take a moment to be with yourself.
When we feel welcomed, we show up more.
We are learning to welcome our breath into our body.
We are learning to welcome our mind onto our breath.
We are learning to create a safe space for ourselves,
so we can show up more.
Imagine being greeted by someone who would welcome you with great warmth. This could be a friend, family member, mentor, a spiritual teacher, or even a pet—anyone who you can imagine welcoming you wholeheartedly. If you had a video of this reception, what do you look like?
What would your posture be like?
What would the expression on your face be as you were greeted?
What does it feel like to be you, when you feel safe and welcomed?
This simple technique uses visualization to help you feel more welcomed and safe.
•Sit in a comfortable position on the ground or in a chair. Close your eyes, if you wish. Take a few long exhales. Notice where your body meets support.
•Envision your body as a three-story building. Now imagine an elevator inside this building. The third floor is from your crown to your shoulders. The second floor is from your shoulders to your belly. The first floor is from your belly to where your seat meets support.
•Now imagine the elevator lowering down through the center of you one flight at a time.
•Begin at the crown of your head.
•Exhale: Envision the elevator lowering from crown to shoulders. Inhale: Imagine the doors of the elevator opening, fresh air and light coming in.
•Exhale: Let your weight drain down another flight, from shoulders to belly. Feel your inhale freshen you.
•Exhale: Continue to the ground floor. Allow your body weight to lower completely into your seat and legs. The elevator doors open on your inhale, filling you with reviving breath.
•Repeat this lowering process one to three more times.
•On your last elevator exhale, allow yourself to land completely on the ground. And when the elevator doors open, imagine a dear one is there to greet you sweetly.
•Let this imagery fade and place one hand on your heart and one on your belly. Feel your breath under your hands. Stay with the feeling of your breath in your hands for a moment.
Welcome your breath with your hands.
Welcome your breath into your body.
Welcome your mind onto your breath, into your body.
Welcome yourself here, now, as you are.
•Sit for a few minutes longer, feeling yourself grounded, as you continually welcome your breath and yourself.
•To close, welcome yourself again into your seat, on the ground. Set an intention to stay with yourself as you transition out of the meditation.
You will repeatedly be pulled away from your breath by thoughts, sensations, or sounds. This is not a problem but a chance to welcome yourself back, to return to greet your breath, over and over again, into the moment.
PROPS: Two yoga blocks stacked. If needed, stack three blocks or sit on a chair and begin with the second bulleted step.
•