CONTENTS
Cover
About the Book
About the Author
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Introduction
THE WORD
Names
Questions
Words
New Words
Languages
Pronunciation
Freudian Slips
Daffynitions
Grammar & Punctuation
Literally
Idiotic Idioms
New Proverbs
Silly Similes
Mangled Metaphors
Misprints & Typos
Actual Medical Misprints
Actual Clerical Misprints
Spelling
Malapropisms
Spoonerisms
Goldwynisms
Signs & Notices
Actual Warnings
Nominal Warnings
Homophones, Eggcorns & Slips of the Ear
Mondegreens – General
Mondegreen Lyrics (Misheard Lyrics)
Misheard Musical & Song Titles
Mondegreen Christmas Carols & Songs
Film & TV Subtitles
Writer
Bad First Drafts of Famous Lines
Books
Book Titles That Didn’t Quite Make It
Autobiography
Poetry
Journalism & News
Headlines
Corrections
HUMANITY
Gender
Gay
Lesbian
Race
Attraction
Dating
Kiss
Sex
Romance
Love
Marriage
Wedding
Battle of the Sexes
Cheating
Divorce
Family – General
Family Planning
Baby
Mother
Father
Children
Sex Education
Home
Domestic Work
DIY
Class & Snobbery
Ego
Manners & Etiquette
Insults
Advice
Communication
Mistakes
Insurance Claims
Motor Insurance Claims
Learning & Lessons
Work
The Office
Awards
Winning & Losing
SPORT & LEISURE
Sport – General
Water Sports
Athletics
Basketball
Baseball
Tennis
Football
Cricket
Golf
Boxing
Motor Racing
Horse Racing
Hunting
Chess
Leisure Pursuits
Gambling
Shopping
Useless Products
Holiday
Christmas & Holidays
Party
Gifts
THE NATURAL WORLD
Animals – General
Cat
Dog
Birds
Insects
Nature
Weather
The Environment
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Culture
Art
Popular Music
Classical Music
Opera
Musical Instrument
Dance
Film & Hollywood
Shakespeare
Actors & Acting
Fame & Celebrity
Television
Radio
Comedy
SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY
Science
Astronomy
Mathematics
Statistics
Technology
Computer
Internet
Inventions
Letters & Emails
Telephone
You Can’t Argue With That!
SOCIETY & POLITICS
Politics
Politicians
Dimwit Politicians: What They Say About Them
Boris Johnson: What They Say About Him
George W. Bush in His Own Words
George W. Bush: What They Say About Him
Royalty
Crime
Police
Law & Lawyers
In Court: Actual Transcripts from Official Court Records
Doctors’ Expert Witness Statements: Actual Transcripts from Official Court Records
Lawyers’ Questions and Statements: Actual Transcripts from Official Court Records
Sentencing
Capital Punishment
Prison
Judge
War & Peace
Violence
Terrorism
The Armed Forces
Weapons
Business
Advertising
Money
Tax
Rich
Poor
Charity
TRAVEL & COUNTRIES
Geography
Travel & Tourism
Countries – General
Great Britain
Ireland
America
Transport – General
Bus
Car
Train
Air Travel
Boat
THE UNIVERSE
The World
Life
Beliefs
American Credo
Astrology & Superstition
The Supernatural
God
Religion – General
Christianity
The Bible
Biblical Howlers
Catholic
Jew
Atheist
Immortality
Afterlife
Reincarnation
History
The Future
THE BODY
Appearance – General
Hair
Height
Beauty
Ugly
Cosmetic Surgery
Fashion
Health & Medicine
Nurse – Actual Extracts from Nurses’ Exam Papers
Dentist
Doctor
Hospital
Addiction & Drugs
Alcohol – General
Wine
Drunk
Hangover
Smoking
Food & Drink
Vegetarian
Restaurant
Weight
Diet
Exercise
Disability
Retirement
Age
Death & Dying
Suicide
Funeral
Epitaph
THE BRAIN
Education
School
Teacher
Exams & Tests
School Reports
College
Intelligence
Thinking
Genius
Illogical Logic
Philosophy
Truth
Lies
THE MIND
Fear & Paranoia
Madness & Therapy
Memory
Time
Punctuality
Happiness
MISCELLANEOUS
Index
Copyright
About the Book
‘They misunderestimated me.’ – George W. Bush
Einstein said only two things are infinite – the universe and human stupidity. So in deference to the dumbing down of our culture, comes Dim Wit – a collection of the most jaw-droppingly stupid things ever said. The cast includes every famous foot-in-mouther from George W. Bush to Prince Philip, Paris Hilton to Jade Goody, not to mention hundreds of unsung idiots plucked from villages the world over.
The result is a confederacy of dunces more pro-fun than profound – a clever witticism may coax an inward smile but it takes a really stupid remark to deliver a belly laugh. So pick up Dim Wit and prepare to embrace your inner moron – it may be the smartest thing you do …
‘My grandma overheard two women talking in a doctor’s surgery. After a while, one said to the other, “Do you know, Mary, I don’t feel too well. I think I’ll go home.”’ – Robyn Jankel
‘I don’t think anyone should write his autobiography until after he’s dead.’ – Samuel Goldwyn
‘Winston Churchill? Wasn’t he the first black President of America? There’s a statue of him near me – that’s black.’ – Danielle Lloyd
About the Author
Rosemarie Jarski is a blonde of Irish-Polish parents, living in Essex. She hasn’t the foggiest why she was asked to compile this collection.
To Richard Madeley – The Gaffer
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
Will Rogers
INTRODUCTION
Mark Twain once said, ‘Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.’ But who listens to wise advice? A fool and his words are soon parted, and Dim Wit is here to prove it with a double hernia’s-worth of the dumbest things ever said.
If you’re thinking that sounds like a pretty dumb premise for a book – a trivial undertaking for the trivial-minded – you may be surprised to hear that there is a long and illustrious tradition for such collections. Gustave Flaubert, the author of Madame Bovary, compiled one, as did the celebrated American satirist, H. L. Mencken. There’s even a dedicated literary term. A collection of stupid remarks is known by the French word sottisier. The closest English translation would probably be ‘Hansard’.
The French may have supplied the word but when it comes to la stupidité, our Gallic cousins can’t hold a candle to les rosbifs. For this dubious honour we have our language to thank – or blame. Infinitely rich in words, metaphors, proverbs, similes and slang, endlessly malleable and notoriously inconsistent, the English language is fraught with linguistic traps ready to trip up the unwary at every turn. One little word out of place and you can find yourself suffering from foot and mouth disease – I mean foot in mouth disease. See what I mean?
But one man’s blunder is another man’s belly laugh, and this sottisier aims to maximise mirth by covering verbal, written and even the odd behavioural bloomer. So strewn with verbal banana skins are these pages that the book might very well be designated a ‘health and safety’ hazard. Don’t say you haven’t been warned … Mind the gaffe!
Of all the verbal mishaps, the ‘mondegreen’ is surely the most delightful. If you aren’t familiar with the term, the best way to explain it is to tell the charming story of how it came by its unusual name. The word was coined by American writer Silvia Wright. Growing up, she learned an old Scottish ballad, ‘The Bonnie Earl of Murray’, which contains the couplet:
They have slain the Earl of Murray
And laid him on the green.
But what young Silvia heard was this:
They have slain the Earl of Murray
And Lady Mondegreen.
The sad death of Lady Mondegreen touched her childish heart and it wasn’t until many years later when she encountered the poem in written form that she realised she’d misheard the words. And so the ‘mondegreen’ was born.
Relatives of Lady Mondegreen pop up in the most unexpected places and have even been known to gatecrash our cherished Christmas carols. There’s a Wayne in a manger; Round John Virgin in ‘Silent Night’ (as in, ‘Round John Virgin, mother and child’); Buddy Holly in ‘Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly’, and let’s not forget Good King Wence’s lass who looked out on the feet of heathens.
Song lyrics are the natural home of the mondegreen or, at least, they were until record companies started including the words of songs on record sleeves, thereby enabling us to discover that what we’d always known as ‘Scare a moose, scare a moose, will you do the damn tango?’ was, in fact, ‘Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the fandango?’ Not that we were any the wiser in that particular instance.
I can’t help thinking it was more fun when we had to rely on our own interpretations. As a child, I honestly believed that ‘Super Trouper’ by Abba opened with the legend: ‘I was sick and tired of everything when I called you last night from Tesco.’ What Agnetha and Frida were doing in what was in those days one of the most downmarket of British supermarkets, I didn’t like to ask, but I was gutted when I finally found out that they were actually calling from the cosmopolitan city of ’Frisco.
’Frisco schmisco, I prefer my version. And I also prefer the version of a Prince song I heard my sister belting out as it played on the car radio: ‘She wore a raspberry soufflé …’ Maybe it’s hereditary, this susceptibility to mondegreens, because my entire family suffers from it. Apropos this book, I was chatting about mondegreens with my mum and she said, ‘I’ve always wondered what the real words are to that song they do the actions to.’ ‘Agadoo?’ ‘Yes, that’s the one. I keep hearing the words as, “Push pineapple, shake the tree, push pineapple, grind coffee.”’ Mum, I hate to have to break it to you but sometimes a stupid lyric is only a stupid lyric.
I was in two minds whether to give houseroom to malapropisms, having long felt towards them the way other people feel about puns, or Céline Dion records (you know that feeling when you’re chewing the silver-paper wrapper from a chocolate bar on a tooth with a cavity?). A malapropism is a confusion of words that sound alike (think, affluent/effluent), and my antipathy dates from a school trip to see a play called The Rivals. Written by Richard Sheridan in 1775, this Restoration ‘comedy’ features the character Mrs Malaprop after whom the verbal slip is named. I vividly recall this preposterous bewigged and bepowdered old bat strutting about the stage shrieking things like this:
He is the very pine-apple of politeness!
She’s as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile!
She might know something of the contagious countries!
It gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree!
I’d been told these malapropisms were the original and the best, ‘the height of hilarity’, but they didn’t raise so much as a titter from me, or my schoolmates or, indeed, the rest of the audience for the simple reason that none of us had a blinking clue what the ‘correct’ words were. I have since noticed that when these ‘classic malapropisms’ appear in anthologies, most editors take no chances: they provide the correct word in parentheses after each malapropism. To my mind, that’s like explaining the joke. What’s the point?
Call me heretical, but the ‘immortal’ Mrs M and her clapped-out old chestnuts have been consigned to the bin marked ‘Jokes Past Their Amuse-By Date’. In their place is a selection of freshly minted malapropisms, and I can confidently say, without fear of contraception, that the only nerve they’ll hit is your funny bone. See if this hits the spot: ‘A few years ago when there was a solar eclipse in England, I overheard my neighbours wisely advising a friend not to look directly at the sun as it would burn the back of their rectums.’ Ouch. Pass the Anusol.
As Mrs Malaprop gave her name to the malapropism, so Reverend Spooner gave his name to the spoon, I mean spoonerism – a slip of the tongue in which the initial letters or sounds of two or more words are switched (think, nosy cook/cosy nook). As he was both a real-life Oxford don and man of the cloth, it might be argued that this Victorian gentleman already enjoyed an unfair advantage in the inanity stakes. Apparently he was prone to riding through the city of ‘Spreaming Dires’ on his ‘well-boiled icicle’ and addressing the students at New College thus:
You have hissed all my mystery lectures, and were caught fighting a liar in the quad. Having tasted two worms, you will leave by the next town drain.
Crikey, did no one ever think to check the level in the old buffer’s claret decanter? Let us raise our glasses to the queer old dean, I mean, dear old … dear me, it’s catching! Which of us hasn’t got our words in a mucking fuddle – especially when drink has been taken? It doesn’t help if, like me, the name of your local is the Boar’s Head: if ever there was a spoonerism waiting to happen …
But I count myself lucky. Only the taxi firm I call for a cab home at the end of a long night on the sauce is witness to my embarrassment (‘I’m red as a sheet,’ as Yogi Berra would say). Broadcasters and presenters who have a lingual malfunction have to suffer their blushes in front of an audience that may be in the millions.
Their humiliation may be compounded if their blooper is then posted on a video-sharing website such as YouTube. How many heard Nicky Campbell drop a humdinger of a spoonerism on BBC Radio 5 Live when he had to introduce the master of the Kent Hunt? How many more caught it on YouTube? As a courtesy to cybersurfers, where a blooper is available to hear or see on the net, it will be indicated by the letters ‘YT’ in the credit line. Just do a simple word-search to find the clip and savour the fluff in its full aural glory.
Whilst verbal errors are understandable – we’re only human, after all – you might think that technological advances would have all but wiped out the written error, given that most of us now use computers equipped with spellcheck and autocorrect facilities. Not a chance. Technology, far from eradicating mistakes, is actually adding to the error quotient. IT expert Sandy Reed has even coined a new word, ‘technopropism’, to describe those mistakes that occur ‘when language and the tools of technology collide’. A prime example involved a journalist on an American newspaper who autocorrected the word ‘black’ to ‘African-American’ in an article, then forgot to re-check the final copy. The published article included a description of a dog with ‘African-American spots’.
Sometimes you don’t know whether the blame lies with the computer or the person operating it. A while ago, I was on the phone to an American acquaintance and happened to mention that I’d been given a box set of Carry On films. The other day I received an email from him in which he asked if I’ve watched any of my ‘carrion movies’. Now, I’m hoping this is a technopropism because, if not, it means he actually believes I am a fan of some weird film genre dedicated to the decaying flesh of dead animals. Ooh, Matron.
When Boris Johnson was made editor of the Sextator, I mean the Spectator, one wag said it was ‘like putting a mentally defective monkey in charge of a Ming vase’. The former editor and present mayor has a starring role in this sottisier; indeed, he is the poster boy, so be prepared for the sound of much shattering of porcelain – oops, there goes another priceless pot!
Boris, ‘the thinking man’s idiot’, heads a glittering cast of Densa members that includes reality TV stars, sports commentators, high court judges as well as unsung idiots plucked from villages the world over. Together they cover the full speculum of stupidity – from the dippiness of Alice Tinker (she had a Teletubbies-themed wedding) to full-blown Jade Goody ‘fick’ (‘Men want to take her home and shag her brains in,’ as Jonathan Ross so delicately put it).
Figures from real life rub shoulders with figures from fiction. On a single page, you may find Keith Richards from The Rolling Stones batting a line to Ali G who, in turn, volleys it to Tallulah Bankhead who then smashes it to Saffy from Absolutely Fabulous. Now there’s a mixed doubles you never thought you’d ever see. Diverse as these characters are, they all occupy the same virtual space in our heads, so they sit comfortably beside each other – worryingly so, in certain cases. Take George W. Bush and Homer Simpson. Talk about bosom boobies. Cover their credit lines and you’d be hard pressed to tell whose line is whose: ‘I’m a commander guy … We’ll continue to enhance protection at … our nuclear power pants.’ Are these the words of the dumbest dunderhead in America – or Homer Simpson?
Stupid remarks both intended and unintended are given equal billing. This won’t please purist purveyors of bloomerology whose strict code requires that all slips be ‘accidental’. It’s a daft requirement, though, not only because it rules out some of the funniest lines but also because it’s impossible to police. Even when the foolish remarks are made by real people you can’t be one hundred per cent sure they were made unwittingly. And unless you were there to hear it or the event was recorded, you can’t even be sure a line was uttered by the person credited.
A case in point is Samuel Goldwyn. He was the Polish immigrant who won fame as the producer of such unforgettable Hollywood movies as Wuthering Heights, Stella Dallas and The Best Years of Our Lives (for which he won an Oscar), but these days he’s equally famous for his word-manglings known, imaginatively, as ‘Goldwynisms’. What you may not know is that many of the best Goldwynisms were dreamt up by his press agents, most notably Ben Sonnenberg. Ironically, Sonnenberg was originally hired in order to keep a lid on the mogul’s verbal goofs, which Goldwyn feared were making him a laughing stock in Tinseltown. What Sonnenberg discovered was that far from tarnishing his image, these eccentric turns of phrase were actually enhancing it. The wily publicist promptly performed a U-turn and went into production manufacturing new ones.
The upshot is, 70-odd years on, it’s virtually impossible to tell a genuine Goldwynism from a fake. That said, I do believe my own personal favourite is 24-carat Goldwyn because screenwriter Jean Negulesco swears he was there at the time. The story goes, the two were strolling in Negulesco’s garden when Goldwyn spotted something. ‘Ah, that’s my new sundial,’ says Jean. ‘Every day the sun casts a shadow from the piece of metal at the top. Since the shadow changes all through the day, you can tell what time it is.’ Goldwyn throws up his hands in astonishment. ‘My God!’ he cries. ‘What will they think of next?’
Ah, bless. ‘It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves. We love them at once for being so,’ as Jerome K. Jerome wrote. Somebody else’s blunder may give us a reassuring feeling of superiority, or an unnerving feeling of ‘There but for the grace of God go I,’ but, either way, it endears the blunderer to us by making them seem more human.
Politicians, always keen to seem more human, have cottoned on to this and the roll call of those accused of trying to wheedle their way into our affections by ‘dumbing down’ includes Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian Prime Minister, Bertie Ahern, the Irish Taoiseach and, of course, Boris Johnson, our own Mayor of London. The latter plays on his clown’s image to keep us guessing: ‘Beneath the elaborately constructed veneer of the bumbling buffoon,’ he jests, ‘there may well be a bumbling buffoon.’ As a former journalist, he is fully aware of the useful publicity such tomfoolery generates, but could it also be a skilful ruse to deflect attention away from unpopular policies and the sometimes shady shenanigans of his personal life? Certainly there are those, like Jeremy Hardy, who sense darker forces at work beneath the greasepaint grin: ‘Boris Johnson may seem like a lovable buffoon but you know he wouldn’t hesitate to line you all up against a wall and have you shot.’
There are those who would say the same thing about George W. Bush. ‘The widespread suspicion he may be a dim bulb really lets Bush off too easily,’ argues Michael Kinsley. ‘It’s not that he is incapable of thinking through the apparent contradictions in his own alleged core philosophy. It’s that he can’t be bothered.’ Jay Leno suspects a double bluff: ‘Bush is smart. I don’t think that Bush will ever be impeached, because unlike Clinton, Reagan or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn’t you believe him?’ Having spent many hours sifting the words of the President, my own feeling is that Ann Richards, herself a former Texas governor, comes closest to the truth: ‘Poor George, he can’t help it – he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.’
‘There’s no rehab for stupidity,’ as Chris Rock observes. Until such time as medical science can offer ‘brain jobs’ or ‘grey matter enhancements’, no amount of moolah can buy your way out of the idiocracy. Paris Hilton is heiress to the fortune of a famous hotel chain whose name escapes me (I’ll check my towels when I get home). She has had the best education money can buy (‘Use your spark of genius to build a better world,’ goes the motto of the private school she attended in New York, whose alumni include writer Truman Capote and artist Roy Lichtenstein). Yet despite enjoying the best blessings of existence, she will never escape her heirhead image. Whilst her detractors assure us she really is as brainless as she behaves (‘Like the state of Kansas, flat, white and easy to enter,’ quips Conan O’Brien), she and her supporters argue that it’s all part of her ‘dumb blonde’ schtick: ‘It’s not how I am, it’s the character I play.’
Having spent many hours sifting the celebutante’s words, what’s struck me is just how little she says. The common perception is that she is constantly putting her perfectly pedicured foot in her perfectly lipglossed mouth but, actually, she’s extremely guarded. Her ‘conversation’ is, for the most part, innocuous and non-committal, limited to a series of inane catchphrases, simpering squeals and grating giggles: ‘That’s hot … ewwww … soooo grosss … ha-ha hee-hee … whatever.’ What the heck does that mean? Well, it means whatever you want it to mean. And that’s the beauty of it as far as she is concerned. She is a blank slate onto which we can project our own meaning, and that, crucially, makes her ideal for marketing purposes.
Paris Hilton’s intelligence may be just a notch above that of Tinkerbell (her pet Chihuahua, not Peter Pan’s fairy friend who is wayyyyy smarter), but when it comes to marketing, the gal is nothing short of a genius. Guided by the best business brains money can buy, she has built a multi-million dollar brand with perfume, fashion and jewellery lines, book deals, nightclub franchises, reality TV series and even a starring role in a Hollywood movie – a remake of Ingmar Bergman’s Cries and Whispers. Just kidding. It’s a romantic comedy called The Hottie and the Nottie, described by one discerning critic as, ‘about as funny as anal rape’. ‘I’m laughing all the way to the bank,’ says Paris and I’m guessing she doesn’t mean Northern Rock.
Paris Hilton is frequently held up as the epitome of our dumbed-down society, which worships vapid and vacuous celebs and makes them into role models for the young. Endless surveys tell us that kids today think Hitler’s first name was ‘Heil’ and B.C. means ‘Before Cable’. But The Stupid have always been with us. Two hundred years ago an equivalent survey would have found that kids thought Nelson’s first name was Half and Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of larva.
The question is, has idiocy become the dominant force in today’s society? Have we made a cult of stupidity? In the past there was a stigma attached to stupidity but there is no longer any shame in admitting that you’ve never read a book or finished school. Stupidity is now worn like a badge of honour. It’s all the rage. ‘Stupidity is the new black!’ screams the style section of The Sunday Times like it was the latest must-have accessory. Slogans on T-shirts that used to boast ‘I’m with Stupid’ now boast ‘I am Stupid’. In The Simpsons, Lisa catalogues the cultural and intellectual decline: ‘We are a town of lowbrows, no-brows, and ignorami. We have eight malls, but no symphony; thirty-two bars but no alternative theatre; thirteen stores that begin with Le Sex …’
And now bookshops pedalling books glorifying stupidity! Without condoning what William Gaddis calls ‘the deliberate cultivation of ignorance’, perhaps there is something to be said for stupidity. Oscar Wilde certainly thought so:
There is more to be said for stupidity than people imagine.
Personally I have a great admiration for stupidity. It is a sort of fellow-feeling …
It’s true; there is a kinship. For all her fame and money, it’s easier to identify with the no-talent that is Paris Hilton than, say, the über-talented ice queen Gwyneth Paltrow whose ‘blonde moments’ are limited to two things: child-naming and choice of diet. Similarly, Princess Diana was a privileged, pampered princess, yet millions related to her because she was, as she herself put it, ‘as thick as two short planks’. She left school without any qualifications except an award for Best Kept Hamster. And across the pond, many preferred Dubya for his stumbling, ‘homespun’ speeches to ‘automatons’ like Al Gore who delivered slick and polished performances.
Stupidity is not only bonding, it’s also essential to progress. Stupid people are, by definition, those with less sense and ability to reason. But their irrationality and illogicality may be the very qualities that make them more imaginative and creative. The ability to look at the world differently, to think outside the box, is crucial to innovation. Even brainboxes acknowledge this. Albert Einstein said: ‘I never came upon any of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking.’ And another egghead, Ludwig Wittgenstein, observed: ‘If people did not sometimes do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.’
The kind of stupidity celebrated in this collection is not rank ignorance; rather, it is ‘nonsense’ in the tradition of Edward Lear and Lewis Carroll. It shares the same spirit of illogical logic, the same silly flights of fancy and the same playful delight in the quirks and quiddities of language per se. Sections like ‘Mangled Metaphors’ and ‘New Proverbs’ are delirious romps through Looking Glass territory where you can revel in the verbal pyrotechnics of the English language in all its whizz-bang vibrancy and versatility. Read it forwards or backwards, there’s not a cliché in sight. Perhaps a more appropriate subtitle for this treasury would have been ‘Adventures in Blunderland’.
‘Stupidity has its sublime as well as genius, and he who carries that quality to absurdity has reached it,’ wrote Christoph Martin Wieland. So, who achieves the ‘sublimity of stupidity’? Certainly Groucho Marx and Woody Allen, Steven Wright and, of course, Spike Milligan. These comic philosophers can say something that sounds just plain stoopid but, on further contemplation, is seen to contain a deep existential truth. Such artful artlessness is a fiendishly difficult trick to pull off, a fine balancing act where the words are tottering on a tightrope between the profound and the ridiculous.
It’s a helluva lot easier when it comes naturally – as with Lawrence ‘Yogi’ Berra. He’s a national treasure in America, fêted for his brilliance both as a baseball player for the New York Yankees and a phrase-maker. As his friend and fellow ballplayer, Joe Garagiola explains: ‘Yogi puts words together in ways nobody else would ever do. You may laugh and shake your head when Yogi says something strange like, “It ain’t over ’til it’s over,” but soon you realise what he actually said makes perfect sense. And you find yourself using his words yourself because they are, after all, the perfect way to express a particular idea.’
We all ought to keep some corner of our mind that is forever stupid. What better insulation against the woes of the world? There’s a Peanuts cartoon in which Snoopy, the beagle, is performing one of his madcap dances whilst misery-merchant Lucy looks on disapprovingly. ‘You wouldn’t be so happy if you knew about all the troubles in this world,’ she snipes. But the beagle is impervious to her doom-mongering. ‘Don’t tell me!’ he counters, skipping blithely on. ‘I don’t want to know!’ And then, ears pert and grinning widely: ‘I’m outrageously happy in my stupidity.’
That’s the smartest thing I’ve heard all day.
FOOTNOTE: If you’re wondering about the correct words to Mrs M’s malapropisms, they are: pinnacle; alligator; contiguous; hysterics. If you guessed them all correctly, you’re either fibbing or did the play for A level.
STOP PRESS! Just got home and checked the towels in my airing cupboard, so I can now reliably inform you that the name of that famous hotel chain whose fortune Paris Hilton is heir to is … M&S.
THE
WORD
NAMES
I hate ridiculous names.
Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof
WELL, NOW THAT you’re here, we may as well get to know each other. My name is Peabody. I suppose you know yours.
Mr Peabody, The Bullwinkle Show
My name’s Norman Lovett. That’s my real name, and if I had a pound for every time someone’s said, ‘Lovett? I bet you do!’ I’d have about six or seven pounds by now.
Norman Lovett
My name is Les Dawson. That’s a stage name, actually. I was christened ‘Friday Dawson’ because when my father saw me he said to my mother, ‘I think we’d better call it a day.’
Les Dawson
Are you called Cat because you bury your own poo?
Frank Skinner, to Cat Deeley
—Could I have your name?
—Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
Police officer and Kip Wilson, Bosom Buddies
I love my name. Paris is my favourite city. And Paris without the P is ‘heiress,’ isn’t it?
Paris Hilton, Confessions of an Heiress
Most people call their dogs Fergie. I’m kind of proud. You hear it in the park, ‘Fergie, come here!’
Sarah Ferguson, The Duchess of York
—Surely you can’t be serious?
—I am serious … and don’t call me Shirley.
Ted Striker and Dr Rumack, Airplane!
What’s your name, Kate?
Simon Bates, BBC Radio 1
Well, I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband’s name, so now I’m Neil Patterson.
Stephen Fry, A Bit of Fry and Laurie
—What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
—Felipe Felop.
Anon
I’ll phone up [the Hilton hotel, Paris] and say, ‘Hi, it’s Paris Hilton,’ and they’ll say, ‘Yes, this is the Paris Hilton.’ So I’m like, ‘Yes, I know, I’m Paris Hilton.’ It can go on for hours like some bad comedy film.
Paris Hilton
What if the 1972 Democratic National Committee headquarters had been located [not in the Watergate Hotel but] in the Mayflower Hotel? Journalists would think it exceedingly clever to add the word ‘flower’ to the end of any scandal: Iranflower, Whitewaterflower, Monicaflower, Flowersflower.
Jerry Pannullo
You can’t call a child Arthur! Every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Arthur.
Sam Goldwyn
I called my son Jett and I wanted to call my daughter Qantas but my wife wouldn’t let me.
John Travolta
Frank Zappa named his daughter Moon Unit. And everybody knows that’s a boy’s name.
John Hinton
Three little old ladies in a pub. The first one says, ‘I named my son Andrew because he was born on St Andrew’s Day.’ The second one says, ‘I named my son George because he was born on St George’s Day.’ And a little red-headed Scouser pipes up, ‘Eh, it’s our Pancake’s birthday next Tuesday.’
Anon
When he heard your daughter’s name was Portia, he said, ‘Why did they name her after a car?’
Wanda Gershwitz, A Fish Called Wanda
—Why did you choose Apple as a name for your little girl?
—I don’t know … we just loved it … We thought it was a unique name but we didn’t expect the media onslaught … It’s not like calling a little girl Shithouse …
—Was Shithouse on the list?
Jonathan Ross and Gwyneth Paltrow, Friday Night with Jonathan Ross
—We named our daughter ‘Goa’ after the place she was conceived.
—No prizes for guessing what her nickname will be when she grows up: ‘a right little …’
Rula and Matt, Me and Joe
—Name three English football teams with a swear word in their name.
—Arsenal, Scunthorpe and Fucking Chelsea.
Anon
That cartoon character, Asterix.
I wonder how rude his real name is.
Jimmy Carr
One was called ‘Whitey’ for no reason at all. To be fair, his name was White.
Hank Marvin
People started calling me ‘Fiery’ because ‘Fiery’ rhymes with ‘Fred’ just like ‘Typhoon’ rhymes with ‘Tyson’.
Fred Trueman
I am going to name my first wife after him.
Captain Benjamin ‘Hawkeye’ Pierce, M*A*S*H
—Shaw?
—Positive.
Gladys Flynn and George Bernard Shaw
In giving my details to a Spanish website I found that it was compulsory to give a middle name, which I lack. The best I could do was to put ‘none’ in the appropriate space. This the system recognised and helpfully translated. I now get letters addressed to David Nada Stevenson.
David Stevenson
I am the only man in the world whose first and second names are both synonyms for ‘penis’.
Peter O’Toole
Danger could be my middle name – but it’s John.
Eddie Izzard
—David Beckham has had the whole Travis Pickle hair thing going on.
—Don’t you mean Travis Bickle?
Adee Phelan and Steve Wright, Steve Wright in the Afternoon, BBC Radio 2
—Let me start with Terry. What was his full name?
—I don’t know … It was like a weird Greek name. Like Douglas.
Interviewer and Paris Hilton
I meet so many people. I don’t even know some of my friends’ names.
Paris Hilton
Forbes Phillipson-Masters … was a man who comes second only to the immortal Wayne Wanklyn in the ‘Footballers’ Silly Names Contest’. On near-deserted away terraces from Carlisle to Chester in the early eighties we would embark on a ritual which occupied most of the first half: ‘Give us an F … F! Give us an O … O!’ Not forgetting of course the obligatory ‘Give us a hyphen …’
Rupert Metcalf
A tourist once stopped to admire a North Carolina mule. He asked the mule’s owner what the animal’s name was. The farmer said, ‘I don’t know, but we call it Bill.’
Samuel James Ervin Jr
It’s a colugo or flying lemur, although this is something of a misnomer since it doesn’t actually fly and it certainly isn’t a lemur.
Sir David Attenborough, Planet Earth
We have a cat called Ben Hur. We called it Ben until it had kittens.
Sally Poplin
The reason Cookie is considered to be a risqué name for a cat is that it is short for ‘cooking fat’, which is, of course, a spoonerism.
Glyn E. Jones, on the controversy over the naming of the Blue Peter cat
Jimmy – isn’t that the name of a baby kangaroo?
Helen Adams, Big Brother 2
—A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
—Not if you called ’em stenchblossoms.
—Or crapweeds.
Lisa, Bart and Homer Simpson
I think they named the orange before the carrot.
Demetri Martin
QUESTIONS
Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
Stephen Colbert
—CAN I ASK a dumb question?
—Better than anyone else I know.
Rose Nylund and Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
—Where were you born?
—Goa.
—Goa, that wonderful former Portuguese colony. Tell me, have you ever been there?
Bob Monkhouse and contestant, Bob’s Full House
Where were you first born?
Jools Holland
—Which do you prefer, Rangers or Celtic?
—Spurs.
Interviewer and Alfie Conn, It’s Only a Game
The stupidest question I’ve ever been asked is whether Hermione Gingold is my real name. Now I just say, ‘Not really. I was born Norma Jean Baker.’
Hermione Gingold
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Barbara Walters, to Katharine Hepburn
What vegetable would your husband most like to sit on?
Bob Eubanks, quizmaster, The Newlywed Game
—Which kitchen utensil would you most like to be?
—Um … a butter knife, so I could cut and spread …
Interviewer and Nelly, US rapper
… and how long have you had this lifelong ambition?
Gary Davis
Why, why, why … I know you’re a talk-show host, but why all the questions?
Janice Dickinson, to Jonathan Ross, Friday Night with Jonathan Ross
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
Steven Wright
We’ll be asking a leading underwear manufacturer, ‘Y-fronts?’
Ken Dodd
—What grows in the marsh, baby?
—Marshmallows?
www.overhearatthebeach.com
—Ruth, tell us about this constant reference to Wales. I mean, you’ve got Myfanwy in the valleys [in ‘Little Britain’] and there’s a strong Welsh element [in ‘Gavin and Stacey’]. What is this obsession with Wales?
—SHE’S WELSH!
Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan, interviewing
actress Ruth Jones, Richard and Judy
I went to Paul McCartney’s daughter Stella’s party and who should open the door but the man himself. He was dead cool. There were all these questions I wanted to ask him but I settled on ‘Do you watch Brookside?’
Noel Gallagher, of Oasis
Do you have blacks, too?
George W. Bush, to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso
When did you start to next intend to look – let me strike that. It seems so bad that it was almost Shakespeare.
Lawyer, actual transcript from official court records
I’m asking a question. It’s rather long. But since I was confused before, I want to make sure that my confusion is clear.
Lawyer, actual transcript from official court records
How fatal is it?
Mike Morris
‘Do you want cash back?’ Isn’t that one of the hardest questions? Yes, no, I don’t know! Twenty pounds! No pounds … You don’t go to a cash point and get asked, ‘Do you want milk?’
Michael McIntyre
WORDS
I will use big words from time to time, the meanings of which I will only vaguely perceive, in hopes such cupidity will send you scampering to your dictionary: I will call such behaviour ‘public service’.
Harlan Ellison
—SAM, I HAVE dire news.
—Good or bad?
Diane Chambers and Sam Malone, Cheers
—Lascivious adulterer!
—Don’t you dare call me that again until I have looked it up!
Anna and Fritz Fassbender, What’s New Pussycat?
K.O.
Mork, Mork and Mindy
—What is a ‘vomitorium’?
—Is it London’s least successful tourist destination?
Stephen Fry and Phill Jupitus, QI
—What’s a castrati?
—I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s spicy.
Bart and Marge Simpson
I’ve decided to skip ‘holistic’. I don’t know what it means, and I don’t want to know. That may seem extreme, but I followed the same strategy toward Gestalt and the twist, and lived to tell the tale.
Calvin Trillin
—I know you can be underwhelmed, and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be, like, whelmed?
—I think you can in Europe.
Chastity and Bianca Stratford, Ten Things I Hate About You
I always get nominated to do all the press interviews because I’m so eloquent and Liam is the opposite of it – whatever that is.
Noel Gallagher, of Oasis
—Are you a volatile player?
—Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.
Reporter and David Beckham
—Can you give me an anagram for the word ‘on’?
—No.
Joseph Romm
What’s the plural of ‘ignited’?
Gaby Roslin
—He’s trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.
—He wants you to wear a padded bra?
Diane Chambers and Carla Tortelli, Cheers
Adebayor and Fabregas are almost telepethetic … they’re telepephatic … they’re pepathic … they’re pathetic … in fact they’re not, they’re really good.
Graham Taylor
—Has that yellow card been rescinded?
—No, it’s been taken away.
Chic Young and Lee Wallace
The idea of putting gondolas on Blessington Lake to boost tourism is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to feed them?
County Wicklow Councillor
—What’s your expression for ‘back of the fag packet’?
—First, you’ll have to tell me what a ‘fag packet’ is. Then I might be able to help.
Australian and American, www.overheardintheoffice.com
Who ever thought up the word ‘mammogram’? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
Jan King
—Hey, what does ‘apprehensive’ mean?
—It means you’re scared – with a college education.
Moe and Larry (The Three Stooges), Merry Mavericks
If the English language made any sense, ‘lackadaisical’ would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
Doug Larson
—Gone? What do you mean, gone?!
—Are you just panicking or do you really not know the meaning of the word?
Joe Hackett and Lowell Mather, Wings
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘Dude’. ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I’m so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin and Turtle and all my homies.’
Demetri Martin
Bunsen burner: a lot of you are just surprised you heard that word again, aren’t you? Nobody mentions it. It just doesn’t come up in the real world, does it?
Jimeoin
The allegations were denied as the police continue to question the allegators.
Reporter, Television News
Nish, tussock, flimp and fivepence.
Hugh Laurie, A Bit of Fry and Laurie
—Don’t be facetious!
—Oh, keep politics out of this!
Sal Van Hoyden and Chester Hooton (Bob Hope), Road to Utopia
I asked my teacher what an oxymoron was and he said, ‘I don’t know what an “oxy” is, bastard’.
Arthur Smith and Chris England
—I’m doing this competition on the cereal packet. You have to write in ten words what cornflakes mean to you. So I wrote: Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.
—Pathetic. You’ll never win. That’s only nine words.
—Oh, yeah … Cornflakes.
Vyvyan Basterd and Rick, The Young Ones
NEW WORDS
A truck containing hundreds of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were ‘stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, gobsmacked, amazed, bewildered and dumbfounded’.
Anon
I’VE COINED NEW words, like misunderstanding and Hispanically.
George W. Bush
Arbolist … look up the word. I don’t know, maybe I made it up. Anyway, it’s an arbo-tree-ist, somebody who knows about trees.
George W. Bush
I don’t think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs.
George W. Bush (YT)
This is what I’m good at. I like meeting people, my fellow citizens, I like interfacing with them.
George W. Bush
—Have you always lived in Beaumont since you came off the farm?
—No, I lived in Orange before I married and demarried.
Lawyer and witness, actual transcript from official court records
I put confidence in the American people, in their ability to sort through what is fair and what is unfair, what is ugly and what is unugly.
George Bush Sr
The boom times are getting even more boomer.
Bertie Ahern, Irish Taoiseach
I can’t be dishappy with that.
Elizabeth Tweedle
I don’t know what happened, but there was a major malmisorganisation problem there.
Murray Walker
It’s simply beyond words. It’s incalculacable.
Michael Scott, The Office (US)
They said, ‘You know, this issue doesn’t seem to resignate with the people.’ And I said, ‘You know something? Whether it resignates or not doesn’t matter to me …’
George W. Bush
After the bombing, most Iraqis saw what the perpetuators of this attack were trying to do.
George W. Bush
He’s completely unoverawed …
James Hunt
We have leadership – there’s just no followership.
George Danielson
I resent your insinuendoes.
Richard J. Daley, Mayor of Chicago
This is untoward. This is not toward!
Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock
I am a person who recognises the fallacy of humans.
George W. Bush
—So, we should totally take a consensuous on that with the entire team.
—Consensus.
—What?
— Consensus.
—[laughing] I should totally carry around a thesaurius with me!
Manager and employee, www.overheardintheoffice.com
LANGUAGES
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
Mark Twain
—WHO WAS IT who said, ‘Language is the universal whore that I must make into a virgin?’
—Kate Adie?
Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, A Bit of Fry and Laurie
Spain is going to be difficult for me. I’ve never had to learn a language and now I do.
David Beckham
—Can you speak Spanish?
—I don’t know, I’ve never tried.
P. G. Wodehouse, Ring for Jeeves
—I can speak French: Sí, sí, señor.
—That’s Spanish.
—Gee, I can speak Spanish, too!
Sid Silvers and Jack Benny
—Seamus, do you understand French?
—I do if it’s spoken in Irish.
Anon
The Dutch boxer, Regilio Tuur, can speak four languages, which is amazing for someone so short.
Commentator, NBC
Oh, you’re speaking German. I’m sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you.
Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers
Do they speak Portuganese in Portugal? I thought Portugal was in Spain.
Jade Goody
She speaks 18 languages and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.
Dorothy Parker
As the French say, I have that certain ‘I don’t know what.’
Dr Evil, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
They speak all the languages of the rainbow here.
Jackie Stewart
Listen! Someone’s screaming in agony. Fortunately I speak it fluently.
Spike Milligan
—How’s your Latin?
—Comme ci, comme ça.
—Good!
Mike Allen and caller, Talk Radio
I can’t even spell ‘spaghetti’, never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball – he might grab mine.
Brian Clough, on the influx of foreign footballers
By the end he was knackered-o. I think that’s the Spanish for it.
Kevin Keegan, on Faustino Asprilla’s first game for Newcastle United
Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave!
Chinese translation of the slogan ‘Come alive with Pepsi’
‘Eureka’ is Greek for ‘This bath is too hot!’
Dr Who
Nothing proves the desire of the Festival Club to be helpful more than the bilingual notice that hangs on the telephone kiosk in the Festival Hall. Above is the word ‘Telephone’, underneath is the French translation: ‘Téléphone.’
The Scotsman
Everybody’s talking French. I don’t understand.
Geoffrey Boycott during his trial in Grasse, France
It’s always a mistake trying to speak French to the Frogs. As Noël Coward once remarked, ‘They don’t understand their own language.’
Robert Morley
Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything.
Steve Martin
He thought lacrosse was what you found in la church.
Robin Williams
‘Buffet’ – a French word that means, ‘Get up and get it yourself.’
Ron Dentinger
For a long time, I thought ‘coq au vin’ meant ‘love in a lorry’.
Victoria Wood
It’s déjà vu all over again.
Yogi Berra
Interpreter! Interpreter! How do you say the opposite of ‘Vive La France’?
Winston Churchill, exasperated by Charles de Gaulle
I was in a Dunkin’ Donuts in Canada, and the menu was in French – the whole thing. And I asked the woman for a coffee, and she only spoke French. Now, I’ve taken a lot of drugs in my time, but I’ve got to say that the single most frightening experience of my life was thinking, I could have swore I was in fuckin’ Canada when I got off that tour bus. And now I’m in … am I? No, I don’t know. And then I said to the woman, ‘You can speak English, can’t you?’ And I think she was getting annoyed that I was being a bit rude by that point, because she was only speaking French. I was going, ‘I know you can speak English. We’re in Canada. And I know you understand what I’m saying.’ I may have brought up something about the war and then left.
Noel Gallagher, of Oasis
Julio Cesar Chavez speaks English, Spanish, and he’s bilingual too.
Don King
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep. During the night, the record slipped. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
I speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan
I speak 12 languages – English is the bestest.
Stefan Bergman
English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England!
Homer Simpson
—Don’t you know the Queen’s English?
—Of course he knows she’s English.
Boycie and Marlene, Green, Green Grass
There are certain words in our society that have changed totally. I was in America, where a very good friend of mine – an academic, highly intelligent – and was walking across Central Park, and he says, all of a sudden, ‘Ah, shit! I’ve stood in some dog’s doo-doo!’ Now, ‘doo-doo’ is shit. ‘Shit’ is not doo-doo. So you have this word, which has lost its total meaning … The Americans use ‘shit’ for everything now except shit.
Dave Allen
The BBC first spoke to another nation in an experimental broadcast to the United States in 1923. At the time it was questionable that we spoke the same language; it took a team of translators a week to figure out that ‘bangers and mash’ were not some veiled British threat.
Bill Clinton
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English – up to 50 words used in correct context – no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
Carl Sagan
PRONUNCIATION
Never eat anything you can’t pronounce.
Erma Bombeck