Everything You Need To Know
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ISBN 9780091929794
Cover Page
About the Author
Title Page
Dedication
INTRODUCTION: In the Beginning
CHAPTER ONE: Discovering You’re About to Become a Dad
Pregnancy: Weeks 0–8
CHAPTER TWO: Fatherhood Starts Now
Pregnancy: Weeks 9–12
CHAPTER THREE: Testing Times
Pregnancy: Weeks 13–16
CHAPTER FOUR: When Bump Stops the Grind
Pregnancy: Weeks 17–20
CHAPTER FIVE: Practical Matters
Pregnancy: Weeks 21–24
CHAPTER SIX: Nursery, Paternity, Upholstery
Pregnancy: Weeks 25–28
CHAPTER SEVEN: Tales of the Unexpected
Pregnancy: Weeks 29–32
CHAPTER EIGHT: The Final Countdown
Pregnancy: Weeks 33–36
CHAPTER NINE: Preparing for the Big Push
Pregnancy: Weeks 37–40
CHAPTER TEN: Your Child is Born
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Bringing Home the Baby
Your Baby: Weeks 1–2
CHAPTER TWELVE: The Six-week MOT . . .
Your Baby: Weeks 3–6
Glossary
Useful Resources
Further Reading
Acknowledgements
Index
Copyright Page
For every man who has heard those two magic words: ‘I’m pregnant’ . . . and immediately thought of two of his own.
Rob Kemp is a freelance journalist, editor-at-large for dads’ magazine FQ and contributing editor to Men’s Health magazine. He has written articles on the subject of pregnancy and fatherhood for a number of national titles including the Guardian, Men’s Health, FQ, Pregnancy, Baby and You, Pregnancy & Birth, Mother & Baby and Sainsbury’s Fresh Ideas among others. He lives in West London with his wife Amanda and son Stanley.
Dads aren’t what they used to be. Within the space of barely a generation the role of the modern father and the duties and attitudes expected of him have changed beyond all recognition.
If you’re able to, ask your own dad about his role in your birth. Ask him if he was at the birth, as in physically alongside your mother when your head popped out. Find out if he sat through birth-preparation classes during the pregnancy or if he recalls how he felt on discovering he was going to be a dad. You’ll most likely discover that he certainly didn’t cut the umbilical cord that connected you to your mum. He almost definitely never took a turn in feeding expressed milk to his infant son and he wouldn’t have been seen dead strapping his newborn nipper to his chest in a fashionable, yet functional, papoose before heading off for a coffee morning during his paternity leave.
It’s not because your dad was some kind of macho DI Gene Hunt character – though he may have dressed that way back then. It’s simply because expectant fathers weren’t expected to do such things.
But times have changed. If you’re reading this I’m guessing that you’re about to become a father for the first time and all of the above – and a whole lot more – will be expected of you. You’re probably still trying to get your head around the idea. You’re no doubt saying to yourself – and any mates who’ll listen – that you’re not ready for it. You’re definitely wondering how it will affect you and what part you’re meant to play in it all.
I know because I felt that way – and many of the new dads I’ve spoken to through my work with Fathers’ Quarterly magazine did too. I didn’t have a clue what I was meant to do. Half the time I didn’t understand why my wife was acting the way she was. I certainly struggled to feel any bond or empathy with the thing growing inside her. I didn’t even know if I wanted to be a dad. Even now, five years down the line, I still have the odd day when I wonder if I’m really cut out for it all.
What I felt I needed at the time – and I’ve failed to see appear since – is some practical advice for the dad-to-be. I wanted something I could refer to in those dark, sleep-disturbed hours for some expert advice. I wanted to play my part – but I wasn’t sure how to. In this book you’ll find expert tips, in the main from a male midwife and father, Melvyn Dunstall, but also from obstetricians, psychologists and health-and-fitness specialists, plus a man who knows an awful lot about car seats.
The lifelong journey that is fatherhood begins well before your child takes his or her first gulp of air outside the womb. In a world where men and women share the benefits and burdens of being joint breadwinners the role of the modern dad has had to adapt.
We’re now meant to ‘be there’. We’re expected to be supportive through the next nine months, to help with vital, life-changing decisions, to grow from lad to dad, to form a bond with our unborn baby and even have an opinion on such issues as disposable nappies or natural versus drug-assisted birth.
It’s daunting, for sure, but it’s not difficult to get up to speed on what’s happening, what all the jargon means and what you should be doing. This book is designed so you can dip into it at any point during the pregnancy and early stages of your child’s life and discover all you need to know to play your role.
And it’s essential that you do, too. Research into the relationship between dads and their unborn babies shows that the earlier men get used to the role of responsibility, the sooner we act like dads, the more chance there is that we’ll not only take to it but that we’ll hang around long enough to see the job through.
The same research also shows that dads-to-be who are armed with the facts and involved in the process from day one are a lot less likely to suffer from depression later in life and a lot more likely to develop a strong connection with the baby.
Such evidence has led to a push, if that’s the right term, among midwives and groups such as the National Childbirth Trust (a very useful charity providing expectant parents with advice, support and access to a shedload of quality second-hand baby gear) to get fathers more involved in the pregnancy process and early childcare. Don’t be surprised if the midwife appointed to look after your partner – and the whole troop of health professionals that are about to enter your life – seem enthusiastic for you to do your bit. Hopefully this book will ensure that when you reply to their instructions with the line ‘Yeah, I know that’, you won’t be bluffing.
So, first off, congratulations. You’ve purchased, loaned, borrowed, browsed, thumbed through or been forced to read this book for one reason and one reason alone. You are about to become a father for the first time. You’ve heard the line ‘I’m pregnant’. You’re pretty damn sure it’s your fault and you’re now taking a peek at this in a section of the bookshop you’ve never been in before.
Consider this book your first as a new father. Each chapter roughly follows the pregnancy as it should progress. It’ll give you an idea of how your child is developing in the womb, how your partner is feeling and why she’s in the mood she is – and most importantly it’ll give you the expert-sourced advice and tips you need to make the right decisions and noises. There will also be plenty of first-person testimony from fathers going through the same emotions and dilemmas that you will.
Pregnancy: Weeks 0–8
While you and your partner contend with the initial shock of becoming pregnant, here’s what the kid’s up to. At this point the embryo inside her is growing. It will be about a quarter of an inch (5mm) in length by the sixth week – around the size of a Subbuteo footballer, but without the base! At this point the little life’s basic nervous system is beginning to develop. The heart, brain and spinal cord are forming from around the fifth week onwards. Tiny buds that will become eyes, ears and limbs appear by the end of the eighth week.
Your girlfriend may suspect she’s pregnant. You too may have spotted some of the telltale signs in her. To indulge your detective fantasy a little further, look for clues such as:
Admittedly it’s not a clue that you’ll easily discover off your own bat, but your ears should prick up if you hear her use this term on the phone or in polite conversation. It means that the womb lining that usually appears as her period once a month suddenly hasn’t.
This may be because the egg that her body produces each month – and which your sperm may have now fertilised – is starting to become a baby. Once this happens it releases hormones that bulk up her womb lining and so stop it from leaking out each month as her period. Beware though, suspicious sleuth. According to experts such as male midwife Melvyn Dunstall some women can still have a very light period when they’re pregnant. Others can miss a period but not be pregnant. Prepare for such false dawns happening a lot during pregnancy.
That’s right, many women suddenly go off their favourite tastes. Tea, coffee, Pinot Grigio, cigarettes – it’s a common indicator that things are stirring down below. Others claim to notice a ‘metallic’ taste in their mouth. If she hasn’t just had a dental filling or left the teaspoon in the cup then Mothercare most likely awaits, mate.
Now the clues are getting easier … A bit of a misnomer, this one, in that the spontaneous need to throw up can actually kick in at any time of day or night for her. Yet 50 per cent of pregnant women don’t experience morning sickness at all. Be prepared for many of the preconceptions you have about pregnancy like this to be dashed. Those who do suffer some form of sickness usually do so during the first and second trimesters (the three-month stages of pregnancy).
As a father-to-be it’s useful to know that stress can make her overly sensitive digestive system even more spontaneous – so anything you can do to keep her calm will combat morning sickness.
Be prepared to change your own eating habits, for a few months at least – and don’t be surprised if she’s also reluctant to cook, as even your favourite dishes suddenly turn into pungent triggers for her to spew.
On the other hand, you could be lucky and find an early symptom of her expecting is a food craving for, well, chicken tikka maybe. As many as 90 per cent of expectant women experience a craving of some description – mainly in the first trimester. Some desire comfort foods such as mashed potatoes, cereals and bread. Such stodgy foods contain plenty of energy-giving carbs. Others crave stuff that isn’t even food, including coal and clay. You may find yourself called upon to make a late-night dash to the supermarket, though your more helpful role will be in distracting her if the cravings she has are for stuff she really shouldn’t be having. Take her out for a walk if your pregnant partner suddenly finds herself with a voracious desire for a Marlboro Light.
An overwhelming fatigue during the day which isn’t helped by a need to pass water more often in the night. This tiredness will compound her mood swings, spontaneous tearful outbursts and sheer anxiety about the health of the baby. It can strike at any time in the next nine months – and beyond.
Another new term for you to use in Scrabble – it means the veins in her breasts show up more, her breasts become larger and her nipples may darken or become more prominent. This could possibly be the symptom we’re most likely to take note of. It’s an odds-on bet that it’s a symptom we spot before even she does. Before you start thinking Christmas has come early, engorgement can make her breasts quite tender too – you may be told you can look but don’t touch.
Of course these ‘clues’ are far from conclusive. That is why thousands of couples shell out on a bit of modern technology that has become the best way of discovering if you’re about to become a dad for the first time.
Most pregnancies are self-diagnosed at home using a test that detects a hormone called human Chorionic Gonadotrophin (hCG) in a woman’s urine. The home pregnancy test kit is an over-the-counter mini-chemistry set that means women can confirm their suspicions without having a medical examination.
These devices – which have also revolutionised soap-story plotlines, often being found in the bathroom cabinet of teenage schoolgirls or supposedly ‘barren’ female characters – first changed the way a couple discovered that parenthood could be on its way in the 1970s. They’re still the most common method of confirmation, either way.
Appropriately enough for some of us expectant dads, the kit itself is a dipstick-like tool. On to this a little drop of lady wee must fall. For the most part you’re surplus to requirements at this point – but if nothing else the home pregnancy test kit is a gadget and one that provides an almost instant result, which is something that’s always of interest to any bloke. And the result it reveals will seriously influence the next 50 years of your life, so it pays to know a little about how it works.
The method of checking a woman’s urine to discover if she is pregnant dates back hundreds of years. A 16th-century pamphlet tells of ‘piss prophets’ checking the colour and consistency of urine passed by women thought to be pregnant. Some ‘quacks’ even added wine to it and observed the reaction the proteins in the pee had to the alcohol.
This hCG hormone is produced by tissue surrounding the embryo that eventually develops into the placenta. According to Melvyn Dunstall that hormone is detectable in a woman’s urine usually from the day her period was due. As the urine seeps up the dipstick it passes through a layer containing antibodies that specifically bind to hCG, giving a positive reaction if hCG is present.
The most commonly available brands – names and packaging that can paralyse a man on the spot when found in his partner’s side of the bathroom cabinet – include Clearblue Pregnancy Test Kit, EPT and Reveal. Once she has waved the stick into the midstream of her pee she has to wait a few minutes before checking the result window. In the case of the Clearblue kit she will most likely see a blue ‘+’ or POSITIVE word in the result window. A ‘–’ (minus symbol) will tell her she’s not pregnant.
They’re all at least 97 per cent accurate. So say the midwives. Some are so sensitive they can detect the hormone changes before the day her period is due – but doing the tests early runs the risk of ‘false negatives’. (A false negative is – think about it – a positive.) A positive pregnancy test is highly unlikely to be wrong – but ‘negative’ results can be wrong. Aside from the major shock of later discovering that she is pregnant when she thought she wasn’t, this can also lead to confusion about birth and conception dates. It’ll add to those soap-opera cliffhangers too.
To get around this many kits come with two tests – allowing her to get a second opinion as it were within a day or so of the first. Ask any dads you know where they were when they found out they were about to become a father for the first time. If they weren’t at work speaking on the phone to their partner, or at home on the sofa with a stiff drink in hand – then the chances are they were fairly close to a toilet door, on the other side of which was an anxious woman with her ‘chemistry set’ in hand.
This discovery may take place just as dawn breaks, since women who suspect they’re pregnant are often advised to take the test with their first wee of the day. The thinking behind this is that urine is more concentrated at this point – and so will have a higher dosage of that telltale hCG in it. However, the time of the test is not that important since hCG will be present in urine regardless.
Scientists first carried out tests to identify the presence of hCG in urine in 1927. To test for pregnancy back then a woman’s wee was injected into immature rats. If the woman was not pregnant, there would be no reaction. If she was, the rat would come into season, which it was naturally too young to do normally.
Hearing the news that you’re about to become a dad is something that will spark a different reaction from one man to the next. Those words ‘I’m pregnant’ will almost certainly throw up some feelings of anxiety. Your partner will have been weighing up the side effects it’ll have on her life too before telling you – so don’t be surprised if she’s not able to provide all the answers to your questions there and then.
Don’t worry if you’re not turning cartwheels the moment you hear you’re about to become a dad. Your response won’t necessarily set a trend for the rest of the pregnancy nor the rest of your life as a father. Many men baulk at the idea initially. Several expectant fathers I interviewed attending an antenatal group conceded to me that they met the news with a mixture of elation (‘I’ve done it!’) tinged with an underlying – though rarely voiced – sense of impending doom.
There’s bound to be some soul-searching on the part of both you and her – and you’re not alone if you experience a sense of anxiety. According to psychologist Russell Hurn, who specialises in dealing with young fathers, this is often because stable, happy relationships are one thing – and babies are something very, very different.
Babies mean change – and we’re not just talking about nappies here. There are some fathers who think their lives will carry on the same – according to Hurn these are usually the ones who get the biggest shock and have to adjust the most.
One common reaction among men is to – silently in most cases – question their own commitment to their relationship with the mother. Babies mean a level of responsibility that falls beyond a stable relationship, insists Hurn.
Questioning yourself and your ability to cope with the role of fatherhood is something that will happen to almost all of us – not just at this point but at varying stages through a journey that’ll last a good few years. The doubts you have at this point can be aired – a trouble shared and all that –though telling your partner all about how you don’t think you’re ‘up for it’ isn’t advisable. Sure, tell her you’re anxious about the unknown, but to trade your deeper concerns or simply get some insight from other fathers who’ve been in your position try talking to:
• Your GP
• Mates, particularly fellow dads
• Men-only antenatal groups
• Online fatherhood forums
Discovery and reaction
A group of expectant fathers who attended an antenatal group in Richmond, Surrey, allowed me to follow their progress from the early stages of pregnancy right through to the birth and beyond. Their insights will appear throughout this book.
‘I can remember where I was, and what was said, very clearly. Sarah had missed her period, and took a pregnancy test. I was watching TV and was quite annoyed to be interrupted to be told that the test was positive. I don't think I really believed it was possible – I assumed it was a mistake. I didn't believe it was real until we had the scan.'
Dominic N
‘I came home from work and she said, 'We're a little bit pregnant.' We'd not been trying and had both agreed to wait a couple of years, but I was pleased as well as scared. It felt quite early but we are happy in our marriage, our home and jobs, so no reason to wait.'
Charley G
‘Mel's monthly cycle runs like clockwork, so she knows when she is going to come on and usually does within a few hours of the same time the previous month. We had only been trying for a couple of weeks so when Mel came home with the pregnancy testing kit, I was a little sceptical. This was the evening of the day that she was due on and also the day before I had a work-related exam. I had worked pretty hard for the exam and was worried that the news (either way) would be very distracting. If it came up positive, I would obviously be ecstatic and if it came up negative I’d be a little gutted, even knowing that conception in the first month is pretty rare. I managed to convince Mel that we should wait until the following evening, just to be sure on her period and to allow me to concentrate on the blasted exam.'
Matthew D
‘My wife did a pregnancy test and it was positive. We’d been trying for a long time, been to see a specialist, done all the tests. Everything was fine and her advice was "relax". We went to Paris on our anniversary, got drunk, had a great time … and a few weeks later she was pregnant. I felt like getting drunk again! I was overjoyed!’
Tom L
It’s not necessarily an unfair or offensive reaction to the news – though your other half probably won’t see it like this. A 2005 study by Liverpool John Moores University found that 1 in 25 fathers may not be the biological parent of the child they believe to be theirs. It’s a statistic that’s led to a rise in paternity tests after the birth of the baby.
In 2005 the firm DNA Bioscience cited research that suggested up to 20,000 paternity tests are carried out in this country annually – around 5,000 of them at the request of the Child Support Agency. Of the remainder, most were either instigated by adult children looking to confirm parentage or fathers trying to discover if they are ‘the daddy’.
Also a fairly common response. And not unjustified since until your partner has taken a pregnancy test she can’t give you a hand-on-heart guarantee. Even if she has, she’ll only be 97 per cent sure. For many fellas 97 per cent isn’t enough and, unless we have something in writing along with confirmation from a recognised health authority, a second opinion, a hearty handshake and pat on the back from congratulatory mates, a copy of the first scan and have witnessed our partner’s changing shape and craving for marshmallows dipped in Branston first-hand, then we’ll continue to question the existence of this so-called baby. By about the fourth month it’ll have sunk in.
OK, it’s not such an uncommon reaction either and perhaps a recap of the events which led to you buying this book in the first place wouldn’t go amiss.
If you’re one of these ‘how did it happen?’ types then you should know that sperm are of course the starting point for us chaps in the reproductive process. Each month from your early teens onwards your testicles will club together to produce around 12 billion sperm in the area of your scrotum called the seminiferous tubules.
Over a 20-day period these immature sperm travel to an area at the top of your testes called the epididymis where they grow until called upon, as it were, to do their duty.
With your penis erect – and suitably stimulated – the green light is given to a batch of around 300 million sperm to travel upwards along a vein called the vas deferens tube, which connects your testes to a gland where it mixes with some fructose sugar and alkalines. The vas deferens, by the way, is the tube which is ‘snipped’ during a vasectomy, should you decide at some point that you want to stop using contraception but still enjoy sex without any repercussions.
The fructose sugar acts as a fuel. It sends your sperm into a ‘hyper’ mode, making them boisterous, energetic and likely to shoot off in any direction once let off the reins – you’ll no doubt pick up where that link between sugar rush and kids first begins.
The alkalines act as a kind of deflector shield for your sperm. If you think that sounds pretty sci-fi then consider the fact that those alkalines are there to combat the acidic juices they come up against inside her vagina and uterus. And you thought it was just the Alien that carried that stuff around inside itself.
As the sperm, sugar and acid-busting super-juice continue their journey, they travel through your prostate gland. Here is added a milky substance that bonds it all together as semen. When you reach the point of climax you’ll release those 300 million sperm plus the mix of fructose sugar, alkalines and ‘semenal’ solution – both well shaken and stirred – into her vagina. Or the ‘brick wall’ teat of a condom if this – into her vagina. Or the ‘brick wall’ teat of a condom if this is just a trial run.
Described like this you’re no doubt envisaging a ‘geyser’ of baby-making solution spewing forth from something akin to a runaway fireman’s hose. But, according to scientists with one of life’s less desirable jobs, the average man’s measure of sperm on ejaculation adds up to between 1.5 and 5 millilitres. That’s right, 20 days in the making, a diluting journey through your nether regions and an almighty cannoning from your penis at the end of a hard night’s wining, dining, charming, persuading and possibly begging on your part – and all you’ve got to show for your efforts is a teaspoon’s-worth of baby-making juice.
And yet it’s still enough to conquer the challenges it faces once it’s released into your partner. Your sperm have between 12 and 48 hours to find her egg and fertilise it. Simple, you may think, since despite the ‘teaspoon’ volumes, there are still 300 million of the blighters. But a whole host of obstacles – not least of all the acids – will be taking out your sperm left, right and centre from the start. Most of your semen will actually leak out of the vagina again within moments of landing there – not something you see highlighted on washing powder adverts, but a fact all the same. Only the strongest, healthiest sperm will head onwards up through the cervix into the womb and into the Fallopian tube.
Depending on the time of the month – if your partner is ovulating – she’ll have an egg sat in that tube. When it’s not fertilised the egg passes out of her vagina along with a temporary womb lining as part of her period. If there’s an egg there around 200 sperm will be needed to dissolve the egg’s protective layer and the best sperm will attach themselves to the surface of the egg. Then one single sperm will go on to fertilise that egg. And that’s how the life you and your partner have created begins.
All of which brings us back to the fact box at the start of this chapter. By the fifth week of her pregnancy, when your partner may suspect that her missed period is a sign of something much, much bigger to come, that sperm-and-egg combination is an embryo – 5mm in length and triggering the production of hormones that create that ‘Positive’ sign on a home pregnancy test kit. The next step for her – and you – should you decide that this baby is for you, will be the EDD.
The Estimated Date of Delivery (EDD) is the first in a long line of bouncing bundles of letters forming acronyms that you’ll hear during your foray into fatherhood. Other shortened groups of technical terms you’ll be mystified by include NCT (National Childbirth Trust), ICU (Intensive Care Unit),TENS (Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation), MMR (Measles, Mumps and Rubella) and WTBHN (Wet The Baby’s Head Night, a diary date you need to pencil in) – all of which will be covered later.
To discover the EDD your partner will have confirmation of the result of the dipstick self-test with a health professional. She’ll be given the choice to see either her GP or midwife. According to Melvyn Dunstall it’s more commonly midwives, although there are a few GPs who like to undertake antenatal care – most women should be seen by the midwife at eight weeks and current NICE (National Institute of Clinical Excellence) guidelines recommend that the booking examination should be completed before the 12th week of pregnancy.
The booking examination is when your partner gets a letter to take to the hospital to book herself into their antenatal programme. Other things she’ll be asked about include her medical history and her family’s medical history (e.g. any abnormal births). She’ll also get a briefing on future scans.
It’s around this point that the current age of your baby – or more specifically its due date (the EDD) – is delivered to you. This will be based on the calendar-tracking formula called Naegele’s Rule – pub-quiz buffs take note. It was devised by Franz Karl Naegele, a German professor who published rules for midwives – including working out the EDD – in 1830 using a formula that’s still in use today.
The rule estimates the EDD by adding a year to the first day of the woman’s Last Menstrual Period (LMP) then subtracting three months and adding seven days to that date. This approximates to the average normal human pregnancy, which lasts 40 weeks (280 days) from the LMP, or 38 weeks (266 days) from the date of fertilisation . . . Confused? You’re not alone. See if this helps:
LMP |
= |
8 May 2009 |
+1 year |
= |
8 May 2010 |
-3 months |
= |
8 February 2010 |
+7 days |
= |
15 February 2010 – that’s when your baby is due |
If all this looks too much like long division then get online to websites such as www.justparents.co.uk or www.emmasdiary.co.uk where a pregnancy-due-date calculator does all the working out, so long as you know the first day of her last period.
It’s tempting to answer this question with ‘a big fat nothing’ since it’s estimated that even after more precise ultrasound scans are used to work out the age of the foetus and delivery date only 5 per cent of first babies actually arrive on their due day.
Around 15 per cent of children will be born premature (before the completion of the 37th week) – though first-time babies are more likely to arrive after the EDD. Knowing the EDD is useful for fathers-to-be since you can start thinking about the following:
Since this is the date your baby is expected to arrive you can roughly work out when you’ll take your leave from work – handy if you’ve any long-term projects on the works wall-planner. You can also put one eye on when to get in your last holiday, long-haul flight, rollercoaster ride together – since from now on the milestone dates in her pregnancy are also ones where she can no longer do such things.
With the EDD your partner’s GP or midwife has a rough guide as to how old and what size the baby should be at differing stages of pregnancy. From this they’ll be able to determine when your partner’s due to attend scans and checks – it’s therefore useful to you too if you’re required to show willing and turn up with her. Though most women know their period better than they know their PIN, it’ll only be when she goes along for the first ultrasound scan on her first antenatal hospital appointment that the pair of you will get an accurate idea of size, age and the date your baby is due.
Any arguments regarding the conception and whether it’s yours can be settled by the EDD. For example, how could it have been conceived around 11 April if you weren’t released on parole until 2 June?
During these first few weeks of its life the embryo will undergo a number of name changes. Of course, it won’t know about them – they’re obstetric terms used by the multitudes of medical people about to enter your world – and the likelihood is none of them would appeal to even the Gwyneth Paltrows of this world. These names include the zygote (OK, maybe that has a bit of a ring to it), which is the title for a single sperm that penetrates the mother’s egg cell, and the equally catchy blastocyst. A blastocyst is when the zygote divides, creating an inner group of cells with an outer shell. The inner group of cells will become the embryo (third name), while the outer group of cells will become the membranes that nourish and protect it. By the most likely time of ‘discovery’ – eight weeks – the embryo will measure around 22mm (nearly an inch) in length from head to bottom. The face, feet and fingers begin to form and the internal organs are all developing (technically at this stage it’s the foetus). By now the heartbeat can be detected on an ultrasound scan.
Pregnancy: Weeks 9–12
Looking at her stomach? Wondering what’s happening in there? Well, from eight weeks onwards little nodules that become your nipper’s fingers, thumbs and toes begin to grow. Bones begin to form and the ears start to develop too. Just four weeks later the foetus is fully formed – that means limbs, organs and bones are well developed and it’ll be moving around, not that your partner will feel it yet since despite all this it’s still barely as big as your thumb in size at this point.
Pregnancies are broken down into three ‘trimesters’ – basically three lots of twelvish-week blocks during which the medical experts expect mother and baby – and to a much lesser extent you – to be doing certain things. The first trimester covers weeks 0–12. The second is weeks 13–27 and the third is from 28 weeks up until until birth – which in most cases occurs between weeks 37 and 41.
There’s no marked difference between the end of one trimester and the start of the next and each woman’s pregnancy is different with varying rates of growth and different reactions to symptoms. All you will notice as the dad-to-be when it comes to the trimesters is that medical advice means there are certain things that she can do in one trimester that she won’t be able to in the next one. For example, long-haul flights aren’t recommended in the first or the third trimester. In the first trimester there’s a risk of miscarriage; in the last there’s a risk that your child will be born in international air space.
Here though, roughly, is how the trimesters can best be used by fathers-to-be.
• The first trimester is a good time to start changing your habits – quitting smoking, getting used to the idea of fatherhood and preparing for the life change.
• The second is a good time for practical issues – such as sorting out your paternity leave and decorating the nursery (you’ll discover your child’s sex at the 20-week scan so can choose colour schemes at least).
• The third is the time to start rehearsing your role in the birth process and those first few weeks after the birth. It’s the time when the antenatal classes kick in, when your partner will be giving up work and the pair of you will be panic-buying all the gear you need.
Following the revelation of that ‘Positive’ sign on the home test kit and you hearing the words ‘I’m pregnant’ there’s a period of acclimatisation. You’re both adjusting to the idea but you may only have each other to talk to about it if you’re avoiding spreading the word until it’s safe to do so.
For many expectant fathers this is Phoney War time. The ‘Phoney War’ is the name for the period in 1939 – after World War Two had been declared – when the nation went into a bit of a panic. Anti-aircraft guns were set up, gas masks were doled out, sandbags were piled around shop entrances. But then nothing happened. No bombs. No gas. Nothing. The Phoney War didn’t last long, of course – and nor will yours. Prepare for a bombardment of expenses, for missions to Mothercare, for scans, pregnancy books and magazines, strange people fondling your partner in the street and the endless conversations the pair of you only seem to have about ‘the baby’.
For now enjoy the Phoney War and its silence and get into the mindset of being a protective, healthy new dad.
Essential chores make up the bulk of a dad’s involvement in the first trimester. This may not conjure up images of kicking a ball around with your newborn son or enjoying that special moment when, for the very first time, your daughter points at a pigeon and shouts out ‘duck’ – but these chores play a part in the wellbeing of your partner and unborn baby. They include:
You may shamefully recall at least one occasion when you pretended not to see what’s been left on the carpet in the hope that your girlfriend will take care of it – ‘after all, it’s her cat!’ All that must change. The removal of any cat or dog crap that appears around your house or garden must be top of any daddy-to-be to-do lists. The reason is toxoplasmosis, a parasitic infection found in little Tiddles’s deposits that can cause stillbirth or miscarriage of human babies.
This is no reason to suddenly pack up the family pet and send it off into quarantine – but just do your bit to ensure your partner avoids coming into contact with its waste. If she does have to empty litter trays it’s crucial that she uses disposable rubber gloves and that trays are soaked with boiling water for five minutes afterwards.
Pretty much the same reason as above. What cats can bury in the soil will do no end of harm to your unborn baby. Similarly, any plans you had to adopt an abandoned ewe or visit the local farm will need a rethink as sheep and lambs can also carry toxoplasma along with another miscarriage-inducing bug called chlamydia psittaci. Makes you wonder how they were ever allowed near Jesus’s manger?
If you’re a bit of a Jamie Oliver at home or a gourmet of the garden griddle during the barbecue season then you need to be aware that pregnant women can also catch toxoplasmosis from raw or undercooked meat. The NHS estimates that around 2,000 mums-to-be contract it each year, with up to 63 per cent of infections put down to the consumption of undercooked or cured meat products.
Any symptoms of the disease in your partner would be fairly mild – such as a sore throat and a mild fever – but the real risk is posed to your unborn child, including miscarriage, or an increased chance of a child developing eye infections or having learning difficulties later in life. Prevention is crucial and you can play a part by making sure she and you wash your hands thoroughly after handling raw meat, and avoid cured meats, such as smoked ham.
Meals may become a bit of a lottery as the hormonal hurricane going on inside her means that food she may have been desperate for when you started chopping it is met with a look of undisguised disgust when it comes to serving it up. It’s just another example of how certain smells or tastes can spark bouts of nausea in the pregnant female. When cooking for her be especially careful to:
• Make sure that all meat is cooked thoroughly and is piping hot before eating it.
• Wash fruit, vegetables and salads before eating them.
• Be aware of danger dishes such as pâté and soft cheese such as Brie and Camembert. These carry a heightened risk of listeria infection, which can cause miscarriage.
Appropriately enough since you’ve just fertilised hers, any that she eats need to be handled with care too. The risk of contracting salmonella food poisoning is higher in pregnant women because their immune system is not running at full strength. Though the salmonella bacteria can’t harm the baby directly, health advisors recommend that pregnant women avoid risk dishes such as ‘home-made’ mayonnaise. Other egg facts to consider include:
• Food Standards Agency advice for pregnant women when it comes to eggs says that you should boil a medium-sized egg for at least seven minutes.
• Fry eggs on both sides and poach eggs until the white is completely set and opaque and the yolk is firm: this will take about five minutes for a medium-sized egg.
• Store any eggs where they cannot come in contact with other foods, stick to the use-by dates and don’t use eggs with damaged shells.
When it comes to pregnancy you may not be ‘feeling it’ yet, but rest assured she will be. During this first trimester some of the more common symptoms such as fatigue and nausea – for her, not you – can kick in quite severely. But because she may not show any outward signs of her pregnancy as yet, you may struggle to appreciate what’s happening to her.