A Practical Guide to Creating
the Life of Your Dreams
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Copyright © Cathy Breslin and Judy May Murphy 2005
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First published in 2002 in Ireland by The O’Brien Press Ltd
First published in the United States in 2005 by Health Communications, Inc
Ths edition first published in the United Kingdom in 2006 by Vermilion, an imprint of Ebury Publishing
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ISBN: 0091907136
ISBN: 9780091907136 (from Jan 2007)
ONLY A GAZILLION TIMES BETTER and GAZILLION are trademarks of Cathy Breslin and Judy May Murphy. All rights reserved.
Typseset by SX Composing DTP, Rayleigh, Essex
Printed and bound In Great Britain by Clays Ltd, St Ives plc
Cover Page
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Icon Key
Foreword
1 Discovery
2 Fantasize Your Future
3 Goal Fixing
4 Great States
5 Amazing Careers and How to Get There
6 Your Best Health
7 Show Me the Money
8 Fantastic Relationships
9 Troubleshooting
Afterword
Further Reading
To my father, Daniel Breslin, my inspiration.
Cathy
To my Angel Sisters.
Judy May
A heartfelt thank you to Dr Richard Bandler and Paul McKenna for their teachings, friendship and exceptional leadership. A special thank you to the late Paula Bandler for her lovely nature, support and guidance. Appreciation to John La Valle, Michael Neill, Owen Fitzpatrick, Brian Colbert, Debbie Williams, Kate Benson, our friends at Rich Dad Poor Dad, Michael and Sharon Lecter and Bob Weidenbaum.
Stephanie Dennis, Nick Williams, Warren Day, Brigitte and Rex Sumner, Tony and Nicki Vee, Romola McKenzie, Peter Sage, Steve Oxlade, the Bamber family, the Greaney family, the Jones family, Rita Godfrey, Fraser Alexander, Elisa Kennedy, Simon Lederman, the Rosary School, Katherine Michael, James Martin, Niamh Traynor, Nimah Hooper, Micheline McNamara, Raymund Moore, Mike Berry, Nick James, Daniel Bradbury, Conie and Alexander Schottky, Gerry McKinney, Charmaine de Souza, Richard Scott, Andrew Graham, Helen McNutt, Nuala McNutt, Owen O’Mally, Mindy Gibbins-Klein, Steve and Louise Weir.
We would like to extend our sincere gratitude to Clare Hulton, Imogen Fortes, Edward Griffiths, Fiona MacIntyre and all our friends at Vermilion for their unyielding dedication and professionalism.
Belief |
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Breaking the Old Pattern |
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Practical Dreaming |
I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, business owner, business partner, writer, philanthropist and volunteer. For most of my life, when I was asked the question, ‘Who are you?’ my answer would be couched in the form of one or more of these labels, or simply, ‘All of the above. I wear a lot of hats.’
Each one of these categories describes who I am in relation to someone else. As a wife, I am Michael’s partner in life. I am Phillip, Shelly and Rick’s mother. I am my parents’ daughter … and the pattern continues. These labels describe my interpersonal relationships. Over the years I have become quite comfortable defining myself by identifying these relationships. I have found my greatest joy and sense of accomplishment and self-worth through seeing myself as a wife, mother, business owner, etc.
Take a moment and answer the question ‘Who am I?’ for yourself. How many hats do you wear?
It was not too many years ago that I realized I was using these ‘hats’ as a way to avoid looking further. I was hiding behind the labels. They were not really hats; I would define them more accurately as masks. They create a safe space, a comfort zone, where I can identify myself through the eyes of others. I tend to judge myself by how good a wife I am, how good a mother I am. At times I feel like I have a split personality, because I need to wear several masks at the same time. How can I be all things to all people? Do you ever feel this way?
Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of changing masks? I will find myself on a business call and see the second phone line ringing. I quickly finish the first business call and promptly answer the second in my business voice. In the split second when I realize it is my son, my whole presence changes, and I become a mom. I can hear my voice and tone transform automatically.
When I first read Your Life Only a Gazillion Times Better it hit me between the eyes in the first chapter. The very first exercise asks, ‘Who are you, physically, emotionally, intellectually?’ I was instantly booted out of my comfort zone. I couldn’t figure out where to use ‘mother, wife, daughter and so on.’ I had to look deeper within myself. It took me back in time.
Several years ago, our son was having problems. It was the most difficult period of my life. I was devastated. I was drowning in guilt and feeling like a total failure as a mother. It was difficult to even get out of bed in the morning. Fortunately, our son entered a program that included parenting seminars as part of its curriculum. Michael and I attended in hopes of becoming better parents and finding a way to help our son.
Were we ever surprised! The entire seminar was about us as individuals. The first day the instructor asked, ‘How can you expect to help your child if you can’t help yourself?’ For three days we focused on our intrapersonal skills—how we deal with ourselves.
Two of the greatest lessons I have ever learned came out of that seminar. While quite simple and founded in common sense, I believe they hold the key to self-fulfillment and finding true happiness. They are: ‘You cannot change other people. You can only change yourself and how you react or relate to other people,’ and ‘Everything happens for a reason.’
You may be reading this book because you picked it up in a bookstore in the airport or because someone gave it to you as a gift. Regardless of how it came to be in your hands, you are reading it for a reason.
This book is a self-guided tour through your mind that will allow you to discover your own brilliance, gifts and dreams, and allow you to plot a course that will help you create the life you want. When I first read the book, my instant reaction was, ‘I wish I had read it twenty years ago.’ To acquire the skills outlined in this book is truly a gift that only you can give yourself.
One of my favorite parts of the book is in the second chapter, where it discusses the ‘shoulds’ of life: ‘Often we buy into an idea of what our life “should” be like; we think we “should” follow a certain career path or lifestyle. This mindset (and everyone has one) has overly influenced our choices through the years, often in negative ways.’
In my opinion the ‘shoulds’ of life represent our interpretations of what others expect of us, instead of what we want for ourselves. On the flip side, many times we tend to project our ‘shoulds’ on to our children and the people most dear to us.
Define who you are and what your goals are, and work on changing your own self-awareness by embracing the exercises in this book. By defining your dreams and goals, you will bring clarity to who you are and what is really important to you. It is amazing how just writing down your goals can help you start focusing on them—and achieving them!
‘Change starts and continues with you’—chapter eight
By improving yourself, through working on your intrapersonal skills and building self-awareness and fulfillment, you will find a wonderful by-product. As a result of feeling better about yourself, your relationships (interpersonal) will automatically improve as well.
I am still studying, learning, practicing, failing and practicing some more every day to work on Sharon. I am proud of myself as a wife, as a mom, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a business owner, as a business partner, as a writer, as a philanthropist and as a volunteer. My goal is to be proud of Sharon Lechter!
My wish for you is that your life is a gazillion times better. It can start today.
Thank you.
Sharon Lechter
Give a smile and you shall receive a smile.
Admit it to yourself – you’d like to improve some aspects of your life. Maybe your job isn’t all that fulfilling, and you’d like to make a change but don’t know where to start. Perhaps you are in a relationship that really doesn’t support you in the ways you would like. You may feel like you’ve hit rock bottom with no where else to turn, or maybe you simply aren’t sure what you want out of life and love but know you don’t have it now. It could be that you are doing really well and yet you know this isn’t the best it could be. If any of these descriptions ring true—you’ve picked up the right book! Even if you love your life and many aspects of it, we’d be willing to bet there are some (or many) things you would love to change for the better.
We know you don’t need long-winded advice, finger-pointing, or experts giving you lists of uncomfortable or impractical things to do to get rich and famous. That’s why we’ve taken a different approach. In this book we have distilled our teachings and methods into short, easy sections that focus on the details of your life and dreams. We’ve made the book interactive, with specific exercises to help you take control of your life. And we’ve kept the tone positive and fun throughout. That’s right, fun—because only when enjoying yourself while reading this book can you really overhaul your life. This is about actually getting the results you want, not about intellectually knowing what to do.
After helping hundreds of clients find the lives they truly want to live, we are confident in our methods of tackling old habits and patterns of behavior that limit potential and life quality. As life coaches responsible for countless successful transformations and life improvements, we have seen how exciting it can be to make your life a gazillion times better! We have learned how to improve lives dramatically, not just through our professional training, but also because we have seen self-improvement in our own lives and are living examples of how much better one’s life can be. No matter what you want to achieve, once you have started to make simple, fast changes to your life, you can easily make your dream life become a reality.
As I have found through my personal and professional experience, it is possible to turn your life around and make it better! It took a lot of faith, hope and perseverance to get where I am today, and it wasn’t easy by any means, but I made it. After turning my life around, I realized I could teach others how to do the same.
Growing up in a large family, I was a happy-go-lucky girl until the age of twelve, when I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease. My life changed dramatically. The disease manifested itself in eye problems and severe mood fluctuations. Throughout my childhood I felt quite disfigured, self-conscious, unattractive and depressed.
At the age of fifteen, I had corrective surgery. After the surgery, I found myself heavier than I had ever been. I wanted to lose the weight, so I began dieting. I became obsessed with my weight and eventually became anorexic. My self-esteem became worse and worse, and in reaction I stopped eating almost entirely. I lived on small amounts of fruit for months at a time and almost lost the battle for life.
All I can remember from this time is that during treatments by professionals I felt isolated and alone. It was as though the doctors who treated me saw only my illness. It seemed as though almost every interaction was impersonal and harsh. Specialists and teams of doctors stood around my bed and spoke as if I didn’t exist. They used words I couldn’t understand and gave me so-called therapy that had long, medical descriptions but very little power to heal me. I felt afraid, insecure and extremely lonely.
At the age of 18, due to the anorexia, with the permission of my parents I admitted myself into a psychiatric hospital where I stayed on and off for four years. At the deepest part of my depression, I remember a visit from my father, who spoke to me softly and said, ‘Cathy, you have the inner strength to overcome this problem; you can get through this.’ With these words resonating in me, I felt inspired to recover for the very first time.
Tragically, a couple of months later my father died, which led me to an horrific setback. As time went on, I realized that nobody else had the resources to give me the help I needed. It finally became apparent to me that I did have the strength – I was the only person who could help me get better. Gradually I began to build my self-confidence, to learn how to eat and how to appreciate myself. During this time I realized that everyone has the strength within to change their lives for the better, a truth that much of this book is based on.
After many years of work, I became healthy and fell in love with life. I found the inner strength that my father had assured me was there. I believe everyone has that same powerful inner strength. Now I have dedicated my life to creating, helping and teaching other people how they can find strength from within to change their lives permanently. These days I’m a counselling therapist, and I use the lessons I cultivated from years of personal experience through counselling others and teaching self-development skills.
If you face challenges in your life, whether they are large or small, you can always make your life a gazillion times better—no matter what the situation. With our teachings, now gathered in this book, we have shown countless readers how to turn their lives around. It can happen for you, too! This book is the first step in your journey to finding your potential and dreams.
I, too, have learned through inspiration, dedication and personal experience how to improve my life, and I have shown many people how to do the same with theirs. My personal experiences gave me a passion and dedication to develop practical, easy techniques to help my clients improve their lives in small and large ways. I, too, have faced many challenges and learned to improve my life despite the obstacles. Many of my discoveries happened when I found strength and inspiration within myself.
My story begins in Dublin, Ireland. When I was eight, my family moved from London to Dublin, and I felt like I left my heart in my childhood home. Unfortunately, I had the disadvantage of underdeveloped muscles in my legs. I couldn’t walk properly. In my new school, kids laughed at me. Seeing other kids imitating my unusual gait would make me feel like an outcast. To make matters worse, I was also singled out as the smartest little girl in the class, and that didn’t help my popularity. I did have some friends, but I mostly retreated into the security of my own little world of books and daydreams about returning to London. I felt abandoned and afraid, and during this time I gradually became very depressed.
The depression would continue in waves during my teenage years, often brought on by some reminder about how my legs were still strange. While in university I started to train as a dancer and managed to completely reverse the muscle problems. However, I still felt alone and frustrated, and I focused on achieving in order to feel worthy of love. At one point, at the age of twenty-one, I was pushing myself so hard that I completely burned out and had a nervous breakdown. I became more depressed than I had been in years.
At the lowest point I stopped eating or sleeping for a couple of days. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and put on antidepressants by a psychiatrist. For the next ten years, I coped with this awful, debilitating depression by achieving academically and incessantly traveling in search of a home. To others I looked as if I were living a great life, but inside I felt wretched. When things got really bad, I would go back to a doctor to get different, stronger medication.
The final straw came when I was staying in Los Angeles, and a boyfriend dumped me a couple of days before Christmas. I knew something had to change. An enormous strength appeared from within, and I decided that I would do whatever it took to change my life for the better. I decided to return to Ireland to learn how to be happy again. My search took me around the world once more, often to attend self-help seminars where I learned the skills that healed me and allow me to help heal others. Since then I have been devoted to helping others improve their lives, and my own life is now amazing.
These days I’m a success coach, dividing my time between working in many different countries and developing educational and entertaining television shows. Through my personal experience, I have discovered that across the different aspects of your life (job, family, relationship, wealth, health and daily challenges) there are basic, practical steps you can take toward getting the life you really aspire to. Cathy and I have developed a program that will vastly improve the quality of your life, ensure your emotional stability, and help you achieve your dreams and discover what you truly want. Whether you’ve had an experience similar to the depression and aloneness we felt in our lives, have had tragedy strike and don’t know where else to turn, feel trapped in your life and the choices you’ve made, or simply, like us, know there are ways to create a better life even if your life is wonderful now—this book is for you.
No matter where you are in your life, how much money you make, how happy you are in your job or how strong your relationships, we believe—in fact, we know—that you can always make your life a gazillion times better!
In the following chapters, we have all sorts of exercises that require your participation. As you go through the book, allow yourself to become active and engaged. We urge you to take the time to do the exercises. Many of them ask you to write down your thoughts. Although there is space to write in the book, for those who like to write a little more, purchase a notebook and use that as you go through the book. We promise that if you put in the effort to be an active participant in this book, you’ll get more out it!
Many people presume they know who they are, while others are either unsure of who they are or are absolutely sure they don’t have a clue as to who they really are and what they’re doing on this planet at all. This chapter is all about discovering, or rediscovering, who you are now and who you ultimately want to be.
In school, teachers often asked, ‘What do you want to be when you leave here?’ instead of asking, ‘Who do you want to be?’
Just think about it! We spend our lives trying to better our situations, whereas the trick is to improve who we are in order to bring about the practical changes we want. By trying to change the outside world to get an inner change (i.e., feel better), we have been putting the cart before the horse.
First you need to examine your beliefs about who you are. If you like what you are about, then you can hold on to and develop that. If you’re unsatisfied with any aspects of who you are, that can be modified just as easily.
Most people merely take themselves for granted, feeling that they’re stuck with who they are, that they were simply ‘born this way.’ Many people think that life coaching is just about making more profits in your business, losing a few pounds or attracting members of the opposite sex. It can be (and often is) about all this and more, but there would be no point if people weren’t happy with themselves after they’d achieved the desired changes.
Making changes in your life starts with transforming the way you think about yourself and your life. It’s worth keeping in mind that in order for any major positive movement to come about, you have to believe that YOU CAN DO THIS. We are not suggesting that you become a completely unrecognizable person, but rather a person who has earth-moving qualities that transport you to amazing life achievement and possibilities.
Starting right now you must know more about who you are, or rather who you perceive yourself to be. So first we’ll ask you to describe yourself as clearly as possible. Write down the first seven major things you think of in the areas of your physical body, your emotional makeup and where you are at intellectually.
This is not necessarily to categorize you, but to find out where you’re coming from in order to move forward. Remember, this is not about finding fault with yourself; this is a building process, not a demolition job. Before you begin, take a look at the examples below.
PHYSICALLY – ARE YOU …?
overweight, toned, undemonstrative, gesture-happy, disadvantaged, advantaged, slim, playful, plain, attractive, stunning, affectionate, spontaneous, over- or under-sexed, stylish, cold, lethargic, energetic, obese, rhythmic, broad, unattentive, fit, vital, healthy, ill, fragile, robust, smoking, stressed, drinking alcohol, doing the couch-potato thing, eating high-sugar or high-fat food, prone to road rage, slouching, frowning, drinking coffee or other poisons, not getting enough sleep, not having enough fun, well groomed, always taking the stairs rather than the elevator, having good posture, getting regular check-ups, having regular massages, eating fresh fruit and vegetables, working out, brushing your teeth regularly, participating in team sports, smiling and laughing a lot.
EMOTIONALLY – ARE YOU …?
sad, joyous, resentful, passionate, optimistic, forgiving, young, understanding, stable, giddy, volatile, steady, secure, depressed, pessimistic, tearful, strong, affirming, mature, flighty, stifled, delighted, connected, fun, aggressive, ‘poor me’ victim, self-righteous, forthright, vibrant, guilty, active, distant, uninvolved, complimentary, glad, demanding, independent, old, co-dependent, lacking confidence, adventurous, gloomy, blessed, challenged, demonstrative, stimulating, charged, captivating, inspired, blocked, insulting, shining, gentle, giving, empty, shy, lonely, numb, upbeat, trusting, excited, nervous, insecure, scared, ecstatic, analytical, living in the past, fine, loving, stressed, loved, self-destructive, worthless, putting yourself down, off the deep end, unstoppable, sulky, disturbed, balanced, serene, thrilled, defiant, animated, energized, wound up, bored, agitated, calm, composed, tranquil, relaxed, alive.
INTELLECTUALLY – ARE YOU …?
sharp, challenged, slow, smart, argumentative, confrontational, stupid, average learner, superintelligent, boaster, above average, inquiring, lazy, daring, assuming, know-it-all, focused, effortless, bookworm, aimless, tunnel-visioned, floaty, a leader, a nerd, uninvolved, above average IQ, snobbish, preacher, idiot, simple-minded, analytical, not very well educated, supercharged, too old to learn, challenged, a follower, boring, take it as it comes, teacher, accurate, driven, playful, passionate, consumed, philosophical, carefree, an expert, an amateur, an author, a bullshitter, dizzy, directed, opinionated, jumpy, sparkly, wise, knowledgeable.
Jot down the words quickly, using the preceding lists to get ideas, without wondering too hard or trying to make it sound right. (If you want to broaden your understanding of yourself in these areas you can repeat the exercise later in more detail.)
Write the positive and negative traits first. Then write what you would like to be, including those aspects of yourself that you would like to hold on to and develop.
EXAMPLE
Excerpt from our client Jennifer’s list
I AM …
POSITIVE |
NEGATIVE |
I WOULD PREFER |
I WOULD LIKE |
energetic |
smoker |
to be a nonsmoker |
vitality |
thrilled |
codependent |
to be assertive |
self-reliance, calm |
focused |
too old to learn |
to learn |
drive |
Scribble away with the first notions that come to mind, as there are no right or wrong answers.
With the positive part of your list, you have identified what you believe your strengths to be. Congratulate yourself on these. Fair play to you! It’s important to remind yourself what a great job you’re already doing with your life.
With the negative part of your list, you have identified limiting self-beliefs that have been holding you back. You have also stated what you would prefer to be and to have more of. Now make a decision that you are ready for, and excited about, the next step. Follow the example below, and put your descriptive words into positive statements that follow.
‘Decision’ literally means cutting off all other possibilities. In other words, there is no going back on this resolution. For example, Jennifer decided that she preferred to be a nonsmoker and have more vitality. Take a look at Jennifer’s list below and focus on your own preferences and beliefs, as she has done here.
From now on Jennifer’s new self-beliefs are: