ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Perry Wood studied music at the Guildhall School of Music and worked a a professional musician until 1990, when he moved to Exmoor to work with horses. Gradually his career began to include teaching communication skills to senior executives in major corporations. A ground-breaking workshop leader, musician and published author, today Perry Wood lives in the South West of England.
By the same author:
Real Riding (2002)
Practical Horse Whispering (2003)
Using the art of communication
to enhance your own life,
and the lives of others
Perry Wood
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Copyright © 2004 Perry Wood
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ISBN: 9781409046622
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Dedicated to my dear Esaya;
you gave me so much:
I had never experienced such freedom and joy
until you came into my life
and shared those gifts with me.
God bless your soul
Heartfelt thanks to my family, friends and all those who have supported me regardless of what is happening.
My thanks and respect to Judith Kendra at Rider for her vision, gentleness and professionalism in publishing this book. Thanks also to Sue Lascelles for being a very understanding, talented and patient editor, and to all at Random House who have contributed in bringing this book to life and out into the world.
Thanks and unconditional love to Tenor for being a loyal companion through thick and thin.
Love and thanks to Monte (and his band of happy followers) for setting a great example in how to be a kind, noble and powerful leader.
Thanks to Andrew McFarlane, Elaine Harrison and all at Leadchange: I could not have wished for better people to work with and have as partners. Thanks also to Andrew for being such a model of integrity, and to Elaine for speaking with such intuitive insight that I have, on occasions, been literally floored. My love and thanks to Margrit Coates for being my guardian angel.
Thanks to all of my coaching clients and students: coaching and learning are two-way streets, which mean you have helped and taught me at least as much as I have taught you.
Thanks to Kate Parkes for coming out with cracking gems of wisdom just when I needed them.
Huge thanks to all the people whom I have found challenging, difficult, scary or downright impossible over the years: you may have contributed more to my writing this book than anyone else!
My appreciation to 'the family' at Mataji Yogananda's centre in Somerset for your work in bringing the gifts of pure meditation and Kriya Yoga to so many people, including myself: it really is priceless, thank you.
Finally, thanks to anyone who reads this book and, as a result of using the secrets of the people whisperer in their lives, makes the world a more joyful place for themselves and others to live in.
I am in the car with my father. We are on our way to the coast to spend a couple of days together. I sense that he is seriously ill and that he may not last beyond Christmas: it is now the end of October. I am afraid about this, not because we are very close, but because we are not very close. We have not really communicated, except on a superficial level, for years.
I had asked him to come away with me so that we might talk. I wanted to make my peace with him, there were things I felt I needed to know from him before he was gone forever and time was running out. Normally it was my mother who did most of the talking while my father lived almost silently in his own reclusive world: reading a novel, watching TV or listening to music with his head phones on.
For the first couple of hours on the journey I was asking myself whether this was such a good idea. Our conversation was on the usual superficial level and I wondered if we were going to get on to anything meaningful that I wanted to hear from him.
Suddenly the conversation opened up: he began to talk and didn't stop talking for two whole days. He told me stuff I wanted to know, stuff I'd wondered about and stuff that had never even entered my head. He told me the reasons why he hadn't wanted children and the reasons he'd decided to have them anyway. He told me how it was for him as a child and how it was for him when he had small children of his own. He told me how money had been for him. He told me how much he loved my mother. He told me how much he loved my brother and me and how proud he was of us. He talked about sex. He told me what he was afraid of, what his fears were and what hurt him even after many decades had passed. He told me things that I hold in my heart and cannot share with you or anyone else.
By releasing all the things that he had kept locked up for so long, by communicating openly and honestly, I finally understood so much about him, and about myself, too. By what he communicated, he had freed me, and 1 hope that in some way he had freed himself.
Following the trip away with my father, I began to think about all of the significant relationships in my life, past and present, and the effects that communication had on them. I reflected on what adults had communicated to us as children, about how my parents had communicated with each other, how I had lost close touch with my brother. I reflected on how, despite there being a great deal of love, so much of my marriage had been nine years of anger, frustration, feeling unloved, lonely and misunderstood, and how this had finally led to divorce. How the business I had co-run for twelve years, although successful, had been an uphill struggle because of how my partner and I communicated with each other, our staff, suppliers and clients.
It seemed that I had been brilliant at saying the wrong thing, at hurting people's deepest feelings, at being misunderstood or misinterpreting what someone was telling me without ever intending to do so.
If my mouth was open, I would put my foot in it.
If there was something teeth-jarringly inappropriate to say, I would say it.
If there was a way to appear completely uncaring, I would find it.
The two days with my father were a crystallisation of a mystery, the answers to which I had been searching for fifteen years. What I searched for and began to discover are the 'Secrets of the People Whisperer'. Though I should really say 're-discovered', for although the methods presented in this book may appear to be totally new, they have always been there, despite remaining largely hidden from many of us.
Communication, whether good or bad, is a huge issue in every area of all of our lives: in personal, business, family, friendship and intimate relationships. How wonderful and liberating would it be then, to become a highly skilled communicator? A people whisperer? What would it be like to truly understand other people and to be truly understood, to move effortlessly through life with more ease, love, fun and joy?
Everything that happens communicates something. Everything we think do or say is a communication – which means it gives out a message – and each and every message has an impact on shaping our lives, for better or for worse: even love itself is a form of communication. This raises all kinds of exciting possibilities and questions . . .
How do you communicate with your loved ones?
What are you communicating to the environment?
What kind of communications happen in your workplace or business?
If you have a spiritual guide or God in your life, how do you communicate with them and how do they communicate with you?
Most fundamentally: how do you communicate with yourself?
The answers to these questions are some of the secrets of people whispering; that is, to be aware of what you and other people are communicating on every level, mentally, verbally, physically and spiritually, and to be adept at interacting with kindness, understanding, skill, power and subtlety.
The secrets of people whispering work in every situation in our lives: from intimate relationships with loved ones to work environments, even to situations where we and our enemies meet. Some people have always had a few pieces of the jigsaw, some part of the secrets, but it is only now, in the twenty-first century, 'the Communication Age,' with mobile phones, text messaging, e-mails, the Internet and all manner of communication mediums, that the secrets of people whispering have been drawn together in such a way.
I have been very fortunate in needing to improve my communication skills so badly. I was 'asking' to learn and, as the saying goes, 'When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears'. And my teachers did appear.
My master teachers communicate at a very subtle level. They have refined their skills over the last sixty million years to a very high degree and their very survival depends upon it. They do not use words and do not judge; they are noble, quick-witted and very powerful; they sense true intentions, integrity and have an innate sense of justice. These master teachers are horses. When you get your communication wrong with a person, you may end up having an argument or someone sulking. When you get it wrong with half a ton of hyper-sensitive flight animal, you know about it!
I spent a number of years studying some of the great riding masters. I worked training, breeding and starting (breaking in) young horses and developing ways to communicate with these magnificent creatures. My experiences ultimately led to me writing a groundbreaking book about my approach with horses, in order to share some of the knowledge I had accumulated.
As my life and experience with horses expanded, I spent a great deal of time working at the occluded front – where horses and people meet – teaching people to improve their communication with horses and, as an unintended side-effect, helping people to discover how people communicate with themselves.
My experiences of horse whispering led me to see horses as a mirror: they reflect back very clearly whatever it is that you are communicating to them. I then realised that people are, in fact, exactly the same: they also reflect back to you, although sometimes it is difficult to see this because the use of words, judgements, gossip, acting and preconceived notions often act as a smoke-screen.
The discoveries about communication that were surfacing as a result of my years as a professional horseman took me on to another unintended path: that of running 'breakthrough' workshops with horses, coaching executives from major corporations in their leadership and communication skills. My work had taken me from horse whispering into people whispering, so to speak. Both require a high degree of self and other-awareness, to know exactly what you are communicating, intentionally or not, at all times and to truly listen to what others are communicating.
During my work coaching executives in corporations, as well as private individuals, I have seen more and more how we shape every aspect of our lives by the way we communicate with ourselves and others. These communications are often so automatic or so subtle that we are oblivious to them and really do not know what we are communicating: the secrets of people whispering will bring light into your communications and equip you with the tools to create immediate and profound improvements to every interaction you have.
Secrets of the People Whisperer will show you simple and incredible ways to connect with your true self, other people and the world at large on many different levels. It will show you how to understand and be understood; to truly listen and give space in which people can express themselves without fear or judgement; to ask for what you want and have a far greater chance of getting it. Through its guidance, you will come to know others and yourself better on physical, mental and energy levels; you will begin to go beyond personality and allow the true 'being' within yourself and others to shine through. Ultimately, you will discover how to give every relationship and meeting you ever have the best possible chance of success. You will find out how to ask for what you want – and how to get it – from the Universe itself. (What I mean by 'Universe' in the context of this book is anything and everything other than your body and your conscious thoughts: you may wish to think of it as your Higher Self, your subconscious, the environment, God or whatever else makes sense to you.) I suggest that you read one chapter at a time so that you can inwardly digest the essence of each secret before moving on to the next one.
When you make use of the secrets of people whisperer in your life – at home, at work and at play – it is not a gift from me to you, it is a gift from you to yourself. Out of love and respect for yourself and the people in your life, I urge you to give and receive that gift and enjoy the kind of experiences you deserve.
My sense about my father's illness around Christmas-time had been right. On Boxing Day he suddenly became very ill, doubled up with pain in his stomach. He was rushed to hospital where it was discovered that he was suffering from previously undiagnosed cancer in his gut, and worse, the cancer had punctured a hole through the lining of the gut and caused peritonitis. He was operated on immediately and miraculously survived. Afterwards, the surgeon said that had they not operated on him that day he would have been dead the next.
During every single relationship or communication you ever have there is always one regular participant: you. No matter how much time you spend with your family, friends, work colleagues or loved ones, there is one person you will always spend more time with than with any of them: you.
It really isn't easy to know anyone very well, and the scary thing is that the person who is often the hardest to get to know is ourselves. But getting to know ourselves is one of the most important things that we can ever do if we want to communicate with anyone else effectively. So the first question is: how do you find out who you really are?
Let's ask another question: who are you not? You're not any one of the other six billion or so humans on the planet . . . That means you are totally unique. Wow! Let's ponder that for a moment: there is no one else amongst an unimaginable six billion people who has your fingerprints, your eyes, your teeth, your body, your personality, your experiences or your thoughts. That means you're absolutely incredible. In the vastness of time and space, from the Big Bang onwards into the eternal future, across the infinity of the Universe, no one will ever be you – except you. That's big! It makes you special beyond words.
So what would you like to do with your unique and extraordinary life? What would you like to express? Who would you like to touch in some way? Would you like to bring love or hate? Will you create beauty or a mess? What difference do you really want to make? Whatever you decide, it's important to remember that however small your contribution may seem to you, the Universe will know. It cannot but feel what you have done, are doing and will do while you're here in this life. Your contribution will make a difference: it is impossible for it to do otherwise.
So who exactly are you? Are you your body? Are you your mind? Did you first come into being when you were born or when you were conceived? Did you exist in any form before you were conceived? In order to start opening yourself up to your true self and your incredible potential, think again of all the things you've been told about who you are and about how you came into being . . .
What if your body is just a suit that you are wearing until it wears out? Or a costume you're wearing for a particular role in a play, and when the performance is over you'll take it off again? What if your 'personality' or self-identity is a role you are playing in some kind of cosmic theatrical production? And when this performance is over you will stop pretending to be this 'person' and go back to being your real self instead . . . What if your mind is a computer that was completely empty when you started out, but other people have been filling it with 'stuff since it was first powered up? So now it's so clogged up with 'spam', old programs and deleted files, you don't know which bits you need and which bits you don't . . . And, then, sometimes it crashes for no reason whatsoever!
In truth, our bodies are amazing machines and much of what we programme into our minds is fabulously useful . . . Have a go at this: watch objectively as your body makes a cup of coffee. Put the kettle on; sense how your mind operates your body almost unconsciously; watch the incredibly complex manoeuvres your hands perform with beautiful precision, accuracy and timing – opening the jar, handling the teaspoon like a surgeon at work; scooping just the right amount of coffee and sugar like a master artist, pouring just the right amount of milk . . . And note how normally when you make coffee you don't even think about what you're doing; you chat, watch TV, read or think about something else, somewhere else in the past or future. Your computer mind runs your body and your body carries out these incredible operations all day, every day! How do you do that? How amazing is that?
If your body is a temporary suit and your mind is a sometimes rebellious computer, what else is there? What other parts of you are there when the body is still and your thoughts stop? Your body has probably changed through the time you've had it (I know mine has!), and your mind is constantly developing and being fed new information, so is there anything about you that is a constant? In addition to your changing body and developing mind, somewhere inside you probably feel like the same person now as you always were, even as a small child.
In case you are wondering what all this has to do with people whispering, let me ask you, at what level do you think that true communication really takes place? The answer is that much of what happens in true people whispering occurs at an almost indefinable level, beyond the body and mind.
Many people talk about the Soul, Spirit, Inner Energy field, subconscious or many other terms for that part of us that isn't our body and mind. Some people deny its existence because – they argue – we can't see it, measure it or prove it is there.
There is no doubt that to define our spirit or essence in words, ideas, thoughts or form seems practically impossible, but then of course it would be indefinable: the soul is beyond the body and mind. If the body could touch it or the mind could analyse it, then it would be within their reach and not beyond them. (Remember that no one could see, hear, smell, measure or prove that electricity existed until the 1800s: that didn't mean it wasn't there!)
Looking into your own soul
It is said that the eyes are the 'windows of the soul'. Go really close to the mirror with your face and look deeply into the pupils of your own eyes. How does it make you feel? Awe-struck, afraid, uncomfortable, embarrassed, filled with love, uplifted, nothing whatsoever? Stay there for a while and feel whatever comes up. Do you notice yourself looking at one eye more than the other? Do you feel you have to keep looking away? Do you feel drawn further in?
See how you feel when you are upset with someone or something and then go to the mirror and repeat the same exercise.
See how you feel if you do the same exercise with another person (with their permission): take a non-judgemental and unhurried look into their soul by looking deeply into the pupils of their eyes.
Sometimes people can really inspire us, not by what their bodies look like (although that can be very interesting!), what they say or how their minds work, but somehow by who they really are. When we meet someone who is genuinely comfortable with themselves, someone who knows who they really are, it touches something deep within us that yearns to be touched – to be let out into the light, to be recognised, to be freed to work the miracles that our inner self is waiting to perform for us, if only we would let it. When I work with people and they have even a momentary glimpse into the cavernous infinity of their true inner self, they are stunned, elated and awe-struck by the realisation of their true potential . . . Yet each and every one of us has this vastness and potential within us.
There is only one thing in the whole universe that stops us from living life as our true selves, and that is ourselves. But why would we want to stop ourselves from being who we really are? Perhaps we do this for the same reasons we choose to make life more difficult than it needs to be: perhaps it is for the learning.
And what could possibly hold us back once we allow ourselves to be our true selves? The answer is, probably nothing.
Things to do:
As we begin to take a closer look at who we really are, we may be tempted to categorise or judge whatever we unearth. So let's go one step further on our journey into people whispering by exploring how we can overcome the ways in which we sometimes close ourselves off from truly communicating by being judgemental about ourselves and others.
We spend so much time judging ourselves and the people around us. Even in little ways that we don't notice, we judge our behaviour, our performance, our experiences, our responses and abilities in everything we do; likewise we judge others in the same way. Being judgemental is a social addiction. Read the papers and you will see judgement, judgement, judgement. Listen to people speak about themselves or others: judgement again. Act like a fly on the wall in practically every workplace, drinking bar or home in the world and we will overhear conversation that is carrying judgement with it. Judgement is often the result of comparing how things actually are to how we think they should be; and making that comparison means we are not accepting reality as it really is. By so doing, we create unhappiness and interfere with the flow of true communication.
Passing judgement over ourselves and others stifles possibilities, creates barriers between people and makes us believe in limitation. Judgement creates a vicious circle: if every time we do something we are judged for it, we will become less willing to take action, take risks, be creative, attempt things or allow things to flow because we think we will be judged again – which we will be, by ourselves if not by others! By constantly going over mistakes and shortcomings, real or imagined, we become crippled and stuck in a life of limitation, which means we begin to act in ways that are not who we really are, in order to minimise how much we are judged. If we are judging and thinking about whether what was just done or said was good or bad, we are missing the present moment, which means we are not giving our attention or best abilities to what is happening now! Highly successful people don't hang around beating themselves up for failures or judging themselves; they just get on with it.
Not judging yourself doesn't mean that you are indifferent, that you don't care or that you are being irresponsible . . . It means knowing that you are doing the best you can do in that situation with the skills you have at that time. You can always turn around and say you could have done better or you should have done something different, but at the time you did what you did. That was what you were meant to do at the time. Accept it and move forwards.
Transcend judgement by accepting yourself, other people and things just the way they are, not good or bad, just simply as they are. It can take a huge leap of consciousness to do that: it really is not that easy to do. We are trained and imbued with a judgemental way of viewing the world from our earliest years, but it is not what someone does, where they work, how they dress or what car they drive that really matters: it is who they really are underneath that counts. Underneath, everyone is an equal being.
If it is true that the Universe is listening, when we judge somebody, even if they are a thousand miles away, that judgement will be ringing its way out across the ether and will somehow find its way to causing harm. If you always spoke about other people as though they were standing right next to you, how might you change what you are saying about them? Be aware that you don't even have to express a judgement of someone verbally for that person to sense it: they unconsciously feel you judging them.
People whisperers endeavour not to be judgemental of anyone, including themselves and, by doing so, they become good company and lights of attraction. When you communicate with another person and don't judge them, it allows them the freedom to express themselves and be who they really are. This makes it safe for them to speak or act without fear of assessment, reprisal or comeback. When you don't judge people they will be inexplicably drawn to you; they will enjoy spending time with you because there is a freedom in your company and you have a lightness about you that is rarely felt or seen.
Things to do:
As well as dropping judgement, one of the other ways in which we can enable true communication is by risking being open. In order to experience life in full colour and live life in its full glory, we have to be open. That means being open to the incredible things that life has to offer, such as joy, love, beauty, success, play, laughter, but also being open to hurt, struggle, grief or loss . . . it seems you can't have one without the other!
Generally speaking, the most fun you can have, and some of the worst times you can have, are all to do with the people in your life. It seems that to experience life fully means being open to whatever others bring into your life. Being open is a two-way street: we are open to receive, but also open to give. We can be open to understanding someone else's feelings: and open to sharing our own feelings. We can be open to accepting someone else's reality: and open to sharing our own reality honestly with someone else. We can be open to new experiences, and be open to showing new experiences to someone else.
Sometimes it is as though our soul places us into situations through which it has the best chance of experiencing all that life has to offer, both joyful and painful, and it prises us open, to allow those experiences to flood in. Being open means stepping outside your regular comfort zone, lowering your defences, dropping the familiar secure routine. People who are open are more prepared to face the things they fear most; fortunately, risking being open to feeling more is usually the way to find your greatest gifts, your ultimate freedom and potential. There is only one drawback with accessing your greatest gifts – peace, joy, potential and all – you have to dare go there!
Being Open to Hurt
It is pretty well impossible to go through life without anyone hurting you: to avoid it you would have to live in a very cocooned world of your own, not really letting anyone get close to you or continually withdrawing at the point where things start to feel risky to you. That's fine if that is enough for you, but as human beings we are naturally intimate, sociable and loving creatures who thrive best on interactions with our fellow people. By distancing yourself or staying closed to having someone near to your vulnerable parts, you miss many opportunities. It is really the ego that fears being hurt: the real you, 'who you really are' is impervious to this kind of pain. It is only by taking the risk of losing that we can gain and move forwards.
Sometimes people may hurt you without meaning to or even knowing that they are hurting you: if you let them know that they are hurting you in a non-accusational way, they may be amazed, surprised or sorry . . .
Risking being open does not mean in any way being stupid or reckless with our personal safety, although it can take quite a bit of hammering to crack our shell off if we have grown a very thick and protective version. There may be times when we willingly, desperately want to break out of our protective shell, but we have made it so strong that it takes some kind of major life trauma to crack it open and free us to be our true selves: traumas and difficulties give people a choice to open more to life, or to shrink and close, to protect themselves from a possible repeat of the hurt.
Everything is relative: what may seem comfortable to you may be a very scary degree of 'opening' to someone else. If you know someone who is in the process of breaking out of their shell, it is not always a great idea to be proactive in helping them. People open at the rate and to the extent that they can manage.
Being Open to the New
Being open to the new inevitably means risking the unknown, but without going into the unknown all we will ever do is go around in the same circle, like wearing a groove in the ground where we walk round and round. What happens to most of us, if we walk the same familiar path for too long is that our soul, or fate, bad luck, good luck or just stuff happening – whatever you want to call it – something happens to push us out of that safe zone and into changes in life.
It is less costly to move forwards in life by being open than to move forwards by being forced . . . it is actually impossible to stand still in life, but our fear of being open to the new often makes us try to stand still. It would probably be easier for us to fly without wings or walk on water than to make life stand still: let us therefore be open to moving forwards and allow our channels to be open and clear to enable the art of communication to come alive in our lives.
Things to do:
Having looked into who you really are and accepted what you found without the need to judge, you have taken a huge first step on the road to discovering the people whisperer within yourself. By this action, you will have begun to expand your ability to communicate with more integrity, openness and honesty, and as you continue with this process of knowing more and more who you really are, your channels of communication will become ever clearer. The next secret of the people whisperer will take this exploration into how you communicate with yourself even further, by tuning in to what your thoughts and feelings are saying.