The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book

Comedian and TV star, Tim Vine, will have you laughing for hours with this new, abridged version of his hilarious joke book …

So I went to the doctors. I said, ‘I got hurt in a pillow fight.’ He said, ‘You’ve got concushion.’

Believe it or not there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Open up to find these funny puns, plus many more original jokes and illustrations. You won’t be able to put it down!

This bloke said to me, he said, ‘I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away.’ I said, ‘That’s a bit far-fetched.’

After I’ve had an argument I sometimes hold a Hoover over my head. It helps clear the air.

The other day I sat on a hairdryer. That put the wind up me.

I’ve got a friend who’s a very tall blade of grass. He’s easily swayed.

This bloke said to me, he said, ‘I bet you can’t name a famous Egyptian landmark.’ I said, ‘That’s what you Sphinx.’

My dog’s bark is worse than his bite because he hasn’t got any teeth, and when he barks people’s ears explode.

I saw a twenty-foot parrot the other day. You could knock me down with a feather.

I was adopted by a sports car. He took me under his wing mirror.

The other day I tied my head to a dog’s tail. I just fancied a bit of a chinwag.

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

I was watching a horror film and my skin peeled off my body and started tip-toeing round the house. I thought, this film is making my skin creep.

I saw this extinct bird with a hunchback. It was Quasidodo.

I didn’t have a happy upbringing. I remember my third birthday party. I was fifteen.

I saw this angry verruca. He was on the wart path.

I spent the whole of today pruning. I was just chucking prunes at people.

My girlfriend is covered from head to toe in grass. Her name’s Lorna.

So I went down the local hotel, and I said, ‘Can you put me up?’ and he nailed me to the ceiling.

This bloke said to me, he said, ‘Why have you got manure on your head?’ I said, ‘I’ve just had my hair dung.’

What has lots of legs and a machine gun? A caterkiller.

I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney.

Exit signs, they’re on the way out.

Black Beauty, he’s a dark horse.

I’ve got a sponge front door. Hey, don’t knock it.

I was working in a garage and Little Bo Peep walked in. She said, ‘There’s smoke coming out of my bonnet.’ I said, ‘Your hair’s on fire.’

When I drive my car eggs shoot out the boot. It’s a hatchback.

I’m colour blind but it doesn’t stop me enjoying life. The other night I saw Joseph and His Amazing Brown Coat. It was great.

I was working in a health-food shop and this bloke walked in. He said, ‘Would you like some Alpen?’ I said, ‘I suppose you think that’s a muesli?’

So I got a job at Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in. He said, ‘Give me two Whoppers.’ I said, ‘You’re good looking and your musicals are great.’

You invented Tipp-Ex – Correct me if I’m wrong.

So I was in the jungle and I saw this monkey with a tin-opener. I said, ‘You don’t need a tin-opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘I know, this is for the custard.’

This rabbit walked up to me. He said, ‘Are you lookin’ at me?’ It was Rabbit DeNiro.

I was working in a travel agent’s and this bloke walked in. He said, ‘I want to book a flight, very short notice.’ I said, ‘You’ve just missed it.’

He said, ‘I want to go somewhere hot and secluded.’ So I locked him in the photocopy room.

So I went to my GP and said, ‘I feel like I’ve been hit on the head by a set of bongos.’ He said, ‘You’ve probably got slight percussion.’

The doctor said, ‘You’re turning into an airport.’ I said, ‘Is it terminal?’

I’ve got a horse called Treacle. He’s got golden stirrups.

So I went down the local department store. I said, ‘I can’t decide whether to buy this bed or not.’ He said, ‘Do you want to sleep on it?’ I said, ‘Of course I do.’

I said, ‘How much is it?’ He said, ‘98.99.’ I said, ‘Make your mind up.’

I threw a stick in the sea and a round floating object brought it back to me. I said, ‘There’s a good buoy.’

Then a bag of cement went past at 100 miles an hour. I thought, That’s quicksand.

I went to the doctor and I said, ‘Why have I got crow’s feet on the side of my eyes?’ He said, ‘There’s a crow sitting on your forehead.’