Cover
About the Book
About the Author
Title Page
Introduction
Chapter 1: E.A.S.Y. Isn’t Necessarily Easy (But It Works!): Getting Your Baby on a Structured Routine
Chapter 2: Teaching Babies How to Sleep: The First Three Months and the Six Troubleshooting Variables
Chapter 3: Pick Up/Put Down: A Sleep Training Tool – Four Months to a Year
Chapter 4: ‘We’re Still Not Getting Enough Sleep’: Sleep Problems after the First Year
Index
Copyright
‘I can’t get my five-week-old to sleep in her cot.’ ‘My six-week-old resists his naps.’ ‘My baby is three months old and is still waking up throughout the night.’
Sleep is the number one issue that plagues parents from the moment they bring their baby home from hospital. Even the lucky ones, whose babies are naturally good sleepers, wonder when their baby will sleep through the night.
Tracy Hogg’s incredible sensitivity and ability to read infants’ cries, coos and assorted baby noises quickly earned her the admiration and gratitude of high-profile couples, including a host of celebrities. With reassuring, down-to-earth advice, her practical sleep programme will help you overcome your baby’s sleep problems and works with infants from as young as a day old.
A lifesaver for any busy parent.
The late Tracy Hogg trained at Great Ormond Street Hospital and continued her education in midwifery and caring for newborns at St James’ Hospital in Leeds and St Catherine’s Hospital, Doncaster. She migrated to the US in 1993 where her uncanny ability to understand and calm babies led to her nickname ‘The Baby Whisperer’.
Melinda Blau is an award-winning writer specialising in family and health topics. She is the author of seven other books and countless magazine articles and is the mother of two grown-up children.
I have always been proud of my ability to help parents understand and care for their young children and feel honoured whenever a family asks me into its life. During this time, on my website and in my email inbox, I’ve been inundated with requests for help, often on the subject of sleep. Maybe you’re trying to get your baby on a structured routine to teach him to sleep better, or maybe your toddler is beginning to have sleep problems, but you’re not sure what to do or even if the same principles apply to eight-month-olds as to newborns. When parents come to me with a particular challenge, I always ask at least one, if not a string of questions, both about the child and about what parents have done so far in response to their situation. Then I can come up with a proper plan of action. My goal is to help you understand my thought process and get you in the habit of asking questions for yourself.
Baby whispering begins by observing, respecting and communicating with your baby – observing body language, listening to cries, slowing down so that you can really figure out what’s going on. It means that you see your child’s personality and particular quirks – and you tailor your parenting strategies accordingly.
‘Why doesn’t it work?’ is by far one of the most common questions parents ask. Whether a mum is trying to get her infant to sleep more than two hours at a time or her toddler to nap properly, I often hear the old ‘yes, but’ response. ‘Yes, I know you told me I have to wake her during the day in order for her to sleep at night, but …’ ‘Yes, I know you told me it will take time, but …’
Granted, I know that some babies are more challenging than others – just like adults – but my baby whispering techniques do work; I’ve used them myself with thousands of babies.
When problems persist, it’s usually because of something the parents have done, so you need to ask yourself if one of the following statements applies to you:
You’re following your child, rather than establishing a routine. I’m a firm believer in a structured routine (see chapter 1). You start, ideally, from the day you bring your little bundle home from the hospital. You could also introduce a routine later, but the older the baby, the more trouble parents often have.
You’ve been doing accidental parenting. Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment parents sometimes do anything to make their baby stop crying or to get a toddler to calm down. Often, the ‘anything’ – whether walking, rocking, jiggling – turns into a bad habit that they later have to break – and that’s accidental parenting.
You’re not reading your child’s cues. ‘He used to be on schedule, and now he’s not. How do I get him back on track?’ When I hear any version of that phrase – ‘used to be and now is not’ – it usually means they’re paying more attention to the clock (or their own needs) than the baby himself.
You’re not factoring in that young children change constantly. I also hear the ‘used to be’ phrase when parents don’t realise that it’s time to make a shift; the only constant in the job of parenting is change.
You’re looking for an easy fix. The older a child is, the harder it is to break a bad habit caused by accidental parenting. Be patient.
You’re not really committed to change. If you’re trying to solve a problem, you have to want it solved – and have the determination and stamina to see it through to the end. If we stick with it, children do get used to the new way.
Parents sometimes delude themselves. They will insist that they’ve been trying a particular technique for two weeks and say it’s not working. Often they’ve tried for three or four days, and it worked, but a few days later they didn’t follow through with the original plan. The poor child is then confused.
If you’re not going to see something through, don’t do it. If you can’t do it on your own, enlist backup people.
You’re trying something that doesn’t work for your family or your personality. If you’re not comfortable doing a particular technique, either don’t do it, or find ways to bolster yourself, by having the stronger parent take over for a bit, or enlisting a relative or a good friend to help.
It ain’t broke – and you don’t really need to fix it. Babies are individuals. Your baby may be sleeping less than another baby or have a smaller-than-average build. If it isn’t a concern to your doctor, just observe your child.
You have unrealistic expectations. Babies do sometimes need to feed in the night. Children require care, constant vigilance and lots of loving time.
I’m not a big fan of age charts and never have been. Babies’ challenges can’t be sorted into neat piles. Still, I have broken down my advice and tailored various techniques according to age groupings to give you a better understanding of how your child thinks and sees the world. I urge you to read all the stages, because earlier problems can persist, or your child might be more advanced in a particular area.
You can read this book cover to cover, or just look up the problems you’re concerned about and go from there. However, I strongly recommend that you at least read through chapter 1, which reviews my basic philosophy of a structured routine for your child. Throughout, I’ve tried to zero in on the most common concerns that parents have when it comes to their child and sleep, and then share with you the kinds of questions I typically ask to find out what’s really going on (when I’ve reprinted emails and website postings, names and identifying details have been changed) and what I would suggest to deal with these concerns. You might be surprised by some of these, but I have lots of examples to demonstrate how successfully they’ve been applied in other families. So why not at least try them with yours?
Getting Your Baby on a Structured Routine
YOU PROBABLY HAVE a routine in the morning. You get up at roughly the same time, maybe you shower first or have your coffee, or perhaps you take your dog out for a brisk walk. Whatever you do, it’s probably pretty much the same every morning. If by chance something interrupts that routine, it can throw off your whole day. Human beings thrive when they know how and when their needs are going to be met and what’s coming next.
Well, that includes babies and young children. When a new mum brings her baby home from the hospital, I suggest a structured routine straightaway. I call it ‘E.A.S.Y.’, an acronym that stands for a predictable sequence of events that pretty much mirrors how adults live their lives, albeit in shorter chunks: Eat, have some Activity (so the little one doesn’t associate eating with sleeping) and go to Sleep, which leaves a bit of time for You. It is not a schedule, because you cannot fit a baby into a clock. It’s a routine that gives the day structure and makes family life consistent.
With E.A.S.Y., you don’t follow the baby; you observe him carefully, tune in to his cues, but you take the lead, gently encouraging him to follow what you know will make him thrive. The acronym is simply designed to help parents remember the order of the routine.
Eating affects sleep and activity; activity affects eating and sleeping; sleep affects activity and eating – changes in one usually affect the other two. Although your baby will transform over the coming months as she grows, the order in which each letter occurs does not:
Eat. Your baby’s day starts with a feed, which goes from all-liquid to liquids and solids at six months. You’re less likely to overfeed or underfeed a baby who’s on a routine.
Activity. Infants entertain themselves by staring at the wallpaper. But as your baby develops she will interact more with her environment and move about. A structured routine helps prevent babies from becoming overstimulated.
Sleep. Sleep helps your baby grow. And good naps during the day will make her go for longer stretches at night, because she needs to be relaxed in order to sleep well.
Your time. If every day is different and unpredictable, your baby will be miserable – and you’ll barely have a moment for yourself.
Parents who actually chart their baby’s day by writing everything down have less trouble sticking to a routine or establishing it for the first time. They will also find patterns more obvious – it will be clearer how sleep and eating and activity are interrelated.
E.A.S.Y. isn’t necessarily easy. Some babies will adapt more rapidly and readily than others because of their basic temperament. And some special birth conditions (like prematurity or jaundice) or a particular infant’s weight mean that E.A.S.Y. needs to be adapted. Also, some parents misunderstand how to apply E.A.S.Y. For instance, they take ‘every three hours’ literally and wonder what kind of activity should be done after a feed in the middle of the night. (None – you send him right back to sleep.)
A structured routine is not the same thing as a schedule. A schedule is about time slots whereas E.A.S.Y. is about keeping up the same daily pattern – eating, activity and sleeping – and repeating that pattern every day. If you’re busy watching the clock, instead of your baby, you’ll miss important signals (like the first signs of tiredness). So if one day he seems tired before it’s ‘time’ to put him down, don’t let the clock threaten you. Let your common sense take over.
When parents come home from the hospital and start E.A.S.Y., I usually suggest that they keep a log, so that they keep track of exactly what their baby is eating and doing, how long she’s sleeping, and also what the mum is doing for herself.
Establishing a routine for the first time gets a bit harder as the baby grows, especially if you’ve never had structure. So, no matter how old your baby is, it’s a good idea to read through all the sections, because, as I will remind you repeatedly, you can’t base strategies solely on age.
The first six weeks: adjustment time
The first six weeks is the ideal time to start E.A.S.Y., which generally starts out as a three-hour plan. Your baby eats, plays after his feeds, you then set the scene for good napping. You rest while he rests, and when he wakes up, the cycle starts again.
The average baby cries somewhere between one and five hours out of 24 and we should never ignore a baby’s cries or, in my opinion, let him cry it out! Instead, we always have to try to figure out what he’s telling us. It’s understandable, but when the parents of young infants have problems with E.A.S.Y. it’s usually because they’re misreading their baby’s cries, confusing a hungry cry with an overtired cry, for example.
The crying questions
When a six-week or younger baby cries, it’s always easier to determine what she wants if you know where she is in her day. Ask yourself:
Is it time for a feed? (hunger)
Is her nappy wet or soiled? (discomfort or cold)
Has she been sitting in the same place or position without a change of scene? (boredom)
Has she been up for more than 30 minutes? (overtired)
Has she had lots of company or has there been a lot of activity in your household? (overstimulated)
Is she grimacing and pulling her legs up? (wind)
Is she crying inconsolably during or as much as an hour after feeds? (reflux)
Is she spitting up? (reflux)
Is the room too hot or cold, or is she under- or overdressed? (body temperature)
Note: Whether a baby is breast- or bottle-fed, I advise the above routine – allowing for variations in times – until four months old. The ‘A’ time will be shorter for younger babies, and get progressively longer for older ones. I also recommend turning the two ‘cluster feeds’ into one (at around 5.30 or 6) by eight weeks. Continue the dream feed until seven months – unless he’s a great sleeper and makes it through on his own.
Common complaints and probable causes
Complaint: |
I can’t get my baby to conform to a three-hour routine. I can’t get her to do even 20 minutes of activity time. |
Cause: |
If your baby weighs less than 3 kg (6½ pounds) at birth, she may need to eat every two hours at first (see ‘E.A.S.Y. by Weight’ here). Don’t try to keep her awake for activities. |
Complaint: |
My baby often falls asleep during feeds and seems hungry an hour later. |
Cause: |
This is common to premature, jaundiced, lowbirthweight and some simply sleepy babies. You might have to feed more often and definitely have to work at keeping him awake for his feeds. If breastfed, the cause could be improper latch-on, or mum’s milk supply. |
Complaint: |
My baby wants to eat every two hours. |
Cause: |
If your baby weighs 3 kg (6½ pounds) or more, he may not be eating efficiently. Watch out that he doesn’t turn into a ‘snacker’. If breastfed, the cause could be improper latch-on, or mum’s milk supply. |
Complaint: |
My baby is rooting all the time and I keep thinking he’s hungry, but he only takes a little bit at each feed. |
Cause: |
Your baby may not be getting enough suckling time, so he’s using the bottle or breast as a pacifier. He may be turning into a ‘snacker’. Check your milk supply by doing a yield. |
Complaint: |
My baby doesn’t take regular naps. |
Cause: |
He may be overstimulated by too much activity. Or you are not persevering with swaddling him and laying him down awake. |
Complaint: |
My baby is a great napper, but she’s up frequently at night. |
Cause: |
Your baby has switched night for day and her daytime sleep is robbing her night-time sleep. |
Complaint: |
I never know what my baby wants when he’s crying. |
Cause: |
Your baby may have a touchy or grumpy temperament or have a physical problem, such as wind, reflux or colic. Whatever the cause, you and he will do better if he’s on E.A.S.Y. |
E.A.S.Y. was designed for an average-weight newborn – 3–3.5 kg (6½–8 pounds) – babies who generally can last three hours between feeds. If your baby weighs more or less, you will have to adjust. The following chart shows how birthweight affects your baby’s routine. (After four months, even most low-weight babies can last four hours between feeds.) Note the time your baby usually wakes up, and write down approximate times based on your baby’s weight and the information in the ‘how often’ column. Allow for variation – it’s not the time slot that matters as much as predictability and order. To simplify, I’ve left out the ‘Y’-time for You. If your baby weighs less than 3 kg (6½ pounds), you won’t have much time for yourself, especially in the first six weeks. But hang in there – this phase will get better.
Six weeks to four months: unexpected wake-ups
Compared to the first six weeks at home – the classic post-partum period – during the next two and a half months or so, everyone starts to be on a more even keel. You’re more confident, and, we hope, a little less harried.
Common complaints and probable causes