Lions of Ireland

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This book is dedicated to those players who played for Ireland but were never awarded a cap.

Acknowledgements

I am very grateful to the many players, past and present, who shared their personal anecdotes with me. My thanks also to Ollie Campbell, Martina Cleary, Bill McLaren, Brian, Frank and Geraldine O’Driscoll and Tony Ward. Special thanks to Mick Quinn for his amazing treasure trove of stories. I am grateful to Bronagh O’Hanlon for her cartoons. Thanks to Bill Campbell and all at Mainstream for their enthusiastic support of this book.

Introduction

Former world boxing champion Chris Eubank tried to stop his son playing rugby because it is ‘the moth vicious thport on God’th earth’. It is hard to take seriously someone who also said, ‘All the rudiments for success in life are to be found in ironing trousers.’ Eubank’s comment shows that he fundamentally misunderstands the sport and criminally fails to appreciate its innate aesthetic appeal. At its best, rugby really is ‘the beautiful game’.

I should have been a great rugby player. I had the height. The only thing I lacked was even a tiny amount of skill. As my rugby career floundered, my kind cousin decided to open up another sporting career for me. He always claimed that I had ‘a good eye’ and on that basis decided I would be good at shooting. As he was an accomplished marksman, I trusted him implicitly. A Sunday afternoon was chosen for my investiture in my uncle’s farmyard in the west of Ireland. An empty Batchelors peas tin was put up on the wall and I was instructed on how to take aim. I squeezed the trigger and nearly fell over with the kick from the rifle. I looked up, but the Batchelors peas tin was still gloriously intact. I could tell from the horror on my cousin’s face that something terrible had happened. At first I couldn’t find the problem, but after a minute or two my eyes turned to the clothes-line, about 20 yards away from the wall. There was now a big, gaping hole in my uncle’s best shirt. Little wonder that my uncle has been shirty with me since.

Having failed dismally as a player, I had to content myself with being a fan. This book is the fruit of a lifelong addiction. Rugby talk is invariably fascinating for many reasons, not least of which is its delightful brand of articulate bitchery and polite savagery. The comments represent, in condensed form, the spontaneous venom of some of the thwarted high achievers: charming little darts, wicked little stabs, though sometimes not so little, which are merciless, battering some poor unfortunate without relief or hesitation. The following collection captures the sorrow, pain, elation, despair, affection, hostility and above all humour which are the fruits of this consuming passion.

If laughter be the food of rugby, play on. If you didn’t have humour, you couldn’t have rugby, given the often fluctuating fortunes of every team in the world. ‘You can’t always get what you want’, so sang the Rolling Stones. There are more defeats than victories on the big day. Rugby is one of the few entertainments where, no matter how many times you go back, you never know the ending. This collection compiles the highs and lows of the players inside sweaty, smelly dressing-rooms, of the managers and fans without whom rugby would cease to exist.

It’s really about beating your enemy which, wherever the game is played, is invariably England. This book also serves a serious purpose. It proves beyond reasonable doubt the sociological truth that the relationship between the English and the rest of the rugby world is based on trust and understanding: they don’t trust us and we don’t understand them!

It may be that Irish personalities feature somewhat disproportionately in this book. If so, I make no apologies for the fact. It has nothing to do with nationalist sentiment. In the history of international rugby, Ireland has won very few titles. On the World Cup and Grand Slam index, Ireland does not feature very prominently. Yet no student of the game would disagree that Ireland has given international rugby more than its fair share of great characters. In this category are people like Jack MacCaulay. He was said to be the first married man to be capped in international rugby in 1887 – according to rugby folklore he got wed just to get leave of absence from work to play for Ireland! Even club players have entered rugby’s international informal hall of fame with their celebrated wit. A case in point is Sam Hutton of Malone, not least because of his famous chat-up line, ‘Excuse me, darling, haven’t you met me somewhere before?’ They may not know how to win many titles but they certainly know how to have a laugh. If there is a doubting Thomas who would challenge this claim, then Odd-Shaped Balls is literally the book of evidence.

In theory, the rugby fields are a theatre in which an attempt is made to establish superior skill. In practice, they are often a forum where an engaging battle of wits occurs, with the figures on the scoreboard being momentarily the last thing on anyone’s mind. Sometimes the results are bemusing. More often, as we shall see, they are amusing. This collection reveals the unquenchable, insatiable wit that smoulders unseen under the mute, impassive faces of the world’s toughest men. The result is a wry, idiosyncratic and sometimes bizarre catalogue of comic creations. The veracity of many of the stories told in this collection would not stand up to rigorous scrutiny. They are not meant to be statements of fact but intended to give a laugh or at least bring a smile.

It is said that humour and good taste are mutually exclusive. That is probably particularly the case with rugby humour. This is not the book for those who love political correctness.

ONE

England’s Ruck and Rollers

Heaven sent

Will Carling faced God at the throne of Heaven with Gareth Edwards and Phil Bennett. God said to them, ‘Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask for your beliefs.’

Bennett stared God directly in the eye and said, ‘I believe rugby is the meaning of life. Nothing else has brought so much joy to so many. I have devoted my life to spreading the gospel of rugby.’

God was moved by his passion and eloquence and said, ‘You are a man of true faith. Sit by me at my right hand.’

He then turned to Wales’s most famous rugby son. ‘Now, my child, tell me what you believe in.’

Gareth answered, ‘I believe courage, bravery, loyalty, teamwork, dedication and commitment are the soul of life and I dedicated my career to living up to those ideals.’

Then he turned to Carling. ‘And you, Mr Carling, what is it that you believe?’

Carling gave him a withering look and replied, ‘I believe that you are sitting in my chair.’

The future king and I

In the mid-1990s, there was much media speculation about a doomed romance between Princess Diana and England’s rugby captain Will Carling. Carling strongly denied the rumours. After news of the alleged affair had been leaked to the press, Prince Charles had to present the International Championship trophy to Carling in a match in which the captain failed to get a try. The prince said, ‘I’m sorry you didn’t score.’

Probably the best

Carling has a more sociable side. On the Lions tour in 1993, Carling was rechristened ‘O’Carling’ when he started drinking Guinness.

After captaining Ireland to a defeat against England, Willie Anderson was talking to Will Carling at the dinner in the Hilton. There was a very serious atmosphere so he asked Carling to go downstairs with him for a ‘wee drink’. Willie asked him what he wanted and Carling said a gin and tonic so he ordered two. He nearly dropped dead when the barman charged him £10. When he asked him could he charge it to his room the barman said no. Then Willie pulled out two £5 notes from the Bank of Northern Ireland but the barman immediately said he couldn’t take these. Willie said to Carling he would have to pay for the drinks. When Carling pulled out his wallet, Anderson claims there was a combination to it; Carling was not renowned as a big spender. Although Ireland lost the match, at least Willie had the satisfaction of making the English captain buy him a drink, which was said to be a more difficult task than beating England!

It says in the papers

During his time as England captain Carling was constantly featured in the media. Some of the coverage was flattering, much of it not. As an illustration of the distortions in the print media, a rugby fan told the ‘parable’ of a man from Pakistan who fell under a Tube train in London and was killed. The Times reported it straight, The Sun that an asylum seeker had disrupted British Rail schedules, The Scotsman that a Scot had been killed at Heathrow, the Irish Press that British Rail had murdered an innocent Irishman, and the Daily Mail that Will Carling had his travel schedule disrupted because of a mishap on British Rail.

A misunderstood man

Carling was not universally loved by his teammates. On one occasion when his club side Harlequins played Wasps, it was a typically robust match. After a heated ruck, where boots were flying with more frequency than planes at an airport, everyone picked themselves off the muddy pitch to reveal the man at the bottom of the pile of bodies. It was Carling. He had a huge gash under his eye. The referee, slightly shocked that the English captain should be the victim of such thuggery, asked, ‘Right, own up, who did this?’

Immediately, Carling’s teammate, Richard Langhorn, piped up, ‘Take your pick, ref, it could have been any one of twenty-nine of us.’

In 1989, Carling was expected to lead England to the Grand Slam, but Wales tripped them up at the last hurdle. The English team were scheduled to meet England’s most famous royal at the time. The equerry of the Princess of Wales came into the English dressing-room and said to Carling, ‘She’ll ask you what your team have said about losing the game and the Grand Slam.’

Carling asked, ‘When I’m telling her, do I have to leave out all the cursing and swearing?’

Before Austin Healey, Carling was the England player with an exceptional capacity to rub people up the wrong way. Carling went up to Leicester to play for Harlequins in a league match, in a fixture that was being filmed by Rugby Special. After the match, Carling was set upon by a Leicester supporter who punched him on the chin. It was widely reported afterwards that it was the first time the fan had hit the sh*t.

Carling has written a number of books but is unlikely to be writing a book on how to win friends and influence people. Over the years, Carling was at the forefront of the debate over the vexed question of whether, and to what extent, rugby should turn professional, with all the ferocious protestations and the growing bitterness between administrators and players. This antagonism was graphically revealed in Carling’s description of the RFU Committee as ‘57 old farts’, which caused him to be stripped of the captaincy of the English team.

Men only

Cricket is often considered to be a bastion of male chauvinist pigs. Hence the notice displayed at many cricket clubs: ‘No Dogs or Women’. For over 200 years the MCC, Marylebone Cricket Club, adhered to a No Women policy. This meant no women members, no women in the pavilion on match days and no women guests allowed. In 1988, a poll was taken on the revolutionary suggestion of allowing women into the pavilion as guests. Not surprisingly, the motion was overwhelmingly defeated. Three years later, another motion was put to members. This time the question was: should women be allowed to join the 20-year waiting list? Again, this innovative proposal was roundly rejected. Many people might have misgivings about these chauvinistic tendencies. The MCC, though, rejoice in them. The move to give women a greater role in cricket came at the time when Will Carling had got into serious trouble for making the ‘57 old farts’ comment. Sir Oliver Popplewell, MCC president, responded immediately, ‘Well, you won’t find 57 old farts here. There are 18,000 of us.’

Dawson’s pique

Another English international who had problems with officialdom is Matt Dawson. After having a successful tour with the Lions in South Africa in 1997, Dawson went on the Lions tour to Australia in 2001 with high hopes. His great expectations were quickly shattered. His newspaper column spoke of his disenchantment with the team’s preparation and criticised the team management. It appeared on the morning of the First Test and initially it seemed he would be sent home. The threat of banishment hung in the air for a period. Things came to a climax when a crisis meeting was called between players and management. The Lions were captained by Martin Johnson, who lived by the creed: minimum words, maximum impact. His brief intervention at the meeting was the decisive one. He simply said that if Dawson was sent home, he would be on the next plane. Issue closed.

Ironically, Dawson got away scot-free from what in the era of Bill Beaumont would be considered a sacking offence for an England rugby international: he shaved his legs, donned a wig and dressed up as woman! What was worse, he even did it on national television. The reason for his brief flirtation with cross-dressing was not, as Dan Luger suggested, that he was an apprentice transvestite, but that he was appearing as a mystery guest on the popular BBC series A Question of Sport, where top sportspeople who are up for a laugh routinely embarrass themselves. After his appearance on the programme, his fellow internationals Paul Grayson, Mike Tindall and Ben Cohen claimed that Dawson was the ugliest woman ever to appear on television and threatened not to pay their TV licences in the future in protest.

Following England’s World Cup victory in 2003, Dawson was one of the English players to cash in by publishing his autobiography, Nine Lives. His teammate Mike Catt was reported to be furious because Dawson had ‘stolen’ the obvious title for his book!

Backhander

One of Dawson’s teammates who also got into hot water was Neil Back. ‘The hand of God and the hand of Diego’ is one of the most famous incidents of ethical dimensions in world sport. The explanation given by Diego Maradona of Argentina after he deflected the ball with his hand over the advancing England goalkeeper Peter Shilton in the 1986 World Cup was that the ball was helped into the net by ‘the hand of God’. His goal helped Argentina to victory and they went on to take the World Cup.

The most talked about ‘ethical incident’ in rugby occurred in the final moments of the Heineken Cup final in 2002. Munster were trailing Leicester and were driving hard for their opponents’ line when they were awarded a set scrum some five metres out from goal. It was crucial to win this ball and set up a final drive for possible victory. As the Munster scrum-half was about to put the ball into the scrum, Neil Back’s infamous ‘hand of God’ backhander knocked the ball from Peter Stringer’s grasp into the Leicester scrum and the ball was lost to Leicester. The referee had taken up a position opposite the incoming ball and did not see the incident. The controversy spawned a new joke:

Injury time

A chronic injury sustained with Leicester meant that Austin Healey was forced to miss the 2003 World Cup. One of his English teammates was not as sympathetic as might be expected and said, ‘Austin’s been injured so long we’ve changed his name to “I can’t believe he’s not better”.’

Healey is nothing if not original. In 1999, he was brought before a hearing for stamping on London Irish scrum-half Kevin Putt’s head. Healey’s defence was novel: ‘It was the only place I could put my foot.’

Woodward’s wonderful world

England’s focus and obsessive will to win the 2003 World Cup can be largely traced back to their then coach Clive Woodward. As a player, Woodward won 21 England caps, culminating in the 1980 Grand Slam. A stylish outside-centre, with wonderful hands, he also toured twice with the Lions. It was as a coach, though, that he really excelled.

One of Woodward’s favourite phrases is ‘massively full-on’. This phrase took on a new connotation during the World Cup tournament. Asked how he reacted to being kept awake by chants of ‘Boring! Boring!’ from Australian fans, he replied, ‘I was with my wife in bed at the time – fortunately, I realised what they were actually referring to.’

Woodward was magnanimous in victory after the World Cup final win. He did have some reservations about the South African referee Andre Watson’s performance in the final, which saw a number of contentious penalties going to Australia. Hence Nick Hancock’s comment, ‘The World Cup final produced Australia’s sports personality of the year – the referee!’

England’s victory in the competition came as no surprise in Uruguay. Before playing England in the World Cup, Uruguay’s coach Diego Ormaechea was asked to explain his side’s preparation for their clash with Woodward’s warriors. He replied, ‘We have an English trainer with us and we asked him what we should do to prepare and he said, “Just play golf.”’

Surprisingly, not everyone in England was eulogising Woodward’s team. A rugby league fan wrote to the Daily Telegraph and said, ‘If rugby union is the game they play in heaven, then, God, please send me to hell.’

After France’s impressive defeat of Ireland and England’s unimpressive performance against Wales in the quarter-finals, many pundits predicted that the French would sweep to victory over England in the semi-final. Not so Ireland’s leading rugby commentator, Michael Corcoran. He confidently predicted that ‘England will upset the apple tart’. Another of Michael’s gems came the day Ireland claimed the 2004 Triple Crown with a win over Scotland: ‘Ronan O’Gara has his boots on the right foot.’

Go, Jonny, go

In the run-up to the 2003 World Cup, the golden boys of English rugby and English football, Jonny Wilkinson MBE and David Beckham OBE, featured in a TV campaign for a sporting company that received a lot of airplay. Wilkinson was featured teaching Becks to strike a rugby ball. On the eve of England’s opening match in the Rugby World Cup, England faced Turkey to decide who would compete in the European football championships in 2004. England’s best chance in the second leg of the game came when they were awarded a penalty. Beckham stepped up to take it but blazed the ball high over the bar. Afterwards, Wilkinson joked, ‘David’s been spending too much time with me!’

Wilkinson’s last-gasp drop-goal against Australia in the World Cup final guaranteed him sporting immortality. Watching the score on a television replay one could not but be reminded of David Acfield’s immortal commentary: ‘Strangely, in slow-motion replay the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.’

After the win, Wilkinson’s popularity went through not just the roof but the stratosphere. This was most evident when he appeared as a guest on the popular Parkinson programme. When he walked on the set, he got a rapturous standing ovation, prompting Michael Parkinson to observe, ‘I’ve been doing this programme for 3,000 years and that’s the first time I’ve ever seen a standing ovation for a guest.’

Jonny has poked gentle fun at the Welsh tendency to recruit ‘nationals’ from down under to play for ‘their country’ under the grandparentage rule. He tells the following story for illustrative purposes.

Wales have a serious shortage of world-class defenders. Apparently, Graham Henry was so stuck for a quality back to play against England one day that he decided to play a goose. Happily, the goose had Welsh grandparents. To everyone’s surprise, the goose had a brilliant first half. One minute it was back in the defence making great tackles, the next it was up in the attack kicking points from every angle. At half-time, Henry was delighted, as Wales had a huge lead. As everyone ran back onto the pitch for the second half, the ref started chatting to the goose and said, ‘Great first half you played there, my friend, you must be really fit.’

‘Thanks,’ replied the goose, ‘I try to keep myself fit but it’s difficult finding the time, so I try to do an hour or two in the gym each morning before work.’

‘I’m a lawyer,’ replied the goose. Immediately, the ref brandished a red card and sent the goose off. The furious Welsh team gathered around the ref and started complaining. ‘I had no other option. It was as clear as day. Professional fowl.’ After his heroics in helping England to the World Cup, Wilkinson was given the freedom of Newcastle, and it was suggested that he should be employed to promote the city. The suggestion was that because of his apparently divine powers he should be filmed walking on the River Tyne.

Fowl language

Wilkinson has brought a whole new audience to rugby, including more women and gay men. Hence he was described during the World Cup as ‘the hottest thing down under since Shane Warne’s urine sample’. Among these new fans is one of Britain’s best-known television personalities, Graham Norton. Admittedly, he admires Jonny more for his bum than for his rugby genius. This became apparent when Wilkinson was involved in a car accident shortly after the English team’s triumphant celebration of the World Cup win. Details of the accident were shrouded in mystery. Norton, though, had no problems going public about it: ‘My theory is that he was rear-ended. It’s more of a recurring fantasy, really!’

Captain Fantastic?

Wilkinson kicked all of England’s 24 points in the 17-point defeat of France in the 2003 World Cup semi-final. In the match, England’s captain, the self-titled ‘Terminator in shorts’, Martin Johnson, had given away a few easy penalties which France had fortunately missed. A few days before the World Cup final against Australia, some of the key English players were at one of their final press conferences when Lawrence Dallaglio was asked: ‘What does Martin Johnson bring to the team?’

Displaying what Sir Clive Woodward calls ‘T-Cup’, i.e. ‘Thinking correctly under pressure’, quick as a flash Dallaglio replied, ‘Well, there’s the concession of a few needless penalties for a start!’

Mind you, the French fans were even more scathing about their team’s capitulation to England in the second half. The national daily sports paper L’Équipe responded to France’s rain-soaked exit from the tournament at the hands of the English by saying, ‘Les Bleus: Soluble in Water’.

After leading England to the World Cup, Johnson triumphantly led his team to Buckingham Palace, where the team had its picture taken with the Queen. Afterwards, Johnson said, ‘It will be a unique picture with that dog in it.’ A spokesman confirmed later that he was referring to a corgi that had run into shot and not Her Majesty.

England’s World Cup victory has brought them a whole new profile. This may be a good thing, considering what happened the last time they visited Canada. When they attended a reception, one of their hosts enquired, ‘It’s great to have you soccer-ball guys here. Which one of you is Beck-Ham?’

A prophet is not appreciated in his homeland. English winger Jason Robinson expected to make a glorious return from the World Cup. He was in for a let-down: ‘When I got back home, the heating was off, the house was freezing and there was mouldy food in the fridge. I’ll have to remind my wife about that.’

So long

At the end of the Six Nations Championship in 2004, another World Cup winner, Jason Leonard, announced his retirement from international rugby. Given his exalted status in world rugby he might have expected his international colleagues to be full of nostalgia. But Austin Healey’s reaction to the news was typically edgy: ‘I’m sure the lads will be glad to see him gone. There will be more food for everyone else now! He’s been their icon of rugby throughout the ages – the stone age, the ice age and the iron age!’

Sleeping beauty

Following a series of sterling performances on the English wing, John Bentley was chosen to tour with the Lions in 1997. One of the key players on that tour was the bald wonder Keith Wood. However, Woodie’s one blemish was also to emerge on the trip. Bentley had the misfortune to be rooming with him. As a result of his shoulder problems, Keith could only sleep in one position. He propped two pillows under both shoulders and as soon as he began to sleep he started snoring loudly. After seven sleepless nights, Bentley could take no more and sought medical advice. On the eighth night, as soon as Woodie started sleeping, Bentley kissed him on the cheek. For the next three nights Woodie lay awake in case Bentley made further advances on him.

Jonah doesn’t live in whale

In 1997, England played a 26–26 draw with the All Blacks at Twickenham. David Rees scored a try for England and gave a good performance on the wing – even though he faced the apparently impossible task of marking the mighty Jonah Lomu. Before the game, Rees had an unusual tactical talk with Clive Woodward. Woodward asked, ‘Right, Reesy, how are we going to deal with this guy Jonah Lomu?’

‘OK, Clive, I’m gonna angle my run so I push him towards the touchline and use it as an extra man, just forcing him out for a lineout.’

‘Well, I’ll angle it so that he’s running back towards our cover defence and Kyran Bracken will be there to help smother him and bring him down.’

‘OK, if he runs straight at me I’ll get some crap from the ground and throw it in his face, blinding him.’

The road not taken

Lawrence Dallaglio’s mother has strong Irish roots. Accordingly, Lawrence could have played for Ireland. In 1994, the combined talents of Dean Richards, Ben Clarke, Tim Rodber, Steve Ojomoh and Neil Back were keeping Dallaglio out of the senior team, although he had played for England at a number of levels. His ancestry became known to the Irish selectors and they made an approach. Typically, the advance was an unconventional one. Dallaglio was at home when he received a call. ‘Lawrence, Noel Murphy here. We heard you like a few pints of the black stuff and were wondering if you’d like to wear the green shirt of Ireland.’

Time to say goodbye?

A few years later, when Dallaglio was appointed captain of England for the first time, he met his predecessor, Phil de Glanville. Phil wished Lawrence the best of luck and ushered him aside, saying, ‘Just a little advice, as tradition goes, from one outgoing England captain to the next. Take these.’

‘If you fail to lead England to victory,’ he said, ‘open an envelope, and inside you will find some invaluable advice as to how to proceed.’

Immediately after Lawrence’s first match, a 15–15 draw against Australia at Twickenham, he remembered Phil’s envelopes and opened the first one. ‘Blame the referee,’ it said.

He walked confidently into the press conference and said, ‘Well, there wasn’t much between the teams, really. In a match like that, small mistakes can change the complexion of the game completely and in that respect I felt that the ref made some decisions that went against us, which had a big bearing on the final outcome.’

Another defeat against the All Blacks quickly followed. Bad news – Dallaglio would have to use the second of the three envelopes.

‘Blame the place-kicker,’ it said. Off the aspiring Captain Fantastic went to face the media.

‘Well, I thought it was nip and tuck, we had them under pressure, but unfortunately Mike Catt didn’t have the best of days with the old shooting boots and so the chances slipped away.’

Again the journalists seemed satisfied with his response. Thank God for these get-out-of-jail-free envelopes, Dallaglio reflected, though he had still failed to take England to victory and knew he was storing up trouble for himself.

His third game was against the All Blacks at Twickenham. Serious pressure. England began brightly and appeared to be in the ascendancy, but the All Blacks started to haul back. The match ended in a draw. Dallaglio was gutted not to have won. There was only one consolation: help was at hand. He walked into the dressing-room, looking forward to some first-class advice from the third and last white envelope. He rummaged in his bag, pulled it out and tore it open. The advice was simple: ‘Start writing out three new envelopes.’

Hookers and swingers

Phil de Glanville was playing golf one day when he walked past his teammate Nigel Redman desperately trying to hack a ball out of the bunker. He stopped and asked, ‘Nigel, why are you trying to use a four iron to hit the ball out of the bunker?’

Phil tried to console him: ‘That’s maybe why it is said that golf and masturbation have at least one thing in common. Both are a lot more satisfying to do than they are to watch.’

Looking after number one

In the heady days of amateurism, a coach was a four-wheeled vehicle to get you to the stadium. In the Clive Woodward era, the coach is cast in a different mould. Woodward is a big admirer of the Royal Marines and the England team have often found themselves down at Lympstone in South Devon to be bonded into a unit as tight and fearsome as the Marines themselves.

On one such expedition, the squad went orienteering on Bodmin Moor. The England players were fully briefed by their Marine instructors before being dispatched in pairs, with instructions on where to camp overnight and where to report the following morning. Jason Leonard was paired with Jeremy Guscott. With great difficulty, the pair had reached the first few checkpoints and the spot where they were due to spend the night. After sharing out the hardtack, they settled into their tent, only to be disturbed by a low growling noise coming from somewhere nearby. Guscott blurted out, ‘What’s going on?’

The deadly duo could soon make out a massive four-legged shape just outside the tent. Leonard said, ‘Oh hell! I think it’s what the Marines warned us about – it’s the Beast of Bodmin.’

Guscott started to struggle into his clothes, much to Leonard’s annoyance. ‘Keep quiet. Remember, the Marines said our only chance was to keep absolutely quiet, and hope he goes away!’ Guscott paid no attention, continued dressing and lifted up the back flap of the tent.

‘What on earth are you doing?’ whispered Leonard. ‘You know what the Marines said.’

‘Are you mad? Don’t you remember what they said . . . no one can outrun the beast of Bodmin.’

Stan the man

During the 1991 World Cup campaign, Clive Woodward was recruited by ITV to give expert comment. The most memorable moment of his commentary came in the Australia–Western Samoa game. When the camera homed in on the Samoan hooker, Woodward remarked in a very earnest fashion, ‘That’s the hooker. They call him Stan . . . that’s his name.’

An analyst’s job is to mix insight with comedy. Much of the time, though, the comedy is unintentional, as when Sky pundit Andy Gray remarked, ‘Any footballer who takes drugs should be hammered.’ Asked to predict the eventual winners, Woodward said: ‘The Aussies don’t look in the same league as the All Blacks. They were busy without doing anything. A bit like election agents.’

As a filler before a Japan match, ITV did a short interview with Woodward’s former Lions teammate Tony Ward about Ireland’s progress in the tournament. Ward is not on the big side, so when Woodward was asked for his take on things he joked, ‘Ah, Wardie, there is a rumour going around that you’ll be lining out for the Japanese today. You’re the right height, apparently.’

Clive Woodward has never lacked confidence. Kevin Keegan famously said, ‘Argentina are the second-best side in the world – and there’s no higher praise than that.’ Woodward thought otherwise and was rewarded when he led England to the World Cup.

After he became English coach, he was asked how he would cope with disagreements with senior players. It is joked that Woodward replied, ‘I will handle things the Brian Clough way. Whenever a player has a problem we will talk about it for 20 minutes and I will listen carefully to what he has to say. Then we’ll agree that I was right.’

Woodward is no fan of David Campese and was not amused when the BBC decided to get Campo to present the English rugby team with their award for Team of the Year on their Sports Personality of the Year awards show in 2003, after Campo’s withering comments about the English team before the World Cup. In the wake of England’s victory in the tournament, Campo famously walked down London’s Oxford Street wearing a St George’s Cross sandwich board that read: ‘I Admit the Best Team Won’. Campo does not share Hugh Grant’s opinion of Britain in the smash-hit film Love Actually as ‘a small but proud nation of Shakespeare, the Beatles, David Beckham’s right foot – and indeed of David Beckham’s left foot’. His animosity to England was evident before Australia played ‘the Poms’ in the 1991 World Cup final, when Campese was asked whether he would play for England. Campo replied, ‘I wouldn’t play for England if you paid me.’

It cannot be confirmed that Woodward objected to Campo being described as ‘the great Australian winger’ and referred to him instead as a ‘great whinger’. Neither has it been proven that Sir Clive is the source of one the more recent riddles about Campo.

A: Because he refuses to have anything in his house that is brighter than he is.

Sir Clive was very gracious, though, when England ended its long unbeaten home run against Ireland in 2004. The defeat immediately spawned a rash of jokes. One notice appeared:

For Sale: one chariot (low-swinging, sweet type), in urgent need of repair (wheels have come off again). One careless owner, details from Clive. Tel: Twickenham 19–13.

In Memoriam Slam, G: passed away 6 March 2004, sorely missed by Clive and the boys.

All or nothing

With 71 caps and 396 points for England, Rob Andrew had a glittering career. He missed out, though, on a career as a philosopher. He once said, ‘There is no such thing as “a lack of confidence”. You either have it or you don’t.’

French lessons

British and Irish teams sometimes have linguistic problems when they travel to France. The former Irish manager Pat Whelan had great problems when Ireland played France with his pronunciation of Émile Ntamack. His description was ‘those guys have a guy called Nattermack’.

In 1994, Dewi Morris was recalled to the English team for the French match in Parc des Princes. Dewi had been involved in a huge selection battle between him and Kyran Bracken. After Ireland had beaten England at Twickenham two weeks previously, Bracken’s was one of the heads to roll. Dewi was determined to make his mark and make the scrum-half position his own. He was completely psyched up. France, though, had lost their six previous encounters with England and were out for revenge. It was a ferociously physical contest. The French were repeatedly robbing the English of try-scoring opportunities by killing the ball. Eventually, Dewi snapped and raced up to the referee, screaming in his less than perfect French: ‘Monsieur, monsieur, le ballon, le ballon, le Français non releasee, s’il vous plaît, Monsieur?’

‘That’s OK, Dewi. By the way, this might surprise you but I can actually understand English.’

Yes, Prime Minister

After England’s Grand Slam victory against France at Twickenham in 1991, amid the post-match changing-room disarray and celebrations, Mick ‘the Munch’ Skinner decided to take an early bath so that he could get on the beer undisturbed. The then Prime Minister John Major, an enthusiastic rugby fan, was escorted into the dressing-room by the president of the RFU to congratulate the winning team. The first person they met was a naked Mick Skinner with a towel in his left hand and his privates in his right hand. The Munch held out his right hand and, in his best Geordie accent and his typical vernacular, said, ‘Yo, John. Top man, large, bosh, put it there, how’s it hanging?’

Despite knowing where Skinner’s right hand had just been, the PM shook it without any apparent qualms and retorted, ‘Obviously not as well as you, Mr Skinner.’

A variation of the story has Skinner greeting HRH Prince William in the home dressing-room before an England international at Twickenham. Prince William offered his hand for a handshake and Skinner shook it and said, ‘Afternoon, sir. How’s it hanging?’

After the next home match, Prince William was again brought into the England dressing-room to congratulate the victorious team. When he was reintroduced to Skinner, he said: ‘Well done, Mr Skinner. And before you ask, may I inform you it’s hanging very well.’

In the Bath

In the early 1990s, the spa town of Bath was home to the kings of rugby, largely because of Jack Rowell, who transformed them from a team of virtual no-hopers into the cream of the crop. The area around Gloucester, Bath and Bristol is the hub of a hotbed of English rugby. Bath’s status in English rugby during the 1990s is comparable to that of the Liverpool FC team of the ’70s and ’80s or Manchester United in the ’90s.

Rowell’s Bath was not a club for the hypersensitive. Jon Callard was nicknamed ‘Zanussi’ because, his colleagues claimed, his head was the shape of a microwave.

Rowell is a great believer in the power of positive thinking. He famously said, ‘There’s only one man allowed to say “there’s nothing wrong with defeat” and that’s Nelson Mandela’s chiropodist.’

The Bath players took that message to heart. Hence former England international Ben Clarke’s comment, ‘At Bath, we won many a game in the last minute. We had so many great escapes, I half-expected to look across to the replacement bench and see Steve McQueen.’

Jack Rowell was once asked what it was like to be a top rugby coach. He replied, ‘You have fifteen players in a team. Seven hate your guts and the other eight are making up their minds.’

The Old Vic

However, Rowell was ahead of his time in the old days of amateurism and created a very commercially advanced environment. One incident illustrates this and provides an interesting metaphor for the changing face of rugby. Steve Ojomoh picked up a nasty injury in training. Bath’s team secretary informed his teammates that Ojomoh had received a detached retina. This prompted his international colleague Victor Ubogu to say, ‘I’m not happy about that. I’ve been here much longer than him and I’m still living in a club flat.’

ODD-SHAPED BALLS

Mischief-makers, Miscreants and Mad-hatters of Rugby

John Scally