cover

Contents

Title Page

Copyright © 2012 Allison Graham

All rights reserved. No part of this work covered by the copyright herein may be reproduced or used in any form or by any means,—graphic, electronic or mechanical—without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any request for photocopying, recording, taping or information storage and retrieval systems of any part of this book shall be directed in writing to The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). For an Access Copyright license, visit or call toll free 1-800-893-5777.

Care has been taken to trace ownership of copyright material contained in this book. The publisher will gladly receive any information that will enable them to rectify any reference or credit line in subsequent editions.

This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author(s) and is designed to provide useful advice in regard to the subject matter covered. The author(s) and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, therapeutic, or other services in this publication. This publication is not intended to provide a basis for action in particular circumstances without consideration by a competent professional. The author(s) and publisher expressly disclaim any responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Graham, Allison Dawn, 1975–

From business cards to business relationships : personal

branding and profitable networking made easy / Allison Graham. — 2nd ed.

Previously published as: Business cards to business

relationships. London, Ont. : Elevate Press, 2008.

Issued also in electronic formats.

ISBN 978-1-11-836418-5

1. Business networks. 2. Strategic alliances (Business).

3. Partnership. I. Title. II. Title: Personal branding and profitable networking made easy.

HD69.S8G72 2012       650.1′3       C2012-901479-6

Production Credits

Managing Editor: Alison Maclean

Executive Editor: Karen Milner

Editorial Assistant: Brian Will

Production Editor: Pauline Ricablanca

Cover Design: Adrian So

Composition: Thomson Digital

John Wiley & Sons Canada, Ltd.

6045 Freemont Blvd.

Mississauga, Ontario

L5R 4J3

To my brother Tim, who taught me to dream big, persevere, and bring
the impossible to fruition.

To my mom, Barbara Ann, whose unending kindness and generosity
of spirit influence me positively every day. This book would not have
been possible without her help and encouragement. For as many late
nights as I've spent mulling over the words in the pages that follow,
my mom has spent the same.

And to my dad, Robert James Graham (1944–2005), my best friend
and sounding board for the first 30 years of my life. His wisdom continues
to guide me. I wish he were here to share the journey.

Preface

Before I learned how to network effectively, my life was dramatically different.

Working as a receptionist by day and a bartender by night, the idea of achieving meaningful success in the professional realm seemed like a pipe dream. However, that dream was turned into a reality thanks to the people who became part of my network.

At the time, I had no idea how powerful networking could be, but now I realize how incredible it is that each of us is just one contact away from having our entire life change direction.

In a very short time I went from being “unconnected” to meeting thousands of people. Thanks to those connections and my hard work, I was able to create a successful and varied career as a newspaper columnist, frequent radio guest, local television reporter, and fundraiser raising hundreds of thousands of dollars for charities. I became an active volunteer in the community and eventually won a political nomination to run for public office. Best of all, I was able to create a successful business, Elevate Seminars + Strategic Development Inc. (), teaching other professionals through conference speeches and corporate training how to change their lives and create success by getting connected.

None of this would have been possible without the incredible people who influenced my life both professionally and personally.

After leaving university I held a variety of jobs. I sold cars and makeup and even had an unsuccessful stint at selling knives. At one point I worked in a car-rental shop and then was a receptionist in a laser eye surgery clinic. Through it all I supplemented my income as a waitress and bartender.

By the time I was 25 I was in a rut and disappointed. While some would say my life was “fine,” I was a long way from achieving the life I envisioned. Looking back, perhaps I was too young to be worried about making an impact in the world, but I knew deep down I was unhappy. My life lacked purpose and direction and I wanted more. Changes needed to be made.

Raising me in a small community, my parents set an example of how to live a rewarding, community-minded life. My father owned a food service business, excelled as an executive director for a provincial association, held leadership roles in various local community organizations, and was a municipal politician for many terms. My mother, a teacher, was involved in church and charitable activities. I fully intended to achieve similar success and felt I had the ability to do so, but I had no idea where to start.

One day I took a leap of faith and applied for a job as the executive assistant to the vice-president of a building-supply company. Not exactly an obvious place to find fulfillment, but my potential new boss was philanthropically inclined and happened to be the incoming president of the local Chamber of Commerce. I scheduled the afternoon off work at the eye clinic, put on my best (well, okay, my only) navy suit, and went to the interview. An hour later I was offered the job.

In the ensuing months, my life shifted. I watched my boss give back to the community, take many phone calls, go to umpteen events, and reap the rewards of his strong network. I quickly realized that I wanted to be the one with the network doing great work in the community—not just an assistant. Then, with another leap of faith, I left the company to find my own way.

So there I was, filled with big aspirations for a purposeful life, but unemployed—and unconnected. On my father's advice, I hesitantly called his lawyer's wife, Erin, who lived in my city. Dad was no stranger to networking and knew that one solid connection could lead to a new job. Erin and I knew each other from my childhood, but that didn't make the call any easier. I was intimidated because she was well known in influential circles, I was nervous because I hadn't networked for my own personal gain before, and I was shy because I lacked confidence and thus questioned why Erin would bother to take my call. These didn't add up to a great combination for someone who was unemployed. Eventually I mustered up the courage to make the call and I'm thankful I did.

Erin graciously invited me to a political “meet and greet” that she and her husband were hosting at his law firm that weekend. I didn't know what to expect so my parents, who were also invited, agreed to come to the event to give me moral support. I'll never forget that reception.

I collected several business cards and promised to connect with each contact the following week. While I was busy hunting for employment opportunities, my parents were volunteering me for various projects. By the end of that reception, “I” had agreed to get involved in a political campaign and join some mysterious charity gala committee. To start my gala work, I had to return to the law office the next Tuesday to meet the senior law partner so we could drive to the meeting together. Talk about venturing into unknown territory. I spent the whole morning getting ready—ultimately choosing to wear the same navy suit I had worn less than a year earlier for my interview.

On the ride to the meeting, I was so nervous that it was all I could do to keep from sweating through my suit while remembering to breathe as I listened to the classical music on his car radio. The whole time I questioned in my mind why this accomplished lawyer would invite me to work on this committee. I assumed he was thinking the same thing as I, the apparent mute, rode beside him. I felt completely out of my comfort zone. When we arrived, the committee members were incredibly friendly and welcoming. As we started to discuss the fundraiser, I found myself saying, “Oh, I know him; I'd be happy to make that call.”

That's when I realized I had already started to build my network at my previous job. Since I'd left on good terms and had projected a professional image as an assistant, when I did call, the contacts were more than happy to help me collect auction items for the charity gala.

The contacts I met that day and at the political reception are still some of my best friends, business associates, and political supporters. Those few hours changed my life's path and led me to where I am today.

It didn't take long for the power of networking to become crystal clear to me. I was experiencing how one person could lead to another person who leads to the next person who positively influences your life. Soon, thanks to my new connections, I landed a job in the not-for-profit sector, became involved with several organizations, and earned a spot on a political party's provincial executive. Within 18 months my Rolodex went from having a few cards to being overloaded with hundreds of new contacts. A few years later that number grew to several thousand contacts.

During a phone call to someone in my newly established network, I learned that the London Free Press was looking for a columnist. Within a few months the paper published my first column. Four years later, I succumbed to my passion for politics and resigned from the newspaper to run in the 2007 Ontario provincial election. My party didn't win, but my involvement in the process was an incredible experience.

Building a network with thousands of quality contacts in such a short time wasn't an easy task. I remember one year that was especially hectic. In addition to running a company, writing my four weekly columns, working in radio and television, and volunteering for several organizations, I attended nearly 250 events. Add the effort needed to manage the network of contacts while finding time for a personal life, and you can imagine that my schedule was fairly intense. Working at that intensity level is not required to build your own ultimate network. In fact, I don't recommend that pace for anyone (myself included). But those interactions, combined with my varied professional and personal experiences, have given me the foundation for my consulting business, speaking engagements, current business column, and this book.

Introduction

As a professional you likely attend, or plan to attend, business functions in an effort to expand your network. Why? Are you truly connecting with people or are you just putting in time? We spend our adult lives interacting with people to earn our living, but shockingly, throughout years of schooling there is no course dedicated to teaching us the specific skills needed to help us connect with others and build our networks.

Humans naturally engage in networking on some level, but when the word is formalized as a business activity, for some, it conjures a vision of calculation and manipulation. Proper networking elicits the exact opposite response. It's not a cheesy sales technique, but a genuine attempt to connect with others and to let others connect with you.

Sales trainers tell you to build your network to generate business leads. Job-hunting manuals advise you to tap into your network to get your résumé to the top of the pile. Company leaders push their junior associates to get “out there” and build their networks.

It all sounds great in theory, but how do you do this? Where do you go to build your network and once you're there, what do you do so that you're not just collecting business cards? What is the secret to turning those casual business-card contacts into long-term, mutually beneficial relationships?

Before I launched my training-and-consulting company, people would ask me for advice on how to get connected and I was happy to oblige. For some, a little advice was all the help they needed and they were off to build their network and achieve success. Others weren't so agreeable—or successful. After showing up once or twice at events, they'd tell me networking doesn't work. They would lose sight of their reasons for wanting a strong network and quit. This result puzzled me. Of course networking works—I was living proof. I knew that networking, when done properly and professionally, is an amazingly powerful tool that will enable a person to achieve whatever can be imagined.

So why do so many professionals struggle to make networking work for them, while others find success with it? It became my professional mission to find tangible answers and help those struggling to fast-track their success by learning how to connect with the world's greatest resource—people.

As I studied people whom I perceived to be master networkers, it was clear most of them didn't consciously realize what they did to network so well. They found success by trial and error and by mirroring the behavior of their mentors. For them, networking just came naturally. Similarly, those who struggle with networking seem completely unaware of what they do to shoot themselves in the foot. Fortunately, some self-awareness and technique-tweaking are all it takes to get results that are better in line with your goals.

The information in this book will help you build your profitable and fulfilling network. The ideas presented are a culmination of extensive research into the best practices for networking and, most importantly, they are lessons learned from my personal experience interacting and connecting with thousands of people over the last several years.

If you are new to networking, you may find the information overwhelming, so read the book, do the exercises, and then revisit the concepts as you grow your network. Over time these strategies will make more sense.

If you have substantial networking experience, read the book with an open mind. Consider your own personal journey and how these concepts apply to you. Stick with what's working and fine-tune areas that need improvement to maximize your efforts.

As you read this book, you'll realize I am far from perfect. There are days when my foot finds a comfortable resting place in my mouth and I add another experience to my tally of embarrassing moments—some of which I share. Being prepared for the unexpected, accepting yourself for who you are at each moment, having a keen sense of humor, and forgiving yourself and others can go a long way toward helping you enjoy the process of building your professional network.

I wish you all the best as you work to create a profitable network. It will take time and effort, but it will be well worth the investment. I love to hear stories so please visit my website, , to share your tales of success—and your blunders too. Also, you can visit the website dedicated to this book by scanning the QR code at the end of the book for worksheets and additional content.

The First Pillar of Profitable Networking: Perspective

Chapter 1

The Power of Building a Profitable Network

How would your life be different if you were more connected? What would change? Would you make partner? Have more customers? Secure venture funding? Get a better job? If you're reading this book, there must be something that you're looking for over and above what you have today.

When I started my networking journey, I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. I just knew I wanted a better life. I longed for purpose and was tired of barely making ends meet while living in the perpetual home-to-work rut. Instinctively I knew that if I wanted more, I had to get connected. At the time I didn't know what that required, but I was determined to learn the ropes. Really, I asked myself, how hard could it be to get connected? Apparently quite difficult if you don't know what you're doing.

Thankfully perseverance, hard work, and guidance from the right mentors meant I was able to go from basically unconnected to connected in a short time, creating a successful career in media, politics, business, and the charitable sector. None of it would have been possible without the influence of my newly formed network. There's no doubt that I had some talent and ability that helped me at each step in my career—just as I assume you do too. But having talent and ability doesn't matter if the right people don't know about them.

In order for people to choose you over your competition, you need to be on their radar. That's why networking is so powerful. When done correctly, it gets you on the radar of the right people. I'm living proof that anything you want to accomplish can be done by surrounding yourself with the right people and creating genuine connections with them.

While it won't happen overnight, with consistent and persistent effort it will happen. It's impossible to be a truly talented networker and be unsuccessful. At least, after interacting and connecting with thousands of people, I haven't seen that combination yet. Think about it: nothing happens without people making it happen. The more people a person is positively connected to, the more opportunities he or she will have. The law of averages means that getting connected will put you in an advantageous position both personally and professionally. Looking back, every exciting and challenging twist in my career was instigated by a connection with another professional. Most likely, when you look back on your life you will find the same to be true.

In their book The Middle-Class Millionaire, authors Russ Alan Prince and Lewis Schiff studied the behaviors and characteristics that separate the regular middle class from those who elevated themselves to achieve millionaire status. Their research identified four key elements that define the middle-class millionaire: hard work, financial savvy, persistence, and networking.

In addition to being a fascinating read, this book underscored for me the importance of networking and its impact on the average person's ability to achieve optimal success. If your goal is to become a millionaire, then according to their in-depth research, mastering the art of networking is one of four proficiencies that can make that dream a reality.

Here's the catch: there are several different ways to network and some are more effective than others. The approach you choose has to match your personality, your circumstances, and your desired outcomes. Cookie-cutter attempts at networking can leave you frustrated. For example, a business networking group can be the source of endless referrals for one member and yet be an energy sucker for another. In the same way, a conversation starter can work for one person but bomb for another. These nuances must be recognized and embraced to create an optimal network.

The most powerful—and ultimately the most profitable—network is one that is genuinely aligned with your personality and is sustainable over the long term.

Another catch is that there are several different ways to define a network. This book is not about collecting business cards and simply adding names to your database. You could have 10,000 names in your address book, but if you're not genuinely connected with those people and they don't know who you are, and vice versa, what's the point? There is a time and a place to have a massive list of names so you can send one-way communication from you or your company. That list shouldn't be confused with your active network that consists of mutually beneficial business relationships.

Online networking can also confuse the issue. It is an extremely important element of networking. Without a comprehensive online strategy, you are very likely missing networking opportunities. However, just as networking is one element of your overall business development strategy, online networking is only one element of your overall profitable networking strategy.

Regardless of your personality, your desired outcomes, or your current circumstances, profitable networking requires consideration in four different areas: Perspective, Personal Brand, Procedures, and Strategic Plan. As such, this book is divided into the Four Pillars of Profitable Networking. Each section builds on the previous one, so by the end of the book you will have all the tools necessary to develop your ultimate network. Just keep repeating the process and doing more of the right activities until you start reaping the rewards.

First Pillar: Perspective

In this section, you will learn how to shape your perspective on business networking by defining what it is and what it is not. It will help you solidify your overall goals and objectives, outline realistic expectations, and identify common mistakes that can keep you from truly connecting with others and getting results.

Second Pillar: Personal Brand

This is where we'll address and develop the Business of YOU to ensure you are attracting new business relationships by conveying the genuine, welcoming, professional image that is essential to your success.

Third Pillar: Procedures

Procedures are the everyday networking elements that we're just expected to know, but are rarely taught. Mastering the fundamentals will give you confidence and add an extra notch of professionalism to your image. When used correctly and effectively, these basics can be your most valuable assets as you build your profitable network.

Fourth Pillar: Strategic Plan

Once you're clear on your desired outcomes and have a solid perspective, are ready to share the Business of YOU, and have mastered the procedures, a strategic plan will help you decide the best places to go and how to create systems to turn your casual contacts into long-term, mutually beneficial business relationships. We'll also determine how online networking fits. Your strategic considerations are what will make your profitable network a reality!

Networking is the foundation for your success. Alone, it won't be enough to get you the results you want in business or for your career, but networking makes success easier and more probable.

You'll still need to make sales calls, but networking keeps you from making cold calls. You'll still need to run a solid marketing campaign, but networking makes it easier to get noticed. You'll still have challenges, but networking makes it easier to find solutions. You'll still have to submit your résumé, but networking gets yours to the top of the pile. You'll still have to deliver top-notch work, but networking gets more people to take notice.

Building a strong network is not rocket science. It's simply connecting with the right people and letting people connect with you. Once you've figured out how to connect with the world's greatest resource—people—you'll start to see the world's population as one big exercise of connect the dots. The possibilities for your future are infinite!

Note

Russ Alan Prince and Lewis Schiff, Middle-Class Millionaire: The Rise of the New Rich and How They Are Changing America (New York: Doubleday, 2008).

Chapter 2

What Does Having a Strong Network Mean to You?

Imagine the possibilities if you were to add hundreds of quality contacts to your personal network. Would achieving success be easier and faster? Yes, of course it would.

Networking is the foundation for whatever you want to achieve. It would be impossible for me to guess your specific motivation, but I suspect it falls into one of three categories: enhancing your professional results, improving your quality of life, or both.

The Fourth Pillar explores the importance of honing in on a few priority outcomes so you can strategically determine what activities fit best and will get you the best result. The good news is that although you may have a specific goal in mind, the benefits of networking have a domino effect. You can't experience one advantage without experiencing the others.

Here are just some tangible and intangible benefits you can look forward to when you expand your network:

While throughout this book we're focused on building a profitable network, as you can see from the list of possible outcomes, the benefits of networking go well beyond pure profit. Depending on your circumstances, you may want to interchange “profitable” network with “strong” network. Either way, it means different things to different people. The most important question is this: What does a strong network mean to you?

Exercise: Close your eyes and imagine your life once you've built an exceptionally strong network. What are you hoping to achieve? Who do you want to know? What do you wish to accomplish that you can't without this strong network? Take a mental snapshot of your life with an amazing network. Write down your vision and keep your answer front and center in your life. Tape your answer to your bathroom mirror or beside your computer screen.

Identifying your vision and what you ultimately want to achieve will give you a point of reference that will motivate you as you build your network.

Years ago a friend said to me, “When my head hits the pillow at night, I want to be sure it deserves the rest.” I thought this line captured the meaning of a purposeful life, so when I decided to take my life in a more fulfilling direction I wrote, “Deserve to hit the pillow” on a sticky note. Now I have a sticky note in my office that reads, “Make your mark,” because it sums up what I want to do—make my mark on the world and help others do the same.

Your vision statement doesn't have to be profound—just something that reminds you of your long-term purpose. It should give you an extra boost of energy when you're frustrated going to yet another networking event.

This statement may change as you grow in your career and your priorities and perspective shift. Changing focus from the micro or day-to-day (“Deserve to hit the pillow”) perspective to the macro (“Make your mark”) perspective gave me the flexibility to move my life forward. Looking back, I wouldn't change either vision statement at those stages in my career, as they were necessary at the time.

The effort and focus required to create a solid network is different from what is needed to nurture a network after it's been built.

Chapter 3

Expectations

My consulting clients come to me because they have struggled, often for years, to create a solid network that leads to personal and professional fulfillment. They are fully aware they need to network and know it works for others, but haven't made it work for themselves—yet.

My job is to help them find the reason they're missing the mark and help them tweak their behaviors accordingly. Behaviors that hinder networking success are fairly universal and are usually one or a few of the following culprits. Each one aligns with one of the Four Pillars of Profitable Networking:

To change results, we must first adjust our expectations. People who show up once or twice at networking events and get frustrated because they haven't seen tangible results from their networking efforts are setting themselves up for failure. Networking is not a quick fix. Getting to know people and letting them get to know you requires time. That's not to say that amazing things can't happen very quickly once you begin to interact with new contacts. They absolutely can. You never know whom you may meet and how your interactions with those people may change your life. However, it's best to have realistic expectations and practice patience as you build your profitable network and expand your circle of influence. In time, you will achieve your vision.

Accept that you won't know everyone in a room the first time you walk into a function. Rest assured, however, that over time, with consistent and persistent effort, you will get to know more and more people and eventually feel like you belong. Expect that a room full of strangers will remain a room full of strangers until you meet and connect with them.

With networking, it is wise to adopt a slow and steady pace that will earn you a positive reputation and allow the natural development of solid relationships. After six months of business networking done properly and professionally, you'll create some momentum, make some initial contacts, and develop a sense of comfort and belonging.

After 12 to 18 months of consistent and persistent effort, you will notice a significant difference in your professional network. That's when the magic really starts to happen. Within five years you'll notice your life has taken an entire shift for the better and you should be well on your way to embracing a profitable network, leaving your unconnected life behind.

About a year and a half ago I met with a contact for coffee. He was the sole advisor for a finance company's satellite office. He was quite frustrated with his slow start, so we discussed the importance of patience and revisited his vision for the long haul. He reluctantly accepted the reality that building his business network would take longer than he wanted.

Approximately six months ago I saw him at an event and he pulled me aside to tell me that after a year of consistent and persistent effort, business was falling into place. Just recently I saw him again and he said his business was booming. Finally, he felt his efforts were rewarded. Had he given up when he first had doubts, he wouldn't be reaping the benefits now.

A year or two may seem like a long time to wait, but do you plan to still be in business in 12 to 18 months? Your current investment will lay the foundation for future business relationships. The work required to build a sustainable network is nothing compared to struggling through your professional life “unconnected.”

It takes six to eight casual encounters with someone before you hit his or her radar screen and he or she starts to “get” who you are. It takes even longer for you to generate a sense of trust and competency that will lead to significant relationships. Connecting on a deeper level than just saying “Hi” at a business reception can reduce this number, but even then it still takes multiple interactions with a new contact before you can expect to truly connect.

Think about how many people you've met, had lunch with, or even sat next to in a boardroom and yet have forgotten. Yes, this is a trick question because I'm asking you to remember people you've forgotten, but it makes the point.

Not everyone we meet in passing makes a lasting impression on us and vice versa. Expecting contacts to remember you after one or two introductions can be frustrating and can chip away at your self-confidence. It's not necessarily a reflection of how memorable you are, but rather the reality of society's hectic pace.

You may find that it takes longer to develop relationships with more-established leaders and accomplished networkers. They tend to have a healthy level of skepticism about newbie-networkers who flash onto the scene in a “here today, gone tomorrow” fashion. Over the years we've seen many who, after a whirlwind presence, drop off the face of the earth until they randomly resurface a year or two later. This kind of inconsistency detracts from a person's trust factor and diminishes his or her ability to connect with those who have a more consistent track record.

For better or worse, a person's true colors start to show after five or six months, so instinctively people tend to be guarded. It's easy for someone to put on an act for six months, which is why the six-month mark in any relationship is so critical. After that time, familiarity sets in, barriers break down, and true personalities start to show.

If you're like I am, and patience is not your greatest virtue, you'll be pleased to know there is a way to speed up the networking process. Do more of it! You can't force the natural pace of any one relationship, so to build your network faster you will have to increase the number of people with whom you connect. Some relationships will grow faster than others. I reaped the benefits of networking in an exceptionally short time because I jumped in with both feet, met a ridiculous number of people, and worked intensely to make it happen. As you read, you will get the tools to do the same, but remember that to gain credibility you need to be in this for the long haul.

Achieving your ultimate network could take years. How long depends on what you're willing to do to achieve it. Your ability to master all four pillars of profitable networking and put consistent and persistent effort behind your actions will make it happen faster. No matter how long it requires, take it from someone who has benefited extensively from the power of networking: it will be well worth your investment of time, energy, and money. Stick with it. Your efforts now will pay dividends in the future.

Chapter 4

What Networking Is Not

The best way to truly understand business networking is to first understand what it is not. While networking has caused people to waste excessive amounts of time and money, profitable networking, the kind taught in this book, will give you a significant return on investment. Networking is not just about showing up at events and schmoozing.

Unprofessional networkers who confuse “networking” with “selling” create many of the misconceptions and negative connotations associated with networking. Far too often over-eager professionals blur the line between building relationships and entering the sales process without the right prequalifications. This provides an uncomfortable and frustrating experience for the person on the receiving end. When done properly and professionally, networking will open the door to new sales and referrals, but not if you force those desired outcomes on people you just met. Jumping the gun too quickly will raise the red warning flags for them; something just won't feel right and they'll be standoffish rather than open to developing a connection.

Going to networking events expecting to land new clients or sell your product sets you up for failure and frustration. This misguided philosophy permeates networking events. If, shortly after an introduction, a person rushes into a sales pitch without qualification of interest, need, or fit for the product or service being sold, then the opportunity to build a relationship is missed, because no one likes to be “sold” or feel “cornered.”

Understanding that appropriate networking was different from jumping into the sales cycle was the turning point for a client who is the vice-president of an investment firm. Before we talked through his hesitations and he came to this realization, it was like pulling teeth to get him to engage in networking, even though his role required his presence in the community.

He was under the impression that each time he went out to an event, he had to catch a new client hook, line, and sinker. No wonder he wasn't comfortable with networking—that's a lot of pressure. Changing his perspective allowed him to genuinely enjoy the process of connecting with others.

This doesn't mean you should never enter the sales process after meeting a new contact. If a person expresses interest in your product or there is an obvious fit to collaborate on a venture, then yes, the sales process or an appropriate course of action should begin. (See Chapter 54: Categorizing Contacts.)

When this clear link does not exist, focus on taking the next step toward a long-term relationship rather than making the sale. Over time, as you learn more about each other and establish a deeper bond, opportunities to work together will likely present themselves naturally. In the Fourth Pillar we'll talk about where to go to be in target market–rich environments so when you do meet and connect with someone, there is a higher probability that he or she can become your client.

An associate dropped out of the “mainstream circuit” for a couple of years while he changed jobs and solidified his path. We ran into each other at a reception and I was sincerely pleased to hear he'd found passion and purpose through his new venture. He asked me to go for a coffee so we could reconnect.

The visit started off well. Then, the tone changed. I quickly understood our chat over coffee was actually a “sales” meeting—two totally different things. For 45 minutes he went into an elaborate sales pitch. He not only wanted me to become his client; he also wanted me to refer him to others.

Finally, when he came up for air, I explained that I wasn't a qualified prospect. This was crucial information he would have known had he spent time asking me questions, listening to my answers, or been up front about his true intentions when we booked the get-together. Worst of all, since my red warning flags were raised because I felt like I was being cornered and used, he missed the opportunity to have me as an ally in his new venture. By jumping to “forceful selling” rather than figuring out if I was a qualified prospect, he lost the long-term potential.

What is the likelihood that I'd go out for coffee again with him, let alone refer him to someone else? Zero.

Time is valuable, so to spend time listening to a pitch that had no relevance to me was simply annoying. I felt duped. If this had been my first exposure to the “networking process,” I would have been completely turned off because he hid behind the guise of networking when truthfully he was in full sales mode.

On another occasion, a gentleman asked me to meet with him to discuss his business and to see if I could help. The expectation in this situation was clear from the onset so there were no uncomfortable sales pitches. Even though there wasn't a fit for me with his company, I was able and pleased to connect him with others who were better matched to his needs.

Two different meetings with different tactics, therefore different results. Be up front and clear about your intentions for meeting rather than using backdoor, smoke-and-mirror tactics.

Agenda-pushing also contributes to networking's bad name. In life everyone has his or her own agenda. The sooner you understand that your agenda is not the same as anyone else's, the easier it will be for you to take a step back and genuinely connect with people.

Another person's priorities are rarely exactly in line with yours. Hitting a year-end sales target or raising money for a charity would rank differently for the seller or fundraiser than for the potential buyer or donor. Accepting this natural variance in priorities will help you identify the appropriate pace for building a relationship. Pushing your agenda onto someone else is a surefire way to trigger their fight-or-flight response.

When inevitable year-end crunch times occur you tap into your existing network. That's not when you try to push new contacts into your master plan. There is a distinction between trying to close a deal with a new contact at a networking function and calling an established associate to ask to be referred to someone who may need your product or service.

Another negative networking image comes from those who try too hard. The overt social climbers who are anxious to arrive at a new station in life are easily spotted. People can smell a phony a mile away. People will resent you and your success when they sense that you're only out for yourself and that you will step on toes to get to the top. This may not be your intention, but if that's how you're perceived, then you have additional challenges to overcome.

If, before reading this book, you have developed a negative impression of networking, either because you have been on the receiving end of unprofessional networking tactics or because you have been guilty of blurring these lines yourself, the time has come to accept and erase any such connotations.

A negative impression doesn't diminish the importance of networking and the positive impact proper networking can have on your life. You can't change the past. The key is to focus on the future. Even if you feel like you've blown it, don't worry—you can recover.

Understanding common behavioral culprits that hinder networking success will help you avoid making these mistakes in the future and will set you on a path to become a master networker.