Chapter 1: Getting Started: Are Men and Women Just Born Different or Do They Learn to Be Different?

Chapter 2: He Speaks, She Speaks: What Different Things They Say

Chapter 3: Gender Conversation Technicalities: Interruptions, Overlapping, and Other Turn-Taking Dilemmas

Chapter 4: Women, Men, and Unspoken Messages

Chapter 5: How She and He Listen

Chapter 6: Men, Women, and Conflict: Take It Like a Man Versus Nice Girls Don’t Do Conflict

Chapter 7: He and She Wired

Chapter 8: Final Thoughts on Reaching Across the Gender Divide

Chapter 9: Example One-Hour Program

Chapter 10: A Half-Day Program

Chapter 11: A Full-Day Program

PREFACE

The field of gender communication has always been a topic of interest and confusion. Most of us realize that men and women have different styles, but we can’t put our finger on what component of communication contributed to the mix-up. Because we are unaware of the stylistic differences that exist between men and women, we will often accuse the other sex of having bad intentions, being rude, or being just plain ignorant. We think they are the ones with the problem. But we must start with ourselves. We each have a responsibility in the communication process. We may not be able to control the other person’s communication style, but we can manage our own. Our natural tendency is to blame the failure of the relationship on the opposite sex—not productive, but definitely our inclination.

Add to the gender confusion the sheer complexity of the communication process, which involves not only linguistic styles but also unspoken messages—the silent dialogue of nonverbal behaviors—along with such things as the mechanics of the flow of an interaction from interruptions to who has the most airtime in the Monday morning staff meeting, and we wonder how any of us ever connected to close the deal. And as all of us know, where there are people, there is conflict; the mantra “harmony is normal” implies that conflict is abnormal. All workplace environments experience conflict, and it becomes even more of a challenge when we consider the different approaches and styles women and men use to handle it. In addition, the most critical communication skill, listening, has a gender divide that creates havoc at the conference table. Research reveals sex differences in listening is the number one communication complaint registered by both men and women. Finally, the simple daily act of sending an e-mail can backfire if we don’t consider the gender nuances in the composition before we hit “send.” The risk of ignoring gender differences can be costly and the process of naming them is a business imperative. Pretending there are no sex differences only holds us back and deprives us of the opportunity to be successful and impact the bottom line.

Despite all that’s been written, men and women are still misunderstanding each other. Failures in communication can impede career progress, mar relationships, confuse and aggravate daily interactions, and be costly to the organization and our financial well-being. Women and men continue to work together, and we don’t see that ending anytime soon. We know men and women bring different leadership and communication styles to the office. We champion differences and believe that men and women can learn from each other. We don’t believe women should act like men to succeed, and the business literature on emotional intelligence tells us the new model is not exclusively a male model but rather an androgynous approach. We get into trouble when we believe there is only one way, a rigid approach that can lead to failure. How do we move forward and create a new future of gender communication in the workplace?

In The Gender Communication Handbook, internationally recognized gender experts Dr. Audrey Nelson and Dr. Claire Damken Brown explore the intricacies of male-female communication. Audrey and Claire, both Ph.D.’s in communication, bring their collective experience of seventy years of conducting training in gender and diversity for a wide variety of corporations worldwide.

This book goes beyond capturing generalizations. It understands there are individual differences as well as gender similarities. It identifies the ontology and developmental underpinnings of why women and men say and do the things they do; through the process of identifying the sociological and psychological motivations, we minimize defensiveness. This book translates the complexity of gender communication into an easy-to-understand format that trainers can easily convey to their audiences. This is a hands-on systematic guide with how-to action steps for both men and women. It is meant to stimulate participants to question and encourage them to self-monitor their communication behavior through self-assessments, real-life case studies, and experiential exercises. It identifies unsettling questions that go to the core of how we relate to the opposite sex. It’s always helpful to understand your gender communication style and how others see you. This book outlines how to build a bigger tool kit for communicating with the opposite sex.

In short, Dr. Nelson and Dr. Brown will help the trainer and corporate audiences decipher the diverse world of gender communication through a practical guide that will enable them to enhance morale and productivity. We must consider new ideas of what it means to be male and female. When women and men embrace the journey by observing gender communication at the office and by questioning the traditional conventions that our culture and society have accepted, we will be better able to reach out to, respect, and understand each other.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

We would like to acknowledge with gratitude all the women and men who, over the past thirty-five years, have attended our trainings and trusted us with their workplace stories. In many ways they are equally the authors of this book. Their stories and our experiences from the corporate trenches have encouraged us to continuously move forward to create a more equitable workplace for women and men.

We are professionally grateful for the support and constant guidance we received from our agent, Linda Konner. She is the quintessential professional. A special thank-you to Matthew Davis for his guidance and all the publisher’s staff who helped make this book happen.

And most important, to Geoffrey and Larry, for reminding us that gender differences are a good thing.

THE AUTHORS

Audrey Nelson, Ph.D.

Dr. Audrey Nelson is an internationally recognized trainer, keynote speaker, author, and consultant who helps organizations increase their productivity and profitability through winning communication strategies. She specializes in gender communication, conflict management, generational communication, and interpersonal communication skills. She holds a B.A., M.A., and Ph.D. in Communication. She conducted postdoctoral work at Warnborough College in Oxford, England, in gender communication.

Dr. Nelson’s professional background includes teaching in the Department of Communication at the University of Colorado at Boulder, San Diego State University, and Southwestern College. Audrey received numerous awards for her teaching, including the most competitive recognition at the University of Colorado at Boulder, the Teaching Excellence Award.

For thirty-five years she has trained and consulted for a wide variety of government and Fortune 50 and 500 companies in forty-nine states, Australia, Great Britain, South Korea, and Canada. Among them are Xcel Energy, Pricewaterhouse Coopers, Cargill, AT&T, Honeywell, Hewlett-Packard, IBM, Upjohn Pharmaceuticals, Pentax, Lockheed Martin, Johnson & Johnson, U.S. Marine Corps, U.S. Forest Service, and the U.S. Dept. of Justice.

Thirty years ago she cofounded and served as president for the Organization for Research on Women and Communication (ORWAC), which publishes an academic journal dedicated to research on women and communication. ORWAC is a thriving leader of gender research in the United States (www.orwac.com).

Audrey’s first book, You Don’t Say: Navigating Nonverbal Communication Between the Sexes (Prentice Hall, 2004), was published in six languages. She also coauthored Code Switching: How to Talk So Men Will Listen (Penguin-Alpha Books, 2009).

Audrey is the gender expert for the Psychology Today blog “He Speaks, She Speaks” and for FOX, Denver.

Audrey has produced four CDs of her most requested topics: “He Speaks, She Speaks: What Different Things They Say!” “The Art of Conscious Communication: A Talent for a Technical Age,” “Victors Without Victims: Managing Conflict for a Positive Outcome,” and “Dealing with Difficult People.” For more information about Audrey consult her website at www.AudreyNelson.com.

Claire Damken Brown, Ph.D.

Dr. Claire Damken Brown, founder and president of Damken Brown and Associates, Inc., is a savvy speaker, industry consultant, and seminar leader specializing in diversity and equal employment opportunity strategies, gender communication, sexual harassment prevention, and cultural competency.

A pioneer in the field of diversity, Dr. Brown has twenty-five years of experience in Fortune 50 companies, featuring sixteen years at AT&T and then at Lucent Technologies directing diversity and equal opportunity–related organizations, investigating discrimination cases globally, and training professionals on diversity and legal requirements. She has received numerous awards for her leadership and innovative diversity initiatives. Her doctor’s and master’s degrees focused on male-female workplace communication.

As a national consultant with various organizations, Claire challenges companies and individuals to look at their organization’s systems, interpersonal behaviors, and customer service when integrating diversity and creating a welcoming environment that respects and builds on differences. She is a champion of people achieving their goals in a safe and harassment-free workplace.

Claire volunteers as the diversity director for the Colorado Society for Human Resource Management (COSHRM) State Council. She is an active member of the National Speakers Association, both locally and nationally. As a current adjunct professor at Denver’s Metropolitan State College, she engages students in hot topics when teaching the Management Department’s workforce diversity and human resources courses.

She is the coauthor of two books: Conflict and Diversity (Hampton Press, 1997) and Code Switching: How to Talk So Men Will Listen, (Penguin-Alpha Books, 2009). In addition, she has authored several journal and magazine articles. To learn more about Dr. Brown, see her website at www.DamkenBrown.com.

INTRODUCTION: GETTING THE MOST FROM THIS RESOURCE

This book contains eight chapters that each address a critical gender communication skill that men and women require to navigate today’s workplace. The topic of gender communication often causes a stir and many sparks to fly. It is a tricky subject for organizations and trainers to address for a number of reasons. For the last four decades, women have entered the workplace in record numbers, changing the dynamics and culture of how we do business. They have contributed to the diversity equation with a different communication style from the historical male model of doing business. There are only two genders—male and female—and, of course, we never think the communication breakdown was our fault, so it is the other gender’s fault. The blame game is a common theme you hear around the water cooler: “If he would only listen” or “She just can’t get to the point.” Finally, communication can take on microinequities: small behaviors enacted on a daily basis that may not be identified easily, but result in hard feelings and a reduction in morale. The subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle exchanges between men and women can make or break a deal and have an impact on the bottom line. For today’s workplace, most challenges fall into one or more of these eight dimensions of communication:

How This Book Is Organized

Conducting training in gender communication should start at the beginning with the origins of and most-asked questions participants have about sex differences. Chapter One, “Getting Started: Are Men and Women Just Born Different or Do They Learn to Be Different?” addresses these concerns, identifying the seven most-asked questions, and allows the training to move beyond the classic nature-nurture controversy. Biology is not destiny and participants have a choice in their communication style. The chapter highlight is a self-assessment, The Code-Switching Quotient, a tool designed to identify the participant’s ability to implement strategic flexibility by incorporating a more androgynous approach to communication with the opposite sex.

Chapter Two, “He Speaks, She Speaks: What Different Things They Say,” moves to the most obvious and familiar form of communication: speech. Specific speech patterns that can incite a communication gap are presented in concrete terms. Diagrams from the anatomy of a question to examples of credibility-robbing qualifiers and disclaimers are illustrated throughout the chapter. An analysis of how everyday speech can undermine our influence or result in being perceived as insensitive by the opposite sex is illustrated through dialogue examples and case studies.

Chapter Three, “Gender Conversation Technicalities: Interruptions, Overlapping, and Other Turn-Taking Dilemmas,” identifies the technicalities of communication flow from interruptions, turn taking, and overlapping. Who gets the floor and keeps the floor usually has the most influence. Nothing can frustrate a speaker more than constant interruption, especially if she does not know how to get her turn to talk. The concepts of self-directed and other-oriented people are reviewed in terms of men’s and women’s communication styles.

Chapter Four, “Women, Men, and Unspoken Messages,” addresses the silent dimension of communication; unspoken messages can speak volumes and create off-record behaviors that undermine communication. Years of research have revealed the majority of the meaning of a message is conveyed through nonverbal cues including facial expressions, eye contact, gestures, and much more. This chapter focuses on how to take off-record behavior and put it on record.

Chapter Five, “How She and He Listen,” tackles the number one complaint registered by women about men: men don’t listen. Of course, men do listen, but they listen differently than women do and maybe not exactly the way women want them to listen. Add to the equation women’s more process-oriented style of speaking and men have a challenge trying to listen. Listening is often regarded as the single most important communication skill in the business world. Ask anyone in sales. Not listening can be costly.

Chapter Six, “Men, Women, and Conflict,” deals with how women and men handle conflict. A number of erroneous assumptions about conflict and sex differences are addressed. They include how men and women handle anger; stylistic differences such as competition, accommodation, and avoidance; and how control and vulnerability are expressed. Every workplace has conflict; leadership is often judged by how it is handled. This chapter suggests straightforward tips for managing the sex differences in conflict for a productive outcome.

Chapter Seven, “He and She Wired,” identifies how men and women compose and use e-mail. In a manner similar to their speech patterns, women will incorporate exclamations, emoticons, and accolades and compose lengthier e-mails. In contrast, men are task-oriented and kings of the one-liner. Both styles serve a purpose but can cause rifts and hard feelings if we are ignorant of these gender nuances.

Chapter Eight, “Final Thoughts on Reaching Across the Gender Divide,” summarizes bridging the gender divide with useful tips that stem from the belief that “different but equal” is the mantra we should follow. It acknowledges that gender differences are real and many. Although men and women communicate differently, none of the differences have to be stumbling blocks to performance at work.

Finally, these chapters present action steps for both men and women, training tips that address the relationship of various chapters as well as how to handle difficult topics, sidebars with learning points that add emphasis where needed, case studies derived from work experiences, role-plays, experiential exercises, debriefing sections suitable for minilectures with the latest research and perspectives, and self-assessments. As noted in particular chapters, the chapters themselves may be presented individually as stand-alone programs or units, or the chapters may be presented together for a longer program. Alternatively, the trainer may select individual exercises from various chapters to form the content of the trainer’s program. Timing and materials for the unit are listed. A chapter section groups together similar exercise topics and discussions. A goal, objectives, timing, materials, and setup are listed for each exercise. Chapters Nine, Ten, and Eleven provide example program agendas for one-hour, half-day, and full-day programs. These sample agendas take the exercises from the first eight chapters and provide useful sample agendas for trainers. Both the novice and veteran trainer can use the complete handbook for designing and presenting a training program on gender communication.

A paradigm shift has taken place in the last several decades—the way women and men work has changed forever. This book is about change in the most fundamental form of work: communication. Workforce projections leave no doubt that men and women will be spending time with each other in all capacities and all levels from coworker to CEO. This human capital can be maximized through a working knowledge of hands-on skills to enhance communication between the sexes.

CHAPTER 1

Getting Started

Are Men and Women Just Born Different or Do They Learn to Be Different?

What are little boys made of?
Frogs and snails,
And puppy-dogs’ tails;
That’s what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice,
and all that’s nice;
That’s what little girls are made of.

—Robert Southey (1820)

Learning Objectives

• Identify the seven most-asked questions about gender communication.
• Create an awareness of the origin of sex differences in communication style.
• Assess personal style and the ability to code switch.
• Understand the importance of adopting an androgynous style to improve communication with the opposite sex.

Introduction

Although we are different, men and women are designed to be allies and can complement each other’s limitations; we can fill in the blanks for each other. Conventional wisdom tells us that “our greatest strength is our greatest weakness.” We have all witnessed a person rely on a strength in the wrong place or at the wrong time. Ouch! They fail to develop other strengths outside their behavioral repertoire that are more appropriate for the situation. One of the benefits of women and men coming together in the workplace is we can learn from each other. As a case in point, coed teams are usually higher functioning and produce a superior level of results than same-sex groups. Organizations are more effective when they apply both “female” and “male” strengths to maximize the bottom line and reach their goals.

In addition, although men and women often misunderstand each other, most of us don’t try to make life difficult for the opposite sex. However, we often mistake and misinterpret each other’s actions, words, and feelings. In her book, In a Different Voice (1982), Harvard psychologist Carol Gilligan described the problem by claiming that “men and women may speak different languages that they assume are the same … creating misunderstandings which impede communication and limit the potential for cooperation” (p. 2). But suggesting that gender communication is problematic is not to imply that all gender communication centers around problems; rather, simply put, it is complicated. Just the act of communication is a multifaceted process. Add gender to the equation and it becomes more complex. Research in psychology, linguistics, sociology, and anthropology demonstrates that sex differences in communication are real. We experience them every day at work and home.

Women and men can be perceived as members of two distinct and separate subcultures within a larger, more general culture. Each subculture has a set of rules, beliefs, behavioral expectations, and verbal and nonverbal symbols. For both men and women, language and nonverbal cues receive reinforcements for employing expected communication styles and sanctions if they should venture into the other’s territory. For example, most can fill in the blank: Big boys don’t (cry), take it like a (man), and boys will be (boys).

In addition, this is not about sexuality. Sex is your biological determination and an unchangeable fact at birth (although in adulthood, some people decide to change their sex). Gender refers to and is created through communication; gender is learned communication behaviors. Many people think biological sex and constructed gender are the same thing. They are not. Bate (1992) distinguishes sex as referring to biologically determined, innate features and treated as permanent fact. She describes gender as socially learned behaviors, treated as behavioral ideals to achieve and prescribe (p. 5).

Gender issues in communication begin at birth and are part of your life until you die. They never go away. For example, we know that before you draw your first breath, discussions have taken place indicating a preference for one sex or the other. The color and design of the nursery is gender specific and now the stage is set. As early as two to three years old, children learn their sex and the attending gender expectations. Only for a brief time do children engage in mixed-gender play and dress before they relinquish the gender behavior of the other sex. A boy insists on wearing barrettes in his hair and a girl refuses to wear a dress or her black patent shoes. It’s Barbie and play makeup for her and trucks and Transformers for him.

A girl can be a “tomboy” or assume more boy behaviors, and it is still within the acceptable range among adults and her peer group. However, a boy will be admonished as a “sissy” for displaying any female behaviors; he is a wimp. Boys may be dissuaded from developing an understanding of the feminine experience by the off-putting messages about femininity. He cannot explore femininity because it is highly taboo. One could argue that because there seems to be a broader range of acceptance for girls to be able to explore and assume boy behaviors, they have an advantage. She can cross over and he cannot. The entrenchment and rigidity of masculinity begins and stays with him for life. Femininity is not so inflexible.

Timing for Unit

Materials for Unit

Section 1: Introduction to Gender: It’s Complicated

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Exercise 1.1. Warm-Up Exercise: The Seven Most-Asked Questions

Goal

Identify the most-asked questions about gender communication.

Objectives

• Create an awareness of predispositions and commonly held beliefs regarding gender communication.
• Discuss the range of attitudes toward gender communication.
• Define the origin and nature of gender differences.

Timing of Exercise

15–20 minutes

Materials

Handout: The Seven Most-Asked Questions, chart paper and easel, markers

Slide 1.1.

Setup

Conduct this exercise in dyads and then process it with the entire group or organize it in groups of five to eight members, where each member shares his or her response, and then process it with the entire group.

The content for the handout is the same as the content on slide 1.1. Distribute the handout.

Solicit the group for three or four of the seven questions with the entire group participating. The trainer presents the responses to the remaining questions. In other words, the group can dictate what questions they are most interested in to begin the discussion; then the trainer supplements the answers to the remaining questions.

Ask the group for the questions that received the most attention or debate. Question 1 is usually selected most often, followed by question 6.

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Debrief