Praise for But He Says He Loves Me:
‘With the consequences of relationship violence being so dramatic and the statistics alarmingly high, too often the cry goes out “why didn’t someone do something sooner”?
Finally a book that tells it like it is; that peels back the veneer of romance, providing an essential, practical guide to understanding the development of unhealthy relationships.
Confronting, honest, accurately researched and presented in a powerful, easy to read format, author Dina McMillan teaches ways to participate in relationships with confidence, rose-coloured glasses put to one side, forearmed and forewarned.’
— The Hon. Robyn Parker MLC, Member of the Legislative Council NSW
‘This book illustrates some of the complex dynamics that exist in violent relationships. It is uniquely placed to assist women who are in abusive relationships or to identify a relationship that is potentially abusive.’
— The Hon. Tanya Plibersek MP, Federal Member for Sydney
BUT HE SAYS HE LOVES ME
First published by Allen and Unwin in 2007
Copyright © Dina L. McMillan 2007
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.
Allen & Unwin
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National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:
McMillan, Dina L., 1959- .
But he says he loves me : how to avoid being trapped
in a manipulative relationship.
ISBN 978 1 74175 196 3.
1. Psychologically abused women. 2. Psychological
abuse. 3. Man-woman relationships. 4. Self-help
techniques. I. Title.
362.837
Internal design by Kirby Stalgis
Set in Courier 11/16pt and Syndor ITC 10.5/16pt by Midland Typesetters
Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
How to avoid being trapped in a
manipulative relationship
SMOOTH TALK
These women, you know
They’ll talk til they’re blue!
While desire is pulsing and rising in you,
So say whatever she wants you to —
’Cause a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do!
So, tell her anything.
Tell her you’ll stay for the rest of your life
And of course you’re going to leave your wife,
As your hand slides gently between her thighs
’Cause your needs are piercing, as sharp
as a knife!
So, tell her anything.
Say you’ll respect her when all this is done.
As you plunge deep inside her say,
‘You are the one!’
Soon it’ll be over, and then you can run,
’Cause to her this was love
To you this was fun!
So, tell her anything!
Broken Vessel
I watch you in secret from the side of my eye
For portents and signs
That my world will turn rightly or split full apart
On an axis of thought or simple turn of phrase
I started out whole, if not wholly complete
In wonderment and fear
You burst through with labels of saviour and keeper
With claims of paradise to be found in your arms
With boldness you focused and pinned me in place
I think I can’t breathe
Your words froth through me like acid on stone
Eroding my knowing, my light and my self
I watch as my heart is smashed in your anger
Seared hard at your whim
Now my soul peeks through the poorly glued cracks
And glistens no more, not sacred or fine
This is not your normal self-help book. In fact, this book is probably different from anything you have ever read. That is not an egotistical claim by a self-important author. It is a statement to help you understand that these differences are intentional.
Most information designed to help women with bad relationships starts too late. Those books offer to help you after you realise your relationship is crap. By that stage you are already emotionally, practically and perhaps financially entangled with the man who is hurting you. Your self-esteem is low and you are already used to deferring to his authority. Getting out is difficult and may seem impossible.
You do not have to be in a relationship with a manipulator or an abuser to benefit from this information. In fact, familiarity with this information will keep you out of a relationship with an abuser, as long as you apply what you learn. I believe an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I would rather women find out what the serious warning signs are before they sleep with him, move in with him, marry him or have children with him. And for those who have already done any of these things, knowing how he trapped you can increase your resolve to get out.
Unlike most books, this is written in two different ‘voices’. The right-hand, odd-numbered pages are written in the voice of the author, a social psychologist who specialises in relationships. The left-hand, even-numbered pages are written in the voice of a man who feels perfectly justified in manipulating his partner, and believes all men should do the same thing. It uses the perspectives, language and outlook that hundreds of self-confessed abusive men have revealed in counselling sessions in my office. It is not pretty or nice. It is, however, useful for women to hear.
Some people will object to this book and the information enclosed. Yet, those who work with abused women will probably recognise that this book is not revealing anything abusers do not already know—and use. This book is designed to help women by identifying the specific strategies abusers use at the beginning of the relationship to psychologically condition and trap their partners.
In order to facilitate the ultimate goal of this book—to empower women—I have separated the book into two sections. On the left-hand, even-numbered pages you will find how-to instructions for abusive males, written as though from a more seasoned abuser. I have attempted to tap into the genuine mind-set of abusive men, based on my years of experience working as a relationship counsellor and domestic violence specialist. The right-hand pages have corresponding information for women that will help point out the manipulative tactics and give women instructions for protecting themselves.
I would suggest you read the right-hand pages—the pages for women—before attempting to go through the section for abusers. It can be very disturbing to realise how easily you can be sized up and manipulated by a determined predator. After you are armed with information that will help you understand how women are most vulnerable and information to help you protect yourself, then go back and look inside the abusers’ minds. It is a frightening place to be.
The book is not filled with stories presented as examples. It is franker and briefer than that. It guides you through the strategies abusive men use to manipulate women, one step at a time. Once you read it, you will not have to guess if a guy is trying to manipulate you (or has tried and either failed or succeeded). You will know.
Introduction: Introduction: The Abuser’s Handbook
Part 1: In the Beginning . . . |
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|
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1. |
Select Your Woman |
2. |
Testing and Continued Training |
3. |
Set the Foundation |
4. |
Build Your Authority |
5. |
Strengthen Your Position |
6. |
Let’s Talk About SEX |
7. |
Overcome Resistance |
|
|
Part II: After You Are Committed |
|
8. |
A Final Word |
Over the last 30 years, men have been put down for being men. We have been told lies by the government and the media. This deception has been supported by feminists and others who are threatened by the true order of things. Men are supposed to lead the way. It is really that simple. If you are a man, it is your right and duty to be in charge of your woman and your family.
If you have been deceived by what you have been told recently, do not worry. The purpose of this book is to put things back the way they are supposed to be. You will be given the important first steps. You will be taught how to retrain your own thinking and that of your woman so natural order is restored.
Before you begin, prepare yourself mentally. Recall that everything around you was built by men. The foundation of society — headed by men — must be strong with men clearly in charge or everything we love will crumble into dust. Your ability to gain and maintain leadership over your woman will depend on your ability to grasp that you have the RIGHT to be in control. If you act tentative or soft, the women in your life will think they can dominate you.
You must always remember who is the most important one — you. You are the man. A woman’s duty is to serve your needs, to make sure you are happy and content. While it is useful sometimes to do things for your woman, make sure she is always aware that her needs are never as important as yours. She can not be happy if she does not know her place. Her place is beneath you, behind you, serving you.
Do not make the mistake of underestimating women. They may appear soft, but women can be sneaky and underhanded. Some of them will lull you into thinking they have accepted their place and then do something to defy you. Watch your woman closely. Periodically reassert your authority to remind her of the consequences of disobedience.
You must not be afraid to use punishment. Punishment is not a bad thing; it is an effective teaching tool. Few women can be adequately trained without it. For some men, the punishment they inflict takes physical form. However, this is not the most reliable way to teach a woman her place — and physical reprimands place men at risk of trouble from outsiders. Rather, you will learn the most effective punishments are emotional and psychological. This book will show you the most efficient punishments, as well as how and when to use them.
This book will instruct you how to gain and maintain unquestioned leadership over your woman. Mind you, if you want it to work you have to pay attention and apply consistent effort to your task. But if you follow the steps closely, you will have your woman waiting on you hand and foot, serving your every need without complaint.
Do not improvise until you have been doing this successfully for some time. Some steps have to be performed a certain way and in a particular order. If you change the approach or the order, your attempts to train your woman will only be partially successful. Your woman will consistently defy you and may even leave the relationship.
Sometimes, however, there will be more than one way to do things so you can find the moves that feel most natural for you. Each type of move, firm or flexible, will be clearly indicated in the instructions.
By the way, feminists and those who sympathise with them call these behaviours ‘manipulation’. That is an ugly word implying terrible things done to a person against their will. In this handbook, we refer to this conduct as ‘smooth manoeuvres’. These are persuasive actions that convince your woman to fully accept your leadership.
Some women may resist. Those who genuinely oppose you will back out of the relationship early, sometimes without giving you their real reasons for going. (Women do not necessarily say what they are thinking.) Even if she objects at first, if a woman stays with you her protests are probably just leftovers from her feminist indoctrination. After a while she will accept your actions as right for both of you and love you more than ever.
The important first step to getting the relationship you want is to select the right woman. This process is not too complicated, but requires some thoughtful action on your part. Fortunately, most women have already been brought up to submit to the leadership of a truly masculine man. When you show her who you are, she will naturally assume her rightful, submissive place.
Be careful not to invest too much of your own emotion at the very beginning. Cast your net wide and put some energy into it, but save your emotions for the later stages when a particular woman has proven herself worthy. Even one who seems a likely prospect at first may not agree to be fully trained. Do not waste your emotions on defiant women.
There are several ways to find the right woman for your relationship: (1) select a woman who is already primed; (2) choose one who is easy to shape; or (3) go for the challenge. The information below can help you decide which is best for you — or you can try a combination.
For those of you who do not want to start from scratch, the easiest way to find a submissive woman is to get one from a right-minded group. Not only will these women see your leadership as natural, they will gain status within their own group if they are seen to be in a committed relationship with a masculine man. Look for these women in:
When you choose a woman who has been raised to submit to her man, you will be able to rely upon her family and community to support you if she veers from the path you have set for her.
Note: a woman from another country may not speak English. Ideally, you should learn some of her language so you can communicate. However, it is best if you do not allow her to learn English. If she does not speak English, she will not be able to travel outside of the home without you. Also, her relationship with you will be her sole means for staying in the country. If she does not want to return to her native land she has to comply.
Also keep in mind, women from traditional religious groups may be pressured to marry someone of their own religion. This may require your conversion to her religion. As long as the religion is not too far from your own beliefs or too strict you may want to consider it. After all, most traditional religions expect women to conform more than they do men.
By the way, even if women are Western and consider themselves to be modern, keep an eye out for women whose last relationship was like the one you are seeking. These women are already mentally set and have been trained to submit.
Whether or not you select a woman who is already primed and ready for the relationship you want, you should still pay attention to the advice that follows.
Some women are not fully prepared to initially accept your leadership. This is not a problem as long as you choose one who will allow herself to be trained. A woman is more likely to do this if you have clear advantages over her. The more advantages you have and the greater distance between you in these areas the better. (If she is traditional, it will make things easier still for you.) The gap will make it easier to train her to accept your leadership. Some of the most common advantages include the following: