Published by Century 2010

2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1

Copyright © Tim Vine 2010

Tim Vine has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

First published in Great Britain in 2010 by
Century
Random House, 20 Vauxhall Bridge Road,
London SW1V 2SA

www.randomhouse.co.uk

Illustrations © Tim Vine 2010

Addresses for companies within The Random House Group Limited can be found at: www.randomhouse.co.uk

The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 8460 5827 1

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Typeset in Bailey Sans by Palimpsest Book Production Limited,
Falkirk, Stirlingshire
Printed and bound in Great Britain by
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For my family, my friends and all of my fan

Tim Vine is a comedian. He was born in Cheam. He’s a big fan of broccoli and darts and karaoke.

THIS TIM VINE JOKE BOOK BELONGS TO

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MY FAVOURITE JOKE IS JOKE NUMBER

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PREFACE

INTRODUCTION

So this bloke rang me up. He said, ‘I’m calling from Random House.’ I said, ‘Can you be a bit more specific?’ (That’s the first joke.) He said, ‘Would you like to create a joke book filled entirely with your gags?’ I said, ‘As long as I don’t have to put the cover on myself, cos that would be a bit of a bind.’ (That’s the second joke but I might be losing you.) He said, ‘What do you know about books?’ I said, ‘Only what I’ve read.’ (It’s the way he types ’em!) He said, ‘Fill the book with nonsense.’ I said, ‘That’s my middle name … Phil.’

The result of that first exchange is in your hands. Jokes I wrote for my stand up act, jokes from some of my old Edinburgh shows and tours, jokes I wrote in little note -books that I stashed in the cupboard under the stairs and thought would never see the light of day, jokes I wrote with my mate John Archer – just lots of my jokes. And I’ve also scribbled some in cartoon form.

I hope you laugh. The advantage of a book, of course, is that I won’t hear the heckles.

Tim Vine
2010

TIM VINE JOKES: 1 TO 100

1. This bloke said to me, he said I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away. I said that’s a bit far-fetched.

2. I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length.

3. This reporter said to me, he said how would you describe the absence of Haley’s flaming meteorite? I said no comet.

4. I’m amazed how many people go to Ascot when it’s windy. Still, hats off to them.

5. Me and my brother inherited some furniture from the local zoo. I’m glad to say I got the lion’s chair.

6. Whenever I’m in Italy I become a rickety old table. I guess I’m just a hopeless Rome antique.

7. My granddad was a film actor a very long time ago. He was a star of the bronze screen.

8. Dot dot dot. Dash dash dash. I really regret that. Remorse code.

9. After I’ve had an argument I sometimes hold a Hoover over my head. It helps clear the air.

10. The other day I sat on a hairdryer. That put the wind up me.

11. So I was lying in a bath of meths, and my girlfriend rang up and said she was lying in a bath of paraffin. I said I’m with you in spirit.

12. I’ve got a friend who’s a very tall blade of grass. He’s easily swayed.

13. This bloke said to me, he said I bet you can’t name a famous Egyptian landmark. I said that’s what you Sphinx.

14. My dog’s bark is worse than his bite because he hasn’t got any teeth, and when he barks people’s ears explode.

15. I saw a 20-foot parrot the other day. You could knock me down with a feather.

16. I was adopted by a sports car. He took me under his wing mirror.

17. I was skiing through Tie Rack and I fell down an 80-foot cravat.

18. So I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a serial killer. He was always burying other people’s heads in the sand.

19. The other day I tied my head to a dog’s tail. I just fancied a bit of a chinwag.

20. So I saw this bloke with a 1.2-litre engine halfway down his arm. I said more power to your elbow.

21. www.Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

22. I was watching a horror film and my skin peeled off my body and started tiptoeing round the house. I thought, this film is making my skin creep.

23. I’ve got a friend who’s a psychopath and he’s got a brilliant sense of humour. He kills me!

24. So this bloke pulled a vital organ out of my chest and chucked it into a pond. My heart sank.

25. This bloke said to me, he said why are you shouting into the air conditioning? I said I’m venting my feelings.

26. I saw this extinct bird with a hunchback. It was Quasidodo.

27. I’ve started displaying some of my clothes and possessions and photographs of me. I’ve made an exhibition of myself.

28. I didn’t have a happy upbringing. I remember my 3rd birthday party. I was 15.

29. The Second World War was no picnic. (Because they couldn’t find a big enough blanket).

30. So I went to the petrol station. I said, fill her up. When I came back he was stuffing my wife’s face with cream cakes.

31. This turkey challenged me to a fight. He threw down the giblet.

32. I saw this angry verruca. He was on the wart path.

33. So I went on a date and all we talked about was wooden leg extensions. The conversation was stilted.

34. I’m looking for a house at the moment. It’s MY house. I’ve forgotten where I live.

35. I spent the whole of today pruning. I was just chucking prunes at people.

36. My girlfriend is covered from head to toe in grass. Her name’s Lorna.

37. Me and my mum don’t get on. We never argue, but if a bus stops in front of us we don’t get on.

38. My uncle’s mad because he wears a wiggly jacket. Whereas my auntie, she wears a straight jacket.

39. I entered a competition putting sails on boats. It was rigged.

40. So I went down the local hotel, and I said can you put me up, and he nailed me to the ceiling.

41. I’ve got a friend who puts plaster of Paris on my face, waits for it to dry and then hits it with a chisel. He cracks me up.

42. Groundsheets. They don’t get much coverage.

43. I’ve got a gun made out of a dozen pigs. It’s a 12-boar.

44. This bloke said to me, he said why have you got manure on your head? I said I’ve just had my hair dung.

45. What has lots of legs and a machine gun?
A caterkiller.

46. I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney.

47. So I went to the chemists, I said give me some rat poison. He said, I’m sorry sir, but we only sell things to unblock your nose. I said, I know that, but I’ve got a rat up my nose.

48. This bloke said to me, he said I live in the sky with a Swiss clock. I said you’re in cloud cuckoo land.

49. I once tried to hang myself with a clip-on tie. Broke both my legs.

50. I used to file my nails but then I thought, what’s the point of keeping them?

51. Exit signs, they’re on the way out.

52. Black Beauty, he’s a dark horse.

53. I’ve got a sponge front door. Hey, don’t knock it.

54. I never sleep with fish. I’m halibut.

55. I used to go out with a mackerel and when we split up she was very upset. I said, there’s plenty more men on the earth.

56. I’m being stalked by a Sumo wrestler. I’ve got a big following.

57. I was driving here and a policeman stopped me because one of my tyres was a bit flat. Luckily I had a foot pump in the boot. So I knocked him out with that and drove off.

58. I was working in a garage and Little Bo Peep walked in. She said, there’s smoke coming out of my bonnet. I said your hair’s on fire.

59. When I drive my car eggs shoot out the boot. It’s a hatchback.

60. I’m colour blind but it doesn’t stop me enjoying life. The other night I saw ‘Joseph and His Amazing Brown Coat’. It was great.

61. I was working in a health food shop and this bloke walked in. He said, evening primrose oil? I said Mr Vine to you.

62. He said, soya chunks? I said, you shouldn’t have been looking.

63. He said, cellulite? I said, how much do you want for it?

64. He said, would you like some Alpen? I said, I suppose you think that’s a muesli.

65. So I got a job at Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in. He said, give me 2 Whoppers. I said, you’re good looking and your musicals are great.

66. Batman walked up to me, smashed a vase over my head and said, T’pow! I said, don’t you mean Kapow? He said, no, I’ve got china in my hand.

67. You invented Tippex – Correct me if I’m wrong.

68. So I was in this restaurant and during the starter the waiter came over, tapped me on the head with his little finger and then walked off. Then during the main course he got his index finger and applied gentle pressure to my shoulder. And then while I was having dessert he brushed my ear lightly with his thumb. That’s the difference between a good restaurant and a great restaurant. It’s the little touches.

69.