PENGUIN BOOKS
WHO MOVED MY BLACKBERRY™?
‘Quite possibly the best book ever written on any subject ever’ Boris Johnson
‘Like all good comic creations, this Alan Partridge of the corporate world is instantly recognizable’ Daily Telegraph
‘A funny, acute take on ambition, hypocrisy, chance couplings – the usual office fare’ GQ
‘Read this and you will never be able to mention “blue-sky thinking” again without blushing’ Metro
‘Acutely and hilariously observed. The very best satire. If there’s one book every ambitious manager should read it’s this one’ Evening Standard
‘Enormously funny, touching… should become an instant classic’ Financial Times
‘Hilarious. Will astound any reader not familiar with the current mores of white-collar corporate life’ Sunday Times
‘The funniest book I’ve read about management… really is hilarious. Management clichés and fads are ruthlessly ridiculed, and the book’s brilliant ending turns it from a clever satire into a Dantean vision of corporate hell. Bridget Jones for the middle manager, only better’ Sunday Telegraph
MARTIN LUKES is Director of Special Projects at a-b glöbâl (UK), the London branch of a Fortune 500 company. Martin’s career progression has been exponential in the last few years, rising from Marketing Director (UK) to Chief of Staff, Office of the CEO, making him at one point the most senior British executive on the US business scene. Born in Basingstoke in 1961, Martin is married to Jens, an a-b glöbâl director in her own right, and they have two sons, Jake (16) and Max (14).
For the last six years Martin has been writing a weekly column about his life, his loves and his management philosophy in the Financial Times on Thursdays. The column is eagerly read by captains of industry, among whom Martin Lukes has established an unrivalled track record as an iconic leader and trendsetter. This is his first book, which he plans to use as a platform to launch his career in the ‘literary world’.
Martin has won countless awards, including ‘BT Outstanding Individual Contributrion to Work Life Balance 2004’ (runner-up) and ‘Best Change of DNA in Outsourced Space 2003’ (sponsored by Hyatt Regency). His hobbies are golf, theatre, opera and reading ‘the Classics’.
LUCY KELLAWAY is a journalist for the Financial Times. She lives in London.
PENGUIN BOOKS
Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Authors’ Acknowledgements
Pandora’s Acknowledgements
PENGUIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
www.penguin.com
First published by Viking 2005
Published in Penguin Books 2006
Copyright © Lucy Kellaway, 2005
All rights reserved
The moral right of the author has been asserted
Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
ISBN-13: 978-0-141-02054-9
To dearest Mum, my #1 fan
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Hi Sylvia
What’s this message to call Sebastian Fforbes Hever? Did he say what it was about? I’m going out now for a spot of lunch. If he calls back, I’ve got my mobile, pager and BlackBerry with me.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling –
Sorry about last night… had a few too many. Will try to get back early tonite to make amends.
btw one of the top headhunters at Heidrick Ferry has been trying to get hold of me(!)… dunno what it’s about
Love you, M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: SebastianFforbesHever@HeidrickFerry
Hi Sebastian
Thanks for your most intriguing email. Yes, indeed, I could find a window to meet up with you tomorrow. I’ll have to juggle a couple of meetings, but should be do-able – could see you at your offices in Buckingham Palace Road at around 3ish.
Bestest
Martin Lukes
Marketing Director, A&B (UK)
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling –
Guess what?? I’ve been approached to be director of marketing and strategy at a major FTSE 100 company!! All very hush hush… the headhunter wouldn’t say which one over the phone, but I’m going to meet him tomorrow.
I know you’re really up against it this pm but wld be v grateful if you’d pick up my grey Hugo Boss suit from the cleaners.
Love you M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Hi Sylvia, I’m popping out now. If anyone wants to know where I am, say I’m at a forward planning meeting with Tim at BGF. Will be back 5ish.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling – FANTASTIC meeting with Sebastian just now. The job is marketing director of Sainsbury’s!! The role’s heaven made for yours truly – I’d be in charge of 350 people globally, $1bn annual budget. Very high profile.
Sebastian didn’t mention the package at this stage, but said it wouldn’t be an obstacle to finding the right person. I assume at least twice what I’m on now… It’s got my name all over it – what they want are unrivalled communications skills, out of the box thinking, results-driven mentality and an outstanding track record in driving performance… I’ve got ticks in all the boxes. Coming straight home now.
Love you M xx
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: SebastianFforbesHever@HeidrickFerry
Hi Sebastian
Great to meet with you yesterday – I felt we were very much singing from the same hymn sheet. I just wanted to reiterate how positive I am about this position, and how much I have to bring to the party.
Just to re-cap: I’m very can-do, very get-up-and-go – I operate very well within a large company – but have a pronounced entrepreneurial streak, that keeps me thinking outside the box. Look forward to hearing from you.
All my very bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling –
I’m on the shortlist!!! I’m going to meet all the top bods at Sainsbury’s on Monday. I’ve got to prepare a presentation on how I would transition the marketing strategy onto a higher plane. Should be no problem, though I’m a bit out of the loop on food shopping – you’ve deskilled me on that one! As a shopper, have you got any pointers on supermarkets – from the consumer’s perspective? Debrief tonite?
Love you, M xx
PS I’ll be working flat out all weekend… so don’t think I’ll be able to make it to yr parents on Sunday.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling – don’t think you understand this is the biggest inflexion point in my career to date. I’m sure your parents won’t mind – they don’t like me anyway…
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling – total triumph!! The chief executive of Sainsbury’s has the IDENTICAL take on the future of marketing to yours truly. I gave them my spiel on how we have gone beyond traditional marketing into a new age of synchronicity across functionalities. The interview was meant to last an hour, but I got the feeling they had made up their mind after 15 minutes, and after that it was more like a relaxed friendly chat than your bog-standard interview.
My presentation on their marketing strategy was 110 per cent on the button. I decided not to pull my punches, and I was pretty critical – though obviously in a very positive sort of way. Basically I said that in the past they’ve relied too heavily on Jamie Oliver – they need to have a more flexible approach to winning hearts and minds of today’s shoppers. See you later.
M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: SebastianFforbesHever@HeidrickFerry
Hi Sebastian
Just wanted to touch base to find out how you think that went? Have you had any feedback from your client? From my point of view it was very positive indeed…
Bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling – Just had a brief chat with Sebastian – and he says they are ‘Very interested’ in me. Re package, we’re talking of something in the region of 350k, plus bonus which could be same again. Obviously share options, pension, health insurance, gym club membership. Car allowance would be double so that we could trade in the Mitsubishi Shogun and get a Porsche Cayenne V8 Turbo S.
We could also think of moving. I could see us in one of those 8-bed detached jobs on the common itself – near where George and Stacey live. I just called the estate agent, and there’s one on the market for 3.2mil, which would be do-able.
Love you M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling – Yes, I know I shouldn’t count my chickens. And I’m not. I’m simply repeating what I’ve been told. In any case in this market milieu if you don’t have a positive headset you don’t get anywhere.
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham
Did you notice that I wasn’t firing on all cylinders in the board meeting just now? Between you and me and the gatepost, that could be the last one I’m ever going to attend. I’m up for a big job. It’s as good as in the bag, though can’t tell you what at this juncture. But put it this way. Think supermarket. Think Jamie Oliver. Think Chief Marketing Officer…
Mart
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Cheers, Graham. Yes obviously I am totally over the moon. I had started feeling very stuck here – but I suppose I’ve been in denial about it. At the end of the day, being marketing director has been a load of fun, but I’ve outgrown it.
Mart
PS Keep this under your hat till it’s greenlighted. Then monster drinks in order.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Hi Sylvia
I think I should let you into a little secret. I’m afraid our ways are about to part. I’ve been headhunted for a very senior job, so looks like this might be my last week here. If anyone from Sainsbury’s or Heidrick Ferry calls in the next hour when I’m in the budget meeting come and get me out.
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Anyone called?
From: Martin Lukes
To: SebastianFforbesHever@HeidrickFerry
Hi Sebastian
I don’t want to hassle you, but I just wondered if there was any news?
Bestest, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: SebastianFforbesHever@HeidrickFerry
I don’t understand. That wasn’t what you implied earlier. I thought the Sainsbury’s board loved me. Is this a joke, or what?
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
I don’t fucking believe it. They’ve gone and fucking given it to someone fucking else. Sebastian is a fucking lying sod. He said they LOVED my presentation – practically said the job was in the bag. And now he’s saying I didn’t have the right skillsets, fit not quite right blah, better qualified candidates… blah blah. I think the guy who got it is head of marketing at Tesco or Asda, so I suppose that means the idiots have gone for the safe candidate rather than the best candidate. I still just can’t fucking believe it. It’s so unfair.
My dream job.
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Wood
Sylvia I’m feeling very unwell. I think I’m coming down with the flu. I’m going home now.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Just to check – you haven’t told anyone about that job, have you? As it happens I’ve decided against.
Basically, I’ve always believed that work is all about the people. And although it was very flattering to be offered such a mega job at Sainsbury’s, at the end of the day, I didn’t want to work with them. Apart from anything else fun wasn’t part of their DNA at all. Feeling a bit rough this am. Hair of the dog later?
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX
Hi Pandora
I’m jotting down a few key facts re myself, so that we’ll be able to hit the ground running when we have our first CoachworX session on Wednesday.
But first I’m going to be upfront about the key learnings I want to take out from the coaching experience. For me, it’s about achieving peak performance. At the end of the day, it’s about winning. And that’s what I want to do – to win.
So, with that out of the way, who am I?
Basically, I’m a board director of A&B (UK). Our parent company is based in Atlanta – and I’m Director of Marketing here in London. It’s an exciting and challenging leadership role, and I feel I play a critical role in shaping the business going forward. I have always seen myself as a high-octane player. I’m very results driven, very can-do. However, over the last year I feel I have hit a plateau careerwise. Last month I was headhunted for the position of Marketing Director at Sainsbury’s. I was way out in front of the field in terms of skillsets, but at the end of the day they went for the safe choice – someone less talented but who had retail experience.
Frankly, following this set-back, I am faced with a choice. Do I hunker down here, or do I play the field? I’ve thought deeply about this and have decided to stay at A&B for now, as my values are well aligned with the company – and at 43 I feel I still have a huge amount to contribute.
You have probably read in the media about Barry Malone, our new CEO. He’s an incredibly energetic, charismatic guy – one of the most revered business leaders globally.
However under him the company is becoming more political, and personally, I think that’s a pity. Barry’s also very much into business jargon, it’s all a bit too ‘American’ for my taste. People who know me will tell you that I always call a spade a spade! I think you wanted to know a few key facts re my home life? I’ve been married for 17 years to Jenny and we have two smashing boys. Jake is 15, and Max is 12. Jake is highly creative, though has some issues around behaviour – which makes him typical for a youngster of his age. Max is a highflyer across the board – a chip off the old block, if you will. He’s doing Common Entrance this year – we’ve put him down for Eton, and according to his head teacher, he’s expected to walk it.
I’d say the marriage is definitely a happy one, albeit with the usual ups and downs. The only thing I’d flag up is that in the last couple of years Jens has been getting stressed about her career – she works part time for a pr agency. Frankly I sometimes wonder if there are time of life issues at play too – I mentioned it to her the other day, but she didn’t see the funny side! She’s a year older than me, but she takes good care of herself, and is still a perfect size 8!
Home is in Wimbledon in a six-bed villa we bought back in 1993 for £250,000, and has just been valued (conservatively for insurance purposes) at £1.9 mil.
You ask about my personal health and fitness, exercise regime, diet and alcohol levels. Basically I’m in reasonable health – if you push yourself as hard as I do, your immune system has to work 24/7! I try to get to the gym as often as possible – I’m in between personal trainers at the moment, but obviously would like to start again asap, time permitting. I’ve put on a bit of weight recently, and for Christmas Jens gave me Atkins Made Easy – The First Two Weeks. I’ve tried Atkins before but not stuck to it. This year it’s going to be different, and today is Day One!
Drink? I’m a great believer in the value of alcohol as a stress buster, but I don’t drink to excess. Probably in the region of 14–17 units a week, or thereabouts.
Smoking – no way. I’m very anti smoking. In fact this is something I’m totally passionate about. I’ve told both my boys that if they get to 18 without smoking I’ll give them both £1,000 cash in hand. At the end of the day, getting the incentive right is key. What do I get up to in my spare time? I don’t have any! Joking aside, I’d say it’s divided in three.
1. Golf – though I don’t get to play nearly as much as I’d like. Currently got a handicap of 14, which I’m not at all happy about.
2. My family. Of course they are mission critical in every sense of the word.
3. The culture scene. Theatre, opera, cinema, reading. Words mean a lot to me. I sometimes think I would have liked to be a writer, and have got lots of book ideas. But at the end of the day there are only so many hours available.
Hope that’s enough for now. I’m eagerly anticipating speaking with you on Monday at 3.30.
All my very bestest,
Martin Lukes
From: Pandora@CoachworX
To: Martin Lukes
Thank you for that Martin! It is always good to know as much about my clients as possible! We are embarking on an exciting life-changing journey together and I have the highest expectations of you. I’ll be your number one fan and I believe in your phenomenal potential to do, to have and to be whatever and whoever you want. Look forward to talking to you on Monday.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
WHERE THE HELL IS MY TIGER WOODS MUG? IT’S BLOODY TYPICAL – YOU GO ON HOLIDAY FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, AND COME BACK TO FIND SOMEONE HAS TAKEN YOUR SODDING MUG.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Hi Sylvia
False alarm – mug found. Happy New Year, hope you had a good one. Would appreciate if you could get my expenses done this am, as Christmas cost me an arm and a leg. There’s a pile of receipts on your desk – some of which are blank – please make sure the total comes out slightly higher than this time last year, though not out of the ball park.
Ta muchly, M
PS When you’ve got a mo, could you get me a latte and a bar of Green and Blacks white chocolate. Alas, no more almond croissants for me, as this is day two of Atkins!
From: Barry S. Malone, CEO
To: All Staff
Howdy!
First up, Happy New Year! This is a particularly joyous occasion as it is my first at the helm of this fine company.
New Year is a time for a new beginning, not just for us as individual leaders but for us together, as a global family
Over the festive holiday I met up with Chuck P. Stallone, the best coach basketball has ever seen. We got talking about what he had done to keep his team at the top for nearly two decades. Chuck said something to me that made a whole lot of sense. He said it wasn’t about getting to the top – but staying at the top. The name of his game is not ‘peak performance’, but Peak Performance – Permanently. And that is my dream for us. That we will peak perform not just this year, but every year going forward.
This is going to involve one of the greatest change programs this company has ever undertaken. We are going to transition hearts and minds into a whole new ball park. Step one is to rebrand our company. We will be looking for a new name and a new identity that will reflect our new PPP culture.
I want to share with you the image of stonemasons building a cathedral. Their task is no different to ours here at A&B. Why did they chisel that stone? Because their bodies and their souls bought into the idea.
I am asking you to be like the stonemasons. If you have faith in our great company, if you buy into the idea of PPP, we can build our cathedral together.
Have a joyful New Year. One of the things that makes me proudest about this company is you all. This company would not exist without the passion and the sweat of every one of you. So if any of you have any ideas, or feelings you would like to share, please email. Or just email to say HI! That sustains me.
I love you all
Barry
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham – how goes it? Our Christmas was a classic of peace and harmony. Jake got pissed on Christmas day and threw up on the in-laws’ new Axminster.
Have you read BM’s seasonal twaddle? I’m hacked off at this rebranding thing – I’ve been going on about rebranding for yonks, and how much credit do I get for this? Zero. Btw, can’t remember if I mentioned to you that I’ve signed up with a top life coach? I’ve got Pandora Barry – she was trained up by the guy who did Chelsea Clinton, Nelson Mandela and Bill Gates. First session this pm – watch this space!!
Mart
PS Fancy a drink later?
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Sylvia – what the hell is this budget meeting in my diary for 3 pm? I’ve blocked out that hour to talk to my coach on the phone. Email Roger I can’t come.
Can you get me two litres of mineral water and a latte?
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX
Hi Pandora!
Great to talk to you just now. I was impressed at how quickly you got my number – I can actually be quite awkward at times, and certainly don’t tolerate fools gladly – but when I click with someone then the sky’s the limit! I think we’re going to make an unbeatable team!
As we discussed, the top-of-the-range CoachworX Platinum Service would be most appropriate. As I understand it, you would be available on a 24/7 basis on the telephone and by email and face 2 face to coach me through ongoing issues as they surface, and would bill A&B @ £300 per hour.
I need to get our finance director Roger Wright to greenlight the expenditure, but I anticipate that as a formality.
All my very bestest,
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling – First coaching session was SENSATIONAL! Pandora clearly thinks I’m destined for the very top.
She’s a fascinating woman – used to be a ballet dancer but then had a breakdown and got ME and cancer – was given six months to live, but basically coached herself into remission.
She says I have this amazing power inside myself. I just have to learn how to unlock it! Only issue was that I ate four bourbon biscuits while talking to her – which was very bad news with the Atkins. Will tell all tonight.
Love you, M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Actually, darling, I think you’ve got it arse around tit. Coaches aren’t ‘untrained shrinks’ – they’re experts in lifting performance. Pandora says lots of the people she’s coached have increased their income ten times as a result of the programme!!! Do you have any IDEA what that would mean for you? You could chuck in your job and become a Lady Who Lunches! And we could have our garden relandscaped with the Chatsworth style water feature that you admired at Chelsea last year – only ours could be bigger.
See you 9ish –
Love M
PS Big juicy steak would be nice… quite fancy a slab of dolcelatte for afters and that lovely chocolate cake of Nigella’s that doesn’t have any flour in it…
From: Martin Lukes
To: Roger Wright
Hi Roger
Yesterday I had the first complimentary coaching session with Pandora Barry of CoachworX, and would like to proceed with the Platinum Executive Coaching Programme. I am attaching the fee schedule.
Bestest, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Roger Wright
Hi Roger
You ask: why do I need a coach? You’re probably thinking that as I’m highly successful already, I don’t need one. But look at it this way – Tiger Woods has a coach. Wayne Rooney has a coach. They don’t need a coach, but they have one because they feel more comfortable with the career success that a coach can provide. Even Pandora herself has a coach because she is committed to consistently beating her best, month by month.
I realize she charges a premium price, but in this business there is no point in having anything less than the best.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX
Hi Pandora
Some bad news, I’m afraid. I have been informed by Roger Wright, our autistic finance director that due to ongoing restrictions to our operating budget, he’s only prepared to greenlight the Bronze Programme, which I understand is coaching by monthly emails.
This is obviously a blow. And it’s bloody typical of this place, if you’ll excuse my French. Spends a fortune on moronic diversity training programmes, and then as soon as you suggest something good, there’s no money. Also typical of Roger – who thinks blue sky is what you can see on a sunny day.
Bestest, Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
One of the things I will teach you on this journey is that everything is possible. I’m going to teach you to say goodbye to negative feelings and get back to your childlike optimism. The Executive Bronze Life Coaching Program is going to help you get there!
Now a lesson for you. Where we at CoachworX differ from other coaches is that they teach you to be the very best you can be. We think you can go further. This program is about being better than your very best. I’d like you to meditate on that, and think of a quantifiable target that you think is achievable. We will then assess your progress against this target every month. I think it is fair to say that I have never had a coachee that did not finish the year ahead of their targets!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX
Hi Pandora
What you say makes a lot of sense to me – in the kind of hyper-competitive field I operate in, the best is an entry ticket, if you like. I’ve always said to the people who have worked under me: keep pushing the envelope until it falls off the table!
So, this is the goal I am signing up to.
By year end I will achieve performance levels that are 5 per cent better than the very best I can be.
Certainly this journey will take me way outside my comfort zone, but I’m ready for that.
Bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Wood
Hi Sylvia – when you’ve got a window can you make me a big laminated sign for my wall that says:
BY YEAR END I WILL ACHIEVE PERFORMANCE LEVELS THAT ARE 5 PER CENT BETTER THAN THE VERY BEST I CAN BE.
Also plse cancel Christo – I was meant to be having my first session mentoring him, but I’m too busy. See if you can diarize something for next week or the week after.
Ta muchly
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
You are starting to think big – but not BIG enough! I am going to help you make a quantum leap in your self-belief. I, your greatest fan, sincerely believe you can beat your best by 50 per cent by year end. What is stopping you?
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX
Hi Pandora
It’s energizing to realize how much you believe in me, but I wonder if your metrics are a bit high. Can we compromise and say that I’m going to aim to be 22.5 per cent better than the very best I can be? I think that’s probably scaleable!
22.5 per cent better than my bestest!
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
Hi Keith
I have just visited the staff canteen and found that there was not a single menu choice consistent with the Atkins diet.
Today there was toad in the hole, or mushroom risotto, or chicken pie. All of the above combine carbohydrates and protein.
Many of the more senior members of the staff follow Atkins and we should be encouraging them to use the canteen. It is only by the mingling of staff that knowledge is shared.
All my very bestest
Martin
From: Keith Buxton
To: All Staff
Dear all – I am delighted to inform you that Cindy Czarnikow, Global Head of Strategic Marketing, is to join us in London on a two-month assignment. Cindy will be spearheading Project Rebrand, a global drive to reinvigorate the A&B corporate personality. She will be working closely with Barry Malone and the top team in Atlanta, and I know you’ll give her every support in this exciting initiative.
Additionally, Martin Lukes has been tasked with leading a brainstorming group on how to improve the staff canteen. Any thoughts about delivering uplift to the current service should be addressed to him.
Keith
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Fucketyfuckingfuck. I didn’t opt for a high-flying career in order to discuss toad in the sodding hole.
What do you know about Cindy Czarnikow?? My sources in Atlanta say she’s shagged her way to the top – possibly having a scene with Barry Malone…
Drink later?
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling – fraid I won’t be back in time to talk to Jake about his behaviour tonight. Will send him a motivational email when I get a window.
Love you, M.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
Jake, old man. Sorry I didn’t touch base with you yesterday. I just wanted to reinforce the ground rules we agreed before Christmas. This term is make or break for your GCSEs but also for your future, and I’d like to share some advice with you. In this life, you get out what you put in – and you are not putting enough in.
Set yourself a stretch goal and then stick to it. I’m not asking you to be your best – think BIG Jake! Push the envelope! Be BETTER than your best! Agreed?
C u later!
Love Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
J – No I haven’t lost the plot, as you so charmingly put it. I was merely passing on to you some advice my coach has given me. I suppose it was asking too much to expect you to buy into the philosophy behind it.
Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Thanks for making me the poster – very nice. Unfortunately there’s been a slight change. Can you do it again, putting 22.5 per cent instead of the 5? Keep this one for yourself if you like.
Martin
PS I’ve got about 400 emails complaining about the canteen food. Can you reply to all, saying thanks for feedback, I’m looking into it.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
WHAT’S ALL THAT BANGING?? I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF THINK. PLSE CALL BUILDING SERVICES AND TELL THEM TO STOP IT.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham – Cindy’s taken the partition walls down and has commandeered twice as much space as my office. I’ve just sent Sylvia out to count the ceiling tiles. I’ve got 49 and she’s got 63!! She’s got no desk, just squashy sofas – perfect for her favourite pastime. Though, without walls she’s not going to be able to get up to much!
Have you clapped eyes on her yet? Check out the teeth and smile – she’s got the classic American look – a ton of make-up, perfect grooming, really skinny with a massive arse.
Not my scene at all.
Cheers, Mart
From: Cindy Czarnikow
To: All Staff
Hi everyone!
It’s phenomenally exciting to be with you here in London town! I am humbled to be heading up such an exciting project as Project Rebrand. We are taking the A&B footprint and we are going to re-dream it! Task One is to draw a road map. This is going to be an inclusive bottom-up rebrand, and I want to hear from you! I want each of you to come up with five unbeatable words that you think describe the A&B corporate DNA going forward! These will form the building blocks for the new identity.
Please email me, or come see me! I’m right by Martin Lukes’ office on the fifth floor. You’ll find it looks a bit different up here. I’ve taken down the walls, chucked out the desk, and put in two white leather couches! This is going to be a space where we can hit ideas around and make it happen!
I’m smiling at you
Cindy
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Hi Cindy
Welcome to London Town! I’m sure we are going to enjoy working together. A word of advice, if I might make so bold. While I, more than anyone, believe in open lines of communication, I find that at the end of the day one does need to get some work done. And for that I find that a door which closes and a desk have their uses!
As I’m sure you appreciate, I am presently snowed under with work. However, I will do some blue sky thinking on the five traits as soon as I’ve got a window.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Graham – Five traits of a certain person: Dumb. Big bum. Phony. Devious. Dangerous.
I’m leering at you!
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Hi Cindy – I think I may have sent you something in error. It was meant for Graham… Plse ignore. Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Fucketyfucketyfucketyfuckingfuck. Just done something that would be funny if it weren’t so awful. Will fill you in over a large one… M
From: Pandora@CoachworX
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
I just wanted to check that you are doing what we agreed.
Keeping it professional.
Staying proactive. Thinking positive.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX
Just seen your message. Yes, I was doing really well until this morning. Unfortunately I now seem to have got into a spot of hot water due to a technical problem. I sent a message to Graham Wallace, who’s my opposite number in sales. I can have a good laugh with him – he’s no rocket scientist but after a jar or two he’s a lot of fun. Basically, I sent him an email which I believe may have been read and misinterpreted by Cindy Czarnikow, a seriously humourless colleague from the US of A.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Can you check and see if Cindy’s on her sofa – I need to pop out for a second, and would rather not bump into her just now.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Hi Jens – Just seen your message re Jake’s phone bill. How the bloody hell did the little bugger manage to run up £495 in three months????
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Morning Sylvia! Why does Keith want to see me urgently? Any idea what it’s about? Large latte would be nice. M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham
Just had the biggest bollocking of my life from Keith. Now I’ve got to grovel to Cindy, and Faith is threatening me with a gender awareness course called Sex@Work which sounds rather fun, though have a very nasty feeling it’s going to be anything but.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Hi Cindy –
First let me apologize for any embarrassment I might have caused you by my misdirected email, which was far more innocent than it may have seemed!
I realize there are large cultural differences between us people on either side of the pond, and we all need to be congnizant of these 24/7!!
I also wanted to point out that you seem to have got the wrong end of the stick re myself having issues around women. In fact I’m one of their keenest champions, as any of the girls here will tell you. Far from trying to undermine you, I have actively supported your Rebrand work, and it goes without saying, I think you’re doing a terrific job.
Would be delighted to give you any advice going forward, on matters marketing or otherwise. You suggest a breakfast – I can do next Tuesday, though could we make it 8 am rather than 6.30?
All my bestest, Martin
From: Cindy Czarnikow
To: All Staff
Hi everyone!
Project Rebrand is a total blast! First up, the personality trait that most of you mentioned as being associated with the new brand was joy! Our new corporate personality is going to be like a joyful smile! The smile is the strongest form of human communication we have, and we are going to harness its power!
I am also phenomenally excited to say that we have hired Beyond the Box presently which has a team of 12 rebranding consultants dedicated to our assignment, and have come up with in excess of 1,000 corporate names. They are assisting our search to find a new name that will create brand empathy and position us as a company that peak performs – permanently!
I’m smiling at you,
Cindy
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
Jake – I’ve just seen the itemized bill for your mobile. Your mother is on a total bender.
EXPLANATION PLEASE.
Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham – You are bloody lucky that you’ve got daughters. Jake seems to have been doing phone sex on his mobile. When we were his age Penthouse was good enough for us.
Drink? I need a large one.
Mart
Text message to Jenny. Sent 18:43
What do u mean, where am I?? Am having ν quick drink w Graham, and then on my way home pronto. Is that a prob? M x
Text message to Jenny. Sent 18:46
How was I supposed to know that? It wasn’t in my diary. M x
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Wood
WHY WASN’T MY SON’S SCHOOL PLAY IN MY DIARY??? I was meant to be there this evening seeing him star in Romeo and Juliet, and am now in a lot of trouble with the lady wife. I gave you a list with all his school fixtures on it. What did you do with it? Frankly it isn’t good enough.
Martin
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Pandora@CoachworX
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
One of the most important things I am going to teach you on this course is how to turn your stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
I will show you how to stop thinking about obstacles and problems, and start seeing them as opportunities to improve yourself. Let’s start today. Tell me about a stumbling block, and I’11 show you how to transform it!
Strive and Thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX
Hi Pandora
Frankly, it’s occurred to me that one of my biggest stumbling blocks may be my PA Sylvia. She’s been with me for two years, but simply doesn’t see the point of going the extra mile. Instead she loses things, has cocked up my diary arrangements and had the nerve to say that I never gave her the dates. I’ve given her a bit of a pep talk, but no effect.
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
You are a great leader. Great leaders have great followers, and it may be that Sylvia isn’t a great follower. But you need to ask yourself: Is she ready to change? Is she ready to get rid of her limiting beliefs? You need to take the time and work through these issues with her.
Strive and Thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Hi Sylvia
I’ve been mulling over what happened on Friday and I suggest we turn it into a stepping stone. I believe that you need to ask yourself some pretty big questions: Do I want to change? Am I ready to get rid of my limiting beliefs? Shall we discuss over breakfast tomorrow?
Martin
From: Zach Smart at Beyond the Box
To: Everyone@A&B.com
Hi!
Let me introduce myself. I’m Zach from Beyond the Box and I, co-jointly with my partners, have been working on the rebranding of A&B.
At Beyond the Box we have no hierarchies and we believe all partners are equally valid. It is not our mindset to think in terms of leaders, but if you do need to talk to someone in authority, then I’m a good place to start. Thanks to the unique flexibility of our structure we have been able to road-test literally thousands of names in record time and have come up with four uniquely exciting possibilities for a rejuvenated A&B.
a and b This represents a path-breaking image revitalization. It retains the best of the tradition but by using lower case lettering has also taken on much of the energy and buzz of the new economy. Replacing & with ‘and’ lends an honesty and freshness that is closely aligned with A&B’s personality.
qwerky! This is exhilarating, modern, and shows the company to be proactive, zany, and above all youthful. However it does represent something of a break with the past, which may take some of you out of your personal comfort zone.
abba This highly innovative name was arrived at by taking the two initials of A and Β and then repeating them backwards. It proves conclusively that A&B are lateral thinkers who will go to any lengths to deliver value to their entire community of stakeholders.
<Wednesday> Neither the start of the week, nor the end, the name embodies the best of all worlds. It is a mixture between work and home, in the thick of things. The Chevrons at either end enhance its inclusiveness.
Please email either Cindy or me, and tell us what you think of these sensational names!
Zach Smart
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Cindy –
There’s no contest is there? The clear winner among the names they suggest is <Wednesday> – the others are frankly disappointing. <Wednesday> is just what were’re looking for – it’s got integrity, buy-in, universal appeal while being a bit unexpected.
Do you want me to lobby for it?
Best, Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
Good to talk to you just now. Can I recap? You must focus, focus, focus on your self-belief Martin. You must love yourself, because if you don’t, no one else will. If you have a good idea, market it! If you don’t like the way the rebrand project is going, step in! Shape it! You have great talents, Martin! Show them to the world!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
What did you want to see me about? Can’t it wait? I’m writing what is arguably the most important email of my life.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry S. Malone
Hi Barry
Let me introduce myself. I’m Martin Lukes and I’m Marketing Director in London. I just wanted to touch base, first of all to say hi, and also to say how very inspirational I find our new PPP culture. It has always struck me that what matters is winning – not just now but going forward. You may be interested to know that I am actually going through something similar with my coach on an individual level. The best, I passionately believe is only an entry ticket!
I also wanted to say that a body of support is building in London behind <Wednesday>. I feel that this name alone conveys how seriously committed we are to a peak performance as a journey that has started, but not yet finished! From a marketing standpoint, <Wednesday> will secure buy-in from all our stakeholders. The chevron signs will keep our customers coming back to the brand forever!
All my very bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
You want to QUIT? But you can’t when there’s so much on! I’ll get you a pay rise.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Faith Preston
Faith,
Sylvia’s threatening to resign, which is obviously highly inconvenient. I think she’s on 20k – can you up it to 20.5k effective at once?
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Faith Preston
I see. So what did she say about me? Sylvia and I had our differences at first but recently we’ve had an excellent working relationship. And I’m always very appreciative whenever she makes a special effort – which, to be perfectly honest, doesn’t happen every day. I’ve already given her a massive coaching pep talk. Maybe a box of chocs would do the trick.
All my very bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Phyllis Lukes
Dear Mum
Many thanks for your message which I got yesterday – in fact I got six of them!! You only need to press the send button once! Still, not to worry, we’ll make a silver surfer of you yet! How are you? Have you been getting out in this cold weather at all?
Boys are both really well. Max was brilliant as Juliet in the school play – looked quite convincing as a girl! Jake beavering away at his GCSEs. Otherwise not much is happening on the family front, Jens is a bit tired and hacked off with her job – but has decided to re-do the kitchen (again!). She’s fed up with the stainless steel and we’re getting something more authentic. But for now it means total chaos chez nous!
Mum, I wanted to iron out a little misunderstanding we had on the phone last week. When I told you about my coach, you seemed to think I was off somewhere! I didn’t mean that sort of coach – a coach is someone who helps people like your loving son become more successful. I know you think I’m already the most successful man on earth, mummy, but according to Pandora – she’s my coach – I could climb a lot higher!
Fraid we’re not going to be able to get up to see you at the weekend. Hope you don’t mind. I’ve been invited to play golf at Wentworth, which is too good to turn down!
Sorry to hear that the shelves I put up last time have come down. As I said to you at the time, you didn’t have the right rawl plugs, and that wall isn’t really suitable. I’ll sort something next time I come.
Your loving son
Martie
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry S. Malone
Hi Barry
On reflection, I must say I empathize with your reservations about <Wednesday>. I too feel that its chief weakness as a new identity for us is that it is totally irrelevant to our history, culture and product.
I also strongly agree that the list from Beyond the Box has been very disappointing, and would be the first to support your idea of proceeding via an internal naming competition. I have every confidence that inside this organization we have the energy and the brilliant minds to unlock solutions ourselves.
All my very bestest,
Martin
From: Cindy Czarnikow
To: All Staff
Hi everyone!
I am phenomenally excited to announce that today we are inviting all of you, the people of our global family to choose A&B’s new name via an online jamming session, led by Christo Weinberg, our brilliant UK brand ambassador. This is going to be a high-engagement, high-energy, all-employee process. We have chosen a competition because we want to make sure our new name is not just best of breed but uniquely fits our culture.
Does this mean that the work with Beyond the Box has been wasted? Far from it. We have extracted some key learnings from the process, but now feel it is time to move on.
Some co-colleagues have asked me what the winning name will be like? That’s up to you!! But I hope it will be global, pro-active, hyper-creative and caring.
There are some phenomenally exciting prizes including a workshop in circus skills, and a free feng shui makeover of your master bedroom.
I’m smiling at you
Cindy
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Cindy – Can I just correct something in your message? Christo is not our brand ambassador. As director of marketing that role falls to me. As you know, from a hierarchical point of view, I don’t mind about these things – I only mention it because it is best to avoid confusion where possible. I’ve been mentoring Christo since the beginning of the year, and would be delighted to help keep him on track with this new assignment!
All my very bestest
Martin
From: Christo Weinberg
To: All Staff
Hi!
There are unbelievable riffs coming out of this process! I’m forwarding to you some of the online jamming session. Really mellow! Keep it coming!
I’d like to kick things off by suggesting ‘a and b global’. It is a win-win name. Modern, traditional and global… (Keith Buxton, UK chairman)
Sounds fab to me! It’s really can-do. (Suzanna Elliott, Marketing Manager)
I’m comfortable with it. It clears my two hurdles – it underlines our commitment to diversity, and is passionately caring. (Faith Preston, Director for People)
Re: a and b global it takes a long time to say (5 syllables), it involves too many key strokes. (Roger Wright, Finance Director)
How’s about ‘a.b global’? It’s funkier than Keith’s suggestion and shorter, authoritative, and has instant impact. (Christo Weinberg, Marketing Manager)
Thank you Christo! I buy into that! That sure has made my pulse race. (Cindy Czarnikow, Leader of Rebrand)
Fine by me. Shorter is better. (Keith Buxton)