Praise for Sue Townsend and Adrian Mole:
‘One of literature’s most endearing figures. He is an excellent guide for all of us as we wander through the cappuccino years’ Observer
‘Mole has entered his kingdom… he presents a quizzical, innocent, frustrated perspective on the unlovely face of cool Britannia… Townsend manages it by dint of superb jokes and an underlying political and social seriousness as she skitters brilliantly over the surface of contemporary life’ Sunday Times
‘Adrian Mole really is a brilliant comic creation… every sentence is witty and well thought out, and the whole has reverberations beyond itself’ The Times
‘He will be remembered some day as one of England’s great diarists. No matter what your troubles may be, Adrian Mole is sure to make you feel better off’ Evening Standard
‘Adrian Mole’s maladjustments, his obsession with the female anatomy, his awful parents and ludicrous novel inspire some wonderfully funny passages. As a twit he stands alone. While Adrian Mole lives visions of a classless society in this country are a chimera’ Daily Telegraph
‘Back with a bang… Townsend’s wit is razor-sharp… The Cappuccino Years is quite possibly a classic’ Mirror
‘Thank heavens for Sue Townsend. With the Mole books, she has an unrivalled claim to be this country’s foremost practising comic novelist’ Mail on Sunday
‘Adrian Mole has progressed from being a minority enthusiasm to something like a national figurehead… Sue Townsend has done more than write a comic series descended from Just William. She has held a mirror up to the nation and made us happy to laugh at what we see in it’ Sunday Telegraph
About the Author
List of Principal Characters
Dean Street, Soho
Wisteria Walk, Ashby-de-la-Zouch
Rampart Terrace, Leicestershire
Follow Penguin
UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia
India | New Zealand | South Africa
Penguin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
First published by Michael Joseph 1999
Published in Penguin Books 2000
Copyright © Sue Townsend, 1999
All rights reserved
The moral right of the author has been asserted
Cover illustration by Alice Tait
ISBN: 978-0-141-92547-9
To Louise
ABBO and ALAN: Representatives of the Ashby-de-la-Zouch branch of the Terrence Higgins Trust, selected to walk in the procession behind Diana’s coffin.
ANDREW: Archie Tait’s cat.
ANNETTE: Standard vendor on the Strand, enjoying carnal relations with Malcolm, the washer-upper at Hoi Polloi, the restaurant where Adrian works.
ASHBY: Rosie Mole’s plastic role-play baby.
ATKINS, JEFFREY: Adrian’s second-opinion dentist. A gentle man with ginger eyebrows.
AZIZ: Assistant cook at Hoi Polloi.
BANKS, LES: Unlucky builder engaged by Adrian to do work to Archie Tait’s house.
BAXTER, BERT: Deceased acquaintance of Adrian, Communist pensioner and Leicester’s oldest and most objectionable man. Died one day short of his 106th birthday.
BELINDA: Zippo Montefiori’s PA.
BOTT, GLENN: Son of Sharon Bott. Could have been fathered by either Barry Kent or Adrian Mole. According to Rosie Mole, he is a psycho, but has Adrian’s nose.
BOTT, SHARON: Old flame of Adrian’s. Mother of Glenn Bott. Also mother of Kent, Bradford and Caister.
BRAITHWAITE, IVAN: Father of Pandora. Supposedly a freelance dairy management consultant and freethinker.
BRAITHWAITE, DR PANDORA: Prospective Labour MP for Ashby-de-la-Zouch. Self-appointed ‘Brightest Star in Blair’s Firmament’ and ‘The People’s Pan’. First love of Adrian Mole, who was the first person to insert his hand (left) into her white cotton training bra, in 1981.
BRAITHWAITE, TANIA: Mother of Pandora. Teaches Women’s Studies at De Montfort University.
BROADWAY, BILL: Les Banks’s subcontractor.
CAINE, ALFIE: Fake Cockney and presenter of The Fry-Up, a Pie Crust Production.
CATH: Production assistant on Offally Good!, another Pie Crust production.
CAVENDISH, JACK: Pandora’s older live-in lover. Alcoholic and Professor of Languages at Oxford.
CHANG, MR: Dentist who no longer caters for the poor because ‘they bring tooth decay on themselves’.
CLEVER CLIVE: Criminal acquaintance of Adrian’s, can supply parking permits for central London.
CLOUGH, MS: Labour supporter and single mother of three.
DALE, LILLIAN: Green Party candidate for Ashby-de-la-Zouch.
D’ARCY, MABEL: OAP supporter of Sir Arnold Tufton. Great-great-grandfather was a surviving officer on the Titanic.
DOUGGIE: Sharon Bott’s live-in lover.
DOVECOTE, CHARLIE: Pauline Mole’s lawyer.
EAGLEBURGER, BRICK: Barry Kent’s literary agent.
EDDIE STOBART: A lorry firm. Some of their drivers wave, some don’t.
ELF, MISS: Adrian and Pandora’s timid but ethical drama teacher at Neil Armstrong Comprehensive.
FLOOD, ELEANOR: Remedial reading teacher at Neil Armstrong Comprehensive, with fragile wrists.
FONG, DR: Doctor at Leicester Royal Infirmary who examines William Mole.
FOX, LEN: Criminal. Mobile-phone magnate and friend of Sir Arnold Tufton.
GIPTON, FRED: Actor with inside knowledge of general-election results.
GOLDMAN, later GOLDPERSON, BOSTON: Personal assistant to Brick Eagleburger.
GRIMBOLD, MARCIA: Bring Back the Rates Party candidate.
HETHERINGTON, GLORIA: Godfrey’s wife. Ideal casting: Pauline Quirke.
HETHERINGTON, GODFREY: Hero of The White Van, Adrian’s hilarious serial-killer comedy. Accountant by day, serial killer by night. Ideally would be played by Harry Enfield.
HUMFRI: Cat adopted by Malcolm. Looks remarkably like Humphrey, the Downing Street cat.
JIMMY THE GREEK: Owner of Greek taverna next door to Hoi Polloi.
JUSTINE: Lap-dancer at Secrets club.
KENNETH: Waiter at Hoi Polloi.
KENT, BARRY: Ex-skinhead and local thug, now prize-winning poet and novelist. Author of poem ‘Naked’ and the modern classic Dork’s Diary.
KENT, EDNA: Barry Kent’s mum. Toilet cleaner, later double degree-taker and Pandora’s secretary at the House of Commons.
KEVIN: Unhelpful sales personage at Hamleys.
LARGE ALAN: Owner of Secrets, as well as The 165, a fashionable new drinking den.
LEAF, SANDRA: Square-jawed security guard with Citadel Security Ltd, who invokes Pauline Mole’s wrath and threats of legal action by giving her a random body search on election night.
Lo! The Flat Hills of My Homeland: Adrian’s novel, later rechristened Birdwatching, for which he is still, incredibly, searching for a publisher.
LUCY: Staff nurse at Leicester Royal Infirmary and single parent.
LUIGI: Maître d’ of Hoi Polloi. An Italian Communist who votes Lib Dem and lives in Croydon.
LUPIN, SKY: Adrian’s stress counsellor.
MALCOLM: Washer-upper at Hoi Polloi. Voting position undecided.
MARILYN: A kamikaze bank official.
MICHELWAITE, AARON: Well-spoken but hideous youth whose company Rosie Mole enjoys.
MOLE, GEORGE: Adrian’s father. Unemployed and suffering from erectile dysfunction.
MOLE, JO JO: Adrian’s wife, from whom he is separated. Has moved back to Nigeria. Mother of William. Has beauty, brains, money and talent, and frankly was out of Adrian’s league, as well as being four inches taller than him.
MOLE, PAULINE: Adrian’s mother. Unsatisfied, unfulfilled Germaine Greer fan.
MOLE, ROSIE: Adrian’s sister. Foul-mouthed fifteen-year-old vamp.
MOLE, SUSAN: Adrian’s aunt and Prison Officer of the Year 1997. ‘Married’ to Amanda.
MOLE, WILLIAM: Adrian’s small son. Fascinated by Teletubbies and Jeremy Clarkson videos.
MONTEFIORI, ZIPPO: Managing director of Pie Crust Productions, makers of Offally Good! and The Fry-Up.
MUTTON, KEITH: Monster Raving Loony Party candidate.
NEIL ARMSTRONG COMPREHENSIVE: Alma mater of Adrian, Pandora, Nigel and Barry Kent.
NG, DR: Adrian’s doctor. Prescribed Prozac for him.
NIGEL: Adrian’s best friend from school. Now a gay Buddhist van-driver for Next clothing store.
NOBBY: Labourer for Les Banks.
NORBERT: Nigel’s boyfriend.
O’CASEY, LIAM: Student. Archie Tait’s neighbour.
PANKHURST, MIRANDA: Sharon Bott’s solicitor.
PARVEZ, MRS: Liberal councillor; owner of Kidsplay Ltd, William Mole’s private nursery school.
PATIENCE, ROGER: New headmaster of Neil Armstrong Comprehensive.
PEACOCK, IDA: OAP Liberal Democrat supporter. Believes Tony Blair is going to give her new hips.
PERKINS, BOB: Owner of eponymous garden centre.
PURBRIGHT, LENNIE: Pandora’s election agent. Cockney, formerly a whelk-stall owner.
RAJIT: BP service-station worker.
ROD: Owner of the Hot Rods shop in Soho, opposite Hoi Polloi.
SASHA: Assistant cook at Hoi Polloi.
SAVAGE, PETER: Foul-mouthed, aristocratic owner of Hoi Polloi. Believes in a ‘Traditional English, No Choice’ menu. Suffers from stress incontinence. Hates Tony Blair and New Labour.
SAVAGE, KIM: Savage’s ex-wife and ex-society florist.
SEAN: Waiter at Hoi Polloi.
SCRUTON, MR: a.k.a Pop-Eye Scruton. Former headmaster of Neil Armstrong Comprehensive and rabid Mrs Thatcher devotee.
SINGH, DEV: Double-entendre-loving co-presenter of Offally Good!.
SPICER-WOODS, CHRISTINE: Socialist Lesbians Against Globalization Party candidate.
STOAT, ARTHUR: Editor and managing director of Stoat Books Ltd, wants to produce Offally Good! – The Book.
SURINDER, DR: Doctor at Leicester Royal Infirmary who examines William.
SWAYWARD, JUSTIN: Shoe Mania! employee and court representative.
TAIT, ARCHIE: OAP Socialist Labour Party voter.
TRELLIS, MISS: Glenn Bott’s maths teacher.
TUFTON, SIR ARNOLD: Conservative MP for Ashby-de-la-Zouch and Pandora’s rival in the general election.
TWYSTLETON-FIFE, JULIAN: Pandora’s gay ex-husband.
VALENTINE DUFF, RON: Repatriate Foreigners Party candidate.
VLJKJKJV, JAJKJ: Belgrade translator interested in Birdwatching.
WELLINGBOROUGH, MRS: Mr Chang’s receptionist.
WONKY, DAVE: Zouch FM DJ.
WORTHINGTON, HARRY: OAP Labour supporter.
ZO: Hair- and make-up artist for Pie Crust Productions.
The great baby you see there is not yet out of his swaddling-clouts.
Shakespeare, Hamlet
True, we might never have arrived, but the fact is we did. If only people thought a little more about it, they would see that life is not worth worrying about so much.
Lermontov, A Hero of Our Time