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‘The Palace at 4 A.M.’, ‘Chablis’ and ‘Some of Us Had Been Threatening Our Friend Colby’ selected from Sixty Stories, published in Penguin Classics 2003
‘The Glass Mountain’, ‘I Bought a Little City’, ‘The School’, ‘Margins’, ‘Game’ and ‘The Balloon’ selected from Forty Stories, published in Penguin Classics 2005
This edition published in Penguin Classics 2011
The author’s estate is grateful to Little, Brown and Company for permission to reprint the story ‘Margins’ from Come Back, Dr. Caligari and to Farrar, Straus & Giroux, Inc. for permission to reprint the stories ‘The Balloon’ and ‘Game’ from Unspeakable Practices, Unnatural Acts; ‘The Glass Mountain’ from City Life; and ‘I Bought a Little City’ and ‘The School’ from Amateurs.
Copyright © Donald Barthelme, 1981, 1982, 1987
All rights reserved
Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
ISBN: 978-0-14-197116-2
Some of Us Had Been Threatening Our Friend Colby
The Glass Mountain
I Bought a Little City
The Palace at Four A.M.
Chablis
The School
Margins
Game
The Balloon
DONALD BARTHELME
Born 7 April 1931, Philadelphia, USA
Died 23 July 1989, Houston, USA
‘Chablis’ first appeared in The New Yorker. ‘Margins’ first appeared in Come Back, Dr. Caligari. ‘The Balloon’ and ‘Game’ first appeared in Unspeakable Practices, Unnatural Acts. ‘The Glass Mountain’ first appeared in City Life and ‘I Bought a Little City’ and ‘The School’ first appeared in Amateurs.
ALSO PUBLISHED BY PENGUIN BOOKS
Forty Stories • Sixty Stories
‘I said that although hanging Colby was almost certainly against the law, we had a perfect moral right to do so because he was our friend, belonged to us in various important senses, and he had after all gone too far’
Some of us had been threatening our friend Colby for a long time, because of the way he had been behaving. And now he’d gone too far, so we decided to hang him. Colby argued that just because he had gone too far (he did not deny that he had gone too far) did not mean that he should be subjected to hanging. Going too far, he said, was something everybody did sometimes. We didn’t pay much attention to this argument. We asked him what sort of music he would like played at the hanging. He said he’d think about it but it would take him a while to decide. I pointed out that we’d have to know soon, because Howard, who is a conductor, would have to hire and rehearse the musicians and he couldn’t begin until he knew what the music was going to be. Colby said he’d always been fond of Ives’s Fourth Symphony. Howard said that this was a ‘delaying tactic’ and that everybody knew that the Ives was almost impossible to perform and would involve weeks of rehearsal, and that the size of the orchestra and chorus would put us way over the music budget. ‘Be reasonable,’ he said to Colby. Colby said he’d try to think of something a little less exacting.
Hugh was worried about the wording of the invitations. What if one of them fell into the hands of the authorities? Hanging Colby was doubtless against the law, and if the authorities learned in advance what the plan was they would very likely come in and try to mess everything up. I said that although hanging Colby was almost certainly against the law, we had a perfect moral right to do so because he was our friend, belonged to us in various important senses, and he had after all gone too far. We agreed that the invitations would be worded in such a way that the person invited could not know for sure what he was being invited to. We decided to refer to the event as ‘An Event Involving Mr Colby Williams.’ A handsome script was selected from a catalogue and we picked a cream-colored paper. Magnus said he’d see to having the invitations printed, and wondered whether we should serve drinks. Colby said he thought drinks would be nice but was worried about the expense. We told him kindly that the expense didn’t matter, that we were after all his dear friends and if a group of his dear friends couldn’t get together and do the thing with a little bit of éclat, why, what was the world coming to? Colby asked if he would be able to have drinks, too, before the event. We said, ‘Certainly.’
The next item of business was the gibbet. None of us knew too much about gibbet design, but Tomás, who is an architect, said he’d look it up in old books and draw the plans. The important thing, as far as he recollected, was that the trapdoor function perfectly. He said that just roughly, counting labor and materials, it shouldn’t run us more than four hundred dollars. ‘Good God!’ Howard said. He said what was Tomás figuring on, rosewood? No, just a good grade of pine, Tomás said. Victor asked if unpainted pine wouldn’t look kind of ‘raw,’ and Tomás replied that he thought it could be stained a dark walnut without too much trouble.
I said that although I thought the whole thing ought to be done really well and all, I also thought four hundred dollars for a gibbet, on top of the expense for the drinks, invitations, musicians, and everything, was a bit steep, and why didn’t we just use a tree – a nice-looking oak, or something? I pointed out that since it was going to be a June hanging the trees would be in glorious leaf and that not only would a tree add a kind of ‘natural’ feeling but it was also strictly traditional, especially in the West. Tomás, who had been sketching gibbets on the backs of envelopes, reminded us that an outdoor hanging always had to contend with the threat of rain. Victor said he liked the idea of doing it outdoors, possibly on the bank of a river, but noted that we would have to hold it some distance from the city, which presented the problem of getting the guests, musicians, etc., to the site and then back to town.
At this point everybody looked at Harry, who runs a car-and-truck-rental business. Harry said he thought he could round up enough limousines to take care of that end but that the drivers would have to be paid. The drivers, he pointed out, wouldn’t be friends of Colby’s and couldn’t be expected to donate their services, any more than the bartender or the musicians. He said that he had about ten limousines, which he used mostly for funerals, and that he could probably obtain another dozen by calling around to friends of his in the trade. He said also that if we did it outside, in the open air, we’d better figure on a tent or awning of some kind to cover at least the principals and the orchestra, because if the hanging was being rained on he thought it would look kind of dismal. As between gibbet and tree, he said, he had no particular preferences and he really thought that the choice ought to be left up to Colby, since it was his hanging. Colby said that everybody went too far, sometimes, and weren’t we being a little Draconian? Howard said rather sharply that all that had already been discussed, and which did he want, gibbet or tree? Colby asked if he could have a firing squad. No, Howard said, he could not. Howard said a firing squad would just be an ego trip for Colby, the blindfold and last-cigarette bit, and that Colby was in enough hot water already without trying to ‘upstage’ everyone with unnecessary theatrics. Colby said he was sorry, he hadn’t meant it that way, he’d take the tree. Tomás crumpled up the gibbet sketches he’d been making, in disgust.