Some other books by John Byrne
THE ULTIMATE JOKE HANDBOOK
CRAZY CLASSROOM JOKE BOOK
WACKY WIZARD’S HANDBOOK
Cartoonist and comedy writer John Byrne is only scared of one thing… his editor, which is why his Puffin joke books aren’t just the world’s scariest but, they are also the world’s BEST. He’s also got the world’s scariest readers (but if you’ve looked in the mirror you already know that).
PUFFIN BOOKS
For Ekua – thanks for making
the world a lot less scary
PUFFIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Putnam Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Books Australia Ltd, 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia
Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2
Penguin Books India (P) Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi – 110 017, India
Penguin Books (NZ) Ltd, Cnr Rosedale and Airborne Roads, Albany, Auckland, New Zealand
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank 2196, South Africa
Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
www.penguin.com
First published 2001
6
Text and illustrations copyright © John Byrne, 2001
All rights reserved
The moral right of the author/illustrator has been asserted
Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN: 978-0-14-195698-5
Quick! Bolt the doors! Lock the windows! Things are about to get VERY scary.
(Especially if you forgot to go INSIDE the house before you did all that locking and bolting.)
The book you’re about to read contains the very scariest and silliest jokes the world has ever seen, not to mention some pretty creepy cartoons to go with them.
Of course, for best results, you should look at this book at dead of night with the lights down low. Then you’ll really get a sense of the dark and mysterious.
Mind you, that will be mostly because you won’t be able to see the pages.
* Nervous that John Byrne might come up with another joke book as stupid as this one.
What’s very small, has lots of legs, and lives in a haunted house?
An eerie-wig.
What’s the scariest kind of ant?
A Gi-ant.
What did the witch say to her pet frog?
‘You look familiar.’
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What do you find in monster bird cages? Budgerigar-goyles. |
Where does Quasimodo keep his pet rabbits? In a hutch, back of Nôtre Dame. |
What’s scary, hairy and wears its knickers on its head?
The UnderWere-wolf.
What happened to the giant gorilla after he ate two thousand bananas?
He got kong-stipated.
What do vampires keep on top of their TVs?
Ghoul-fish bowls.
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What do you call a ghost with a hole in its middle? A Polo-tergeist. |
How do vampires play football at night? They use bloodlighting. |
Why was Dracula’s bedroom full of bats?
He’d left the landing light on.
Have you heard about the monster who worked at a 24-hour garage?
He was a thing that went ‘pump!’ in the night.
Why did the ghost put a bat in his dad’s bed?
He couldn’t find a frog.
How do werewolves know there’s going to be a full moon?
They listen to the weather fur-cast.
Why did Dr Frankenstein sew lots of animals together?
It was his pet project.
What do you call a ghost at the South Pole?
A Polar Boo-er.
Have you heard the one about the haunted soft drink?
It makes your blood run cola.
What is a vampire’s favourite drink?
Bite-r lemon.
What’s written on Mr and Mrs Vampire’s bath towels?
‘His’ and ‘Hearse’.
Why did the monster try to frighten cows?
He liked milkshakes.
Why was the vampire always tired?
He didn’t take his bite-a-mins.
Which skeleton shouts ‘Hi Ho, Silver!’
The Bone Ranger.
What’s big, grey and transparent?
An ele-phantom.
What’s a good name for an ele-phantom?
Dum-boo.
Tired of birdwatching? Here’s a much more interesting hobby – spook-spotting. To get you started, here’s a handy guide to finding out what these creepy characters did in their previous lives.
SCHOOL-TEACHER’S GHOST
PAPER-SELLER’S GHOST
FISHERMAN’S GHOST
ELEPHANT TRAINER’S GHOST
TV COMMERCIAL DIRECTOR’S GHOST
BLUE PETER PRESENTER’S GHOST
MAGICIAN’S GHOST
CINEMA MANAGER’S GHOST
1. When you hear strange noises in the night, do you…
a) Pull the covers over your head?
b) Go and investigate?
c) Wish you hadn’t had quite so many baked beans for tea?
2. When there’s a scary programme on TV, do you…
a) Hide your face behind your hands?
b) Hide yourself behind the sofa?
c) These days, there are so many scary programmes, you’ve hidden the TV behind the sofa?
3. What are you most scared of?
a) Spiders
b) Ghosts