What If

Prologue

‘Why the hell are we here, Cal?’ Rae asks as she hands me a beer. ‘I didn’t like these people when we were in high school. And I still don’t. Nothing’s changed.’

But something has changed.

I sit on the tailgate of my truck, taking a few gulps, and casually scan the crowd, clustered in the predictable groups they were in when we graduated last year: the athletes, the dramatics, the tokers and, of course, the elites.

They’re why I’m here. Sort of.

‘I’m giving this one hour, and then we’re out of here,’ Rae declares, taking a sip of her beer. She slowly lowers her cup, staring across the field. ‘Holy shit. Is Heather Townsend walking over here?’

I look up just as Heather appears in front of me, twisting a strand of blond hair around her finger.

‘Hi, Cal. I’m glad you showed up,’ she says, wearing a flirtatious smile.

‘Hey,’ I respond. She takes a step closer, moving between my dangling legs.

‘Partying in the woods is so … high school.’ She exhales dramatically. ‘I mean, you’d think we would’ve grown up a little since we left for college.’

‘Yeah, but we still have parents who won’t willingly let us drink and trash their houses,’ I note. She laughs like I said the funniest thing she’s ever heard.

Rae groans. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’

Heather leans in so I can feel her breath on my mouth, ‘I think we’re going to have a fun summer together.’

I swallow, unable to back away any farther without lying down.

‘I’m only here for the week,’ I tell her. Her lower lip juts out in a sulk. Not attractive.

‘Where are you going?’ she asks, setting a hand on my knee. My entire body tenses.

‘Oregon. I’m working for my uncle for the summer.’

‘But you just got here, like … today.’

I hear Rae grumble something under her breath.

‘Sorry,’ I say with a shrug. ‘So, umm. Where is everyone? I don’t see Nicole with you guys.’

Heather steps back with a roll of her eyes, crossing her arms. I’ve struck a nerve.

‘I don’t know. I guess she thinks she’s better than us now that she’s at Harvard.’

I pry a little more. ‘Have you heard from her since graduation?’ I can feel Rae staring at me.

‘Not even a stupid text. I mean, we were her best friends for like … ever. And nothing. Bitch.’

My eyes widen at her hostility.

‘Heather.’ Vi is standing behind Heather with her hands on her hips. ‘The party’s over here.’ She nods toward the other elites, all clustered around Kyle’s BMW.

‘I’ll be right there,’ Heather responds to Vi; then she looks back to me. ‘Maybe we can do something before you go.’

‘Maybe,’ I reply, knowing we won’t. Heather turns and walks with Vi back to where she belongs. I slide off the truck and watch them walk away, back to the crowd that never gave us a second glance before today.

I’m forcefully bumped forward by a shoulder and end up spilling beer on my pants.

‘Not for you to look at,’ Neil Talbert threatens from behind me.

I close my eyes and take a breath to restrain myself, wanting so badly to turn around and punch him in the face. My fist clenches with just the thought of it.

‘You’re such a dick,’ Rae snaps when I finally face him.

I look past Neil – who’s trying to make himself look bigger, flexing his arms at his sides – to Rae and give her a quick shake of my head.

‘Still having girls fight for you,’ Neil scoffs. ‘You really haven’t changed, no matter what you look like.’

I don’t say anything. There’s no point. He’s as much of an ass as he was in high school, and nothing I say will make a difference.

‘Neil!’ yells some guy from a distance. ‘Where the hell have you been? We’ve been waiting for the Beam for like an hour. Get over here.’

The tension in my shoulders eases when he starts walking toward his brother’s BMW.

‘Cal, I don’t know why you still let him treat you like that. Hell, you’re bigger than he is now. You know you could take him,’ she says, still glowering over my shoulder.

‘He’s not worth it.’ I lift myself back up onto the tailgate.

‘And what the hell was that about with Heather Townsend? Seriously? Sure, you grew three inches, ditched the glasses for contacts and somehow put on muscle I didn’t know your scrawny body could handle, but you don’t look that different. You’re still you.’

‘Thanks for keeping my ego in check, Rae. I appreciate it.’

She continues, ignoring me. ‘And Nicole Bentley? Really, Cal? I thought you gave up on her years ago.’

‘But don’t you think it’s weird she didn’t come back this summer?’

Something felt off when I didn’t see her walking alongside the girls earlier today. And it still does. She’s the reason I’m here.

I look over as Ashley straddles Kyle, kissing him like she’s marking her territory. Kyle was Nicole’s boyfriend throughout most of high school. And Ashley, Heather and Vi were supposed to be her best friends. I was never convinced she belonged with them, even if she was at the top of their hierarchy. She always seemed uncomfortable with the attention. Or maybe I was the only one who thought that. I stopped trying to defend Nicole’s ice-queen reputation a long time ago because it pisses Rae off.

‘Why do you care?’ Rae questions. ‘We haven’t been friends with her since Richelle moved away in eighth grade. Nicole chose them, remember?’ There’s a bite in Rae’s tone. I know it’s to cover up the hurt that she still feels from losing two of our closest friends in one summer. We don’t talk about it. But we never do. I’ve known Rae my entire life, so I know her, even when she doesn’t say anything.

The four of us grew up together in the same small-town California neighborhood. Rae lives next door, although she’s pretty much an extension of my family at this point. Nicole and Richelle were neighbors a few houses down the street. When we were kids, we were inseparable. But things changed as we got older.

Richelle moved away. We stayed in touch for a while. And then we didn’t. Nicole chose popularity over our friendship soon after. Rae never got over Nicole’s betrayal. And I never got over Nicole. I will never admit this to Rae, or to anyone else for that matter, but I miss them. I know I can’t do anything about it now. It’s been too long.

I look to Rae. ‘Isn’t it strange that the most popular girl in school hasn’t been heard from in over a year and no one seems to care?’

‘Besides you?’ Rae counters with a scoff. ‘Get over her, Cal. She became the queen elite bitch, and now Ashley has taken over her reign. They don’t care about her. They never did. I don’t know why you do.’

‘It’s like she just … disappeared,’ I say quietly, staring unfocused at the ground.

Within the recesses of a faded memory, I can hear Nicole screaming. It was the last thing I heard before no one saw her again.

‘You can’t make it go away by pretending nothing happened.’

CHAPTER ONE

‘You understand, right?’ Carly Says, ‘I feel really bad breaking it off at a party, but I didn’t think it was fair to wait and do it later, when we’re drunk.’ She crosses her arms over her chest, accentuating what little her genie costume is covering up.

‘Yeah,’ I respond, with a nod – too shocked to say anything else. I eye the cowboy I found her talking to, standing a safe distance away with two red cups in his hands. I can only assume he’s the reason she wants to talk now instead of later.

It’s not like we’re that serious. I mean, it’s been only three weeks. Carly pulls me down by the brim of my baseball hat and kisses me on the cheek before vanishing into the artificial fog of the Halloween party. I look down at the two cups I’m carrying and shake my head. This sucks. Draining one of the beers, I make my way out of the house through the back door. There’s no way I want to stick around now.

As I round the corner, I find a couple pinned up against the side of the house, reminding me of what I won’t be doing tonight. Not what I need right now. But as I get closer, I realize they’re not hooking up; they’re arguing … or more like she’s telling him off.

‘You don’t get to touch me,’ seethes the girl who’s dressed head to toe in black. I don’t realize she’s wearing a ninja costume at first, since she practically blends in with the shadows of the house. Then I see what looks like a blade reflecting in her hand. ‘This ass is not yours to touch, and if you so much as look at it, I’m going to shred your balls. Got it?’

The guy in scrubs nods, his eyes flicker between her glare and the sai held under his chin. The weapon looks legit. And she looks pissed enough to use it. I wouldn’t be able to speak either if I were in his position.

I take a sip of my beer, anticipating what she’ll do next. But she just walks away. I’m disappointed. I expected her to at least knee him or something.

‘Fucking psycho,’ the surgeon spits out – but not loud enough for her to hear him. I think he prefers to protect his balls.

He elects to use the back entrance, staying clear of the ninja. Smart move. I gulp down the rest of the beer, toss the cup on the lawn, and follow after her – curious to see where she’s heading. I locate her striding toward the sidewalk and continue in the same direction.

‘Nyelle!’ a girl yells, rushing from the front door. ‘Nyelle, where are you going?’ Strawberry Shortcake almost runs into me, chasing after her friend. She looks up, and her eyes widen in surprise. ‘Oh. Hi, Cal!’ She smiles, her painted cheeks blossoming.

It takes me a moment to recognize her. ‘Tess! How are you?’

‘Um.’ She glances to the sidewalk where Nyelle has stopped. ‘I’m okay, but I think I have to go.’ She starts toward her friend and says as she walks, ‘It was great to see you. We should –’

‘You two need a ride?’ I ask, glancing between her and the spitfire with her hands on her hips.

‘Sure.’

‘No!’

My eyes bounce between the two girls, not sure which answer to go with.

‘Come on, Nyelle. It’s cold. Let him give us a ride.’

‘I need to walk.’ Nyelle turns and continues down the sidewalk. I look at Tess, questioning. She sighs and rushes after Nyelle. I can’t help it – I’m intrigued and have to follow.

‘Fucking stupid boys,’ the ninja grumbles beneath the mask, focused on her steps.

‘She’s having a bad night,’ Tess tries to explain.

I examine the girl in black more carefully. Her face is hidden, with only a slit revealing her eyes. The black robe and pants aren’t tight, but they don’t hide the fact that there’s a girl beneath them either. Let’s just say this girl would make a trash bag sexy. Add the mystique of not knowing what she looks like, and I’m suddenly aware of the turn-on. Dumbass should have kept his hands to himself.

‘How are your classes this semester? Have you decided on a major yet?’ Tess asks, her attention set on me. I redirect my focus away from the fuming ninja, who continues to ramble in expletives. I’m beginning to think she might go back to the party and give the surgeon a need for an operation.

‘They’re okay. And no, I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.’

Tess laughs. ‘I was hoping we’d have another class together. You saved me in art history last semester. I don’t think I would’ve been able to stay awake if you hadn’t made up your own commentary for the slides.’ Tess smiles up at me. I can see the shy flirtation glimmering in her eyes. I choose to ignore it.

‘I wish you would’ve let him drive us,’ Tess complains to her friend. ‘It’s cold.’ She wraps her arms around herself with a shiver.

I stop to take off the lined flannel shirt I have on over my T-shirt. ‘Here.’

‘Thanks.’ Tess beams, taking it and wrapping it around her shoulders.

Nyelle waits for us with her arms crossed, scanning me with judgment. I look down at my shirt, thinking maybe it’s ripped or stained. I didn’t really inspect it closely when I threw it on earlier.

‘What?’

‘Who are you supposed to be?’ Nyelle asks, turning abruptly to start walking again.

‘A drunk college guy.’

‘That’s original.’ Her voice is heavy with sarcasm.

‘What? You saw another one at the party tonight? I thought I was the only one.’

Tess giggles. Nyelle scoffs.

I inspect the shiny metal tucked into her belt. The weapons are legit. ‘Do you know how to use those?’

‘Do you want to find out?’ she snaps.

‘Nyelle!’ Tess scolds. She looks to me apologetically. ‘Sorry. She’s not usually so unfiltered … Okay, yes, she is. But I’m sorry anyway.’

‘You don’t have to apologize for me. Especially when I’m standing right here.’

‘I’m not offended,’ I assure Tess, glancing over at Nyelle, whose eyes tighten ever so slightly. It’s too dark to tell what color they are, shadowed by the mask, but they have an exotic shape to them that looks eerily familiar. ‘I’m not going to take you up on your offer to demonstrate your weaponry skills, though. Even if you don’t know what you’re doing, it would probably hurt. And pain and I don’t get along.’

The edges of Nyelle’s eyes crease slightly, and I’m convinced I got her to smile.

We continue in our bizarre semi-silence, with Tess trying to keep warm and Nyelle grumbling.

I try to get a better look at her, but she keeps her head down with her fists clenched tight. I’m thinking she may be the angriest girl I’ve ever met.

We finally come to a stop under a bright orange light in front of their dorm.

‘Thanks for walking us back,’ Tess says, a little more deflated when she notices my attention focused on her friend. She removes the flannel jacket from her shoulders and hands it to me.

‘Sure,’ I reply, smiling quickly before looking back at Nyelle. ‘It was nice to meet you.’

‘We haven’t –’ she begins. Her words cut short when our eyes meet. Everything fades, and I can’t look away. I’m looking into the most incredible blue eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re the kind of eyes that could keep me standing here like an idiot staring into them all night. I know, because I’ve stared into them before.

‘Goodnight,’ Tess says. I blink.

‘Goodnight, Tess,’ I reply in a rasp. When I look back, the girl in black is already walking across the lobby.

* * *

I’ve never really looked at an eye for this long before. There are so many shapes and lines. The longer I look, the more colors I find. There’s a shade of blue near the center that’s so light, it barely looks like a color at all. Then the colors seem to get darker as they spread out, like a storm parting for a clear sky. The line around her eye is so dark, it’s almost purple, like … midnight. I swear there’s every shade of blue in her eyes, even specks of silver. Focusing on the different colors keeps me from blinking. I want to move closer to see them all.

‘Richelle, stop that. You’re going to make them blink,’ I suddenly hear Rae say behind me. ‘What? Are you jealous that he’s not looking into your eyes?’

‘Shut up, Rae!’ Richelle huffs as Rae laughs.

Nicole’s long, dark lashes flutter shut.

‘Cal wins!’ Richelle declares.

I lean back and blink a few times. My eyes are dry from keeping them open for so long.

Nicole looks to me and smiles lightly, her cheeks pink. ‘You win.’

* * *

‘There’s no way it’s her,’ I mutter. I lean against the bar, which is really a plank of wood set across two stacks of milk crates. It shifts beneath my weight, because it’s not meant to hold people up.

‘Dude, what are you talking about?’ Eric asks from the other side. ‘You’ve been going on about eyes for the past hour. You’re drunk, and you’re not making any sense.’

‘You don’t understand!’ I exclaim. ‘She has her eyes.’

‘Okay. Whatever you say. There’s no way you’re driving back to our apartment. Crash here tonight. The couch is all yours.’

I nod, blinking heavily. I stumble to the dark brown couch and collapse. Eric tosses me a blanket, which lands across my legs. I leave it there, not bothering to cover up. I flop my arm across my face and close my eyes.

I try to convince myself that I’ve imagined it. I got a glimpse of the ninja’s eyes for only a few seconds. But I swear I was looking into Nicole Bentley’s eyes.

* * *

I’m jolted awake when I roll over and practically fall off the couch. It takes a second for me to realize where I am. Then the memories of the previous night start floating to the surface.

Getting dumped. A ninja. Strawberry Shortcake. Nicole’s eyes. Walking to Eric’s fraternity. Drinking. More drinking.

I sit up slowly, letting the spinning in my head settle before reaching for my boots. I run my dry tongue along the roof of my mouth, cringing at the awful taste.

‘Hey,’ Eric says hoarsely from the bottom bunk on the other side of the bedroom. ‘You have class?’

‘It’s Sunday,’ I inform him as I stuff my feet in my boots.

‘That’s right,’ he says, rolling over and covering his head with the blanket.

The clock reads after ten in the morning. I really want to go back to sleep, but I have a paper to write – and a hangover to conquer. Not necessarily in that order.

I throw on my flannel shirt and find my way out of the fraternity house. I have to walk a few blocks back to where I parked my truck for the Halloween party last night. Taking a sobering breath of the cold, crisp air, I start the truck. The freezing vinyl seeping through my jeans and the chill in the air does little to clear my head. I need coffee.

* * *

I’m in desperate need of caffeine to kick my ass as I wait in line at Bean Buzz. Especially today. I lived up to the role of ‘the drunk college guy’ last night. I don’t do it often. But it was such a messed-up night.

I thank Mel behind the register as she hands me my cup. I’m half convinced I’m sleepwalking as I head toward the door, my eyes barely open. I focus on the light coming from the exit and concentrate on moving my body in that direction.

‘Cal?’

I stretch my eyes wide and inhale deeply through my nose in attempt to focus. Carly is standing in front of me. How did she know I’d be here? I never brought her here. I never bring any girls here. I picked the most inconvenient coffee shop off campus so I could avoid accidentally running into them.

‘Carly, what are you doing here?’ I ask, too surprised to be filtered.

‘Uh, getting coffee,’ she answers, holding up the cup.

‘Right,’ I say with a slight nod, feeling like an ass.

‘Do you have a second? I was hoping we could talk.’

‘Uh …’ I hesitate. Right now just standing is a challenge; forget about talking.

‘It’ll be quick. I promise.’

‘Okay.’ I reluctantly follow her to a table that opens up in front of the large picture window. I have no idea what I’m walking into. I’m assuming she wants to apologize for how she ended things last night.

‘I think I made a mistake,’ she says as I lower myself onto the chair. ‘I shouldn’t have broken up with you.’

I definitely didn’t see this coming.

My stunned silence encourages her to continue. ‘I guess I freaked because I’m starting to have feelings for you. But after you left the party last night, I realized how many douche-wads there are on campus. You’re not like them. I screwed up, and I want to give us another chance.’

Shit. I am not coherent enough for this. So I stall and take a slow sip of my coffee, looking everywhere but at the girl sitting across from me waiting for an answer. That’s when I see those same damn blue eyes from last night, staring at me from the leather sofa on the far side of the café – without the mask.

‘Cal?’ Carly calls to me.

‘No way,’ I murmur, transfixed.

‘What?’ Carly questions, a hint of panic in her voice. ‘No?’

‘Sorry.’ I recover quickly, reluctantly looking away. ‘Um, I thought I saw … Never mind.’ I shake my head and try to focus. She gave me an out last night. So I’m taking it. It’s not like it would’ve lasted much longer anyway, especially if she wanted more from me.

I take a quick breath and say, ‘Yeah, no. I can’t get back together with you.’

‘Uh … what?’ Carly’s eyes narrow. ‘Why?’

‘Sorry, Carly. I just can’t.’ I stand and walk away before I can see her reaction. I really should keep walking out the door. But I don’t. Instead, I cross the café to the brown leather sofa where the unmasked girl from last night is reading with her feet propped up on the coffee table.

Then I just stand there and stare at her. She doesn’t notice me, and that’s probably a good thing because I know I look like a creep hovering above her. I have no idea what to say because I’m standing in front of Nicole Bentley. But this girl looks … different. She doesn’t look exactly like the girl who moved into my neighborhood eleven years ago. So maybe she’s not her. It doesn’t make sense for her to be here. Except … those are her eyes.

‘Nicole?’

She doesn’t look up. I’m about to call to her again when someone brushes against my arm.

‘Here you go, Nyelle,’ Tess says, reaching over the coffee table to hand Nicole a mug. ‘Hot chocolate with two pumps of mocha and whipped cream. How can you drink that much sugar in the morning? It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.’ Then Tess looks up at me and smiles brightly. ‘Hey, Cal.’

‘Uh, hi,’ I reply, completely confused. I glance from Tess to Nicole and back again. ‘Um, you’re Nyelle?’ Maybe I’m still drunk.

Nicole smiles gently. ‘Yeah. Nyelle Preston.’ She reaches out her hand. ‘Sorry I was a bitch to you last night.’ She’s looking right at me, waiting for me to take her hand, which is covered by a knit glove with the fingers cut off. There isn’t a single hint of recognition on her face. ‘I was a little drunk and wasn’t having the best night.’

‘Yeah, uh, no problem,’ I say slowly, reaching over and taking her thin hand in mine. ‘Nice to meet you.’ I’m convinced I’m either sleeping, drunk, or in some fucked-up episode of The Twilight Zone. I swear I’m staring at the face of Nicole Bentley, the girl I spent way too many hours of my life thinking about. But she’s looking at me like she has no idea who I am. It’s freaking me out.

‘I’m sorry, but don’t I know –’

‘You’re such a fucker! You should have told me there was someone else. I can’t believe I begged you to take me back!’

I turn just as Carly thrusts her coffee cup in my direction. I bow away, but it’s too late. My body clenches in pain as the hot liquid collides with my chest. Stunned, I watch Carly’s blond curls bounce out the door.

Sucking in through clenched teeth, I pull the soaked T-shirt away from my skin.

‘Omigod,’ Tess gasps. She grabs napkins from the coffee table and begins to frantically blot my shirt. ‘Why would she do that? Are you okay?’

Mel appears in front of me and hands me a fistful of napkins. ‘Do you need anything?’

‘My dignity,’ I mutter. Nicole laughs. I’m suddenly wishing I was still passed out on Eric’s couch. ‘I look like an idiot, don’t I?’

Nicole smiles. ‘Well … kinda. But she looked like a psycho. So she wins.’

Just shoot me already.

‘Oh, Cal, I can’t believe she did that. Who was she?’

‘An ex,’ I grumble, taking the napkins from Tess. ‘Thanks for your help. But I’m going to go.’ I can feel every pair of eyes on me, including the ones that kept me from taking that exit I should’ve made earlier. ‘I’ll see you later.’

I dump the napkins in the trash before I walk out the door. I look over my shoulder to find the girl who looks like Nicole Bentley still watching me.

Rebecca Donavan

REASON TO BREATHE

1 Nonexistent

Breathe. My eyes swelled as I swallowed against the lump in my throat. Frustrated with my weakness, I swiftly brushed away the tears that had forced their way down my cheeks with the back of my hand. I couldn’t think about it any more – I would explode.

I looked around the room that was mine but had no true connection to me – a hand-me-down desk with a mismatched chair against the wall and next to it a three-tiered bookcase that had seen too many homes in too many years. There were no pictures on the walls. No reminder of who I was before I came here. It was just a space where I could hide – hide from the pain, the glares and the cutting words.

Why was I here? I knew the answer. It wasn’t a choice to be here; it was a necessity. I had nowhere else to go, and they couldn’t turn their backs on me. They were the only family I had, and for that I couldn’t be grateful.

I lay on my bed, attempting to divert my attention to my homework. I winced as I reached for my Trigonometry book. I couldn’t believe it was sore already. Great! It looked like I’d be wearing long sleeves again this week.

The aching pain in my shoulder caused the images of the horrific exchange to flash through my head. I felt the anger rising, making me clench my jaw and grit my teeth. I took a deep breath and allowed the dull wash of nothingness to envelop me. I needed to push it out of my head, so I forced myself to concentrate on my homework.

I was woken by a soft tap at my door. I propped myself up on my elbows and tried to focus in my dark room. I must have been asleep for about an hour, but didn’t remember dozing off.

‘Yeah,’ I answered, my voice caught in my throat.

‘Emma?’ the small cautious voice called out as my door slowly opened.

‘You can come in, Jack.’ I tried to sound welcoming despite my crushed disposition.

His hand gripped the doorknob, as his head – not much taller than the knob – peeked in.

Jack’s wide brown eyes scanned the room until they connected with mine – I could tell he was nervous about what he might find – and he smiled at me in relief. He knew way too much for his six years.

‘Dinner’s ready,’ he said, looking down. I realized it wasn’t the message he wanted to be responsible to give me.

‘I’ll be right there.’ I tried to smile back to assure him it was okay. He walked back to the voices in the other room. The clatter of platters and bowls being set on the table could be heard down the hall, along with Leyla’s excited voice. If anyone were to observe this routine, they would think this was the picture-perfect American family sitting down to enjoy dinner together.

The picture changed when I crept out of my room. The air became thick with discord, with the crushing reminder that I existed, a blemish to their portrait. I took another deep breath and tried to convince myself I could get through this. It’s just another night, right? But that was the problem.

I walked slowly down the hall and into the light of the dining room. My stomach turned as I crossed the threshold. I kept my gaze down at my hands, which I twisted in anticipation. To my relief, she didn’t notice when I entered.

‘Emma!’ Leyla exclaimed, running to me. I bent down, allowing her to jump into my arms. She gave me a tight embrace around my neck. I released a breathy grunt when the pain shot up my arm.

‘Did you see my picture?’ she asked, so proud and excited of her swirls of pink and yellow. I felt the glare on my back, knowing that if it were a knife, I’d be incapacitated instantly.

‘Mom, did you see my drawing of Tyrannosaurus Rex?’ I heard Jack ask, attempting to distract her.

‘That’s wonderful, honey,’ she praised, redirecting her attention to her son.

‘It’s beautiful,’ I said softly to Leyla, looking into her dancing brown eyes. ‘Why don’t you go ahead and sit for dinner, okay?’

‘Okay,’ she agreed, having no idea that her affectionate gesture had caused tension at the dinner table. How could she? She was four, and to her I was the older cousin she idolized, while she was my sun in this dark house. I could never blame her for the added grief her fondness for me caused. The conversation picked up and I thankfully became invisible once again.

After waiting until everyone was served, I helped myself to the chicken, peas and potatoes. I could sense that my every move was being scrutinized, so I kept my focus on my plate while I ate. I knew that what I’d taken wasn’t enough to satisfy my hunger, but I didn’t dare take more.

I didn’t listen to the words coming from her mouth as she went on and on about her trying day at work. Her voice raked through me, making my stomach turn. George responded with a comforting remark, attempting to reassure her as he always did. The only acknowledgement I received was when I asked to be excused. George looked across the table with his ambivalent eyes and dryly granted my request.

I gathered my plate, along with Jack and Leyla’s, since they’d already left to watch TV in the living room. I began my nightly routine of scraping plates and placing them in the dishwasher, along with scrubbing the pots and pans George had used to prepare the dinner.

I waited for the voices to move into the living room before I returned to the table to finish clearing. After washing the dishes, taking out the trash and sweeping the floor, I headed back to my room. I passed the living room with the sounds of the TV and the kids’ laughter in the background. I slipped by unnoticed, as usual.

I lay on my bed, plugging in the earbuds to my iPod, and turned up the volume so my mind was too preoccupied with the music to think. Tomorrow I would have a game after school that would keep me late, missing our wonderful family dinner. I breathed deep and closed my eyes. Tomorrow was another day – one day closer to leaving this all behind.

I rolled on my side, forgetting about my shoulder for a moment, until painfully reminded of what I was leaving behind. I shut off my light and let the music drone me to sleep.

I grabbed a granola bar on my way through the kitchen with a duffle bag in hand and my backpack slung on my shoulder. Leyla’s eyes widened with delight when she saw me. I went over and kissed the top of her head, making a conscious effort to ignore the penetrating glare I was receiving from across the room. Jack was sitting next to Leyla at the island eating cereal – he slipped me a piece of paper without looking up.

‘Good Luck!’ was written in purple crayon with an adorable attempt at a soccer ball drawn in black. He glanced at me quickly to catch my expression, and I flashed a half smile, so she wouldn’t pick up on our interaction. ‘Bye, guys,’ I said, turning towards the door.

Before I could reach it, her cold hand gripped my wrist. ‘Leave it.’

I turned towards her. Her back was shielding the kids from witnessing her venomous glare. ‘You didn’t ask for it on your list. So I didn’t buy it for you. Leave it.’ She held out her hand.

I set the granola bar in her palm and was instantly freed from her crushing grasp. ‘Sorry,’ I murmured and rushed out of the house before there was more to be sorry for.

‘So … what happened when you got home?’ Sara demanded in anticipation, lowering the volume of the fast beat punk song when I entered her red convertible coupe.

‘Huh?’ I responded, still rubbing my wrist.

‘Last night, when you got home,’ Sara prompted impatiently.

‘Not much really – just the usual yelling,’ I replied, downplaying the drama that had awaited me when I got home from practice yesterday. I decided not to divulge more as I casually rubbed my bruised arm. As much as I loved Sara and knew she would do anything for me, there were some things I thought best to save her from.

‘So, just yelling, huh?’ I knew she wasn’t completely buying it. I wasn’t the best liar, but I was convincing enough.

‘Yeah,’ I mumbled, clasping my hands together, still shaking from her touch. I kept my eyes focused to the side, watching the trees fly by, broken up by the oversized homes with their landscaped lawns, feeling the crisp late-September air whip against my flushed face.

‘Lucky for you, I guess.’ I could feel her looking at me, waiting for me to confess.

Sara turned up the music, recognizing I wasn’t going to give her more, and started yelling while thrusting her head to a British punk band.

We pulled into the school parking lot, receiving the usual turning of heads from the students and the shaking of heads from the faculty. Sara was oblivious, or at least acted like she couldn’t care less. I ignored it, because I really couldn’t care less.

I slung my backpack over my left shoulder and walked across the parking lot with Sara. Her face beamed with an infectious smile as people waved to her. I was barely noticed, but I wasn’t bothered by the lack of recognition. It was easy to be overshadowed by Sara’s charismatic presence with her mane of gorgeous fiery hair that flowed in layers to the middle of her back.

Sara was every high-school boy’s fantasy, and I’m sure some of the male teachers’ as well. She was startlingly attractive and had the body of a swimsuit model, filled out in just the right places. But what I loved about Sara was that she was real. She may have been the most desired girl in school, but it didn’t go to her head.

‘Good morning, Sara,’ could be heard from just about everyone we passed as she walked with a bounce of energy through the junior halls. She’d return these welcomes with a smile and a similar greeting.

There were some greetings thrown my way as well, to which I would respond with a quick glance and a nod of my head. I knew the only reason they even acknowledged me was because of Sara. I actually wished I wasn’t noticed at all as I slunk through the halls in her shadow.

‘I think Jason’s finally coming around to realizing I exist,’ Sara declared while we gathered what we needed for our first class from our adjacent lockers. By some miracle, we were in the same homeroom together, making us practically inseparable. Well, that was until our first class when I headed to Advanced Placement English and she was off to Algebra II.

‘Everyone knows you exist, Sara,’ I responded with a wry smile. Some too well, I thought, holding my smile.

‘Well, it’s different with him. He barely looks at me, even when I sit right next to him. It’s so frustrating.’ She collapsed back against her locker. ‘You realize guys notice you too,’ she added, picking up on my emphasis, ‘but you can’t look up from your books long enough to notice them.’

My face turned red and I looked at her with a questioning scowl. ‘What are you talking about? They only notice me because I’m with you.’

Sara laughed, her perfect white teeth gleaming. ‘You have no idea,’ she scoffed, still smiling in amusement.

‘Enough. It doesn’t matter anyway,’ I replied dismissively, my face still hot. ‘What are you going to do about Jason?’

Sara sighed, holding her books to her chest while running her blue eyes along the ceiling as she looked distant, lost in thought.

‘I’m not sure yet,’ she said from that far-off place that kept the corners of her mouth curled up. It was evident she was picturing him and his swept-back blond hair, intense blue eyes and drop-dead smile. Jason was the captain and quarterback of the football team. Could it get any more cliché?

‘What do you mean? You always have a plan.’

‘This one’s different. He doesn’t even look at me. I have to be more careful.’

‘I thought you said he finally noticed you?’ I asked, confused.

Sara turned her head to look at me, her eyes still sparkling from that place she was slowly returning from, but the smile was lost.

‘I don’t get it really. I made sure to sit next to him in Business class yesterday, and he said “hi”, but that was it. So he knows I exist. Period.’ I could hear the exasperation in her voice.

‘I’m sure you’ll think of something. Or maybe he’s gay.’ I smirked.

‘Emma!’ Sara exclaimed with wide eyes, punching my right arm. I forced a smile while gritting my teeth, hoping she hadn’t noticed my shoulders tense with the impact of her harmless blow. ‘Don’t say that. That would be devastating – for me at least.’

‘Not for Kevin Bartlett.’ I laughed, causing her to scowl.

To see Sara so distracted by this guy was amusing and disarming at the same time. She had a way with people – the results almost always ended in her favour, especially with guys. It didn’t matter who she was trying to persuade, she would put an endearing spin on what she wanted so that the person was actually eager to accommodate her.

Sara was obviously flustered by Jason Stark. It was a side of her I almost never saw. I knew this was new territory for her, and I was interested to see what she was going to do next.

The only people who have given her a greater challenge have been my aunt and uncle. I kept assuring her that it had nothing to do with her, but it only made her more determined to win them over. In doing so, she hoped to make my personal hell a little more liveable. Who was I to stand in her way? Even though I knew it was a lost cause.

We parted after homeroom. I entered A. P. English and sat at the back of the room as usual. Ms Abbott greeted us and began the class by handing back our most recent papers.

She approached my desk and looked down at me with a warm smile. ‘Very insightful, Emma,’ she praised as she handed me my paper.

My eyes met hers with a quick, yet awkward, smile. ‘Thank you.’

The paper was marked in red pen with an ‘A’ at the top. There were additional positive comments written in the margins throughout the paper. It was what I anticipated and what my peers expected of me. Most of the other students were leaning over to see what the person sitting next to them had received in comparison to their own marks. No one looked at my paper. I tucked it into the back of my binder.

I wasn’t embarrassed by my grades or what other students thought of my high marks. I knew I earned them. And I also knew that they were going to save me some day. What no one understood, besides Sara, was that all I really cared about were the days I counted down until I moved out of my aunt and uncle’s house to go to college. So if I had to put up with the whispers behind my back as I received the highest marks in the class, then so be it. They weren’t going to be there to save me if I did anything but succeed, so I didn’t need to get involved in the gossip and typical teenage tripe.

Sara was the closest I was going to get to any semblance of the high-school experience, and she definitely kept it entertaining. She was admired by most, envied by many, and could discreetly seduce a guy with a grin. What mattered most to me was that I trusted her with my life – which was saying a lot, considering the unpredictability that awaited me at home each night.

‘How’s it going?’ Sara asked when we met at our lockers before lunch.

‘Nothing new and exciting here. Any progress in Business class with Jason?’ This was Sara’s class right before lunch, so it usually gave her enough to talk about until we reached Journalism after.

‘I wish!’ she exclaimed in annoyance. ‘Nothing – it’s so frustrating! I’m not being overly aggressive, but I am definitely putting the obvious signals out there that I’m interested.’

‘You don’t have what it takes to make him interested,’ I teased with a grin.

‘Shut up, Em!’ Sara looked at me with stern eyes. ‘I think I’m going to have to be more direct. The worst he can say is –’

‘I’m gay,’ I interrupted and laughed.

‘Laugh all you want, but I am going to get Jason Stark to go out with me.’

‘I know you will,’ I assured her, still smiling.

I purchased lunch with my weekly stipend from the money I earned during the summer – money that was strictly regulated without allowing me direct access. Just another irrational rule I had to live with for the next six hundred and seventy-three days.

We decided to have lunch outside at the picnic tables to take advantage of the Indian summer day. Fall in New England was very unpredictable. It could be frosty and cold one day, and the next would be warm enough to pull out the sleeveless shirts. But once winter hit, it stuck around for longer than it was welcome.

As most of the other students were shedding clothes to take advantage of the warmth, I could only push up the sleeves of my shirt. My wardrobe revolved around the colours of the healing bruises on my arms, and had nothing to do with the temperature.

‘What did you do to your hair today? It looks good. It looks straighter. Very chic.’

I looked at Sara sideways as we headed outside, knowing the only reason my hair was in the ponytail was because I ran out of my allowed five minutes in the shower this morning, and didn’t get to rinse the conditioner out of my hair before the water was turned off. ‘What are you talking about?’ I asked incredulously.

‘Forget it. You can never take a compliment.’ Changing the subject, she asked, ‘So will you be able to go to the football game tomorrow night?’

I just looked over at her with my eyebrows raised, taking a bite out of an apple.

Realizing I wasn’t going to answer the obvious, Sara picked up her soda, stopping with the can raised to her lips.

‘Why is he torturing me?!’ Sara whispered, slowly lowering the can with her eyes fixated on something behind me.

I turned to see what had captured her attention. Jason Stark and another well-built senior had their shirts off and tucked into the backs of their jeans as they threw a football back and forth. The attention he captured was painfully obvious. I watched him for a minute as Sara moaned behind me. Oddly, he seemed oblivious to all of the girls drooling over him – interesting.

‘Sara, maybe he doesn’t realize he’s as wanted as he is,’ I observed objectively. ‘Have you ever thought of that?’

‘How could he not know?’ she questioned in disbelief.

‘He’s a guy,’ I said with a resigned sigh. ‘Have you ever seen him out with anyone other than the two years he was dating Holly Martin? Just because we think he’s a god, it doesn’t mean he puts himself on the same pedestal.’

We looked over at the tall figure with the defined muscles and playful smile. Even I couldn’t help but get lost in the details of his tanned body. Just because I was focused on school, it didn’t mean I was dead. I still noticed – well, sometimes.

‘Maybe,’ she considered with a devious smirk.

‘You guys would make an amazingly beautiful couple,’ I said with a sigh.

‘Em, you have to go to the game with me tomorrow!’ she pleaded with an edge of desperation.

I shrugged. It wasn’t like it was my choice. I had no control over my social life; hence, I had no social life. I was holding out for college. It’s not like I wasn’t participating in the high-school experience. I just had my own version – three varsity sports, editor of the school paper, along with participating in the yearbook, art and French clubs. It was enough to keep me after school every day, and sometimes into the evenings when I had games or deadlines with the paper. I needed to create the ideal transcript for a scholarship admission. It was the only thing I felt like I had control over, and it was honestly more of a survival plan than an escape plan.

Rebecca Donovan

WHAT IF

PENGUIN BOOKS

Contents

THE BEGINNING

Books by Rebecca Donovan

Prologue

CHAPTER ONE

Rebecca Donavan

REASON TO BREATHE

1

Nonexistent

Nicole

June – Before Fourth Grade