A perverse thank you to those in The Business, who, during a two-year Passage To Hollywood, imbued the author with sufficient venom to produce this book.
and
A humble thank you to Jay Allen, Harold Becker, Jeanne Bernkopf, Jack Herron, John Sturgeon, who helped the author complete the Passage, relatively intact.
IN HOLLYWOOD!
Where is the place that they all like to go?
It’s Hollywood.
Jack ’n’ Jill, Bruce and Bill, Farrah and Bo
Go Hollywood.
Down on the boulevard Saturday night,
You’ve never seen such a colorful sight,
But make sure that you roll up your windows real tight
In Hollywood.
Where are there so many hustling stars?
In Hollywood.
Stuck in the sidewalk or parking your cars—
That’s Hollywood.
Most every moment you’ll hear sirens scream;
Follow the cop cars—you’ll soon reach the scene
And you’re bound to end up on the big or small screen
In Hollywood.
In the tradition of countless marines
Go Hollywood.
Tuck your equipment in super-tight jeans,
Go Hollywood.
Saunter the boulevard, you’re out for hire,
Milk all you can out of old men’s desire,
’Cause in just a few years you’ll find you are the buyer—
That’s Hollywood!
—SONG BY IAN WHITCOMB
It’s the wildest bar in Chinatown, run by a proprietor named Wing who will steal your bar change every chance he gets. On payday the groupies mingle there with off-duty LAPD cops, including homicide detectives Martin Welborn and Al Mackey, who get assigned the case of a murdered Hollywood studio boss who may have been involved in some very strange and dangerous filmmaking. Hilarious at times, heartbreaking at others, this book was likened by the New York Daily News to a “one-two combination that leaves the reader reeling.”
Review quote
“Let us dispel forever the notion that Mr. Wambaugh is only a former cop who happens to write books. . . . This would be tantamount to saying that Jack London was first and foremost a sailor. Mr. Wambaugh is, in fact, a writer of genuine power, style, wit and originality.” —The New York Times Book Review
“Wambaugh’s cops, like the soldiers in Catch-22, are men and women in a frenzy, zany grotesques made that way by the outrageous nature of the things they deal with.” —Los Angeles Times Book Review
“[Wambaugh is] a good writer who becomes better with each successive book.” —The Detroit News
“Wambaugh sidesteps all the clichés.” —The Baltimore Sun
The son of a policeman, Joseph Wambaugh (b. 1937) began his writing career while a member of the Los Angeles Police Department. He joined the LAPD in 1960 after three years in the Marine Corps, and rose to the rank of detective sergeant before retiring in 1974. His first novel, The New Centurions (1971), was a quick success, drawing praise for its realistic action and intelligent characterization, and was adapted into a feature film starring George C. Scott. He followed it up with The Blue Knight (1972), which was adapted into a mini-series starring William Holden and Lee Remick.
Since then Wambaugh has continued writing about the LAPD. He has been credited with a realistic portrayal of police officers, showing them not as superheroes but as men struggling with a difficult job, a depiction taken mainstream by television’s Police Story, which Wambaugh helped create in the mid-1970s. In addition to novels, Wambaugh has written nonfiction, winning a special Edgar Award for 1974’s The Onion Field, an account of the longest criminal trial in California history. His most recent work is the novel Hollywood Moon (2010).
1
The Glitter Dome
It was six inches long. He stroked it lightly, but he could not conjure an appropriate response: eroticism, revulsion, fascination, terror. He had read it described in a hundred melodramatic and pathetic suicide notes. Technology had even infiltrated death messages: So far this year four farewells were transmitted on taped cassettes, the ultimate proof of declining literacy.
It was dark and cool in the tiny kitchen. The formica tabletop was greasy and wet from the spillage of Tullamore Dew. He stroked the thing again. It had hung on his body for too long. More of a cock than the other one. He used it once a month as required by the Los Angeles Police Department. He had tried to use the other one this very night. The fifth of Tullamore Dew was nearly empty. He should be anesthetized. He’d nearly died and all he could think of was his cock. But the memory of the misfire hurt.
Even the Pacific Ocean had the sweats that night. The offshore breeze was hot and wet. He ought to have turned and left The Glitter Dome the moment he entered. It was just nine o’clock, yet there they were, perched at the long bar like Mother Carey’s chickens.
Chinatown gave him a headache, especially on those two nights a month when The Glitter Dome was jammed with chickens, yet that was why he was here. Police payday.
He had retreated utterly to the bosom of the cop “family.” To The Glitter Dome. To kaleidoscopic colors: greens, yellows, reds, all of which he hated. To chaotic winking lights and leering neon messages. To winking groupies (seldom at him) and leering young cops plucking the chickens from their tentative perches at that long, long bar.
The hysteria was palpable. The Glitter Dome was teeming, smoky, loud. A dozen couples bumped and banged together on a parqueted dance floor hardly larger than a king-size bed. And it may as well have been a bed: Three of the groping, licking, grinding pairs of cops and chickens had managed everything but penetration.
He had known he should leave. He thought about leaving. But his legs were hurting from a game of handball at the police academy. His stupid idea, to provide some badly needed diversion for his partner, Martin Welborn, who, after his marital separation, had become morose, distant, burned out, eerie. They’d been partners for three years and he was suddenly scared for Marty Welborn.
So if it hadn’t been for his friendship with Marty Welborn, and the handball, and the sore legs, he would not have almost died this night. He was ready to leave when one of the chickens (this one more of a vulture) was plucked from her stool by a cop he knew, a street monster named Buckmore Phipps who patrolled Hollywood Boulevard with the subtlety of a Russian gunship.
“Whaddaya know, whaddaya say?” Buckmore Phipps grinned, baring thirty-two donkey teeth, amazingly still intact, given the way this street monster did business on the boulevard. “If it ain’t Aloysius Mackey. Welcome to the Bay of Pigs.”
Then Buckmore Phipps was off to the dance floor with his boozy vulture, probably a record clerk. Al Mackey had gotten so he could tell the record clerks from the communications operators even before they opened their mouths. The policewomen were most easily identifiable: They evinced all the cynicism of their male counterparts.
So there was an empty barstool, and his legs hurt, and he had a sudden yen for three fingers of Tullamore Dew. He pointed to the bottle of Irish whiskey and nodded to Wing, the proprietor. With his overlong neck, and hollow eyes, and small head with sparse tufts of slicked-down hair sprung loose on each side like antennae, Wing looked for all the world like a praying mantis hopping around behind the long bar, his bony arms extending from his emerald mandarin jacket. Wing was a third-generation American who affected a Chinese accent and obsequious demeanor for daytime tourists. Nothing was as it seemed in The Glitter Dome.
“Double?” Wing winked, pouring a triple.
Before the night was over he would shortchange the detective to more than make up for it. Nothing was free in The Glitter Dome either. The perfect microcosm for Al Mackey. Thank God Marty Welborn didn’t come here. He’d probably go home and swallow his Smith & Wesson. The Glitter Dome was a death wish of a saloon.
Al Mackey tossed it down at once and Wing skipped over with another. Three triples of Tullamore Dew and the warlord of The Glitter Dome could give the uncomplaining detective change for a ten and drop his twenty into the mysterious box made of monkeypod which sat beside an abacus to accommodate the “tips” which never passed through the cash register. Wing called the “tips” a tribute to his honored ancestors who, among the huddled masses, came to these golden shores and prospered. There was an American flag on the front and Chinese characters painted on the back of the box. The message on the back, roughly translated, read: “Uncle Sam’s taxes suck. It’s every Chink for himself.”
Another thing that Al Mackey hated about The Glitter Dome was the cascade of fruity drinks they poured over that bamboo long bar: Scorpions, Zombies, Fog Cutters. They all delivered a throat full of phlegm and a world-class hangover. And they were expensive.
“What division you work?”
She was rather young, something between a chicken and a vulture. But why did they all have phony lacquered nails? The one that Buckmore Phipps had plucked loose from the bamboo had actually left claw marks in the varnished bar top.
“Hollywood Detectives.” He said it to the Tullamore Dew, figuring it would be all over the second one of those virile, healthy young authority symbols from Central Patrol came swashbuckling in, full of juice and energy and hope, with the balance of a City of L.A. paycheck causing the other bulge in his jeans. We may not be the best cops in the world, honey, but we’re the best paid!
And in they came. Look-alikes. Polyester body shirts, tight pants, hairstyles trimmed just short enough to keep the sergeants happy, the inevitable sideburns and moustaches. Why do all cops love sideburns except Al Mackey and Marty Welborn? God, it was so predictable, but not as predictable as the barroom greeting:
“Roll call!” bellowed one young cop, spotting a clutch of pals and friendly groupies. “Marcus!”
“Here!” a voice shouted from the smoky darkness. The goddamn place was starting to smell like incense. Al Mackey’s head throbbed. A perverted Chinese church.
“Cedric!” the young cop bellowed, and a voice answered “Present!”
“Sweet stuff!” the cop yelled, and three chickens from the corner pocket tittered and screamed, “Here! Over here!”
The chicken-vulture next to him surprised him by not letting it drop.
“I work communications.”
“I woulda guessed.”
“How?”
“Nice voice,” he said. Big ass, he thought.
“My name’s Grace,” she said. “Some a the fellas call me Amazing Grace.”
“Al Mackey,” he said, giving her clammy hand a squeeze. Stress. Tension. So familiar, all of it. Déjà vu.
He became even more depressed when the door burst open again. (They never entered without a flourish.) Three more twenty-two-year-old father surrogates, fresh from a nightwatch radio car, came swaggering through the plastic-beaded curtains, doing a momentary freeze-frame for the queue of fatherless Glitter Dome chickens.
To Al Mackey they all looked like John Travolta. Good-bye to the operator. Catch your number some other time. Maybe around two A.M. when you haven’t been nested and you’re ready for the middle-aged casualties even more hysterical than you are. The kind you wake up with in a Chinatown motel (the walls are yellow, green and red), all sour and boozy in a lumpy bed, having left those desperate claw marks in the ass of a sad, blowsy stranger.
Just then Al Mackey got the passing bittersweet idea of going home and shooting himself. Surprise, Marty! Old Kamikaze Mackey beat you to it.
He knew he was extra loaded tonight. The chicken-vulture had begun to look vulnerable and lovely. He wanted to touch her hand. Then she opened her mouth.
“I reeeeel-ly like mature detectives as opposed to cocky young bluesuits. In fact I despise them. My girlfriend says if they couldn’t eat poontang there’d be a bounty on them.”
She giggled into her Mai Tai just as he’d talked into his Tullamore Dew. They hadn’t yet tried talking to each other. Perhaps they never would. What’s the difference? The clanging of glasses sounded like the tolling of bells. A dark omen. He saw that she was at least as drunk as he.
“I despise that cheating Chinaman,” he said to his Irish whiskey. “He’s a thief.”
Then Al Mackey signaled to the thief, who hopped down the long bar and warmed Al Mackey’s cockles by pouring four fingers without shortchanging him yet.
“I’ll tell you who I hate worse than any Chinaman,” she said to the Mai Tai. Then she sucked the empty straw loudly enough to drown out the music of Fleetwood Mac any old day.
Al Mackey got the clue and nodded to the ever-watchful Wing, who skipped in with a premixed $3.50 special. This time Wing cadged fifty cents from Al Mackey’s change.
Amazing Grace didn’t thank Al Mackey. Apparently, the information about whom she hated worse than any Chinaman was worth three and a half scoots. “I hate that big ugly cop you talked to when you came in. You know, whatzisname with the big teeth?”
“Phipps. His name’s Buckmore Phipps.”
“Yeah, that piece a cancer. I hate him. Only good thing about him, he’s such a lushwell his liver’s probably big as his ass. Can’t last much longer, way he does it. About a year. Canceled check. End of Watch. Bye bye, Bucko.” Then, for the first time, she stopped talking to the Mai Tai. She turned to Al Mackey: “Do you know he has a drippy faucet?”
“A what?” Al Mackey was trying to concentrate on her dancing eyebrows. Was she a blonde? Was she gray? He looked down and saw that her ass was bigger than Buckmore Phipps’ liver. The fact is, she was somewhat repulsive. He was getting aroused.
“I happen to know that in Hollywood patrol right now the clap’s as common as a head cold. Your friend, Buckmore Phipps …”
“He’s not my friend,” Al Mackey protested boozily. “I hate him too.”
Wing, never one to miss a conversation heating up, slid in with another triple of Tullamore Dew, took the correct amount from Al Mackey, and managed to steal a dollar from Amazing Grace’s bar cash before drifting away.
“Your friend Buckmore … excuse me.” She hiccupped wetly and wiped her mouth with a damp cocktail napkin, smearing orange lipstick over her chin. “He’d like to jump on my bones like a new trampoline. Tried to penetrate my knickers one night right here in The Glitter Dome! That’s the kind a animal he is.”
“I hate him,” Al Mackey said fervently. “I really hate him.”
“And I’ll tell you something else.” She leaned closer to say it. “I happen to know he’s practically raising crabs. A steno works Hollywood nightwatch told me. He has them in his armpits even.”
“A goddamn crab ranch,” Al Mackey said, seeing two Mai Tais in front of the hefty operator when logic told him there was one. Double vision meant it was now or never.
“Say, listen …” He didn’t remember her name. “Listen … Miss.”
“That’s nice,” she said. “I told you my name’s Grace. You’d rather call me Miss. You don’t hear such politeness from those young bluecoats. I think that’s awful sweet, Art.”
“Al.”
“That’s sweet, Al.”
“Grace, how about I take you home?”
“I got a car.”
“Okay, you take me home.” Al Mackey touched her hand.
“Where you live, Al?” She stroked his finger. It was getting hotter by the minute. Wing sidled by, nicking two quarters with utter impunity.
“I don’t live far, Grace,” Al Mackey murmured. Their faces were inches apart.
“Where you live, Al?” she belched.
“The Chinatown Motel.”
“Oh, Al!” she squealed. “That’s funny!” Grace pushed him playfully, which caused him to pitch backwards, stool and all. Only the return of Buckmore Phipps kept him from crashing to the floor on his head.
“Hold on there, Aloysius.” Buckmore Phipps easily caught the frail detective in midflight. “Kee-rist, Mackey, I got a water ski bigger than you. You get any skinnier you’re gonna disappear.”
When Al Mackey was safely back on his stool and Amazing Grace was sending frantic signals by sucking air through the empty straw, Buckmore Phipps said, “It’s this Glitter Dome piss you’re drinkin. Irish whiskey, my dick. Wing has it brewed on the shores a Lake Mojave by a gang a bootleggers. Stuff they can’t ferment they use for moorings.”
“My right eye just slammed shut. I’m getting bored,” said Buckmore Phipps’ vulture, now clinging to the huge shoulder of the cop. “We cutting out or not?”
“We sure are, Babycakes,” the big cop cooed. “Daddy’s gonna take his Babycakes home and we’re gonna … Let’s see, first we’re gonna … fight!”
“Oh, Daddy! Daddy!” she squealed, and Al Mackey’s depression worsened. Talk about father surrogates!
“Babycakes gives Daddy a bust in the mouth and a crack in the teeth and the fight’s aaaaalllll over. Then it’s piece, Babycakes.” He made a peace sign with fingers as thick as shotgun shells.
“What a hunk!” The vulture ran her claws down the big cop’s chest, raking the plunging nylon shirt.
“Listen, Grace,” Al Mackey said, “what say you and me …”
But it was no use. The rum-filled operator was staring at Buck-more Phipps’ mean and massive body as the other vulture bit his shoulder and said, “Will Daddy tell Babycakes cops ’n’ robbers stories?”
Buckmore Phipps had been here a time or two. “Sure I will, Babycakes. Tell you about how I got shot last year. Had a slug in my bladder floatin in piss for a week till they got it out. Gave me all new plumbin, though. Now I fire tracers! Burny, burny, burny!”
And so forth. Babycakes couldn’t keep her hands off him as they pushed through the crowd. Al Mackey heard Buckmore Phipps’ superfluous parting shot. The big cop said to his vulture: “I’m the best man in this saloon.”
Amazing Grace sighed and watched Buckmore Phipps all the way through the beaded curtains. Crab ranch and all.
“Well, she can have him,” Amazing Grace announced after they were gone. “The way he talks to ladies. Calls her every kind a douche bag from full to empty. Still, she’d go along if he said he was driving to Hawaii. Huh! Best man in this saloon. Sure.”
“I’m about the seventeenth best man in this saloon,” Al Mackey said earnestly. Honesty might win the day.
But honesty had nothing to do with it, finally. Economics decided things. He wasn’t as skinny as he looked before her fifth Mai Tai. And he was actually pretty young. No more than forty-six, forty-seven, maybe. One of those guys that probably looked old in high school. Probably no ass at all, but a nice guy. This Art Mackey was reeeeel-ly a nice guy. Economics. Supply and demand.
Ten minutes later they held each other upright and pushed through the madding crowd, much to the sorrow of Wing, who hated to see rummies get away with a few bucks left in their kick.
Perhaps the second saddest moment of the evening for Al Mackey was the snatch of conversation he heard at the far end of the long bar as he swayed past poor old Cal Greenberg, a thirty-five-year detective from his own division, who was desperately trying to make his point over the din of snaky hard rock to a lethargic young cop from Newton Street Station who couldn’t care less.
“I wouldn’t mind,” poor old Cal Greenberg shouted. “If it was music, I wouldn’t mind. You call this music?”
“You know that record clerk works the Badcat Detail,” the young cop answered. “Maggie something? Tits from here to San Diego? That one?”
“Well, do you? Do you call it music?”
“Tits from here to Texas? Maggie I think it is?”
“Tits! That’s all you want out of life? Would you rather have brains or tits?” poor old Cal Greenberg demanded.
“Shit,” the young cop said drily. “If I had brains I could buy the tits.”
“But you call this music?” poor old Cal Greenberg insisted. “This is not music. You ever heard of Glenn Miller? He made music. Glenn Miller. You ever heard of him?”
Wing ended poor old Cal Greenberg’s imminent crying jag by pouring him a double. He let his furtive emerald sleeve slither across the pile of bills in front of the old detective. Wing managed to steal two bucks along with the price of the double to add to the box of mad money.
“Tell him, Wing,” poor old Cal Greenberg pleaded. “Tell this kid. Glenn Miller was a hero!”
“Hero, my tush,” Wing giggled, turning the hard rock two decibels louder. “He couldn’t even fly.”
Wing dropped the booty in the box made of monkeypod, gave the abacus a sprightly fingering, and hopped down the bar toward a bombed-out kiddy cop from Hollenbeck who had at least thirty bucks in front of him.
Perhaps Al Mackey’s misfire at the Chinatown motel was inevitable. Her flesh collapsed when she took off the bra and panty girdle. She fell out in sections: gelatinous thighs, varicosed greenish calves, stomach crisscrossed by a network of wrinkles and stretch marks. The gray belly of an aged seal.
“Well, goddamn!” she said finally, sweat-drenched and panting, not from lust but exhaustion. “You a fag or what? I suck my goddamn teeth loose! For what?”
“I’m sorry,” he belched. The combination of booze and tension had him incredibly flatulent.
“It takes a stiff rod to catch the big fish, boy!”
“I know. I know!”
“Just my goddamn luck! A bar full a real men and I get some kind a fag.”
“Maybe we should leave.” He tried to sit up but the ceiling spun. Not in the same direction that it had when he lay down. It was the first time he could remember the ceiling ever spinning in different directions. Amazing Grace. He needed a Saving Grace!
“Okay, okay,” she said soothingly. “I didn’t mean that. That was wrong for me to say. Lord, what’s the matter with me? You’re havin a little trouble and I call you a fag? Lord, what’s wrong with me? I should be helpin you.”
“It’s my fault. It’s not you.”
“No, no, sweetie. Here, come to Mama.” She pulled the skinny detective to her soft sagging breasts and shoved one in his mouth. “There, there. You’ll be okay in a minute. It was wrong of Mama to scold and call nasty names. There, there.”
Spittle was drooling from the corner of Al Mackey’s mouth. His right eye was closed, the left nearly so. He was unaware of her fondling his flaccid whanger. He was unaware that he had fallen asleep. She was unaware that he had fallen asleep. Then she noticed.
Al Mackey’s elbow cracked against the night table when his body hit the floor like a bag of sticks.
“I suck my teeth loose!” Amazing Grace shrieked. “For what? A fuckin FAG!”
Al Mackey didn’t know if she had taken him back to The Glitter Dome. He didn’t know what time it was. He didn’t know where he was, except that he was driving his five-year-old Pinto on the Hollywood Freeway. The next thing he did know was that a very strange thing happened: A California Highway Patrol motor cop was traveling beside him on the driver’s side, motioning for Al Mackey to come his way.
Al Mackey thought it exceedingly dangerous for the motor cop to be cruising so close to his car, so he held the steering wheel firmly in his right hand and with the left tried in vain to roll down the window. He couldn’t understand what the Chippy wanted. Maybe he’d better pull over.
Then an extraordinary thing happened. The Chip yelled at him so loudly it hurt. The motor cop said: “Get outa that fuckin wreck, asshole!”
Al Mackey decided to pull over. He could hardly see the freeway in front of him. Where were his headlights? He was suddenly aware that cars were passing him as though he was standing still.
He was standing still.
The door was opened by the enraged Chip, who grabbed the detective by the torn coat sleeve and jerked him out of the car. Al Mackey bumped his head. The roof seemed lower.
The roof was lower.
Al Mackey was standing on the freeway. There was a flare pattern behind him and several rubberneckers slowed to see what happened. The motor cop waved them past, holding Al Mackey erect by the scruff of the neck. An L.A.P.D. radio car rolled up behind them. Two cops came forward with flashlights.
“Need some help?” the younger one asked the motor cop, who at last released his hold and let Al Mackey slump against the demolished Pinto.
“I was tooling along when I see this drunk run up on the embankment,” the Chip said. “His Pinto climbs the embankment after crossing three traffic lanes. Then he rolls over a hundred and eighty degrees and comes back down on the wheels. He thinks he’s still driving when I walk up to the car!”
Al Mackey was starting to come around a bit and sensed he was in some trouble. He stepped back from the Pinto and examined it. The roof was six inches lower all the way around. The entire car was more than a foot lower since all four tires were flat. Every window was shattered and the windshield was gone. The right passenger door was lying in the lush ice plant beside the freeway. Al Mackey was unmarked except for the bump on the head he got when the motor cop pulled him out.
“Hey! It’s Sergeant Mackey!” the younger cop said. He turned to his partner. “Ron, it’s Mackey from the dicks bureau!”
“Oh shit. A cop.” The motor cop’s eyeballs rolled back under his helmet. He’d been here before. Déjà vu.
Al Mackey just couldn’t quite fit it all together. It was like the first moment of dream awakening. Things made sense and yet they didn’t. The truth was more elusive than usual at those moments.
“I think I can explain,” Al Mackey began, but he had to stop. Each step he took made him rattle. He tinkled and crunched as he walked. Windshield glass was falling from his clothing like snow. His hair was full of shattered glass. It was even in his pockets.
“Look here,” the young bluecoat said to the Chip, “we’ll call tow service for the car and get him home. He’s an okay guy. Give him a break?”
“Asshole!” the motor cop said to Al Mackey, as he stormed back to his bike, kicking up sparks with his cleated boots. He drove his fist into his saddle before climbing on and roaring away.
Al Mackey was absolutely certain that this could be explained, given a few moments to put it all together.
He stroked it again. This was the real whanger. This one he held in his hand, not the one that misfired in the Chinatown motel. And look at it, the cylinder so crusty with powder rings it could hardly turn. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had cleaned his unfailing surrogate cock. Yet this baby never misfired. If he treated the other one like this, what? Terminal scabies? More likely, treatment from some unlicensed Chinese croaker (compliments of Wing after a finder’s fee) so the Department wouldn’t charge him with Conduct Unbecoming an Officer for coming up with some kind of venereal Red Death. But it couldn’t happen. He regularly cleaned and lubricated and pampered the one that misfired.
The glass was empty. He didn’t even remember draining it. He put the six-inch Smith & Wesson service revolver on the table in front of him. Lots of people are scared of their cocks. He was only afraid of the one that didn’t work. Marty Welborn confessed that occasionally his didn’t work these days. With Marty it was probably not booze but religion. Maybe they were one and the same? In any case, he was not afraid of the surrogate on the table. He’d carried it too long.
Al Mackey staggered to his feet. The bump on his head was now marble-sized. He weaved his way across the kitchen and through the cramped boxy living room. He kicked his way through the litter: newspapers, magazines, an empty bottle of Tullamore Dew on the three-legged coffee table, which sagged whimsically, propped up by a stack of useless books on criminal law, criminal evidence, and criminal procedure. Books he had never been able to bring himself to study in all the years he had never troubled to take the lieutenant’s exam.
He looked at those books, performing their first useful function, supporting the table he had broken two weeks ago when, even drunker than tonight, he had tripped over the goddamn cat.
How he hated that ugly table. How he hated those books he’d never studied. How he would have hated being a lieutenant and sitting at a desk and sucking some captain’s ass. How he’d have hated the humilation of failing the lieutenant’s exam. God, how he hated that fucking cat.
The tomcat was standing on top of the couch hissing at him, as mean and spiteful as ever—unblinking, glaring. Then the no-name cat turned away and began sharpening his claws on top of the already shredded sofa back, just as he had every day since that rainy night five months ago when the detective took in this nasty, skulking alley cat during a bout of drunken Yuletide sentimentality.
Al Mackey watched the cat and smiled malevolently. It was perfect. It suited the mood, this blatant display of haughty destruction.
“Maybe you want to go with me?” Al Mackey said to the cat, who looked up and arrogantly ripped deeper into the fabric. Tufts of cotton began to ball up and leak out. Al Mackey turned and staggered the few steps back into the kitchen. When he returned to the ruined living room he pointed the six-inch Smith & Wesson at the blazing yellow eye.
“Right between your frigging horns,” said Al Mackey.
The striped pearly tomcat narrowed the yellow eye and responded by insolently ripping the fabric yet deeper.
“You miserable prick!” Al Mackey said.
The cat yawned. That did it.
Al Mackey kicked the lawbooks from under the coffee table. The cat arched and screamed. The bottle of Tullamore Dew went flying. Al Mackey kicked the wrecked table again and the cat went flying.
Al Mackey watched the remnant of Irish whiskey dribble out on the matted filthy Oriental rug, which like everything else in the bachelor apartment belonged to the landlady. Al Mackey heard the cat snarling as it retreated to its bed in the corner of the bathroom.
Al Mackey was ready to show the world. He went straight to the closet. He pulled a sweat shirt and two pairs of jogging shoes onto the floor. He hadn’t done any running in two years. He kicked the jogging shoes across the room. He felt the leather. He took it down from the shelf and lurched back into the kitchen, to the formica table.
This wasn’t anybody’s cock. He slid the two-inch Colt revolver from the black leather holster.
An “off-duty” gun. It was the first thing they all did twenty-two years ago, those slick-sleeved, scrubbed, and hard-muscled rookies with their big eyes and crewcuts and bags full of hope. They ran out and bought “off-duty” guns. Dodge City. The John Wayne syndrome. They wouldn’t go to the grocery store without an off-duty gun in a pocket or strapped to the armpit or ankle or at least under the seat of the family car. Never know when they might stumble onto a pursesnatch in progress. Or a burglar climbing out a neighbor’s window. Or (dare they hope?) a bandit holding up the teller in the local bank while they’re in mufti at the next window, clutching their City of Los Angeles paycheck. Then, a shoot-out! (They win, of course.) The L.A. Times. A television interview. The Medal of Valor maybe? An accelerated transfer to plainclothes. Glory.
The syndrome passes. The off-duty gun is sold, or traded for a more useful revolver, or put away into closets with youthful fantasies.
Al Mackey was such a poor marksman he always shot the pistol range with his six-inch. And though it was unwieldy, he carried it through all the years of detective duty. Not that he still expected fantasy shoot-outs—it’s just that he hated these pig-snouted, inaccurate, bullet-spraying off-duty guns, which in fact got so many Los Angeles cops into so much off-duty trouble in barrooms and bedrooms from Sunland to San Pedro.
Suddenly he pointed it at his face. This isn’t anybody’s cock. Don’t try play-sucking on this baby. This one wasn’t familiar. This one was a terrifying machine, which, if properly used, could take a three-inch shard of glistening skull and deposit it across the kitchen on the windowsill. Would that filthy cat drink his blood?
His hand began trembling. That’s why the really serious ones chew on it. Eat it. Chew on it. Put it in your mouth because the hand’s shaking too much to hold it at the eye or temple. But point it upward. He remembered so many failures: slugs lodged in the soft palate, in the jawbone, in the neck, in the ear. Every goddamn place but in the brain, where they were meant to go. Then: agony, paralysis, deterioration. Consummate failure.
He opened his mouth. He moved the two-inch closer. Chew on this baby. But the rounds are twenty-two years old. He’d never bothered to replace them. He’d never used the gun. It was dust-covered. The cylinder might be frozen. He’d wiped it off from time to time but he’d never fired it. The rounds were twenty-two years old! They probably wouldn’t ignite. The firing pin would make a nice big gouge in a dud cartridge. They’d never fire. He was only playing a game.
Okay, test it. Pull. He was drenched. The sweat slid down his cheeks. Al Mackey was only forty-three years old, but his cheeks were gray and hollow and lined. The oily rivulets followed the premature creases in his face. His hand began to steady a bit. He thought about cocking it. No, do it double action just like on the firing line. It’s only a few pounds of trigger pull. He used his thumb. These old rounds won’t fire. Possibly.
Chew on it! Eat it! Mercy!
Then he felt it. The gun slid from his fist and clattered on the formica tabletop. A warm puddle under his ass. He jumped up in horror.
“I pissed my pants!” he wailed.
The cat hissed. The phone rang.
“I pissed my pants!” he cried, in shame, degradation, disbelief.
The phone rang and rang. Gradually he heard it. He lurched into the bathroom. The cat was in bed licking his balls. It caused Al Mackey to look down at his own dripping crotch.
He moved into the bedroom with the Frankenstein gait of a man who’d pissed his pants, in slow motion toward the incessant telephone.
“Sergeant Mackey!” the landlady screamed in his ear. “It’s four o’clock in the morning!”
“Please, Mrs. Donatello.” He could only talk in an unrelenting monotone.
“I thought I could at least trust a policeman to respect my property!”
“Please, Mrs. Donatello.”
“It wouldn’t be so bad if you was a lover boy or a queer or something, but you! You make all this noise and destroy my property when you’re all alone! I never seen nothing like this before! You get in these terrible fights with your own self!”
“It wouldn’t be so bad if you was a lover boy or a queer or something, but you! You make all this noise and destroy my property when you’re all alone! I never seen nothing like this before! You get in these terrible fights with your own self!”
“Please, Mrs. Donatello.”
“I’m telling you, Sergeant Mackey. I felt sorry for you. I begged you to go to the A.A. meeting. They can help alcoholics.”
“I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, Mrs. Donatello.”
“You’re an alcoholic, Sergeant Mackey. You’re the fourth detective I had as a tenant. Three of you was alcoholics. No more cops!”
“Yes, Mrs. Donatello.”
“What did you break this time?”
“I just broke the coffee table again.”
“That’s something to be grateful for at least. Did you fall down again?”
“Yes, I fell down.”
“Do you want me to call a doctor?”
“No, an exorcist maybe.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“I want you out, Sergeant Mackey. Your apartment is filthy. And I don’t allow cats. You got too many fleas and roaches in your apartment.”
“How many fleas and roaches am I allowed, Mrs. Donatello.”
“What?”
“Nothing, Mrs. Donatello.”
“I’ll give you thirty days to find another apartment. Thirty days is enough time.”
“All the time in the world, Mrs. Donatello. More time than I’m going to need, that’s for sure.”
It grew into an enormous wet balloon of a sob. Then it exploded. He hung up the phone and began to heave. His narrow, rounded shoulders shuddered and lurched. He looked like an armless man trying to swim. He heaved desperately, unable to hold back the huge wet balloons. Each balloon burst. The tears scalded.
He stripped off his pants. The urine was already beginning to chafe and burn. He wasn’t wearing underwear.
“Where’s my underwear!” Al Mackey cried. “I left my shorts in Chinatown!” Sing that one, Tony Bennett! Oh God, for a man to lose his underwear!
The cat looked at him blankly. Much the same as Wing had looked at poor old Cal Greenberg, who couldn’t make them understand that Glenn Miller made music. The pitiless cat licked his genitals contentedly and never again glanced up at the weeping man. Even when he cried so hard he vomited in his bath water.
2
The Altar Boy
The last sun shafts cut through the stained glass like venerable swords, but quickly retreated in the face of iniquitous coppery thunderclouds. The lingering smell of incense and charcoal made him nauseous. He actually felt faint, so acrid was the cloud of smoke from the censer during the procession. Father Dominic loved plenty of smoke. Easy on the wine you poured over his tapered fingernails into the chalice, heavy on the charcoal you put in the censer. The altar boy always got dizzy blowing on the coals to get them glowing hot for the pall of somber smoke. But worse than the procession down the narrow aisle was kneeling during the Forty Hours Devotion, in an empty church, cold and shadow-shrouded, during the twilight hours when the wounded, tortured saints and martyrs loomed like bloody phantoms in the gloom. No matter how much personal pain the altar boy endured from the hours on those wooden kneelers, he could of course never begin to appreciate the awful agony suffered by those enshrined forever in paint and plaster and leaded glass.
And each time he sat for a few moments to relieve the muscle cramps, wouldn’t Sister Helen or Father Dominic appear black-robed from the dusk and remind him of an altar boy’s special obligation to endure that pain and to offer those tiny, insignificant moments of suffering as a special sacrifice to Our Lord and His Mother. Agony was a privilege, if endured without complaint and offered to Them.
The tall priest, frail as a secretary bird, would point a bony finger toward those bleeding martyrs who had been consumed by fire, stripped of flesh, ripped asunder, blinded, mutilated, buried alive. Remember Mother Superior’s tale of the candidate’s corpse disinterred by the Vatican in search for Miraculous Signs? They found hairs in the hands of the skeleton! Proof that he’d been buried alive, and despairingly ripped his hair from his own head instead of dying serenely, six feet beneath that black earth, triumphantly awaiting his last breath of air with eternal salvation guaranteed. But they found hairs in the skeleton’s hand. Not only would he never be canonized a saint, but Mother Superior feared for his very salvation, he of little faith.
“Agony is a privilege, Martin.” The priest’s penetrating tenor echoed fearfully through the ever-darkening church. “You should be grateful, Martin. Do you understand, Martin? Well? Do you? Martin? Martin?”
“Martin! Martin! Goddamnit, Martin!”
Al Mackey was loosening buckles and straps, straining at his partner’s heavier body. “Marty, you goddamned idiot!”
Then Martin Welborn was lying on the floor of his bedroom, unable to raise his head for a moment. He was uncertain where he was. He was uncertain who he was. It might be a dream or it might not, this hovering specter who was pulling him into a sitting position.
At last Martin Welborn smiled. “Tell me, Al, am I a man dreaming I’m a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming I’m a man?”
“You’re a freaking idiot, Marty, is what you are! God damn!”
“It’s remotely possible,” Martin Welborn answered.
“What the hell’re you trying to do?”
“Help me up, Al.”
The skinny detective reached under the armpits of the naked man and hoisted him to his feet. Martin Welborn put his hands out to brace against the wall, misjudged the wall’s location, staggered, and sat down on the bed.
“Marty, what is this thing?” Al Mackey demanded, pointing to the aluminum stanchions and crossbars and dangling straps standing like a gallows in Martin Welborn’s tidy bedroom.
“It’s a spine straightener. You know I have back problems.”
“Back problems. Marty, you have head problems. Worse than I guessed even.”
“Al, Al”—Martin Welborn smiled serenely, standing and slipping into underwear and pants that had been neatly placed on the bed—“this has been terrific for my lower back. I hang upside down twice a day, morning and night. I straighten out my spine and never have a moment’s fear of back pain.”
“Marty, I was banging on your door for nearly five minutes. I could hear the shower going. I figured you’d fallen in the tub. Christ, I slipped the lock!” Al Mackey held up his laminated police ID card, the corners chewed by the door latch.
“At least those cards are good for something,” Martin Welborn said, taking a starched white shirt from the mahogany chest. His cotton shirts, professionally laundered, lay folded, stacked in exact rows.
The police identification cards couldn’t even get a check cashed. Sorry, sir, my boss says driver’s licenses only. But at least they could slip a lock better than most shims. Al Mackey’s hands were trembling. He could hardly get his card back in the wallet. “Do you realize you were passed out? Your face looks like raw sirloin! If I hadn’t come in …”
“You have a flair for hyperbole, Al, my lad.” Martin Welborn grinned.
It was always “my lad, my son, my boy,” though Martin Welborn was only two years older than Al Mackey. He removed his socks from the second drawer. The pairs of socks were stacked by color shades. It looked to Al Mackey as though Martin Welborn had segregated each stack with a micrometer. When did he start this shit? Marty was never this orderly. Nobody was this orderly. Eerie. It was all getting eerie.
And it was affecting Al Mackey profoundly. Now he was getting drunk and even chewing on his gunsights! Al Mackey got a chill and shivered noticeably.
“How long you had that instrument of torture, Marty?”
“It’s a spine straightener, Al. They sell them to people with back problems.”
“Yeah, you said. I say they oughtta put them in the freak shops on Hollywood Boulevard, along with the leather masks, chains and thumbscrews. Goddamn, Marty, if I hadn’t come in …”
“Al, I hang for exactly three minutes. I was watching the time on the clock by my bed.”
“I was at the door for almost five minutes.”
“You look terrible, Al. Were you at The Glitter Dome again last night?”
“Jesus, your color’s just now coming back.”
“You should stay away from The Glitter Dome, Al.” Martin Welborn adjusted an impeccable knot in his paisley tie. “Can’t you find a happier place to drink?”
So Al Mackey gave up. He knew the non sequiturs would continue until his surrender was inevitable. He went into the kitchen of the one-bedroom apartment and opened the refrigerator. He shakily withdrew a bottle of orange juice and three eggs. He wasn’t hungry but his vitamin-starved, whiskey-ravaged body demanded food. It was different from a feeling of hunger, this relentless demand. He cracked three eggs, lost one in the sink, but managed to get the other two into a glass of orange juice.
Al Mackey pulled open the drawers looking for a spoon. Jesus! Each drawer was divided by plastic trays. Each spoon was stacked so that it could not stray from its assigned place. Ditto for forks and butter knives. Al Mackey opened the cutlery drawer: steak knives in a row pointed toward the wall. Larger cutlery pointed toward the gas range. Spoons and ladles toward the wall. Tiny blocks of wood kept every utensil in its assigned place.
Al Mackey jerked open every cupboard in the immaculate little kitchen. Each glass was polished. Not a water mark anywhere. Each rested in a specifically assigned position, from the tallest water tumbler down to the stubby whiskey glasses. The spices in the cabinet were lined up by graduating height. The symmetry was perfect.
Martin Welborn walked briskly into the kitchen. He wore a gray three-piece suit with black loafers and gray socks. Tiny patterns of red in the gray silk paisley were the only release of restraint. His heavy black hair was brushed back from a forehead not yet age-lined.
“New suit, Al. How do you like it? Do I glitter when I walk?”
“You glitter, Marty.” Al Mackey finished the glass of orange juice and egg, and studied the composure of Martin Welborn. I was watching the clock, Al.
A drop of juice glistened on Al Mackey’s chin. Martin Welborn hurried to the sink, opened a drawer, and removed a paper cocktail napkin. The dinner and cocktail napkins were stacked and arranged by size and color.
Martin Welborn dabbed the drop of juice from Al Mackey’s chin. Then he showed Al Mackey his handsome, boyish smile and said, “We’d better hurry, my lad. Captain Woofer’s just a wee bit testy these days.”
Captain Woofer had reason to be testy. It had been a very bad year in many ways. One L.A. cop had been arrested in a foreign country, charged with smuggling cocaine. Another had been shot, but not by a bad guy. The wounded cop was the bad guy and had been shot down trying to escape capture. Then there was a new scandal involving vice cops accused of providing protection for bookmakers. And last, but by no means least, there was an extraordinary number of controversial cases involving the shooting of unarmed suspects by police, along with mistaken-identity shootings.
This was reputed to be the most professional police force in America. The media demanded explanations. Deputy Chief Julian Francis decided he had the explanation, at least for police corruption. He had decided to visit every Los Angeles police station personally and try it out on both uniformed and plainclothes personnel before asking the Super Chief’s permission to call a press conference.
Deputy Chief Francis was already getting up a head of steam when Al Mackey and Martin Welborn tiptoed into the squadroom of Hollywood Detectives, five minutes late.
“The cause of our misfortune is apparent,” Deputy Chief Francis was saying. “The breakdown of family, church, and patriotism is at the root of all these misfortunes.”
So, while thirty detectives let their chins drop on their collarbones, or failed to control the eyeballs sliding back into pain-ravaged skulls (thirteen detectives had hangovers, last night being payday), Al Mackey and Martin Welborn crept to the table belonging to the homicide teams and braced for the family-church-country speech.
Deputy Chief Francis was not about to alter that one. He’d been making the same speech for twenty-nine years. It had impressed the selection board when he applied to become a policeman, just as it had every promotion board since he’d made sergeant twenty-one years ago without having worked more than two months on the street. It hadn’t been easy convincing a triumvirate of cigar-mangling, potbellied inspectors in those early days that he should be promoted over the street cops, even though as the speech writer for the chief of police he had composed some of the finest hell-and-sulphur ditties this side of J. Edgar Hoover. But even with those hard-drinking promotion boards of bygone days, the family-church-country oratory had never failed. It put a lump in the throat and tears in men’s eyes, or so Deputy Chief Francis was convinced.
It made poor old Cal Greenberg want to puke. His hangover was worse than Al Mackey’s. The old burglary detective had his head in both hands and stared past Deputy Chief Francis. The curse of The Glitter Dome. He looked like he couldn’t frost a mirror. Al Mackey reached over and sympathetically patted poor old Cal Greenberg’s shoulder. There, there.
The seemingly comatose detective never felt it. He was listening to his own private Glenn Miller concert. He had but to blink his eyes to switch from String of Pearls to Little Brown Jug.
The only variation in the theme of Deputy Chief Francis this year was that he had fallen in love with the buzzword “impacted.” Everything was either “impacted on” or “impacted by.” The immorality of the outlaw cops, exploited by the media, came as the direct result of the cops being impacted by the deterioration of family, church, country. And so forth.
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