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First published 2016
Copyright © Marina Lewycka, 2016
Jacket Design: © gray318
The moral right of the author has been asserted
ISBN: 978-0-141-93249-1
By the Same Author
Berthold: Sweet sherry
Violet: Curtains
Berthold: A blue butterfly
Violet: Mary Atiemo
Berthold: Mrs Penny
Berthold: Daffodils
Violet: Karen
Berthold: Silk
Berthold: George Clooney
Violet: Pictures
Berthold: Luxury modern skyscrounger
Violet: Risk
Berthold: Unaccommodated man
Violet: Gillian
Berthold: Slatki
Violet: Cherry blossom
Berthold: Wrest ’n’ Piece
Berthold: Jimmy the Dog
Violet: La Maison Suger
Berthold: What a piece of work is a man
Violet: Planning
Violet: A patch of grass and a few cherry trees
Berthold: A coffee jar
Violet: Towel
Berthold: Mud
Berthold: Gauze and ashes
Violet: Dralon
Berthold: Gobby Gladys
Violet: Seven dwarves
Berthold: May 6th
Violet: Niha
Berthold: L’Heure Bleue
Violet: Cholera big leak
Berthold: Silk pyjamas
Berthold: Candlewick dressing gown
Violet: Placards
Berthold: Birdcage
Berthold: Slapski
Violet: Horace Nzangu
Berthold: Money troubles
Berthold: Eustachia
Violet: Luigi’s
Berthold: The Scottish play
Violet: Chainsaw
Berthold: Chainsaw
Violet: Len
Berthold: My crappy jokes
Violet: Print
Berthold: Odessa
Berthold: Smøk & Miras
Violet: Decisions
Berthold: Bertie Bean
Violet: East Croydon
Berthold: Swish swish
Berthold: Stacey
Berthold: Cherry cutter
Berthold: Priory Green
Berthold: Lucky
Berthold: Teddies
Violet: Karibu
Berthold: Pigeon fancy
Berthold: Benefit fraud
Violet: Kenya AA
Berthold: A perfect day out
Violet: Bulbul
Violet: Kibera
Berthold: Happiness
Violet: The chair
Berthold: A flat in Hampstead
Violet: Flamboyant
Berthold: Gravity
Acknowledgements
Follow Penguin
A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian
Two Caravans
We Are All Made of Glue
Various Pets Alive and Dead
For Kira, Maya and Yanja
‘Nothing is too good for ordinary people.’
Berthold Lubetkin, architect of the
Finsbury Health Centre, 1938
‘Don’t let them get the flat, Bertie!’ gasped my mother as they carried her away on the stretcher, clutching my hand as though she was clinging on to dear life itself. Through a haze of grief, regret and Lidl own-brand sweet sherry, I played the ghastly scene over and over in my head, sifting my memory for details.
It had started out like any other day, with an early morning walk to pick up the newspaper and a pint of milk. I stopped for a latte at Luigi’s on the way back, one of my small indulgences – one of the very few, I should add – the intense aroma of coffee a blast of pleasure in my unexciting world. I finished, paid and stepped out on to the pavement when suddenly a white van sped up out of nowhere. A pigeon that was foraging for scraps on the road a few feet away couldn’t lift off fast enough. I heard the thud of impact. The bird fell, stunned, then it started desperately batting with one wing. I could see that the next passing vehicle would make it roadkill so I bent to pick it up. It flapped and struggled in my hands but I gripped it tight and carried it to the garden at the front of our block of flats, where I set it down on the grass under a cherry tree. As it fluttered away, I noticed it only had one leg; a raw pink stump protruded from the grubby under-feathers where the other should have been. One of life’s little casualties – like me.
As soon as I entered the flat, I sensed that something was wrong. Flossie, our African grey parrot, was hopping from foot to foot in her cage squawking in her strange dalek voice.
‘God is dead! First of March, 1932!’
Mum had still been in bed when I went out, but now she was sprawled on the carpet in the living room, her eyes closed, a thin sour-smelling drool leaking from her mouth. The sherry bottle on the table was half empty. I felt a twinge of anxiety, sharpened by irritation. Oh fuck, it was only nine o’clock and she’d been at the bottle already.
‘Mum? Are you okay?’
‘You’re on your own now, son.’ As I leaned to button a cardigan around her shoulders, she grasped my hand.
‘Don’t let them get the flat, Bertie!’
‘Who, Mum, who?’
She sighed and closed her eyes. Most likely she’d overdosed on sherry – it had happened before – but I called the doctor just in case.
Dr Brandeskievich, a whiskery old cove who I suspect had once been Mother’s lover, applied the stethoscope to her chest with more diligence than seemed strictly necessary, all the while making tutting noises that got trapped like the morsels of breakfast in the thicket of his moustache.
‘Poor little Lily. Better send you off to hospital.’
While he called an ambulance, I packed an overnight bag for her.
‘Don’t forget my make-up, Bertie!’
Mother’s vanity was endearing. Yesterday you’d have said she looked good for her eighty-two years, but today everything about her was altered – her cheeks and lips had lost their colour and her eyes seemed to have shrunk deeper into her skull, so she didn’t look like my mother at all but a tired stranger acting out an impersonation. How had this sudden change come about? It had crept up on her so gradually that I had not noticed the point at which my indomitable mother had become a frail old lady.
Then the ambulance arrived and two guys lifted her on to a stretcher. I watched them out of the window walking the stretcher down the winding path through the cherry grove. A gust of wind lifted the blanket, and Mother’s white nightdress fluttered like a moth. I felt a sob rising in my throat.
Dr Brandeskievich laid a steadying hand on my shoulder. ‘Let me know if you need something to help you sleep.’
As the sound of the siren faded in the street outside, a sinister silence of bottled-up anxiety settled over the flat; even Flossie was quiet as if listening for her mistress’s voice. They have a strange Dom‒sub relationship, those two. In her bedroom, the lingering scent of L’Heure Bleue and a trail of discarded clothing on the floor accentuated her absence: fluffy high-heeled mules; a white cashmere shawl with visible moth-holes; a cream silk slip with a mysterious brown stain; a pair of creased satin French camiknickers. There was something queasy about this wanton display of my mother’s undergarments. I left them where they were and went and made myself a tinned tuna and lettuce sandwich in the kitchen.
Later that day I phoned the hospital – it was the same hospital she had retired from more than twenty years ago – to be told that Mother was asleep and comfortable now; I could visit her on the ward tomorrow. After I’d put the phone down, the silence in the flat jangled in my ears. I wished I had taken up the doctor’s offer of sleeping tablets, but I had to make do with half a bottle of Mother’s sweet sherry, which made me feel nauseous without sending me to sleep.
‘Goodnight, Flossie.’
I tucked her in under a tablecloth to keep her quiet during the night, as Mother used to do.
‘Goodnight, Flossie!’ she replied.
The morning sunlight pouring in through the window wakes Violet much too early. The previous tenants seem to have taken everything – even the curtains. She dives back down under the duvet which Jessie lent her. It’s warm in bed but the flat is cold, and she needs a pee. The carpet under her bare feet feels sticky and the smell from the bathroom is disgusting.
Still, it feels good to have her own place after a month of sleeping on Jessie’s sofa, and the daily commute from Croydon was a grind. This ex-council flat in Madeley Court is fifteen minutes by bus from her office. It’ll do for now.
She cleans her teeth, then splashes cold water on her face, pats it dry on her T-shirt – her towel is still in her suitcase – and smiles at her reflection in the smeared mirror screwed to the wall. Despite the dishevelled hair and the zombie-like smudges of mascara around her eyes, she likes what she sees: a young woman with a quick smile, white teeth and healthy skin; a young black woman, twenty-three today, who has just started a good job at a respected City firm, a job she has trained for and worked for; a job she thinks she deserves, but can hardly believe she has got. What she really needs now is a coffee.
There’s no coffee and not even a kettle in the kitchen, but a chaos of takeaway boxes with mouldy remnants of food and broken plastic cutlery sticking out, jumbled together with half-empty drinks bottles, fag ends, scratch cards, socks, trainers, a pair of underpants, opened tins, packets of crisps, pizza crusts … her eyes glaze over. The people before her were students. Boys. Typical. Back in the bedroom, which turns out to be not a bedroom at all but the flat’s living room with three beds in it, she pulls on her clothes, locks the door behind her, and goes downstairs in search of coffee.
A block away on the main road is a small brown-painted café with a striped awning called Luigi’s. She orders a double cappuccino with a croissant and gets out her laptop to check her emails. There is a flurry of messages from her friends, some with ecards attached, and one from her mother wishing her ‘Happy Birthday’ and good luck in her new job.
Thanks, she writes back, I’ll need it. Her role is trainee account manager in the International Insurance Department of Global Resource Management where her boss is the formidable Gillian Chalmers, a small steely woman with a quiet voice and a tough reputation, who grilled her during her interview and seemed displeased at all her answers. The other interviewer was Marc Bonnier who heads up the Wealth Preservation Unit, who was almost as intimidating as Gillian, despite his chin dimple and a twinkling smile that reminds her of Jude Law. Her friend Jessie once told her that a chin dimple is a sign of sensitivity in a male. It would be nice to work for him, she thinks.
At the next table in the café, an elderly man is nursing a latte in a glass cup and reading the Guardian. He has a baldish head and a morose expression on his face. Jessie’s mum once said that reading the Guardian makes you morose compared with the Telegraph. Maybe he does not know this. Apart from him the café is empty. On the main road, buses and lorries are thundering past, but Luigi’s is calm and cosy, with soul music playing quietly in the background, the gentle hiss of the coffee machine and the rustle of the old man’s newspaper. She finishes her coffee, and is about to go in search of some rubber gloves and a load of bin liners to start clearing the flat, but instead she gets out her phone and calls the agency in a cool assertive voice that matches her new status as a City worker.
‘The flat has been left in a disgusting condition. Please send someone round to clear up and make it fit for habitation. Thank you so much.’ Ha! That feels good.
Then she sits down and orders another coffee.
Next day I cycled over to the hospital, locked up my bike against the railings and stowed my cycle clips in my anorak pocket. The ward was on the first floor, at the end of a long corridor that smelled of antiseptic and had branches named for unpleasant-sounding procedures like Spectroscopy, Oral Surgery, Trauma. In my experience hospitals are like condemned cells, best avoided, but sometimes you have no choice.
It took me a moment to recognise the frail, dishevelled old woman propped up in bed as my mother. Her appearance shocked me. Dishcloth-grey hair, limp and uncombed, pink lipstick that overshot the edges of her mouth, a dab of bright blue eye shadow on one eyelid but not the other. Dear Mum: even in extremis, she was still trying to look her best.
‘Bertie! Get me out of here!’
‘How are you, Mum?’
I handed over my bag of grapes and kissed her, continental style, on both cheeks. The ritual of gallantry perked her up.
‘There’s nothing wrong with me, Berthold.’ She swivelled her eyes around the ward. ‘I want to go in an NHS hospital.’
‘This is an NHS hospital. You used to work here, remember?’
‘No, I used to work up Homerton.’ Her blue-shadowed eyelid fluttered like a lost butterfly. ‘They’re trying to kill me, Bertie. To get the flat.’ The spark of conspiracy brightened her eyes.
‘Nonsense. They wouldn’t …’
But maybe they would. A stab of panic caught me between the ribs. Mum had always promised that after she died the flat she had rented from the Council, ever since it was built in the 1950s, would pass to me. But lately she had started muttering darkly that there was a plot to take it away from us.
‘It’s global capitalism that done this to me, son.’
‘It’s probably just sherry, Mum.’
‘I didn’t touch a drop, Bertie. Nor any food.’ She sat up, hitching up her nightie with agitated hands. ‘They’re starving me to death. All you get in here is a few lettuce leaves and a pot of yoghurt. And bloody fresh fruit. In the NHS you get tinned peaches in syrup.’ She glanced dismissively at my grapes. ‘Did you bring my ciggies, son?’
‘I don’t think you’re allowed to smoke in hospital.’
‘That’s what I mean. They’re killing me. It would never happen in the NHS.’
At that moment, a violent spasm of coughing from the next bed made us both turn around. An ancient crone with grey, wrinkled skin was clearing her throat with a horrible outpouring of phlegm into a cardboard receptacle on her bedside table.
‘Shut up, Inna,’ said Mother. ‘That sound is disgusting. This is my son, Berthold, come to see me. Say hello.’
‘Nuh, Mister Berthold.’ The crone peered at me between drapes of long silver hair and held out a hand as bony as a bunch of twigs. ‘You lucky you ev lovely son, Lily. Nobody come visiting to me.’
‘Stop moaning. Don’t be a Moaning Minnie,’ said Mum. ‘Keep on the sunny side!’ Her voice quavered into her favourite song, which I remembered from childhood. ‘Always on the sunny side!’
‘Sunny side! Ha ha! No sunny side round here, Lily.’ The crone struck out defiantly on her highway of negativity. ‘Too many bleddy foreigners. Every day somebody get dead.’
‘They’re dying because it’s private.’ Mother pursed her lips severely. ‘It’s wrong to be racist, Inna. We should be grateful to all those coloured people leaving their own sunny climes to come and work for us.’
‘Aha! Good you tell me is privat.’ Inna smoothed her sheet with her twiggy hands. ‘I was think we in Any Cheese.’
‘No,’ asserted Mum. ‘There’s less death in the NHS.’
‘That doctor got pink tie.’ The old lady pointed at a young doctor leaning over an elderly cardiac arrest at the far end of the ward, and whispered, ‘Pink mean homosexy?’
‘It don’t make no difference what he is,’ replied Mum. ‘Being queer don’t harm nobody.’
‘You always right, Lily.’ Inna cleared her throat and spat again. ‘Good you tell me. I know nothing. In my country everybody normal.’
Then her eyes rested curiously on me and on the crimson T-shirt I was wearing, now faded to a dusky pink from years of washing.
‘Take no notice,’ Mother murmured to me, ‘she’s from Ukraine, like my Lucky. Got beetroots on the brain. Emphasism. She gets everything mixed up. Don’t you, Inna?’
The crone’s wrinkles realigned themselves merrily like an obscure script on her aged face. ‘Better mix it up than dead!’
‘We’re all dead in the end.’ Suddenly, Mother reached for my hand, and pulled me down close to whisper in my ear. ‘Are you thinking of getting married again, son? You might need someone to look after you, if I don’t come out of here alive.’
‘Ssh. Don’t talk like that, Mum. You’re going to get better.’
This talk about marrying again had me worried, for Mother had always been hostile towards any woman I brought home ‒ especially Stephanie, my acerbically beautiful ex-wife, on whom I had doted beyond the normal call of husbandly duty. Stephanie had realised right from the start that Mother was her only serious rival and the two had regarded each other with mutual loathing scarcely concealed under a mask of kiss-kissy politeness. When we had finally divorced, Stephanie handed me over into the care of my mother like a recycled mattress whose springs have gone: ‘You can have him back, Lily. All yours. He’s completely fucked.’ Now it sounded as though Mother was preparing to pass me on again.
‘The doctor said …’ she pointed in Dr Pink-tie’s direction, ‘he said I’ve got …’ she rummaged in her memory for the right phrase, ‘a fibreglass atrium.’ The words sailed out with an air of adventure like a galleon with sails puffed by the wind. ‘Atrium! Who’d have guessed it? In Madeley Court! My Berthold always said he wanted to put an atrium in there. Or a skylight.’
There was no atrium in Madeley Court, the block of council flats where we lived, though there was a grimy skylight over the stairwell. And Mother’s claim that she’d had a passionate affair with Berthold Lubetkin, the architect who designed the block after the war, probably had as much substance as the atrium.
‘It’s there somewhere, Bert. Under the sofa, I think,’ she insisted. Poor Mum, I thought, she’s really losing it. Who ever heard of a skylight under a sofa?
I squeezed her hand and murmured, ‘Light, seeking light, doth light of light beguile.’
‘Ah! You can’t go wrong with Shakespeare! Did you hear that, Inna? Shakespeare, the Immortal Bard? Say some more, Bertie!’
‘Why, all delights are vain; but that most vain, which with pain purchased doth inherit pain …’ I repeated Biron’s speech.
The crone looked baffled. ‘Is Pushkin, no?’
‘See what I mean?’ said Mother. ‘Emphasism. Now, Inna, sing us one of your foreign songs.’
The old woman cleared her throat, spat and started to drone: ‘Povee veetre na-a Ukrainou … Is beautiful song of love from my country. De zalishil yah-ah-ah …’
The other patients were craning in their beds to see what the racket was. Then the pink-tie doctor came up to the bedside consulting his notes. He looked hardly out of his teens, with tousled hair and long pointed shoes that needed a polish.
‘Are you Mr … er … Lukashenko?’
This was not the time to go into the complexities of Mother’s marital history.
‘No. I’m her son. Berthold Sidebottom.’
For some ignorant people, the name Sidebottom is a cause of mirth. The teen-doctor was one of those. In fact Sidebottom is an ancient Anglo-Saxon location name meaning ‘broad valley’, originating, it is believed, from a village in Cheshire.
The doctor smirked behind his hand, straightened his tie and explained that my mother had atrial fibrillation. ‘I asked her how many she smokes. Her heart isn’t in good shape,’ he said in a low voice.
‘What did she say?’
‘She said first of March, 1932.’
‘That’s her birthday. She was eighty-two recently. I’m not sure how many she smokes, she keeps it secret – doesn’t want to set me a bad example.’
The teen-doctor scratched behind his ear. ‘We’d better keep her in for a few days, Mr … er … Lukashenko.’ He glanced down at his notes.
‘Sidebottom. Lukashenko was her husband.’
‘Mr Sidebottom. Hum. Have you noticed any variation in her behaviour recently? Any forgetfulness, for example?’
‘Variation? Forgetfulness? I couldn’t say.’ I myself have found that a bit of selective amnesia can be helpful in coping with the vicissitudes of life. ‘Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety,’ I said.
To my embarrassment, my eyes filled with tears. I thought back over the years I’d lived in the flat at the top of Madeley Court with my mother, assorted husbands and lovers, the politics, the sweet sherry, the parrot. In my recollection, she’d rambled a bit at the best of times, but the core of her had been steadfast as a rock. ‘Shakespeare,’ I said. The teen-doctor looked miffed, as if I’d been trying to get one up on him, so I added, ‘When you live with someone, you don’t always notice the changes. They hap-pen so gradually.’
‘You still live with your mother?’
I detected a note of derision in his callow voice. Probably he was too wet behind the ears to understand how suddenly everything you take for granted can fall apart. You can reach half a century in age, you can have some modest success in your profession, you can go through life with all its ups and downs – mainly the latter, in my case – and still end up living with your mother. One day it could even happen to you, clever Dr Pointy-toes. People come and go in your life but your mother’s always there – until one day she isn’t any more. I was filled with regret for all the times I’d been irritated with her or taken her for granted.
‘Yes. We sup-port each other.’ My old stutter was spluttering into life. Must be the stress.
Mum had slipped further down the bed. Her breathing was laboured. A frail filament of saliva glimmered between her open lips like a reminder of the transience of life. She let out a shuddering moan, ‘First of March, 1932!’ The filament snapped.
The doctor dropped his voice to a murmur. ‘Of course we’ll do all we can, but I think she may not be with us very long.’
Panic seized me. Big questions raced into my mind and took up fisticuffs with each other. How long was very long? Why did this have to happen to her just now? Why did it have to happen to me? Had I been a satisfactory son? How would I manage without her? What would happen to the parrot? What would happen to the flat?
The teen-doctor moved away and the ward sister sailed up, shapely and black, a starched white cap riding like a clipper on the dark sea of her curls. ‘We need to change her catheter now. Can you give us a minute, Mr Lukashenko?’
‘Side-b-bottom.’
‘Sidebottom?’
Our eyes met, and I was struck by how beautiful hers were, large and almond-shaped, with sweeping lashes. The beast in my pants stirred. Oh God, not now. I withdrew outside the drapes, thinking I’d better find the canteen and have a calming cup of tea, when from the next bed the old woman hissed, ‘Hsss! Stay. Sit. Talk. Nobody visit me. I am all alone.’
As a penance for my unruly thoughts, I pulled up my chair closer to her bed and cleared my throat. It’s hard to know how to strike up conversation with a total stranger who thinks you are gay. Maybe I should put her right?
‘You think people who wear pink are homosexual. Well, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being homosexual, but –’
‘Aha! No problem, Mister Bertie,’ the old woman interrupted. ‘No problem wit me. Everyone is children of God. Even Lenin has permitted it.’
‘Yes of course, but –’ I really needed that cup of tea.
‘You mama, Lily, say we must treat all people like own family. She like good Soviet woman. Always look at sunny side, Inna, she say.’
‘Yes, Mother’s a very special person.’ I glanced at the curtain around her bed, my heart pinched between anxiety and tenderness. There seemed to be a lot of whispering and clattering going on. ‘What about your family, Inna?’
‘Not homosexy. My husband, Dovik, Soviet citizen,’ Inna declared. ‘But dead.’ She leaned over and spat into her bowl.
‘Oh, I’m sorry!’ I put on a faux-sympathetic voice, like Gertrude in Hamlet, trying to avert my eyes from the revolting greenish fluid that was lapping at the cardboard edges of her bowl.
‘Why for you sorry? You not killed him.’
‘No, indeed not, but –’
‘Killed by olihark wit poison! I living alone. Olihark knocking at door. Oy-oy-oy!’ This sounded delusional. She fixed me with dark agitated eyes. ‘Every day cooking golabki kobaski slatki, but nobody it wit since Dovik got dead.’ She wiped her nose on the sheet. ‘Husband Dovik always too much smoking. I got emphaseema. Heating expensive. My flat too much cold.’ She reached for my hand with her dry twiggy fingers and gave it a flirtatious squeeze. ‘You mama tell me she got nice flat from boyfriend. Now she worry if she will die they take away flat for under-bed tax and you will live homeless on street.’ Behind the silver curtain of hair, her eyes were watching me, dark and beady. What Mother been telling her?
Mother had lived in the flat since it was built in 1952, and she used to tell me with misty eyes that Berthold Lubetkin, the architect who designed it, had promised it would be a home for ever for her and her children. But since then the buggers hadn’t built enough new homes to keep up with the demand, she fumed, and the ones instigated by the council leader, Alderman Harold Riley, and built by Lubetkin’s firm Tecton had been flogged off to private landlords – like the flat next door, which had once belonged to a dustman called Eric Perkins and now belonged to a property company who filled it with foreign students who played music all night and littered the lift with takeaway boxes.
‘Under-bed tax?’ Could they make me move out because of that?
‘Is new tax for under-bed occupant.’
I kept mainly dog-eared scripts, odd socks and back copies of The Stage under my bed. Nothing you could call an occupant.
‘You mama very much worrying about break-up of post-war sensors. She say it make her sick in heart to think they take away her apartment and put you into street. This tax is work of Satan, she say. Mister Indunky Smeet. You know this devil-man?’
‘Not personally.’
I’d heard of course of something called a bedroom tax, which Mother described variously as an affront to human decency, the final death-blow to the post-war consensus, and a pretext for squeezing more money out of poor people who happened to have a spare bedroom. But it never occurred to me that it might apply to me, so I hadn’t taken much notice. I did recall Mum and Flossie swearing at some minister on the television news recently; though, to be fair, this was not an uncommon occurrence. I sympathised with her righteous anger, of course, but I had my own problems to contend with, and you can’t just live in a permanent stew of rage, can you?
‘But I tell her no worry, Lily, this under-bed tax for lazies scrounging in bed all day. You hard-working decent, Mister Bertie?’ She eyed me sideways.
‘Oh yes. Absolutely.’
‘What work you working, Mister Bertie?’
‘Actually, I’m an actor.’
I always dread this question. It raises such expectations.
‘Aha! Like George Clooney!’ Inna cooed. ‘You mekking film?’
‘I’m mainly a stage actor. Best known for my Shakespearean roles. And some television.’ If you can count a stint as a proud football dad in a washing-powder advert back in 1999. ‘But I’m not working at present.’
The old woman was still impressed. ‘I never met actor before. I would like met wit George Clooney. He got nice eyes. Nice smile. Nice teeth. Everything nice.’ She pursed her lips and discharged some more green phlegm. I looked away.
Bloody George Clooney. If he and I didn’t happen to share a common birthday, I probably wouldn’t care; in fact I probably wouldn’t even notice him. As it was, I couldn’t help comparing his success with mine (lack of). Of course someone who has dedicated his life to Art, as I have, cannot expect to wallow in the excesses of materialism. We have our spiritual consolations. But still, it would be nice to have more than an occasional latte at Luigi’s to look forward to.
Take the case in point: it was George bloody Clooney with his affected smile and clean-cut chin that this old crone lusted after; yet it was I, Sidebottom, who sat here at her wretched bedside watching her phlegm-bowl fill to overflowing. How could that be fair?
The beautiful nurse was still making busy sounds behind Mum’s curtain. It seemed to have been going on a very long time.
Inna’s hands fiddled with the sheet. She gave me a sly look. ‘You got good apartment. Your mother tell me about her.’
‘Yes, it’s a nice flat. Top floor.’
‘Aha! Top floor, good flat, bad lift. She say lift always broken, nobody repair her because she got hysterity.’
‘Hysterity?’ It’s true the lift was getting cranky but I personally would have described it as unreliable rather than hysterical.
‘She say banks made creases we give money. Now banks got all our money we get hysterity.’
‘Ah, you mean austerity! There’s a lot of it around nowadays.’
‘Yes. Hysterity. You mama explain to me. Very clever lady. Almost like Soviet economist.’
‘Well, I wouldn’t go so far –’
‘She love this flat, you mama. It is so beautiful, she say, she got it from arshitek boyfriend.’
Why was she going on about the flat? What had Mother been saying? Suddenly she crossed herself and fell silent, listening. I listened too. Behind the curtains around Mother’s bed a machine had been beeping constantly. Now in the silence I became aware that the sound was becoming intermittent. There was a flurry of scurrying and scuffling and low voices talking in urgent whispers.
Suddenly the nurse drew back the curtains, and murmured, ‘Mr Lukashenko, your mother has taken a turn for the worse.’
I leaned over her and peered into her dear old face, so familiar yet so mysterious, already sealed behind the glass wall of the departure lounge, checked in for the one-way journey to the undiscovered country.
‘Mum. Mum, it’s me, Bertie. I’m with you.’ I took her hand.
Mum let out a long rattling sigh. A single blue butterfly fluttered on the withered garden of her face. Pulling herself up in bed with immense effort, she gripped my arm and drew me down towards her, to whisper into my ear, ‘Don’t let them get the flat, Berthold!’ Then she fell back on the pillows with a groan.
Violet doesn’t plan on staying in the flat for long. When she’s saved up some money from her amazing salary, she’ll find something better – not a council flat. This place is convenient for work, and she was lucky to get it at short notice, but she viewed it in a hurry and didn’t notice how tatty the decor was and how rough the neighbourhood. On the day she arrived she watched someone being carried out on a stretcher. And there are those strange alarming shrieks from the flat next door, which sound like someone possessed by a shetani. Besides, it’s too big for one person. The smooth-talking estate agent had persuaded her it would be easy to find some room-mates, but now she isn’t sure she’s ready for another flat share after her last disastrous experience.
When she first came to London, she’d done casual office work and waitressing to fund her internship with an NGO and shared a zero-housework flat in Hammersmith with a girl from Singapore and two boys from uni, one of whom was her boyfriend, Nick. The Singaporean girl, who used to borrow her clothes, eventually borrowed Nick too. She came home early one day to find them having a shower together.
Her friend Jessie, who had just moved into a flat in Croydon with her boyfriend, let her sleep on the sofa in the sitting room. But a month on a sofa is a long time.
The agency that found her this flat in Madeley Court specialises in student lettings, and it is furnished with seven narrow beds, seven desks, seven wooden chairs, seven small chests of drawers, and a small round table in the kitchen. How did seven people squeeze into here? Maybe they were dwarves? She smiles, remembering the movie she saw with Jessie, when they were both at primary school in Bakewell.
When she got the flat, Jessie lent her a spare duvet, pillows, a set of yellow crockery and a frying pan. She texts Jessie a ‘Thank You’, with a picture of yellow crockery on the kitchen shelf.
She opens another door off the sitting room/bedroom, and finds it leads out on to a balcony with a view – she hadn’t expected that. Leaning on the parapet, looking down on the flowering tops of the cherry trees and the splashes of yellow from the daffodils in the verges, she breathes deeply and closes her eyes. The sunlight on her skin touches her memory with the view from her grandmother’s veranda in Langata, Nairobi, the Nandi Flame trees and the dazzling blood lilies. It’s been a long while since she remembered that time in her childhood. A man with a bald head is pushing his bicycle across the green. Looks like the same old guy she saw in Luigi’s. Maybe he lives nearby.
She’s only been in her new job for a month – thinking of it still makes her stomach flip with excitement. Tonight she’s meeting up with her friends at the Lazy Lounge to celebrate her birthday. So now is her only chance to sort out her flat and explore her new neighbourhood. She puts on her trainers and decides to go out for a run while the weather holds.
It’s a mixed sort of area, where old-fashioned terraces rub shoulders with scruffy council estates, little artsy shops, galleries and studios tucked up the side streets, and further away a lively street market. She passes several building sites bristling with cranes where modern offices and apartments are shooting up, and from time to time she catches the dark gleam of a river or canal threading its way between the streets.
In terms of clothes shops the area is disappointing, but there are plenty of cafés and eateries with cheap and interesting menus, two supermarkets – Lidl close by and Waitrose a bit further away. She stocks up in both places, spending freely, especially on treats for herself. She buys a kettle in a quaint little hardware store halfway up a side street, where she also splurges on a cafetière. As an afterthought she buys a blue plastic bucket with a mop, a dustpan and brush, some rubber gloves and detergent, just in case the agency cleaner never shows up.
By the time she’s unpacked her shopping there’s still no sign of the cleaner, and she is resigned to doing it herself. But first she plugs in the kettle to try it out, and spoons coffee – Kenya AA of course – into the cafetière.
Just as she pours on the water and breathes in the dark aroma, the doorbell rings. A young black girl is standing there, so young and skinny she looks like only a kid, wearing a blue overall and carrying a mop and bucket, a brush and some rubber gloves. Violet peers at her name badge: Homeshine Sanitary Contractors. Mary Atiemo. That’s a Kenyan name.
‘Cleaning contractor,’ says the girl with a broad smile. Her front tooth is chipped. Violet’s grandmother Njoki used to say that dental deficiency is a sign of untrustworthiness. She was full of funny ideas like that.
‘You’re late,’ says Violet. ‘I was just going to do it myself.’
‘Sorry, please,’ says the girl. ‘No bus. Please, let me clean it for you. No clean, no pay today.’
Tears well into her eyes. Violet hesitates. She looks a bit useless, lost in her too-big uniform, twig thin, smaller than the mop she’s carrying, this scrap of a girl standing on the grey concrete walkway, with a grey thundery sky looming behind her.
‘Where are you from?’
‘Kenya. Nairobi,’ Mary Atiemo says. ‘Kibera. You know Kenya?’
‘I was born in Nairobi,’ she replies. She remembers Kibera; it’s a slum not far from her grandmother’s house. Once or twice she glimpsed its dirty twisted alleys from the back seat of the car and shuddered. How has this slum girl from that wretched insanitary place got to be a ‘sanitary contractor’ in London, standing here on her doorstep just as she’s standing on the doorstep of her exciting new life? It seems a bad omen, as if the past won’t let her go.
‘My mother is Kenyan,’ she adds, to put the girl at ease.
The girl’s smile widens till it takes up half her face. ‘Shikamoo.’
‘Marahaba,’ Violet replies, cringing at the deference in the girl’s voice.
Suddenly a clap of thunder rattles the rooftops, and rain sheets down like a monsoon.
‘You’d better come in. I’ve just made some coffee. Would you like some? It’s from Kenya.’
Mary Atiemo nods. ‘That would be fine. In my home we only used to drink tea.’
Despite her small size, Mary Atiemo is a wizard of a cleaner. She sweeps the floors, bags the garbage, then fills up the bucket at the sink, squirts in some detergent, sloshes it around the floor, and chases it furiously with the mop. Scraps of food, shreds of grime, cigarette butts, every type of filth, all float up on the frothy water to be captured in the strands of the mop, swirled into the bucket and flushed down the loo. She cleans the grey fingerprints off the woodwork, the grime off the cooker, the yellow stains off the toilet, and the black ring around the bath. Just watching makes Violet feel exhausted and she thinks, with her new salary, it would be nice to have a cleaner to come in once in a while.
‘Do you have a phone number?’ she asks the girl. ‘Maybe you can come and clean another time.’
The girl looks embarrassed. ‘We’re not allowed to have a phone. Mr Nzangu doesn’t let us work for somebody else. But give me your number, please, and I’ll get in touch when I can.’
She writes down her name and number on a bit of paper. The girl slips it into the pocket of her overall, gathers up her cleaning things and disappears out into the rain.
Mrs Penny, the Council’s housing officer, was twenty minutes late. I’d tried to telephone to cancel her visit of course, feeling too devastated to do battle with the tentacles of bureaucracy so soon after Mother’s sudden death, but the Town Hall phone was constantly engaged and I gave up in the end. Well, it was probably best to get the tenancy business out of the way sooner rather than later. At last the doorbell rang. Ding dong!
‘Ding dong! First of March, 1932! Ding dong!’ Flossie chimed, to make absolutely bloody sure I’d heard.
Mrs Penny stood on the doorstep, reaching out her hand.
‘Mr Madeley?’
Should I correct her? I let it pass, and took her pale manicured hand. It was like shaking a lettuce leaf out of the fridge – cold and limp, not what you’d expect from such a warm solid-looking woman.
‘Come in. Come in. I appreciate your …’ What exactly did I appreciate? ‘Your hair.’
Her hair was shiny and a slightly unnatural copper colour, swept up in a curled ponytail with a deep fringe and long curled sideburns, sort of country-and-western singer meets rabbi. She ignored my comment and advanced into the entrance hall, releasing a powerful floral perfume in her wake. Was she my type? She was in her fifties, I guessed, not unattractive for her age, but way too old for me. She was a bit plump, too, though her high-heeled shoes made her legs look shapely. A saucy pink silk scarf was tucked into the lapels of her municipal-colour raincoat.
‘It’s ages since I’ve been in one of these big old family flats.’ Her voice was pleasant and low, with a slight hesitation, not quite a stutter, that at once disarmed me. ‘There’s not many left with the Council now. They’ve mostly been bought up and sold on under Right to Buy. I’m surprised this one wasn’t. It would have been quite an –’ she stopped, aware she was committing a faux pas.
‘Investment. Mum didn’t agree with it.’
Mother could have bought the flat for £8,000 back in 1981, after the Right to Buy came in, but she had refused. ‘I told them to stick their offer where the sun don’t shine,’ she’d told me. ‘I said it belongs to the people of this borough and it ain’t yours to sell.’
I’d already left home by then, and it never occurred to me that I would return one day, let alone seek to inherit the tenancy, so I was mildly amused at Mum’s fury. Needless to say, when Eric Perkins next door – now resident in the South of France – resold his for £38,000 a few years later, she was regretful and envious. But by then she had divorced Lev Lukashenko, and he’d disappeared with all her cash.
Mrs Penny peered in through the open door to my mother’s bedroom, where the assortment of crumpled lingerie was still strewn on the floor.
‘You do sometimes wonder,’ she said cryptically, making a note.
She also noted down that my mother had lived in the flat since it was built, and that I had lived there from birth until I went to university, and then again for the last eight years. She didn’t ask why I had come back eight years ago, and I wondered whether, if she had, I would have told her the truth. She asked about siblings, and I explained that my half-brother from my father’s previous marriage had moved out many years ago.
‘Mmm. I always longed to live in one of these big modern flats. I grew up in a poky terrace in Hackney. It’s nice that you can support Mum, and help her keep her independence in today’s challenging environment.’
There was something so sympathetic in her manner that I was on the point of pouring my heart out, telling her about my daughter Meredith’s death and the bear pit of depression, the split-up with Stephanie, the stutter, the dead end of my career, the eviction from my bedsit, the hospitalisation, the valiant way I had fought back with Mother’s help against the bloody injustice of life.
A sudden squawk from Flossie interrupted my train of thought. ‘Shut up, Flossie!’
Yes, Flossie was right – I must shut up. Despite her niceness, she was the local agent of ‘Them’ – the shadowy bureaucracy that Mother had warned me about – probably on a reconnaissance mission.
‘She sup-ports me too,’ I replied. ‘We look after each other.’
‘I’ve got this tenancy registered to a Mr and Mrs Madeley,’ she said. ‘Is that right?’
‘She remarried. She’s now Mrs Lukashenko.’
‘Luckychinko? That’s a pretty name. Chinese, is it?’
‘Ukrainian, actually. Her last husband was Ukrainian.’
‘Mm.’ She scribbled something in her file.
Mrs Penny was impressed, as most people are, by the sitting room with its rooftop view over London towards the City. My father, Wicked Sid Sidebottom, Mum’s second husband, who’d been a bit of a handyman when he wasn’t being wicked, had put up the bookshelves in the living room, giving the flat a genteelly bohemian air, though the books were mostly his thrillers and Mum’s romances, interspersed with a few leather-bound classics for gravitas. The floor was carpeted with Persian rugs, rescued by Lev ‘Lucky’ Lukashenko, her last husband, from a fire-damaged warehouse – they still retained a faint whiff of their smoky odour. The walls were cluttered with pictures and photographs which had fascinated me as a child, though now I barely noticed them. Without wanting to appear snobbish, I would guess it was a notch above your average council flat.
‘My, it’s spacious! May I?’
Without waiting for a reply, she opened the door to my bedroom and stepped inside. There was something so presumptuous, so rudely intrusive, in this action it was as if she had yanked down my underpants to examine my private parts. Worse, in fact, because at least I can confirm that my privates are clean. My room was as untidy as Mum’s but in a different way. Dead coffee cups, stacks of newspapers and theatre magazines, sports shoes, T-shirts and cycling gear instead of soiled silk.
‘I’m afraid it’s a bit of a mess.’ Why the hell was I apologising to her?
‘Don’t worry. You should see some of the places I visit, Mr Luckyshtonko. Is that another bedroom you’ve got through there?’
Alarm bells started ringing in my head and Mother’s last words rang in my ears. I remembered the beep … beep … beep and the terrible groan when it stopped.
‘It’s just a small study.’
What I didn’t say was that when Howard lived with us – he was my father’s son by a previous marriage – that little study had been my bedroom. What was it Inna had said about the under-bed tax? My heart thumped. While Mrs Penny was taking notes, I decided to make a pre-emptive move.
‘I would like to register the tenancy in my name. Would there be any p-problem with me taking it over from my mother?’
‘Hm.’ Mrs Penny sucked the end of her biro nervously. ‘No, not normally a problem, Mr Lucky-s-stinker. You need to satisfy certain conditions. For example, you would need to demonstrate your relationship with the tenant, and you would need to provide evidence that you have actually lived here as your main abode for the last two years.’
‘Fine. No problem.’
‘Well, the easiest thing would be for her just to sign a little form to put the tenancy jointly in your names, in the event of her death or mental disability. But no rush. Just keep us informed of any change of circumstances, won’t you, Mr Looka-skansko?’
‘Of course.’
She stowed her notebook in her handbag.
I watched through the window as she crossed the grove and squeezed herself into a small red car parked on the far side. Then I flopped down on the sofa. The whole encounter had been far more stressful than I had imagined. Fortunately the sherry bottle was not quite empty.
‘God is dead!’ Flossie called.
‘Shut up, Flossie.’
‘Shut up, Flossie,’ Flossie retorted. The Dom‒sub relationship only applied with Mum. She and I would have to fight it out now.
‘Shut up, Flossie. I need to think!’
What I was thinking, as with a trembling hand I poured the last drops of sweet sherry into a chipped crystal glass, is that frankly, when you think about it, one dotty old lady is pretty much like another, isn’t she? If a substitute were to appear in Mum’s place, who would know the difference?