Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version^®, NIV^®. Copyright © 1973,1978,1984,2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide, www.zondervan.com The "NIV" and "New International Version" are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

All direct Scripture quotations are noted in italic print. Any bold highlights were added by the author for emphasis.

Pastor Disaster: Confronting the Growing Crisis Among Church Leaders

ISBN 9780989054607

eISBN 9780989054614

Copyright © 2013 by John Opalewski

Published in Macomb, MI by Converge Coaching, LLC

Email: convergecoaching@gmail.com

Website: www.convergecoach.com

Text & Cover Design: Keigh Cox

Printed in the United States of America. All rights reserved under International Copyright Law. No portion of this book or cover may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means- electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning or other- except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the express prior written permission of the publisher.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Writing a book is a unique experience. It requires the author to "fly the plane"but necessitates a talented "ground crew" to ensure success. God has given me a talented ground crew.

First of all thank you to my wife Laura. You are the love of my life and a gift from God to me. Thank you for your friendship, encouragement and positive outlook. You always find ways to make me laugh.

Thank you to my sons Aaron, Andrew, Nathan and Chad. You taught me there is joy even in difficult times. Now that you are grown, I treasure your friendship.

Special thanks to Sandy Kronenberg for providing the impetus ... aka kick in the pants ... to finish this project.

Thanks also to Keigh Cox for using your talent to provide the graphics and layout for the book.

Much gratitude goes to Chrystal Weidman for your painstaking editorial help and your support throughout the writing process.

Thank you to my Pastor, Aaron Hlavin, for your belief in me and your sound advice.

Thank you to Jeff and Karen Hlavin, for your lifelong friendship, and for walking with us through each season—open-hearted, honest and prayerful. Thank you for being our sounding board and advisors.

I am especially grateful to the members of my Life Group for your prayer support, encouragement and friendship.

And finally, I am thankful to God for His unique ability to take the painful experiences of life and use them to help others in distress. It is a privilege to be called to come alongside and help leaders.

CONTENTS

Foreword

Introduction

Section 1 The Pastor's Personal Life

Chapter 1 A Broken Model

Chapter 2 Developing Biblical Self Love

Chapter 3 Manage Your Anger

Chapter 4 Protect Yourself from Abuse

Chapter 5 Refuel Emotionally

Chapter 6 Depression Warning Signs and Traps

Section 2 The Pastor's Professional Life

Chapter 7 A Biblical Model of Leadership

Chapter 8 The Priority of Vision

Chapter 9 Building and Releasing Teams

Chapter 10 Relating to your Staff

Chapter 11 Education for the Board

Chapter 12 Practical Points for Congregations

Epilogue

Notes

Resources

About the Author

Contact and Ordering Information

FOREWORD

Never could our youthful imaginations have anticipated the way God would use a red, pedal-powered fire truck as a catalyst for a "David and Jonathan" friendship, a bond that has grown and flourished between John and me for more than fifty years.

As the two of us have journeyed through the decades, we have both felt God's call to full-time vocational ministry. And, inevitably, we have experienced the unique joys and stresses that the ministry can bring, the seasons of harvest and the duration of deserts.

PASTOR DISASTER is the story of John's stormy pilgrimage, a time in his life when he struggled through depression and fought his way back to health. While incredibly difficult to see a dear friend wrestle with the pain of despondency and burnout, I believe that God used this dark time in John's life to lay upon his heart the specific vision of serving individuals who are now dealing with similar issues. Through the sharing of his personal story, John has established his intent to help others avoid "pace burnout" and the pitfalls of being overly committed. God has given him a passion to connect with other leaders, and the empathy to guide them towards better spiritual, mental, emotional, physical and relational health.

I read this book in one sitting. It is packed with practical hints and biblical truths, which, if applied, will help to ensure longevity within a fruitful ministry. I pray that this book will get into the hands of every pastor, church council member, elder, and ministry leader. John's words have the potential to rekindle and restore the life and energy of the Christian Church support-system, encouraging the leadership to refocus on the pursuit of a more efficient, balanced, and skillful use of their God-given calling and talents.

Kirk Lauckner
The Navigators
Seattle, WA

INTRODUCTION

"My life is over!" I choked out over the phone to my best friend as tears bounced off the kitchen counter. It was a bone-chilling, rainy night in November 1992. Weeks of little-to-no sleep combined with a lack of appetite due to excessive anxiety finally came to a head. My emotions were spinning out of control, I was suicidal and contemplating the least painful way to end my life - and I was the lead pastor of a growing church. Unfortunately, mine is not an isolated experience.

A Category 5 hurricane is battering the Church. A swirling storm of burnout among pastors and spiritual leaders is brewing right under our noses. The eye wall has hit land. The storm surge threatens to drown out the Church's collective voice and dilute its influence in our culture.

Making matters worse, many pastors in distress cannot put their finger on what is wrong. I didn't know what was happening to me, making the emotional crisis doubly terrifying. Fortunately, I had wise friends, a good medical doctor and a competent counselor who identified the problem. Clinical depression had brought my world to a crashing halt.

Up to that point, I had little room in my theology for depression. It was something that happened to weak-minded people, not to a spiritual leader. After all, I had been walking with God for eighteen years. I had been a pastor for twelve years. The spiritual disciplines of Bible study, prayer and Scripture memory were part of my daily routine. How could this happen to someone like me? In that dark moment, I felt as if God betrayed me.

What I didn't understand then was the pervasive nature of depression in our world – even in the church world. I somehow overlooked the depressive episodes of King David, and the prophets Elijah and Jeremiah, even though I read about them multiple times. I failed to recognize that spiritual giants like Charles Spurgeon, Martin Luther and John Calvin all suffered from this affliction.

One of the greatest presidents in our nation's history, Abraham Lincoln, battled with depression. In an article written by Joshua Wolf Schenk we read: "He (Lincoln) often wept in public and recited maudlin poetry. He told jokes and stories at odd times—he needed the laughs, he said, for his survival. As a young man he talked more than once of suicide, and as he grew older he said he saw the world as hard and grim, full of misery, made that way by fate and the forces of God. "No element of Mr. Lincoln's character," declared his colleague Henry Whitney, "was so marked, obvious and ingrained as his mysterious and profound melancholy." His law partner William Herndon said, "His melancholy dripped from him as he walked."¹ The emotional experiences of these men we consider larger than life reveal that depression is no respecter of persons.

The number of people battling depression is staggering. Estimates range anywhere from 20 million to 23 million people in the United States; and as many as 340 million worldwide, depending on the statistical source. At its current rate of increase, depression will be the number one health issue in the world by 2030. We are witnessing an emotional epidemic.

What causes this oppressive emotional condition? No single answer exists. Depression can be event driven. It can collapse on top of you when you suffer a major loss in your life. Depression can be incremental. It can result from years of improper mental and emotional behavior. It can issue from the cumulative impact of multiple sustained stresses that push a person over the edge emotionally. No matter the source, clinical depression is more than just a few bad days in a row. It is much deeper than simply "experiencing the blues." It affects Christians and non-Christians without prejudice. Depression is no respecter of race, social status or gender. The awful truth is that it can happen to anyone, even to people who love God. Even to people who serve in pastoral ministry. If you have not experienced the long dark tunnel of clinical depression, let me try to describe what it feels like:

1. Depression feels like you've plunged off a cliff into a black hole of sadness. It possesses the ability to engulf you to the degree you feel like an emotional zombie. Listen to the words of an anonymous depression survivor: "When I was depressed and I looked out my window, the landscape looked absolutely flat and colorless." In Matthew 26:38 Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane told His friends "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." Jesus hit the nail on the head. Being overwhelmed with sorrow to the point you feel dead on the inside describes depression precisely.

2. Depression is not something that responds to the sheer force of our will. Recovery from this affliction is not a matter of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. You cannot smile your way out of it or somehow magically snap out of it. You cannot bargain your way out of depression. I remember negotiating with God while in the middle of the black hole – "Lord, if you get me out this, I'll do whatever You want me to do." My hope was He would deliver me instantaneously. God had other plans.

3. Depression often rears up when least expected. Elizabeth Sherrill writes: "The terror of depression, the dark mystery that distinguishes it from sorrow, is that it can cast its gray pall about us when the sun is the brightest."² In 1992 I had (and still have) a wonderful wife and 4 healthy boys. The church I served as pastor was enjoying excellent growth spiritually, numerically and financially. Externally life was good, but internally I was an emotional train-wreck.

The professional counselor I sought out to help me get to the bottom of the depression opened my eyes to see the truth. And the truth was this emotional crisis that seemingly "came out of nowhere" in November 1992 had been building for years. The unique pressures of pastoral ministry forced to the surface my flawed approach to mental and emotional maturity. My total disregard for sensible scheduling and ignorance of how to handle difficult people finally caught up to me. And consequently I found myself in the battle of my life, hanging on by a thread.

A significant number of pastors across the country could substitute their name for mine and it would accurately reflect their own story. In chapter 1, we will provide sobering statistics relative to pastors and their health. Church leaders are in crisis. And because we are not willing to let them drown, my wife and I have begun an intentional journey to reach out to leaders and their spouses who are over-scheduled, over-committed and seriously stressed-out.

When we work with pastors we encourage them to adopt a leadership model that includes a sound approach to mental and emotional health, proper boundary-setting in terms of relationships and schedule, and the priority of a leader's family over his or her profession.

In John 10:10 Jesus said "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." We believe He intends for His people to have fullness in both their personal life as well as their ministry. We dream of a day when leaders experience a life that is fulfilling, fun, joy-filled and meaningful.

We envision leaders who are healthy – spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically and relationally.

We believe that leaders who serve and lead from a position of health are more effective and able to last longer in their role.

That brings me to the reason for writing this book. I spend a fair amount of time teaching and preaching the message of emotional health in churches. The response has been overwhelmingly positive both from church attendees as well as their leaders. I have discovered that leaders often struggle with depression. The primary leadership paradigm that has been taught, modeled, encouraged and adopted by many pastors has contributed significantly to them leaving the ministry in droves – disillusioned and depressed. The purpose of this book is to put forth a new model for consideration. The hour is critical. The need for sound, practical biblical teaching regarding a healthy model for pastoral leadership has never been greater. The pages that follow are written with passion for pastors and out of the fires of my personal experience.

It is my hope that the content will help you to prevent experiencing depression altogether, or shorten your recovery time if you are currently battling the affliction.

The book is organized into 2 sections: Section 1 addresses a pastor's personal life. Section 2 addresses a pastor's professional life. Even though I use masculine pronouns throughout the book when referencing pastors or leaders, it is written for both male and female ministers. It is estimated that approximately 10% of U.S. churches are led by a female pastor.

All quotations from the Bible are from the New International Version.

SECTION 1

THE PASTOR'S PERSONAL LIFE

Section 1 focuses on the pastor's personal life. A lack of health here negatively impacts every part of his life. On the other hand, health in spirit, mind, emotions and relationships has a positive influence in every area, including his ministry. If a leader has nothing deposited in his emotional bank account, it will be next to impossible to give to others.

With that in mind, Section 1 will cover:

• The current leadership landscape as it relates to a minister's health and longevity

• Factors that contribute to the uniqueness of a pastor's call

• The emotional infrastructure required to maintain health

• How to recognize the warning signs of burnout and depression

• Avoiding traps that hinder the recovery process

1

A BROKEN MODEL

I attended a Christian university in preparation for ministry. In the months leading up to my first semester, I entertained visions of a school where all of my schoolmates and professors loved God, were full of the Spirit and mature in character. I am embarrassed to admit I had mental images of groups of students sitting in circles across the campus worshipping the Lord together. I was shocked into reality by the third week of my first semester. One of the students on my dorm floor was thrown out of school for selling drugs. At that moment I realized Christian college wasn't heaven on earth. I had been naïve.

Some church members possess a similarly naïve view of pastors. They mistakenly believe that since he is doing the Lord's work, pastoral life is a charmed life. That somehow ministers are immune from the normal wear and tear of living in a fallen world. Allow me to burst their bubble.

Statistics regarding pastoral health vary widely. Depending on the source, it is estimated that:

• More than 1000 pastors leave the ministry every month. The main drivers are burnout, contention with church members, or moral failure.

• Approximately 4 out of 10 pastors suffer from depression. The news is even worse for their spouses – 5 out of 10. Unfortunately the dark cloud of depression often parks itself over pastoral married couples.

• 50-80% of graduates from Bible seminary who enter the ministry will leave the ministry within 5 years.

• The vast majority of pastors' spouses report that the ministry has produced a negative impact on their families.

• A large percentage of pastors report that they have no close personal friends.

According to The Barna Group:

• Church studies show that church-goers expect their pastor to juggle an average of 16 major tasks¹

• The average pastor lasts only five years at a church²

• Only one out of seven Senior Pastors (14%) say they are effective at thinking and acting strategically³

Shangri-La the ministry is not. The reality is ministers as a collective whole are in trouble. The mind-boggling statistics serve as a wake-up call to the Church.

What conclusions should we draw from these alarming numbers?

1. That the current generation of pastors simply must not be as deeply committed to God as their forerunners? This conclusion is simplistic and shifts blame away from the real contributors. The majority of pastors I meet with have genuine commitment to and love for the Lord.

2. That 21st century pastors must not be as committed to the cause as their pastoral predecessors? Perhaps, but again not likely. Statistics show the amount of hours worked by pastors is considerably more than the national average. Most of the pastors I know work far more than 50 hours a week. Many of them put in 60-70 hours weekly. We will deal with that problem later ...

3. That longevity and health for a pastor is a lost cause and we simply must accept the statistics as an inevitable outcome of their calling? Do we give way to the idea that depression, burnout and anxiety are part of the pastoral package and are unavoidable? I reject that line of thinking.

4. That the popular model adopted by many pastors is woefully inadequate in light of our generation's unique challenges and pressures? It is my belief these sobering statistics are evidence that the current model put forth for and followed by many pastors is seriously broken. How much more personal and relational wreckage needs to occur until we acknowledge that something is amiss about the way we do ministry? If 50-80% of seminary graduates who enter the ministry leave the ministry within the first five years, our approach to training men and women for the real life rigors of leadership is somehow missing the mark. God's work done His way does not exempt a leader from struggles and challenges, but it does encourage conditions that set the table for a longer and healthier leadership run.

Some churches attempt to address the unique pressures of ministry by holding pastor appreciation days, weeks, or months. These are kind and thoughtful gestures but they do not address the root issues which contribute to the statistics listed at the beginning of this chapter. The challenge at hand requires more than cosmetic repair.

Longevity in ministry is proving elusive. It requires understanding from pastors, church boards and congregations. It demands a healthy, biblical leadership paradigm. Before we begin rolling out a different model, let's consider first what contributes to the wreckage highlighted earlier in this chapter.

I have been asked many times "What is so tough about being a pastor?" "Why is it such a difficult job?" "Don't they only work on Sundays?" My reply has been "I'm not sure I can describe it well enough for you. You almost have to experience it yourself to understand the unique pressures of the role."

With that said allow me to try to open up a pastor's world to those of you who are reading this book but not serving in pastoral leadership. Here are some contributors to the alarming statistics:

1. Difficulty in achieving separation from the pressures and responsibilities of ministry. On most days, I disconnect from my job in the business world as soon as my foot hits the sidewalk outside of our office building. I have learned how to build the "Great Wall of China" between work and my personal life. Disconnecting from work is not as clear-cut for a minister. Most people do not understand this. When I was a pastor – especially during my years as a lead – disconnecting from work proved next to impossible for me. The underlying pressure of pastoral responsibility was always there, whether I was aware of it or not. The unrelenting nature of the role can wear down even the finest leader, but do not despair... we will learn later how to deal with this challenge.

2. Spiritual warfare. Spiritual leaders are the devil's primary target. I am not suggesting they are the only ones who fight spiritual battles. Every Christian locks horns with Satan periodically. I am also not implying that the negative statistics listed earlier are the sole result of the devil's work. On the contrary, most of the negative impacts are simply the result of ignorance on the part of the pastor, the church board and the local congregation. But the devil is an opportunist who understands if he takes out a leader, he most likely will devastate and demoralize a significant number of that leader's followers. Jesus said in Mark 14:27 – "It is written – strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered." The devil understands this principle. Consequently, he appears to concentrate a high percentage of his attacks on leadership. The wear and tear of sustained enemy attack is real, often unrecognized and almost always underestimated.

3. The increasing dysfunction in society. Society's growing dysfunction has spilled over into the Church. The complexity, variety and sheer number of problems pastors deal with are increasing dramatically. Unfortunately, the Church often looks and acts much like those who are not Jesus-followers.

Although the Bible is full of warnings about the power of our words, many Christians see no problem with gossip – especially about their leader – often unaware of the devastating impact they create. The lack of spiritual foundation and training that the majority of un-churched people bring with them into a congregation taxes a leader's limited time and resources. The increased dysfunction in the church family places tremendous strain on the pastor's schedule and energy.

4. The drain of counseling. A fair chunk of a pastor's counseling is sought by people who have no interest in changing their behavior. Instead their intent – whether they are aware of it or not - is to get the pastor to rubber-stamp the course of action they have already determined to take before they ever entered his office for counseling.