The Rules for Anxiety and Depression
All rights reserved. Michel Beckham copyright 2012. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover or electronically other that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the purchaser. This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. It may not be re-sold or given away to other persons. Thank you for respecting a life time of work by the author. ISBN 978-1-4675-3764-3.
Preface
This book is an accumulation of ideas, concepts, ways of seeing myself, ways of seeing the world, ways of seeing myself in the world that I have formulated over my lifetime and many things I have learned working with my clients. I have suffered with Anxiety and Depression since I was very young. When I was younger my friends described me as “wound very tight” and “always on alert.” Around the age of eleven or twelve my Anxiety would escalate into panic attacks that would leave me curled up in a ball on my bed. As I grew older I discovered self medication but as much as it added instant relief it also added to the Anxiety and Depression in the long run. I had two procedures, years apart, putting a tube down my throat and taking pictures of my stomach to see if I had ulcers due to my throwing up often and feeling like I had a knot in stomach. I later learned that these were just symptoms of my Anxiety.
The goal of this book is to share with you some of the ways I learned to shift my view of myself and the world to lessen and eliminate the Anxiety and Depression. There are also concepts that I have adopted that allow me to do this that I will explain as to how I see them and use them. In addition there is an exercise that I use with my clients that help shift their perspective and allow them to challenge some of the rules they have made with themselves; I believe many of these rules are the foundation of Anxiety and Depression.
After many years of working with clients with Anxiety and Depression and suffering from the symptoms of both for the main portion of my life the following information has proven to work for me and the majority of my clients. When someone understands and adopts the concepts and practices of this book a new way of seeing themselves in the world becomes part of their life.
With that said I hope you find this information helpful and fulfilling in assisting you with reducing and eliminating your symptoms and enhancing your quality of life.
Living In the Pain of Anxiety and Depression
I used to lay awake at night and thoughts would stream through my mind at an incredible pace. It would have been great if those thoughts were of happy times, pretty girls, me being awesome, or ice cream. Instead I spent thousands of hours thinking about what I should have said, why I said what I did, how I look, how others probably think I am weird or dumb or funny looking, why did they say that to me, what did they mean when they said that, what I might do if I am asked to get up and speak in front of a large audience, what I might wear tomorrow that would not make me look stupid but not make me stand out, why most people should not love me, why I do bad things, and so many other terrible thoughts. These negative thoughts made up most of my conscious thoughts. I lived in a negative world that I would create and reinforce every day.
The problem was that I believed that by somehow thinking about all these bad things that it was helping me. I was so terrified of doing something that others would disapprove of I spent all my time in my head trying to have the right answer or action for things that would never happen or at least never happen the way that I could ever have imagined them happening.
I was stuck in a cycle of waking up in fear, being scared to make a move or speak because I might mess up, then doing something or saying something, immediately thinking it was wrong, feeling terrible about it, running away to my mind and going over every bad way I could think of that this one action or sentence was going to ruin my life and everyone’s lives I cared about. What a way to grow up. What a way to live. This was my reality. This was my life. This was me. This was my world. This was me in my world.
I developed in to a scared little boy. I would constantly be scared even when I was supposed to be having fun, in a safe place, with my loving family. At twelve years old I began having stomach problems and even was prescribed valium multiple times a day for my nervousness. My mother was very supportive but she did not know how to comfort me from my own fears. This continued my whole life.
As I aged I realized that I did not want to keep living like this. I sought out anything to curb my fear and anxiety. That led to many bad things. Things like drugs, alcohol, sex, food, work, exercise, and trying not to feel at all. It made everything worse. It gave me so many more things to worry about. I lived like this more days than not.
Then after living with anxiety and depression everyday and an alcohol and drug addiction that had lasted over two decades I died. At least my soul died. I could no longer fight the fight. With my father’s help I checked into rehab for a 38 day stint to get sober. I had been fighting my fear and anxiety with drugs and alcohol so long I did not know how I really felt without them. I did know I was dying.
As I got sober I began to address my fear and anxiety in new ways. I learned that I was depressed because I was depressed not because I was a terrible person. I learned that I did not sleep due to abusing drugs and alcohol not because I was an insomniac. I learned that my fear and anxiety were real and I was not just making it up. I learned that I was still alive deep down in my frightened heart and that with some more time I could come back into the world.