ISBN: 9781935860969
If you are an adult reading this to a child or a child who is reading this to yourself you must follow these instructions!!!
This is a a story that needs an animated reader, someone creative and full of energy. (Ls, love. love .love Ellen Degeneras) If you feel you are a person who might say, “I have a cold” (in the same tone as) “I just won the lottery for 10 million dollars” then you are NOT the person who should be reading this story. Go find someone who might have more energy or is diagnosed or not diagnosed yet with ADD or ADHD or Tourette Syndrome…anyone but you. If you can’t, I mean absolutely can not find someone with more energy and you are the only person available to read this story then here are some suggestions for you to do before reading this story:
Bottom line: This is a funny story! Make it fun!! Don’t ruin it with a monotonous, humdrum or boring tone of your voice. (Little pressure here?)
There are a few people I would like to dedicate this book to. Unlike Ellen Degeneres who dedicates her books to people she does not even know (Don’t get me wrong…I love Ellen…but she does dedicate her books to people she doesn’t know and goes off on tangents and multiple run on sentences and then basically you forget it is even the dedication page and well she can get away with it because she is Ellen Degeneres and I am not but it does not mean that my dedications to people are any less important! On that note I would even like to dedicate this to Ellen Degeneres, even though she does not know me it doesn’t matter I AM HER BIGGEST FAN IN THE WORLD and I don’t care what her mother says I AM) anyway back to the dedications…
Gabrielle Eichstaedt - (yeah that last name is a serious tongue twister, try saying that three times really fast). So Gabi - my best friend and I call her Gabi, well so does everyone else even though her birth name is Gabrielle. I love the sound of Gabrielle..it is so French and beautiful…it’s kind of like Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn Monroe or Natalie Wood. Would you ever call them Eli, Mar or Nat (well my daughter’s name is Natalie and I sometimes call her Nat but anyway) I call her Gabi, and the reason I am dedicating this book to her, is well, actually she told me I had to. I told her about these letters to Natalie (my daughter Natalie, not Natalie Wood) and she said, “That sounds like it could be one of your books” and I said “Ya know what…I am going to make it a book, thank you” and that is when she told me I had to dedicate it to her. SO Gabi or Gabrielle, this book, is dedicated to you not that I felt that you were a threat if I didn’t but you did put the idea in my head so I owe you a dedication (or at least a percentage of the profits right?) All kidding aside, I dedicate this book to Gabi (Gabrielle) my best friend whom I love dearly.
Elaine (Cookie) Koblin - my mother. Born Elaine but goes by Cookie and honestly nobody who knows her would even know her name was Elaine, actually if she were standing somewhere and you screamed “Hey Elaine” she wouldn’t even turn her head. So just call her Cookie. The entire reason behind the letters I wrote to Natalie is because of all the letters my mother wrote to me when I was a little girl away at sleepover camp. You anxiously awaited for that mail and stood there as your counselor called the names of campers who received letters, and if your name was not called you could see the disappointment in every campers eyes, but no, not a day went by where my name wasn’t called. I love you mom, for writing those letters everyday and sending them…my name being called was the best feeling ever. Now don’t get mad, but as much as I loved, loved, loved those letters and loved hearing my name being called every single day…those letters were beyond tortuous to read, I mean down right tiresome, humdrum, monotonous and well I am not going to quote the whole thesaurus on the word boring here, but every single day “Dear Patrice…Today I cleaned the kitchen…then made some tea…then met your Aunti Bobbi for lunch…then I opened the mail…then I watched the news…then I filed my nails…then I watched “The Bionic Man”…then I did some laundry…on and on and on. Mom I love you so much but your letters were so beyond boring and repetitive…that honestly sometimes I didn’t read them…I just pretended. Luckily, you were not as bad as my best friend Lisa’s mom, she actually sent tapes that Lisa had to listen to, yes-cassette tapes, where she would actually say “now I am watering the plants” and Lisa could actually hear the water! Poor Lisa, not only boring but how completely and utterly embarrassing!! Still Mom, your letters were, well I think I have said it enough. BUT the AMAZING news here…IF… whoops (remember the book THE SECRET…the one I live by) so… WHEN