©2013 by Richard T. Case

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ISBN-10: 0-9912013-0-2

ISBN-13: 978-0-9912013-0-3

ISBN: 9780991201327

Printed in the USA

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to my wonderful wife,

Linda. Over our 44 years of marriage,

she has demonstrated and lived out

“A Life in Forgiveness” and in doing so

has shown me the nature of God.

What a privilege and blessing this has been,

as we have together learned

what is true forgiveness and reconciliation.

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

We are very grateful for our children – Peter & Shara (and their two sons, our grandsons – Joshua and Aidan), Michelle, and Christina & Mark (and their three daughters, our granddaughters – Nicole, Rachael and Riley). We so appreciate their love and support.

We wish to acknowledge The Blackabys, Henry and Richard, who have taught us such inspiring Biblical truth and how to deepen our experience with the Living God. Richard was kind enough to read the manuscript and offer suggestions for improvement and structuring. We so appreciate those who have walked with us over the years spiritually and encouraged us to spend time writing down what we were teaching - Tim & Mary Beth Sotos, Ken & Margie Blanchard, Tom & Barbara Crates, Randy & Linda Cain (our business partners) and special comrade Dave Dunkel. A special thanks to Melissa Loudermilk, who added much flavor to the manuscript and helped put it all together – a very gifted writer. Through her processing the truth of this book, she experienced a major breakthrough in forgiveness and reconciliation. Also, there are several co-laborers in Christ who have greatly contributed to helping us process the truth of forgiveness and reconciliation. First, our good friends and leaders with whom we are doing life together and are “giving it away” through our Living Waters Retreat Ministry - Lynda and Preston Pitts, Denny & Allyson Weinberg, Chris & Jacklyn Hoover, John and Michelle Santaferaro, Rick & Nancy Hoover, Blake & Marty Frye, Tom & Suzzane Ewing, Larry & Sherry Collett (with whom we are also working on writing projects together), Bob & Kerri Rockwell, Terry & Josephine Noetzel, Dirk & Cathy Davidson, Neal & Cathy Weisenberger, Chris & Heidi May, Scott & Terry Hitchcock, Rich & Mary Dillman, Scott & Kye Mitchell, Rich & Janet Cocchiaro, Ed and Becky Kobel, and Jake and Mary Beckel. Also, our good friends and associates involved with the CEO Forum – Mac & Karen McQuistion, Steve & Cheryl South, Steve & Nancy Menefee, Dick & Jackie Schultz, John & Wendy Beckett (who also encouraged us to write), Pat & Lauraine Caruana, Jeff & Lis Coors, Dave & Teri Fagin, Harold & Diane Smethills, Greg & Geri Brown, Mike & Cheryl Ducker, Chip & Jane Weisse, Jim & Ann Lindeman, Chuck & Roxy Morgan, Morrison & Kristen Carter, and Steve & Jennine Hoeft. Also, my Wednesday morning Bible group – Richard Andersen, Ken Blanchard, Phil Hodges, Esteen Lenyoun, Jim Mudd, Milt Richards, and Vince Siciliano. And finally, two couples who minister in Israel and have been such wonderful examples to us of expressing forgiveness and reconciliation in such a difficult place - Guy & Anita Kump, and Wayne & Ann Hilsden.

Our heartfelt thanks for and to all.

FOREWORD

One of the most sinister thieves in history continues to regularly rob vast numbers of people. This fiend is unforgiveness. It robs marriages of the joy and contentment intended by God. It alienates parents from their children and friends from one another. It divides churches and leads to generational blood feuds, and civil war. Yet despite having caused centuries of heartache, people still struggle to know how to forgive when someone hurts or disappoints them. That is why this book is so timely.

Rich Case is gifted to uniquely deal with this universal malady. He has helped numerous couples achieve the forgiveness and joy that had been elusive to them. He has helped CEOs, as well as church leaders, take their relationships to higher levels.

At last, Rich Case has delineated in print the biblical principles that have been setting people free for years. His practical applications and heartwarming stories will inspire you to strive for the relationships God intend for you to have. After reading this book, you will be inspired to hope that you, too, can experience forgiveness and reconciliation in even your most difficult relationships.

Dr. Richard Blackaby

President of Blackaby Ministries International

Author of Experiencing God, The Seasons of God

INTRODUCTION

Lack of forgiveness and reconciliation within relationships is an issue nearly all people experience. My wife, Linda, and I have been conducting marriage retreats for the past twelve years. In each retreat, almost all of the couples are dealing with these very issues: forgiveness and reconciliation. It often begins between the husband and wife but from there will often spill over into relationships with parents, siblings, children, friends, workers, bosses, etc. Why is this such a problem? Forgiving others is difficult, and the lack thereof is so incredibly epidemic. We are surrounded by selfish people who hurt and manipulate to obtain what they want. As we experience such wounds, frustrations and opposition, we naturally become angry and then struggle with what to do with the anger. It quickly turns into unforgiveness, and then hearts begin to harden and intimacy dissolves within relationships.

We maintain our unforgiveness, because the other party has not admitted or confessed their wrongdoing to us, so we wait on them to make things right. Since most people do not respond to conflict and wounds by resolving what they have done to us (and often fail to admit what we have done to them), everyone continues operating in unforgiveness. However, unforgiveness affects only our own soul and our own ability to enjoy life. As Linda and I have explored bringing healing to people’s lives in this area of forgiveness, we have come to understand the primary reason it dominates almost all of our lives: the great confusion between forgiveness and reconciliation. This book serves to explore the depths of these differences, offer biblical truths which allow us to live in forgiveness and then offer reconciliation to those around us. Furthermore, we will reveal how to maintain forgiveness when those around us are not willing to reconcile.

Case in point: at one of our retreats, a woman expressed deep bitterness toward her divorced father who had first oppressed her as a child and then rejected her as an adult. In fact, he had rejected the entire family! Along with her, all of her siblings were also estranged from their father. After helping her process through God’s call to forgiveness and offer of reconciliation during the retreat, she sought the Word of God until she received the forgiveness towards her father she so eagerly desired. Having experienced the release of forgiving her father, she wanted to share it with the rest of her family. So she called each of her siblings and expressed to them the freedom she had so beautifully received. She even went further and suggested each sibling work through the same process until they, too, fully embraced and received the same forgiveness God was calling them to accept and extend. However, all of her siblings declined and chose to remain enslaved to their bitterness. Choosing bitterness and refusing to forgive actually places one in bondage, causing much pain and angst. This consequence could fully be avoided, as we will see throughout this book.

But wait … her story continues. After this precious lady had forgiven her father, she then contacted him to offer reconciliation. Her father was pleased to hear from her and was willing to meet. Though he was not able to fully understand much of her hurt, they did reconcile at a surface level and each experienced and felt the freedom of having regained a lost relationship. Then, less than a week later, her father passed away. This dear lady praised God for having not only having received the truth and revelation of forgiveness and the freedom it brought her, but also having had the opportunity and power to express her love to her father before he died. And yet, to this very day, her siblings now have an element of bitterness towards their sister, because she was the only one of them who had contact with their father in his final days. They continue to be burdened by the bitterness they have developed over the years, and now that bitterness cannot be let go. Again, this book will show how we each can come to, receive and welcome the forgiveness of those who have hurt us, even those who have passed away and reconciliation seems impossible.

Unfortunately, this woman’s story is not unique. Most of us have similar stories in our own lives and are living within various levels of unforgiveness and with the roots of bitterness growing towards those around us. As we will discover, the truth and revelation of God found in the Scriptures declares God’s call to us. It’s a call to forgive, and forgive 100% of the time. In the same way, He desires us to live in utter and complete freedom all the time as well, which can only be obtained through forgiveness. We will also learn that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation, because reconciliation takes two willing parties. While this is very complicated at the onset, we can understand the simplicity of our position in the reconciliation process – which always starts and ends with forgiveness.

CHAPTER 1

DEFINING MOMENT

After being married for forty-three years, Linda and I can say from experience how critical it is to live in a constant state of forgiveness in a marriage. We had many opportunities to learn this during our first decade of being man and wife. Though both of my parents have passed on to be with Christ, they shaped who I am, how I interact with others, and how I was introduced to the Father. I grew up in a professional home – my father was a surgeon and my mother a socialite. Even though my father was very generous and taught me great wisdom about how to appropriately approach life with all of its challenges and every-day issues, he was mostly absent. My mother, on the other hand, was very dominant in controlling the family, which included five children. In fact, her domineering approach through anger, physical force and verbal demands were often irrational. Being a good athlete, I spent most of my time outside the school playing ball (football, basketball, baseball) just like nearly every other kid did in Indiana during that time. Participating in sports allowed me a frequent and welcome escape from the irrational domination and allowed me to receive much needed praise and personal affirmation from coaches and fellow teammates. To couple my natural athleticism, I had a personality such that I was willing to go to battle and fight things through to a tidy conclusion. However, I quickly learned the battle with my mother was simply not winnable. So, what strategy did I use to survive? A complicated and cyclical one: 1.) Go to battle; 2.) Inevitably lose the battle; 3.) Ignore the conflict entirely; 4.) Figure out how to function independently until the next battle arose.

You see, being faced with the enigma of being a part of a family highly dominated by my mother but still living with much practical freedom was my life. My parents were often too busy to really pay any attention to what I was doing or where I was, and yet, I was fully expected (and managed) to stay out of trouble to ensure I would neither create problems for my parents nor myself. I accomplished high marks in school, married my high school sweetheart, Linda, during our undergraduate years and then graduated with an MBA from the University of Southern California. All good accomplishments, but families still can cause tension even amongst the proudest of achievements. After the completion of my MBA and receiving my first “real” job, Linda and I both became followers of Christ, and God blessed us with our first daughter. Despite our happiness and joy, my mother caused us much heartache and problems, although we lived in separate states. Angry phone calls, harsh words towards and regarding Linda, and being treated with indignation and irrational behavior when we visited all became our normal and almost expected interactions with her over the years. Then, it all came to the breaking point one holiday when our family – then consisting of three children – visited my now divorced parents. We basically spent the entire festive occasion angry and frustrated. My mother screamed at our children, and each and every person was tense. To say we were unhappy would be an understatement.

We left Indiana and vowed that we had had enough, and any contact with them would cease to exist. I was angry, and Linda was angry; we were hurt, and our children were hurt. We decided we wanted our holidays with our children to be joyful and fun, not difficult and hurtful. That was it – we were done – our decision had been made. We stopped accepting my mother’s calls and had absolutely no contact for a few months. And yet, the lack of communication merely made my mother more irrational than ever. Her behavior and “guilt trips” escalated, only to get us back to a position where she could dominate us once again. None of her behavior made us want to reconcile, in fact, it solidified the idea of keeping the relationship in “stand-off” mode. However, we noticed something … our hearts were being held captive by the continued anger, frustration, and harshness. Our heart “issue” did not just remain confined to my mom either. It spilled over into all of our other relationships, and we were seemingly always on edge and jumpy. However, God had mercy on us and used our pastor to change our hearts. He delivered a sermon one Sunday on how God commands forgiveness, regardless of what someone has done to us, virtually unpacking the truths contained within Ephesians 4:25–32. His words really struck Linda and I both collectively and individually in our spirits. So we agreed to explore together what the Lord had to say regarding forgiveness in light of what was going on with my mother. After about a month of soaking in the Word, we finally understood that Christ did not only freely give forgiveness to us, but we also are commanded to live in this forgiveness all the time with all people. Equally as important, we realized also that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.

We both were able to receive complete forgiveness regarding my mother and immediately received the freedom that accompanies that forgiveness in our lives. Yes, we understood my mom would never sit down and discuss all the things she had done to hurt me during my childhood, to hurt us during our dating and then marriage relationship, or even what she had done to our children. However, we were able to establish reconciliation with her, albeit small. That reconciliation also required us to establish certain boundaries, like not celebrating holidays together. This would ensure that we could all enjoy each other’s company over the remaining years we had together, which we were able to enjoy. We no longer let her irrational anger bother us and chose to no longer join her battles. Because we refused to join the battles, our times together became more sweet and pleasant. More importantly, our lives were never again held captive or identified by the roots of bitterness we so tightly held toward her; thus, we enjoyed the freedom of forgiveness through Christ’s work and Christ working within us. You could say this turn of events defined our lives. Since then, Linda and I have continued exercising this amazing truth with all our relationships and continue to live in the very same all-encompassing freedom. Having served as pastors of various churches, and over the past twelve years conducting spiritual renewal retreats, we fully understand almost everyone struggles with the issue of unforgiveness. We have all been hurt by people, and the extent of the bondage can overshadow us. The resolution to the issue is really not to confront and merely amend what others have done to us, but to not let others’ actions, regardless of what they may be, ruin our souls and keep us in captivity.

CHAPTER 2

DEFINING UNFORGIVENESS

When we look at Linda’s and my journey, which led to that pivotal decision to not only forgive my mother but also to apply forgiveness to all of our relationships, it leads most people we come in contact with to question whether they are operating in unforgiveness. They wonder what does it look like. Exactly what is unforgiveness?

What is “Unforgiveness”?

“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:30–32

“And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.” Romans 1:28–32

“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:19–21

Unforgiveness, simply put, is the absence of forgiveness. The absence of forgiveness in a person’s life allows chaos and evil character traits to run amuck. Where there is no forgiveness, there is no trace of anything resembling either a forgiven life, forgiveness of others, or the evidence of Christ.

So, why the emphasis on the bitterness, wrath, and slander caused by unforgiveness? Each of these reactions deeply grieves the heart of a holy God, and since we serve a triune God, such actions also grieve the Holy Spirit. We are called to abhor such actions and instead embrace those attributes, which reflect God Himself, such as tenderness, mercy, and kindness. We are to do these things out of a grateful heart, forgiving others because we have been forgiven. However, we do live in an evil world, full of people who do evil things, and God has given them up to be ruled by their own corrupted minds. Corrupted minds cannot do anything else but hate their creator, stir up strife, cultivate deception, and heartily approve of anyone else who does so. Those who walk according to the flesh and those who walk in the Spirit are completely and utterly different, in fact, opposite. Those who love God are robed with His righteousness, and their hearts overflow with mercy, humbleness, and truth. Yet, to be honest, even Christians sometimes participate in one or more of the litany of actions described in Galatians. If Christians have the Spirit of the living and loving God residing within them, why do we sometimes act so contrarily?

Simply put, we do not forgive. Unforgiveness lies at the roots of bitterness, wrath, anger, and slander. When our hearts are wounded by circumstances or people who hurt or manipulate us, we sometimes choose to hold on to anger and refuse to forgive. We remain in the pool of anger and animosity, and we act out accordingly. For some reason we have chosen to hold on to our wounds, the bitterness, and our hurt in lieu of forgiving and moving on. What we are unaware of is the action of withholding forgiveness imprisons our hearts and souls. It keeps us from living by the Spirit and, in turn, keeps us enslaved to anger, which consequently leads to bitterness. The longer we withhold forgiveness, the more difficult it becomes to offer love, mercy and kindness to others or to receive it ourselves. Yet, making a conscious decision to just not get angry doesn’t work. We are unable in our own power to resolve our anger or to naturally forgive. Unfortunately for us, the process of anger leading to unforgiveness happens automatically. We cannot escape its natural progression. Read the following Scriptures:

“Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” Ephesians 4:26–27

“Therefore thus says the Lord God, ‘Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a tested stone, a costly cornerstone for the foundation, firmly placed. He who believes in it will not be disturbed. I will make justice the measuring line and righteousness the level; then hail will sweep away the refuge of lies and the waters will overflow the secret place.’” Isaiah 28:16–17

We should start out by being encouraged here. Scripture clearly states that it is okay and perfectly acceptable to be angry. Anger is a natural and God-given emotion. In fact God himself experiences anger! We were given this natural emotion so that our sense of right and wrong, reality and truth, and our everyday lives collide in a beautiful symphony. However, there is a line drawn in the sand – be angry and do not sin. How is this possible? Check all unresolved anger. If we let our anger, hurt, or feelings of betrayal fester, we give the enemy an opportunity to affect us, affect our lives, and affect our relationship with God and others. We cannot prevent getting angry, because we cannot prevent the circumstances, which cause anger in the first place; but we need to know our response to such instances can lead to sin. Sin, simply explained, is to miss the mark. It’s an archery term. If you have ever watched an archery event or even attempted the sport, you know the archer is always aiming for the center of their target, right? This is their mark. When they hit it, everyone cheers, and they feel a great sense of accomplishment. But when they miss their mark, the miss is called a sin. It is the same way in our spiritual lives. We miss our mark each and every time we maintain our anger and continue down the treacherous path of unforgiveness, instead of processing through our hurt, which leads to forgiveness. It is this very unwillingness to forgive which allows the devil a foothold in our lives, causing wounds to deepen into hardness of heart, bitterness, wrath, etc.

But let’s not stop here; let’s look further. The cornerstone of our faith is Jesus. This cornerstone is unique and is the foundation of true faith. This stone has been created by the tools of justice and righteousness, and thus, made perfect. We know that God acts and reacts justly and operates righteously when it comes to our wounds. Justice is, and always has been, God’s measuring line. It’s the mark for which He is aiming. So, if justice is God’s mark and we have the indwelling of God’s spirit, it is natural for us to react with anger to unfairness, wrongdoing, and inequality. Again, this anger is sanctioned by God and has been established as his measuring line automatically dictating our responses. Take a moment to sit back and think about the anger in your own life. What are you angry about? At whom are you angry? What did they do to you? What did they deny you? At what injustices in the world are you infuriated? Take a good introspective account of your own heart and its hurts, which have resulted in anger. Write them down if you need to, and then look at the results of the conflicts. You will probably notice that your response to being angry differs with each circumstance, and the relationships are strained at various levels. This is a good thing to notice. Remember, our goal should be to not continue with the way things are. It is to apply the healing balm of forgiveness to each and every circumstance, as a way to not only release the bitterness and anger but to also allow the fullness of Christ’s work to manifest its complete power within you.

CHAPTER 3

LEVELS OF RESPONSE

We encounter unjust circumstances or people causing injustice every day. The anger and frustration that accompanies each event is unique to the people associated with it and to the offense that occurred. In our experience, we have noticed that there are basically three differing levels at which humanity typically responds to wounds. These are: Minimal, Partial, and Complete. Let’s take a look at each one.