ISBN: 9781623092856
Dedication
Elgin,
I am so grateful to have shared a lifetime with you. Since your passing, I am learning to appreciate life and live it in the way in which you always encouraged me.
I will always love you.
Valerie
Contents
Foreword
1. Gifts Big and Small
2. Come and Go With Me
3. A Gentle Embrace
4. Joy in the Mourning
5. Expectation
6. Can I Have Some Time?
7. My Girl Oprah
8. My Favorite Things
9. The Challenge of Choice
10. Dancing in the Rain
11. No Forks Allowed
12. Paper Dolls
13. Mirror, Mirror
14. Me Time
15. Fancy
16. Who’s That Girl
17. The Test of Time
18. Inside of the Memory
19. Joy and Happiness
20. Love Unconditional
21. Love Yourself
22. A ha!
23. Naked and Unashamed
Special Appreciation
About the Author
…And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man…”
…And they were both naked, … and were not ashamed.
- Genesis 1:24-25
Foreword
Finding the way to your true purpose may not be an easy task. It takes learning things about yourself, accepting the good and not so good aspects of who you are. Then once learned you can face these truths and be honest about who you really are. A select few achieve the knowledge of self. But most spend a lifetime trying to figure it out. Just when you think you have figured it out, you begin to wrestle with fear and doubt. Do you allow the world to see you for who you are and accept the same? Are you living the way God expects you to? Are there things about you that you need to improve? Do you treat others as you would like to be treated? What if others approve and ridicule you? The questions are endless. One simply leads to another. But life has a way of motivating you to seek change and work through the uncertainty. The journey is sometimes lonely. Family and friends will come and go along the way. Those who remain will keep you balanced and focused. Their encouragement inspires you to know that your true purpose is not about you. The gifts you have are meant to be shared regardless of your fears about how they will be received.
1
Gifts Big and Small
There is simply something awesome about the spirit of giving.
Some gifts come in packages that are big and some small. They often come as a part of a celebration, special occasion, or just because. Gifts say a lot about the person who gives and the one that receives. They can be well thought out, personalized, and crafted especially for you. Or they may be thrown together with little attention and given without any sensitivity for the receiver. When someone decides to give a gift they may be motivated by a sense of appreciation or a sense of obligation to the receiver. In either instance, they each can play a significant role in the type of gift to be given.
Imagine yourself as a giver. Imagine you have taken time to get to know someone and you consider giving them a gift for their birthday. You think that you have found the perfect gift, just the right size and color. You make sure the wrapping is perfect. With much anticipation, you wait in utter delight at the thought of giving the gift. After all, you have taken the time to be selective and prepare the gift for delivery. The receiver of the gift shocks you. Much to your dismay they hardly even acknowledge the gift, complain about it, and shove it back at you with a remark of thanks, but no thanks. Can you imagine how you would feel? Would you be offended because you took time to get the gift or would you be concerned because you did not take the time to get to know the person well enough to give them something they would appreciate? Sure the receiver holds some responsibility in this. Perhaps they could have been thankful to have received your gift at all. Could it be that the giver and the receiver share in the responsibility of cultivating a relationship that yields the best gift experience?
What if God were one of us? Consider how we treat His gifts. Thankfully He is God. He is loving, patient, and kind. He waits patiently for us to choose to use what we have been given. It is certain that He is pleased when we accept our gifts with open hearts and use them for His glory. The cool thing about our gifts is that they come wrapped with ability. Some people are even more blessed to have gifts stuffed with natural talent as well. With a heart to receive and a mind to achieve we can take those gifts and soar. Gratitude comes in giving the gift back in the form of self sacrifice, freely sharing with others without looking for something in return. This pleases Him.
There is simply something awesome about the spirit of giving. It can be rejuvenating and exhilarating. When we give of ourselves without selfish expectation of personal gain we are free to live, to love, to be, and make the difference in the world for which we were created.
There is a lot to be said and admired about people who freely share their gifts. They see life beyond themselves. They understand how amazing God is and want to share what they have. They know they are blessed to be a blessing. Their inner wisdom allows them to give, not only monetarily but also of their time with volunteering to help others.
There are many ways to live with a spirit of giving. The greatest example of a giver is our God. He is truly quite amazing. He gave His only son so we could live the way He intended; free. He sets out a plan for our lives defining our very essence well before we enter the world. Before knowledge itself we were created naked and unashamed. He created us in His image for a purpose. What were you created to be? Is there a passion from within that causes you to dream? That dream defines your joy. There are also those things that come naturally and further define your existence. Some people have natural God given gifts and talents. They do nothing to work toward a certain skill; it just comes naturally to them. Too often our natural talents, gifts and abilities; those that cause us to dream and long for the joy that lives inside, are kept hidden, covered up by the circumstances of our lives.
What gifts do you have that you are keeping to yourself? What fears rest on you that keep you from sharing? Do you know what your gifts are? What would motivate you to figure it out? Upon considering your dreams, believe that the sky is the limit and that you define the sky. God is able, His love and possibilities are endless. Dare to take charge of your life and your future. Dare to live on purpose, passionately and intently focused on your dreams. What God has for you is bigger than you can ever see for yourself.
2
Come and Go With Me
I see the tears, falling from your eyes.
You don’t know why.
Could it be, there is something deep inside that wants to break free?
Come and go with me.
Whenever you feel, like crying.
Remember the strength you have inside.
Come and go with me, on a journey to forever.
Let’s fly away. Just you and me.
There’s something special about you. Come and go with me.
I’ll show you the way, you can be set free.
If you only believe, trust what’s in your heart.
Come and go with me.
You understand in life there are no guarantees.
You’ve got to trust someone, come on and go with me.
There’s a song inside of you, you haven’t begun to sing.
Remember you hold the key, to conquer anything!
Come and go with me, on a journey to self discovery.
3
A Gentle Embrace
Our Father answers prayers in His own time, according to His will. We must learn to trust the answer. We will know when it comes.
“Jump!” JoJo’s father exclaimed as he stood there in the deepest corner of the neighborhood pool. JoJo nervously approached the edge, shivering from fear. He had played in the pool for hours with his Dad and brother. He loved the water, but the thought of jumping in absolutely terrified him. His father sensed his reluctance and simply asked, “JoJo, do you trust me?” At that moment he closed his eyes and jumped in. To his surprise he fell into his father’s arms. I had been having that dream quite often. Tonight my dream was interrupted by the sound of tears.
My husband Elgin was crying. We had buried our son Chris just a few weeks prior. His battle with cancer was over, and Elgin’s was nearing an end as well. He sensed that I was awake and simply said “I miss my son so much”. He knew he would soon join our son in Heaven. Being the eternal optimist, I refused to believe the same.
The days that followed were very dark and heavy. I tried to help Elgin clear his mind by going on an outing to a nature preserve one day. He used to love those places. He perked up a little. We could not stay for long because he was too weak to walk the trails. A few days afterwards, he became quite somber. Our youngest son Josh would try to play with him or talk to him but he had little interest. At the sight of this my heart began to harden. I was turning into stone. I had not taken time to grieve the loss of Chris. I still had another son and a sick husband who needed me. There simply was no time to fall apart. I was determined to fix what life we had left and nurse my husband back to health.
Despite the doctor’s grim reports, I truly believed he would fully recover and regain his gorgeous six-foot muscular build. Soon he would be laughing again and tossing our son Josh over his shoulder in his old familiar playful way. We would rejoice over God’s favor for yet another chance to live. Elgin had survived and beat cancer ten years prior. But the return of that awful disease was not far from expected. The doctor had warned us that it could happen. There were signs every once in a while, but my husband chose not to focus on them. He wanted to take advantage of being happy and healthy, and not have to think about that illness and all of its effects. But his hopes were disengaged. Ten years later, the cancer would return just a few months after our son Chris was diagnosed. The doctors gave their predicted sentencing, calling his time short. His regular Oncologist actually told us that he refused to offer further treatment and advised us to enjoy what time we had. I insisted that something must be done. After much pleading on my part, Elgin was referred to another Oncologist. That doctor at least gave us a glimmer of hope. He offered to treat, but was not making any promises. He encouraged us to pray. His disposition was much more positive than the other doctor’s was. Often times, both Elgin and our son Chris would be doors apart in the same hospital at the same time. After Chris passed away, it was difficult to arrive at the doctor’s office or the hospital with only my husband.
As fall turned to winter, Elgin had a final extended hospital stay. He would be sent home under Hospice care. Before leaving the hospital, he asked me to scratch his back. He used every ounce of his strength to lean toward me as I sat before him. As I reached around his waist to engage my magic scratching fingers, he surprised me with something he had not done in quite a while; he held me in his arms for several moments. Then he whispered ever so sweetly, “thank you”. I had not experienced any real affection from him in over a year. So, to get a genuine embrace was breath taking. Surprised, I laughed and replied, “that sure was one heck of an appreciation for one little back scratch”. He halfway smiled and gave way to the weight of his weakness, then slid back onto the bed. I didn’t realize those would be his last words to me. Nor did it even occur to me that he was not merely thanking me for scratching his back.
The discharge nurse came in and gave me final instructions about home Hospice care. I was instructed to drive ahead of the ambulance that would transport my husband. I hurried to get home that cold night in February. I knew how irritable he would be after being out in the cold night air. I wanted to get home before the ambulance so that I could ensure that the house would be nice and warm and everything made up just right. As usual my mind raced with ‘to do list’ thoughts. ‘The home health agency had delivered the bed, oxygen tanks and other supplies; check. I had shopped earlier and gotten a good supply of Elgin’s favorite foods and juices; check.’ I ran over the checklist inside my head several times. I had grown accustomed to making lists and following details to the letter, doing as much as I could to maintain an atmosphere of peace around him. Things had been so tense between us. My mind continued to ramble. ‘I had already planned out the week; check. Josh’s clothes were already for school; check. His grandparents would bring him home in the morning and stay with Elgin while I took Josh to school; check.’‘A trip! Yes, that’s it!’