Title and Credits
How To Use This Book
Prologue
Introduction: Crisis Time
Understanding Offbeat Sexuality
Feelings vs. Taking Action
Preliminary Quiz: Your Sexual I.Q.
Managing Sexually Compulsive Behavior
Gathering The Information
Dominant and Submissive Roles
The Fetishes
Adult Babies and Infantilism
Ass and Anal Play
Bedroom Talk
Bondage
Cock and Ball Torture (CBT) and Nipple Torture (NT)
Cross-Dressing
Enemas
Erotic Hypnosis and Hypnofetishism
Foot Fetish
Female Sexual Dominance
FemDom Domestic Disciplinary Relationships
Humiliation
Leather, Latex, Lingerie and Other Articles of Clothing
Male Domination
Sexual Role Playing: Characters and Uniforms
Smoking
Spanking
Spanking, SM and Ds: The Different Mindsets Explained
Threesomes and Multiple Partners
Tickling
Honorable Mentions: A Potpourri of Fetishes
Epilogue
Follow-Up Quiz: Your Sexual I.Q.
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Fetish Glossary
Contact Information
Volossal
How To Cope With Your Partner's Unusual Sexual Fetish
by Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT
Edited by Catherine Gigante-Brown
Produced by Vinnie Corbo
Published by Volossal Publishing
www.volossal.com
Copyright © 2011
This book my not be reproduced or resold in whole or in part through print, electronic or any other medium. All rights reserved.
To get the most out of this book, I suggest you read what I call the opening chapters - those addressing the general things everyone needs to understand about any kind of sexual behaviors considered out of the norm. Then proceed to the chapters which go into individual fetishes.
The opening chapters will give you a good basic foundation and understanding of what fetishes are, how to deal with your emotions and how to successfully deal with your man's fetish.
Once you've established what his fetish is, then you can skip ahead to the chapter which focuses in on his particular sexual proclivity. I've devoted chapters to some of the most common fetishes, which are all arranged alphabetically to help you find them easier.
In the event that there isn't a chapter which discusses your man's fetish, you might find it referred to in the chapter named A Potpourri of Fetishes.
Since fetishes are as varied as fingerprints, it's impossible to discuss them all. But I've provided guidelines on how to find out more about your man's specific fetish (and given sample Q&A's) in the chapter called Gathering The Information.
Many men have sexual fantasies or fetishes that are foreign to the average female. Erotically speaking, men have the ability to create elaborate stories or fixate on specific acts, much more than women do. These special needs begin early on in life. These fantasies are often very different than what society prescribes to be the norm. Many involve acts or costuming that are not "ordained" standard conduct between men and women.
If you have an inkling that your guy gets aroused by a particular object, body part or unusual sexual fantasy, this book is for you. Even if you don't have a clue what his desires are but suspect there's something he wants but isn't telling you, I urge you to read on.
Sex is the one subject that even the closest of couples have trepidations about broaching. It is difficult to communicate private needs. Even worse, it's painful to imagine disapproval or rejection once you've bared your soul. No wonder why men prefer to have alone time to watch adult DVDs rather than interact with you! It's much safer emotionally. They feel more comfortable masturbating privately to their dirty little secret rather than risk being ridiculed by a judgmental wife or lover.
Many men feel their fantasy is so shameful that they choose not to involve someone they love and hold dear. They often rationalize that they don't want to make their partners feel 'dirty' or drag them down by involving them in these forbidden fantasies.
How sad. How isolating. How damaging to your relationship. Psychologically speaking, it's also very unhealthy. More men than not harbor some type of sexual fetish, and your partner may be one of them.
If your man has a sexual fetish, please understand:
You might wish that his fetish would simply disappear. Many partners mistakenly believe that if they ignore or don't acknowledge their man's fetish needs, they will eventually go away. No matter how much you want to ignore it, this is not the case. The truth is, he could be getting his needs met elsewhere or at the very least, he's contemplating playing out his fantasies with someone else.
You might also think that some kind of behavioral therapy will offer the cure. Some will say that fetish is a 'learned response'. Somewhere along the way, your man interpreted sexual meaning to a non-sexual event. If that's the case, proponents of behavioral therapy will say he can be reconditioned; with practice, desire and dedication, they believe he can learn to attach sexual desire in a more appropriate way.
My experience is different. Time and time again, in working with fetishists, I've seen that fetishistic sexuality is deeply ingrained. Even though many feel ashamed of their desires, they also derive a great deal of satisfaction from their personal fantasies. Reprogramming is damaging, rejecting and highly judgmental. The message he gets is that he's "broken" and needs to be "fixed".
I'm suggesting something more radical and ultimately more beneficial to you and your relationship. I have the key that will provide knowledge, understanding and real unconditional positive regard for each other. My ideas provide you with a holistic, nurturing alternative that is guaranteed to bring your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level.
Why not embrace and learn about an aspect of your man's sexuality which might actually enhance the bond between you and your mate? Why not accept what's been lying dormant inside your partner and join him in a unique but bonding form of sexuality?
Consider this fact. Sexual fetish and alternative sexuality is very deeply rooted. Studies have shown that fetish behavior forms within the first few years of life. So it's almost built into his psyche. Because of this, your partner's fetish is the key that unlocks sexual arousal for him. It's something that guarantees both pleasurable imagery and powerful orgasms. It's also something he'd probably rather learn to manage than give up. If you choose to turn your cheek and deny the core of his sexuality, chances are good that he'll continue the behavior in some form. Only now, he'll do it alone or with someone else.
With that said, maybe it's time for you to put aside society's puritanical prescription for sex and find out what your man is really thinking about during sex. This book will equip you with key questions to ask and also help you to understand that he's not sick, that he's not deviant or a pervert. He's the guy you love. And as his devoted partner, you naturally want to fulfill his sexual fantasies so that you can be truly intimate with him.
You now have the opportunity to become the world's greatest lover in the eyes of your man. This book will help you find out what he really likes and teach you how to do it - and do it well. You'll learn how to do it as best you can without compromising your own values or feeling manipulated. When you do this, I guarantee that your guy will feel so appreciative that he will never leave you, stray or be interested in any woman but you!
Understanding your guy's inner sexuality will draw the two of you closer together. You don't have to participate completely if it makes you uncomfortable, but a little understanding will go a long way.
Fetishists often experience overwhelming feelings of guilt. Your acceptance of his fetish means everything to him. Ultimately it will make your union much stronger than your next-door neighbors.
In this book, I will ask you to:
I don't view this book as a "how to" guide. Rather, it is a validation of a myriad of human sexual variation filled with suggestions on how you can help him get his erotic needs met. And hopefully, yours too!
Crisis feels immediate. It's a root cause for taking serious action. Chances are strong you recently discovered that your guy's sexuality is unique and out of the norm. So much so that it caused you to search for answers. You are most likely feeling stunned, raw and a little numb. Let's be honest, you've probably had the feeling for some time now that there was some kind of distance between the two of you during sex, and this hunch has recently been confirmed.
What's the matter with your guy? Could it be...
While the answers of A and C might be true, very often a guy looks for extra-curricular sexual activities because he feels something about his sexuality is unusual or out of the norm. He feels embarrassed, silly or guilty for having these feelings. He's tried to push them away or even deny their very existence.
Yet, time after time, at the moment of orgasm...BAM! There's the image or urge right before his eyes. No matter how hard he wishes he fell into society's standards of traditional male/female sexual relations, he's nevertheless incredibly turned on by his own pervasive never-ending fetish, paraphilia or fantasy.
Your guy may have even tried to tell you about it. You might not have truly heard him, realized or understood how significant his confession was, or else you dismissed it with a nervous laugh or a cynical sneer. He might have weakly hinted at it or halfheartedly tried to get you interested in it, but again, you missed the signs.
But today, he finally got up the nerve to tell you. Why today, you wonder? There are many reasons and many possible scenarios.
Why Today?
Reason #1
Today could be the day because he simply can't keep this sexual secret any longer. It tortures him. It gnaws away at him. He hates the way it distances him from you.
He's thought long and hard about telling you. How to do it. When to do it. Why to do it. He's even rehearsed the words over and over in his head with an anxious heart and sweaty, nervous palms, and today, he finally decided to risk it all and take a chance.
Telling you about his hidden sexuality makes him feel extremely vulnerable. It makes him feel scared. He's taking a big gamble of being ridiculed or rejected. Nevertheless, he decided to take the plunge and trust you.
Reason #2
Today might also be the day you connected the dots yourself. Perhaps you discovered that he's been viewing what you consider bizarre and off-color Web sites. These sites are so peculiar and particular, you reason, that no one goes to them by mistake! You're correct in your assumption. People may claim to be "curious" but truthfully, only those who have some type of fetish awareness go to a fetish Web site. These sites rarely have "accidental" visitors.
By making this discovery about his Internet activities, you realize he's into something that you don't know about or share, something that's completely alien to you. To your credit, you've decided to investigate so you can have a greater depth of understanding of the man you love. He'd do the same for you if the roles were reversed. It's the sign of a committed, caring partner.
Reason #3
Another scenario might be that today he confessed that he's been seeing someone else in order to enact his fetishes or fantasies. While he feels badly about betraying you, at the same time he doesn't feel as though he's cheated. Not technically. After all, he hasn't had sex with the prostitute, sex worker or Dominatrix whose services he's hired. She's merely been the vehicle by which he can express his own erotic variation. When he sees her, he feels validated, he feels whole. He finds it a great relief to finally be able to unburden himself and tell another human being about his sexual secrets.
But at the same time, he feels guilty because he's also keeping this very important aspect of himself from you. In truth, he wants YOU to be the partner in his erotic adventures. You're the woman he loves and the one he wants to share them with, not some anonymous hired professional.
Reason #4
Or you might be reading this book because your man bought it for you as a vehicle not only to "come out" and make his fetish "confession" to you but also as a means for you to begin to understand his desires and hopefully, even join him on this exciting journey of discovery.
At any rate, it's difficult for you to hear this kind of acknowledgement. While it might be cathartic for him, it's confusing as hell for you. Some might initially interpret it as "cheating". But before you run out the door, I ask you to consider this:
Seeing a sex worker is as healing, and as shameless, as seeing a psychotherapist. Keeping a huge secret from a loved one can be so burdensome that it affects both the person's physical and mental health. Visiting a person who validates his fetish desires may have been necessary in order to keep him feeling mentally stable.
Please understand that a professional does not have a vested interest in your partner. She is not in a personal relationship with him. She merely did some investigation, learned about your guy's "out of the norm" fetish and enacted it with him to the best of her ability. A clean, business transaction was involved. He paid her money for a service which she provided in a highly-professional manner. It's not so different than someone paying a cleaning lady to do housekeeping for them or hiring a private chef to cook for them. Only this is a type of 'emotional housekeeping'. This pro can easily be replaced, just like another cleaning lady or cook can be hired to do the same job.
However, in this case, the best replacement is you.
What You Can Do
Whether he volunteered the information or you discovered it on your own, either way, you're probably feeling a variety of emotions. The best way to describe them might be as grief or loss.
This is a "loss" experience because something new has been introduced into your relationship. In a sense you have "lost" your old relationship and nothing will ever be quite the same again. You have additional information that directly impacts your intimacy. You can no longer live in denial. Your partner has special needs and you've decided to confront them, embrace them, and hopefully, accept them.
First, I want you to congratulate yourself on being an open-minded, modern woman. You've picked up this book because you have a desire to learn. Discovering something unusual about your partner's sexuality naturally produces emotional upheaval within yourself. You've chosen this book in order to educate yourself and try to make sense out of his sexuality.
However, relationships, as with all partnerships, involve two human beings. Before you delve into investigating him, it's important to acknowledge your own emotions. I'm listing them here in order of intensity rather than alphabetically.
Your Feelings:
Shock
The first emotion you feel is most probably shock. How traumatic it is to discover something which is initially so disturbing! Fetish and the paraphilia associated with it are forms of eroticism that most of us have no prior knowledge of or experience dealing with. Fetish is not taught in high school Sex Ed classes. (But maybe it should be!) Your head is swimming with a million thoughts and questions.
So, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Try to relax and realize that what you've just discovered is not as mysterious or disturbing as you might think. He hasn't committed murder! As you read further, you'll learn that his avant-garde interests are not so uncommon as you might first imagine.
Partnering with your man at this time will in fact bring a new depth and dimension into your relationship. Enacting fetish and fantasy doesn't have to be dark and scary; it can also be fun. I promise that this book will make it easy, practical and palatable for you.
Anger
Another initial response is also anger. You could feel betrayed that he has "another life" so to speak. Whether he's acted upon these urges or not, he still has to be spending a great amount of time daydreaming about them and obsessing over something he's never shared with you. And this makes you feel mad!
Now he's dumped a big mess in your lap. What are you supposed to do with this information? Who wants to be hooked up with a man whom you may now see as a sexual deviant or pervert?
First, acknowledge your anger. Don't bottle it in. You have every right to feel the way you do. Education, understanding and putting yourself into his shoes can help you work through the initial rush of rage. Then step back and try to imagine telling someone your most embarrassing secret. How would you want to be treated? How would you want them react? Ridicule is the last thing you'd want.
This book will not only give you an understanding, but a variety of ways to manage the fetish within the context of your own personal relationship. You aren't required to do as much as you're required to allow his secret to be "safe" with you.
Fear
This information might also be scary for you. After all, it's out of your realm of experience. You might not even consider it "normal". Sexual deviation might not be in tune with your personal morality. You may even be thinking that this is a deal breaker: "Either he gets rid of this behavior or I'll leave."
But hang in there just a little bit longer. At least until after you finish this book.
Acceptance
Yes, acceptance! Trust me, you'll begin to feel acceptance as time goes on. The more you come to understand about fetish, the less intimidating it will be. You'll even begin to realize that you've actually been given a gift - the gift of a deeper intimacy and unparalleled trust.
You've been given a valuable tool to become his dream lover: this book. It will teach you many ways to use your gift properly.
Joy
It's time for the two of you to embark on an exciting new path. There are no more "pink elephants" in the room, no more 800 pound gorillas that nobody talks about. There are no more secrets between you and wedging you apart. You now have the opportunity to become more involved and more intimate with your man. The more you learn, the more you'll know, and the more eroticism you'll experience. You now possess the key to the switch that is guaranteed to turn him on. You're truly a lucky gal!
The Truth About His Sexuality
And now for a bit of what some might consider bad news:
Your man cannot rid himself of a fetish or paraphilia.
But the good news is that he can manage it with your help.
Although religion teaches tolerance and forgiveness, it's also fear-based. We condemn what we do not understand. Give yourself some time to digest the information contained in this book and learn as much as you can about your guy's sexuality. Learn it from him.
Remember, everyone is unique. This book will help you to explore and ask the proper questions in order to gain knowledge and understanding of the person who matters to you most. You'll also learn to acknowledge yourself and be gently guided through ways to take care of yourself and to recognize your own personal boundaries. You have many options laid out before you. Only you can decide how much or how little you will ultimately participate.
In Summary
You've just made a discovery about something that will impact your relationship in a profound way. Whether profoundly good or profoundly bad is entirely up to you. You need to give yourself some time to digest this mind-blowing information. Allow yourself the permission to feel whatever you need to feel.
But remember your emotions aren't always accurate. They are just feelings - and feelings can change, or evolve, just as everything in life does. Think back on the many ways your relationship has changed from the time you first began dating. This is just another step in its evolution.
The fact is that your guy has something unique about his sexuality. Another fact is that you have the opportunity to embrace it and help him manage it in a healthy way.
This book gives you all the tools you need to know to get started on your sexual expedition. The real facts - and answers - will come from him. Ultimately, the two of you will refine your interaction so that it's not just his fetish but part of your intimate lives together.
With any fetish, don't buy into the rhetoric that says fetish removes people from interacting with each other and that the idea of fetish play is distancing. I've found it to be quite the opposite. Fetish interaction brings couples closer together and allows them to bring sexual dreams to life. What unites a couple more than honesty?
Remember, fetish does not define your man. It is only one component of his sexuality and of your life with him. Understanding his fantasy life will succeed in deepening your relationship.
The technical terminology used in this book is less important than the reality of the definition of what “out of the norm” sexuality means to you. If you want to be correct and precise, your partner's behavior falls under the category of sexual paraphilia with a subcategory of sexual fetish. But personally, I think it's more helpful and healing to just think of his sexuality as being offbeat, unconventional or avant-garde, or to put a more positive twist to it; progressive. Sometimes the terminology you use to describe his interests impacts the way you feel be it positively or negatively.
Take a look at the definition of avant-garde. It means to represent a pushing of the boundaries of what is accepted as the norm or the status quo, primarily in the cultural realm. It can also be used to refer to people or works that are experimental and innovative, particularly with respect to art, culture and politics. Now that’s not so bad is it? We’re merely extending that definition to include sexuality.
Let's Get The Scientific Lingo Out Of The Way
The technical name for your man's interests is “sexual paraphilia”, which describes your partner's proclivities for having an inclination towards unusual sexual preferences. These desires are deeply embedded and define his sexuality in a profound way. It's a personality trait that's very much a part of who he is both as a person and as a sexual being.
We’ll go into paraphilia in greater depth in the chapter called Managing Sexually Compulsive Behavior, but I’ll give you a crash course right here.
A paraphilia is a condition involving sex fetishes where a person's sexual arousal and gratification depend on fantasizing about and engaging in sexual behavior that is atypical and sometimes extreme. A paraphilia can revolve around a particular sex fetish like an object (black fishnet stockings or a rubber apron, for example) or around a particular sex fetish act like cigarette smoking or spanking.
Fetish is the blanket term used in this book. I feel it’s a friendlier word and doesn’t sound as cold and “clinical” as paraphilia does.
What Is A Sexual Fetish?
In plain language, people who have a fetish, sexualize something as opposed to someone. That something may be an object, an act or a behavior. A fetishist becomes aroused in a nontraditional way. The fetish can involve the use of nonliving objects such as stiletto heels, leather or latex. Or anything else you can imagine. Even some things you can’t!
Fetish can also be about obsessive ritualistic behaviors such as spanking, bondage or costuming.
Roles are also aligned with fetishistic behavior. This book is primarily geared toward male fetishists who enjoy the submissive role. Meaning, the guy who wants his woman to render him powerless and “force” him to engage in behaviors that ultimately evoke sexual arousal in him. And ultimately (hopefully!), in you. Because, let’s face it, turning on your man is the ultimate turn-on.
Men who have fetishes need to at least think of their own particular trigger in order to orgasm. Even while having standard intercourse, he calls upon the fetish fantasy to get him excited and relaxed enough to let go.
Where Does It Come From?
The etiology, or cause, of fetishism is not known conclusively. The current school of thought supports the belief that physiological causal is associated with abnormalities in the brain’s temporal lobe. In other words, people are born with the fetish gene.
For example, a man who gets aroused by wedgies (seeing people with their underwear “wedged” between their butt cheeks) might recall always being aroused by this thought, and even seeking out wedgie websites on the Internet as a youngster. In fact, one of my clients recently shared his “wedgie memories” with me, and this is exactly what he said.
Whether or not this proclivity gets actualized, or acted upon, is dependent on environmental stimuli and early arousal-causing events. Did a young playmate agree to “wedgie play” during a game of Truth or Dare? Did he see a wedgie by chance?
Scientific research on fetishes is the same as the current thoughts on homosexuality and even addiction. No one really chooses their sexuality or compulsive behaviors. Environmental conditions allow these predisposed tendencies to bloom and fester, sometimes to the degree that the fetish becomes all too consuming. This generally happens when there are associated feelings of guilt and shame. But the good news is that fetish can be managed and incorporated into a healthy sexual lifestyle.
Prior to more recent scientific studies, Sigmund Freud suggested that fetishism is a learned behavior that results when a normal sexual stimulus is paired with a fetish item. The common example used to illustrate how a foot fetish develops goes like this:
A male toddler crawls on the floor. Inadvertently his penis rubs against his mother’s shoe. The resulting pleasure is then associated with the shoe, and a foot fetish is likely to develop.
We’ve learned a great deal in the field of psychology since Freud was cutting his fetish eyeteeth in the late 1800s. Yes, the young boy rationalizes that it was the shoe that gave him a good feeling. As a result a shoe or foot fetish is established. Today’s experts take Dr. Freud a step further and now believe that this little boy already had a predisposing condition or gene that allowed for the association. This is why other little boys would have the very same experience and not develop the fetish.
Most fetishists have no clue as to how or why their fetish occurred. They report thinking about their fetish as young as age five or six. Many claim they don’t recall a time when they didn’t have this fetish. It’s like an old friend, a favorite stuffed animal that always seemed to be there to comfort them. However, the fetish was not sexualized at the time since children don’t have a conscious awareness of sexuality. Their fetish thought lays dormant during latency (the period between their first fetish experience and puberty) and reemerges when sexual development begins. In fact, many recall having their very first orgasm while thinking about their fetish.
The fetish image usually occurs spontaneously during arousal. It’s not something that can be controlled. As the person develops, the fetish behavior keeps popping up during masturbation or sexual interactions. Depending on the individual’s own lifestyle, he may or may not openly engage in the fetish activity. But the desire is always with them, whether acted upon or not. It’s dormant and waiting patiently to be realized.
Some people keep their fetish thoughts to themselves and do not choose this as an interactive activity. For many, primal desires emerge as the fetishist grows older. It’s very common for men to first act upon their urges when middle age approaches, although the fetish has been with them for as long as they remember.
Sometimes acting upon a fetish happens concurrent with high stress life events such as divorce, job loss and anxiety over getting older. Realizing a longtime fetish helps them cope; it’s a comfort to them.
Foreign To Women
Women often have a difficult time grasping the concept of sexual fantasy or fetish. Female sexuality generally tends to be centered around romance and intimacy, not an object. The feminine ideal is often to luxuriate in their partner’s arms and “make love.”
Another typically female trait is that women usually want to feel as though they are their man’s sole love interest. They want to be the only object of his desire. They certainly don’t want to compete with a fantasy that has nothing to do with them! Because of this, they interpret the fetish as being the “third wheel” in bed. “The Other Woman,” so to speak.
Although these feelings of jealousy are completely valid, ultimately you’ll realize that they’re incorrect and actually a hindrance in achieving your goal.
So, What’s The Goal?
The goal for you is to join with your partner in this erotic journey. The more you understand, the more you can participate with him.
Yes, it would be far less complicated if he just wanted to kiss, cuddle, and have traditional, Missionary-style intercourse. However, it could be worse. He could be unfaithful, abusive or a criminal. The sexual fetish that you initially found so intimidating just might be the tool to transform your relationship into something unique, solid and long-lasting. Your knowledge will give you ultimate power both in and out of the bedroom.
A large part of your growth process is to change your belief system about sexuality. Redefining some unrealistic image of what sex should be and replacing it with the reality of what is. True intimacy isn’t really about that elusive experience of joining as one. It’s not always a spiritual coming together.
Sexuality comes in an endless variety of sensations, images and depictions. Erotic flames ignite uniquely with every human being. It is our human right to enjoy sexual imagery without judgment or disapproval. Remember, all sexuality is unconditionally “okay” as long as it is between consenting adults.
You are embarking on an exciting voyage to become a participating adult in your partner’s unique brand of sexuality. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare yourself for a truly enlightening ride.
What’s Required?
I think the two most important requirements are an open mind and a sense of adventure.
When embracing your man’s fetish you’ll take on different roles and perform acts that are generally not equated with traditional bedroom activity. You’ll learn a new language and different techniques in order to be truly intimate with your man.
But trust me, nothing will be too difficult or out of the realm of acceptance. A little will go a long way toward making him incredibly happy. Sometimes being educated and accommodating is all you need to do. In other words, you don’t need to learn the “hardware” as much as you need to be open to the cerebral part of your guy’s own, unique fetish. After all, you don’t have to know the name of every part of the car to enjoy the trip, right?
Making Your Decision
Granted, your man’s sexuality belongs to him. Some of the acts that will be described in the upcoming chapters may seem at best, foreign and a bit alien, and at the worst, weird and slightly creepy.
Your first impulse might be to turn away from him and pretend his fetish doesn’t exist. You might also hope he’ll outgrow it or that he’ll give it up if you ask him to.
But believe me, fetish does not go away. It’s too deeply ingrained to disappear with a forced promise or the snap of the fingers. Chances are, it was there long before you were. Fetish is an expression of your man’s sexuality and it should be embraced. At the very least, you should make an effort to understand it.
Contrary to popular belief, fetish is not inherently a disordered addiction. Unless it is compulsive or disruptive, it should not be considered a sexual addiction and should not be treated as one.
Your goal should be to make your partner feel accepted and comfortable with an aspect of his personality that is not within his realm of control. To truly understand his fetish, it’s necessary to explore his feelings of guilt and isolation. It’s key for you to learn a way to incorporate sexual fetish into your sexual repertoire as one part and only one part of your overall sexual activity.
Once you discover that your partner has a fetish, you basically have a few choices:
Let’s explore your options together.
Why Embrace Rather Than Reject?
Embracing his fetish means that you want to get closer to your man. It means that you understand the shame that goes hand in hand with his confession. It means that you care enough to educate yourself and come to the understanding that fetish behavior is deeply embedded into your man’s ability to be intimate.
Fetish is intensely personal, private and yet it is also perceived as somewhat disgraceful to him. That’s why he held back about telling you. We still live in a puritanical, judgmental society that supports rigid sexual standards. You can get so much closer to your partner by giving him the opportunity to unburden himself and speak frankly about something he’s held inside of him for a very long time. You have the ability to make him feel good about himself and his eccentric desires, and that’s pretty incredible.
Women who embrace their partner’s sexual fetish are virtually guaranteed a life ticket of devotion. He’ll never cheat or lie. He knows there’s no reason. He’s entrusted you with his deepest, darkest secret and you’ve risen to the challenge. You are being accepting instead of condescending. You have chosen to accompany him on this intimate expedition.
How To...
Truthfully, it doesn’t take much to enact a fetish. Something that you’ll find pretty effortless (with my help!) will mean so much to him.
Each fetish has its own specific requirements in terms of costuming, props and verbiage. I consider these fetishes so unique and important that each has its own individual chapter. Every chapter will provide you with a broad overview and questions for you to ask your mate. You’ll learn how to listen openly and objectively. The result will be a fulfilling experience for him, which in turn will be rewarding and esteem-building for you. I mean, who doesn’t want to be worshipped and thought of as a goddess?
The anticipation and language turns on most fetishists to the utmost degree. Just hearing about what you will do to him is often enough to provide him with a great deal of satisfaction. Often, just hearing a buzzword or two will instantly bring him to a state of hyper-arousal.
A good example of working around a fetish that might be distasteful for you but a turn on for him is the “threesome fantasy”. Although you may not want to invite another woman into your bedroom, you can still feed his fantasy by simply talking about it. Describe what might happen between the three of you in exquisite detail and take pleasure in his heightened reaction. You see, by acknowledging his fetish, you are participating, albeit passively, accepting and embracing the fantasy without actually doing it.
The same can be true of every fetish and fantasy. You may not want to physically tie him up, whip him till he begs you to stop, pee on his face, pinch his nipples or tie up his testicles but you can at least indulge him by making up a story. By recognizing his fetish, you are validating him, saying silently through your actions that it’s okay for him to think about whatever floats his boat. You’ve given him the freedom to feel comfortable with his fetish and share intimate parts of his psyche with you.
Cons: A Warning To Those Who Choose To Look The Other Way
What happens if you choose to ignore, berate or oppose your guy’s fetish? Men who feel alone in their sexuality feel so bad that the most common reaction is for them to retreat. Invariably these men go out and seek erotic relief elsewhere. They often spend countless hours online masturbating by themselves. And what a sad, lonely image this is of someone you love!
This time he spends by himself online may also lead to “chatting” with other like-minded people in specialty chat rooms. This venue is actually a means of self-healing as people with a fetish find themselves feeling alone and separate from those in “polite society.” A fetish chat room is an accepting place, somewhere they are the norm rather than the outcast.
Sometimes fetishists also pay professional women - i.e. prostitutes, Dominatrixes or escorts to fulfill their needs. While they find some degree of satisfaction with this type of outlet, they often leave feeling empty. And that’s not just because they’ve emptied their pockets! (And wouldn’t you rather he spend the money on you?) They’ve spilled their soul to a stranger, rather than to someone they love; you. They’ve turned an intimate part of themselves into a cold business transaction.
Before you know it, an emotional wall is built between the two of you that grows thicker and stronger over the years. Soon bedroom intimacy becomes a distant memory. Your lives are about outside events but not about the two of you.
If you think about it, men have good reason for keeping their fetish a secret:
When men choose not to tell their partner about their fetish, they make a loud-and-clear statement about their union. It says that they don’t trust you. They silently pick up on your judgmental vibes. Their silence is the wall that grows taller and stronger as your relationship develops. And from my experience as a therapist, I can tell you that distance is an insidious disease. You don’t know it’s there until it takes over and destroys your bond.
Take Action
By reading this book, you’ve already made the decision to change your way of thinking. Or at least to seriously consider it. Rather than seeing his fetish as something that needs to be erased, you’re choosing to learn about it and participate in it as best as you can. You are to be applauded for your open-minded attitude and your large capacity to love.
But be prepared because you’re also about to embark on a voyage that will lead to intimacy in previously uncharted territory. This book will serve as your guide. It will be a map that will show you the way to learn all you can about your partner’s own distinctive sexual fetish.
As leader of this expedition you will feel an enormous surge of empowerment. I’ll hold your hand through it all and will show you how to accomplish your goal. Each of “The Fetishes” chapters will teach you the basics of a particular fetish and will provide you with the questions you need to ask in order to bring your man’s own inner fantasy to life.
You’re on your way to being his best lover ever. Just turn the page.
One of the best pieces of advice I can offer it to be careful of your thoughts. It’s very easy to consider your man’s sexual variation as being “his fault” or think of it as “his problem”. At this point, you might feel certain that you can’t get involved in his fetish. You could even be harboring angry thoughts because you prefer to be with a “normal” guy. I urge you not to think of it as anyone’s fault or even a problem.
The only results these kinds of thoughts accomplish are feelings of negativity which are of no use to either of you. They serve as a wedge between you. Ultimately, they don’t help you achieve the goal of having a close, intimate lasting relationship.
You and only you have the capacity to change your way of thinking. The first step toward doing this is to practice empathy. Your man most likely thinks of himself as “perverted” which ultimately makes him feel ashamed.
I want you to put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Let’s imagine the fetish from his point of view.
If your partner has a fetish, he most likely feels:
Conflicted
He wonders why he’s sexually different than other guys. Most likely he has no idea where his fetish originated. But what he does know is that the fetish is more powerful than his feelings of revulsion. In other words, no matter how much he’s tried to “will it away”, which I guarantee you, he has, these sexual urges will not go away.
Embarrassed
Some fetishes/fantasies - like submission, forced feminization or cuckolding, for example - cause him to think or behave in ways he perceives to be “less than a man”. As a result, they can be very embarrassing to talk about. He would rather die than tell his guys friends. They just wouldn’t understand and chances are very good that they’d be critical and judgmental. Similarly, wives have been known to turn their backs on their husbands with taboo desires like these and even worse, to be dismissive of their men’s deep, dark secret once he has the nerve to reveal it to them.
Alienated
But most of all, he feels isolated, abandoned, alienated. He would so much like to be able to talk about his feelings and desires with someone but he doesn’t dare. The fear of being rejected is just too great. No one wants be considered a weirdo or a freak. Unfortunately extremely derogatory terms have been attached to any kind of sexuality that’s out of the norm. And personally, I believe this has got to change in order for fetishists to find a sense of peace within themselves.
Enough About Him: Dealing with Your Feelings
Conversely, your reflexive feelings of being put off by his fetish are completely normal and natural. It’s not easy to learn that there’s a facet to your man that you never, ever imagined. His sexual difference feels disconcerting, frightening, even off-putting. There’s a part of you that would just like his fetish to vanish.
It might also make you feel angry or a bit cheated. Why me you might ask? Why did I have to find out this kind of thing now when everything was going so nicely?
By this time, you’ve hopefully accepted the fact that your guy’s fetish won’t go away. As I mentioned earlier, if you choose to ignore it, chances are quite strong that you’ll have a man who strays. Even if he doesn’t stray physically, he’ll stray mentally. He’ll “cheat” in his thoughts and be forced to slink around in a sneaky, secretive manner because you refuse to embrace or even “try on” his fetish for size. Eventually, you’ll notice him spending more and more time alone at the computer. Working, he might tell you, but instead, he’ll be skulking away to download pornography, visit online chat rooms, seek out the services of a sex worker or worse, he’ll form a “kinky relationship” with another woman.
It may feel like an unfair choice to you: accept his fetish or risk losing him. But those are the choices you have. Like it or not, this fetish is a prime ingredient of your man’s sexual makeup. You can opt to join in and create a happy, harmonious relationship. Or you can elect to reject his fetish and distance yourself from your partner. The choice is yours.
Confused
I understand your initial doubts and feelings of ambivalence. This is not what you originally signed up for when you and your man met and began dating. It’s confusing to learn about an interest that strays so far from what we were brought up to believe is “normal” sex.
Most of us learned that intimacy is all about kissing, hugging, caressing, fondling and other types of socially-acceptable foreplay that lead to “vanilla” sexual intercourse. We want the sex act to be all about us—and our vaginas. We don’t want it to involve diapers, a smack on the bottom or dangerously-high stiletto heels! When we find out differently we have a knee jerk reaction which may be negative and harmful to our relationship. But let’s explore that thought process.
Should You Listen to Your Feelings?
It depends upon whether or not your thoughts are based on fact.
Try and be honest with yourself and rationally figure out “deal breakers” in your relationship. For example, would you leave him for betrayal, cheating and untrustworthy behavior or would you walk out because he thinks differently than you do? My guess is that you’d opt for a guy who’s loyal, honest and faithful. Private thoughts and fantasies take a back seat to overt acts of deception. Think of it this way: the moment of orgasm lasts less than a minute. Are those few seconds really that important in comparison to the remaining 1,399 minutes in a day?
When you harbor thoughts that your husband’s fetish is weird, wrong or unhealthy, you naturally start to feel bad about yourself. You might try to convince yourself that you chose your mate poorly and that you lacked foresight or judgment in your union. Your thoughts also might make you feel angry because his “out of the norm” sexuality requires that you get up off your butt and take action.
Upon learning the intricacies of his fetish and what it might involve—scripting, costuming, etc.—you might initially think of all the work it involves. True, some fantasies do require your active participation and some “work” on your part. Participation requires education, creativity and planning. That’s a lot more work than most women have to do in the bedroom. It’s more involved than lying on your back and looking pretty. But if you do it right, fetish fulfillment can be much more rewarding.
However, if you think about his fetish as being more trouble than it’s worth, it’s easy to begin to feel weary, angry and very alone. You might ask:
See where this is leading? I bet just reading these phrases are bringing up strong emotions in you. But that’s not entirely a bad thing. I want you to notice what you’re experiencing in your body right now. Chances are that your breathing is shallow, you feel knots in your stomach and your energy level is low.
But the good news is that you have the ability to control your thoughts. You can change your way of thinking to include helpful, positive and soothing self-messages.
Listen and take heed to these kinds of thoughts:
I’lI bet that when you read these statements something changed in your body. Your breathing became calmer, your stomach felt better and you probably grew more relaxed and confident.
I can’t stress enough how strongly thoughts influence feelings. Change your thought-pattern into words that reflect acceptance, positivity and empathy. You’ll feel happier, tranquil and more capable. You’ll also realize that your guy is worth the effort.
Some women cook huge meals for their mates. They’ll tell you that it’s an expression of love. Accepting your man’s fetish is very much the same thing. It’s a declaration of love.
But just like you need to prepare for a sumptuous meal ahead of time, you’ll also need to plan for a fetish episode—get the “ingredients,” prepare the meal, then make the big presentation. And I’m willing to bet that he’ll be more agreeable to cleaning up the bedroom than he’d be cleaning up the kitchen!
Be The Initiator
Some women do all the fetish research and then wait patiently for him to make the move. When they do act out the fetish scenario, it’s with an underlying attitude of resentment. They do it solely to please their partners but with an “I can’t wait to get it over with” manner. Or else they just go through with the scene so he’ll get off their back. Their attitude is half-hearted and begrudging, and worst of all, their partner can sense it. Almost as bad as not taking part in the fetish at all!
’’