THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ
THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ
OBERON BOOKS
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First published in 2015 by Oberon Books Ltd
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Copyright © Caroline Bird, 2015
Caroline Bird is hereby identified as author of this play in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights.
All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before commencement of rehearsal to The Agency (London) Ltd. 24 Pottery Lane, Holland Park, London, W11 4LZ (info@theagency.co.uk). No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained, and no alterations may be made in the title or the text of the play without the author’s prior written consent.
You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or binding or by any means (print, electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
PB ISBN: 9781783199822
EPUB ISBN: 9781783199839
Cover design byRhys Jarman
Printed, bound and converted
by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY.
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The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was first performed at Northern Stage, Newcastle upon Tyne on Saturday 28 November 2015, with the following cast:
DOROTHY Tessa Parr
SCARECROW Maria Crocker
NICK CHOPPER (also known as Tin-Man) Carl Kennedy
LION Michael Blair
WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST Zoe Lambert
GLINDA THE GOOD Alice Blundell
THE WIZARD OF OZ Jeremy Bradfield
AUNT EM & QUEEN OF THE FIELD MOUSES Ruth Johnson
OFFICER CHEESE-DREAM Edward Christensen
NIMMIE Leah Mains
SQUIRREL SECRETARY William Wyn Davies
KALIDAH Alexander Hall
LIEUTENANT SCURRY SCURRY Bethany Wood
All other parts played by members of the company.
Writer Caroline Bird
Director Mark Calvert
Designer Rhys Jarman
Music Composition and Direction Jeremy Bradfield
Lighting Designer Johnny Goodwin
Sound Designer Nick John Williams
Movement Director Rebecca Frecknall
Assistant Director Tom Walton
Contents
Characters
Scene One
Scene Two
Scene Three
Scene Four
Scene Five
Scene Six
Scene Seven
Scene Eight
Scene Nine
Scene Ten
Scene Eleven
Scene Twelve
Scene Thirteen
Scene Fourteen
Scene Fifteen
Scene Sixteen (Dorothy’s Opium Vision.)
Scene Seventeen (Back in the Poppy Field.)
Scene Eighteen
Scene Nineteen
Scene Twenty
Scene Twenty-One
Scene Twenty-Two
Scene Twenty-Three
Scene Twenty-Four
Scene Twenty-Five
Scene Twenty-Six
Scene Twenty-Seven
Scene Twenty-Eight
Scene Twenty-Nine
Scene Thirty
Scene Thirty-One
Scene Thirty-Two
Scene Thirty-Three
Scene Thirty-Four
Scene Thirty-Five
Scene Thirty-Six
Scene Thirty-Seven
Scene Thirty-Eight
Characters
Our Intrepid Adventurers:
DOROTHY (Her costume can be anything except a pretty dress.)
TOTO (A foul-mouthed hand-puppet voiced
by the actor playing Dorothy.)
SCARECROW
NICK CHOPPER (Also known as Tin-Man.)
LION
The inhabitants of Greysby:
AUNT EM
MRS GULCH
MISS MEASLEY
MRS SMIRCH
MRS GRUEL
MRS TIGHTFIST
MR TIGHTFIST
MADAME SLUDGE
MR OFFAL
The Witches and their slaves:
WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST
WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST
GLINDA THE GOOD
WINKIE SLAVE
CRYSTAL BALL
The Munchkins:
MAYOR BOQ
SWIPPLE
WHIRLEY POP
LAFFY TAFFY
GOSH SMILEY
NIMMIE
Creatures of the Yellow Brick Road and the Forest
PROFESSOR CROW
CROW BAR
SQUIRREL SECRETARY
FROG
DEER
OWL
FIGHTING TREE 1
FIGHTING TREE 2
EVIL KALIDAH
PURPLE WILD-CAT (Non-speaking.)
The Field Mouses Army (Not mice, mouses.):
QUEEN OF THE FIELD MOUSES
PRIVATE SQUEAK
LIEUTENANT SCURRY-SCURRY
OFFICER CHEESE-DREAM
The inhabitants of the Emerald Provinces:
PELICAN
GUARDIAN OF THE GATE
EMERALD CITIZEN 1
EMERALD CITIZEN 2
WIZARD’S SECRETARY
WIZARD (Levitating Head.)
OLD MAN
The inhabitants of Winkie County (The West):
FLYING MONKEYS (Non-speaking.)
LEADER OF THE FLYING MONKEYS
A VIOLINIST (Non-speaking.)
WINKIE GUARD 1
WINKIE GUARD 2
WINKIE GUARD 3
GHOST OF WITCH’S MOTHER
Note on style: the sillier the scene, the more seriously it should be played.
SCENE ONE
GREYSBY. A fictional town surrounded by industrial wasteland. American accents are not required. Everything is grey: the houses, the grass, the fences, even people’s faces have a grey tint.
Two grey, rickety houses side by side, with pitiful squares of gritty earth out front, framed by grey picket fences.
The house stage-left belongs to AUNT EM. An erected sign outside her garden reads ‘GREYSBY, POPULATION: 15.’
The house stage-right belongs to MRS GULCH. In that garden, another sign reads: ‘GREYSBY COMMUNITY GROUP. TUESDAY, 10 A.M. SHARP. BRING YOUR OWN FOOD.’
DOROTHY and AUNT EM are standing stage-left.
AUNT EM: (To DOROTHY.) Greysby may not look like much.
AUNT EM takes out a pen from her handbag and changes the sign, crossing out the ‘15’ and replacing it with ‘16’.
Binoculars appear in MRS GULCH’s window.
Enter MISS MEASLEY and MRS SMIRCH. They chatter in the corner, clutching cling-filmed plates of unidentifiable grey food.
MISS MEASLEY: What shade is your lipstick?
MRS SMIRCH: Ash Tastic. What’s yours?
MRS GULCH rushes out of her house, watching DOROTHY and AUNT EM intently.
MISS MEASLEY: Puddle Passion. Try some. (They swap lipsticks.)
MRS GULCH takes out her greyest pen and adds to her meeting sign: ‘NO CHILDREN…’
AUNT EM: (To DOROTHY.) It may not be much.
TOTO: BARKO!
Taking TOTO’s hint, AUNT EM adds ‘(and TOTO)’ to the population sign.
Seeing this, MRS GULCH immediately adds ‘…OR DOGS’ to her sign.
AUNT EM: But. It’s your home now, Dorothy. And so am I.
MRS GULCH: (Loudly, in greeting.) Mrs Smirch! Miss Measley!
DOROTHY and AUNT EM both jump in surprise.
MISS MEASLEY and MRS SMIRCH greet MRS GULCH at her door, handing over their grey plates.
MRS SMIRCH: Pulped eggplant.
MISS MEASLEY: Mushroom pate.
MRS SMIRCH: Twiglets glazed in liver oil.
MRS GULCH: How exotic!
Enter MRS GRUEL, also carrying a cling-filmed plate.
Mrs Gruel! How’s the gout?
MRS GRUEL: Terrible. Leaking. Oozing thick grey fluid. I brought fish-paste sandwiches.
AUNT EM: (To DOROTHY.) Fetch our surprise.
DOROTHY runs into AUNT EM’s house, then runs back with a large plate covered in a tea-towel. She carries it proudly towards MRS GULCH’s door.
MRS SMIRCH: Quiet today is it not?
MISS MEASLEY: The perfect silent morning in the wasteland.
MRS GRUEL: How I love gazing out on the nothingness!
DOROTHY and AUNT EM arrive at the door. Like a magician, DOROTHY whips the tea-towel from the plate to reveal a stack of bright pink cupcakes; the only colourful objects visible on the stage.
DOROTHY: Da darrrr!
MRS GRUEL, MISS MEASLEY and MRS SMIRCH scream in terror.
AUNT EM: Ladies.
MRS GULCH: What on earth…?
AUNT EM: Dorothy baked these…
DOROTHY: Fairy cakes
AUNT EM: …herself.
MRS GULCH: What shade of grey is that?
DOROTHY: It’s pink.
MISS MEASLEY: Pink?
DOROTHY: Opposite of blue.
MRS SMIRCH: What’s blue?
MRS GRUEL: Is she ill?
AUNT EM: Aren’t they glorious?
MISS MEASLEY: It’s burning my retinas.
MRS GULCH: Get yourselves indoors ladies.
MRS SMIRCH: Eye-drops! I need eye-drops!
MRS GRUEL, MISS MEASLEY and MRS SMIRCH enter MRS GULCH’s house, deeply distressed.
MRS GULCH: (To AUNT EM, pointing at the sign.) No children or dogs.
DOROTHY: OI! You’ve just scribbled that on!
MRS GULCH: No one seeks opinions from a toddler.
DOROTHY: I’m twelve years old, you…
TOTO: Bark!
DOROTHY: (To TOTO.) Toto, don’t swear.
MRS GULCH: Unless you both want to be excommunicated from the Greysby social circle…
DOROTHY: Don’t you threaten my auntie!
AUNT EM: (To MRS GULCH.) Sorry, she stands up for everyone.
MRS GULCH: (To AUNT EM.) I was very kind after Jo died, leaving you penniless.
DOROTHY: (To MRS GULCH.) She’s got me now.
AUNT EM: (To DOROTHY.) Maybe play out here for an hour?
DOROTHY: But…
Enter MRS TIGHTFIST and MR TIGHTFIST.
MRS GULCH: Mr and Mrs Tightfist!
DOROTHY: Play with what?
AUNT EM: Forgive me.
AUNT EM enters the house, looking back guiltily.
MR TIGHTFIST: Aubergine…
MRS TIGHTFIST: …Amuse-Bouches.
MRS GULCH: Delectable. (Taking the TIGHTFISTS’ contribution with one hand, shooing DOROTHY away with the other.) And take your devil cakes with you.
MR and MRS TIGHTFIST enter MRS GULCH’s house.
TOTO: Bark-barking barky-barked bark!
DOROTHY: My dog just called you a fun-sucking, wonky-nosed witch.
MRS GULCH: No he didn’t.
DOROTHY: You’re right. It was much worse.
Enter MADAME SLUDGE.
DOROTHY begins collecting possible playthings from the gardens. (To herself.) Okay. We’ve got a straw-doll thing. A tin-can.
MRS GULCH: Madame Sludge!
DOROTHY: (Picking up a stuffed cat.) And a cat. Now we need…
DOROTHY picks up MRS GULCH’s bin.
MRS GULCH: Put that back!
DOROTHY: I’m adventuring.
DOROTHY upturns the bin on the lawn, make-believing it’s a mountain.
MRS GULCH: Girls don’t have adventures.
DOROTHY: Mum used to pack me a ‘quest’ survival kit…
MRS GULCH: Well your mum’s dead and there’s no ‘quests’ in Greysby. Mr Offal!
Enter MR OFFAL. He is blind, walking with a grey stick.
MR OFFAL: Raw shrimp?
MRS GULCH stuffs a handful in her mouth.
MR OFFAL enters the house.
MRS GULCH: (To DOROTHY.) Life is servitude. Get used to it. Wilderness to the South. Desolation to the North. East, West: nothing, nada, zilch.
DOROTHY: I’d run a different way.
MRS GULCH: Than North, South, East or West? Good luck.
MRS GULCH enters her house, slamming the door behind her. DOROTHY is stunned, enraged.
DOROTHY: Just you watch. You stupid.
TOTO: BARKING BARK!
DOROTHY: I’ll run away to…to… to the sky!
DOROTHY clambers up the drainpipe onto MRS GULCH’s roof. She hears a murmuring. She puts her ear to the chimney.
INTERIOR OF MRS GULCH’s HOUSE (as DOROTHY hears it):
MRS GULCH: (From inside.) Your niece is a psychopath.
AUNT EM: (From inside.) She’s imaginative.
MRS GULCH: (From inside.) It’s not your fault her poxy parents picnicked on a pit of poisonous pythons. Ooh that’s a tonsil twizzler! Send her away.
MISS MEASLEY: (From inside.) To boarding school!
MRS GULCH: (From inside.) Or an orphanage?
DOROTHY: (To TOTO.) She’d never…
DOROTHY returns her ear to the chimney.
DOROTHY: Come on.
TOTO: Bark bark…
DOROTHY: Tell her.
The wind begins to roar. DOROTHY takes her ear away from the chimney.
Aunt Em’s not defending me.
AUNT EM: (From inside.) I…I…I
DOROTHY: She doesn’t want me.
TOTO: (Reasonable tone.) Barrkk…
DOROTHY: Then I don’t want her either. These aren’t my people. Home is somewhere you’re wanted. I don’t belong here. This isn’t my home.
DOROTHY stands up on the roof.
She raises her arms, like a Wizard calling upon the elements.
THIS ISN’T MY HOME!
The cyclone hits. It swirls around DOROTHY, as if summoned. The house shakes. DOROTHY wraps her arms around the chimney-stack. The wind picks up and up and up…
The inhabitants of Greysby burst out of MRS GULCH’s house…
MRS SMIRCH: Twister!
MR OFFAL: Whirlwind!
MRS GRUEL: My grey lingerie’s on the washing line!
MADAME SLUDGE: Leave it! You’ll never make it!
MR TIGHTFIST: Quick, to the Cyclone cellar!
AUNT EM: Where’s Dorothy?
MRS GULCH: The trees are creaking, Emily.
AUNT EM: Get off me!
MRS TIGHTFIST: Take shelter.
MISS MEASLEY: Everyone in!
AUNT EM: I’m not getting in there without…
MRS GULCH: (Overlapping.) She’ll have found some cubbyhole already…
AUNT EM: But…
MRS GULCH grabs AUNT EM by the hair and pulls her into the cyclone cellar. It slams shut.
DOROTHY: Come on then you stupid twister. You think I’m scared of a breeze? Show me what you’ve got! Is that it? Is that it? Is that…
The house is plucked from its foundations and twirled up into the cyclone. DOROTHY clings to the chimney like she’s riding a bucking horse.
…IIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT?
SCENE TWO
Two Witchy Watchtowers, either side of the stage, accessible by ladders.
WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST sits languorously in her Watchtower, sipping a sulphur cocktail. She points her toes, admires her ruby slippers, and surveys her defeated kingdom.