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If you keep getting tripped up on the way to love, then this book is for you – which means it’s for everyone. (That’s for my publicist.) Let’s face it, “The course of true love never did run smooth,” as Shakespeare knew over 400 years ago. Why does it seem so hard to get love right? And why is it that no matter how many times we get our hearts ripped out of our chest and handed to us in a barely beating bloodless lump, we keep trying? Maybe we’re all masochists, or maybe love is just so wonderful that it’s worth the pain. But if you’ve been getting tangled up and trampled under by love’s obstacles, you’ll be pleased to know that this book is here to help.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you were wondering why you should trust anything you read in this book. You’ve probably read the magazine articles, taken the quizzes, and studied the books by noted psychologists, all to no avail. If that’s the case, then I have you right where I want you – fed up with all the self-help mumbo jumbo and plain tired of the search for answers. You’ve broken up so many times that you could write a how-to book about it. In other words, you are more than ready for the truth about how to find love. What I’m going to tell you is not going to sound like anything you’ve heard before. It will challenge your assumptions and change what you think you know about love.

I have been working with a group of researchers from psychology, anthropology, sociology, theology, brain physiology and philosophy who are exploring something about how human desire works. These are really smart men and women who write in the nearly indecipherable language of academia. Though I myself am no genius, I am just smart enough to figure out what they are saying, which is what inspired the core insights of this book. The big idea they are working on is called mimetic theory, and the father of contemporary research into the theory is Dr. René Girard. His work is so important that in 2005 he was inducted into the French Academy, which consists of 40 members called “immortals.” (Past members include people like Louis Pasteur, the reason we “got milk” safely; René Descartes, of “I think therefore I am” fame; and Jules Verne, the guy who invented science fiction with books like Journey to the Center of the Earth and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. See why they’re called “immortals”?) Anyway, Prof. Girard is an immortal now but he doesn’t let it go to his head. He is a very gentle and generous man who embodies a spirit of love with everyone, including non-academics like me whose lives have been transformed by his ideas.

As I said, I am no René Girard, but I do have talent and experience in writing, education and instructional design. What I do is take an idea and design a way to teach it. For schools I wrote curriculum; for business, it was training programs and policy and procedure manuals. I’ve taught preschoolers how to tie their shoelaces and sales pros how to track inventory using new software. What I do in this book is translate mimetic theory from “academeze” to plain speak, so you don’t have to go through what I went through: years of struggling to make sense of some really difficult, but important scholarship.

But I do one more thing, something the scholars don’t do. No matter what I’m teaching, I keep one question in mind that I want to be able to answer for my learners: So what? In other words, why should you bother to learn whatever it is I am trying to teach you? How will it make a difference in your life? Scholars believe that a really good idea is valuable in and of itself, and I agree with that. But the ultimate value of the idea, the true test of its worth, is whether it matters to how we live, love, and work together.

When it comes to mimetic theory and the search for true love, the answer to the “So what?” question is simple and profound. With mimetic theory you’ll have the key to getting yourself untangled from the things that trip you up on the way to an authentic, sustainable love. You will be able to identify your tangles and extricate yourself from them before they either ruin your chances with a good prospect or pull you in too deep with the totally wrong person. Once the obstacles are removed, your chances for true love will dramatically improve. I invite you to read this book, take the questionnaire, and learn about love from a radical, new perspective.

If you want to learn more about mimetic theory you can go to the Raven Foundation website, www.ravenfoundation.org. My husband Keith and I began the foundation to spread awareness of mimetic theory. This book is part of that effort. Now’s the time when I can put into writing the gratitude I feel every day for the people I work with: Keith Ross, Adam Ericksen, Maura Junius and my daughter, Emily Martensen. They are joyful, enthusiastic, smart human beings who make work feel like a holiday. I’d also like to thank Laurie Ashcraft and her firm, Ashcraft Research, Inc. for their work designing the questionnaire; Susan Drawbaugh for her illustrations; Irene Archer for her cover and interior design work; and Cathy Sweitzer for her skill and wisdom during the editing process. The music for this project was provided by Michael McLean and John Batdorf, two men whose compositions about love reflect their own honesty and compassion. I am honored to have collaborated with them. I am also indebted to my friends and conversation partners on mimetic theory and love, James Alison and Andrew McKenna. In particular, I’d like to thank Mark R. Anspach for sharing his insights into the nature of love as gift. And my greatest thanks are always reserved for René Girard, scholar, mentor, immortal and friend.

Love is a teacher, but a hard one to obtain.
Learning to love is hard and we pay dearly for it.
It takes hard work and a long apprenticeship,
for it is not just for a moment that we must learn to love,
but forever.

When I was a little girl (and forgive me if I don’t tell you how long ago that was), I couldn’t wait to be a woman. I studied the women I knew, my mother and grandmothers, my little Italian aunts and my sturdy Slovakian ones. Then I made a list of things that they had in common, thinking that these were the things that would make me a woman. Because I was a child, the characteristics on my list weren’t very profound. They were mostly outward signs, like being a good cook or using hair spray or shaving your legs. (My husband tells me that shaving also figured big in his race to acquire manhood.) So, in pursuit of my womanhood, one day I locked myself in the bathroom and shaved my legs, but about the only the thing that happened was my mom said I was too young to be shaving and I got itchy skin. I also figured out that the scent I liked on my dad was called menthol, but nothing was different inside, and my parents still treated me like a little girl. I had to agree with them. I was just a little girl with itchy legs.

Maybe, I thought, it’s the combination of shaved legs with stockings, so I tried that, and still nothing new inside me that I could point to and say, Aha, this is it. I’ve arrived at womanhood! Maybe it was shaved legs and stockings with high heels? No, that was definitely not it. Maybe it was having a boyfriend who would someday be your husband? But having a boyfriend was a project in itself, so I made a different list for that one which included things like: shave your legs regularly, don’t dress like your aunts, don’t listen to Grandma’s music, be nice, don’t argue, wait on him hand and foot.... You can see how that wasn’t going to lead to anything productive. But then one day, many years and failed romances later, I woke up and realized that I was a woman, and it had nothing to do with any of the things I thought it had to do with. I can’t tell you exactly when it happened or point to a particular cause, but there I was, a woman who had left little girl concerns and ways of thinking behind, and how it happened was a mystery.

So if you’re reading this book and were disciplined enough to begin at the beginning, you’re no doubt wondering what these first paragraphs have to do with love. You’re probably hoping this chapter is going to live up to its title and that really soon now I’m going to tell you what love is. If only I’d put it in bold and set it apart in its own indented paragraph. That would have been considerate of me. Maybe there’s an index that will tell you which page it’s on, and you could turn to it now because your sense of discipline, not to mention your patience, is wearing thin. All right, here it is; at least here’s where we are going to start.

Do you have a list in your head of the things that will happen when you’re in love for real like my list for being a woman, things that are the sure signs that you’ve found the right one and the search is over? Of course you do. We all do. If you want to know what love really is, first you have to download that list from the recesses of your brain and move it to trash. It is for sure a huge obstacle to true love – trust me on this. I’m going to start the list with some of my things and things my friends and family had on their list, and then I want you to add the ones that are in your head that I haven’t got down here.

S/he will know my thoughts so well that I won’t have to finish my sentences. (I’ve tried that one – not one of my better ideas.)

S/he will know exactly what to do when I’m_____________. (Fill in the blank with your emotion of choice: angry, sad, depressed, anxious, peeved, petty, moody...)

I will think about him/her constantly, except when I’m ___________________________. (Fill in your favorite activity: listening to my iPod™, out with friends, getting my nails done, drafting players for my fantasy football team...)

S/he will be______________. (Fill in your requisite physical attribute: tall, short, thin, curvy, built, bald [you’re welcome], pleasingly plump [you’re welcome]...)

Did you add yours to the list? As you can see from my slightly sarcastic parenthetical remarks, I don’t believe in this list at all. It’s a lot like my becoming a woman list – it is trying to pin down something that is fairly mysterious by listing some outward signs as if acquiring them will produce the thing you’re after. Be sure you’ve added all the things from the list in your head because here it goes: cursor on the mark, get set, drag to trash.

The Greatest Thing

Before you read any further, I’d like to ask you one thing: Why are you reading this book? The page count isn’t of the War and Peace variety, but still, reading is an investment of your time and energy, and so I’m wondering what’s motivating you to read a book about love. You could be reading a book about how to make a million bucks, look younger, lose 10 pounds, improve your vocabulary, count cards at Black Jack, write a killer resume, cook with tofu – the list of self improvement books is endless. But you have chosen a book about love. Allow me to say that no matter your reason, I believe you have chosen wisely.

The lyrics for the song, The Second Greatest Thing,* include the phrase, “Loving her’s the greatest thing I’ve ever done.” It was written by my friend, Michael McLean and here’s how it goes:

Second Greatest Thing

If I wrote a pop song that topped the charts

And everyone sang it

With all their hearts

And it rocked on for twenty years at #1

I’d say it’s the second greatest thing I’ve ever done.

If I wrote a sermon like the one on the Mount

If I had millions

In my account

If I cured cancer and a Nobel Prize was one

I’d say it’s the second greatest thing I’ve ever done.

Cause I’ve loved her, I kept my promise

I loved her no matter what

And she’ll always be the only one

I am not a perfect husband but my heart was never shut

Loving her’s the greatest thing I’ve ever done

The song claims that “loving her” would be the greatest thing he’d done even if the guy had written a hit song, won a Nobel prize, ended hunger, or written the Sermon on the Mount. My friend Michael is saying that every other achievement in the world comes in second place to the achievement of loving another human being well. He’s a dear friend of mine and so I know that he’s not just saying that to see if he can write a hit song. He believes it and he lives it. Michael always puts his own needs second to those of his wife, his kids, his friends, his parents, even people he hardly knows. He’s a giver because he knows something for absolutely, positively sure: the only thing that matters in your life is the love you share, the relationships you nurture, the people you treasure and the people who treasure you. Getting love right isn’t just a hobby or a sideline. It’s what a life well lived is all about. So congratulate yourself for knowing that and for devoting yourself to the task. Love isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it; and no matter who you are or what you have already accomplished or have yet to accomplish, love is the greatest thing you’ll ever do.

*Michael McLean, The Second Greatest Thing, 2006.

You’re ready now for the definition of love you’ve been waiting for all your life and that you had to do that stupid exercise to get to. I know you’re thinking, This better be good, and it is, really. The definition of love is this: Love is a mystery. Don’t you love that? No? You think I’ve bailed, dodged the issue, led you on a wild goose chase for nothing? Most people think that when they first hear it. That’s okay, just hang in there because by the end of this chapter (which is only three, maybe four more pages, I’m not sure because I haven’t written it yet), you are going to be thrilled with it. (Wow! Now I’m feeling the pressure.)