reading

As I’ve learned in the past, writing a book is a team effort. This book would not have been possible without the help of the best friends and partners a guy could have.

First of all, to my wonderful wife, Maude who had the idea for this book. Thanks for always keeping me focused on how I can create things that help others. To my terrific children, Eric and Grace of whom I am so proud and grateful to God for having brought into my life. I love you all!

Once again, any reason for this book’s readability is due to my good friend and editor, the great Ira-Neil Dittersdorf. This Bloomsday is on me, buddy!

Heartfelt thanks must go out to the magnificent Karen Lacey for once again, all of your help and skills to make this book possible.

I’d also like to thank my publishing team of Lisa DeSpain and Steven Peterson for their great work and assistance in making this book a reality.

I’m fortunate to be part of the Marketwatch.com group of The RetireMentors and I’d especially like to thank my good friend, and leading retirement writer, Bob Powell for all of his support and assistance.

I’d also like to thank my sister-in-law, Margaret Anderson for being the first success story of my books. May your retirement continue to be safe and long! You’re an inspiration to many who hope to thrive in retirement as you are doing.

To my sister, Regina for all of your help, expertise and friendship. It’s always great to have a Director of Nursing a phone call away. And to my terrific niece and nephew, Jillian and Sean.

Of course, thanks always go to my mom and dad, Bob and Ellen Tatar, who I think of every day and continue to be my inspiration to help others.

Last but not least, I’d like to thank all of those readers who wrote me such wonderful notes and kind words about my books and articles over the last few years. Your words keep me going and believing that maybe these little books can make a difference. Thanks (and keep writing!).

Introduction

If you have parents who are in their advanced stages of life, you are aware of the many challenges that exist for them. You may even have become acutely aware of how these challenges also impact you.

Caregiving for a parent or another elderly family member can make your already harried life even more difficult.

Maybe you’ve had a frustrating chat with a parent that covered the gamut from their burial wishes to how they should get someone to clean their house.

It seems that ultimately we all end up having a conversation with our parents about such things as their financial estate, end-of-life considerations, and living arrangements. The problem is quite often that we have these conversations too late. For instance, we have them in times of crisis or when there is little that we can do to change or soften the impact of these decisions. We end up having discussions about living arrangements when such arrangements need to be made right away and when they might incur significant financial damage. Or we have discussions about moving money into trusts when a parent is hospitalized, only to realize that a “look back” provision will significantly hinder these plans.

Let’s not forget those situations that occur after a sibling or family member had an “expectation” that they would receive mom’s valuable artwork or dad’s old pipe collection, only to find that other plans were made. This “unspoken agreement” results in a lengthy time of “not speaking” among family members.

The reality is that there are many things that need to be considered with an aging parent.

In much the same manner as your parents presented “the talk” to you as children and young adults around topics such as sex, drugs, and life, there’s a time (and a responsibility) for you to have a talk with them around the topics that are vital to them in their later stages of life.

Just as the talk that they gave you took many shapes and forms, so will this talk. It may not be the “Hallmark” version with everyone sitting around the dining room table (but it might be). It might be a talk that occurs in pieces over time, perhaps in the car or on multiple visits. The talk will occur in many different ways for different people.

That’s why you should position your talk about retirement as close to the onset of your parents’ retirement as possible. This will help ensure that everyone is speaking with their fullest mental capacities and you don’t suffer through your parents’ retirement with you or your siblings having unspoken expectations and impressions of what will happen.

When you have the talk about retirement, you can discuss many positive things that your parents will encounter in the next phase of their life, which may be the most fun one of their lives. It provides you a time to celebrate the accomplishment of their retirement and speak positively about all of the wonderful things that will happen for your parents.

Above all, have a talk that is positive and expansive and focuses on the realistic aspects that this later stage of life will bring.

As I had mentioned, you may not be able to discuss everything that needs to be discussed in a single sitting, but by having it early and in a positive light, you set the stage for continued discussions that will allow you to cover all of the areas you need to.

By putting it in the context of retirement, it will also allow you to incorporate my strategy of the “Four Keys,” which I believe will lead to a safer and longer retirement for your parents.

The Four Keys strategy provides the tools to not only view retirement just as a financial decision, but also to evaluate the following as keys to ensuring a safe retirement:

As I stated in my previous book, Safe 4 Retirement: The Four Keys to a Safe Retirement, “Most books about retirement written today deal exclusively about financial planning for retirement. My intent with this book is to present a holistic approach to retirement planning and living in retirement, more than what you’ll find in most other books about retirement.”1

The book that you are holding was written to help the adult child to address these areas of concern for them and their parents. The intent of this book is twofold:

We’ll explore each of the Four Keys extensively in this book in order that you are armed with enough information on each of them. You can then use those aspects of each key that are most appropriate for you to cover during your talk with your parents.

By expanding the retirement discussion beyond just financial matters, you’ll be exploring the elements of your parents’ lives that will help them live a longer and happier retirement. You’ll also ensure yourself that you’re covering all of the topics that you should to help both your parents and yourself plan for this next phase of their lives.

The best laid financial plans for retirement can be severely impacted by health issues of not only your retired parents but also by those of other family members. You will also find that your parents will encounter tragedies such as the loss of friends and family members. How they deal with these matters and how strong a social structure they have will impact their ability to address these challenges.

For these and so many others reasons, you owe it to your parents and yourself to have a holistic discussion of retirement, rather than just one that covers financial matters. The Four Keys approach will help you to do that.

Although I’ll provide you with some good mechanisms for having the talk, the reality is that you’ll have to do what feels right and most appropriate for your own situation.

As anyone who has read my previous book is aware, this topic has been a very personal one for me. I wrote that book as a way to deal with the loss of both of my parents within six months of each other.

In order to understand this tragedy, I researched and learned that the “broken heart” syndrome is a real one. It is true that many retired and elderly spouses will die within a short period of time of each other. What is also true is that the most resilient spouses are those who have a strong social structure and are able to maintain a positive attitude toward life. 2

Obviously, this can be difficult at a time of tragedy, but what I learned and built into the Four Keys is that there’s a need to address these nonfinancial topics as a way to allow seniors and the retired to live a longer and safer life.

When my parents announced their retirement to me, I was thrilled and happy for them. The only thing I said to them at that time was to my mom, “Don’t collect things.”

As I went through the tragedy of losing my parents and having many discussions with them at a time that ultimately proved to be too late, I realized that I should’ve said so many other things at that time rather than just voice my concern that my mom would collect spoons or ugly dolls in her spare time.

I’ve been heartened by the responses I’ve received by the many who have read my books and have told me that they appreciate the more holistic view of retirement planning. The stories that I’ve heard by both retirees and the children of retirees have proven to me that lessons can be learned by the darkest tragedies that can ultimately help others.

This book is written for all of those adult children who will have the strength to have the talk with their parents about retirement. Just as your parents nervously had the talk with you about important matters, after they had them, they were satisfied that they were not only doing something that was required of them as parents but was something that they did out of their love for you.

Footnotes

Introduction