“You need to read this book, whether you think you do or not. Dr. Diamond is a brilliant, caring professional. He is one of the world’s leading experts in men’s health. I have been a health care professional for many years and learned so much from Jed’s book myself. You will have multiple aha moments as you read. The aha moments will lead to practical positive changes in your life. It has in mine.”
— Alexander Loyd, PhD, ND, author of The Healing Code
“In this wonderful book, Jed Diamond lucidly explains the major challenges facing men in navigating their way through this most critical period of human history. More important, he shows us how to address the hazards and opportunities in ways that are new, creative, and highly effective. It will change the way you think about the life you have been given and empower you to find greater fulfillment in it.”
—David Feinstein, PhD, coauthor of The Promise of Energy Medicine
“MenAlive is more than a book. It is a complete tool kit for relieving stress and bringing about lasting health. It changes the way we look at ourselves, each other, and the world.”
—John Gray, PhD, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
“ After decades of intense men’s work together, Jed knows what men need. Being a great pioneer he immerses himself in new ‘tools’ until he finds what works. Jed offers the precious gift of his hard-won wisdom for us to care for our own body, mind and soul.
—Bill Kauth, Co-founder of The ManKind Project, author of Circle of Men and We Need Each Other: Building Gift Community
“Jed Diamond’s book dispels two myths. One, that as time passes we will inevitably develop age-related aches and pains that we will simply have to live with. The second is that ‘energy healing’ is complete nonsense. These myths cause us to pay unnecessarily for pills and doctors when fresh air, sunshine, and a barefoot walk in the grass can make us feel much better. This book introduces practical personal energy tools with which to feel better longer and save money at the same time.”
—James L. Oschman, PhD, author of Energy Medicine: The Scientific Basis
“The problem with simple energy healing tools is that they seem just too simple! If you can find it in you not to scorn simplicity, you may get a world of help from Jed Diamond’s new book.”
— Eric Maisel, PhD, author of Rethinking Depression
“MenAlive is a wonderful and easy-to-follow guide for stress reduction in men. It helps create awareness to address challenges in new and effective ways, which will lead to self-empowerment and positive changes.”
—Rollin McCraty, PhD, Director of Research, Institute of HeartMath
“Dr. Diamond’s new book is not only packed with information but offers powerful solutions. One of Diamond’s gifts is his ability to write books that help men change their own lives while helping women understand men at deep, empowering levels. This book is needed…a must-read if you are growing through the stresses and strains of a lifetime (and who isn’t?). I highly recommend this book to all men—and to the women who love them.”
— Michael Gurian, author of Leadership and the Sexes and How Do I Help Him?
“Jed Diamond’s remarkable book is full of insights, tools, and touching truths. It is a great open window into a man’s soul, stresses, and strains. I highly recommend it to both men and women.”
— John Lee, author of The Flying Boy and The Half-Lived Life: Overcoming Passivity and Rediscovering Your Authentic Self
“MenAlive is a veritable compendium of the most readable and understandable information related to energy healing that starts at the beginning historically, weaves through time, takes the reader systematically to the present, and then discusses the four simple energy healing tools in depth, which are the centerpiece of this book. If you only buy one book this year, make it MenAlive, and buy one for every man in your life and every woman who loves them!”
—Jackie Black, PhD, author of Couples & Money: Cracking the Code to Ending the #1 Conflict in Marriage
“Diamond has researched the entire field of energy healing, found out what really works, and applied it to specific issues that men face—such as stress, irritation, and depression. He doesn’t stop there, however. He sets out a series of practical techniques that any man can learn and use to de-stress, relax, and heal. If you’re a man, learn these tools. If you’re a woman, buy this book for your man.”
—Lion Goodman, Director of Men’s Programs, The Shift Network
“As a long-time leader in the men's movement and author several books that inspired me, once again Jed brings an important new set of tools for men to grow with.”
—John W. Travis, MD, MPH, Co-author of Wellness Workbook
“Two facts are indisputable: Baby Boomers are aging, and they’re aging into a time of life fraught with greater risks of disease and decline. Further, a significant number are health and wellness oriented, and these explorers are more than willing to go beyond traditional medical paradigms to discover how to become healthier and less dependent on conventional treatment modalities. Jed Diamond has picked exactly the right moment to give them the gifts of energy healing.”
—Brent Green, author of Generation Reinvention: How Boomers Today Are Changing Business, Marketing, Aging and the Future
“Dr. Diamond’s wondrous synthesis of theory and practice allows us to understand the true nature of what ails modern mankind and empowers us to recreate our health. This book moves us from the sick-care model of the solid atom to a true health care model based on dynamic energy fields. Read it and be all you can be!”
— Gregory J. Nicosia, PhD, DCEP, Immediate Past President, Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology
“Jed Diamond has created an extraordinary book which allows men to access both physical and emotional vitality. In a sea of self-help books geared towards the female demographic, this books stands out as a practical and effective guide for men to learn more about self-healing techniques which have been proven to really work.”
—Clint Ober, coauthor of, Earthing: The Most Important Health Discovery Ever?
“This book is a must-read for all men and the women who love them. Jed Diamond’s pioneering work will change the way men view their health.”
—Carole G. Stern, President, Association of Comprehensive Energy Psychology
“An invaluable resource and guide for men who struggle with their life, health and negative emotions—and consequently in their love relationships.”
—Martin Ucik, author of Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men
"MenAlive illuminates key challenges blocking men from shifting into more mature masculinity, and provides equally key tools for succeeding. We men owe it to our loved ones, our spheres of influence, and most importantly ourselves, to take MenAlive to heart."
—David Gruder, PhD, DCEP, author of The New IQ (Integrity Intelligence), ManKind Project Elder, Founding President of the Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology
MenAlive: Stop Killer Stress with Simple Energy Healing Tools
Copyright© 2012 by Jed Diamond
Published by Fifth Wave Press
www.MenAlive.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from the Publisher or author, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Diamond, Jed
1. Men’s health 2. Energy medicine 3. Stress relief
Includes notes and index
Diamond, Jed
MenAlive: Stop Killer Stress with Simple Energy Healing Tools / Jed Diamond
ISBN: 978-0-911761-00-9
Printed in the United States of America
eISBN: 9780911761016
Books
Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome
Male vs. Female Depression: Why Men Act Out and Women Act In
The Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression
The Whole Man Program: Reinvigorating Your Body, Mind, and Spirit After 40
Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Women and Men
Male Menopause
The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet
Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions
Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man
How to Connect with Me
For more information about books and other resources, or if you need help dealing with the stresses in your life, I invite you to visit me at http://MenAlive.com.
I’d enjoy hearing from you. Send an email to MenAlive@MenAlive.com and sign up for Team MenAlive, which is a book owner list, so I can send you new information, videos, and updates.
Let’s start a conversation. Say “hi” on Twitter @MenAliveNow or use thehashtag #MenAlive to share your insights and examples. Discover how others are using the concepts you’ll read about.
You can also join us on Facebook at http://Facebook.com/MenAliveNow/ for more tips and ongoing dialogue.
“The cell is a machine driven by energy. It can thus be approached by studying matter, or by studying energy. In every culture and in every medical tradition before ours, healing was accomplished by moving energy.”
—Albert Szent-Györgyi, Nobel Laureate in Medicine
Acknowledgments
This book is the culmination of work over the last forty-plus years, and there are many more people to thank than I have space to do so here. More than just a helpmate, my wife, Carlin, has been a loving presence and partner. She has supported my work from the beginning and I want to honor her here. She was practicing energy healing long before it became popular.
In addition, three groups of people deserve special mention:
David Feinstein, PhD, challenged me to write a book on energy healing for men. His wife, Donna Eden, inspired me when I read Energy Medicine for Women after buying it as a gift for my wife, Carlin.
I’ve also learned a great deal from Patricia Carrington, Dawson Church, Gary Craig, Blair Dunn, Charles Elder, John Freedom, David Gruder, Sue Johnson, Lindsay Kenny, Bruce Lipton, Alex Lloyd, Carol Look, Michael Mayer, Rollin McCraty, Caroline Myss, Gregory Nicosia, Clinton Ober, James Oschman, LynneMcTaggart, Betsy Muller, Candace Pert, John Petersen, Robert Schwarz, Stephen Sinatra, Carole Stern, Greg Warburton, and Martin Zucker.
Peter Alsop, Jean Bonhomme, Robert Bly, Malcolm Carruthers, Will Courtnay, Gordon Clay, Stephen Dinan, Warren Farrell, Brent Green, Lion Goodman, John Gray, Michael Gurian, Ron Henry, James Hillman, Bert Hoff, Steve Imparl, Thomas Joiner, Bill Kauth, Sam Keen, Howard LaGarde, John Lee, Tom Matlack, Michael Meade, William Pollack, Mark Schillinger, Justin Sterling, Rich Tosi, and John Travis.
Mike Aplet, Tony Black, Hal Zina Bennett, Josh Bowers, Rosamond Crowder, Kirsten Ellis, Ian Fitzpatrick, Jeff Franklin, Betha Gibson, “Gold Diamond” Supporters (Dianna and Tim Browning, Carlin Diamond, Brad Dunne, Denis Sutro, David Terrell, Judy Whelley, Lawrence and Elaine Yundt), Leon Greef, WulfHeinigen, Angela Hennek, Aaron Nelson-Moody, David Newman, Whitney Parks, Ken Petron, Tom Plunkett, Tom Porpiglia, Geoff Pomeroy, Kathy Regan, Amanda Rice, Lucille Rock, Rani Saijo, Suzanne Sifuentes, Sherryl Soukup, Dickey Weinkle, and Mary Zellachild.
The practices, ideas, and suggestions in this book are not intended as a substitute for medical or psychological attention. When considering applying these methods to various health-related issues, please consult with your medical doctor, psychotherapist, or other appropriate healthcare professional. She was practicing energy healing long before it became popular.
Visit http://MenAlive.com/JedWelcome, for a personal welcome message from me.
Reading a book is great, but it’s also nice to hear the author speak. I’ve created an on-line course called Men Alive: Stop Stress and Live Free that will help bring this information to life. You can learn about the course and sign up by going to: http://www.entheosacademy.com/courses/MenAlive-Stop-Stress-and-Live-Free
Introduction: How to Get the Most Out of the Book
Part I: The Cost of Stress and the Promise of Energy Healing
Chapter One: The Hazards and Blessings of Being Male
Chapter Two: How Perpetual Stress Can Kill You
Chapter Three: The Science Behind Energy Healing
Chapter Four: The Ultimate “Power Tool” for Guys Who Want Their Lives to Work
Part II: Using Your Energy Healing Tools
Chapter Five: Earthing
Chapter Six: Heart Coherence
Chapter Seven: Attachment Love
Chapter Eight: Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)
Part III: Combating Stress Where Men Live
Chapter Nine: Who’re You Calling Irritable! What Makes You Think I’m Depressed?
Chapter Ten: I Haven’t Got Time for the Pain
Chapter Eleven: The Lion in Winter: Andropause and Midlife Sex
Chapter Twelve: Men’s Work at the Transition from Empire to Earth Communities
I grew up in a family that relied on things you could see, touch, and take apart. My mother was the office manager for a company called Tubular Structures, which made solid scaffolding out of pipe—the kind you see big burly men climbing up and down as they paint houses and fix upper-story windows. My stepfather was a welder, carpenter, and all-around handyman. This was a mechanistic world, a clockwork universe, where separate objects could be assembled and where things were more important than feelings. My family believed in hard science and taught me to distrust anything that couldn’t be measured.
But there was another side of my family story we rarely spoke about. My biological father was a writer, poet, and stage actor. In the years following my birth, he struggled to find work and support his family. Stresses in his life mounted, and when I was five years old he tried to commit suicide. He was sent to a mental hospital for treatment. Growing up, I tried to understand what had happened to him. My mind couldn’t grasp the idea that he had been taken down by a mysterious “nervous breakdown” that I couldn’t see and no one seemed to be able to explain. Looking back, I realize that two competing forces shaped my life:
1. The world of things we can engage and manipulate with our five senses: the “tubular structures” of the world.
2. The world of energy and spirit that can cause “nervous breakdowns” as well as inspire writing and beautiful poetry.
Energy healing enables us to bridge these two worlds. As you’ll learn, it allows us to deal with problems at the physical level as well as those that are caused by emotional and spiritual disturbances. It has taken a long time for me to accept my relationship with energy healing. Even after I knew it worked, I couldn’t quite believe it. I needed a scientific explanation for how and why it worked. I wanted to be sure energy healing wasn’t just New Age snake oil that promised to cure anything and everything, but really did very little.
Energy healing is based on the supposition that illness results from disturbances in the body’s energies and energy fields and can be addressed via interventions into those energies and energy fields. It is one of five domains of "complementary and alternative medicine" identified by the National Institutes of Health (NIH). David Feinstein and Donna Eden, two of the most widely acknowledged experts in the emerging field of energy healing, say that conventional medicine, at its foundation, focuses on the biochemistry of cells, tissue, and organs. Energy medicine, at its foundation, focuses on the fields that organize and control the growth and repair of cells, tissues, and organs, and on ways of influencing those fields.1
Although there is still a lot we need to learn, I believe the scientific foundation of energy healing2 is solid enough to share what I’ve learned thus far. I’m convinced that we can now stop the stresses that are killing so many men and their families. These simple tools are deceptively powerful, so powerful that we no longer have to rely solely on “experts” to keep us healthy. Using the tools of energy healing, we can regain control of our own lives. We can embrace the wisdom of William Ernest Henley, who said, “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.”
This book is meant to guide you through the process. I’ll be with you every step of the way, sharing what has worked for me and what has worked with friends and clients. Though this book is focused on men’s health, it is not just for men. Women, too, are concerned about the health of the men in their lives. I’ve included the results of the latest cutting-edge scientific research that demonstrates the value of energy healing in dealing with the most difficult problems we face today. I’ve shared the tools that I’ve found to be most useful and effective, but there are Internet links and endnotes for further study once you learn the basics.
My first experience with energy healing occurred shortly after I graduated from UC Berkeley in 1968. My wife and I had found a wonderful house in Pinole, a rural suburb in the EastBay, across the bridge from San Francisco. Our neighbors had horses they let us ride whenever we wanted to. Life was wonderful.
The first summer in Pinole, we invited our closest friends from college for a visit. They had a four-year-old son who was cute as a bug and adventurous. While we recounted stories of success, the little boy wandered off and climbed under a fence into the horse corral, where a skittish horse kicked him.
By the time the boy’s father reached him, he was screaming in anguish, with a red welt rising on his forehead. His mother immediately comforted the boy with her words. She calmly told him that she was there and that things would be all right. She held one hand about three inches above his head and passed her hand back and forth over the wound. While she did this, the boy’s father called for an ambulance. The boy seemed to relax and eventually stopped crying.
I wondered how waving her hand over the boy could be helpful. She kept her hand moving slowly and said, “It’s energy healing.” I nodded as though I understood. She turned her attention back to her son. I rolled my eyes and looked at my wife, thinking, “We love her, but what she’s doing is nuts.”
Well, things turned out okay. The boy was checked at the local hospital, and there didn’t seem to be any permanent damage. My scientific mind concluded that he must not have really been hurt. I relegated energy healing to New Age mumbo jumbo and forgot all about it. Much later, I learned that solid science had demonstrated that healing the energy body could help heal the physical body.
Over the years, I’ve tried a number of different energy healing practices. Not all of them worked for me, but the four I describe in the book have proven themselves over time. I have found these four to be the easiest, the most effective, and the most scientifically grounded.
If you’re skeptical, that’s fine. It’s good to have a prove-it-to-me attitude. All I ask is that you keep an open mind and an open heart as you learn more about the power of energy to heal. Whatever you think about the field of energy healing, I suspect you’ll agree with me on the following:
There must be a better way.
There are a number of ways to approach this book:
Notions that may be particularly helpful are in bold lettering so you can easily spot the gold. Of course, these are just the nuggets I think are important. You’ll undoubtedly want to have a highlighter or pen available to mark your own.
If you’re like me, you may find these tools work so well that you’ll have trouble believing them. Perhaps your skeptical mind will jump in to tell you to stop using them, even when they are working for you. In a world where we are taught that real medicine is costly, time-consuming, and painful, we have a hard time believing in practices that work and are inexpensive, quick, and painless. Just remember, some things are just too good to be true. Others are just plain good. These techniques are still new, and there is a lot more to be learned. But there’s no reason to wait any longer to get started.
We can all learn from each other’s experience, and I genuinely enjoy hearing from people. Contact me through my website at www.MenAlive.com. Let me know how these tools work for you.
It isn’t easy being a man today, though many of us try to hide this fact. We are told that males are the privileged sex and boys have it better than girls. We learn that real men are tough, take care of their own problems, and don’t complain. After all, what could we have to complain about? Social scientist Thomas Joiner, PhD, tells us, “Men make a lot of money and have all the accompanying privileges and power. This has been so for millennia. Men are over-represented in each of the following categories, just to name a few: those earning over $100,000 per year; Fortune 500 company CEOs; and U.S. presidents, state governors, and senators.”3
I’m assuming that you (and most of the men reading this book) don’t fall into any of those “privilege and power” categories. But for all of us, regardless of our wealth or position, the stresses we face can be deadly. A recent report states, “Males experience higher mortality rates than females at all stages of life from conception to old age.”4 Suicide is the most extreme indicator of the stress men feel today, particularly in men over forty. According to the National Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, 34,598 people killed themselves in 2007 (the last year for which full statistics were available)—and 27,678 of them (80 percent) were male. Eleven times that number attempted suicide. 5 I felt the reality of these statistics at a very young age.
I still remember the terror I felt when I heard my father had an “accident” and was taken to the hospital. I was five years old, and he was forty-two. I didn’t learn until years later that he had tried to take his own life, but even as a small child I was aware of the stresses he felt as an out-of-work writer trying to support his family. When I was forty, I came across a journal he had written during that critical time of his life. He describes his mounting frustration, anger, and despair as his hopes and dreams began to fade:
June 4
Your flesh crawls, your scalp wrinkles when you look around and see good writers, established writers, writers with credits a block long, unable to sell, unable to find work ; yes, it’s enough to make anyone blanch, turn pale, and sicken.
August 15
Faster, faster, faster, I walk. I plug away looking for work, anything to support my family. I try, try, try, try, try. I always try and never stop.
November 8
A hundred failures, an endless number of failures, until now, my confidence, my hope, my belief in myself has run completely out. Middle-aged, I stand and gaze ahead, numb, confused, and desperately worried. All around me, I see the young in spirit, the young at heart, with ten times my confidence, twice my youth, ten times my fervor, twice my education. I see them all, a whole army of them, battering at the same doors I’m battering, trying in the same field I’m trying. Yes, on a Sunday morning in early November, my hope and my life stream are both running desperately low, so low, so stagnant, that I hold my breath in fear, believing that the dark, blank curtain is about to descend.
As a midlife man myself, I felt my father’s pain as his self-esteem slowly eroded away, the fear and frustration of trying to support a family taking its toll and the tide of shame beginning to envelope him. Six days after his November 8 entry, he tried to kill himself.
Though he survived physically, our lives were never the same. Over the last thirty-five years, I’ve treated more and more men who face stresses similar to those my father experienced. The economic conditions and social dislocations that contributed to his feelings of shame and hopelessness continue to weigh heavily on men in today’s battered economy.
As psychologist Herb Goldberg reminds us in his book, The Hazards of Being Male, “The male has paid a heavy price for his masculine ‘privilege’ and power.” He writes, “He is out of touch with his emotions and his body. He is playing by the rules of the male game plan and with lemming-like purpose he is destroying himself—emotionally, psychologically, and physically.”6
In order to reclaim our health and wellbeing, we have to overcome our denial and take a hard look at the reality of our lives. When I think about men’s health, I often think of my father. He loved baseball, but he would never watch it on television. He always preferred listening to it on the radio. I think he liked bringing his own imagination to the words and picturing the action in his mind. When I think about the crisis in men’s health, I picture a baseball field. To be successful in the game of baseball, you have to touch all three bases and make it home. If life were like baseball, I believe we’re losing too many men before they can make it around the bases and back to home plate. I believe we are losing men at three critical stages of their lives.
Too many young men don’t ever make it to first base. The stresses of young adulthood lead to accidents, alcohol and drug abuse, and violence. We lose young men before they’ve had a chance to truly live. Many midlife men have trouble letting go of their youth. They try to stay forever young. They deny their age, refuse to make the turn at second base, and end up alone in left field. Older men often give up on life and become isolated, depressed, and withdrawn. They aren’t able to make the turn at third, and they end up dead in the dugout.
When I’ve talked with men over the years, they often feel powerless to change their lives. This surprises women, who often see men as having most of power. In his book, Why Men Are the Way They Are, gender researcher Warren Farrell helps us better understand why men and women often have a different experience of power and powerlessness. He says, “When a woman is divorced, has two children, no alimony, no child support, and no job experience—that is her experience of powerlessness. When a man is in the hospital with a coronary bypass operation caused by the stress of working two jobs to support two children his former wife won’t let him see, and he feels no other woman will get involved with him because of those very circumstances—that is his experience of powerlessness.” Farrell concludes, “Both feel loneliness. The flip sides of the same role make both sexes feel powerless.”7
It doesn’t have to be that way. We can change the restrictive roles that harm men and women. Men are not destined to get sick and die before their time. Men can have wonderful and productive lives. But in order to live long and well, we have to recognize the stresses we are under and take a hard look at our current state of health.
The Men’s Health Network (MHN) is a national nonprofit organization whose mission is to educate men and their families about the state of men’s health today and how it can be improved. MHN details the “silent health crisis” of men as follows:8
In 1920, the life expectancy gender gap was only 1.0 years. By 2011, men are dying four to six years younger than women.
Men have a higher death rate than women for all ten of the leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, injuries, cerebrovascular disease, chronic lower respiratory disease, diabetes, pneumonia/flu, HIV infection, suicide, and homicide. We all die of something, but if you’re a guy, you are more likely to get a serious disease and die from it than are women.
Almost twice as many men as women die of ischemic heart disease, the leading cause of death by far for both men and women. This year, more than four hundred thousand men will die of heart disease, 25 percent of whom will be under age sixty-five. More than fifty thousand men will die of a stroke. Of course, the death rate for women compared to men goes up as they get older, but that’s because there aren’t as many older men. Too many of us have already died.
Fifty percent more men than women die of cancer. This year, more than seven hundred thousand men will be diagnosed with cancer, and nearly three hundred thousand will die of it. Over the course of a lifetime, half of all men will get cancer at least once.
We know men are more likely to kill others than are women. A research study9 showed that, although women comprise more than half the U.S. population, they committed only 14.7 percent of the homicides during the study interval. Many people don’t know that, although men do most of the killing, they are also most likely to be victims of homicide. Over the ten-year study period,215,273 homicides were studied, 77 percent of which involved male victims and 23 percent involving female victims.
The study noted that men are more likely to be killed by someone outside the family, while women are more likely to be killed by their spouse or intimate acquaintance. In contrast to men, who killed non-intimate acquaintances or strangers in 80 percent of cases, women killed their spouse, an intimate acquaintance, or a family member in 60 percent of cases.
Suicide is the ultimate indicator of despair, and men suffer at rates more than four to seventeen times higher than women. Not only do men commit suicide at rates much higher than women, but they kill themselves indirectly as well. Psychotherapist Terrence Real, author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, says:“Hidden depression drives several of the problems we think of as typically male: physical illness, alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, failures in intimacy, self-sabotage in careers.”10
Most people know that men are more likely to commit suicide than women. But most are not aware of how much more likely men are to kill themselves or how our risk differs with age. “The suicide rate is four times higher among males than females overall,” says Dr. Will Courtenay, author of Dying to be Men: Psychosocial, Environmental, and Bio-behavioral Directions in Promoting the Health of Men and Boys. “ Suicide rates for males range from two times higher among children aged ten to fourteen to more than seventeen times higher among adults aged eighty-five or older.”11
Even in the armed services, where we tend think of men dying in battle, suicide is a major problem. “To our knowledge, for the first and only time in human history, a country at war—the United States—lost more of its service members in a month to suicide than to combat,” says Dr. Thomas Joiner. “That occurred in early 2009.”12
All my life, I’ve felt the reality of men’s pain, from the time my father tried to commit suicide when I was five to the struggles with depression I’ve had in my own life. These statistics tell an important story: at every age, including when we are young, men are much more likely to commit suicide than females. That is a tragedy for everyone: men, women, and children.
Randolph Nesse, MD, and colleagues at the University of Michigan examined premature deaths among men in twenty countries. They suggest that as many as 375,000 lives could be saved in the U.S. alone if male mortality rates were brought into line with those of women. Being male is now the single largest demographic factor for early death, the study concluded. “If you could make male mortality rates the same as female rates, you would do more good than curing cancer.”13
Some people have come to believe that men don’t live as long or as well as women simply because…well, because we are men. There’s an assumption that our problems are built into our genes, and there’s nothing we can do about them. But recent research has shown there are things men do, or fail to do, that affect our health. Of course, we’re talking generalities here—most men compared to most women. Some men engage in more healthy practices than some women. But on the whole, our health practices leave a lot to be desired. Men’s health researcher Dr. Will Courtenay describes the following behaviors in his book Dying to be Men:14
Men and boys, in general, have less healthy lifestyles than woman and girls, and they engage in far fewer health-promoting behaviors. For example, men are more often overweight than women, and they have less healthy dietary habits. They eat more meat, fat, and salt and less fiber, fruits, and vegetables than women. They have higher cholesterol and blood pressure, and they do less to lower them. Men use fewer medications, vitamins, and dietary supplements. They also sleep less, and less well, and they stay in bed to recover from illness for less time than women.
Men and adolescent males engage in more reckless and illegal driving and they drive drunk more frequently than women and adolescent females. They also have more sexual partners than women and engage in significantly more high-risk physical activities—such as dangerous sports and leisure-time activities—and physical fights. They are also more likely than women to carry guns or other weapons, and they engage in more criminal activity.
Compared to women, men use more alcohol and other drugs. More men than women use tobacco products, and they have more dangerous patterns of tobacco use. Although not everyone who uses drugs or alcohol becomes addicted, men are more likely to continue using even when they experience negative consequences. As one man told me in counseling, “My drug of choice is more.” For him, like many men who become addicted, “too much is never enough.” I believe addiction is the disease of lost self-hood. Addicts are looking for pleasure and escape from pain in all the wrong places. Like confused homing pigeons, they seek the safety and security of family and friends, but they fly 180 degrees in the wrong direction.
Men are consistently less likely than women to perceive themselves as being at risk for illness, injury, and a variety of health problems. Despite being at greater risk from drug and alcohol use, for example, males of all ages perceive significantly less risk than females associated with the use of cigarettes, alcohol, and other drugs. With rare exceptions, people who think they are invulnerable take fewer precautions with their health—and thus have greater health risks—than people who recognize their vulnerability.
Men and boys are more likely than women and girls to be the victims of physical abuse or violence. For example, nearly half of men nationally have been punched or beaten by a person—in most cases by another man. We often think that sexual abuse happens only to females, but 5 percent of boys (compared to 10 percent of girls) report having been sexually abused. Many believe that male sexual abuse is under-reported. Among adolescent boys nationally, those who have been sexually abused are more likely than those who were not abused to report poor mental health, and they are twice as likely to smoke or drink frequently or to have used drugs.
Men believe less strongly than women that they have control over their future health or that personal actions contribute to good health. Further, women are more likely than men to contemplate changing unhealthy habits or to maintain healthy habits. Men, however, are more likely than women not to consider changing unhealthy behaviors and to deny that these behaviors are problematic.
There is a high level of agreement among people in the United States regarding typical feminine and masculine characteristics. Men and boys, in particular, experience a great deal of social pressure to conform to these stereotypic characteristics. These dominant norms of masculinity dictate, for example, that men should be self-reliant, strong, robust, and tough; that men should welcome danger; and that men should never reveal vulnerability, back down, or do anything “feminine.” These idealized norms of masculinity create a conflict with actions that we could do to take care of ourselves or to be taken care of by those who love us.
Commenting on the reason so many men become damaged physically and emotionally, psychologist Herb Goldberg says, “They have confused their social masks for their essence, and they are destroying themselves while fulfilling the traditional definitions of masculine-appropriate behavior. They set their life sails by these role definitions. They are the heroes, the studs, the providers, the warriors, the empire builders, and the fearless ones.”15
In general, women are more emotionally expressive than men—except when it comes to expressing anger. Men also report less fear or emotional distress than women do, and they are less likely than women to cry. Men’s inexpressiveness can have both direct and indirect effects on their health and wellbeing. Self-disclosure, for example, is associated with improvements in immune functioning and physical health. Men are also more likely than women to exhibit emotionally inexpressive Type A behavior and to experience or express hostility, both of which are strongly linked with increased health risks—particularly for cardiovascular disease. Men are also disinclined to discuss experiences of pain or physical distress.
With our economic system going through major transformations, more people are unemployed. Unemployment is consistently linked with a variety of negative health effects, and there is evidence that these negative effects are greater for men than for women. Unemployed men are more likely to commit suicide than unemployed women. One study among youth found that unemployment is also a risk factor for increased alcohol consumption, increased tobacco use, illicit drug use, suicide, and unintentional injuries, particularly for males.
An editorial in the March 2011 issue of the British Journal of Psychiatry indicates that depression rates in men are likely to increase due to increasing job loss for men. The study’s lead author, Boadie Dunlop, MD, from Emory University School of Medicine in Atlanta writes, “Compared to women, many men attach a great importance to their roles as providers and protectors of their families. Failure to fulfill the role of breadwinner is associated with greater depression and marital conflict.”16 Dunlop goes on to say, “The recent recession afflicting Western economies serves as a harbinger of the economic future for men, especially for those with lower levels of education. Dubbed by some the ‘Mancession,’ the economic downturn has hit men, and their families, particularly hard.”17
Men have much smaller social networks than women do. Men and boys also have fewer, less intimate friendships, and they are less likely to have a close confidant, particularly someone other than a spouse. Men’s restricted social networks limit their levels of social support. In times of stress, for example, men mobilize less varied social supports than women. There is consistent evidence that the lack of social support is a risk factor for premature death—especially for men. Men with the lowest levels of social support are two to three times more likely to die than men with the highest levels of social support. Men’s social isolation significantly decreases their chance of survival of heart disease, cancer, and stroke.
Each of these ten factors contributes to men’s increased risk for premature death or disability. The good news is that all of these factors can be modified once a man becomes aware of their importance. We shouldn’t be victims of our old belief systems. We can change them. But to change these old beliefs, we have to recognize the times in our lives when we tend to isolate ourselves.
Disconnection from ourselves and others can contribute to our health problems. “All the usual risk factors for heart disease—smoking, obesity, a sedentary lifestyle, and a high-fat diet—account for only half of all cases of heart disease,” says heart expert Dr. Dean Ornish. “Every so-called lifestyle risk factor laid at the door of cardiovascular illness by the medical community has less to do with someone having a heart attack than does simple isolation—from other people, from our own feelings and from a higher power.”18
Our lack of connection is a problem at all stages of our lives, but it becomes increasingly evident as we age. In my book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, I describe my research findings indicating that many men become more irritable, angry, and depressed as they move into middle-age. One spouse I interviewed said her fifty-three-year-old husband “used to be the nicest man you’d ever want to meet. Now he seems to dislike everyone: me, the children, even himself.”19
Dr. Thomas Joiner counters a number of myths about why so many midlife men become angry and irritable and offers a surprising analysis. “Men’s main problem is not self-loathing, stupidity, greed, or any of the legions of other things they’re accused of,” says Joiner.“The problem, instead, is loneliness; as they age, they gradually lose contacts with friends and family, and here’s the important part, they don’t replenish them.”20
Midlife can be the beginning of the end for many men as they find themselves losing connection with friends and family. “As they age, men tend to drift off and wither, and as they do, they avoid healthy fixes,” says Joiner. “A 2008 study found that men, far more so than women, had trouble trusting and reaching out for help from others, including from health care professionals.”21
A huge jump in the suicide rate begins as men reach what is traditionally retirement age. Between sixty-five and seventy-four years of age, the suicide rate is more than six times greater for men than for women in the same age range. Between seventy-five and eight-five, the rate jumps to seven times greater. And for those over eighty-five, the rate of death by suicide is an astounding 17.5 times higher for men than for women.22
As the suicide statistics verify, men often feel increasingly alone as they get older, even when they are surrounded by those who care about them. “A postmortem report on a suicide decedent,” says Joiner, “a man in his sixties read, ‘He did not have friends…he did not feel comfortable with other men…he did not trust doctors and would not seek help even though he was aware that he needed help.’”23 Does this sound familiar?
Many men over forty see themselves in opposition to those around them. “I feel like it’s me against the world,” one man in his fifties told me. According to LynneMcTaggart, award-winning journalist and author of the bestselling books The Field and The Bond, “An enormous body of research reveals that the root of stress and ultimately illness is a sense of isolation, and most toxic of all appears to be our current tendency to pit ourselves against each other.”24
Many of us grew up believing that being a man meant competing for sex and power, and the best men were the ones who came out on top. Whether or not we played sports in school, we were influenced by Green Bay Packer’s Vince Lombardi’s admonition to his players, “Winning isn’t everything.…It’s the only thing.” We also heard sports journalist Grantland Rice when he said, “It’s not that you won or lost but how you played the game.” Even so, it was drummed into us that if we wanted to consider ourselves “real men,” we’d better be winners, not losers, and how well we played made no difference. When winning becomes the only thing that is important, we become more and more competitive with others, which isolates us from those who could be our allies.
There is good news here. Despite the documented dangers of isolation, men are breaking free and reaching out for greater connection with others. All over the world, men are committing to healing themselves and their relationships. We seek new ways to boost energy, reduce stress, effectively handle physical and emotional pain, sleep better, develop skills for managing anger, lift depression, heal addictions, solve conflicts at work, have a more satisfying sex and love life, and play more crucial and positive roles within our family and community.
There is a catch, though. We can’t heal alone. We can only heal ourselves as we heal others. In many of the workshops I attended with poet Robert Bly, mythologist Michael Meade, and psychologist James Hillman, they talked about the importance of “blessing.” Too many of us were raised with cursesrather than blessings. We were told there was something wrong with us, that we were bad and unworthy. At its core, the men’s movement has been about telling our stories to each other and being seen, acknowledged, and held. It’s about seeing ourselves and each other clearly, with all our imperfections and wounds, and loving all of what we see.
While the men’s movement doesn’t make the headlines, its reach is clearly revealed by the following facts: