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A Black Man’s Worth: Conqueror and Head of Household
A Black Woman’s Worth: My Queen and Backbone
Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single
www.Drbuckingham.com
A Black Man’s Worth!
Conqueror and Head of Household
Copyright © 2009, 2012 by Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.
Unless otherwise indicated, all scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. In addition, any information about Black history was taken from the Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia.
Additional copies of this book can be purchased on-line at www.drbuckingham.com or by contacting:
R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, LLC
P.O. Box 2665
Silver Spring, MD 20915
240-242-4087 Voice mail
Expanding Horizons by keeping it “R.E.A.L.”
SECOND EDITION
Cover designed by Stephen Fortune
Library of Congress Control Number: 2011962622
ISBN: 978-0-9849423-5-0
For Worldwide Distribution
Printed in the United States of America
To My Lord Jesus Christ, who protects and nurtures me daily.
To Father Richard Chiles, my God sent father!
And
To my three brothers:
David, Elisha and Dan.
Thanks for the brotherhood, support, and motivation. I wrote the poem on the next page to inspire you to look up when you are feeling down.
I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to if I believe
– I can!
Life will challenge me, but I will succeed because
– I can!
Others may influence my destiny, but I determine it because
– I can!
When others stop believing in me, I push on because
– I can!
Turning to others for help is not easy—however, I do, because
– I can!
Revealing emotions is difficult, but I do because
– I can!
At times, I lack direction and want to give up because
– I can!
But God made me in his image, and whatever I cannot do
He can!
I thank the following individuals who inspired me as I journeyed into manhood and assisted me in understanding my worth as a Black male.
Nicholas Vincent, life has thrown you a couple of curve balls, and your willingness to live a productive life is inspirational.
John King Jr., thanks for being a strong and positive Black male. You are inspiration.
Eugenia Davis, thanks for opening up your heart and home.
Gloria Wright, you are one of the realest women I have ever met.
David Greene, thanks for teaching me how to survive and protect my family.
Elisha Gregory, your devotion to family is notable. Thanks for caring.
Danielle Pettis, I love you, little brother. Thanks for having a big heart.
Jeffery Greene, you inspired me as a child. Thanks for being a leader.
Bennie Williams, you believed in me, and I love you for this.
Robert Milton, thanks for showing me how to stand by and support women.
Bettie and Ken Brakebill, thanks for extending loving hearts.
Linda and Bill Sodemann, thanks for not giving up on me.
Stacey Nichols, thanks for being you, and never stop being bighearted.
Keisha Milton, you have been a blessing. Thanks for being a positive woman.
Calvin Nelson, Jr., I appreciate your friendship. Thanks for being you.
Gladys Milton, thanks for accepting me into your heart and family.
Randle Smith, Jr., you inspired me to take that big step—marriage and fatherhood.
William Humphrey, thanks for being a positive friend.
Kevin Bonner, thanks for supporting me over the years.
Jennifer Jones, I truly appreciate your friendship and support. Thanks for offering awesome editorial input.
LaNetra Kellar, I cherish your friendship and thank God for you.
Monica Stephenson, thanks for reintroducing me to Christ. You changed my life.
Bishop Ira Combs, Jr., I will always be grateful for the awesome spiritual guidance.
Thanks to every man and woman that influenced my life and made me who I am today.
Last, but not least, I would like to give a special thanks to my Pastor John K. Jenkins, Sr. for his spiritual guidance and wisdom. Thanks for being a superb man of God.
You were created in the image of God, and your life was predetermined before you were born. I pray that you look to God for guidance when you are discouraged. I wrote this book with the hope that it will provide tools to help you understand your worth and conquer internalized oppression. As Black men, you experience adversity daily, but your life circumstances do not determine your worth. Your ability to progress in life is determined by your capacity to weather storms with hope and a positive attitude. As a race of people, we have suffered enough. It is time for you to take the lead in restoring our ancestral values and ethics that made the Black community a force to be reckoned with. I pledge to treat each brother with dignity and respect, and I challenge you to do the same. Your efforts will not be in vain. Our women and children are depending on us.
I encourage you to take full responsibility for being the head of your household. Life is valued and appreciated by those who understand their position in life. A man who embraces his God-given leadership role will influence those who depend on him. Life’s challenges should not deter you from your responsibility to govern yourself like the Conqueror that you are.
“A new dawn of American leadership is at hand.”
—President Barack Obama
While it is true that race relations and economical opportunities have improved for Blacks over the past few decades, many Black males feel that they are still treated as second class citizens. Traumatized by the historical and on-going effects of oppression, numerous Black males have constructed psychological barriers in order to protect themselves from being re-victimized. This survival and defense mechanism, unfortunately, prevents many of them from leaving communities with limited opportunities; which results in inadequate role models and scarce resources. Feelings of inequality, inadequacy, hopelessness, helplessness, sadness, greed, anger, and hatred are by-products of extreme and prolonged internalized oppression.
Are you suffering from internalized oppression and engaging in self-destructive or self-inhibiting behavior? Internalized oppression is the endorsement of oppressive views and beliefs in negative stereotypes. Individuals experiencing internalized oppression often engage in activities that validate negative stereotypes. For example, many Black males are assumed to be naturally athletic and academically challenged. Individuals who endorse this stereotype will encourage Black males to focus primarily on their athletic gifts instead of academic pursuits. A lot of hours are spent on physical training, but academic preparation is minimal due to an underlying belief that Black males are not smart enough to excel academically. Black males who are suffering from internalized oppression often question their ability to thrive in relationships, in society, and life in general. Internalized oppression might cause you to experience decreased pleasure or satisfaction with self, inability to bond with and trust others, an uncontainable need to please others or to be in control, as well as increased feelings of inferiority, powerlessness, helplessness, and doubtfulness. Internalized oppression may cause you to feel emotionally reserved or restricted and can eventually cause you to self-destruct by engaging in activities that negatively affect you.
Internalized oppression has crippled Black males for decades and continues to be a hindrance to productivity. In an attempt to survive in a capitalistic society, many Black males have adopted the assumptions and methods of their oppressors. A large number of Black males feel inferior, and, in return, treat others as if they are inferior. To minimize their emotional distress, they use money, status, acquired power and/or violence to disempower, marginalize, silence, and control others. This unfortunate reality has prompted countless Black males to suffer from low self-esteem and self-doubt, which is often demonstrated by destroying the Black community and engaging in self-destructive or self-inhibiting behavior.
In pursuit of authority, acceptance, money, power, and respect, some Black males exploit Black women emotionally, physically, and sexually. In addition, some neglect, abuse, and leave their children to cope with life without a father. Like their oppressors, Black males attack, demean, and victimize individuals who are perceived to be inferior. This lack of respect for humanity is justified out of feelings of self-pity and anguish, which are a result of personal and family misfortune. Rationalization takes precedence over common sense and reinforces the vengeful mentality. As Black males, you cannot sit around and blame others for your plight. You must not bombard yourselves with feelings of sympathy and entitlement. You must take the initiative to understand and address this pervasive and destructive trend.
The primary purpose of this book is to serve as a motivational and educational tool for Black males who lack understanding of their worth and therefore struggle to conquer internalized oppression. I greatly appreciate the support and encouragement I have received over the years. I hope to uplift as many Black males as possible. My goal is to help you conquer internalized oppression, which will hopefully help you to understand what it means to be a conqueror and enable you to embrace your responsibility as head of your household.
Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1 Does My Life Have Meaning
Chapter 2 Conqueror and Head of Household
Chapter 3 A R.E.A.L. Man
Chapter 4 Be Realistic
Chapter 5 Develop Rational Expectations
Chapter 6 Maintain a Positive Attitude
Chapter 7 Love Unconditionally
Conclusion
Appendix 1 A Black Man’s Self-Empowerment Creed
Appendix 2 A Helper’s Creed
Appendix 3 I Have A Dream Speech
President Barack Obama Victory Speech
Appendix 4 R.E.A.L. Black Men
Appendix 5 Selecting a Role Model
Appendix 6 Understanding Oppression
Appendix 7 Self-Concept Screening Questionnaire
Appendix 8 Strength Inventory
Am I my brother’s keeper? Am I the head of my household? Am I a father to my children? Am I a productive citizen? Am I capable of providing for and protecting my family? Am I capable of coping with adversity in a positive manner?
As a Black male, you were created in the image of God. You are capable of achieving all that your heart desires if you follow God’s Will for your life. However, many of you do not live up to your full potential or capitalize on your God-given skills. Why?
Living in an unjust society that continues to oppress Black males has caused many of you to question your right to exist and ability to succeed. Some of you lack direction and struggle to make sense out of your life. In your daily efforts to survive, provide for and protect yourself and others, and feel respected, you fail to understand and embrace God’s will for your life. You allow bitterness and disobedience to rob you of what God has already promised you.
God created Adam in his likeness and gave him dominion to care for the earth and to commune with Him directly. He shaped Adam not only to be the head of his household, but to watch over all creation. God’s Will for Adam’s life was filled with unlimited purpose. Adam was blessed with an opportunity to live in the Garden of Eden eternally, enjoying an everlasting relationship with God. However, Adam failed to embrace what he had been blessed with by disobeying God’s commandment to not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Like Adam, many of you experience hardships because you do not embrace or seek to understand God’s Will for your life. So often you complain about not living a prosperous life, but you must remember that God blesses those who are obedient. Adam allowed Eve to persuade him to do wrong despite receiving clear instructions from God. Adam’s disobedience and inability to follow God’s commands resulted in him being driven out of the Garden of Eden.
The Fall of Man occurred because Adam failed to take control of his household and obey God. God always equips us with instructions to do His Will, but we fail to embrace His guidance. Similar to Adam, your plight is determined by your actions. Hardships you face in life are a direct result of your inability to be a good steward over the things with which you are blessed. God blessed you with the ability to turn despair into hope. Conquering internalized oppression is only possible if you embrace God’s Will for your life.
God blessed me to write this book in order to provide you with instructions on how to control your destiny. If you are ready to change your life, you will continue to read this God-inspired book which highlights universal hardships experienced by Black males suffering from internalized oppression. Seed Thoughts are presented at the beginning of each chapter in order to stimulate thinking. Each chapter also includes a strategy for males of all ages to help them conquer internalized oppression. R.E.A.L. strategies are provided to help you, but your ability to benefit from them will require you to have an open mind and positive attitude.
To live life without an identity is as harsh as living life without a soul.
–––Dwayne L. Buckingham
Does My Life Have Meaning?
For centuries, man has sought answers to two fundamental questions regarding human existence: Does my life have meaning? and Who am I? Defining and giving meaning to one’s life is very important. Most men live their lives trying to accomplish this goal. Knowledge of self and why we exist provides a road map for living our lives and helps shape our souls. To live life without an identity is as harsh as living life without a soul. I believe that every man’s life is significant, but how does one determine if his life is meaningful? In modern day society, most people believe that their lives are meaningful if they possess power, wealth, fame, money, and wisdom. Most expect to be protected from violence, receive suitable education, be supported emotionally, mentored or guided when faced with life challenges, and to be granted equal employment opportunities.
As a Black male growing up in urban America, I thought that my life and the lives of other Black males were insignificant and dispensable. Why? To help you better understand those feelings, I would like you to join me as I reminisce. We will take a look at personal hardships and challenges I experienced as a Black male living in this rigid and unjust society. Are you ready?
As a child I was often told that I could be whatever I wanted to be. Despite my speech impediment, I was a normal and healthy child whose life was filled with promise and hope. I was destined for greatness. I never questioned my ability to succeed or maintain a positive sense of self. Like many hopeful Black males living in urban America, I believed that my skin color, developmental delay, nor environmental conditions would be crippling factors in my effort to achieve the “American” dream. I was optimistic and saw the world through the eyes of those who nurtured, sheltered, and shielded me.
I anticipated starting school with excitement and eagerness. I was told that school would help me develop skills that would enable me to conquer the world. However, as I left my sheltered home environment, I was exposed to the reality of living in a harsh and unjust society. My neighborhood was shabby, and the streets were filled with men who sought power, money, and control through the use of violence, drugs, and crime. The school I attended was like a war zone where violence occurred daily. To make matters worse, I was teased daily at school by my peers for having a speech impediment. I did not know how to cope with the teasing, so I shut down and refused to express myself. As a result, my teachers quickly labeled me as being “defiant” and as a “behavioral problem”. They tried to force me to participate in class, but I resisted. I was willing to accept the consequences as long as it prevented me from being teased. No one every asked me why I refused to follow their instructions; instead I was punished. The place that previously filled me with excitement had become my nightmare. I resorted to fighting to stop my peers from teasing me. Dishing out and receiving punishment was a vicious cycle in my life. I thrashed my peers, my teachers thrashed me, and then my mother and older siblings thrashed me again when I arrived home. With this drama in my life, I definitely was not focused on excelling in school. In fact, I ended up repeating the second grade. Now in the same grade as my younger brother, my self-esteem was low and my ego was crushed. My view of myself and life began to change.
As I continued to explore my environment, I witnessed violence, murder, and police brutality and harassment daily. It was not long before my hopes turned to despair. At age seven, I began to ask myself Does my life have meaning? I grew up viewing myself and other Black males negatively. I thought all Black men were sadistic because they did horrible things that were destructive to themselves and others.
While riding down the street with my mother and older brother, my mother’s ex-boyfriend shot at the car, and I was hit in the arm. He was angry because my mother ended their relationship. At this point in my life, I was already miserable and numb to emotional pain, so the shooting did not significantly affect me. I believed wholeheartedly that my life was dispensable. I hoped for the best, but expected the worst.
Life was filled with disappointment. The man who was supposed to be my father told me that he was not because I made him angry. With all the madness and destruction around me, I found peace in learning how to dissociate from my surroundings to feel safe. I dreamed about being a doctor who healed the sick. I did whatever I could to maintain a positive view of myself as a Black male. However, this coping mechanism slowly faded as I was reminded daily of my reality. There were no doctors walking the streets of my neighborhood. I could not identify with the lifestyle of a doctor. However, I was very familiar with the lifestyle of drug dealers, gangsters, and blue collar workers. I was confused and did not understand why my lifestyle did not resemble the lifestyle of white children I watched on television. They were protected from violence, received suitable education, were supported emotionally, mentored when faced with life challenges, and their parents were granted equal and viable employment opportunities. My mind drifted regularly. It was difficult for me to distinguish between fantasy and reality.
Does my life have meaning?