Other Great Books by Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham
Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single
Can Black Women Achieve Marital Satisfaction? How Childhood Nurturing Experiences Impact Marital Happiness
Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires In A Relationship
A Black Man’s Worth: Conqueror and Head of Household
Ground-Breaking Films by Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham
A Black Man’s Worth: Conqueror and Head of Household
A Black Woman’s Worth: My Queen and Backbone
Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single
www.Drbuckingham.com
A Black Woman’s Worth!
My Queen and Backbone
Copyright © 2008, 2012 by Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.
Unless otherwise indicated, all scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. In addition, any biographical information about Black women was taken from The Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia.
Additional copies of this book can be purchased on-line at www.Drbuckingham.com or by contacting:
R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, LLC
P.O. Box 2665
Silver Spring, MD 20915
240-242-4087 Voice mail
SECOND EDITION
Cover designed by Stephen Fortune
Library of Congress Control Number: 2011962623
Genre/Self-Help
ISBN: 978-0-9849423-6-7
Photos by Synica Tate
Printed in the United States of America
Dedication
To My Lord Jesus Christ, Who protects and nurtures me daily.
To my beloved deceased mother, Arlene “Tot” Pettis, who will always be my Queen!
And
To my nurturing sisters:
Linda, Alma, Cynthia and Bonnie
Thanks for the encouragement, support and unconditional love. Words cannot express my gratitude, but I will try. I wrote the poem on the next page to articulate my love and appreciation.
Thank You!
I am the Man that I am Because of you!
Thank you!
Life would be difficult without you!
Thank you!
Many women have entered and left my life, but not you!
Thank you!
At times I feel like giving up, but you never do!
Thank you!
Sharing my emotions is hard—however, I do, with you!
Thank you!
I can only hope to love like you!
Thank you!
You are a Queen and worthy of being treated like one, and I
Thank God for you!
Acknowledgments
I thank the following individuals who supported me as I journeyed into manhood and assisted me in understanding the worth of Black women.
Thelma Greene, you have a quiet persona, but a powerful presence.
Louise King, thanks for being a strong Black woman.
Eugenia Davis, thanks for opening up your heart and home.
Gloria Wright, you are one of the realest women I have ever met.
David Greene, thanks for teaching me how to survive and protect family.
Elisha Gregory, your devotion to family is notable. Thanks for caring.
Danielle Pettis, I love you, little brother. Thanks for having a big heart.
Jeffery Greene, you inspired me as a child. Thanks for being a leader.
Bennie Williams, you believed in me, and I love you for this.
Robert Milton, thanks for showing me how to stand by and support women.
Bettie and Ken Brakebill, thanks for extending loving hearts.
Linda and Bill Sodemann, thanks for not giving up on me.
Stacey Nichols, thanks for being you, and never stop being bighearted.
Keisha Milton, you have been a blessing. Thanks for being a positive woman.
Calvin Nelson, Jr. I appreciate your friendship. Thanks for being you.
Gladys Milton, thanks for accepting me into your heart and family.
Randall Smith, Jr., you inspire me to take that big step—marriage and fatherhood.
William Humphrey, thanks for being a positive friend.
Kevin Bonner, thanks for supporting me over the years.
LaNetra Kellar, I cherish your friendship and thank God for you.
Monica Stephenson, thanks for reintroducing me to Christ. You changed my life.
Bishop Ira Combs, Jr. I will always be grateful for the awesome spiritual guidance.
Pastor John K. Jenkins, Sr. I thank you and God for the life-changing sermons you give.
Thanks to every woman that influenced my life and made me who I am today.
Last but not least, I would like to give a special thanks to Dr. Richard Chiles for his guidance, support and wisdom. Thanks for being the father I never had.
Message to Black Women
I thank God for creating such a wonderful sisterhood—you. I pray that this book provides the tools to help you understand your worth and prevent burnout and demoralization. As Black women you have experienced and continue to experience hardships to which many cannot relate. I do not pretend to understand you or your hardships fully. However, I do know that you are the backbone of the Black community, and progress for us does not happen without you. I pledge to treat you like Queens, and I challenge you to continue our rich heritage by conducting yourselves like the Queens that you are. Your hardships are not in vain. On behalf of all Black men I am saying, “Sorry and thanks.”
A Message to Single Black Women
I encourage you to position yourselves for marriage, but do not convince yourselves that you must be married or be in a relationship to feel whole or worthy of being treated like Queens. If you are not happy alone, you probably will not be happy with someone present. Establish a relationship with Christ and I assure you that you will feel whole and receive Queen Treatment.
Preface
While it is true that women were created as helpmates for men, Black women have been the backbone of the African American race throughout history. Their contributions, sacrifices, strong will and superb nurturing abilities have helped preserve the African American family and culture. As the saying goes, “Behind every strong Black man there is a strong Black woman.” However, with the decline of strong Black men in the African American community, many Black women have taken on the double burden of providing for themselves and their children while also maintaining the home and rearing their children singlehandedly. This unfortunate phenomenon has caused many Black women to suffer from burnout, which, in turn, has contributed to the increase in demoralizing behavior exhibited by Black women and young girls.
In pursuit of economic and financial security, happiness, love and acceptance, many Black women and young girls have devalued their worth. Some engage in casual sex for money, popularity, peer approval, pleasure and/or excitement. Others enter into or remain in abusive or unhealthy relationships that are detrimental to their children, family, friends and themselves. These survival methods, unfortunately, prevent many Black women and young girls from developing healthy self-esteem, relationships, and, ultimately, a true understanding of their worth.
Every Black woman is unique; each woman copes with situations differently. What works for one Black woman might not work for the next. My aspiration to help my sisters understand their worth and prevent burnout and demoralization serves as the foundation for this book.
Are you suffering from burnout and/or engaging in demoralizing behavior? Burnout is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. People experiencing burnout often don’t see any hope of positive change in their situations. Burnout can cause you to engage in behavior that is not consistent with your values or standard mode of performance. If you are suffering from burnout you might experience decreased interest, motivation, sensitivity, productivity and energy; increased hopelessness, powerlessness, cynicism and resentfulness. Burnout might also cause you to feel dull and mistrustful. Burnout can also cause demoralization: feelings of gloom and inadequacy due to engaging in activities that undermine your morals.
God inspired me to write and dedicate this book to all Black women and young girls who desire to understand their worth and regain control over their life. I am indebted to hundreds of women, both friends and family, who have impacted my life and helped me learn the value of a Black woman. I emptied my heart and soul into this book hoping that I can help you understand your worth. My goals are to convince you that you are a Queen and the backbone of the Black community and to provide you with R.E.A.L. strategies for preventing burnout and demoralization.
Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1 Transformed by Knowledge and Wisdom
Chapter 2 Keep it “R.E.A.L.”
Chapter 3 Be Realistic
Chapter 4 Explore Your Expectations and Values
Chapter 5 Change Your Attitude
Chapter 6 Love Yourself Unconditionally
Conclusion
Appendix 1 A Black Woman’s Creed
Appendix 2 A Black Man’s Creed
Appendix 3 One Flaw in Women
Appendix 4 The 100 Most Fascinating Black Women of the 20th Century
Appendix 5 Selecting a Female Role Model
Appendix 6 Understanding Abuse
Appendix 7 Abuse/Neglect Screening Questionnaire
Appendix 8 Strength Inventory
Many Black women do not understand their worth. Why? Because in their day-to-day attempts to please and nurture others, feel loved, be happy, work and prosper, they do not make or have time to reflect on their worth. They often fail to understand that many of their day-to-day struggles are associated with not knowing and understanding their worth. Some women do not appreciate their current blessings because they are too preoccupied with focusing on what they lack.
God created woman to be a helpmate for man. He initially gave Adam and Eve equal dominion to care for the earth and to commune with him. Eve’s worth was immeasurable. She was blessed to be the first female, had co-responsibility over creation and had a special relationship with God. Eve was created to be of one with Adam and to live eternally, enjoying an everlasting relationship with God. However, due to not understanding her worth and appreciating her blessings, Eve damaged her relationship with God. She allowed Satan to deceive her by distracting her from reflecting on her blessings, reminding her of what she did not have and tempting her with something she desired. Without seeking understanding or guidance from God or Adam, Eve did what Satan wanted. And to make matters worse, she shared her sin with Adam and blamed Satan for her indiscretion. This ill-fated disobedience that started with Eve and ended with Adam separated them from the Tree of Life and was the beginning of the fall of mankind.
The story of Adam and Eve clearly illustrates how easy it is to be deceived and do wrong when you lack knowledge and do not seek understanding or guidance. Satan was capable of deceiving Eve because she did not understand her worth, lacked knowledge and assumed that she could prosper by doing bad. Like Eve, many of you lack knowledge and/or understanding of your worth, thus making yourselves vulnerable and easy to deceive.
However, because of God’s gift of Free Will, you have choices. You can stop reading this book and continue to be vulnerable to burnout, greed, sadness, hopelessness and anger, which will ultimately lead to demoralizing behavior. Or you can continue reading this book to gain a better understanding of your worth and learn to prevent burnout and demoralization. The choice is yours!
If you choose to continue reading, you will discover in the following chapters descriptions of common hardships experienced by Black women who do not know or seek to understand their worth. Seed Thoughts are presented at the beginning of each chapter to stimulate thinking. Each chapter includes a strategy for Black women and young girls to use to prevent burnout and demoralization. R.E.A.L. strategies are designed to empower you, but your ability to benefit from them will require you to have an open mind, positive attitude and desire to practice.
I think education is power. I think that being able to communicate with people is power. One of my main goals on this planet is to encourage people to empower themselves.
—Oprah Winfrey
Transformed by Knowledge and Wisdom
----------------------- Chapter 1 -----------------------
As a young boy I did not understand the worth of a Black woman. I was not educated or informed. No man ever taught me to respect a Black woman or appreciate her. I grew up viewing women negatively. I thought all Black women were weak because they did things that nobody else would do and supported men who did not support them or stay with them. My mother birthed eight children and practically raised us by herself. She instilled the fear of God in us and taught us to be generous. She volunteered in church and gave to the needy. She did not have much money, but she would give money to other kids in the neighborhood. She was always willing to help someone else and did not ask for anything in return. She did it all. She worked long hours as a bricklayer to support my siblings and me. I remember having mixed feeling about my mother as a young child. I loved her wholeheartedly for taking care of me, but I was also angry with her. My siblings and I were often teased about not having a father present. We were also teased about my mother’s employment status. I never understood why she chose to work as a bricklayer. I felt embarrassed and wanted her to get a “woman’s job.” I never expressed my emotions or concerns to my mother, and as a result, I never understood her.
At a young age I held a negative view of Black women. Witnessing the hardships and pain of my four sisters also compounded my ambivalence and negativity. They had children at early ages and engaged in activities similar to those of my mother: up-and-down relationships and raising their children alone. Only one of my sisters married, but this did not last long. Growing up and observing the hardships experienced by the women I cherished and loved was emotionally devastating. However, due to a lack of knowledge and respectful male role models, I grew up treating women the same way I saw men treat my mother and sisters.