reading

Cover Layout and Design by Vinnie Corbo
Produced by Vinnie Corbo
Edited by Catherine Gigante-Brown

This book is dedicated to you, the man who courageously shared your “secret” with me. Together, we discovered that your secret was merely a sexual fetish that isn’t as life-altering or as horrible as you originally imagined. The more you talked, the more you heard the fallacies of your thinking. The more you talked, the more you realized that fetish doesn’t define you. The more you talked, the more relief you felt. And those therapy sessions affected change that’s with you today. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your growth.

I also want to thank each of you for speaking frankly on a topic that you’ve kept hidden all your life. Without your honesty and willingness to explore, I would have never been able to develop my Five-Point Fetish Plan. So, thank you for helping me to help other fetishists. I am very appreciative and eternally grateful to you.

About five years ago, I published an article called “You’ll Never Guess What Turns Me On: Understanding Your Sexual Fetish,” and posted it on my therapy website, www.therapywithcare.com. I have to admit that I was pleasantly surprised at all of the attention it got. Not only did that article receive wide acclaim, but it garnered an unprecedented amount of emails from fetishists across the globe. They were thrilled to come across something about fetish written from a positive, accepting point of view.

I’ve long been aware that most people in the psychological community pathologize fetish and categorize it as a paraphilia or addiction. In short, they view it as if it’s a disease instead of a difference. There are also false claims of “cures” for fetish. Professionals, life coaches or ministers, profess to use behavioral conditioning techniques as a means to get the supposed deviant “back to normal.” To me, this demonstrates a deep misunderstanding about fetish in general.

When searching online for information about sexual fetish, it turns out that pornographers are the main supporters. While that’s great, there is a huge void for those who crave more. While adult films provide an outlet and entertainment, fetishists are in dire need of validation in a world that is uncompromising when it comes to sexual expression. Especially sexual expression that is a bit different than the perceived norm.

Perhaps you are one of these people with unusual erotic interests. You probably feel embarrassed, alone and ashamed of your sexual wants. You know that your arousal triggers are a bit odd. You feel that your partner would be appalled to know what goes on inside your head. You’ve tried to reprogram yourself, only to find that you come back to your “arousal point” (the thing that turns you on) in order to have completion during sex. You wish your fetish would just go away. You might even have attempted to get help, only to be disappointed. Eventually, you go back to your one reliable source of sexual satisfaction, to your arousal point. Hypnotherapy won’t work. Conventional 12-Step Programs won’t work. Most of all, abstinence
won’t work.

Fetish is strong, powerful and never goes away. Fetish is something that has been embedded and programmed into your sexual makeup. While there is still no definitive answer as to how fetish develops, science is now viewing fetish in much the same way it acknowledges the origins of homosexuality: it’s most likely genetic. There is an environmental factor influencing fetish as well. Early in life, a strong signal triggered a sexual response to a nonsexual stimuli. While this is interesting information, ultimately, the origin of fetish is not as important as the here and now of it is to you—the “present” that you are currently dealing with. How to make peace with your fetish and make it an integral part of your life instead of something shameful.

Many of you struggle with the secrecy aspect of having a fetish. Telling your partner. Should I or shouldn’t I? You wonder if it’s wrong to look at the porn that validates your cravings. You feel guilty about masturbating and thinking about your fetish. You believe that your thoughts are incorrect. You imagine that your partner would be appalled to know your real yearnings. Deep down, you feel that you are sexually broken.

Fetish and You was written to challenge your incorrect beliefs about fetish. This book will help you develop other thoughts about your sexuality: healthier, more accepting thoughts. The goal is to achieve a feeling of self-acceptance. Self-acceptance will allow you to feel confident and present in the world. Self-acceptance will give you the confidence to talk openly with your partner. And most of all, the feeling of self-acceptance will alleviate the anxiety often attached to compulsive sexual behaviors and acting out in a disordered way. Self-acceptance will also erase any feelings of self-loathing you might have.

As a licensed therapist, I have interviewed and counseled thousands of fetishists throughout my 30-year career. Embracing your fetish will enable you to manage and control your fetish. Ultimately, you want to be in control of your fetish rather than have your fetish control you.

To get the most out of Fetish and You, I suggest you read what I refer to as the opening chapters: those addressing what everybody should understand about any type of sexual behavior considered to be unusual by society. There are even quizzes, which I think you’ll find extremely useful.

The initial chapters will give you a solid, basic foundation and understanding of what fetish is and how to deal with your emotions. You can then skip ahead to the chapter which addresses your particular sexual proclivity more specifically. I’ve devoted chapters to some of the most common fetishes, then have a “catch-all” chapter called “The Less-Common Fetishes: Off the Beaten Track,” which discusses the brand of fetish that is more specialized. If your particular fetish is not included, please don’t be discouraged or disappointed. The chapter called “Identification” gives you the questions you must ask yourself in order to complete the Identification Process. You can then choose one of the chapters that deals with a specific fetish and use that as a model to help you understand your own fetish.

And finally, there are “wrap-up” chapters which discuss key topics like managing your fetish, whether or not you should share your fetish with your partner, case studies and how to successfully incorporate fetish into your life. These chapters are intended for everyone to read, no matter their personal proclivity.

I’ve often said that fetishes are as different as fingerprints or snowflakes. Because of this, it’s impossible to address them all in a book. However, I’ve provided general guidelines on addressing and accepting your particular fetish, no matter how “deviant” and “perverted” our closed culture has made you out to be. You are in a safe place now—no judgment, no name-calling, no finger-pointing. Just useful information and acceptance.

We live on a planet that loves to assign labels. This is the way we categorize people, places and things. But all too often, these labels are rigid, unyielding and leave little room for variation. We’re smart or stupid. Tall or short. Happy or sad. We form opinions about others based upon what we were told as children. These opinions are often racially based and full of stereotypes. Yet, because we’ve heard these things during our formative years, we think of them as the Gospel truth. We don’t question what we’re told. We just formulate incorrect belief systems which we adopt and adapt as our own. We don’t even think to question the facts.

Gender dictates a great deal of how we view the world, as well as how we see ourselves. From the moment we’re born, we’re expected to behave in accordance with being male or female. Pink or blue. Ballet or sports. English or math. Think about all the differences we take for granted simply based upon gender. Parents treat girl babies differently than boy babies. Girls are handled daintily while boys are roughhoused. Girls are expected to be well-behaved while boys are given more leeway, often with the shrug, “Boys will be boys.” But what exactly does that mean?

Though much progress has been made, these societal standards still exist. By and large, men are expected to be the main financial supporters of their family. Women can work outside the house, but it’s not required. Men statistically earn more money for the same job. Eyebrows are still raised if a man chooses to be a stay-at-home dad while his wife goes out to bring home the bacon. Things are definitely changing but double standards still exist. Women are still thought of as emotionally driven while men are portrayed as rational decision makers.

An interesting case to prove this point came about during the 2004 presidential primaries. We had two very controversial candidates to choose from—an African-American male and a Caucasian female. Both of these candidates crossed cultural norms and challenged racially-driven attitudes. When push came to shove, the African-American male triumphed over the Caucasian female. Of course, there were many other factors present, but think about the outcome. Even in our “progressive” country, we still consider women to be second class by the very nature of their sex. Yes, we’ve evolved, but we still have a long way to go toward genuine equality between men and women.

Along with these messages about sexual gender come even stronger messages about how to express our sexual behavior. Universally, girls are taught that their sexuality is something to be protected. Sex can be a useful tool in solidifying a relationship, controlling a partner and, of course, creating life. Boys are given a completely different message. They are encouraged to explore, conquer, and get as much as possible. Boys are schooled to be careful about making babies but the other messages seem to hold more importance. Promiscuous boys are players while promiscuous girls are sluts. Guys are expected to be initiators while girls who take the lead are labeled as aggressive. Suffice to say that there’s a huge difference when it comes to the expectations the world community bestows on us simply by the virtue of being born male or female.

Sex is a topic that human beings don’t really like to discuss. Parents dread questions about sex from their kids. These days, moms and dads are happy (and relieved!) that most schools offer basic sex education. But the information given is generally awkward and often unconvincing. When it comes to sex talk, it’s universally met with embarrassment, shame and a touch of childish snickering. As a result, we embrace inflexible beliefs that validate the concept of “normalcy.” We fall back upon stereotypes and myths that have been handed down from generation to generation.

- Sex should be performed between one man and one woman.

- Sex means that the male inserts his penis into the woman’s vagina. This is called intercourse.

- Intercourse should be performed between a man and woman who are in love and better yet, married.

- Intercourse also produces babies. Some religions advocate sex only for the purpose of procreation.

- Men are the initiators when it comes to sex.

- Men are the aggressors in matters sexual.

- Women submit to the sexual act upon her man’s desires.

- Ejaculation is the goal and completes the act of intercourse.

Within the last four decades, thanks to sexologists like Masters and Johnson, we’ve broadened our views to include gems like this:

- Women have a clitoris, which is instrumental in female sexual pleasure.

- Women have orgasms from either intercourse or clitoral stimulation.

- It’s okay, and even preferable, for a woman to enjoy sex.

- Men can perform cunnilingus and still be considered “men.”

- Marital aids or sex toys like vibrators are fine to incorporate into the sex act.

- Some kinky play like light bondage or teasing with feathers is acceptable.

We have definitely made immense strides in our knowledge about sexuality, but our core beliefs are far from progressive. The letters LGBT (which stand for “lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender”) are as common as USA or LOL. But deep down, we’re not as accepting as we pretend to be. Awareness is a totally different beast than genuine acceptance. Lesbians are still seen as women who have “settled” for a female because they are masculine, inferior or hurt. Gay men are sissies and not real men. Bisexuals are thought of as mainly gay or just plain horny. And transgenders are still a mystery to just about everyone. The very idea of the sex-change process is still considered pretty abhorrent

Although many US states sanction gay marriage, I’m referring to society’s general belief system rather than legalities. People will give lip service to the LGBT community but if they were totally honest, most parents pray for a straight child. The negative messages are so ingrained that many LGBT people keep their sexual preference a secret from their family and at their job. Is the world really more open-minded? Are we changing our old, antiquated beliefs? Maybe a little, but we still have a long way to go.

Science is discovering that people do not choose to be gay, straight or transgender. Today there is evidence that sexuality is genetically preordained. Human beings are born with their sexual map in place. Nobody chooses to be straight or gay. And we don’t choose our predilections either. This includes you, the forgotten population. You, the man who has a sexual fetish. There, I said it.

You didn’t choose to have a fetish. Your fetish chose you. And just like the LGBT population, you too must contend with a population that is unyielding and rigid about any kind of sexuality that is different from the norm. But unlike those in the LGBT population, you have to deal with something even more insidious. Loneliness.

The idea of sexual fetish is relatively new. Many of you probably didn’t even know how to define the fact that your penis gets erect when exposed to thoughts or stimuli different than what you were schooled to think was arousing. Remember, sex education is rudimentary. It covers only the basics. Chances are good that no one ever mentioned the fact that hundreds of thousands of you (maybe more) get aroused by words, objects and acts outside the confines of conventional sexuality.

Many of you have been helped by the Internet. Finally, you know that you aren’t alone. But a large number of you have been dealing with your fetish since the pre-Internet days. I know how you’ve suffered. I know how you’ve felt so plagued and disgusted with yourself. No matter how many websites profess to specialize in your fetish, if you were completely honest with yourself, you still feel isolated and alone. You believe there is something “wrong” with you. No woman will want you. You envy the LGBT community for their openness and support system. You wish there was a community of fetishists. (Actually, there is. Many large cities like New York have fetish “clubs” like the Eulenspiegel Society or TES, http://www.tes.org/ and fetlife.com) Unfortunately, this self-loathing keeps everyone apart. We don’t want the stigma of being sexually different. Especially when it’s something we conceive to be embarrassing and perverse.

I realize that many of you feel you’re condemned to live a life without intimacy, especially within the confines of a sexually-inflexible global community. How in the world are you going to explain that you’d rather suck your lover’s toes than her nipples? How can you tell your wife that you’d rather see her dressed in thigh-high boots than in a negligee? That your need for pain is stronger than your need for pleasure?

Your dilemma is not unfounded. Nor are your feelings of confusion, shame and guilt. How do you expect to function normally in a culture where there are so many predisposed expectations about sex, relationships and male/female roles? No wonder you live in a constant state of anxiety and fear about your fetish! No wonder you’re baffled about how to have your fetish and a relationship, too. Your concern is completely understandable considering that we live in a world filled with prejudice.

The good news is that people are beginning to acknowledge that fetish or offbeat sexuality does in fact exist. Years ago people equated bondage and discipline with severe, dark sadomasochistic behavior. Today sex shops sell user-friendly kits that incorporate aspects of these behaviors without the grit—or guilt. It’s no big deal to restrain your partner with silk scarves and use soft feathers and floggers to tease and torment. Leather and latex events are held in major cities across the US and Europe. The book Fifty Shades of Grey was a blockbuster, enjoyed by conventional housewives across the globe, and the film based on the novel promises to be just as successful.

The Internet is filled with websites that cater to every conceivable fetish. And new ones are emerging all the time. Furries (people who enjoy dressing up like furry animals) are common with the younger crowd. I suspect the furry phenomenon occurred because of the cuddly, larger-than-life characters kids were exposed to at amusement parks. There’s also something called “cake farts,” where a person plops down onto a cake and passes gas. There are “casting” fetishists who enjoy being out in public with casts covering their make-believe broken arms and legs. And there are all kinds of fetishes inspired by body piercings and tattoos.

Like some sports, these fetishes often go to the extreme. They are reflective of the times. Best of all, they embrace the uniqueness of the human condition. They are the embodiment of the catch phrase “Let your freak flag fly.”

As an advocate for fetishists for more than three decades, I’ve seen attitudes grow, develop and change. I’ve worked with women who are open-minded and want to do whatever it takes to be their husband’s best lover. They totally “get” the notion that having intimate knowledge of their man’s fetish is the secret to turning him on.

Yet, I know that you still have serious doubts about acceptance from another human being, especially one you care about. But here’s the good news—it all starts with you. You have the power to change your thinking. You have the power to manage your fetish. Your fetish doesn’t cause your negativity—you do. The shame and guilt you feel are only there because of how you think and the fact that you’ve bought into rigid, uncompromising beliefs.

I will guarantee you this—the more you feel okay about your fetish, the less anxious you will feel. The less anxious you feel, the less importance you will give your fetish. You will acknowledge its existence and put it in the right perspective. You will know that the fetish defines only one small part of you. You are, in fact, a human being with potential to contribute to the world, your family and the community in the best way possible. You have all of the assets, abilities and personality traits which allow you to be uniquely YOU. Fetish is but a small part of who you are.

Once you reach this transformative phase of self-acceptance, you will have achieved the basic component of what it takes to feel comfortable with your fetish, to peacefully coexist with it. But first, some education. It’s important to know what fetish really means. That’s what we’ll look at in the next chapter.

If you are a male who has unconventional sexual longings, this book is meant for you. Unconventional means that you are aroused by a specific object, activity or mindset that’s generally not related to typical sexual activity. This arousal trigger, also known as fetish, is necessary in order for you to achieve orgasm. These arousal triggers are not connected with standard heterosexual behavior. Although they are different, they are very real for you.

Though women and people in the LGBT community also have fetishes, for the sake of simplicity, the focus of this book is from the heterosexual male point of view. If you are female or someone in the LGBT community, please mentally switch the pronouns. I’m confident that you will learn from Fetish and You as much as your male counterpart will. I’m a staunch advocate for all people who have a sexual fetish. You are an extremely misunderstood group and it’s time for you to have a voice and be heard.

If you are a male, young or old, married or single, chances are good that your sexual preference has caused turmoil and struggle in your life. You struggle because you have shame. You struggle because you feel guilty when indulging your fetish. Your major relief is masturbating to fetish pornography, but then you feel bad about yourself for doing so. Most sex therapists will tell you that you can stop and that you have a sexual addiction. I am not one of those therapists. I don’t believe this is true. I believe that you have a fetish that can be managed, controlled and effectively incorporated into your life.

By the end of this book, you will understand what fetish is all about, plus you’ll come to a place of reckoning, identify the components of your unique fetish and ultimately make a thoughtful decision about how to blend fetish into your life in a way that makes sense for you. I’ve come up with an easy Five-Point Fetish Plan that will give you tools to manage your own particular fetish.

Did you know that most people who have a fetish have no idea what fetish is? That makes sense because most of you have had this “quirk” all of your lives. From the moment you had your first orgasm, you probably recall that you were triggered by some thing, some words, or some body part that you knew was a little offbeat.

You probably thought nothing of it at the time. However, once you passed puberty and became a full-fledged sexual being, you probably noticed that something was different about you. You probably tried to fight the feeling. Some of you were able to form conventional relationships with women but your fetish came to mind when you were alone. Others have a stronger demand. Those of you must have some kind of fetish “event” present in order to be sexually fulfilled. And as time progresses, this demand has now become problematic.

Congratulations. You finally found a name for what you have. You figured out that you have a sexual fetish. But what is that anyway? It’s necessary to know what sexual fetish means before you can accept it. In other words, you can’t accept what you don’t understand. I am committed to helping you understand your fetish.

Self-acceptance is key in order for you to healthfully incorporate fetish into your life. Right now, you probably have anxiety about your fetish. That’s because you feel different than your male peers. As a result, you feel shame. You feel like something’s wrong with you. Even worse, you blame yourself. As a result, you try not to “feed” your fetish. You stay away from magazines, DVDs and websites. Yet, eventually you can’t help yourself. You reluctantly give into your yearnings. You have sex or masturbate. The fetish image comes into your head at the moment of orgasm.

After you climax, you feel angry and ashamed of your “weakness.” You feel bad about yourself. So, you start to masturbate again in an attempt to feel better. You get downhearted and depressed. You feel hopeless. The shame cycle begins.

Gaining a sense of self-compassion is the only way to combat the darkness of shame, remorse and guilt. The more accepting you are, the less anxious you feel. As a result, you won’t feel so sexually hungry. You’ll have a sense of serenity knowing that your needs will be met. The inner turmoil subsides. You’ll be at peace with your fetish. Best of all, you’ll be able to proceed with your life! It’s my goal to get you to accept your fetish and yourself.

It’s not enough to name your fetish—you must know the details. Identification will show you how to create a comprehensive inventory of your fetish requirements. This process will enable you to have a definitive idea of what fetish fulfillment means to you. You must know yourself before you can hope to have anyone else know you. Identification provides the blueprint in order to effectively communicate to another person.

If you don’t fully understand your fetish, no one else will either. Even the most experienced professional fantasy fulfiller has to know more than generalities about your fetish. They’ll have know what words you like to hear, what costumes you’d like to see, and the sensations you’d like to feel—the tiny details that only you recognize because they are unique to you. No one is a mind reader and every fetishist is distinct. Identification gives you the opportunity to be the definitive expert on your fetish wishes as well as your desires. I’ll assist you in identifying the integral parts of your fetish.

Acceptance and identification are necessary steps before you even think about sharing your fetish with another person. Once you complete your Identification Process, you’ll be ready to make an important decision. Do you want to share your fetish with another person? If so, with whom? Your wife? Your lover? Another fetishist? A professional Dominatrix?

Before you jump in and eagerly blurt out your innermost secrets to someone else, take pause. Communication is a skill that must be learned and developed. Talking about your fetish just might be the single most challenging message you’ll ever convey. Take a moment to learn some basic communication techniques—and hone them.

In order to effectively communicate, you must be confident, knowledgeable and know what you’re going to say. This is why you have to work through your burdensome feelings of shame and guilt before you ever attempt to talk about fetish. It’s very difficult to speak about something when you’re still experiencing inner turmoil. Once you achieve inner peace, you’ll be able to think more clearly about your fetish. That’s why self-acceptance is so vital. In many ways, self-acceptance is the most important aspect of this entire program. Without it, you will always be struggling.

The ultimate purpose of communication is to help another human being understand you better. And, if you are communicating to a partner whom you’ll be interacting with, you’ll need to be able to talk about every last detail of your fetish. The more you communicate, the better your experience will be. I’ll usher you through this aspect.

You are the captain of your ship. Your life belongs to you. And likewise, you control your fetish; your fetish does not control you. With that being said, how can you find a place for fetish in your life? How do you address your fetish necessities in a healthy, balanced and holistic way?

When you come from a place of inner peace, you will be able to make a rational decision. You’ll have a good idea about what realistically will work for you. Fetish is no longer a secret you keep from your partner—unless you elect to have it be your solitary pleasure. Fetish is no longer shameful. It’s simply a part of your sexual makeup. It’s part of who you are. Notice that I said “part of,” not “all of” who you are. It’s just an aspect of you, like your profession or your political affiliation.

To recap, fetish is merely a quirk you were born with. It does not make you good or bad. It does not make you healthy or unhealthy. It’s but one small element that makes up the pieces that are “you.” It’s solely your choice whether or not to make it a part of your life in whatever manner you choose, and in whatever way works best for you.

The Five-Point Fetish Plan is time-tested and it works. I’ve used it repeatedly with the individuals who come to me for counseling. Fetishists who do the work diligently get excellent results. With dedication and effort, you’ll get good results, too. Just be patent and kind to yourself. Change doesn’t happen overnight.

Remember that you weren’t born feeling shameful and guilty. Your belief system took years to develop. It was shaped through the teachings of your parents, educators and society. Because these ideas are so ingrained in your being, give yourself time to redevelop your old ideas and thoughts.

This book isn’t meant to be read from start to finish in one sitting. Following the Five-Point Fetish Plan takes a great deal of consideration and introspection. You must give yourself the space to be thoughtful, the time to write, and think some more. You owe it to yourself to thoroughly learn how to accept a part of yourself that needs guidance and nurturing.

It’s time to be free. It’s time to start living. And that means living, embracing and enjoying your fetish.

Fetish is a word that is now finding its way into our everyday speech. We used to think of fetish as something mysterious, dark and a little foreboding. But these days the word is colloquial and everyday. People say they have a “fetish” for ice cream or a “cleaning fetish.” Adult bookstores even sell “fetish kits” which contain things like light restraints, whips and feathers.

While the world appears to be more open to “kink,” the general public’s mindset is as closed as ever. There’s still a grave misunderstanding about the kind of fetish that’s deeply ingrained…like your fetish, for instance. The kind of fetish that rules your masturbatory fantasies and drives you to orgasm. The fetish that’s been with you ever since you were born and mostly likely will be with you the rest of your life.

Sexual fetish is not a preference. It’s a need. A fetish is something very specific that turns you on so much that it’s almost painful. When you come in contact with or see a fetish image, you feel an overwhelming sense of lust. It feels both good and bad. Good in the fact that you are hyper-stimulated; bad because you can’t get your desires met in the moment. It’s like being locked in a strip club. You can look but you can’t release. A fetishist feels this frustration all the time. Depending on your fetish, you are often bombarded with reminders of your fetish everywhere you turn.

Early on, you didn’t understand your fetish completely. You only understood that certain body parts, articles of clothing or fabrics made you feel “funny” or even uncomfortable inside. It wasn’t until you hit puberty that you realized the mere thought of your fetish triggered an erection. As you became more sexual, you made the connection. Today, you realize that some kind of fetish image is necessary in order for you to orgasm. This realization is a blessing and a curse. You’re blessed because you have a fantasy that will reliably turn you on enough to orgasm. You’re cursed because you feel different than other men. Cursed because you question your sanity, and sometimes, even worse.

Always remember that you didn’t choose your fetish. It chose you. You might have a vague idea of where it came from. Or you have no idea of how you made the connection. All you know is that your fetish cravings carry great magnitude. They are ever-present. Some days the “itch” is stronger than others. You have no clue why your interest continues to grow, yet it does. Sometimes it seems like you can’t help but indulge, and you do. Sometimes grudgingly and guiltily, and other times with an insatiable hunger. The Internet makes life easy because satisfaction is just a click away. Your fetish is probably the first thing you ever Googled.

Fetish is strong, powerful and never goes away. Your fetish never disappears, no matter how much you wish it would. No matter how much you’d like to be the same as everyone else. The funny part is that your next-door neighbor, your boss or even your best friend might also have a fetish. How would you know? Fetish is everyone’s “dirty little secret.”

But hand in hand with the secrets, come shame and guilt. If the fetish is wrong, it means that you’re wrong, too. You hide the fetish the way you’d hide a crime you got away with—you spend part of each day wondering if you’re going to get “caught.” The shame drives you to be secretive. The secrets lead to paralyzing guilt. Human beings are not equipped to hide big truths from our significant others in their lives. In time, we’re left feeling profoundly lonely.

Ultimately, you believe that your fetish makes you inferior. Less than a man. Unlovable. You feel separate and distant from others. You think that no one understands. And in a way, you’re right. At this point, you barely understand fetish yourself. How then, can you possibly communicate the minutiae of your fetish to another human being?

No woman would want you if she knew. You are convinced that something is wrong with you. You think that women will reject you based on your fetish needs. Having these negative thoughts are common to almost every fetishist.

Before we delve in any further, please take the quiz below to test your fetish perception. Jot down your responses on a sheet of paper so you can check your score. How many of these thoughts have you had?

1. My fetish makes me a freak.

2. My fetish is sick and perverse.

3. I’ll keep my fetish a secret until the day I die.

4. I’m not a good person because I have a fetish.

5. I hate that I have a fetish.

6. No woman would want me if they knew what I really desire.

7. It’s completely wrong that I think of fetish in order to have an orgasm.

8. Fighting my fetish makes me feel that there’s hope for me. Maybe I’ll be forgiven on Judgment Day.

9. I’ll never accept this part of myself.

10. I’m nothing but an addict.

If you related to even one of these statements, you’re in the right place. If you related to three or more, you definitely will benefit from the help and guidance this book offers. In truth, most fetishists who haven’t received guidance and education probably relate to every single one of the above statements.

These types of thoughts are self-deprecating and unhelpful. They do not allow you to be who you are. They leave you feeling stuck and hopeless.

Let’s look at some of the thoughts of an evolved fetishist. How many of these do you believe right now? How many of them would you like to adapt as your own?

1. My fetish means that I have “out-of-the-box” proclivities.

2. My fetish is a little quirky, but it’s just one part of my sexuality.

3. My fetish is sexually based. The only person who ever has to know is my partner. Even, then, disclosure is solely my choice.

4. I’m a good person based upon my behaviors, interactions and values. Fetish has no bearing on my character.

5. I accept that I have a fetish.

6. I am respectful of the fact that my partner or future partner may not initially understand my fetish. I can make a mindful decision about whether or not I want to tell my partner about my fetish.

7. My thoughts can never hurt anyone. I’m lucky to have something to think about that reliably helps me to orgasm.

8. I don’t believe I’ll be judged based on my fetish. By accepting myself, I can use my energy to be the best person I can be.

9. The more I learn, the more I know that I’m okay.

10. I’m in control of my fetish. It doesn’t control me. I incorporate fetish into my life in a safe, sane, balanced way.

How many of the modified statements did you agree with? If you agreed even once, you have an open mind. It’s my hope that by the end of this book, you’ll not only agree with every statement but that you will be living every statement.

If you follow the guidelines in this book, in time you’ll be able to internalize these 10 empowering statements into your own personal beliefs system.

Discard your old ideas and adapt these new ones. Look carefully at the evolved fetishist’s modified beliefs. You’ll notice that they are more rationally based. They are nonjudgmental and factual. This is in contrast to your original ideas that are emotionally based, critical and self-deprecating.

Please feel free to add your own statements to either list. What are some of your present ideas? How would you like to think once you are finished with this program?

Having a fetish doesn’t mean condemning yourself to a life of shame with a side order of anxiety. Instead, it’s in your power to understand, accept and enjoy your fetish.

You can adapt a more evolved way of thinking. This new way of thinking will foster change in your beliefs about fetish. These new ideas will alter the way you interact with yourself and those around you. Your positive attitude will be evident. So will your self-confidence. Be assured that good things await.

Imagine that we were all destined to live a life that was preordained. Imagine that we were only allowed to enjoy one kind of food, one place for vacation and one form of recreation. That we were told how many children we could have, that we were given only one career option and our life partner was prearranged. Imagine a life of no choice or decision. Our very existence would be mundane, boring and joyless.

As humans we are blessed with intellect, reason and a certain amount of freedom. However, when it comes to human sexuality, freedom is not generally embraced by the social order. Our thinking about sexuality is extremely rigid and most people are educated to believe that heterosexual sex is the most acceptable form of interaction. While we tolerate some variables, the original ideas about sex remain the same. One man. One woman. Preferably married and engaging in intercourse with some foreplay approximately three times per week. That’s the norm. And that’s what we strive to achieve.

Yet, the reality about sex is that it’s as varied as the human race. Every person on this planet has something which is uniquely “theirs” when it comes to sex. One particular spot on your body that responds well to touch. One smell that is arousing. A sound or phrase that puts you over the edge. Everyone is distinctive when it comes to sexual preference and taste. That’s why we eventually find that one person who meets our sexual needs. It takes some looking but we usually find them.

But sometimes this person is harder to find because our sexual preferences are a bit unusual and we don’t understand exactly what we want or require.

Let’s begin by figuring out fetish. Education is your first step in understanding your own particular yen and getting your needs met.

How is sexual fetish defined?
In plain language, people who have a fetish, sexualize something as opposed to someone. That “something” may be an object, an act or a behavior. The fetish can involve the use of nonliving objects such as panties, a cigarette or an angora sweater. The fetish can also be a fixation on a certain part of the body such as feet, the buttocks or lips. Some like to enjoy the body part in a particular state, such as hairy armpits, long finger nails painted red or feet that are unwashed. Some fetishists enjoy hearing certain words, phrases or statements. Others like specific acts such as trampling, smothering or whipping. These acts can be stand-alone activities for some, or incorporated into a role-play situation.

The important aspect to note is that fetish is something that’s extremely specific and well-defined. A fetishist has very particular desires that are not generally associated with conventional sex yet provide arousal and release in a sexual manner.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: fetish is strong, powerful and never goes away. (Perhaps this should be your mantra.)

Fetish is a part of your sexual makeup and has been with you all your life. Many of you can probably trace it back as early as age five. Most of the time it lays dormant during the latency phase of our lives, but it re-emerges once we become sexual beings.

Fetish is the major thing that gets your juices going. If you were to pick one sex act and no others, most of you would choose your fetish over conventional sex. This doesn’t make you wrong or bad. It simply acknowledges who you are and how strongly fetish needs are ingrained. Many of you have tried to will away your fetish, concentrate on other sexual activities and pretend your fetish doesn’t exist. But it always returns with a vengeance, doesn’t it? This is no reflection on you and certainly doesn’t make you weak. It’s simply the nature of fetish. You can’t turn a gay man straight and you can’t make a fetish go away.

Where does fetish come from?
The etiology, or cause, of fetishism is not recognized conclusively. This is to say that many in the professional community believe a variety of theories about the origin of fetish. One current school of thought supports the belief that fetish has physiological causal—that it’s associated with abnormalities in the brain’s temporal lobe. In other words, you are born with the fetish gene. However, environmental factors must be present in order to activate the growth of fetish. These environmental factors are associated with imprinting, meaning that something impacted you very, very early in life which then was added to your arousal template.

For example, if you get aroused by smothering, perhaps you played wrestling games when you were younger and a playmate sat on your face. Or, if you are aroused by paddling, perhaps you were threatened with or heard about paddling in a school which permitted corporal punishment.

Fear, excitement, and curiosity are powerful emotions. When we experience them, the body remembers the charge they gave us physiologically, and for some of us, those moments become eroticized on a subconscious level. This even includes scary childhood moments like spanking. In response, we protected ourselves by sexualizing these powerful feelings. Generally, these feelings lay dormant until we become sexually active. Then, out of nowhere, we connect our original moment of excitement and experience with a powerful erotic charge. This feeling is so strong that our sexuality is linked to this early sexual/excitement/fear moment.

These potent emotions linked to the fetish are stored in the subconscious mind. They are connected to a part of our brain that produces sexual stimulation. When puberty strikes, these thoughts and feelings re-emerge. Before we realize what’s happening, we are associating our childhood fear/excitement to adult sexual feelings.

The environmental factors and early triggers aspect of fetish make a great deal of sense. But right now, you’re probably wondering, “Why me?” A lot of kids playfully wrestle with each other when they’re younger, but when they grow up, they don’t want their girlfriends to sit on their faces for the purpose of smothering. Many children are spanked or paddled but most of them don’t want to think about those awful memories, let alone re-experience them erotically as adults.

Table of Contents

Fetish and You

Dedication

Introduction

How to Use This Book

Chapter 1 - Our Puritanical Society

Chapter 2 - The Five-Point Fetish Plan

Chapter 3 - Fetish Quiz: What’s Your Fetish Sensibility?

Chapter 4 - Understanding Fetish and the Impact It Has on You